LOL: Last One Laughing Australia (2020) s01e05 Episode Script
Helen From Hell
1
Unfortunately, someone
is about to be eliminated
Let's look at
the replay screen.
I think I'm starting
to lose it a bit.
Dilruk
You're red carded.
Champion.
Great job, brother.
See you, buddy.
But guys, this is actually
a double elimination.
What?
Oh, hear that, Sam?
-Yeah.
-Oh, shit.
It's a double elimination.
See ya.
Now, I have warned several
times about passive play.
And for the last
one hour and 12 minutes,
this player was
a bit too passive.
Let's have a look
at the monitor.
Walking away,
avoiding the situations,
and not being on the attack.
Ed Kavalee, I'm sorry.
But you have been
eliminated.
Good luck. everybody.
Ed.
Okay, say your goodbyes.
Magnificent.
You were my pick.
Take your sauce
stained shirt
and go off into
the wilderness.
-SAM: Into the night.
-Frank: Into the night.
Good on ya, Ed.
Good on ya, Dil.
Godspeed, gents.
DIL: I think I was really
starting to lose my mind,
towards the end there just
trying to, like, vomit and fart
and burp, and I just
was like desperate.
So I don't know if
I played a good game,
but I will say I played
a better game
than I thought I was
going to play,
which is not saying much.
Double elimination!
Rebel!
-Rebel!
-Jeez.
Living up to
the name, Rebel.
It's both intense and
it's kind of it's ridiculous.
Yeah, you feel like you've
been there for a month.
Oh, no.
FRANK: Wow.
Well, this is certainly
unexpected.
-Wow.
-A double.
I'll start the game.
♪[trumpet plays]
Okay, we're off and running.
[beeping]
Did you want to do
the cat thing again?
What's the cat thing?
Where you were a cat but
this time I'm a cat as well.
Me, Sam and Frank,
three men standing.
You guys be cats
and I'll watch you.
-All right.
-I'll give you my attention
while I drink a cup of tea.
All right.
And if I go like this
[spits]
Then I'm out of here.
I don't feel
I have been much of a
big player as
the other two,
but if they both
laugh, then I win.
All right.
[meows]
Frank, have a good look.
Look at my cat.
Oh, wow it's his
little cat junk.
[meowing]
[hissing]
I don't think cats
just do that, Naz.
I don't know whether you've
been around a cat before.
-Cats sniffing
-Do they rub?
Cats sniff each
other's assholes, Naz.
NAZEEM: Very close to him
Nazzy, get in there!
Get in there!
And he smelled like
rubber penises.
Nazeem, what is
going down there?
Why is your pants
did you shit yourself, Nazeem?
What's going on?
That's very cat like, the
just annoying people with
[Sam ululates]
All right, let's
we got to get in there.
NAZEEM: This is
my last big play.
Sam thinks that he's
crazier than everybody else.
[singing]
Let's call it my haka,
but it's a, uh
I'm trying to give
the cat my attention
and you my attention.
NAZEEM: So if you
meet him at his level,
suddenly he becomes
vulnerable,
and then he doesn't
know what to do.
Nazeem's like, goddamn,
just where's your
dignity, Nazeem?
Nazeem, where the fuck
is your dignity, mate?
What are you doing?
SAM: I know by this stage
that my cock's been everywhere.
And there's no dignity with me,
but I was like,
where's your dignity, mate?
I thought we all had to
check our dignity at the door.
No, dignity's fucked off
in Nazeem.
[burps]
Oh, that was a weird one.
[beeping]
Anne, I want to
ask you something.
Yes?
Would you be willing to
go back in as a zombie?
So you can't win
the game, obviously.
-Yeah.
-But would you be willing
to go back in
and try to knock
somebody out?
-Should I, guys?
-Yes, Anne!
Yeah.
Should Anne get
resurrected?
Yes!
And can I do anything,
can I laugh?
Yeah, you can laugh.
That will break them.
Have a full Eddo.
Bidou?
You do, you've got
to do Bidou.
Bidou.
ANNE: Helen Bidou,
another one of my characters
who's crazy,
Helen Bidou is
mentally unhinged
and one of the funniest
creations ever.
-Yeah, okay.
-Yeah, okay.
And, um, I'm gonna
warn the players
that a zombie
will be appearing.
Okay.
Go, Anne.
Target whoever
you like.
Strategically I should
start working away
at the top dogs.
Like Sam.
I'm gonna
He doesn't wanna
kiss me, oh no.
He doesn't wanna
kiss me, oh no.
He doesn't wanna
Okay, the cat's angry.
[rings]
Hello?
REBEL: Hey, it's Rebel.
Hey, Rebel.
Guys, good news,
potentially,
or bad news potentially.
A zombie is going to
enter the game.
A zombie's coming, guys.
Your zombie cannot
win the game,
I just want to be clear.
But the zombie can knock
any of you guys out.
Zombie attack coming in,
that freaked the shit out of me.
We won't tell you who
Because these are comedians
who have been kicked out
who have an axe to grind,
and there are no rules
controlling what they can do.
So they can be a little
bit less worried about
not laughing.
Zombies coming when
you least expect it.
-Good luck, Naz.
-Thanks, Rebel.
If anyone survives this,
they are dead inside.
Hey, guys, guess what you
can look forward to
after the zombies
if I survive it:
I'm gonna olive oil
the fuck out of myself
and just writhe around
in that pool,
whilst bloody
Nazeem hopefully laughs.
How do we make
Nazeem laugh?
Huh? You joyless fuck!
You joyless fuck.
-I've no enjoyment,
I've run out of it.
-You joyless fuck.
I've got to make
Nazeem laugh.
