Let's Get Physical (2018) s01e05 Episode Script

1 NARRATOR: Previously, on Let's Get Physical.
- Who got murdered? - You did, bitch.
In front of your minions.
We will beat you in the aerobics finals.
Once we place in regionals, we will go on to the aerobics finals.
It's the one advantage we have against the Metrics, that we're a team, not a cult.
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the CAC team regionals.
Our top two teams will advance to the finals.
Next up, Team Metrics! (AUDIENCE CHEERING) (UPBEAT MUSIC) (AUDIENCE CHEERING) (UPBEAT MUSIC) (AUDIENCE CHEERING) - (POWERS DOWN) - (MUSIC STOPS) (AUDIENCE CLAPPING) I just wanna whip out my dad's secret move, you know, and make 'em suck it.
Janet said we need to pace ourselves and save it for finals.
Old Janet also said masturbating makes you blind and I can see fine.
How do I look? Uh? You look stupid.
Yeah, you look stupid, too.
(CHUCKLES) Remember, you're doing this for the cash.
And to spite your father.
- Can I get a hug? - Uh, no.
Thanks for the pep talk, mom.
Come on guys, let's line up.
I can see your giblets.
Sorry, new meds.
They make me say things I'm thinking out loud.
Are you sure you're good to go? Oh yeah, perfect.
I like giblets.
Okay guys, it's go time.
Wigs on.
(UPBEAT MUSIC) (AUDIENCE CHEERING) ('I WAS MADE FOR LOVIN' YOU' BY KISS) Oh yeah (AUDIENCE CHEERING WITH EXCITEMENT) We're gonna make it all come true It's obscene.
I can see his dick.
'Cause girl, you were made for me Girl, I was made for you I was made for lovin' you, baby You were made for lovin' me And I can't get enough of you, baby Can you get enough of me (POP SOUND) (AUDIENCE SHOUTING AND CLAPPING) Now, the moment of truth.
After careful consideration and, dare I say, heated deliberation, we have decided that, unfortunately, no team will be going on to the finals this year.
- (AUDIENCE MUTTERING IN DISAPPOINTMENT) - What? (MICROPHONE DISTORTION) - (CHUCKLING) Sorry.
- What?! - What?! This is your fault.
Don't copy me.
- This is you, man.
- Let's get physical, physical Shut up! Hey, oh Herbert?! Herbert, you come back here right now.
- This is your fault.
- Hey, what do you mean my fault? You hairlick bitch, she's probably mad because you were cheating! Don't you push me, Joe Force, I'm warning you.
- I'm warning you, Barry.
Don't push me! - Don't push me! I just said no pushing! - You wanna go? - You want this? I've been wanting this my whole life.
- I didn't wanna do this to you, man.
- Let's do it.
I didn't wanna do this to you.
I didn't wanna do this to you, come on.
Whatcha gonna do? What're you gonna do? Whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do? You come on, come on.
Whatcha gonna do? Okay.
- That means come.
- No hitting the face.
- No hitting the balls.
Okay, let's do it.
- No balls, no face.
(BOTH SHOUT IN RAGE) Stop him! Force and Metrix.
If it's any consolation, you two were the best teams, by far.
Well why, then? Payback's a bitch! (LAUGHS) (BEEPS HORN) Payback, well, what is he talking about? I have no idea.
I don't play games, I win them.
Wait! It says we have until midnight until the scores become official.
See, we have a chance.
Then let's get the piss-ant.
So, are we like calling a temporary truce to defeat our common enemy? Ask her.
She still hates me 'cause I broke her little boy's heart.
Oh no, he deserved that.
I hate you because you're a conniving little trollop who'll stop at nothing to get what she wants.
Oh so you hate her for being you.
Sorry, it's these new meds.
Come on, it'll be fun.
Let's go.
Gah! You're choking me.
That's what your wife said when she blew me in high school.
Shut up! Ow! Ow! Gah! You're choking me! (HORN HONKING) Don't make me throw water on you mangy mutts.
While you two have been busy 69ing, we've actually been working on a way to fix this.
- Okay, pause.
- Pause, just pause.
- We're coming right back to this position.
- I was winning.
Okay, if this plans involves getting a revenge on Herbert, then I'm in.
Well, we don't need muscle on this one.
So what, you girls are going on a road trip? Oh yeah, just three hot bitches on a road trip to hell, yeow! She's on a new medication.
Why don't you wait at the house? We'll call if we need you.
What? What the hell just happened there? Some reverse misogynistic bullshit.
