Lucky Hank (2023) s01e05 Episode Script

1
Being an adult is 80% misery.
[WHIMSICAL TUNE PLAYS]
I think you're at 80.
I'm at 30.
[CLINKING]
I do think the press may pick up the poem,
[SNICKERS] once they hear it.
He abandoned us.
He abandoned you.
Now, he's moving back.
They want me to make a list
of people to fire.
They were concerned that you might panic,
but I said, "No! They're all adults."
Railton is just a town that can suck you in.
Are you trying to get me to leave?
[ "WON'T YOU TELL YOUR DREAMS?"
BY LEE HAZEL WOOD PLAYING]
Da, da da, da, da, da, da ♪
I've learned to do some simple things ♪
Like lock the door
And shut the lights
[YOUNG HANK'S PARENTS ARGUING]
And pay the paperboy on time ♪
And try and miss you less each night ♪
[PARENTS ARGUING]
So please won't you tell your dreams ♪
[CLOCK CHIMING]
To leave my room alone?
[CLOCK CHIMING]
Please won't you tell your dreams ♪
To leave my room alone?
[CLOCK CHIMING]
Da, da da, da, da, da, da ♪
Da, da da, da, da, da, da ♪
Da, da da, da, da, da, da ♪
Da, da da, da, da, da, da ♪
[GROANS]
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
[PHONE RINGING]
Tom, this isn't a good time.
You got it!
What do you mean? You said that
I know, but they loved you, Lil.
They want you to start as soon as you can.
Okay. Slow down.
I didn't say I could take this.
You know that.
I know that,
but this is a great school,
and you'd love it here.
You had all these ideas
about education back in school.
We'll do them here,
and you know it will be funded.
[DOOR OPENS]
Okay. I have to go.
Talk to Hank, and then come.
You deserve this.
Okay. Thank you. Bye.
Hey.
Hi.
I was just looking at
the grandfather clock out there,
in the pod.
It's a nice piece.
Your father's clock?
The clock that I possess on my property.
When is that pod going?
I'm going to keep the clock.
You want it in the house?
That piece is different.
I always thought of it as a friend.
Oh. That's sweet.
Hey, we're missing two settings.
We are not.
Well, how many are we?
Um
Billie, Gracie,
Teddy, June,
Rourke, Joanie, Emma.
I'm missing someone.
Finny, and us.
You know, one time,
we should throw a dinner party
for people we actually like.
You know, change of pace.
Do you remember
when you accidentally made punch
with 151-proof rum,
and Gracie fell asleep under the table?
That was fun.
Although with the budget cuts, I don't know.
This year might be grim.
Ten water glasses.
You know, tonight is about
lowering expectations.
That way, we might be pleasantly surprised.
That was almost optimism.
No, No, no.
I know what's going to happen.
One of these bozos
is going to break down crying.
It happens every year.
And then
another bozo will reveal
something embarrassing and personal,
and we're all left sitting there
staring at each other,
wondering what the hell's going on?
All right.
Eyes wide open.
When did you check the stew last?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Okay, eight minutes early.
That'll be the Washington-Chens.
- Shall we?
- [PHONE RINGING]
Oh, I have to take this.
I'll just be a minute.
Hey, Ash.
I wonder who does their landscaping.
This is this is
what chair money gets you, huh?
I guess so.
Hey!
- Hey!
- Hi. How are you?
Right in there, yeah, yeah.
No, I need your help with something.
Oh. Oh. Um
Hi.
[ASHLEY] You're coming to New York!
Oh, no.
No. It's just an offer. I'm not taking it.
I can't. There's just
You know, there's just too many obstacles.
Oh. But you want to, right?
I mean
if there was no other considerations,
then of course I want to.
Oh. Hmm. Is Hank mad about what happened?
Nothing happened.
Oh, you didn't tell him.
Nothing happened.
Well, look, no, right.
I wouldn't have told my husband either.
Come on.
Look, he surprised me.
I was on the phone,
I wasn't even paying attention.
It was nothing.
It looks heavy.
You can't see weight.
What if we drop it?
Don't let go with your hands,
and we won't drop it.
No! No! Put it down! Put it down!
Put it down. Put it down!
What happened?
I panicked.
I can't leave it out here.
It's going to rain.
Yeah. Sorry, Hank.
My brass band plays Sunday,
and, you know, the French horn,
it's much more latissimus-centric
than most people think.
