Lucky Louie s01e05 Episode Script

- Okay, who's next? - Me, here, me.
Uh, I'd like half a dozen whole wheat bagels and two coconut doughnuts.
And please put the doughnuts in a separate bag.
See, I get a separate bag so I don't get coconut on the bagels.
Then I just gotta toss the receipt so there's no paper trail.
Who gives a shit? Kim.
She doesn't let me eat doughnuts or anything bad.
Oh, well maybe you should get another bag to put your balls in.
Shut up, man.
Jesus! You wanna let your teeth get a crack at that thing? Slow down, you animal.
I can't.
She knows how long it takes to get bagels.
See, if you ever get married, the first time you do something you gotta take a long time to do it.
'Cause you're stuck with that amount of time for that activity for the rest of your marriage.
You couldn't possibly be enjoying that donut.
- Or that one.
- I'm not.
Then why are you eating it? 'Cause fuck her! She can't tell me what to eat.
Oh, hi, Kim.
"Lucky Louie" was taped before a live audience.
Yeah, here we go.
You guys are really kicking our ass tonight.
We gotta be down what, 30 bucks? - All right, your bid.
- Okay, let me see.
What will I bid? What will I bid? - You okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.
Just a little itch.
That's one itchy tit.
How about you keep your eyes on your cards and off my wife's itchy tits, huh? Okay, uh, I bid 12 hearts.
Wait a minute.
Is this some kind of signal? You guys are cheating! Hey, come on, this is a friendly game.
Of course there's gonna be a little cheating.
That's pathetic, man.
And you know what? Give us back our 30 bucks.
Oh, you see, we took your money.
That means it's ours now.
That's how that works.
- Mike, give it.
- Make me.
Oh great, you're bigger than me so you just take my money? Why even have the card game? Why not just hit me with a pipe? The girls wanted to play cards.
I want that money, Mike.
Come and get it, Red.
Okay, guys.
- Fucking cheater! - You big baby! Kim, I'm sorry.
I just assumed you guys cheated too.
You saw the way Louie plays.
Can you imagine trying to teach him to cheat? Okay, boys, break it up! Yeah, this should be sexy, but it's not.
Mike, are you all right? Is he all right? What about me? Honey, you don't look so good.
Are you shitting your pants? - Seriously, Mike, are you all right? - Yeah, fine.
Just feels like there's a Buick on my chest and a I got a pain down my arm, but anyways, who's deal is it? All right, just stay still.
Louie, call 911.
Mike you might be having a heart attack.
Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! - Tina, take it easy.
- Oh my God! Take it easy, huh? I don't wanna die to the sound of that shit.
Oh my God.
What you're making, Lucy? A card.
It's for Mike, so he'll feel better.
That's very nice of you.
Don't sniff the marker, honey.
It's strawberry.
Really, strawberry? Can I have my marker back? It's almost dinnertime, go wash up.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Mike is one lucky guy.
- Is he gonna be all right? Yeah.
I talked to his doctor.
It was mild enough they didn't have to crack him open.
How did he look? Well, when I left he was sitting up in bed asking Tina for a hand job, so that's a good sign.
Man, one minute he's sitting here cheating at cards, the next minute he's in the hospital.
It's just scary.
Yeah, the really scary thing is you're next.
What? Come on, Mike is a fat shit.
He's totally out of shape.
And he beat you up while he was having a heart attack.
I'm putting you on a diet.
What? Wait a minute, I'm already on a diet! You don't let me have refined sugar or man, I'm sick of brown pasta.
Well, you don't have to worry about that anymore 'cause no more pasta.
Tonight we're having tempeh chunks, turnips, and kale.
Jesus, you fucking hate me.
No, I don't.
I'm worried about you.
I don't want you to die.
I got a great stir-fry recipe.
It's gonna be really tasty.
My mouth won't even make saliva for this stuff.
- Kim, you're overreacting.
- No I'm not.
Sit down - I'm taking some of your blood.