Ever since Wonder Woman came out, I swear.
It's like everything men do is wrong or stupid or (SNORTS AND SPITS) gross.
If we were smart, what we would do is come up with our own plan to get into the competition.
- Wait.
You mean like work together? - Yeah.
- Yeah, I'm saying we work together.
- I mean the girls did it.
We can do it.
- If the girls can do it I can Oh, wait, - I'll do it.
I can do it too.
- I'm not sure if you can do it, but I know I can do it.
- No, I can work with you.
- I can work Let's work together then.
- I can do it.
Fine, we'll both do it.
- Oh, okay, oh.
- Okay.
- No, not that.
Okay.
- No more of that.
No more of that.
- So what's the move? - We go to my mom's house, and we get some food because I can't do this on an empty stomach.
Good idea, there's a place near you that just started delivering turmeric covered kimchi.
Or I could just take a dump in a bucket and eat that.
Or we'll eat what you want.
I don't care, I don't care.
Take a dump in a bucket! (UPBEAT MUSIC) That's it, that's Herbert's house.
Hey, Claud, since we're like besties for the day, can I ask you something personal? Why'd you choose Barry over Joe? - Mmm.
- Interesting question.
It wasn't because he beat Joe in the competition.
Barry's extremely successful and has a really good body which doesn't hurt.
It was Joe who pushed me away, sort of taking me for granted and treating me like I didn't matter.
(SCOFFS) Just like Barry then.
And why are you so curious? Thinking about banging Joe.
Dammit.
Meds.
(SIGHS) (QUIRKY MUSIC) Oh! It's cool.
It's gluten free.
Yeah, that's gonna help.
I got you this, "Hibicus" vodka.
- Hibiscus.
- Yeah, sure.
You remember, uh, Vicky? Vontinetta? - Sticky Vicky.
(CHUCKLES) - Sticky Vicky, yeah.
Tried to give me my first hand job back here.
- Tried? - Well, button-flies.
Who ever thought they were a good idea? They're basically a chastity belt for teenage boys.
Okay listen, if we're gonna do this, we have to come up with an awesome plan, something the girls would never think of.
Yeah, like something that's like we're not [BLEEP.]
-ups, we're smart too.
We need something to keep us in check, some sort of insurance.
Uh-huh, insurance.
Oh, I got it! Oh! We shoot humiliating videos of each other.
You have something on me, I have something on you, and if either of us does anything cute, then click, it goes viral.
- You're serious? - It's the perfect insurance.
You wanna use blackmail as a bond of everlasting trust? Absolutely! - Works for me.
- Yeah.
We're good at this.
- (UPBEAT MUSIC) - (JOE CHUCKLES) Oh, man, this is gonna be so good! Ooh! You ready? Begin.
I hate you! (MOANING AND CRUNCHING) Oh, yeah! Oh, good! Oh, yeah, eat it, piggy.
Yeah, eat your feelings, you fat bitch! - (MOANS) - Yeah! Om nom nom nom nom nom.
Yeah, you Oh, is it too much? Is it too delicious? - (GROWLS) - Yeah.
Oh, yeah! God, ooh! Oh, you're good at this.
D'you know many carbs are in these things? - Um - Now talk.
Hi, I'm Barry Cross from The Metrix.
People think I'm a fitness guru but I can live this charade no longer! Say "char-ard.
" Well, I-I think it's pronounced "char-aid.
" Yeah, but it's funnier if you say "char-ard.
" Makes you seem like a douche.
But I can live this "char-ard" no longer.
Keep eating, piggy! (LAUGHS) (GRUNTS) Oh, [BLEEP.]
.
(LAUGHS) (GULPING) Oh, that even made me throw up.
In my mouth a little, oh! Well, if you feel like you've been misled by me or any Metrix products, come on down for a full refund! Yeah, now-now finish it off.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, so much sugar.
- Gah! - (FOAMY SPRAY) - (LAUGHING) Ew.
- (RETCHING) Okay.
Oh, that was good.
That was a good job.
I could crush you with this.
I could destroy you with this.
Yeah, well, you better get ready, partner, 'cause I got somethin' just as nasty for you.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) There he is.
Get down! Get down! Get down! Get down! Did he see us? (UPBEAT MUSIC) (CLEARS THROAT) (KNOCKING) You ladies wanna come inside? How did you know it was us? (LAUGHS) I recognized the car! And your Fitness by Force license plate says JANET F.
And I saw your faces.
I got the camera rolling! We are ready! Let's do it! I am a musician.