Fucking make me
laugh then, Sam.
SAM: I'm trying the best I can.
Well, just come here
and do it.
I'm gonna do something
in a minute.
Like, don't do aggressive stuff.
I can't deal with aggressive.
Oh my God, look at this.
[applause]
There he is.
You've been eating food?
How do you feel?
My brain is just fried.
Yeah.
Simmons has like
lost his mind today.
He's gonna need
the money for therapy.
Nana gives you
the best head jobs ♪
Nana gives you
the best head jobs ♪
Suck, Nana, Nana,
Suck, Nana, Nana, ♪
Suck my cock, Nana ♪
Oh, geez, what
am I doing?
This is only because
you're dressed like a Nana.
Whose Nana?
Hey, there, Nana,
you got no teeth ♪
You can satisfy me
sexually ♪
Nana sucks everybody's cock ♪
Nana
Nana ♪
FRANK: There was a point
where me and Sam,
just naturally just
kind of turned on Nazeem.
They call it gravy
because that's what ♪
Paul Kelly says, ♪
you've got to make gravy
with your Nana ♪
You're making gravy
with your Nana! ♪
SAM: Which is a euphemism
for having sex with
your Nana
But we mean that,
just to make clear,
in the most respectful
way you could to your grandma.
FRANK: It's such a horrible
thing to do
in the real world.
But strategically
in a game like this.
of course it's perfectly
acceptable.
Have you ever had
a Nana wank?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
-What's that?
That's where you
wank off a Nana.
No, no, no, no,
it's a thought of a Nana
and a secret wank
thinking of a Nana.
Yeah, it's really offensive.
It wasn't my Nana.
-Yeah, right.
-It was just a Nana.
They've gone insane.
They have gone insane.
Yeah, it's
a Mexican standoff.
Both my Nanas were quit small,
right they were
very slim build,
and we used to have
this act,
did you see the Nana
Gloves act, Sam?
I don't know there was
a Nana Gloves act. Is that
It was a great act because
both my Nanas were quite small
and I would kind of
fist both my Nanas.
Oh, for God's sake.
And then I could
lift them up.
I was much stronger.
It's called the Nana gloves.
[laughing]
Oh my God.
But it was great
did you ever see that act?
-NAZEEM: Both your Nanas?
-It was very highly, um
Sounds like a gym routine.
That sounds like a P
would go, ten reps.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, that was part of the
thing, how many lifts can I do?
With my Nana Gloves,
you know?
They loved it.
It was their idea.
They ganged up on me
and made me do it.
[beeping]
All right, let's get
to some dancing or something.
Let's do some dancing.
Let's do the dancing.
We're on for the dancing.
Let's get in there.
Let's fucking just
let it out.
[vocalizing]
Yeah, fuck yeah.
Let's get into it,
guys, come on, man.
Nothing weird.
Nothing weird,
just get into it.
Has he shat himself?
No.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Shake, shake, shake.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[gasps]
Did he?
-Oh.
-Oh my God.
Is it a joke?
-I think he has.
-It's gotta be.
Oh, he has a little
Please tell me
he shit himself.
No, he hasn't.
DILRUK: No, I think
he put something there.
I'm pretty sure
he put something.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
ANNE:
The job of the zombie is
to really get in there
and stick the last knife in
and really
give it a turn.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Hi!
It's Bidou!
[cheering]
Oh!
[screams]
Good. Good enthusiasm.
-That's what we want.
-[Anne laughing]
Well, well, well,
if it isn't Bidou.
Bidou, Bidou,
how do you do?
Well, look what
the cat dragged in.
Which cat?
We were both cats.
Here it is, all the famous
comedians in Australia,
and I'm not invited.
Well, I'm here now, boys.
And there's going to
be a few changes.
-Yeah?
-Yeah?
Okay.
I mean, put some
pants on.
All right, fair enough.
You're disgusting!
You people disgust me.
Nazeem.
That's pronounce it
Nazeem.
Helen.
-Multi-thumbs up.
-Frank.
A bit more action
with the thumbs up
giving you the
thumbs up with my little squid.
Oh, Sam.
Career low-light?
[laughing]
Woo-hoo-hoo!
Oh, Helen Bidou.
She's the life
of the party.
It's a party ♪
And I am Helen ♪
And you are no-ones ♪
So don't get me wrong ♪
Wouldn't get you
wrong, huh?
Don't get me wrong ♪
Don't get me wrong
Don't get me wrong ♪
Don't get me wrong ♪
Nazeem!
Don't get me wrong ♪
Don't get me wrong ♪
Don't get me wrong ♪
-Don't get me wrong ♪
-Yeah!
Look at how
I can laugh freely.
Free laugher.
Yeah, but you're not
really laughing now
because you're so tired,
aren't you?
Anne's really
stirring it up.
[laughs]
NAZEEM:
I think if someone laughed in
my face for a period of time,
you have to laugh.
It's like someone yawning.
You're going to yawn.
If someone laughs at you,
you're gonna laugh.
Always worried that that's
what was gonna happen.
[laughing]
Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
She's unhinged.
She's funny.
She shouldn't
be drinking.
-[laughs]
-That's funny.
Woo!
Come on.
Come on, Eddo.
-Helen, Helen.
-I'm not Eddo.
Helen, give us that.
Give us that.
It's no Eddo, man.
Get with it, it's Helen.
Come on, come on.
I'll get you another one.
-I'll get you another one.
-Let her bloody do
what she needs to do.
Helen Bidet do
what Helen Bidet
needs to do.
It's a cocktail.
This is a 17% alcohol cocktail.
Signature signature moves ♪
Here you go,
it's got alcohol in it.
