Lip Sync Battle UK (2016) s01e05 Episode Script

1 Tonight on Lip Sync Battle it's superstar versus super brain.
You do the maths.
Actually, no, she can, - because it's Carol Vorderman! - (CHEERING) - Versus Martin Kemp! - (CHEERING) This is Lip Sync Battle UK! Friends say it's fine Friends say it's good Everybody says it's just like Robin Hood And it's plain to see you were meant for me Yeah, I'm your boy, your 20th century toy Ladies and gentlemen, please make some noise for Mel B! (CHEERING) Welcome to Lip Sync Battle UK.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Now, the game is simple.
Two stars lip sync two songs and the audience decides who did it best.
- Are you guys ready for this? - (CHEERING) And give it up for our resident rap battle champion, making him the perfect man to judge tonight's contest, - make some noise for Professor Green.
- (CHEERING) Something tells me that you've really, really been looking forward to tonight.
Why? What are you on about? I don't know what you're on about.
Come on, tell everyone.
What? Carol Vorderman's on Is the sole purpose of this show to get me in trouble with my wife when I get home? (LAUGHTER) OK, tonight's two stars are battling it out for the greatest prize a lip syncer can win.
The Lip Sync Battle championship belt.
(CHEERING) Right, let's welcome this evening's performers.
First up, not only was he in one of the biggest pop bands ever, he's also a hugely talented actor.
And if that isn't enough, he's also pretty damn hot.
- Give it up for Martin Kemp.
- (CHEERING) Now, let's meet his opponent.
She's a national treasure and by far the sexiest Oh.
Ohh! Let me start again.
Oh, I've gone all flusters.
OK, she's a national treasure and by far the sexiest mathematician on the planet.
- It's Carol Vorderman.
- (CHEERING) OK, you two, are you both ready for this? Absolutely, yeah, can't wait.
I've been gearing up all day.
Excited.
Carol, you're going down.
(LAUGHTER AND CHEERING) Don't take it like that, I never meant it like that.
Carol, is it true that NASA helped you choose your song choices? - Well, sort of, yes.
- Tell us a little bit about that.
I was at a party with some astronauts.
And you were high.
- Like you do.
- As you do.
And then we were practising different songs and this, that and the other and so, yeah, this one was chosen.
Does that mean your performance is gonna be out of this world? (CHEERING) Carol, are you a big fan of Spandau Ballet? - Well, obviously.
- And are you a big fan of Carol's? Of course, yeah.
I don't quite understand how you do it, maths has never been my strong thing.
But, yeah, of course I'm a fan.
Professor Green, what are you expecting from these two lovelies tonight? From how they came out, some pretty stiff competition.
- Who's stiff? - (LAUGHTER) Anyway, moving right along.
We have to decide who is going first.
And, to be honest, I don't think Professor Green can wait any longer.
So, Carol, you're up first.
Martin, go and take a seat in our VIP lounge.
So, Carol, what is your song? It's Megan Trainer, All About The Base.
- (CHEERING) - And NASA picked this.
OK, kicking the evening off, give it up for Carol Vorderman.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Because you know I'm all about that bass 'Bout that bass, no treble I'm all about that bass, 'bout that bass, no treble I'm all about that bass, 'bout that bass Bass, bass, bass Yeah, it's pretty clear, I ain't no size two But I can shake it, shake it like I'm supposed to do Cos I got that boom boom that all the boys chase And all the right junk in all the right places I see the magazine workin' that Photoshop We know that ain't real, come on now, make it stop If you got beauty, beauty, just raise 'em up Cos every inch of you is perfect, from the bottom to the top Yeah, my mama, she told me, "Don't worry about your size.
" Shoo wop wop, sha ooh wop wop She says, "Boys like a little more booty to hold at night.
" That booty, that booty, booty You know I want be no stick figure, silicone Barbie doll Sha ooh wop wop So if that's what you're in to, then go 'head and move along Because you know I'm all about that bass 'Bout that bass, no treble I'm all about that bass, 'bout that bass, no treble I'm all about that bass, 'bout that bass (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) My gosh.
You were shaking it in all the right places.
I have to be honest, I almost wanted you to twerk a little bit.
- You not a twerker? - I don't know how to do it.
You have the butt that is made for twerking.
- I don't know how to do it.
- I'll show you later backstage.