I can't risk a strain.
Oh, Lil. I can't wait
for your ass to get here.
I mean, I'm not as eager as Tom or anything.
I mean, that guy's, like, drooling for you.
- Okay, stop it.
- [DOOR CLOSES]
Okay, I gotta go.
Make yourself something. I
- Was it Teddy and June?
- Yeah.
Are you okay?
I got the job. The Arlyle job.
You did? That's amazing!
I mean, of course you did.
You're amazing.
- I'm so proud of you.
- Thank you.
I really didn't expect to get it.
Is it a good offer?
Did you talk specifics?
- We didn't get into it.
- Yeah.
It's an offer.
Fantastic news.
Oh
talk about leverage, right?
You are going to bring
East Railton High to its knees.
You're going to get
so many cleaning supplies,
they're going to give you your own closet.
Right?
Yeah, totally.
I'm going to be queen of that place.
[♪♪]
- Hello.
- Hey.
- Welcome.
- Thank you.
- Uh, Lily?
- She's right in the kitchen. Yeah.
Okay. Thanks.
Now, before you come in,
could you help me with something?
Just that.
Oh! Oh! Would you like me
to also bust up a chifforobe?
I'm not your moving company.
[ "Y SIN EMBARGO T ESTABAS AH "
BY PIPPO SPERA PLAYING]
[HANK, THINKING] Why do people
my age have parties?
I mean, I get it when you're in your 20s,
and it's all about getting laid,
but what's in it for us?
I think it's the same reason people gamble.
The thrill of possibility.
The roll of the die.
Right before the party,
"where you think," What if?
What if I have a good conversation?
What if a real friendship emerges?
What if Penelope Cruz's car
breaks down outside
"and she needs to stay for dinner?"
But then the party starts.
The die is cast, and everybody is a loser.
[IN FRENCH] Par la fen tre ouverte ♪
Posait sur ton corps d nud ♪
Why don't we have a view of the lake?
Paul.
- Not again.
- What?
I shouldn't have this?
It's not the Mediterranean.
It's a modest lake in Pennsylvania.
I can't have a view of it?
Well, I'm very happy where we live.
All right, but you'd be happier here.
Hmm?
Right?
See?
This is some bullshit.
This place should be mine.
Did I tell you I outbid him by ten grand?
Yeah, like a hundred times.
And you also told me
how you showed up here with a builder
and told that old man
that was selling the place
that you were going
to tear down his childhood home.
Yeah, well, this place was a dump.
Still is.
You know, I bet Hank
doesn't even know what he has.
But if it was mine,
I would clear this path
so you could get to the lake.
Build my deck out.
Lily.
Oh, hi.
It's been so long.
- I know.
- Thanks for doing this.
Thank you for being here.
This is fun.
Hank mentioned you, uh,
had an interview at Arlyle.
He did?
Oh, I forget he talks about me sometimes.
I know that school.
They're a huge a cappella feeder.
Five of the 14 Whiffenpoofs.
Oh, I didn't know.
Yeah.
So?
How'd it go?
It went very well.
Um, I have an offer, actually.
Um, but, you know,
it's very complicated right now, so.
But you're taking it, though, right?
No.
Are you crazy?
I mean, um
why not?
Well, I can't take a job
in New York right now.
Oh
That's too bad.
Well, congratulations anyway.
Thanks.
Excuse me.
[EMMA] So if I taste it,
it's not like a stroke,
it's actually in there.
Yeah, it's not artificial rust, it's real.
[TEDDY] Oh, okay.
Real prepared rust.
Great. Perfect.
[TEDDY] Okay.
Yeah, and it is just
- Oh, we're still talking about this.
- such a magnificent animal.
I actually like going
to the school plays of my friends' children.
That's gross.
No. The bottomless need for attention,
it's not yet ugly,
unlike adult actors.
Doesn't a bottomless need for attention
make you feel at home?
Why would I think that tonight
would be any different?
I don't know.
You can take the asshole
out of the English department,
but you can't take
No. It's not going to make sense.
Hold on.
You can't take
the English department out of
Nope.
They can trace its lineage back to 1882.
Whoa.
I can't do that with my own family.
Well, they hate you, so.
No. Now, if June doesn't give me a baby
by next year,
I'm getting two.
That's not how babies work.