A rock musician.
Can't you just kick me in the nuts or something? No! That wouldn't hurt enough.
Kick me, Barry! In my dick! Hey! I ate monosodium glutamates! You are doing this! Action.
I'm Joe Force, and I'm a - No, no, I can't.
- Say it.
I, ah (BLOWS A RASPBERRY) need to drink.
Don't drink it all, that's mine.
It's good stuff.
I am Gah! - Good, right? - No! No, it's terrible.
It tastes like liquid potpourri.
Okay Just say it.
I'm Joe Force.
(GAGS) (RETCHING) - Holy Oh, f - (RETCHING) (RETCHING SPLASHES) Shew! Oh, my god, are you okay? It's fine, it goes through the deck.
There's slats for that.
- Is that what the slats are for? - It's better.
I feel better.
Oh! - Okay, ready? - Okay.
I'm Joe Force, and I'm I'm a I'm a Belieber.
(POUNDING) (CHUCKLES AND SNORTS) Okay, do the thing.
Ready? Justin Bieber is my spirit animal, a modern day Elvis with the swagger of Jagger and the social relevance of John Lennon? Ah! Sing the song we wrote! We wrote a song for you, Justin, and it's called "Justin You, Justin Me, Justin Time.
" Justin you Justin me Justin time Just tonight I'm a Belieber Justin, please believe me Justin, I love you Cut! (LAUGHS) It's actually a good song.
(SIGHS) Something in me is gone.
- So you knew Richard Simmons? - Mm-hmm.
When he was hot.
- So, Herbert - Yes? if you could sit there and honestly tell us that Fitness by Force and The Metrix aren't good enough to go through to the finals, we'll just walk out of here and we'll never mention it again.
- Hmm.
- I thought so.
- (HERBERT CHUCKLES EVILLY) - (JANET CHUCKLES) Then why? My one passion in life was to become president of the competitive aerobics competition.
Sixteen years I ran for office, and sixteen years I lost by one vote.
One influential, deciding vote.
- Colonel.
(EXHALES) - Mm-hmm.
Even from the grave he finds ways to screw me over.
Justin me Justin time No, no, you gotta delete this.
- No, no! Hey, no, - No! No! - mine is way worse than yours.
- No, it's not.
My whole brand is at risk.
- Yeah, so is mine! - You don't have a brand.
You're an unemployed musician.
Yeah, but I will continue to be one - if that ever gets out! - Nope.
You gotta shoot another one.
Take your dick out.
I'm starting to think that making this videos with you was a bad idea.
Yeah, it is a bad idea.
This is so dumb.
- What are we doing? - Stupid.
How drunk are we? I'm sober as a bird.
(GASPS) I know what we should do! We should make another video! With both of us! That's a great idea.
Simultaneously committing the same horrific act so that we're equally incriminated equally.
Wait, are you saying we both look dumb? - (BOTH LAUGH) - (CLINK) - Ah! - Mm-hmm.
Joe, let's do it, man.
- Hold on.
What a good idea.
- Look at that, it's professional grade.
This is the best idea.
Now we're gonna definitely trust each other.
- Mm-hmm, yeah.
- This is why I'm glad we're not idiots.
We are so smart! We know what we're doing.
I wonder what the girls are doing right now.
They're probably like, "This was a bad idea, it's stupid!" "Like, where are the guys to help us make decisions?" (LAUGHS) - Ah, yeah, there we go.
- There we go.
Herbert, the military perceived aerobics to be too gay.
- Ugh.
- It was Tom's mission to prove that it was a manly endeavor.
Oh, Janet, he didn't ruin me because I'm gay.
After all, if a man can't be gay in aerobics, where can he be gay? No, he did it because I broke his all-time record at the Annual Lone Star Rifle Competition.
Ha! Bang, bang! (LAUGHS) Um, but, what about us? The Metrix? Oh, Barry's just a dick.
- Hey, Bear-Bear? - Uh-huh? Why do we hate each other? I know that you stole my crown, and my girl, and my dad's affection, but like, where did it start? I just don't remember.
You seriously don't remember? I really don't.
Was it about politics? No, man, no.
- In high school I idolized you.
- Really? You knew how to work out, and how to talk to girls, and smoke weed.
You know, if you boil life down to an essence, that's all there really is.
You were everything man and I was, like you are now.
I was fat and I didn't have any friends, nobody liked me.
- Well - I was puffy.
You became my friend, it was so nice.
And overnight I went from getting atomic wedgies to giving 'em.