ANNE:
She loves signature moves ♪
She loves
signature moves ♪
What's this?
I want that.
It's alcoholic.
Why don't you have ♪
That's why he left, honestly.
That's why Simon left.
-What?
-That's why he left.
Simon left because
of shit like that.
-Whoa!
-Are you going to
bring Simon up?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
-Hey, Naz.
-Why would you bring that up?
'Cause you just
I gave you a drink and
you just poured it
on the ground like
ANNE: Mmm. someone
bought up Simon.
That's a big no no
with Helen.
FRANK: Oh, no. Seriously
Sam, Sam.
Sorry, Helen.
Hey, Helen.
That was wrong.
Simon!
Helen, you're out
of control, Helen.
Simon!
FRANK: Calm the fuck
down, Helen.
[laughing]
You know, he's like
Come on, go in for
the kill, Helen.
You've got him there.
I'm so, like, um,
anxious at the moment.
Yeah, what do you
feel like you need?
Um, I want you
to lie here.
Um
Like, on there.
Make you feel better?
Yeah, on my
on here.
Like a pillow.
My thighs are a pillow.
I'm, just having a moment
and I just
Do you want Frank
to lie down?
No, I want Nazeem here.
ANNE: I was going
after Sam with Helen.
But the only one I thought
maybe I could tickle was Naz.
So I think you need to
nurture Nazeem.
You need to feed him.
Feed him.
I mean emotionally, you need
to be nourished emotionally,
and possibly in other ways.
You need to be nourished.
She can get him.
She's gonna get him.
I was a model.
SAM: I can feel that.
I can feel that
by your vibe.
Originally, yeah.
Turn right up.
It's okay.
I was originally a model.
What kind of model?
I was, um bikinis.
Was that recently?
Um, recently, okay?
Okay, originally.
All right, all right.
[laughing]
[beeping]
Oh, oh.
He just pulled his poo
out and he's eating it.
Oh, no!
I mean the poo
and dick jokes.
FRANK: Aren't they great?
-No.
-No, they're primal.
Grow up.
I think they're great.
Oh!
Oh, gosh, I cannot watch.
Oh, no.
It's a celebration!
Fuck yeah, fuck yeah.
Celebrate good times ♪
-Bidou!
-How come?
-For the winner!
-Pop the cork!
Oh, I'm gonna
hang on.
I'm gonna get this out.
[moaning]
Hang on.
Pop goes the front
bum weasel.
[moaning]
Round and round the
Here we go.
SAM: Oh, God. No!
I'm having trouble.
I'm having so much trouble.
Oh, God, Nazeem,
you need to help.
Nazeem, you're
a big strong man.
Hang on, hang on.
[moans]
Oh!
It's a celebration.
I think Anne looks hot
as this character.
Yeah, she's totally hot.
She's sexual.
Um
Fuck.
Helen, as well as
doing bikini stuff,
have you done catwalk modeling?
Yeah. I can do some
if you want.
Can you teach me?
Can you give me a lesson
in catwalk modeling?
Yeah, so, it's basically
a criss-cross effect.
Here she comes.
[imitates bass guitar]
Ooh, criss-cross.
It's in the criss-cross.
-Bali 2020.
-All about the criss-cross.
Yeah.
Oh, that's good, can
I have a go at that?
Yeah, fine.
Helen, could you give me
some sort of feedback?
Uh, about your career?
[chuckles]
Where's Lano?
-[phone rings]
-I fucked him once.
I did too.
He was great.
He was, he was
Hello.
Hi, can you put Anne
on the phone for me please?
Yeah.
Simon?
Job well done, zombie.
Um, just give it
a final 60 seconds,
anything you can do.
And then, you know,
leave on a high.
Mm-kay. Bye, Rebel.
Whatever your name is.
ANNE:
Rebel called it.
Rebel called Helen and said
you can't help those people.
You need to get out.
You don't know
anything about me.
Yeah, right. Share.
-I don't know.
-Fair point.
You don't know where I come
from or who I am.
And you never will.
SAM: Sorry.
This whole industry
looks down on me.
-I know.
-No, you're doing good.
I know what people
say behind my back.
I think most of the
industry looks down on you.
And I can't
I've done everything I can!
So you know what?
Take it, take it all.
SAM:
Far out, man!
'Cause I don't need this!
Fuck you!
Anne, the way you
did that was quite safe.
Okay?
[laughs]
I want you to
think about that.
-Yeah.
-That was quite safe.
This is a hard bottle, isn't it?
But you threw it into the
pool so it was quite safe
[screams]
She's gone again.
Nazeem, you need to suckle!
You need to suckle her.
-Suckle!
-She needs to suckle you.
Do you want me to
Can I do anything?
Leave me alone.
Jesus, what was that?
-FRANK: Bye, Helen.
-SAM: Bye, Helen.
-[screams]
-Hey!
-Woo hoo!
-Go, Anne.
Good work, Eddo.
She worked her ass off.
I'm gonna be honest,
she's a bit crazy.
She needs to go get like
some treatment or something.
That was mental.
That's the most stable
I've ever seen her.
Huh, no she's got
problems, seriously.
Like narcissism.
She's an alcoholic.
She went to go
see a mental health professional
but she was like why did
I go to a health professional
if they were mental.
Do you like doing popoffs?
I have no idea
what a popoff is.
Popoffs when you bloody do
a little secret little fart.
You do them in Russia.
You do secret little farts
Hello, hello,
my name is Popov.
You've been to
Russia, Samuel?
I from Russia, you fuck.
He's from Russia! Oh!
-Mwa! Mwa!
-Mwa! Mwa!
[speaking fake Russian]
You no Russia?
I'm from Russia.