- Oh, Christ.
I had to marry a nurse? Why don't you ever give me a sponge bath? I need a sample to take to the lab so I can see what's going on with you.
Kim, please just don't do this, okay? I'm in fine shape.
Oh really? - Then catch me.
- What? Catch me.
If you catch me, you can eat whatever you want.
That's stupid.
Okay, catch me and I'll suck your dick.
Kim, I'm not gonna Oh, this is so sad.
Shut up, I'll fucking catch you.
Hey, dummy.
Look at you.
You see what I mean? Please still suck my dick.
- Hey, Jerry.
- Hey.
- Louie, are you okay? - No, he's not.
He's dying.
Wow.
Are you afraid? I'm not dying.
He's in terrible shape.
I need him to lose some weight.
Hey, I can help you work out.
I got my own method.
No thanks, Jerry.
You should go work out with him.
Look at what good shape he's in.
Yeah, I work out all day.
It's muscle against muscle.
- I'm working out right now.
- You are? Yeah, I'm clenching and unclenching my ass, see? - So, a heart attack, huh? - Yeah, little baby one.
It's bullshit that you gotta go through this.
Especially since the government is sitting on a stockpile of baboon hearts and dolphin brains.
Hey, Mikey, when you were in the hospital, did you have to shit in a pan? I didn't have to.
There was one there so I used it.
Yeah, I'm thinking of getting one for the house.
Anyway, man, I'm glad you're okay.
You're pretty lucky.
Yeah, thanks, Lou.
You know, being in the hospital gave me time to reflect on what happened and I realized that 30 bucks is not a lot of money compared to a friendship.
I think you still have our 30 bucks.
Yeah, who cares, right? Oh, hey! I didn't know you was having company, babe.
I would've ordered more pizza.
Yeah, that's okay.
More room for desert, huh? - Yeah, here we go.
- Wow, pepperoni pizza? - You get to have that? - Yeah, why not? - You just had a heart attack.
- Oh, that's all genetics.
- Yeah, but I would think also that - Genetics! - Come on, guys dig in.
- Oh, thanks, Tina.
- Have a slice.
- I can't.
Ever since you had your stupid heart attack Kim's making me eat healthier.
So what? Kim's not here.
Usually when she's not around you eat like a dyke at a carpet sale.
Yeah, well now she's taking my blood, so she's gonna know when I'm cheating.
You know what you ought to do? Hang outside the tunnel entrance in fishnets and start blowing guys for five bucks a pop.
It would be less humiliating than the life you're leading now.
Man, I'm so hungry for that pizza right now.
Yeah, it's good.
You know what she made me eat yesterday? Kale.
What the fuck is that? - It's not a food right? - No, it's like eating a swim cap.
- Who wants milk shakes? - I do, I do.
- Oh, Jesus.
- Don't forget to take your heart pills.
Got it right here, hon.
- Come on, Louie, take it.
- I can't.
Ugh, why? There's nothing in here but ice cream and fudge.
Give me his.
Faggot.
- Whoa, oh! - Oh my God, is it your heart again? No, it's the creamy coldness of this delicious shake.
Here we are.
Welcome to Jerry's gym.
- Yeah, great.
- Okay, now let's start with a little warm-up.
Something to get the blood flowing.
Don't you need to change into some workout clothes or something? "Don't you need to change into some workout clothes or something?" It's not about fashion.
Now come on, let's do this thing.
All right, ready? Go! Come on, I said go! And three, and two, and one.
All right, good.
Now, come on.
Follow me.
This is really good for your lats.
I climb telephone poles, apartment buildings, rehab centers I'm always climbing.
Always be climbing.
Always! It comes in handy.
All right, let's try a little flexibility and balance work.
- On the monkey bars or - No, for this all we need is each other.
Now, face me and grab my shoulders.
Okay, you ready? Now pull and resist, that's the key.
Pull and resist.
Pull and resist.
Pull and resist.
