Lovejoy (1986) s01e05 Episode Script

(Man) Who'll start me at 100? Who'll give me 10, who'll make it 110? I'm looking for 110.
Who'll make it 20? Come on, gentlemen, who'll make it 20? Do I hear 50? 150 anywhere? Come on, gentlemen, that's a genuine antique.
They don't come up every day.
150? Come on, gentlemen, I'm looking for 350.
Don't lose it, madam, don't lose it for another 50.
At 350.
Who'll make it four? I'm looking for four.
Any more? At 350.
Are you all done? At 350? At 350 Lovejoy.
My shot, I believe, Lovejoy, as I won the toss.
Do your worst, sir.
(Both laughing) Oh, beautiful, Michael.
(Michael) The French and the Spanish made some superb examples, but the ultimate in exquisite, murderous precision comes from the dear old peace-loving Brits.
Mint, cased, flintlock duelers.
- Yes.
- Manton? Yes.
You know as much about these things as I do.
No, nobody knows as much about flinters as you do, Michael.
What's the game, Lovejoy? Some fellow in Cambridge, he wants a pair of flinters traced.
I said I'd see him tomorrow.
Well, of course, if you turn up anything interesting you'll come to me first? (Lovejoy) Oh, I see, I see.
What are you two getting up to? Is this fair on me or your husband? I'm making money.
An activity of which you heartily approve.
Jane's tarting up one of the cottages for me.
I want to lease it next summer.
Speaking of which, let me see if I can find you some wellies and we'll walk over there.
- Good to see you, Lovejoy.
- Thank you, Michael.
- What are you up to? - I'm doing some homework.
- Oh? - Fancy a jaunt to Cambridge tomorrow? Check out the dreaming spires.
Or is that Oxford? - Being a redbrick man, I always forget.
- (Chuckles) All right, might be fun.
I could do some buying.
Great.
OK, see you, then.
I suppose it was just chance that Jane was doing up a cottage while I was chasing flinters.
I should have seen the trouble coming.
Who is this person you're going to see? His name is Ronald Field.
Tinker was in a bar after an auction last week, overheard some fellow asking about dealers, so nipped in, plugged me.
"Best in the business, brilliant but cheap," et cetera, et cetera.
And he wants you to trace flintlocks.
Don't know what the story is.
It's all because of something that happened.
(Ronald) We're not sure exactly what happened.
But we do know my brother was killed for those pistols.
Whoever has them is the murderer.
- Was he killed by the guns? - The forensic people assume so.
He was shot in the eye at close range.
- (Bicycle bell) - Course, without the guns, they can't be 100%.
What makes you so certain that the guns were the only things the killer was after? They were the only things missing.
Muriel, that's my sister-in-law, took an inventory.
She's positive nothing else was stolen.
(Lovejoy) Do you know if they were very valuable? I imagine they were.
I must admit, I'm not terribly versed in antiques.
Except first editions.
However, the last time I spoke to James, he was in a highly excitable state about a pair of flintlocks he'd acquired, said they were made by someone called Durrs.
Durrs? That makes them valuable.
James referred to them as the Judas Pair.
Oh, Mr.
Field, the Judas Pair does not exist.
In the antique trade, they're known as a myth, a legend.
There's no such guns.
They do exist, and my brother was killed for them.
(Lovejoy) Oh, Durrs was a genius.
He came to London in 1770-something to make his fortune, which he did by inventing a very lethal air gun.
He then proceeded to lose it all by making a flying machine called the Flying Dolphin.
Kept it in a hangar in Knightsbridge.
- And his dueling pistols? - Well, the story is, he made only 12 pairs.
The legend is that he made a 13th pair and something terrible happened.
- No! What? - Nobody knows.
He supposedly made the last pair and they were never heard of or found.
Well, any antique dealer, if you ask him about the Judas Pair, he'd die laughing.
I thought all this was supposed to be celebrating a commission to find them.
Well, isn't that dishonest, if they don't exist? No.