I'm clearly Russian.
-So, you know I'm in Russia.
-Yeah.
I'm am see this what you call
this lady gives sex for money.
Putin?
Putin.
Yes, for doing that stuff.
[beeping]
-Yes, mate!
-Yes!
You can't break them
at this point.
The Zombie returns.
Eddo, they're dead.
They're dead
-They're dead.
-inside.
This could go on
for another ten hours.
Good try, Annie.
Good try.
Kangaroo impression.
Sam, quick.
For me you do
the ears for me.
Kangaroo impression.
Yeah, all right.
Like a sexy guy.
And you have to go
you have to lick your arms.
They always like lick 'em
No, you're my ears.
You're the fucking ears,
what are you doing?
Ears can look around.
Oh, that's exactly it.
That's it.
And you've got massive balls.
Kangaroo.
Get me some
massive balls, quick.
SAM: That's it, that
is a kangaroo.
-That is a kangaroo.
-There we go.
Ah, that's a good look.
Looks like a kangaroo.
Now lick that for,
that's how you cool
down your blood.
Because
Here we go.
Your wrists are close to
your blood in your skin.
If nothing else,
not funny, but I think
we all came together there
and collaborated
on something.
NAZEEM:
What's another animal?
This is a chimpanzee
impersonating a meerkat.
Okay, here we go.
[chimp noises]
That's a chimpanzee
impersonating a meerkat.
Frank's still
really trying.
Yeah, Frank and Simmons,
I reckon
You know what I love
about the ape thing?
The walk, the way
they walk.
SAM: Oh, they're great,
they're great.
That business.
SAM: Frank was a really
fierce competitor.
'Cause he was always there.
People who go to
the Melbourne cup,
are they racist?
Uh
See what I'm doing there?
He once explained to me
his philosophy on comedy
is holding up a banana in
front of a whole lot of monkeys,
so the audience are monkeys,
you show them the banana,
they go, "Ooh."
And then you pull out
a mango, they go, "Ooh!"
Hey, guys, what do you think
I keep in this?
SAM: I don't know,
a bloody
A banjo. Come on, buddy.
Look, we've done
those jokes.
His zen-like philosophy on
what comedy is is dangerous.
It was very
difficult to stay at
the same level
as Frank and Sam.
Two incredibly
funny people,
and me I'm funny.
But these guys
were just next level.
What is going
what are we doing here?
What's Naz done to him
He's put bloody powder on
his face like a crazy man.
What have you done?
That looks great, though.
Last ditch attempt.
FRANK: I think it must have
been hard for Nazeem
because Sam was just
a monster, he's a freak.
Hey! I'm with you as well.
Why not?
Let's just get into it!
[screaming]
-Woo!
-[screaming]
Oh, no.
What has Sam got left?
-Like, what happens
You know what I mean?
-This is tough.
What happens now?
I think Sam Simmons might
have a scattergun approach
where he just keeps throwing
in lots of little things.
Fuck it, I'm eating
a whole egg.
I'm eating the whole egg,
shell and all.
There is a thing
that can happen with
absurdist comedians which is
an individual joke
might not be as funny,
but they're accumulative.
[grunts]
Each one adds to the kind
of overall experience.
So you'll see people
in the audience,
they'll be going,
"This is just stupid.
The way he's just"
But eventually, he cracks him.
Whoa.
Wow.
Man, give him the fucking money!
Sam, goes
Oh, God.
I feel like we've got
two on the attack
and one who's been
a bit weaker.
[alarm blares]
Somebody else
coming in?
It's the rules of the game.
See you, Reb.
Must be that's the
end of the six hours.
No, it's not, I think
there's half an hour to go.
FRANK:
Good work, gentlemen.
You just, like,
couldn't be more impressed
with just the commitment to
keeping on keeping on.
Yeah, yeah, totally.
How much enthusiasm
will we show
when Rebel comes in,
will we just go like
-Gentlemen!
-Yay, Rebel!
What's going on?
-It's great to see you.
-It's great to see you.
Although I've been
seeing a lot of you
for a while now.
Now, this game is tricky.
It is complicated.
And at this point, I have
to make some tough calls.
Throughout the game,
there have been some people
on the attack,
and maybe one player that
might have got pacified
by our zombie a bit
and just overall
throughout the whole game
not being as active
as what they could have been.
So, unfortunately,
it's a red card for you, Naz.
Seems like you've been
pretty active to me.
-Thank you very much.
-Say goodbye to the other two.
Well done, Naz.
Thank you, Naz.
Now, for you two
We've got half
an hour to go.
Right, okay.
Good luck.
Stay on the attack.
NAZEEM: I thought
I'd be first out.
I thought I'd be out
in ten minutes.
But lasting six hours,
blows my mind.
Ugh, tough call, guys.
Tough one, Rebel.
But my club, it's my rules.
It is.
I don't know if I can continue
doing comedy now
now that I've forgotten
how to laugh.
Naz unfortunately
wasn't as active as
the other two..
So now it's going to be
Frank and Sam head to head.
SAM: I'm gong to make
this happen.
I'm going to make
Frank laugh.
REBEL: Next time
Help!
We're coming home.
We're coming home now.
And then there were two.
It feels like someone
trying to clobber you
over the head
with silliness.
Ah!
It's going to take a
long time to wipe that
from my memory.
[shouts]
With $100,000 on the line.
Everything looks
like a penis!
There was madness going on
and there was desperation.
One of them
I just had to dig deep.
I'm gonna make this happen.
will be
-Don't fuck with me.
-Don't fuck with me, mate.
They're like two
drunk uncles.
the last one laughing.
Oh my God, who is going to win?