I'm throwing away
her stupid, little cat-dogs.
Oh, okay.
You won't believe what I just heard.
Lily got a job offer at the Arlyle School,
and she's not taking it.
- You mean she's taking it.
- Right?
I mean, she has to take it.
[CLEARS THROAT]
You know,
if the university really wanted
to help with department morale,
they'd give us a stipend to keep us apart.
[LILY CHUCKLES]
Well, maybe we should take the job.
We'd have a whole new set of circumstances
to complain about.
Yeah, that's true.
And there's New York, of course.
You're not serious, are you?
Maybe I am.
Yeah, but we already talked about this.
Only in theory.
There was no offer before, so.
It's real now.
- [GRACIE] You heard about that.
- [BILLIE] Shenanigan.
Yeah. All right.
Well, um
maybe we should have this conversation
when we're hosting a bigger event,
like a wedding, or a parade.
[LILY CHUCKLES]
Okay. You're right.
We'll talk about it later.
Well, sure,
[♪♪]
Oh, hey, guys.
Hi. Yeah.
Ah.
You didn't mention
a department dinner party.
I did not. I wanted you to come over.
Drink?
I think something stronger.
Hello. June, is it?
Tony. We've met a couple of times.
Of course. Hi.
Did I see you're giving
a talk on The Hunger Games?
As it relates to the gladiatorial ludi.
I'm doing a seminar
on the literature of antiquity.
What a perfect way to liven it up.
These kids and their bloodlust.
[JUNE] Mm-hmm.
You know, they also respond to sex.
Oh?
[JUNE] Yeah.
I show them everything they know
about eroticism in storytelling
can be traced back
to the etchings on the pyramids.
In fact,
the very first Egyptian god
- Atum.
- Atum, that's right.
He created himself,
but he had no wife,
so in order to beget his children,
Shu and Tefnut,
he masturbated.
Good for him,
but from my own experience
with masturbation,
I'm only hearing half the story.
Does your husband teach
similar subject matter?
Oh, no.
No. He doesn't get to show
his students Caligula, either.
- [TONY] And you do?
- [JUNE] Yeah.
[TONY] Wow.
I wish I had some relevant porn
to help my students connect to philosophy,
but it's tough to rely on
their attention spans.
- So tough.
- Right?
Well, you should come to my talk.
I will.
It's a date.
Okay.
Great.
- You can have her, you know.
- What?
They have an open marriage.
Interesting.
So what are the ethics of this situation?
Do I just hit on a married woman
in front of her husband
without feeling badly?
Is that how this works?
No. There's a whole protocol involved.
How do you know this?
Teddy has the hots for Lily, but
Let's put it down.
June vetoed it.
You know, don't sleep with the boss' wife.
I'm letting him think
that's the only obstacle.
All right. Good to go?
Lily can't get the dream
of moving to New York
out of her head.
It's a 20-year fantasy.
Well, if she wants to go so bad,
why aren't you guys there already?
Because it's a fantasy.
She doesn't really want to go.
Is that what you want?
Are you kidding me? What do I want?
How the hell do I know what I want?
[FINNY] Gentlemen.
Oh.
Is this the same bottle of wine
that we've been giving
each other since you got tenure?
The one and the same.
Aw, that is so sweet.
I'll take it inside.
You know, I got this
Good?
I should have been a surgeon.
- Yes. There we go.
- Oh, missed that.
[FINNY] like redundancy
[GRANDFATHER CLOCK TICKING]
[INDISTINCT PARTY CONVERSATION CONTINUES]
[♪♪]
[♪♪]
Wow. Look at this feast.
I've got to be careful
not to have too much stew.
Yeah. Watch your mouth.
Yeah. Hmm.
So, Lil.
Congratulations on the job.
Oh, June's been talking.
[CHUCKLING]
Well, it sounds like an opportunity
too impossible to pass up.
- Thank you, Paul.
- Right?
Well, listen, guys, um,
if you're headed to New York,
I'm still interested in this place.
[LILY] You're still
We've lived here for 18 years.
18?
No one should live
in the same place for 18 years.
We'll keep that in mind.
We're not going anywhere.
[ROURKE] All right. All right.
All right. Yeah.
Um, but, you know,
I'll make you a nice offer.
Ah. Got it.
I'll go 5% over market value.
Honey, they said no.
You'll need every penny in New York.
- Those places are for real.