Not that I'm against a little dishonesty, it's just that I told Ronald Field I'd check out all the existing Durrs and hopefully find the killer.
Isn't that what the police are supposed to be doing? Janey, we're talking about antiques.
It takes someone like me to track them down.
OK, can I help on this one? - Absolutely.
In fact, you can start now.
- Great.
How? Well, Field's advance was a check.
So? Would you pay for the punt? We have to assume we are looking for mint, cased Durrs, so Tinker's getting down most of the dealers, and you, Eric, are gonna check out any sales or moves in Durrs.
That's why I want you to go through all those catalogs.
What a totally boring job.
Investigative research, young man, is vital intelligence.
- We would be better off with a computer.
- A computer? You're talking to somebody who comes from a generation of multiplication and long division.
Yes, a generation that despises decimalization and the metric system, and desperately misses sweets in jars.
All right, all right.
I'd still prefer to be doing something more exciting, like following people.
Could we have a little milk? Please? (Police radio chatter) - Is this Muriel Field's house? - It is.
And who's asking? Lovejoy.
And you? Detective Superintendent Paris.
Super.
Must be serious.
- Is Mrs.
Field OK? - Yeah.
Cleaning woman found that the house had been broken into.
There was a murder here recently.
That's why we didn't just send a wally on a moped.
- Lovejoy.
Antique dealer, right? - So? Ah, knew the name.
Pops up on the police computer now and then.
(Paris) Really? Perhaps we'd better go inside, then, sir.
Have a nice cup of tea.
Computers.
(Michael laughing) Michelangelo's Goliath, Napoleon's woodcuts, Excalibur, Prince John's necklace from the Wash, Friar Bacon's perpetual clock.
The antique trade is full of myths.
I would say your Judas Pair are on a par with that lot.
We haven't flipped our lids, Mr.
Seymour, we just want to trace the Durrs that do exist.
Lovejoy figured you might give us a lead considering it was your speciality.
Thought you might know where the 12 pairs were.
Ten.
- Excuse me? - You only have to trace ten pairs.
I have two pairs myself.
I see.
Oh, Tinker.
If by some magical chance that 13th pair should prove not to be a myth, I'd want those too.
Ronald told me who you are.
- He said he trusts you.
- He trusts me? When he offered you money to find the Judas Pair, he said you tried to talk him out of it.
I imagine he considers that makes you honest.
I am on your side, Mrs.
Field.
My cleaner and her daughter are going to help me clear up.
And Ronald's on his way over from Cambridge.
- Was very much stolen? - No.
They were a day late.
My husband's antiques, his valuable pieces, went to the saleroom.
- I was fortunate, I suppose.
- Oh.
The things were scheduled to be picked up today, but as I wanted to stay in London last night - I had last-minute tickets for Covent Garden - I had them come yesterday instead.
That could mean that whoever stole the flinters didn't get everything he wanted and came back.
Did many people know that you were putting James's things into a saleroom? Friends, the solicitors and lots of antique people who've been calling endlessly since the funeral.
I'm sorry I had to be one of them.
So it looks like the thief was after something specific, right? But he was a day late and that something went off to the sale.
- Where? - Gimberts, Thursday.
Well, why don't we ask Charlie Gimbert to let us scan the lot beforehand? Could do.
It'd give him a hint of what we're after.
With his mouth, it'll be all over town in a flash.
Then if the villain we're after doesn't show at the sale, he might come after us.
It would force his hand.
Here, hold on, Lovejoy.
This guy's a desperate killer.
We might be in danger.
He complained his job was too boring.
(Jane) Are we on the trail of flinters? (Lovejoy) We are.
Tinker got an interesting lead.
Fellow in Norfolk exchanged a revolving percussion longarm for a flinter last month.
Sounds like a serious collector, name of La Grange.
La Grange? What a splendid name for a villain.
Don't you think? Ooh, definitely, got a very suspicious ring to it, La Grange.
Oh, you must mean Dr.
La Grange.
He was in quite recently, bought a pistol flash.
Does he live near here? Er, not anymore.
