Lodge 49 (2018) s01e05 Episode Script
Paradise
1 I love the smell of chlorine.
It reminds me of home.
Three days by the pool, and my brain is already melted.
Well it's beautiful.
The Tongva Indians they lived like this for 3,000 years.
Yeah.
3,000 years.
No war, no hassle.
Total freakin' paradise.
Ever heard of Paul Gauguin? No.
He was a stockbroker in Paris, but then he quit to become an artist.
He sailed for Tahiti and never came back.
I like this guy.
He left behind his wife and kids, and when he got to Tahiti, he gave half the island syphilis.
Why are you telling me this? Because there's no such thing as paradise.
Yeah, there is.
What is it? Oh.
I had a dream.
Can't really describe it, but my dad used to blow smoke rings.
And when when Liz and I were little, he'd sit on the end of the couch and he'd take a a big drag of his cigarette, and he'd puff a few out at a time.
And me and Liz would try to fight to catch them.
I don't remember any of my dreams.
All hail.
The Joan of Arc of Booze.
Ugh was I that bad? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
The details of that night are a little fuzzy to me.
How did we end up in that corporate guy's apartment? Eh, who cares? No point digging up the past.
I captured some nice moments for us on Instagram.
So we could remember them always.
Please, no I hear you, Liz.
The Internet's an abattoir.
We're the butcher and the pig.
I added some fun filters.
It looks like you and Corporate are really hitting it off.
That is horrifying.
Make it stop! Whoa.
Okay.
Hey, Veronica.
I hope you have a lovely day! Don't bother.
She's not there.
Hey.
I Uhhh H-Hey, Gloria.
I think your mom's got a leaky diaper.
God - Ugh.
Just go.
- I can Please.
Okay? Okay.
Um, I'll see you later.
Larry? What are you doing? Sometimes the pump dragon makes noise.
Pump dragon? Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
What? I need to change the combo on that lock.
Keep the riff raff out.
I said no calls.
I know we're "on a break" or whatever.
But it's Larry.
Something's off about him.
He's together one sec, and the next he's talking nonsense.
I told you, I-I I need boundaries.
I can't be your person right now.
I'm I'm too busy.
Doing what? Pissing away my afternoons.
It's my writing process I gotta go.
S-Sorry.
Gil! You're trespassing.
I know.
Sorry Ah, don't be.
I'm just following the script my employer handed me I don't believe in it.
And you're not trespassing.
Aerospace was built on government investment, using our tax dollars right? which created jobs, which created more tax revenue, which created more missiles, which created more suburbs.
It was a giant golden circle jerk and it belongs to all of us.
Did you see a guy on a bike come through? Nah, but I'm at the end of my shift.
I'm not firing on all cylinders.
Well I hope a few days off was restful.
I-I wanted to talk to you about something Jeremy, I'm I'm sorry.
I know Corporate's visit was important to you.
The problem is I am cursed with a high tolerance for alcohol, so I can go and go, but then at some point, I, like, go over the falls.
And then, before I know it, I'm a "different person," only I can't remember anything because I've blacked out, and for the next few days, I stew in a nice hot bath of shame.
Well, actually, Corporate was quite charmed with his visit.
In fact, he's upping our ad budget.
Oh.
You two really hit it off No.
No, we didn't.
Screw that guy.
Some little mannequin in a suit I've never heard you laugh like that before.
Ever.
Gerson has it on tape, I think, if you want What did you want to talk to me about? The other night, while you were going over the falls, I realized that I have developed feelings for you.
- Jeremy you're married.
- I know! Also and this is kind of important I have absolutely zero feelings for you.
Zero.
None I know! It's It's It's It's ridiculous! But I can't help it, Liz.
I mean, y-y-you're you're so smart and you're so competent.
I ha I have dreams about you.
Dreams don't mean anything.
Listen, I-I-I've been talking about this with Sarah in couples therapy.
And it's been a little hard at first, but we finally got it out.
And I-I actually think it's bringing us closer together.
Happy to help.
Yeah.
Look, I-I realize I've uploaded a lot of challenging info here.
I just I just hope you don't, uh hold it against me.
No.
I just want to, you know, get it out in the open.
That way, it doesn't, like, morph into this, you know, weird thing.
Yeah.
- What's up? - Hey.
Yeah, nothing.
I'm just hanging at the Lodge.
I'm excited about Blaise's lecture.
Hey, I'm kinda working right now.
Yeah.
Me too.
I'm on call at Temp Joy, you know? Did you need something? No, just wanted to see, you know, what you were doing.
Thought I'd give you a call.
See what's up.
Well, like I said.
I'm working.
Yeah.
So how's, uh, things going with the Connie situation? You guys still on a break or Yeah, but I I-I really don't have time Don't worry about it.
I got your back.
We're in cahoots We are not in cahoots.
- Okay? - We're in cahoots.
It's okay.
No, we're not in cahoots.
Uh hey? Hello? Every whack job in the city is gonna show up for Blaise's magic show.
Uhh Hey, Larry.
How did When'd you come in? Hey, I feel bad about punching you in the face.
Let me make it up to you.
You got time this week? Uh, yeah.
Well, good.
Good.
I'll come find you.
Okay.
So, I was thinking gold is valuable because it's rare,.
right? But if we could make gold, then it wouldn't be rare anymore.
So by making gold, we're sort of destroying gold Yeah.
Uh, you're talking about market value.
Merrill didn't care about that.
He called gold "the residue of eternity.
" Oh.
What does that mean? Uh, gold is the material by-product of the Magnum Opus the reconciliation of body, spirit, and time Hey, uh Hey, Blaise, are you okay? I don't understand any of it.
Alchemy's all shadows and riddles like Smith's diary.