- Yeah, but we're not selling, right?
Just because you get an offer for something
- doesn't mean that you have to
- Wait. Wait. Wait, wait.
We were going to talk about it later, right?
So we'll get back to you.
Wha Wait. What?
- [GLASS SHATTERING]
- Whoa! Cosmo down!
Here I come.
[♪♪]
Hey, June.
Tony.
I heard that you
- What?
- Well, uh, what did I hear?
What was it?
That What are you into? What's your jam?
What is my jam?
Um, uh, we hike, a lot.
Mm, no. That wasn't it.
[TEDDY] Hey.
Hey. Hi.
- That's your husband, right here.
- [JUNE] There you go.
There he is, and that's his drink,
so that's great.
Um, we were just talking about hiking,
and, um, if you had any great routes,
or other interests
completely different from hiking.
I'm super interested in all
Let's just stick to hiking,
because that's a great
Oh. No, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
We took a great hike through Jasper Park.
- Jasper.
- Yeah, yeah.
Enter in through the south side,
and keep taking the center trail.
Great.
- Yeah. It's beautiful.
- Oh, yeah, great.
Um, and when you do hiking
do you
Is it just the two of you hiking?
When you hike
together?
Or sometimes, like, you hike separately.
Or is there, like, a club?
Do you go
Do you do hiking
with other hikers and people?
Are you asking us out?
June. Just June.
You didn't have to pretend
you were interested in our hiking routes.
Sorry. Although I am a hiker myself,
and appreciate suggestions.
Hey. Can I ask you something?
Hmm?
Do you think Lily's going to take that job?
Yeah.
Oh, I thought Um, I don't know.
Um, maybe?
- She wants to.
- I thought for sure she'd take it.
Yeah. It's the opportunity of a lifetime.
Why wouldn't she, right?
Yeah. So the conversation
we were having before this one
Yeah. You were flirting with my wife.
Yeah.
So, did I cross a boundary,
or am I within the framework?
And if so, are we talking
something happening?
Because that would be pretty fantastic.
We'll get back to you.
Okay.
Fair enough.
Good, well, good.
I look forward to your response.
- Cheers.
- Don't do that.
Did he just bow because I'm Asian?
I think that was a bow, yeah.
[FINNY] I love Jack Nicholson in Chinatown.
And, you know,
Faye Dunaway is so beautiful in that movie.
[EMMA] Oh, my gosh, I know.
[FINNY] I could just
watch her for forever.
[EMMA] So tragic.
[FINNY] Yeah. I mean, I could
I could watch her read
the telephone book because
- Who couldn't?
- she's so delightful.
Do you know that Robert Towne
didn't even want the last line to be,
"Forget it, Jake, it's Chinatown."
- That's the best line.
- It's the best line!
Did you guys ever finish
your argument about Pinocchio?
[CHUCKLES]
Well, "argument" is a little strong.
Interpretation is, by its nature,
a bit of a sticky wicket.
What were the issues again?
Oh, yeah. It's racist,
and it's filled with allusions
to child slavery
and demented Christian ideology.
Yeah, except it's not.
[GRACIE SCREAMING]
I'm being published in The Atlantic!
Oh.
They're They're publishing me!
That's wonderful.
Congratulations. That's
Yeah, so are you okay?
[ROURKE] Yay.
[GRACIE SHRIEKING]
- Wonderful.
- [SHRIEKS]
[APPLAUDING]
[SHRIEKS]
[GASPS]
I need a minute.
[SHRIEKS]
[HANK, THINKING]
I've never been that excited
about anything in my entire life.
Yay, Gracie.
That includes my wedding,
the birth of my child,
and my first orgasm.
Is that for real?
Can you imagine that in bed?
[HANK] I'm canceling
my subscription to The Atlantic.
[ROURKE] Yeah.
[GRACIE SCREAMING]
[HANK, THINKING] A billion dollars
could fall on top of me,
and, you know, toss in world peace,
and my reaction would be, "Good."
Gracie!
Gracie! Gracie!
There's either something wrong with her,
or me,
or, with overwhelming odds,
humanity in general.
[WHISPERS] I did it, Daddy.
Yes!
[SCREAMS]
[PHONE BUZZES]
[INDISTINCT PARTY CONVERSATION CONTINUES]
I mean, I had, like,
one and a half tequila sunrises by then.