Martin, what are your thoughts on what Carol just did? - From this angle - (LAUGHTER) it was quite interesting.
Professor Green, come on.
- There was a lot of bass.
- (LAUGHTER) Didn't you used to play the bass, Martin? I did.
It was going through my mind at the time.
That's what I was thinking, "All about the bass.
Oh, yeah, Martin " That's what was going through my mind.
Of course it was.
We all know what you were thinking.
Carol, you go over to the VIP lounge.
Martin, come over here.
So, Carol did really good.
- Are you worried? - No, of course, let's get it on.
- Let's get it on.
- Let's do it.
All right, then.
What's your song? - One Direction - CROWD: Woo! - Best Song Ever.
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Fighting back, it's Martin Kemp.
Through the doors and passed the guards Just like she already owned it I said, "Can you give it back to me?" She said, "Never in your wildest dreams" And we danced all night to the best song ever We knew every line, now I can't remember How it goes, but I know that I won't forget her Cos we danced all night to the best song ever I think it went "Oh, oh, oh" It think it went, "Yeah, yeah, yeah" I think it goes Said her name was Georgia Rose And her daddy was a dentist Said I had a dirty mouth But she kissed me like she meant it I said, "Can I take you home with me?" She said, "Never in your wildest dreams.
" And we danced all night to the best song ever We knew every line, now I can't remember How it goes, but I know that I won't forget her Cos we danced all night to the best song ever I think it went, "Oh, oh, oh" I think it went, "Yeah, yeah, yeah.
" I think it goes (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) See, there's still a little bit of boy band in there, isn't there? Come over here.
I think the ladies particularly enjoyed that, - did you not? - (SCREAMING) Do you think you gave them what they wanted? I think I gave them everything I had.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) - Carol, what did you think? - I thought it was really good, actually.
You were swinging that camera man around the studio.
Professor Green, I saw you bopping along to a One Direction song.
I was having a giggle.
My job here is to get the crowd going.
So I started clapping, then I'm like, "Hold on a minute, I'm clapping to a One Direction song.
" - (LAUGHTER) - Who's in the lead so far? - AUDIENCE MEMBER: Carol! - All right! (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) That was your inner conscience.
How can I disagree with that? I think Carol's edging it for me.
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) - Thank you, Professor Green.
It's all still to play for in round two, as our stars will be upping their games to get their hands on that belt in tonight's Lip Sync Battle UK! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Welcome back to Lip Sync Battle UK! So far, we've seen that Carol Vorderman is all about that bass.
And Martin Kemp performed the Best Song Ever.
Which is just the title of the song.
(LAUGHTER) - How are you doing over there, you two? - Good.
- We're a bit sweaty, aren't we.
Glowing quite a lot.
- It's hot.
- You two enjoy your drinks over there, all right.
- Cheers.
Yep.
It's time for round two, where our stars turn up the heat in a bid to claim tonight's title and become our Lip Sync Battle champion.
- (CHEERING) - Exactly! First up is Martin.
And here's how he prepared for tonight.
Winning is always important.
Especially against Carol.
Carol will not want to lose.
I wanted to get a little bit ahead of the game today so I found one of these.
The original Lip Sync Bible.
"Channel thy chosen artist.
" I have become so street, it is more street than my boy.
Boom! This next song is probably my favourite song in the whole world.
And by my favourite artist as well.
(DEEP BREATH) Now, you can do this, Kempy.
"Dance like everyone's watching.
" If it all comes together, it's gonna look great.
Boom! "Taunt your opponent.
" (IMITATES COUNTDOWN CLOCK) Boom! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) COOLIO - GANGSTA'S PARADISE As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I take a look at my life and realise there's nothin' left Cos I've been blastin' and laughin' so long That even my mama thinks that my mind is gone But I ain't never crossed a man that didn't deserve it Me be treated like a punk, you know that's unheard of You better watch how you're talkin' and where you're walkin' Or you and your homies might be lined in chalk I really hate to trip but I got a loc As they croak, I see myself in the pistol smoke, fool I'm that kinda G the little homies wanna be like On my knees in the night saying prayers in the streetlight Been spending most their lives livin' in the gangsta's paradise Keep spending most our lives livin' in the gangsta's paradise Look at the situation they got me facin' I can't live a normal life, I was raised by the streets So I gotta be down with the hood team Too much television watchin' got me chasin' dreams I'm a educated fool with money on my mind Got my ten in my hand and a gleam in my eye I'm a loc'd out gangsta set trippin' banger And my homies is down so don't arouse my anger, fool Death ain't nothin' but a heartbeat away I'm livin' life, do or die, what can I say? I'm 23 now, but will I live to see 24? The way things is going I don't know Tell me why are we so blind to see That the ones we hurt are you and me Been spending most their lives livin' in the gangsta's paradise (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Come on up here, Martin.