I'll never figure it out, 'cause I can't get my mind around anything! No! What are you talking about? You're one of the smartest sounding guys I ever met! I'm a fraud.
I barely cracked 900 on my SATs.
900? Well, that's not so bad! Okay? I don't even remember what I got my sister, she got way into the thousands Tomorrow night, I'm supposed to get up on stage and give a lecture explaining the genius of Harwood Fritz Merrill.
I can't! It's gonna be a nightmare.
I posted about the lecture in all my esoterica chat rooms.
A bunch of people said they're coming.
And some of those guys are real weirdos.
Lonely men with an ax to grind.
If I get one thing wrong, they are gonna destroy me in the Q&A Hey, hey, hey! Whoa, hey! Easy.
Easy, easy, easy, easy.
Okay.
Hey.
Okay, do I need to call a doctor? Because I think your appendix might be exploding.
I am a doctor.
Okay.
It's not my appendix A few years ago in India, I picked up a mysterious parasite.
It used to cause me terrible pain all the time.
The square medical establishment was no help.
They couldn't get it out, and some of the "professionals" even suggested it wasn't there.
That it was in my mind.
Even though I could feel it growing inside me Heal thyself.
That's what I had to do.
So I started reading Paracelsus found some ancient alchemical remedies that actually helped.
But there are no miracles.
We have to learn to live with these things.
All we can do is manage the pain Here it is.
Official letter from London.
It says an emissary has been selected and briefed.
And we should expect someone to arrive within a fortnight? I'm gonna do a shot before the meeting.
Yeah, okay.
A fortnight.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Did you know that Blaise has a parasite living inside of him? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
I've heard that tale many times.
Yeah, yeah.
Pretty crazy week, huh? Solid turnout tonight I guess either you're all happy I'm back, or you just wanted to hear about our mummy! Well, I can't help you with that.
But you've probably seen our fliers around.
Our Majestic Knight, Blaise St.
John, is giving a public lecture tomorrow night, God help us all.
It's about, uh Well, fill us in.
Fill us in It's about the alchemic underpinnings of the death ritual of Wallace Smith, how it references the the legendary burial of Harwood Fritz Merrill Can't wait.
Okay one more announcement.
As you know, I am stepping down from my throne and handing it over to Ernie Fontaine.
Whoo! Yeah! Yeah! We are all looking forward to the Succession Ceremony.
In fact, I am so excited, I have decided we should do it ASAP.
On Friday night.
- Sound good? - Yeah.
W-Wait a minute.
S-Shouldn't we wait for London? Since they have to sign off to make it official anyway? I am Sovereign Protector of Lodge 49.
You know what I say? Screw London! Yeah.
- All right.
- All right.
- Okay.
- See you.
Mm-hmm.
Congrats, Ernie.
That's, uh Looks like you're going on the Grand Tour after all.
Thanks.
I appreciate it.
Yeah.
Congratulations, Ernie.
Thanks.
Um, you know, I was, uh I was I-I was thinking.
Maybe, uh, sometime we can get you out on the Sea-Doos.
Yeah, sure I just rebuilt the engines.
657X.
All new bearings and pins, seals and gaskets.
They, you know They ride like a dream.
Like a dream - We should go, honey.
- The Ugh.
How can you stand it? Ugh.
Hey.
Hey, stranger.
I know, right? - Uh.
"Lil' Chefs" just started.
- Ohh.
They're making crème brûlée this week.
They get to use torches.
Yeah.
So what's up in Lizard Land? Very little.
Bet you're happy to have the place to yourself again, huh? So things must be going well with, um what's-her-face.
- Gloria.
- Oh.
Yeah, her name's Gloria.
And, yeah.
It's been super intense.
You know? She's I-I don't know how to describe her.
She's just, like, super intense.
Well.
You know? Well, it sounds intense.
When can I meet her? Uhh.
W-Why don't you bring her by Shamroxx? I'll comp your meals.
- Really? - Yeah.
Oh.
Thanks, Liz.
Yeah, it's Gloria I gotta go.
What about "Lil' Chefs"? You can just text me who wins.
All right? See ya! Gentlemen, I have been in the plumbing rep biz since 1977.
It's been a crazy ride.
I've seen and done things other men can only dream of.
But I can't say that I've ever been abducted by a group of developers driving around in a black SUV on a Sunday.
It happened.
I'm not making it up.
What is going on with you? He's got PTSD from Vietnam.
Vietnam? - How old do you think I am? - Oh, no, no, no, no.
Ernie was in the Balkans.
On a holiday cruise.
I was fighting ethno-nationalism.
At least I served.
What did you ever do? I just cashed the biggest commission check of my life.
Yeah, well when I find Captain Jesus, Ernie! You're chasing shadows.
But I saw it all, the whole plan! I'm telling you! Don't you see? The billboards are all over town.
"Is there another way to live" I've been getting angry calls all week.
You're not servicing your accounts.
Stop being a diva, Ernie.
I actually couldn't tell if they'd call me "gook" or "cook.
" I don't know which is worse.
Oh, my God.
Ugh.
The Kringle brothers, man.
OC Luftwaffe dickheads To be fair, I kept dropping in on Travis.
Hey.
Lady-shreds-a-lot.
Okay? You need to be careful out there.
I'm serious.
If something happens to you out in the water, and no one's there to look out for you Hey, I'm going back out after work.
Come with me.
Sorry, but I have a date.
- Human Resources? - Yeah.
- Still? - Yeah, still.
Oh, you know, this past week's been one of the best weeks I've had in a long time.
Kinda feel like I'm floating on air.
All right.
See you later.
Peace.
Your note's due.
What? Already? The vig kicks tomorrow.
89.
9.