I wasn't in the best position to
[HANK, READING] "Hey, Ash told me
she said that I'm 'jizzing' for you.
You're married. I get it.
I'm sorry a thousand times again
for you know what.
Please know that, as you make this decision,
don't think that
I'm going to just be making
constant passes at you.
"This is just the job, I swear."
Check your texts.
Okay. This is silly.
I mean, it's not
It's something that I need to tell you,
but it's nothing.
It's like It's less than nothing.
I'm listening.
Okay. So in New York, Tom
You know, he tried to kiss me.
Or, I mean, he did kiss me.
I pushed him away. I got really mad at him.
He said that he was joking,
which I'm sure that he was.
I just don't know where his head was fully.
That does sound like nothing,
so let's just forget about it.
Okay. Thank you.
I'm sorry that I didn't
tell you when I got home.
[CELL PHONE TIMER RINGING]
The stew's ready.
[INDISTINCT PARTY CONVERSATION CONTINUES]
It's certainly understood
that the first poem in The Atlantic
is nothing more than an amuse-bouche,
but to be offered page 72,
an early part of the magazine,
I was thrilled already,
but when I found out
that I was the second poem
- Stew?
- or anything after 60
page 14, page 97
that's where Billy Preston was
[ROURKE] This can't happen.
She should have her own place.
She's my mother.
- [JOANIE] Why not?
- You can't do that with mothers.
- Stew?
- [ROURKE] Yes.
She can't switch houses.
House, house, house.
The woman can't stay with us.
- Stew?
- Is that plate for June?
I can serve June.
[TEDDY] That's okay.
[INDISTINCT PARTY CONVERSATION CONTINUES]
- Donkey-headed boys
- Stew?
are a metaphor for child slavery.
[BRAYS LIKE A DONKEY]
I broke your damn toilet, Spanky.
Serve yourself.
[♪♪]
[HANK, THINKING ] She loves me.
It's just a job.
She loves me. It's just a job.
She loves me. It's just a job.
We can work it out.
We will work it out.
[♪♪]
Hey, Julie.
Uh, yeah. Something is wrong.
It's Mom.
[INDISTINCT PARTY CONVERSATION CONTINUES]
all covered in cheese.
I mean, I would say I'm
[INDISTINCT PARTY CONVERSATION CONTINUES]
[CHIMING AGAINST GLASS]
Hey, everyone.
Thank you for coming.
Every year,
the university gives us
a small budget to get together,
which is very kind of them.
Or cruel, depending on the year.
[LAUGHING]
This year, it's kind,
because, um,
I get a chance to say in front of people
how proud I am of my wife.
Lily got an amazing job opportunity
at a very respected school in New York.
Many of you already know.
It's wonderful,
and I just wanted to, uh,
show her my appreciation.
To Lily.
- To Lily!
- To Lily!
Thank you. I appreciate that.
It's something I'm very excited about, so.
- As well you should be.
- So, what about the house, then?
It's an incredible
[BILLIE] Wait a second. Wait a second.
Like, she got the job, and he's going?
Spanky's going to New York?
[HANK] It's not your concern.
Well, it does affect us quite a bit.
- Does it?
- How so?
You know exactly how so, you twits.
Well, we haven't made a decision,
so it's not going to affect you tonight.
[GRACIE] Oh, come on, Hank. You have to go.
A path has opened up for Lily.
It's just
It happened for a reason.
[BILLIE] How can they take it?
Hank's qualified for nothing.
What's he gonna do?
Play sax in the subway?
[LAUGHING]
Thank you, Billie.
[ROURKE] He's a writer.
He can go to one of those
stupid coffee shops
and be one of those cliches, you know.
He'd love that.
That sounds nice.
- Yeah, it does sound nice.
- No, actually.
Well, the poem that I wrote,
the one that's coming out in The Atlantic?
"The Seven Sisters of Tobias".
I wrote that in the city.
I'm just I'm so stimulated there.
You can take a walk on the High Line,
or just stroll through the Village
with the ghost of Allen Ginsberg.
Have you ever been to New York?
Hank, if you were to leave
in the middle of term,
would the Chair just go
to the next person in rotation,
or would we have to take a vote?
- That's a great question. Yeah.
- How would that work?
How's everyone liking the stew tonight?
I ground my own paprika.
Oh, it's very good. Yeah, delicious.
That's good. Yeah.