Get in there and
comfort me.
How can you compete
with that?
Unfortunately, someone
is about to be eliminated
Let's look at
the replay screen.
I think I'm starting
to lose it a bit.
Dilruk
You're red carded.
Champion.
Great job, brother.
See you, buddy.
But guys, this is actually
a double elimination.
What?
Oh, hear that, Sam?
-Yeah.
-Oh, shit.
It's a double elimination.
See ya.
Now, I have warned several
times about passive play.
And for the last
one hour and 12 minutes,
this player was
a bit too passive.
Let's have a look
at the monitor.
Walking away,
avoiding the situations,
and not being on the attack.
Ed Kavalee, I'm sorry.
But you have been
eliminated.
Good luck. everybody.
Ed.
Okay, say your goodbyes.
Magnificent.
You were my pick.
Take your sauce
stained shirt
and go off into
the wilderness.
-SAM: Into the night.
-Frank: Into the night.
Good on ya, Ed.
Good on ya, Dil.
Godspeed, gents.
DIL: I think I was really
starting to lose my mind,
towards the end there just
trying to, like, vomit and fart
and burp, and I just
was like desperate.
So I don't know if
I played a good game,
but I will say I played
a better game
than I thought I was
going to play,
which is not saying much.
Double elimination!
Rebel!
-Rebel!
-Jeez.
Living up to
the name, Rebel.
It's both intense and
it's kind of it's ridiculous.
Yeah, you feel like you've
been there for a month.
Oh, no.
FRANK: Wow.
Well, this is certainly
unexpected.
-Wow.
-A double.
I'll start the game.
♪[trumpet plays]
Okay, we're off and running.
[beeping]
Did you want to do
the cat thing again?
What's the cat thing?
Where you were a cat but
this time I'm a cat as well.
Me, Sam and Frank,
three men standing.
You guys be cats
and I'll watch you.
-All right.
-I'll give you my attention
while I drink a cup of tea.
All right.
And if I go like this
[spits]
Then I'm out of here.
I don't feel
I have been much of a
big player as
the other two,
but if they both
laugh, then I win.
All right.
[meows]
Frank, have a good look.
Look at my cat.
Oh, wow it's his
little cat junk.
[meowing]
[hissing]
I don't think cats
just do that, Naz.
I don't know whether you've
been around a cat before.
-Cats sniffing
-Do they rub?
Cats sniff each
other's assholes, Naz.
NAZEEM: Very close to him
Nazzy, get in there!
Get in there!
And he smelled like
rubber penises.
Nazeem, what is
going down there?
Why is your pants
did you shit yourself, Nazeem?
What's going on?
That's very cat like, the
just annoying people with
[Sam ululates]
All right, let's
we got to get in there.
NAZEEM: This is
my last big play.
Sam thinks that he's
crazier than everybody else.
[singing]
Let's call it my haka,
but it's a, uh
I'm trying to give
the cat my attention
and you my attention.
NAZEEM: So if you
meet him at his level,
suddenly he becomes
vulnerable,
and then he doesn't
know what to do.
Nazeem's like, goddamn,
just where's your
dignity, Nazeem?
Nazeem, where the fuck
is your dignity, mate?
What are you doing?
SAM: I know by this stage
that my cock's been everywhere.
And there's no dignity with me,
but I was like,
where's your dignity, mate?
I thought we all had to
check our dignity at the door.
No, dignity's fucked off
in Nazeem.
[burps]
Oh, that was a weird one.
[beeping]
Anne, I want to
ask you something.
Yes?
Would you be willing to
go back in as a zombie?
So you can't win
the game, obviously.
-Yeah.
-But would you be willing
to go back in
and try to knock
somebody out?
-Should I, guys?
-Yes, Anne!
Yeah.
Should Anne get
resurrected?
Yes!
And can I do anything,
can I laugh?
Yeah, you can laugh.
That will break them.
Have a full Eddo.
Bidou?
You do, you've got
to do Bidou.
Bidou.
ANNE: Helen Bidou,
another one of my characters
who's crazy,
Helen Bidou is
mentally unhinged
and one of the funniest
creations ever.
-Yeah, okay.
-Yeah, okay.
And, um, I'm gonna
warn the players
that a zombie
will be appearing.
Okay.
Go, Anne.
Target whoever
you like.
Strategically I should
start working away
at the top dogs.
Like Sam.
I'm gonna
He doesn't wanna
kiss me, oh no.
He doesn't wanna
kiss me, oh no.
He doesn't wanna
Okay, the cat's angry.
[rings]
Hello?
REBEL: Hey, it's Rebel.
Hey, Rebel.
Guys, good news,
potentially,
or bad news potentially.
A zombie is going to
enter the game.
A zombie's coming, guys.
Your zombie cannot
win the game,
I just want to be clear.
But the zombie can knock
any of you guys out.
Zombie attack coming in,
that freaked the shit out of me.
We won't tell you who
Because these are comedians
who have been kicked out
who have an axe to grind,
and there are no rules
controlling what they can do.
So they can be a little
bit less worried about
not laughing.
Zombies coming when
you least expect it.
-Good luck, Naz.
-Thanks, Rebel.
If anyone survives this,
they are dead inside.
Hey, guys, guess what you
can look forward to
after the zombies
if I survive it:
I'm gonna olive oil
the fuck out of myself
and just writhe around
in that pool,
whilst bloody
Nazeem hopefully laughs.
How do we make
Nazeem laugh?
Huh? You joyless fuck!
You joyless fuck.
-I've no enjoyment,
I've run out of it.
-You joyless fuck.
I've got to make
Nazeem laugh.
Fucking make me
laugh then, Sam.