Martin Kemp went all gangster on us.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Now, did you feel like you just, like, starfished and blew your own back out crowdsurfing there? Yeah, I love doing it.
I absolutely love doing it.
And you guys are absolutely the best.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Carol, what did you think of that? I thought that was just brilliant.
It was fantastic.
I really did.
But, but, Mel, I'm not happy about that bit up there, that 'maths sucks' bit, I'm not happy about that.
- What was that about? - (CROWD BOOING) - Carol, Carol - (LAUGHTER) - Oh, Pro.
- Don't break his heart.
Carol, this is what you've got to beat.
- Oh, heck! - (CHEERING) Before we see what Carol has got planned, let's check out how she got ready for tonight's Lip Sync Battle.
For lip syncing, what you first need is F squared, the perfect, confident face.
Over S for smile.
Then you have to multiply that in bracket for lips.
Mwah, mwah.
And then good teethage squared.
And then you've gotta use your eyes.
What you get is winner! Me.
I'm in awe of my opponent today, I mean, he chased drug barons, conquered gangs.
And head of the Mitchell family.
Oh, what a man.
It's Martin Kemp, not Ross Kemp.
If I was against Martin's brother, I'd be really frightened.
But Martin, all he does is he sort of bass guitar syncs.
That's it.
He's got to do the mouth thing now.
Martin, you got killed off in Eastenders.
And I'm gonna kill you tonight.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) SPANDAU BALLET - GOLD Thank you for coming home I'm sorry that the chairs are all worn I left them here, I could have sworn These are my salad days Slowly being eaten away Just another play for today Oh, but I'm proud of you, but I'm proud of you Nothing left to make me feel small Luck has left me standing so tall Gold Always believe in your soul You've got the power to know You're indestructible Always believe in Because you are gold Glad that you're bound to return There's something I could have learned You're indestructible Always believing After the rush has gone I hope you find a little more time Remember, we were partners in crime It's only two years ago The man with the suit and the face You knew that he was there on the case Now he's in love with you, he's in love with you My love is like a high prison wall But you could leave me standing so tall Gold Always believe in your soul You've got the power to know You're indestructible Always believe in Because you are gold (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Gold.
Wowza! That was amazing.
And you look incredible.
But I have to ask, was that a little bit strange performing Martin's song in front of Martin? Probably stranger for Martin than it was for me.
- I loved it.
- (CHEERING) I tell you what, you're better than Tony Hadley.
- (LAUGHTER) - Pro, tell us, what did you think of Carol? I thought Carol was amazing.
Between chest and bongos there's a joke I'm not gonna make.
- (LAUGHTER) - I thought it was amazing.
Was this like a dream that you've maybe dreamt of? Carol and gold, late night, alone, just with your blanket in a dark room.
- Maybe? - (LAUGHTER) I've never had one of them dreams, Mel.
You will tonight, you will tonight.
OK, Martin, come and join us over here and let's get Professor Green's final thoughts.
Listen, I can't decide the winner.
But if I could, it'd have to be you, Carol.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I knew he was gonna say that.
Well, it is judgement time.
Professor Green, the belt, please.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Now, audience, the decision is in your hands, OK? So, is the winner Carol Vorderman? (CHEERING) Or is the winner Martin Kemp? (QUIETER CHEER) The winner and Lip Sync Battle champion is - Carol Vorderman! - (CHEERING) Now, did you have fun tonight? Cos it was great having you on the show.
I loved it, it's been such a great experience.
A lot of fun.
Well done, thank you for joining us.
- And, Carol - (CHEERING) - Are you happy, Carol? - Oh, I'm very happy.
- Can you see anything? - I can't see a bloomin' thing.
(LAUGHTER) Give both our stars a huge round of applause right now.
They were amazing.
Make sure you join us for our next Lip Sync Battle.
From me, Professor Green, Martin and Carol, goodnight! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)