It tastes the same.
[DOOR OPENING]
Hi, everyone.
- Hey.
- Oh, hey.
Hi, Julie.
Um, can I talk to you?
Now? Like, right now?
Yeah.
Okay.
[DOOR CLOSES]
- Do you want more?
- Yes, please.
Anybody want a refresher?
- Yes.
- Yeah.
[HANK] No.
Okay, so, um, how are we
How are we doing?
How we doin', you know? How are we doing?
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]
Uh, do you guys, like, after,
do you talk about it?
Like, what was touched and untouched?
I would cool it down a bit.
Teddy doesn't like desperate men for me.
Jesus. Desperate?
[GRACIE] Hank.
Hank?
I think we need an answer
to June's question.
It's only fair.
[SIGHS]
Ask Emma.
What? Why am I the only one
who has read the bylaws?
It's, like, three pages.
No. You know what? I'm not telling you.
[JUNE] Emma, please. We need to know.
[GRACIE] Emma, those are
a very difficult three pages.
It's very dry stuff.
Oh, god. All right. Fine.
If the chair needs to leave his position
due to force majeure,
the position goes into rotation
and no vote is needed.
- Force majeure?
- Mm-hmm.
Oh.
Since when is moving to New York
an act of God?
[TEDDY] A job at the Arlyle School
is an act of God.
Do you know five of
the 14 Whiffenpoofs went there?
That's a lot of Whiffenpoofs.
Whiffenpoofs
- Whiffenpoo
- Whiffenpoo
Whiffenpoofs
You're all doing my note.
[ALL HARMONIZING]
Please stop doing this
Please stop doing this.
Where in New York
do you think you'd want to live?
Well, actually, I've thought about this.
We love Brooklyn,
particularly Green point and Williamsburg.
- Oh, yes.
- Right?
Um, of course,
my commute would be much better
from the Upper West Side,
but we'd probably
never be able to afford that.
Well, you could if you
Sell me your place!
You could sell me your place! ♪
Come on and sell me your place! ♪
I hate it when you get like this.
Listen.
Selling you this place
would barely cover the down payment
on a place in New York.
[LILY] They did mention a moving stipend,
but you're right, Paul.
We could use some extra money.
And, um, the good news is
that we also own the plot
right next to ours.
Also not for sale.
[LILY] I'd be very interested
in an offer, Paul.
[ROURKE] Is it a large plot?
Is it larger than this one?
For God's sake. What is wrong with you?
Can you ever be happy with what is?
She'll cool off.
Hey, Hank.
I'll give you 10% over market value.
[HANK] It's not for sale any time soon.
Well, I just had
a very interesting conversation
with our daughter,
and she says that, um, she's coming with me.
[GRACIE] Oh!
She and her husband
have flexible work situations.
- Oh, that's nice.
- And she mentioned that you, Hank,
recently suggested
that she move to a city
with more opportunities.
Oh, there you go.
I guess we're going to need a bigger place.
[ROURKE] Well, this sounds like
good news all around.
Win-win-win.
No, no, no.
Look. Look.
We're not making a decision right here,
not with this group.
So let's go back
to our usual awful, awkward conversation
that we're all so good at.
- [LAUGHING]
- All right?
Because nothing is happening.
But something is happening.
Well, nothing's happening right now.
Julie just happened right now.
It appears that the situation
is evolving in real time.
Julie isn't going anywhere.
That's not up to you, is it?
I'm not going.
I'm
going to stay here,
even if you go.
Okay?
So how's that for a decision made right now?
Hank, you know what,
I think I can taste the paprika.
It's much fresher.
- Yeah, it's a fresher taste.
- Yeah.
Hits you more, yeah.
- Let's play a game.
- Oh, yes!
That's a great idea!
Do you remember how we used
to all play Celebrity?
I'll certainly never forget
the time that Paul didn't know
who Andrea Dworkin was.
[LAUGHING]
Lily, where do you keep
the pencils and the paper?
No. This game is called
"Percentage Of Happiness".
[GRACIE] Oh!
Goodness.
I do not think that I know that game.
I think I played that game once.
I was at a book reading
with Johnny Franzen
It's a really simple game.
So, how you play is
you answer this question
"What percentage of happiness am I?"
[GRACIE] Oh.
And, "What percentage of happiness is so low
that you should be willing
to make a change?"