SAM: I'm trying the best I can.
Well, just come here
and do it.
I'm gonna do something
in a minute.
Like, don't do aggressive stuff.
I can't deal with aggressive.
Oh my God, look at this.
[applause]
There he is.
You've been eating food?
How do you feel?
My brain is just fried.
Yeah.
Simmons has like
lost his mind today.
He's gonna need
the money for therapy.
Nana gives you
the best head jobs ♪
Nana gives you
the best head jobs ♪
Suck, Nana, Nana,
Suck, Nana, Nana, ♪
Suck my cock, Nana ♪
Oh, geez, what
am I doing?
This is only because
you're dressed like a Nana.
Whose Nana?
Hey, there, Nana,
you got no teeth ♪
You can satisfy me
sexually ♪
Nana sucks everybody's cock ♪
Nana
Nana ♪
FRANK: There was a point
where me and Sam,
just naturally just
kind of turned on Nazeem.
They call it gravy
because that's what ♪
Paul Kelly says, ♪
you've got to make gravy
with your Nana ♪
You're making gravy
with your Nana! ♪
SAM: Which is a euphemism
for having sex with
your Nana
But we mean that,
just to make clear,
in the most respectful
way you could to your grandma.
FRANK: It's such a horrible
thing to do
in the real world.
But strategically
in a game like this.
of course it's perfectly
acceptable.
Have you ever had
a Nana wank?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
-What's that?
That's where you
wank off a Nana.
No, no, no, no,
it's a thought of a Nana
and a secret wank
thinking of a Nana.
Yeah, it's really offensive.
It wasn't my Nana.
-Yeah, right.
-It was just a Nana.
They've gone insane.
They have gone insane.
Yeah, it's
a Mexican standoff.
Both my Nanas were quit small,
right they were
very slim build,
and we used to have
this act,
did you see the Nana
Gloves act, Sam?
I don't know there was
a Nana Gloves act. Is that
It was a great act because
both my Nanas were quite small
and I would kind of
fist both my Nanas.
Oh, for God's sake.
And then I could
lift them up.
I was much stronger.
It's called the Nana gloves.
[laughing]
Oh my God.
But it was great
did you ever see that act?
-NAZEEM: Both your Nanas?
-It was very highly, um
Sounds like a gym routine.
That sounds like a P
would go, ten reps.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, that was part of the
thing, how many lifts can I do?
With my Nana Gloves,
you know?
They loved it.
It was their idea.
They ganged up on me
and made me do it.
[beeping]
All right, let's get
to some dancing or something.
Let's do some dancing.
Let's do the dancing.
We're on for the dancing.
Let's get in there.
Let's fucking just
let it out.
[vocalizing]
Yeah, fuck yeah.
Let's get into it,
guys, come on, man.
Nothing weird.
Nothing weird,
just get into it.
Has he shat himself?
No.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Shake, shake, shake.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[gasps]
Did he?
-Oh.
-Oh my God.
Is it a joke?
-I think he has.
-It's gotta be.
Oh, he has a little
Please tell me
he shit himself.
No, he hasn't.
DILRUK: No, I think
he put something there.
I'm pretty sure
he put something.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
ANNE:
The job of the zombie is
to really get in there
and stick the last knife in
and really
give it a turn.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Hi!
It's Bidou!
[cheering]
Oh!
[screams]
Good. Good enthusiasm.
-That's what we want.
-[Anne laughing]
Well, well, well,
if it isn't Bidou.
Bidou, Bidou,
how do you do?
Well, look what
the cat dragged in.
Which cat?
We were both cats.
Here it is, all the famous
comedians in Australia,
and I'm not invited.
Well, I'm here now, boys.
And there's going to
be a few changes.
-Yeah?
-Yeah?
Okay.
I mean, put some
pants on.
All right, fair enough.
You're disgusting!
You people disgust me.
Nazeem.
That's pronounce it
Nazeem.
Helen.
-Multi-thumbs up.
-Frank.
A bit more action
with the thumbs up
giving you the
thumbs up with my little squid.
Oh, Sam.
Career low-light?
[laughing]
Woo-hoo-hoo!
Oh, Helen Bidou.
She's the life
of the party.
It's a party ♪
And I am Helen ♪
And you are no-ones ♪
So don't get me wrong ♪
Wouldn't get you
wrong, huh?
Don't get me wrong ♪
Don't get me wrong
Don't get me wrong ♪
Don't get me wrong ♪
Nazeem!
Don't get me wrong ♪
Don't get me wrong ♪
Don't get me wrong ♪
-Don't get me wrong ♪
-Yeah!
Look at how
I can laugh freely.
Free laugher.
Yeah, but you're not
really laughing now
because you're so tired,
aren't you?
Anne's really
stirring it up.
[laughs]
NAZEEM:
I think if someone laughed in
my face for a period of time,
you have to laugh.
It's like someone yawning.
You're going to yawn.
If someone laughs at you,
you're gonna laugh.
Always worried that that's
what was gonna happen.
[laughing]
Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
She's unhinged.
She's funny.
She shouldn't
be drinking.
-[laughs]
-That's funny.
Woo!
Come on.
Come on, Eddo.
-Helen, Helen.
-I'm not Eddo.
Helen, give us that.
Give us that.
It's no Eddo, man.
Get with it, it's Helen.
Come on, come on.
I'll get you another one.
-I'll get you another one.
-Let her bloody do
what she needs to do.
Helen Bidet do
what Helen Bidet
needs to do.
It's a cocktail.
This is a 17% alcohol cocktail.
Signature signature moves ♪
Here you go,
it's got alcohol in it.
ANNE:
She loves signature moves ♪
She loves
signature moves ♪
What's this?