He has a house, er Just let me fetch my invoice book.
(Dog barking) Becky.
(Cockerel crowing) Morning, Doctor.
Good morning.
Can I be of any help? Sorry to intrude, came on the off chance, really.
Really? Yes, I'm sound in wind and limb, so they tell me.
It's about guns.
- Can I offer you something? - Oh, that's very kind of you.
I was in the antique shop in Blakeney.
I was enquiring after a part and the lady told us of your interest in guns.
A part? Yes, I'm trying to complete a set of accessories for a pistol I have in a case, - a pocket Adams revolver.
- Oh, percussion.
Yes, but it's almost mint.
There's a nipple replaced and a trace of repair.
- I'm afraid, er - Lovejoy.
Mr.
Lovejoy, I'm afraid I have no real interest in percussion.
Flinters? As it happens, yes.
I know nothing about flinters.
I'm just after a flash.
A flash more appropriate to percussion, surely.
Sorry, but I can be of no help to you.
Have we met before? I've seen you somewhere.
Yes, you were just leaving Mrs.
Field's as I arrived.
James Field and I were very good friends.
I try to visit Muriel as often as possible to lend solace.
- Yes, I was there.
- Yes, Muriel told me why you were there.
Because of your knowledge of flinters.
Ouch.
Careful.
Morning, Charlie.
- You're a bit previous, aren't you? - First-Look Lovejoy, I'm known as.
Now, look, I did you a favor letting you case that Field stuff, so I don't want you rubbishing it.
Some nice pieces in there.
Nothing I was really looking for.
Had hoped there'd be some flinters.
Oh, yes, I heard that was your new interest in life.
Bit high-price for you, Lovejoy.
At this moment in time, so are ashtrays.
- How was Norfolk? - He was a doctor, would you believe? You got anything new? Of the auctions we've checked, three sets of Durrs have gone, two pairs of holsters - one Durrs, one Joseph of Piccadilly - and a Durrs blunderbuss.
We're working on a couple of private tickles.
The word's out about a bloke from Rutland.
Checked him out.
Retired colonel with an arthritic hip.
Highly unlikely.
- Michael Seymour's here.
- So? Everyone knows that James Field had a pair of grade-A flinters, so Seymour's hoping something else may show up.
He's a collector, right? Only a man with the quirks of a collector would kill for a pair of bloody guns.
Come on.
I'm gonna take photographs of everyone there.
Well, everyone who looks a bit dodgy.
Like at a Mafia funeral.
- Like a what? - The Feds always take secret photographs at Mafia funerals so they know who all the hoodlums are.
I don't think a Polaroid's a terribly secret camera, Eric.
I think one rather needs a longer lens.
- Are these things all in the Field sale? - Hm? What? Yes.
Nothing to get the old pulse racing, though.
This is rather nice.
What is it? That's an apothecary's box.
Nothing very special but they're often worth more than their price.
Family's used them as medicine chests.
- Lovejoy.
- Hello, Michael.
- Jane.
- Hello.
- How's things at the cottage? - Oh, fine.
I'm staying there tonight.
Got some tiles being delivered first thing.
In that case, why don't you come over for dinner? You too, Lovejoy.
OK.
Then you can show us what you bought.
What, here? Oh, just browsing, old son.
Just browsing.
Lovejoy - do you really have much hope for this? - It's worth a shot, Mr.
Field.
We're checking out all the collectors, and you might just see a face, or recognize some someone.
Now, there's Dr.
La Grange, who we know collects flinters.
- Uh-huh.
- And there's Michael Seymour, who's rich, powerful, and has a collector's passion.
- And there's Ronald and Muriel.
- Ronald and Muriel? Perhaps they're just too ordinary to be true.
The people who bought things from the Field sale seemed ordinary too.
- So was most of the stuff.
- I rather liked that apothecary box.
I thought of getting it for the cottage.
Lovejoy! Lovejoy, this is my car! Open up! I've forgotten something! Come on! Open up! - What? - Lovejoy! Something was nagging me.