[GRACIE] Oh.
We'll just go around the room.
Gracie, do you want to kick us off?
Oh. Um, yes. Okay.
Um, well, um,
as you know, I'm having a very good day,
so I think I would, um
Oh, I I would put myself at, um, oh
95% happiness!
Wow.
And when would I make a change?
Um, oh, I don't know.
- Um
- Would you just
60%!
Yeah, 60%.
60%.
All right. I would, uh
[LILY] That's very interesting.
What about you, Hank?
Oh, wait. Actually, I already know
the answer to the first question.
You told me a while ago.
I believe it was 20.
You are 20% happy.
Oh.
That does sound pretty low, Spanky.
- No, that's high for him.
- That does sound like Hank.
[LILY] So question number two
What percentage
would you have to drop down to
in order to make a change?
10?
Or
zero?
[♪♪]
[INDISTINCT PARTY CONVERSATION]
A little wine, hey?
Or no?
You know, guys.
I've been thinking about it,
and I think this just isn't me.
For no real reason.
It was fun imagining what might be,
but I'm going to have to
respectfully bow out.
Oh. Are you sure?
Oh, come on.
[♪♪]
Honey
sorry I brought Julie into this.
It was childish of me.
I didn't handle it well.
No, you didn't.
You take that great job,
and I'll keep my shitty job.
You come out here when you can,
and I'll go into the city,
make it work.
[♪♪]
"Marriage is sweeter,
sweeter than you think, think."
- [GRACIE] Anne Waldman.
- [FINNY] Indeed.
- "Stereo".
- Mm-hmm.
Very nice.
You know, there was a period of time
where Teddy and I were long distance,
and it actually strengthened our marriage.
Yeah.
That's nice to hear.
We developed a different foundation
for our own unique relationship,
and it made us closer than before.
[TEDDY] Best decision we ever made.
[JUNE] Best decision.
I mean, there are days
I want to punch him in the face.
- Don't get me wrong.
- [LAUGHING]
When I go on about my research.
Funny story.
You want to hear a story?
I have the best
long-distance relationship story ever.
And don't worry.
It's not about me wanting your house.
[LAUGHING]
I've mentioned
my first wife, Barbara, right?
Uh, God rest her soul.
Well, she and I met in college,
freshman year,
and it was just supposed to be
one of those hook-ups.
Damn, she was fine.
Yeah. We went to her room that first night,
and guess what?
I never left.
I, uh, spent my freshman year
sharing a single bed with her.
She was the one who introduced me to poetry.
Oh.
We would, uh, recite Blake to each other.
We never spent one night apart
for all four years of college,
and we got married right after.
Had a destination wedding
like a couple of jerks.
Tuscany, for God's sakes.
Well, we didn't get into
the same Ph.D. program, though.
The closest we could get to each other
was a 12-hour drive.
I went to Chapel Hill
and she went to Chicago.
And I just remember missing her so much
that I decided to go visit her
that first weekend.
I didn't have a car,
so I decided to put up some flyers
to get a ride,
and I got one from this woman
who was visiting this guy down there,
and we talk in the car
and it is
the most interesting,
brilliant ride of my life.
Everything she says.
She made the trip feel like
a hot-air balloon ride.
[GRACIE] Ooh.
I thought I knew what love was,
but I was just learning.
I thought I had found my person,
but I was fooling myself.
She dropped me off at Barbara's.
I took one look at her,
and I
I asked for a divorce.
Now that I knew
what love really felt like
I had to.
I went back outside.
I didn't know how I was going to find her,
but guess who was still there
in the car, waiting.
- Yes!
- Come on.
We've been together ever since.
Yes.
Quite a story.
That's a divorce story.
[BILLIE] You should go with her, Spanky.
Before she finds her Joanie.
I already found my Joanie.
You never really know about people.
No.
I know my wife.
I know Lily.
We don't have secrets.
We tell each other everything right away.
That's right. We do.
Where does Tom live again?
Mm.
I think he lives in Green point.
Who's Tom?
Uh, he's Lily's old boyfriend.
Oh.
Mm-hmm.
[EMMA] Since we're talking
about this again,
I actually have a friend
who lives in the East Village
who might be looking for a roommate.
She's super cool.
She's an adjunct at NYU.
That sounds really interesting.
I'd like to talk to her.
- Okay.
- Or you could just live with Tom.