I want that.
It's alcoholic.
Why don't you have ♪
That's why he left, honestly.
That's why Simon left.
-What?
-That's why he left.
Simon left because
of shit like that.
-Whoa!
-Are you going to
bring Simon up?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
-Hey, Naz.
-Why would you bring that up?
'Cause you just
I gave you a drink and
you just poured it
on the ground like
ANNE: Mmm. someone
bought up Simon.
That's a big no no
with Helen.
FRANK: Oh, no. Seriously
Sam, Sam.
Sorry, Helen.
Hey, Helen.
That was wrong.
Simon!
Helen, you're out
of control, Helen.
Simon!
FRANK: Calm the fuck
down, Helen.
[laughing]
You know, he's like
Come on, go in for
the kill, Helen.
You've got him there.
I'm so, like, um,
anxious at the moment.
Yeah, what do you
feel like you need?
Um, I want you
to lie here.
Um
Like, on there.
Make you feel better?
Yeah, on my
on here.
Like a pillow.
My thighs are a pillow.
I'm, just having a moment
and I just
Do you want Frank
to lie down?
No, I want Nazeem here.
ANNE: I was going
after Sam with Helen.
But the only one I thought
maybe I could tickle was Naz.
So I think you need to
nurture Nazeem.
You need to feed him.
Feed him.
I mean emotionally, you need
to be nourished emotionally,
and possibly in other ways.
You need to be nourished.
She can get him.
She's gonna get him.
I was a model.
SAM: I can feel that.
I can feel that
by your vibe.
Originally, yeah.
Turn right up.
It's okay.
I was originally a model.
What kind of model?
I was, um bikinis.
Was that recently?
Um, recently, okay?
Okay, originally.
All right, all right.
[laughing]
[beeping]
Oh, oh.
He just pulled his poo
out and he's eating it.
Oh, no!
I mean the poo
and dick jokes.
FRANK: Aren't they great?
-No.
-No, they're primal.
Grow up.
I think they're great.
Oh!
Oh, gosh, I cannot watch.
Oh, no.
It's a celebration!
Fuck yeah, fuck yeah.
Celebrate good times ♪
-Bidou!
-How come?
-For the winner!
-Pop the cork!
Oh, I'm gonna
hang on.
I'm gonna get this out.
[moaning]
Hang on.
Pop goes the front
bum weasel.
[moaning]
Round and round the
Here we go.
SAM: Oh, God. No!
I'm having trouble.
I'm having so much trouble.
Oh, God, Nazeem,
you need to help.
Nazeem, you're
a big strong man.
Hang on, hang on.
[moans]
Oh!
It's a celebration.
I think Anne looks hot
as this character.
Yeah, she's totally hot.
She's sexual.
Um
Fuck.
Helen, as well as
doing bikini stuff,
have you done catwalk modeling?
Yeah. I can do some
if you want.
Can you teach me?
Can you give me a lesson
in catwalk modeling?
Yeah, so, it's basically
a criss-cross effect.
Here she comes.
[imitates bass guitar]
Ooh, criss-cross.
It's in the criss-cross.
-Bali 2020.
-All about the criss-cross.
Yeah.
Oh, that's good, can
I have a go at that?
Yeah, fine.
Helen, could you give me
some sort of feedback?
Uh, about your career?
[chuckles]
Where's Lano?
-[phone rings]
-I fucked him once.
I did too.
He was great.
He was, he was
Hello.
Hi, can you put Anne
on the phone for me please?
Yeah.
Simon?
Job well done, zombie.
Um, just give it
a final 60 seconds,
anything you can do.
And then, you know,
leave on a high.
Mm-kay. Bye, Rebel.
Whatever your name is.
ANNE:
Rebel called it.
Rebel called Helen and said
you can't help those people.
You need to get out.
You don't know
anything about me.
Yeah, right. Share.
-I don't know.
-Fair point.
You don't know where I come
from or who I am.
And you never will.
SAM: Sorry.
This whole industry
looks down on me.
-I know.
-No, you're doing good.
I know what people
say behind my back.
I think most of the
industry looks down on you.
And I can't
I've done everything I can!
So you know what?
Take it, take it all.
SAM:
Far out, man!
'Cause I don't need this!
Fuck you!
Anne, the way you
did that was quite safe.
Okay?
[laughs]
I want you to
think about that.
-Yeah.
-That was quite safe.
This is a hard bottle, isn't it?
But you threw it into the
pool so it was quite safe
[screams]
She's gone again.
Nazeem, you need to suckle!
You need to suckle her.
-Suckle!
-She needs to suckle you.
Do you want me to
Can I do anything?
Leave me alone.
Jesus, what was that?
-FRANK: Bye, Helen.
-SAM: Bye, Helen.
-[screams]
-Hey!
-Woo hoo!
-Go, Anne.
Good work, Eddo.
She worked her ass off.
I'm gonna be honest,
she's a bit crazy.
She needs to go get like
some treatment or something.
That was mental.
That's the most stable
I've ever seen her.
Huh, no she's got
problems, seriously.
Like narcissism.
She's an alcoholic.
She went to go
see a mental health professional
but she was like why did
I go to a health professional
if they were mental.
Do you like doing popoffs?
I have no idea
what a popoff is.
Popoffs when you bloody do
a little secret little fart.
You do them in Russia.
You do secret little farts
Hello, hello,
my name is Popov.
You've been to
Russia, Samuel?
I from Russia, you fuck.
He's from Russia! Oh!
-Mwa! Mwa!
-Mwa! Mwa!
[speaking fake Russian]
You no Russia?
I'm from Russia.
I'm clearly Russian.
