Little Mosque on the Prairie (2007) s01e05 Episode Script

Brother Amaar, that was a wonderful sermon, just how wonderful.
Yasir, I'm so glad you liked it, what was your favourite part? The end bit, the ending bit.
Sarah, Rayyan, did you enjoyed the sermon? Could you hear it over Yasir's snorring? Sleeping allows your words to penetrate my subconcious.
Oh, then you must have that opera I took you to last week completely memorized.
My darling, she's my favourite spin doctor.
Yasir, try to be truthfully, you're in a mosque.
That he rented in a church to get free office space mind you.
Nonsense, muslim first, businessman, second Excuse me Oops, gotta run, hop tops don't install themselves, you know.
Sarah, who is that? Oh right, cuz white people all know each other.
I thought that maybe you see him at the bowling alley, bingo, or some other western den of vice.
Baber Hello, I'm Amaar, the imam of this mosque.
An imam is like a priest.
I know, I heard your sermon.
I am Marlon.
Wow, arabic, that's impressive.
Well I'm very serious about converting to Islam.
Isn't that wonderful, a convert, I'm Baber.
Hello, I'm right here, I'm a convert too.
Yes, but he's serious.
- Hi, I'm Sarah.
- Hi.
That's wonderful Marlon.
What a blessing, our first real convert! S01E05 : The convert vost english Transcript : [dx.]
Synch : [dx.]
- Pasbel Ortho : Till Vidsrc : HDTV.
XviD-MiNT Thanks to the directors for putting away Fred Topper for one episode, I hope that he used this free time to take pronunciation lessons Can you believe Baber's suggesting I don't take Islam seriously? Come on, it's not like you pray five times a day.
It's not that I don't want to It's just that you don't want to.
- No, I am very busy.
- Busy not praying? I can so be a good muslim that I will even bet you.
Muslims don't gamble, mom.
Pinky shifting.
Ok, five prayers a day for a whole week.
A week, honey, I will go you a month.
Let me get the wish.
Mom's gonna pray five times a day for a month.
I thought she said that you would be praying five times a day for a month.
Allright, bring me my prayer mat.
Prayer mat, do we even have a Yes my precious, your prayer mat! I'll be right back.
Ok, this will help you keep on schedule, it goes off by a five times a day in arabic.
Well, that's not something you want to take to airport security.
How does it work? Press that.
Where will you pray, darling? On that thing? Assume the position, of faith.
Are you facing south-east? Hum, let's see our bedroom faces south so no I have to move it this way.
Get your face south-east.
Are we related? I want a DNA test.
No, it's south-south-east.
I'll pick you up a copy of "Islam for dummies" on my way home.
Ignore this Ok, off you go darling, this is right.
No, I can do it.
More please, I love turkey bacon.
Shh, the regulars think it's pork.
May I please have another serving of the cloven hooked swine? Salam aleikum my friends.
Waleikum salam.
Are these your beautiful children? No, we're not together, the boy is Fatima's, female is mine.
The female? So, you two are divorced? No, my husband passed away, Baber's wife passed on Baber.
I notice your daughter doesn't wear the scarf.
The wind was very strong today and it must have blown off.
For the nine-zillion time, I'm not wearing it! Teenagers, it's her hormones.
Dad, gross! Why don't you lay down the law? Why don't you mind your own business? I was talking to brother Baber, sister.
I am not your sister.
Perhaps we can continue this talk man to man at my house? We could cause each other on coranic verses, huh ? That would be great.
There's a few choiced verses I could stomp you off.
Don't be so sure, buddy.
Salam aleikum Marlon, I'd like you to come to the mosque later for your conversion.
Excellent.
Allah is great! How enjoyous! At this rate, we'll convert everyone in this town to Islam! - Indoor voice, Baber - Sorry.
Jesus, Mary and Joseph! I'm sorry, I was just praying.
Wow, you and Yasir must have been extra naughty this weekend.
No, it's not that although there was this one thing when he was a TV repairman and I was dressed as I'm sorry, what were we talking about? Praying Well you see I'm just trying to take Islam a little bit more seriously.
Great, take it up by your desk, seriously.
It's so open out there, I can't pray in front of everybody.
Fine, I will respect your constitutional right to religious expression.
Just don't let it happen again.
Allah is great.
Could you How can I put this nicely? Your muslim moon is on the rise.
No, I will just move my desk, shall I? No, listen, I will just move it.
A little bit more to the west.
I bear witness that there is no God but God and Mohammed is his messenger.
And that completes the shahada.
[ndt : conversion.]
- Allah is great.
- Allah is great.
- Allah is great.
- Allah is great.