Take as much time as you want.
What are my options, Burt? Okay, so, car title loan.
You give me three grand, I give it to you settles my signature loan, and then I'm good for how long? Two weeks.
I'm giving you horrible terms.
Even worse than your sig loan.
This is probably the dumbest decision you can make.
But I'm good for two weeks? a local fraternal order has given new meaning to the phrase "pyramid scheme" after an unexpected and gruesome - Oh, my God.
- find today.
Members discovered a sealed-off room, and within it, the preserved body of a man who had been there since nineteen This could be it.
The True Lodge.
Hey, Avery wake your ass up! Let's get this rig moving! I know, but I gotta get in there.
Thanks for waiting! Sit down! Oh.
What? You Are you gonna call me in 'cause you need something? Oh.
Um You should just come in, I guess.
Okay.
Hi, Ms.
Keller.
I brought you those files that you asked for the sorry, you didn't ask ask for anything.
Um, I can go get you some of those files Sorry.
This is why I thought um, it might be a good idea to have a reason to come Just put them there.
Wait.
So I-I do have files? Or? Sorry, I know it doesn't matter.
It's just I think, you know, a certain amount of realism adds to the - This was a bad idea.
- No! No, no, no, no, no.
We can make it work.
We can make it work.
Look, we just Let's just get s-something down on paper You know? Let's map it out.
Okay.
All right.
Hey You know, forget about it.
Let's just let's just go to a movie or something.
A movie? Oh no no no We're not dating.
We're This isn't going anywhere.
This is just sex.
I don't I don't mean that to sound because it's been good It's been amazing.
But I don't want you to Dud.
I kill everything I touch.
Oh.
Come on.
Don't be ridiculous.
You're wrong.
'Cause that first night that we spent together? We stayed up until dawn talking.
That wasn't just sex.
I mean, obviously it led to more sex, but You're the first person in a year who's looked at me the way that people used to.
Like I was a normal person, walking around normally.
And I saw you.
It took me while, because I'm an idiot and you were hidden behind all this stuff But I saw you.
- Oh, yeah! - Ahh! Give me the money! So are you excited for the ceremony tonight? Getting the keys to the Sanctum Sanctorum? Yeah.
But I kind of agree with Scott.
- Why not wait for London? - Ahh.
Paperwork from on high.
Man, who cares? You've been waiting long enough.
Besides, since when do you care what Scott thinks? - Ooh.
- Uh-oh.
That was bad.
It's been a mess lately Well, what do you expect? Connie's put everything on hold.
I don't know if she can't decide or if she just doesn't want to decide.
Limbo.
It's hell.
I mean, Hell is hell.
But limbo is also hell.
It might actually be worse than Hell.
I mean, I want her to make the move, but I'm dreading it too.
Once she tells Scott, everybody's gonna think I'm the bad guy.
Well, to be fair, Ernie.
You are the bad guy.
I know, I know it's a mess, man.
Well, believe it or not, you are not the first Lynx to have an affair.
It comes out, people get upset, and then you know what happens? Everyone gets on with their lives.
Don't worry about what other people think.
The truth hurts, but no one ever regrets hearing it.
What's that? Wisdom? Hmm? What do you think of Dud? He's all right.
It's good to have some young blood in the Lodge.
Yeah, yeah.
You know, at first I thought they sent him to take me out.
But that's absurd! And now I see they sent Dud as a message he has no idea what's going on.
They? Who's they? What the hell is that? I guess Big Ben pulled the trigger a little too early.
I love it! Hey.
Here you go.
Thank you.
- Hey! - Hey.
Welcome to America's third or fourth most popular breastaraunt! Hi! Hey.
What are you doing? We never hug.
- Oh - Oh.
It's nice to meet you.
Dud's told me a lot about you.
Well, uh, have a seat.
- Mm-hmm.
- I will be right back.
Hey.
Hey, you can you can comp everything, right? I promise.
Cool.
Awesome.
Isn't she great? Yeah.
I mean, you didn't tell me she's like 100 years old.
Huh? N No, she's not.
Glo Gloria's only, um She's only You know what, I-I don't care how old she is, so Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
This makes sense.
She's going through a mid-life crisis, you're the office boy in a MILF video.
No.
- N It's It's not like that.
- Oh, yeah.
No.
It is you know, she's not a MILF.
She can't even have kids, okay? Her uterus is shaped wrong, so Yeah.
You don't even know her yet.
Come on, give her a chance.
No.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
Look, sit down.
I'll bring over some wings.
Okay.
Awesome.
Sorry I kept you waiting.
Oh, that's fine.
Welcome.
Thank you for coming.
Welcome to Lodge 49.
I'm quite nervous.
I don't do a lot of, uh, public speaking.
Um but I think I'm supposed to picture you all naked.
I'd like to start with a quote from the Rosary of the Philosophers.
"Wherever we have spoken openly, we have actually said nothing.
But where we have written something in code and pictures, we have concealed the truth.
" Blaise, for chrissakes, you've got something in your nose.
What? Oh.
Make sure it doesn't break! Keep pulling! Keep pulling! No! Oh! Oh! - What is that?! - You got it! Oh! That was like the greatest orgasm of my life Oh, my God! Paracelsus, man! Heal thyself! Oh, yeah! Are you kidding me? I skipped the lecture.
This is really nice.
Speak.
Limbo.
Wha What? Limbo is hell.
I'm sick of it, you're sick of it, and Scott doesn't know it yet, but he's sick of it, too.
I just want you to know that when the truth comes out, I won't give a damn what people think.
I only care about you.
And that's why you need to make a decision.
Scott.
Go, go.
Go, go, go, go, go, go.
So, you excited, for the ceremony tonight? Oh, sure.