That is the American dream.
Then you, you dumped me, man.
You dropped me like a bitch.
Ah, I'm sure you're exaggerating.
You're probably remembering it wrong.
You stood up on the roof of the school with a bullhorn and said, "Hey, Barry, I'm droppin' you like a bitch.
" And then later, on the intercom, you said, "Hey, everybody, Barry's a fat bitch.
Don't go to lunch with him.
" Then I then I sat alone for like three years.
Oh yeah, that was me.
You know, you should be thanking me, 'cause look at you now! - Hibiscus.
- I motivated your life, man! But you know what? Put it all behind us.
The past is in the past.
We're talking through it, look at this.
You know, talking things out makes us feel better, right? Alright, Herb, so what can we do to make this right? Yes, Herb.
What do you want? Well I want what I've always wanted.
To be president.
- But it's too late for that.
- Is it? Janet's the queen mother of the aerobics empire, and Claudia is the mastermind, you're welcome, of the most high-profile fitness brand in the state.
If we were to pool our resources, we could make sure that you're elected.
- Well - Providing, of course, our teams make it through.
(QUIRKY MUSIC) Bang, bang! Ha-ha.
Hmm.
- You know what, let's do this.
Let's do this! - Yeah, let's do it! - We're gonna do it, okay.
- Yeah, okay.
Let's do it.
Okay, you sure this is a good idea? What could possibly be more mutually humiliating? Oh, and this is not weird because you're a guy, it's weird because you're you, you know? - Alright.
- Okay, uh, - you don't have to take off your shirt.
- I gotta do this.
- Yeah, but don't - We're gonna do it, we gotta do it.
- No, but - Alright.
- Do it.
Hold on.
- Okay, do it, okay.
Alright, yep.
- Okay.
- Hibiscus.
- Okay.
Close your eyes.
- Okay.
- Okay do it.
- You do it.
- Do it.
Do it! - Do it! - Do it! - Do it! - Be a man and kiss me.
- You know what? I'm gonna be a man, open your eyes.
Open your eyes, let's be men.
- No, let's close our eyes.
- Alright.
- See you.
- No, I'm gonna be a man - Okay.
Okay, be a man and kiss me! - and I'm gonna kiss you.
Pull your hair in, and I've got mine in too.
- Okay.
One.
- Okay, ready? One.
- Two.
- Two.
Hang on.
- Yep.
- Gently.
Barry? W-T-F? (SCOFFS) I knew it.
Wait, what was that supposed to mean? Oh, no no no, it's cool.
We're just burying the hatchet.
Yeah, it looked like you were about to bury something else.
Kinda hot, actually.
This is all part of a master plan where we get Herbert to let us into the finals.
What does a make out video have to do with getting you back into the CAC? Tell 'em.
I don't know how we got here, but we're here.
Well, it doesn't matter, because you're in.
What, how'd you pull that off? It turns out that Herbert just wanted to run the CAC so, we convinced the current president to step down.
With help from Claudia for threatening to expose some of his shady financial dealings online.
Ah, and Janet put in a few calls to her old friends, and voila! (CHUCKLES) President Langworth.
Oh, wow.
It's, you know, it's not like - kidnapping plan.
- There's no kidnapping.
- Good for three girls.
- Good for you guys.
- Way to work together guys.
- (PHONE RINGING AND CHIMING) What is going on? Why am I blowing up? I-I keep getting more popular every day.
Barry, what is this video of you pigging out? but I can live this "char-rad" no longer.
Oh no.
My muscles are all implants - and I get liposuction in my ass and thighs.
- (JOE LAUGHING ON VIDEO) No no, I did that before we made up.
- We're cool now.
- You keep hurting me! - No! No, stop! - You keep hurting me! - Okay, you're overreacting! - No! I'm gonna give you an atomic wedgie! - Seriously, you two are babies.
Babies! - (SCREAMING) - Ow! Ow! - (WHIP CRACK) All Metrix trespassers have 20 seconds in which to leave my house.
This truce is over.
- You're going down, bitches! - Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Okay.
That kiss meant nothing to me, by the way.
(WHIP CRACK) Where'd you get a whip? A gift from the gardener.
Hmm.
NARRATOR: Next time, on Let's Get Physical.
Takin' my girls on a farewell tour! Now, we dance like Joe Force.
(MOANS) - What happened to your face? - Your mother.
Stuffed crust pizza for everyone! I live with my mom and my life is falling apart! Dance is a form of healing.
I can't, I mean, you guys aren't buying this, right?