I couldn't think what, and then you reminded me of the box.
Bless you.
I'd like to know what I'm taking the credit for.
You said the box was full of auctioneer's junk.
It wasn't.
The screwdriver, it was case-hardened.
- It was what? - It means it was old.
Nobody puts a screwdriver in a felt-lined case for a century.
- It was the guns' turnscrew.
- Turnscrew? The vital part that completes the set, the piece the killer still needs.
Well, the box hadn't been sold when we left.
I've got to know if it's still there, and if it is, I have to have it.
- Tomorrow.
- Tomorrow they're closed, and the day after.
Now come on.
There shouldn't be any trouble, but if there is, honk the horn and get the hell out of here.
(Door clunks) All right, miss? (Gasps) (As Bogart) Burn rubber, sweetheart.
(Lovejoy) You see? The peculiar effect? (Jane) Oh.
Like the sheen of petrol on water.
That's what a metallic object acquires if it stays in a case long enough.
That's what we call case-hardened.
That's exactly what I'm becoming, running around with you.
Case-hardened! Oh, it's the dynamic duo.
You got any booze? I think the last tenant left some down here.
Where? What's this? - (Lovejoy) It's a priest hole! - Hopefully with some decent plonk.
Try and find some while I freshen up.
- You're staying here tonight, aren't you? - Might as well.
As we're having dinner at Michael's and I've got to make such an early start.
I guess I should too.
Well, I'll probably drink too much, and I haven't got my car.
- Then we'll get you a taxi.
- That's not what I meant, Janey.
(Coughs) (Vehicle approaching) (# Rock music blaring) - (Groans) - (# Rock music continues, faint) (# Rock music continues) (Volume up) (# Rock music continues) What the bloody hell is that noise? (Music stops) Oh.
Here you are.
Ooh, to gracious living.
Well.
Well, you look desperate.
That's because rich people like Michael Seymour can afford very good claret.
Yeah, well, you must've sank a few to leave the house all open.
I wasn't that legless.
Was I? Hey, somebody's been here.
Why didn't you wake me? Lucy? Hello.
Yes, I'm sorry, I said I'd phone you earlier.
Hang on a minute.
Hello? Is someone there? Lovejoy, is that you? Hello? Lucy? Yes, OK, just let me give you the info and you can make a start on the fabrics.
Someone's really turned the shed over.
Janey.
Bye.
(Screaming) (Siren blaring) - What happened? - She'll be all right.
- What, Janey - She will be all right, I promise.
- What, is she hurt? - Just shock and concussion.
They've taken her to hospital.
But she was lucky.
The driver forgot her signature and came back.
- Probably saved her, I would think.
- Somebody attacked her? Mm.
They didn't get him.
Well, blow me, you get about a bit.
I'd better give my super a bell.
Please come in, sit down.
I'll organize some coffee.
Oh, that would be very welcome, sir.
- And many thanks for the use of your house.
- Not at all.
It's the least one can do under the circumstances.
And I would like to get to the hospital.
Don't get in a lather, Lovejoy.
Your friend, Lady Felsham, was found with a sash cord around her neck.
She wouldn't still be with us if that tile bloke hadn't shown up.
- So? - So we're not here on a trivial matter, are we? I'm sorry, OK, OK, OK.
OK.
She's all right.
So this case will be better served by you and me having a chat rather than you waiting down at the outpatients.
Well, whatever happened to her is connected with James Field's death.
I figured it must be when I saw Lovejoy's face, sir.
Go on, Lovejoy.
Well, the killer stole the flinters but didn't realize there was a piece missing.
That's why he went back to Muriel's.
He did my place last night and came to the cottage today.
Did you have it? Yes.
It's called a turnscrew.
Is this turnscrew all that important? Oh, to a serious collector, yes.
It might be hard for you to understand but he must be in a terrible state.
Imagine, he's got this amazing possession but it's a vital component short.
Well, where is it? - It was at the cottage.
- Is it missing? Yes.
You don't have to see him.