Easy, easy puppy.
Well, I have an economy class to teach so Right now? I was hoping we could chat.
Who else is going to teach my students how the west exploits muslims, huh? The satanic western dogs need to be told a lesson that they'll never forget! You let me know what this lesson is and I'll put it on my next exam, salam aleikum.
Waleikum salam.
I've got to get me one of those.
Hey, you're still here.
Too bad you didn't invite anyone to the ceremony.
My parents disowned me.
Well, my parents aren't thrilled with me either.
Thank God for my friends.
I don't have any friends.
Well at least you have Allah.
You give credit to the faith, Marlon.
Well, between you and me, Sarah and Yasir don't take Islam very seriously.
And Baber can't get his daughter to wear the scarf.
Marlon, gossip is a sin in Islam.
Yes, there are many gossips in this congregation.
Perhaps we could talk more about them if we spend the day together.
Oh well, actually, I was gonna catch a show.
You're going to see a movie? Yeah, unless the phantoms comes to the town.
Isn't that a sin? Well, there's only one good tomb but that's hardly a sin.
I meant all the western decadence.
I know what you meant, gotta fly, let's go.
See you later, Marlon.
Who's this kid? A new convert, a bit over the top.
I need advice on damping religious enthousiasm.
Join the clergy.
Just kiddin', let's go, I don't wanna miss one minute of Halle Berry.
Is it morning? No, no.
- Oh, it's hugging time? - No.
I have to pray, go back to sleep.
Allah is great You're sure all your meat is hallal? There's no hallal shop in Mercy, it's from the Kosher butcher.
You should stop patronizing jewish businesses.
And you should stop patronizing me.
Salam aleikum, Marlon.
Waleikum salam, Rayyan.
Finally, a real muslim.
Yeah, walks, talks and prays scarf sold separately.
You'd make an obedient wife.
Perhaps we could meet for coffee.
I don't meet men for coffee.
Forgive me, I meant with a chaperon.
My chaperon has to wash her hair.
About your meat.
Perhaps you'd like to try the authentic muslim restaurant on Jubilee Road.
I think I will sister, bye.
There's no muslim restaurant on Jubilee Road.
Jubilee Road in Nigeria! Amaar, do you have a minute I need your help.
I'm not going down on another nail for you, my thumb is still throbbing.
It's Sarah, there must be some rules in the Coran against praying too much.
Let me get this straight, you're asking a spiritual leader to help someone stop praying.
She's obsessed, it's like when Rayyan was born, she's up in the middle of the night, she's too tired - For her domestic duties? - No, for sex! Look, I know, but it won't do you any harm to be a little more devout.
Never mind, I'm starting to sound like Marlon.
I thought our new convert was God's gift to Islam.
That's a lovely way of looking at it but, seriously, what are we going to do about it.
It's Sarah, the one to worry about, the kid's harmless.
You have an office in our mosque? Yes, and businesses heavenly.
This is no joke.
I'm taking it to the regional islamic council.
They won't allow this desecration to continue.
Allah is great! - You were saying? - We gotta get rid of this guy! I can't remember if I've prayed three or four times today.
- See, Tuesdays are hop days.
- It's Wednesday.
Are my five prayers shocked? Sarah, be a man! Give up! Well, maybe I'll have a little nap on the map.
Just for a second.
Sarah, is there a chance you might do something for me? Sure, what? Your job! Hurry up, he'll be here any moment.
I'll get it.
That is a very good look for you.
Come, come - Still no scarf? - Still no life? You're going to let her talk to me like that? Layla, go to your room.
Good, I'll be in my room, bare-headed.
Have you tried beating her, it worked for the taliban.
I suggest you find a role-model a little bit closer to home.
Please, have a sit, may I offer you some coffee? I have to wake up at 5 and memorize the Coran.
Maybe, some dark water.
Praise Allah.
You permit decadent music? Layla, turn off that hipety hop.
It's called hip hop and you bought it for me.
Sometimes these prayers cds get mislabeled.
- Turn it off.
- I hate you.
Perhaps Allah is punishing you with this devil child.
Perhaps Allah is punishing me with your company.
If he joins Islam to make friends, he's failed miserably.
Baber loves him.
I hate that white fool.
- You were saying? - He might not mean Marlon.
Baber, do you mean your friend Marlon? Of course I mean bloody Marlon! We're going to have to excommunicate this guy.
I'm not the Pope, though I'd love a big hat like that.
We're stuck with him? Look, I'll try to talk to him.
You can't talk to fanatics.
Sometimes it takes a few years for converts to settle down, we'll just have to be patient.
I have been totally, 100%, patient.