I don't want to live with Tom.
Well, it's just an idea.
Just a suggestion.
Where is the school exactly?
- It's in the west 40s.
- Oh.
Do you have any old boyfriends there?
Okay. Let's go.
- Let's go into the kitchen.
- [HANK] My kitchen?
How is Tom's wife, by the way?
[LILY] They're separated, actually.
[HANK] Oh! Really?
Come with me. Right now.
You know, I'm not going.
No one's keeping you here, Hank,
so why don't you go ahead and
Hank.
Go. Support your wife.
Are you going to vote me out?
That worked real well last time you tried.
Easy, Spanky.
[HANK] Easy? If I go,
he's next on the rotation.
So who are they going to get rid of?
[ROURKE] Hey. Nobody's
getting rid of anybody.
[HANK] Yeah.
Dickie Pope will have his redundancy,
so who's it going to be?
Gun to your head, pick one right now!
I'm not playing this game.
The game of having two poetry professors?
- I was just published!
- This is not the place for this.
Maybe we should just change topics.
June is very wise.
Why aren't you coming with me?
My life is here!
[LILY] Your life could move.
My mom is here.
You aren't talking to her.
- Julie is here.
- Julie is a grown woman that
I am here!
Okay? I've stayed. I'm here.
Look. You might not be coming with me,
but you are not here either.
[GRANDFATHER CLOCK CHIMING]
Why do you want to leave me so badly?
How hard is it for you to understand
that this is not about you?
[HANK] Leaving me isn't about me?
[CHIMING]
Going to New York for a job?
[CHIMING]
It isn't about me?
[CHIMING]
[CHIMING]
[HANK, IN PAST] It doesn't matter.
[LAUREL, IN PAST] What do you
mean it doesn't matter?
Tell me? What is it?
What can we do to make you stay?
[HANK, IN PAST] Nothing. Nothing at all.
[ "YOU WON'T BE SATISFIED"
BY ELLA FITZGERALD PLAYING]
[♪♪]
Oh, you won't be satisfied ♪
Until you break my heart ♪
You're never satisfied ♪
Until the teardrops start ♪
I tried to shower you
with love and kisses ♪
Oh, you won't be satisfied
until you break my heart ♪
No, you won't be satisfied
until you break my heart ♪
You're never satisfied
until the teardrops start ♪
[YOUNG HANK GASPING]
I tried to shower you
with love and kisses, baby ♪
[♪♪]
All I ever get from you ♪
Laurel!
Is naggin' and braggin' ♪
- My poor heart is saggin' ♪
- Just go. Just go.
Come on, man.
[HANK] I'm fine. I'm fine.
I'll bet you wouldn't like it
if I did the same ♪
Lily made cookies.
Oh, God!
You're only happy tearin'
all my dreams apart ♪
Celebrity, right? Celebrity.
Celebrity.
Peter Fonda!
It's just a wild guess.
Easy Rider?
Who wants to drive me home?
- I'll drive you home.
- Okay.
Good night.
Thank you.
- Good night.
- Good night.
[♪♪]
Teddy.
He'll be back to how he always is tomorrow.
Okay? Tomorrow.
Thanks, Lily.
The way you toss my heart around's ♪
A cryin' shame ♪
Oh, yes ♪
I'll bet you wouldn't like it
if I did the same ♪
You're only tearin'
all my little dreams apart ♪
Oh, you won't be satisfied
until you break my heart ♪
[HANK] Something else
about that night my father walked away.
He called out for my mom.
"Laurel! Office!"
And she came in.
And she knelt down beside me,
she took the rope from around my neck,
and she hugged me,
and then she said,
"We won't ever talk about this again."
And I doubt I ever will.
[ "THE WHIPPOORWILL"
BY KEELY SMITH PLAYING]
- The night was young ♪
- [LILY] Let's go to bed.
And so were we ♪
The whippoorwill sang sweet and low ♪
Why haven't you answered my calls?
Because my caller I.D. works.
I've been invited to
a conference in Harrisburg.
Russell and I had a fight, so I'm gonna
take you up on that offer. What offer?
I'm gonna come stay with you in New York.
MAN: Do you write with a pen or a scalpel?
I'm just trying to slurp the
marrow from the present moment.
You hurt your father.
Come by and ask him to stay.
♪
I'm afraid I'm gonna do something stupid.
♪
[♪♪]