Hopefully it'll erase the memory of Blaise pulling that goddamn worm out of his head.
Yeah.
So, listen, uh Obviously, you have no clue what's going on, but I just want to thank you anyway.
It's like I've been asleep for a long time, and when you walked into the Lodge, I finally woke up.
What do you mean? You walked into the Lodge for a reason.
It's all connected.
I know! I know.
I feel the same way.
It's what I've been trying to tell everybody.
I spent 50 years pouring concrete, drinking at the Lodge.
I loved it, but now I see there's so much more.
For the first time in my life, I'm above the maze.
I just wish I'd started looking for it sooner.
Looking for what? Okay, okay, yeah.
Shadows and riddles.
You know, it's all part of the deal, right? When I'm gone, you and Ernie have to stick together.
You mean when you step down? Yeah yeah.
Come on.
Hello, Queen Liz.
It's your old pal, Corporate Bitch.
- What? - I mean, that's what you called me the other night.
You also called me Prince Crapface, Fresno McBalls.
We were having a blast! I don't remember calling you Fresno McBalls.
And I don't remember having a blast.
You should check out Gerson's Instagram.
Why are you here? Oh, I, uh came to bring this by.
It's the application form for the Omni exec training program that we talked about.
My card's in there, so just give me a call and I'll set you up with our program director.
Uh no thanks.
I'm not trying to move up the Shamroxx ladder, you know? Actually, as part of our exec carousel, you'll be overseeing all our eateries and fun zones.
Actually I'm good here.
You seemed so excited.
Well, you were talking to wasted me, okay.
Wasted me is a delight.
She laughs at everyone's jokes and makes big plans for the future.
But, uh, now you're talking to not-wasted-me.
She lives in reality and needs to finish doing these inserts.
Okay, I get it.
I guess, uh, the other thing is I had a really great time with you on Sunday, and I was just wondering if, you know, maybe if you wan What? Nothing.
Yeah.
Excuse me.
I've simulated this in therapy, so I already know what I'm going to say to you.
There's a difference, Liz, between dreams and consummation.
You want to be with me, and I want to be with you.
No That's not it at all.
I don't know what I was thinking.
Can I please just go back to work now? Of course.
What are you doing?! These are really good.
How would you know? Those are just sketches.
It's a nervous habit.
D-Did you take classes or something? Yes.
Once, years ago.
I was the worst in the class.
The professor said I'd never have a-a good line.
What? He said that? Screw him.
He was right.
I'm terrible.
It saved me a lot of grief.
Yeah, come on.
Don't talk like that.
Do you want me to lie? Say, "Yeah, I can be anything I want! Anything's possible!" Hey.
What the hell's the matter? Wha You think you see me.
But you don't you don't see what I really am.
The way I think.
You're a good person.
I'm not.
What do you mean? You You take care of your mom I wish she was dead.
No, you don't.
Believe me.
It's all I think about.
My life is waiting for her to die.
I can't even look at her.
Now you see who you're really dealing with.
But your mom's still here.
She's not You can still say all the things that y Come here.
Come here.
Come on.
Tell her.
Tell her what you told me.
What?! No! Just do it.
Look at her and say it.
Say it.
I want you to die.
I want you to die.
Will you please Will you please die.
[Lock clicks, door You're not staying at Gloria's tonight? No.
No, it was nice, but it's over.
I'm sorry.
Are you okay? Yeah.
Actually, I'm okay.
It's probably for the best.
It wasn't going anywhere.
Why waste each other's time? It wasn't a waste at all.
Where's the remote? It's one of Dad's.
I found it at the house on the roof.
It was hidden inside a vent.
Hey, be careful.
It's the last one.
What What were you doing at the house? How did you even get in? Uh that's It's a long story.
Um the Lodge sort of led me to it.
Good for you.
Hey, what's the matter with you? Nothing.
Just long day.
Okay.
You know what, Liz? I'm just gonna give you a little advice, okay? You need to quit your job.
- Quit.
Really? - Mm-hmm.
You're gonna pick up the slack? Yeah.
I mean, I'll I'll get more aggressive with Temp Joy.
You know, and I just refinanced my loan with Burt, and the Lodge is Do you understand how completely delusional you are? Do you understand how completely miserable you are? You get to live in a nice, little bubble, and I get to pay for it.
I pay for everything! All you care about is money! That's it! Well, someone has to! You never will.
- You are just like Dad.
- Yeah, well, I hope I am because he was the best guy that I ever met! - Oh.
- He knew how to enjoy life.
He was happy! You know, that's your biggest delusion of all, right there.
- Really? What? - Dad was faking it.
The debt had been crushing him for years.
Years! He couldn't deal with it, so he decides to check out.
Jesus Christ, Liz! He He drowned! No, he knew exactly what he was doing.
He body-surfed every day of his life.
You You actually think he drowned? I don't know! I don't know what happened out there.
Maybe Maybe he had a heart attack.
He could've gotten caught in a rip.
Maybe he got attacked by a shark! - I don't know! - A shark?! God, you'll believe anything as long as you don't have to face the truth! Dad wanted to die, Dud.
He killed himself! And deep down, you know it! Take it back.
- Get off me.
- Take it back now! No! - Ow! - Get off me! Ow! God! Ow! God, get off me! No! Ah Ow.
You were wrong about Dad.
He didn't want to die but you do.
Hey, Dud.
Don't worry about your foot.
I'm gonna fix it.
I had a crisis of faith, but now I feel like anything's possible.
And we will end this invocation with the words of Thomas Norton "No man therefore may reach this great present, but he who hath virtues excellent.
" Please stand in honor of our Sovereign Protector's last entrance.
Hey, Larry? - Hey, hey.