D'you know anyone more patient than me, huh? If you come up with a good plan, let me know.
Otherwise, just go.
Fine, I will think of something.
Your move.
Yasir, I have got it.
What if we move the mosque and simply don't tell him? Put it on casters and roll it around town? I just can't believe that Marlon accuses me of all people decadent behaviour.
Baber, that's brilliant.
I wouldn't put it that but, no, maybe I would.
I'm not saying you're brilliant but you've just given me a great idea.
I'm the brilliant one.
I definitely wouldn't put it that way.
Make ourselves look decadent, show him we're the worst muslims in the world, scare him off.
Away from Islam? What if he falls into christian hands? I mean, I would rather die.
Settle down Saladin, the crusades are over.
You tell that to the Americans.
Baber, focus, call everyone, tell them to meet at Fatima's at eight.
Do we tell Amaar? Amaar said to tell him if we came up with a good plan.
And this, is a very bad plan, okey-dokey yeah.
Sarah Sarah I kept the premiere waiting for two hours I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'll go pray at home.
But you're exhausted at work! I'm a christian, but I don't let it affect me.
Are you ordering me to stop? Are you asking me to order you to stop? Yes, no, yes.
I think quitting has to come from the heart.
The weird thing is that I'm actually starting to enjoy praying.
That's a sleep depravation talking, come on, sound like you've bet money.
Well it's not if like I'm actually quitting, it's just i'm it's like I'm recharging my batteries.
Keep the lie going and going and - Well - Tomorrow night, bingo at the church, bring your dabber.
I better rest up, I feel lucky.
- Good girl.
- I'm a bad muslim.
- Yes you are.
- Yeah I know.
This is so mean, are you sure we should do this to poor Marlon? Oh, you mean your future husband? Right, I'm in.
Fatima, everything's set? Baber, ready to rock'n'roll? I totally dig music.
Okay, anything missing? I'm sorry I'm late, I was catching up on my sleep, I mean my work.
Mom you look perfect, where did you get the slutty outfit? Oh it's just my work very funny.
Listen everyone, he's coming! Nice wig.
What the heck is going here? Welcome Ready to put the slam, in Islam.
Yasir, you're wearing silk, that's forbidden for men.
You should see my thong.
Pork, you can't eat pork.
What kind of wine should we serve? Red or white? - Alcohol? - Oh, look, it's mister B.
I pity the fool! Gold on a man, no.
Shameful! I know, they should be brown eggs.
Music? What is going on here? Allah will punish you all! I can't take it.
Allah is great! Did you see his face my goodness, I almost had a heart attack, with the fake pork and the fake fake drink and the fake joviality.
You know, I was joking about the thong.
This was a bad plan.
We're horrible muslims, who's idea was this? It may have been brother Amaar's.
I know what we have to do, we have to pray, I think that's eastern, north-eastern.
I pray in that café everyday, it's that way.
Ladies, Mecca is that way.
It appears you're a victim of a practical joke.
One that you were in on? The last practical joke I was in on was when my dad asked me to pull his finger.
Some joke, why would they do this to me? Well, perhaps they thought you were being too judgemental.
I am not judgmental, and Allah will punish them all to behave like heathens.
Marlon, it's great that you found a new religion, but you gotta ease into it, you need to learn a little humility.
I hear you loud and clear, Amaar.
You know what you need to do.
I know exactly what I need to do.
Shake off your balls, common' B17.
Where is he with these doppers, I'm feeling lucky tonight.
It's hard to get lucky when you have a dried dabber.
Sarah, I think you should go home.
Amaar, shouldn't you be praying or Shouldn't you be not gambling? Amaar, talk to a man.
Imam trumps mayor, go.
Here, take my cards, good night.
You too! Brother Amaar, I am one double way from a double line bingo.
Now! You're right, he's right! Mayor, play my cards.
Good luck.
Looks like some of your lambs have bares in their wool.
Religion would be so much easier without followers.
Is that Marlon? Yeah, he came to me after he had your little lecture, apparently he decided that Islam isn't his cup of tchae after all.
I feel terrible, we let him down.
I've seen it before, spiritual shopping.
I'll blame the Beatles.
I'm sorry he came your way, Marlon can be a handful.
[handful = hard to manage.]
Frankly, I could use a little enthusiasm, but I'm sharp.
Besides, if it becomes too much I'll send him off the Jehovas.
Let the game continue.
Under the eye, Isea, 27.
Like the slaughter of God's slain, have they been slained.
Bingo ! Bingo ! Baby Jesus, hallelujah! Transcript : [dx.]
Synch : [dx.]
- Pasbel Ortho : Till