I can tell him you're sleeping.
No, I'd like to.
I'm up to it, really.
You know, a person like Lovejoy spends his entire life courting disaster or flirting with danger.
If you insist on being his friend, this sort of thing is bound to happen.
I'm sorry to be such a worry.
I've never pretended to understand your friendship with Lovejoy but I do know it's important to you both.
I'm sure he feels very badly about what's happened.
Alexander, you're a very good man.
I'll get Mrs.
Cameron to make some tea.
It was open.
- You'll stay for tea, of course.
- Oh, thank you, Alexander.
How are you? I'm fine.
- Sweeties.
- Oh.
I'm sorry, Janey, I shouldn't have left the turnscrew at the cottage.
Who could have known it was there? Anybody.
Look, I made quite a fuss when we got back to the auction rooms.
- Yes.
- Yes, well, there were still plenty of people about, and if anybody was keeping tabs on me, they'd have seen me get in, and then assume that I'd either left the turnscrew at home or at the cottage.
How much have you told the police? I've told them most things.
Filled them in on the background.
What do you mean, most things? I know you, you'll make this a personal vendetta.
This would never have happened if you'd let me stay the night.
I wish I knew what you were up to, Lovejoy.
We're wasting valuable drinking time.
- Get in.
- Ow.
- (Tinker) What is this? - A priest hole.
Killer never found it, nor did the police.
- And the turnscrew's down here? - It is.
(Tinker) Now, wait a minute.
Even in my customary befuddled state, Lovejoy, I remember you saying that you told the coppers that it was missing.
Yes, Tink.
And when tomorrow's papers come out, I hope to God they mention it.
If they don't, the killer will still know I lied.
Yes, but he'll know that he hasn't got it and he'll know that you have.
- That means he'll be coming for you! - Yes.
I'm sorry, Lovejoy, it's over.
I've talked it through with Muriel, and we wish to release you from any further obligation.
- What do you mean, it's over? - It's in police hands.
Please let them handle it.
I've involved you and caused Lady Felsham considerable distress.
- She might have been killed.
- Which has to be answered, - same as your brother.
- By the law, not by ourselves.
- Ronald.
- I must get back to Cambridge.
I'll send you a check for your efforts.
Muriel, I'll come down at the weekend.
I'll see you out, Ronald.
(Chatting, indistinct) (Car door shuts, engine starts) - Is this what you want? - You must realize how confused I am.
I feel so responsible.
I'm not giving up.
There's more to this than my fee.
I don't know if it helps but I know who my husband bought the guns from in the first place.
I had to go through all James's things.
I found a receipt.
So it was La Grange sold him the flinters.
(Lovejoy) Yep.
But, look, if you're lunatic enough to kill for a pair of flinters, you're hardly likely to sell them in the first place.
I reckon we can strike La Grange from our list of suspects.
I don't know, Tink.
I don't know why Ronald Field was so eager to get me off the case.
I mean, when he put me on this case Finish the thought, lad.
It's really irritating when you get mysterious.
Well, what does he really want? His brother's killer or the Judas Pair for himself? The contemplation of that question requires another bevvy, and it's your shout, Lovejoy.
All right.
I'll tell you one thing, mon brave, I'm beginning to believe in the Judas Pair myself.
I just paid lip service to the idea at the start, kept up a blissful pretence.
Now I think they're out there.
(Brakes squeal, wood clattering) Morning, Eric.
Ah.
Morning, Lovejoy.
Has she gone, then? - Has who gone? - I know you had someone here last night.
And the night before.
It's your district nurse.
- Have you been sniffing the furniture restorer? - Course not.
Then what makes you think I've been having sex with a district nurse? District nurses go round on bikes, and the last few mornings I've seen one here.
Still not with you.
Look, I went to see this band in Ipswich - Torn Limb.
Ever heard of them? Amazingly, no.
Well, they're a bit like Def Leppard but without selling out.
Well, anyway, I'm staying at my cousin's, and on the way back I pass this place, and each time I've seen this bike at the end of your lane.