- Larry? What's happening? It's okay.
Let's go, Larry.
It reminds me of home.
Three days by the pool, and my brain is already melted.
Well it's beautiful.
The Tongva Indians they lived like this for 3,000 years.
Yeah.
3,000 years.
No war, no hassle.
Total freakin' paradise.
Ever heard of Paul Gauguin? No.
He was a stockbroker in Paris, but then he quit to become an artist.
He sailed for Tahiti and never came back.
I like this guy.
He left behind his wife and kids, and when he got to Tahiti, he gave half the island syphilis.
Why are you telling me this? Because there's no such thing as paradise.
Yeah, there is.
What is it? Oh.
I had a dream.
Can't really describe it, but my dad used to blow smoke rings.
And when when Liz and I were little, he'd sit on the end of the couch and he'd take a a big drag of his cigarette, and he'd puff a few out at a time.
And me and Liz would try to fight to catch them.
I don't remember any of my dreams.
All hail.
The Joan of Arc of Booze.
Ugh was I that bad? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
The details of that night are a little fuzzy to me.
How did we end up in that corporate guy's apartment? Eh, who cares? No point digging up the past.
I captured some nice moments for us on Instagram.
So we could remember them always.
Please, no I hear you, Liz.
The Internet's an abattoir.
We're the butcher and the pig.
I added some fun filters.
It looks like you and Corporate are really hitting it off.
That is horrifying.
Make it stop! Whoa.
Okay.
Hey, Veronica.
I hope you have a lovely day! Don't bother.
She's not there.
Hey.
I Uhhh H-Hey, Gloria.
I think your mom's got a leaky diaper.
God - Ugh.
Just go.
- I can Please.
Okay? Okay.
Um, I'll see you later.
Larry? What are you doing? Sometimes the pump dragon makes noise.
Pump dragon? Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
What? I need to change the combo on that lock.
Keep the riff raff out.
I said no calls.
I know we're "on a break" or whatever.
But it's Larry.
Something's off about him.
He's together one sec, and the next he's talking nonsense.
I told you, I-I I need boundaries.
I can't be your person right now.
I'm I'm too busy.
Doing what? Pissing away my afternoons.
It's my writing process I gotta go.
S-Sorry.
Gil! You're trespassing.
I know.
Sorry Ah, don't be.
I'm just following the script my employer handed me I don't believe in it.
And you're not trespassing.
Aerospace was built on government investment, using our tax dollars right? which created jobs, which created more tax revenue, which created more missiles, which created more suburbs.
It was a giant golden circle jerk and it belongs to all of us.
Did you see a guy on a bike come through? Nah, but I'm at the end of my shift.
I'm not firing on all cylinders.
Well I hope a few days off was restful.
I-I wanted to talk to you about something Jeremy, I'm I'm sorry.
I know Corporate's visit was important to you.
The problem is I am cursed with a high tolerance for alcohol, so I can go and go, but then at some point, I, like, go over the falls.
And then, before I know it, I'm a "different person," only I can't remember anything because I've blacked out, and for the next few days, I stew in a nice hot bath of shame.
Well, actually, Corporate was quite charmed with his visit.
In fact, he's upping our ad budget.
Oh.
You two really hit it off No.
No, we didn't.
Screw that guy.
Some little mannequin in a suit I've never heard you laugh like that before.
Ever.
Gerson has it on tape, I think, if you want What did you want to talk to me about? The other night, while you were going over the falls, I realized that I have developed feelings for you.
- Jeremy you're married.
- I know! Also and this is kind of important I have absolutely zero feelings for you.
Zero.
None I know! It's It's It's It's ridiculous! But I can't help it, Liz.
I mean, y-y-you're you're so smart and you're so competent.
I ha I have dreams about you.
Dreams don't mean anything.
Listen, I-I-I've been talking about this with Sarah in couples therapy.
And it's been a little hard at first, but we finally got it out.
And I-I actually think it's bringing us closer together.
Happy to help.
Yeah.
Look, I-I realize I've uploaded a lot of challenging info here.
I just I just hope you don't, uh hold it against me.
No.
I just want to, you know, get it out in the open.
That way, it doesn't, like, morph into this, you know, weird thing.
Yeah.
- What's up? - Hey.
Yeah, nothing.
I'm just hanging at the Lodge.
I'm excited about Blaise's lecture.
Hey, I'm kinda working right now.
Yeah.
Me too.
I'm on call at Temp Joy, you know? Did you need something? No, just wanted to see, you know, what you were doing.
Thought I'd give you a call.
See what's up.
Well, like I said.
I'm working.
Yeah.
So how's, uh, things going with the Connie situation? You guys still on a break or Yeah, but I I-I really don't have time Don't worry about it.
I got your back.
We're in cahoots We are not in cahoots.
- Okay? - We're in cahoots.
It's okay.
No, we're not in cahoots.
Uh hey? Hello? Every whack job in the city is gonna show up for Blaise's magic show.
Uhh Hey, Larry.
How did When'd you come in? Hey, I feel bad about punching you in the face.
Let me make it up to you.
You got time this week? Uh, yeah.
Well, good.
Good.
I'll come find you.
Okay.
So, I was thinking gold is valuable because it's rare,.
right? But if we could make gold, then it wouldn't be rare anymore.
So by making gold, we're sort of destroying gold Yeah.
Uh, you're talking about market value.
Merrill didn't care about that.
He called gold "the residue of eternity.
" Oh.
What does that mean? Uh, gold is the material by-product of the Magnum Opus the reconciliation of body, spirit, and time Hey, uh Hey, Blaise, are you okay? I don't understand any of it.
Alchemy's all shadows and riddles like Smith's diary.