All right, cut it out, Jerry.
I don't like that.
That means it's working.
Look, I don't care.
I'm done with this.
See you later, Jerry.
All right, no, no, no.
Good first day! Hi.
Could I get some whole wheat sprouted bread, please? Okay.
You know what? Give me some doughnuts.
- How many? - I don't know, some.
Do you want a dozen? Do you think I should have that many? Sure, yeah.
I did just work out.
So yeah, a dozen, thanks.
You know what? What's that, chocolate chip cake? Yeah, give me a cake.
Give me a chocolate chip cake.
And you know what? Fuck this sprout bread, I don't need that shit! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Louie, what are you doing in there? I'm shitting.
Oh good, but hang on a minute, I need a stool sample to take to the lab.
What? Why? Well, I got your blood test back and your numbers are getting worse.
Something's not right.
I gotta come in there.
No, stay out! Hey, you know what, Louie? Your cholesterol's through the roof and you have the liver functions of a wino.
I'm coming in.
Fuck you! I should be allowed to take a shit without my wife rifling through it.
- Oh my God! - Yeah, okay, so nothing more to see here.
Goodbye.
No wonder your tests say you're a corpse.
What is wrong with you? You wanna keel over like Mike? No, but Jesus, Kim, you gotta back off.
I mean, look at this.
You're literally up my ass.
You're eating a cake on the toilet.
Well, you got me all stressed out! That's what's gonna give me a heart attack.
Now get out of here! Fine, just give me the cake.
No, it's mine.
Louie, give me the cake.
Come get it.
All right? So how long have you been eating behind my back? - How long have you had a back? - Jesus.
It's not always been this bad, but since you started with all this kale, I'm just a little out of control.
All right, so go ahead then, eat your crap.
But from now on do it in front of me.
What? Well, maybe if you don't have to eat in secret anymore, you won't go so overboard.
I just don't wanna walk in on you eating on the toilet again.
At least you didn't catch me jerking off.
I don't care about that.
It's the only exercise you get.
Hey, Jerry, what are you doing in the park this early? Waiting for Louie.
We're supposed to work out together, but he didn't show up.
What are you doing? I'm running away from the cops.
- Oh, can I run with you? - Okay.
- Oh, hi.
- Hey.
What you got there? Some food.
Okay, good.
Please, sit and eat.
Thanks.
Louie, it's okay.
Really, it's just food.
All right, here goes.
Boy, Big Mac, huh? Haven't seen one of those in a while.
That's 'cause they're usually in my body by the time I get home.
Yeah.
Oh! Well, it's nice to know you weren't hiding in some alley somewhere.
Mmm.
You're okay? Yeah, fine.
Totally fine.
Totally.
Actually I need a glass of water.
You know what? This is a really good idea, honey.
Just get it all out in the open and break the whole cycle of shame and secrecy.
- Oh my God.
- I know.
Thanks, Maria.
So the doctor said you had a panic attack.
Are you all right? Yeah, but I can't believe it.
I've seen gunshot wounds and burn victims.
I even treated a dude who had a a pipe through his eye.
But watching you eat your dinner was the worst thing I've ever seen.
I guess, it's 'cause you care about me so much.
But it looks like it's killing you, so please stop.
Well, I can't not care.
I'm sorry.
All right, look.
I won't eat any more fast food.
No more doughnuts, no more crap.
I'm gonna eat a lot better.
Okay, good.
You're not gonna eat better, are you? No, but I'm gonna try.
And I promise that when I do eat crap and I will you will never know about it.
Thank you, yes.
Is there anything else you hide from me? Oh, no.
This is all you gotta worry about.
See, I don't have to hide anything else like I don't cheat on you because I can just masturbate, right? But for food there's nothing.
What, am I gonna watch the food network? Oh, yeah! Oh, delicious.
Well, that's good to know then.
Hey, guys! - This is good.
- You like the kale? This is the kale? It's actually not that bad.
Huh, Lucy? Psha!