So, I reckon That I've been having passionate sex with a district nurse.
Well, or a midwife.
It was a woman's bike.
I only caught a glimpse, but definitely no crossbar.
You mean you weren't having it away? (Sighs) (Grunts) Are they them? Are they the Judas Pair? They are Mortimers.
I've had them for ages.
Never leave a fingerprint on a mint flinter.
Ruins the browning and precipitates rust.
- What does it do, Eric? - Er, ruins the rust - Ruins the browning and precipitates rust.
- Ruins the browning and precipitates - Ruins the browning and precipitates rust.
- Ruins the browning and precipitates rust.
- You got a light? - What? - A light.
- Er, yeah, sure.
What are you gonna do? Gonna melt some lead and make two round bullets.
When they're cool, you're going to polish them until they're very shiny.
Then I'm going to pop them down the barrels, and all will be lovely.
Lovely for what? Blowing some bastard's brains out.
(Chatter) Hello, Doctor.
Long way from home.
I was called in to see the police again.
I gather you too have been assisting them in their enquiries.
Duty calls.
I gather you've also been pestering Mrs.
Field.
I'd like to think I'm helping her.
What Muriel needs is a chance to forget this whole ghastly business.
As an old family friend, I have her interests very much at heart.
And they won't be served by you making a nuisance of yourself.
I phoned your house, Mrs.
Cameron said you were here.
I couldn't believe it.
Why? I still have a commission to finish.
You were almost killed.
Aren't you frightened? Well, I wouldn't have stayed after dark.
Now you're here Now I'm here what? - We might as well tile the bathroom.
Come on.
- Ohhh (Rustling) (Owl hoots) Janey, let's go.
I'm taking the last of the wine.
We've earned it.
(Sniffs) (Sighs) - Are we ready, then? - Shh.
What is it? Keep away from the windows.
How can you be so certain someone's out there? He knows I've got the turnscrew and he was bound to show his hand.
- What? - Sorry.
- Never told you I still had the turnscrew.
- Oh, Lovejoy I swear Alexander will never let me see you again.
Oh, this is madness.
Keep down, Janey.
- It's dead.
- (Clunk) What is it? Final demand, turnscrew or else.
Or else what? It didn't say.
(Screams) - Are you all right? - Yeah, I'm fine, I'm OK.
You? He's got a crossbow.
The bastard's got a crossbow.
No noise, so no one will hear.
He'll hear me.
Come on.
(Resounding bang) Oh! Reload.
Go on.
Get down! Oh! It's all right, it's OK.
- Shh.
What's that noise? - What? Shh! Shh! Listen.
(Crackling) It's the thatch.
He's set fire to the thatch.
- We have to get out.
- We're dead as soon as we step outside.
We're dead in here! The priest hole.
Take these.
I'll get some water.
(Coughing) (Both coughing) (Coughing continues) Don't worry, someone will see the fire.
Oh, it's getting hotter.
- (Jane coughing) - Stay still.
And breathe slowly.
(Coughing) - (Pop) - (Jane) Oh, God.
(Lovejoy grunts) (Jane coughing) (Both coughing) Janey hold this.
There.
(Jane coughing) (Grunting and coughing) (Jane wheezing) (Lovejoy grunting) (Jane gasping and wheezing) (Siren blaring) I don't at all object to my wife's friendship with you, Lovejoy, it's just that I'm always afraid that she'll end up dead, imprisoned, or sold to white slavers.
Oh, Alexander, I swear, there's no one in the world I'd want to harm less.
(Alexander) Careful, darling.
Perhaps.
But every time she involves herself with one of your little escapades, she imperils her life or her reputation, so no more adventures for a while, all right, Lovejoy? Cross my heart, no more heroics.
Good.
No, it's the, er quiet life for me from now on.
Bullshit.
(Horn toots) (Groans) - You all right? - Mm.
- Is Jane all right? - Yeah.
I do seem to have brought you the most appalling bad luck ever since the day you came to talk to me about flinters.