I'll never figure it out, 'cause I can't get my mind around anything! No! What are you talking about? You're one of the smartest sounding guys I ever met! I'm a fraud.
I barely cracked 900 on my SATs.
900? Well, that's not so bad! Okay? I don't even remember what I got my sister, she got way into the thousands Tomorrow night, I'm supposed to get up on stage and give a lecture explaining the genius of Harwood Fritz Merrill.
I can't! It's gonna be a nightmare.
I posted about the lecture in all my esoterica chat rooms.
A bunch of people said they're coming.
And some of those guys are real weirdos.
Lonely men with an ax to grind.
If I get one thing wrong, they are gonna destroy me in the Q&A Hey, hey, hey! Whoa, hey! Easy.
Easy, easy, easy, easy.
Okay.
Hey.
Okay, do I need to call a doctor? Because I think your appendix might be exploding.
I am a doctor.
Okay.
It's not my appendix A few years ago in India, I picked up a mysterious parasite.
It used to cause me terrible pain all the time.
The square medical establishment was no help.
They couldn't get it out, and some of the "professionals" even suggested it wasn't there.
That it was in my mind.
Even though I could feel it growing inside me Heal thyself.
That's what I had to do.
So I started reading Paracelsus found some ancient alchemical remedies that actually helped.
But there are no miracles.
We have to learn to live with these things.
All we can do is manage the pain Here it is.
Official letter from London.
It says an emissary has been selected and briefed.
And we should expect someone to arrive within a fortnight? I'm gonna do a shot before the meeting.
Yeah, okay.
A fortnight.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Did you know that Blaise has a parasite living inside of him? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
I've heard that tale many times.
Yeah, yeah.
Pretty crazy week, huh? Solid turnout tonight I guess either you're all happy I'm back, or you just wanted to hear about our mummy! Well, I can't help you with that.
But you've probably seen our fliers around.
Our Majestic Knight, Blaise St.
John, is giving a public lecture tomorrow night, God help us all.
It's about, uh Well, fill us in.
Fill us in It's about the alchemic underpinnings of the death ritual of Wallace Smith, how it references the the legendary burial of Harwood Fritz Merrill Can't wait.
Okay one more announcement.
As you know, I am stepping down from my throne and handing it over to Ernie Fontaine.
Whoo! Yeah! Yeah! We are all looking forward to the Succession Ceremony.
In fact, I am so excited, I have decided we should do it ASAP.
On Friday night.
- Sound good? - Yeah.
W-Wait a minute.
S-Shouldn't we wait for London? Since they have to sign off to make it official anyway? I am Sovereign Protector of Lodge 49.
You know what I say? Screw London! Yeah.
- All right.
- All right.
- Okay.
- See you.
Mm-hmm.
Congrats, Ernie.
That's, uh Looks like you're going on the Grand Tour after all.
Thanks.
I appreciate it.
Yeah.
Congratulations, Ernie.
Thanks.
Um, you know, I was, uh I was I-I was thinking.
Maybe, uh, sometime we can get you out on the Sea-Doos.
Yeah, sure I just rebuilt the engines.
657X.
All new bearings and pins, seals and gaskets.
They, you know They ride like a dream.
Like a dream - We should go, honey.
- The Ugh.
How can you stand it? Ugh.
Hey.
Hey, stranger.
I know, right? - Uh.
"Lil' Chefs" just started.
- Ohh.
They're making crème brûlée this week.
They get to use torches.
Yeah.
So what's up in Lizard Land? Very little.
Bet you're happy to have the place to yourself again, huh? So things must be going well with, um what's-her-face.
- Gloria.
- Oh.
Yeah, her name's Gloria.
And, yeah.
It's been super intense.
You know? She's I-I don't know how to describe her.
She's just, like, super intense.
Well.
You know? Well, it sounds intense.
When can I meet her? Uhh.
W-Why don't you bring her by Shamroxx? I'll comp your meals.
- Really? - Yeah.
Oh.
Thanks, Liz.
Yeah, it's Gloria I gotta go.
What about "Lil' Chefs"? You can just text me who wins.
All right? See ya! Gentlemen, I have been in the plumbing rep biz since 1977.
It's been a crazy ride.
I've seen and done things other men can only dream of.
But I can't say that I've ever been abducted by a group of developers driving around in a black SUV on a Sunday.
It happened.
I'm not making it up.
What is going on with you? He's got PTSD from Vietnam.
Vietnam? - How old do you think I am? - Oh, no, no, no, no.
Ernie was in the Balkans.
On a holiday cruise.
I was fighting ethno-nationalism.
At least I served.
What did you ever do? I just cashed the biggest commission check of my life.
Yeah, well when I find Captain Jesus, Ernie! You're chasing shadows.
But I saw it all, the whole plan! I'm telling you! Don't you see? The billboards are all over town.
"Is there another way to live" I've been getting angry calls all week.
You're not servicing your accounts.
Stop being a diva, Ernie.
I actually couldn't tell if they'd call me "gook" or "cook.
" I don't know which is worse.
Oh, my God.
Ugh.
The Kringle brothers, man.
OC Luftwaffe dickheads To be fair, I kept dropping in on Travis.
Hey.
Lady-shreds-a-lot.
Okay? You need to be careful out there.
I'm serious.
If something happens to you out in the water, and no one's there to look out for you Hey, I'm going back out after work.
Come with me.
Sorry, but I have a date.
- Human Resources? - Yeah.
- Still? - Yeah, still.
Oh, you know, this past week's been one of the best weeks I've had in a long time.
Kinda feel like I'm floating on air.
All right.
See you later.
Peace.
Your note's due.
What? Already? The vig kicks tomorrow.
89.
9.
Take as much time as you want.
What are my options, Burt? Okay, so, car title loan.