-So, you know I'm in Russia.
-Yeah.
I'm am see this what you call
this lady gives sex for money.
Putin?
Putin.
Yes, for doing that stuff.
[beeping]
-Yes, mate!
-Yes!
You can't break them
at this point.
The Zombie returns.
Eddo, they're dead.
They're dead
-They're dead.
-inside.
This could go on
for another ten hours.
Good try, Annie.
Good try.
Kangaroo impression.
Sam, quick.
For me you do
the ears for me.
Kangaroo impression.
Yeah, all right.
Like a sexy guy.
And you have to go
you have to lick your arms.
They always like lick 'em
No, you're my ears.
You're the fucking ears,
what are you doing?
Ears can look around.
Oh, that's exactly it.
That's it.
And you've got massive balls.
Kangaroo.
Get me some
massive balls, quick.
SAM: That's it, that
is a kangaroo.
-That is a kangaroo.
-There we go.
Ah, that's a good look.
Looks like a kangaroo.
Now lick that for,
that's how you cool
down your blood.
Because
Here we go.
Your wrists are close to
your blood in your skin.
If nothing else,
not funny, but I think
we all came together there
and collaborated
on something.
NAZEEM:
What's another animal?
This is a chimpanzee
impersonating a meerkat.
Okay, here we go.
[chimp noises]
That's a chimpanzee
impersonating a meerkat.
Frank's still
really trying.
Yeah, Frank and Simmons,
I reckon
You know what I love
about the ape thing?
The walk, the way
they walk.
SAM: Oh, they're great,
they're great.
That business.
SAM: Frank was a really
fierce competitor.
'Cause he was always there.
People who go to
the Melbourne cup,
are they racist?
Uh
See what I'm doing there?
He once explained to me
his philosophy on comedy
is holding up a banana in
front of a whole lot of monkeys,
so the audience are monkeys,
you show them the banana,
they go, "Ooh."
And then you pull out
a mango, they go, "Ooh!"
Hey, guys, what do you think
I keep in this?
SAM: I don't know,
a bloody
A banjo. Come on, buddy.
Look, we've done
those jokes.
His zen-like philosophy on
what comedy is is dangerous.
It was very
difficult to stay at
the same level
as Frank and Sam.
Two incredibly
funny people,
and me I'm funny.
But these guys
were just next level.
What is going
what are we doing here?
What's Naz done to him
He's put bloody powder on
his face like a crazy man.
What have you done?
That looks great, though.
Last ditch attempt.
FRANK: I think it must have
been hard for Nazeem
because Sam was just
a monster, he's a freak.
Hey! I'm with you as well.
Why not?
Let's just get into it!
[screaming]
-Woo!
-[screaming]
Oh, no.
What has Sam got left?
-Like, what happens
You know what I mean?
-This is tough.
What happens now?
I think Sam Simmons might
have a scattergun approach
where he just keeps throwing
in lots of little things.
Fuck it, I'm eating
a whole egg.
I'm eating the whole egg,
shell and all.
There is a thing
that can happen with
absurdist comedians which is
an individual joke
might not be as funny,
but they're accumulative.
[grunts]
Each one adds to the kind
of overall experience.
So you'll see people
in the audience,
they'll be going,
"This is just stupid.
The way he's just"
But eventually, he cracks him.
Whoa.
Wow.
Man, give him the fucking money!
Sam, goes
Oh, God.
I feel like we've got
two on the attack
and one who's been
a bit weaker.
[alarm blares]
Somebody else
coming in?
It's the rules of the game.
See you, Reb.
Must be that's the
end of the six hours.
No, it's not, I think
there's half an hour to go.
FRANK:
Good work, gentlemen.
You just, like,
couldn't be more impressed
with just the commitment to
keeping on keeping on.
Yeah, yeah, totally.
How much enthusiasm
will we show
when Rebel comes in,
will we just go like
-Gentlemen!
-Yay, Rebel!
What's going on?
-It's great to see you.
-It's great to see you.
Although I've been
seeing a lot of you
for a while now.
Now, this game is tricky.
It is complicated.
And at this point, I have
to make some tough calls.
Throughout the game,
there have been some people
on the attack,
and maybe one player that
might have got pacified
by our zombie a bit
and just overall
throughout the whole game
not being as active
as what they could have been.
So, unfortunately,
it's a red card for you, Naz.
Seems like you've been
pretty active to me.
-Thank you very much.
-Say goodbye to the other two.
Well done, Naz.
Thank you, Naz.
Now, for you two
We've got half
an hour to go.
Right, okay.
Good luck.
Stay on the attack.
NAZEEM: I thought
I'd be first out.
I thought I'd be out
in ten minutes.
But lasting six hours,
blows my mind.
Ugh, tough call, guys.
Tough one, Rebel.
But my club, it's my rules.
It is.
I don't know if I can continue
doing comedy now
now that I've forgotten
how to laugh.
Naz unfortunately
wasn't as active as
the other two..
So now it's going to be
Frank and Sam head to head.
SAM: I'm gong to make
this happen.
I'm going to make
Frank laugh.
REBEL: Next time
Help!
We're coming home.
We're coming home now.
And then there were two.
It feels like someone
trying to clobber you
over the head
with silliness.
Ah!
It's going to take a
long time to wipe that
from my memory.
[shouts]
With $100,000 on the line.
Everything looks
like a penis!
There was madness going on
and there was desperation.
One of them
I just had to dig deep.
I'm gonna make this happen.
will be
-Don't fuck with me.
-Don't fuck with me, mate.
They're like two
drunk uncles.
the last one laughing.
Oh my God, who is going to win?
Get in there and
comfort me.
How can you compete
with that?