You never told me it was such a dangerous pastime.
Well, it used not to be.
But of course that was before all this nonsense about the Judas Pair.
There's a killer who doesn't think it's nonsense.
I thought it was you, Michael.
Well, I was convinced it was you.
What made you change your mind? Oh, the fire burning down the cottage.
Because it's my property? I have it handsomely insured.
No, no, because you knew there was a priest hole, there was a chance of me surviving, because it was you who phoned the fire brigade instead of waiting till dawn and raking through the ashes for the turnscrew.
- Do you know who did it? - Mmm.
Are you gonna tell me? Lovejoy.
I read in the evening paper you've been involved in a frightful accident, a fire.
It wasn't an accident.
That's why I'm here.
Philip should be back shortly.
Dr.
La Grange, he's been staying here.
I know.
Philip La Grange is a murderer.
He killed your husband and almost killed Lady Felsham and myself.
He killed your husband for the Judas Pair.
But - Philip sold them to my husband.
- He was broke.
Your husband didn't tell you because of Philip's pride and because you were all friends.
La Grange stole them back but he didn't realize that the turnscrew was not in the case.
Oh, it can't be true.
Please, it can't be true.
Sorry.
It must have broken his heart to part with them.
You've no idea how obsessive collectors can be.
He had to get them back.
You can understand that, Lovejoy.
Just as you can understand how I had to have the complete case.
- No.
- It's true.
Everything he says is true.
Would you like to see them? He did kill James, he's just admitted it.
Admitted what? A man forces himself into the house carrying a loaded gun and accuses me of murders, burnings, robberies I've never heard of surely anyone would try to humor him into reasonable behavior.
What did you bring? Mortimer.
Hmm.
Thank you.
I don't think we shall put too many finger marks on such lovely surfaces.
Do you? We? I'm sure you wouldn't kill me in cold blood, Lovejoy, and a duel will provide superb irony and the perfect resolution.
I offer you the privilege of the Judas Pair.
Philip, you're mad.
Muriel, consider the benefits.
Should things go right for Lovejoy, he'll have the satisfaction of knowing that justice was done.
And whoever wins, no one can be blamed afterwards.
I'll tell the police that I was made to fight a duel by this maniac here.
But alternatively, Lovejoy will have the proof that I killed James.
Call the police, Muriel.
I'm disappointed.
Don't be.
They are beautiful.
Identical twins.
I'm afraid the room's not quite 60 feet.
Where would you like to choose your ground? I would like us both to sit at the table.
- Isn't that a trifle unusual? - Oh, there are precedents.
Please, answer.
Please.
Thank you.
Lovejoy? (Banging on door) Lovejoy? It's all right, Muriel.
Just wait for the police.
(Clock ticking) - Does that chime? - Yes.
At the chime, then.
I'm dead the minute I pull the trigger.
You don't even have to fire at all.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I know how James Field died.
(Melodic chiming) It's all right, it's all right, he's only fainted.
The firing mechanism looks perfectly normal, except that when you pull the trigger, the bullet comes out backwards along a concealed barrel.
In other words, you line it up against your eye, you take aim (Click) and you blow your own bloody brains out.
I always thought dueling was an affair of honor.
Somebody had those flinters made deliberately? Some Regency buck was dashing around bold as brass - knowing he couldn't bloody lose.
- Yes.
And that someone forced the world's greatest gunsmith to make a pair of guns that way.
Oh.
What is it? Either of you speak Latin? (Jane) Rex me fecit.
- The king made me? - Could have been George III.
He was mad as a hatter.
Or the Prince Regent - he was a wencher, a gambler.
So there was a Judas Pair, and the king made them.
No, no, no, no, no, not the king himself.
No, one of them, George III or the Prince Regent, forced old Durrs to make them.
- Oh.
- But he had to explain it.
That's why he made the inscription, hoping that someone someday would know what he meant.
And that someone was you.
King made me.
You know, if I didn't know you better, Lovejoy, I'd say that's brought tears to your eyes.