You give me three grand, I give it to you settles my signature loan, and then I'm good for how long? Two weeks.
I'm giving you horrible terms.
Even worse than your sig loan.
This is probably the dumbest decision you can make.
But I'm good for two weeks? a local fraternal order has given new meaning to the phrase "pyramid scheme" after an unexpected and gruesome - Oh, my God.
- find today.
Members discovered a sealed-off room, and within it, the preserved body of a man who had been there since nineteen This could be it.
The True Lodge.
Hey, Avery wake your ass up! Let's get this rig moving! I know, but I gotta get in there.
Thanks for waiting! Sit down! Oh.
What? You Are you gonna call me in 'cause you need something? Oh.
Um You should just come in, I guess.
Okay.
Hi, Ms.
Keller.
I brought you those files that you asked for the sorry, you didn't ask ask for anything.
Um, I can go get you some of those files Sorry.
This is why I thought um, it might be a good idea to have a reason to come Just put them there.
Wait.
So I-I do have files? Or? Sorry, I know it doesn't matter.
It's just I think, you know, a certain amount of realism adds to the - This was a bad idea.
- No! No, no, no, no, no.
We can make it work.
We can make it work.
Look, we just Let's just get s-something down on paper You know? Let's map it out.
Okay.
All right.
Hey You know, forget about it.
Let's just let's just go to a movie or something.
A movie? Oh no no no We're not dating.
We're This isn't going anywhere.
This is just sex.
I don't I don't mean that to sound because it's been good It's been amazing.
But I don't want you to Dud.
I kill everything I touch.
Oh.
Come on.
Don't be ridiculous.
You're wrong.
'Cause that first night that we spent together? We stayed up until dawn talking.
That wasn't just sex.
I mean, obviously it led to more sex, but You're the first person in a year who's looked at me the way that people used to.
Like I was a normal person, walking around normally.
And I saw you.
It took me while, because I'm an idiot and you were hidden behind all this stuff But I saw you.
- Oh, yeah! - Ahh! Give me the money! So are you excited for the ceremony tonight? Getting the keys to the Sanctum Sanctorum? Yeah.
But I kind of agree with Scott.
- Why not wait for London? - Ahh.
Paperwork from on high.
Man, who cares? You've been waiting long enough.
Besides, since when do you care what Scott thinks? - Ooh.
- Uh-oh.
That was bad.
It's been a mess lately Well, what do you expect? Connie's put everything on hold.
I don't know if she can't decide or if she just doesn't want to decide.
Limbo.
It's hell.
I mean, Hell is hell.
But limbo is also hell.
It might actually be worse than Hell.
I mean, I want her to make the move, but I'm dreading it too.
Once she tells Scott, everybody's gonna think I'm the bad guy.
Well, to be fair, Ernie.
You are the bad guy.
I know, I know it's a mess, man.
Well, believe it or not, you are not the first Lynx to have an affair.
It comes out, people get upset, and then you know what happens? Everyone gets on with their lives.
Don't worry about what other people think.
The truth hurts, but no one ever regrets hearing it.
What's that? Wisdom? Hmm? What do you think of Dud? He's all right.
It's good to have some young blood in the Lodge.
Yeah, yeah.
You know, at first I thought they sent him to take me out.
But that's absurd! And now I see they sent Dud as a message he has no idea what's going on.
They? Who's they? What the hell is that? I guess Big Ben pulled the trigger a little too early.
I love it! Hey.
Here you go.
Thank you.
- Hey! - Hey.
Welcome to America's third or fourth most popular breastaraunt! Hi! Hey.
What are you doing? We never hug.
- Oh - Oh.
It's nice to meet you.
Dud's told me a lot about you.
Well, uh, have a seat.
- Mm-hmm.
- I will be right back.
Hey.
Hey, you can you can comp everything, right? I promise.
Cool.
Awesome.
Isn't she great? Yeah.
I mean, you didn't tell me she's like 100 years old.
Huh? N No, she's not.
Glo Gloria's only, um She's only You know what, I-I don't care how old she is, so Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
This makes sense.
She's going through a mid-life crisis, you're the office boy in a MILF video.
No.
- N It's It's not like that.
- Oh, yeah.
No.
It is you know, she's not a MILF.
She can't even have kids, okay? Her uterus is shaped wrong, so Yeah.
You don't even know her yet.
Come on, give her a chance.
No.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
Look, sit down.
I'll bring over some wings.
Okay.
Awesome.
Sorry I kept you waiting.
Oh, that's fine.
Welcome.
Thank you for coming.
Welcome to Lodge 49.
I'm quite nervous.
I don't do a lot of, uh, public speaking.
Um but I think I'm supposed to picture you all naked.
I'd like to start with a quote from the Rosary of the Philosophers.
"Wherever we have spoken openly, we have actually said nothing.
But where we have written something in code and pictures, we have concealed the truth.
" Blaise, for chrissakes, you've got something in your nose.
What? Oh.
Make sure it doesn't break! Keep pulling! Keep pulling! No! Oh! Oh! - What is that?! - You got it! Oh! That was like the greatest orgasm of my life Oh, my God! Paracelsus, man! Heal thyself! Oh, yeah! Are you kidding me? I skipped the lecture.
This is really nice.
Speak.
Limbo.
Wha What? Limbo is hell.
I'm sick of it, you're sick of it, and Scott doesn't know it yet, but he's sick of it, too.
I just want you to know that when the truth comes out, I won't give a damn what people think.
I only care about you.
And that's why you need to make a decision.
Scott.
Go, go.
Go, go, go, go, go, go.
So, you excited, for the ceremony tonight? Oh, sure.
Hopefully it'll erase the memory of Blaise pulling that goddamn worm out of his head.
Yeah.
So, listen, uh Obviously, you have no clue what's going on, but I just want to thank you anyway.
It's like I've been asleep for a long time, and when you walked into the Lodge, I finally woke up.
What do you mean? You walked into the Lodge for a reason.
It's all connected.
I know! I know.
I feel the same way.
It's what I've been trying to tell everybody.
I spent 50 years pouring concrete, drinking at the Lodge.
I loved it, but now I see there's so much more.
For the first time in my life, I'm above the maze.
I just wish I'd started looking for it sooner.
Looking for what? Okay, okay, yeah.
Shadows and riddles.
You know, it's all part of the deal, right? When I'm gone, you and Ernie have to stick together.
You mean when you step down? Yeah yeah.
Come on.
Hello, Queen Liz.
It's your old pal, Corporate Bitch.
- What? - I mean, that's what you called me the other night.
You also called me Prince Crapface, Fresno McBalls.
We were having a blast! I don't remember calling you Fresno McBalls.
And I don't remember having a blast.
You should check out Gerson's Instagram.
Why are you here? Oh, I, uh came to bring this by.
It's the application form for the Omni exec training program that we talked about.
My card's in there, so just give me a call and I'll set you up with our program director.
Uh no thanks.
I'm not trying to move up the Shamroxx ladder, you know? Actually, as part of our exec carousel, you'll be overseeing all our eateries and fun zones.
Actually I'm good here.
You seemed so excited.
Well, you were talking to wasted me, okay.
Wasted me is a delight.
She laughs at everyone's jokes and makes big plans for the future.
But, uh, now you're talking to not-wasted-me.
She lives in reality and needs to finish doing these inserts.
Okay, I get it.
I guess, uh, the other thing is I had a really great time with you on Sunday, and I was just wondering if, you know, maybe if you wan What? Nothing.
Yeah.
Excuse me.
I've simulated this in therapy, so I already know what I'm going to say to you.
There's a difference, Liz, between dreams and consummation.
You want to be with me, and I want to be with you.
No That's not it at all.
I don't know what I was thinking.
Can I please just go back to work now? Of course.
What are you doing?! These are really good.
How would you know? Those are just sketches.
It's a nervous habit.
D-Did you take classes or something? Yes.
Once, years ago.
I was the worst in the class.
The professor said I'd never have a-a good line.
What? He said that? Screw him.
He was right.
I'm terrible.
It saved me a lot of grief.
Yeah, come on.
Don't talk like that.
Do you want me to lie? Say, "Yeah, I can be anything I want! Anything's possible!" Hey.
What the hell's the matter? Wha You think you see me.
But you don't you don't see what I really am.
The way I think.
You're a good person.
I'm not.
What do you mean? You You take care of your mom I wish she was dead.
No, you don't.
Believe me.
It's all I think about.
My life is waiting for her to die.
I can't even look at her.
Now you see who you're really dealing with.
But your mom's still here.
She's not You can still say all the things that y Come here.
Come here.
Come on.
Tell her.
Tell her what you told me.
What?! No! Just do it.
Look at her and say it.
Say it.
I want you to die.
I want you to die.
Will you please Will you please die.
[Lock clicks, door You're not staying at Gloria's tonight? No.
No, it was nice, but it's over.
I'm sorry.
Are you okay? Yeah.
Actually, I'm okay.
It's probably for the best.
It wasn't going anywhere.
Why waste each other's time? It wasn't a waste at all.
Where's the remote? It's one of Dad's.
I found it at the house on the roof.
It was hidden inside a vent.
Hey, be careful.
It's the last one.
What What were you doing at the house? How did you even get in? Uh that's It's a long story.
Um the Lodge sort of led me to it.
Good for you.
Hey, what's the matter with you? Nothing.
Just long day.
Okay.
You know what, Liz? I'm just gonna give you a little advice, okay? You need to quit your job.
- Quit.
Really? - Mm-hmm.
You're gonna pick up the slack? Yeah.
I mean, I'll I'll get more aggressive with Temp Joy.
You know, and I just refinanced my loan with Burt, and the Lodge is Do you understand how completely delusional you are? Do you understand how completely miserable you are? You get to live in a nice, little bubble, and I get to pay for it.
I pay for everything! All you care about is money! That's it! Well, someone has to! You never will.
- You are just like Dad.
- Yeah, well, I hope I am because he was the best guy that I ever met! - Oh.
- He knew how to enjoy life.
He was happy! You know, that's your biggest delusion of all, right there.
- Really? What? - Dad was faking it.
The debt had been crushing him for years.
Years! He couldn't deal with it, so he decides to check out.
Jesus Christ, Liz! He He drowned! No, he knew exactly what he was doing.
He body-surfed every day of his life.
You You actually think he drowned? I don't know! I don't know what happened out there.
Maybe Maybe he had a heart attack.
He could've gotten caught in a rip.
Maybe he got attacked by a shark! - I don't know! - A shark?! God, you'll believe anything as long as you don't have to face the truth! Dad wanted to die, Dud.
He killed himself! And deep down, you know it! Take it back.
- Get off me.
- Take it back now! No! - Ow! - Get off me! Ow! God! Ow! God, get off me! No! Ah Ow.
You were wrong about Dad.
He didn't want to die but you do.
Hey, Dud.
Don't worry about your foot.
I'm gonna fix it.
I had a crisis of faith, but now I feel like anything's possible.
And we will end this invocation with the words of Thomas Norton "No man therefore may reach this great present, but he who hath virtues excellent.
" Please stand in honor of our Sovereign Protector's last entrance.
Hey, Larry? - Hey, hey.
- Larry? What's happening? It's okay.
Let's go, Larry.