Lunch Monkeys (2009) s01e05 Episode Script
Temp
Whoa, fit bird at two o'clock.
I've got me appraisal at two.
Over there.
Eh, she's not that fit.
Not her.
Her.
Like I could ever get a girl like that.
She's looking at you.
Yeah, right.
She's smiling.
Oh, my God, she's coming over.
God, she is.
What shall I do? Just act cool.
Say hello and then leave.
Hello.
Leave.
Darrel, what the hell are you doing? Will you leave this poor girl alone? She's only been here five minutes.
Sorry.
No, I thought That's your fault, is that.
Oh, look who it is.
Is it, um, Tina? Yeah, so you do still work here, then? I almost forgot because you have so many days off sick.
What was it this time, malaria? Miscarriage.
Oh, right, a miscarriage.
Oh, right.
A miscarriage.
God, no, Tania, I was talking about something else completely.
Something that was a miscarriageof justice.
You tit.
Are you all right? No.
⪠Yes, sir, yes, sir Three bags ⪠What's going on here? I was only gone for five minutes.
What's wrong with Tania? She's lost the baby.
Oh, no.
Nightmare.
Tania.
I know you're upset, but just try and remember where you left it.
It's got to be around here somewhere.
What a tit! SHE SOBS Good morning, Fox Cranford, how can I help? I've got a secret, but if I tell you, you mustn't tell anyone.
Oh, my God, are you really a girl? What? No! You used to be a girl, then you had an operation and you're now a bloke? I've got to get out of here.
I hate it.
It's stifling me.
What about me? You're the only reason I'm still here.
Not cos your dad thinks you're a lawyer? Oh, yeah, cos of that as well.
Hey, check this out.
It's at a modelling agency.
You can't be a model.
I'm not gonna be a model.
I'm well better-looking than you.
You're not.
All right, I'll race you to the top of the stairs.
Whoever wins is the best-looking.
Oh, yeah, because that's a really mature and sensible way of deciding.
After three.
One, two That's cheating! Three.
Are you upset because Mike's going to the toilet? Bastard.
It's not that.
Don't tell anyone, but .
.
that's where me and Charlie first In the bogs? They're not just any bogs.
They're really posh.
Right.
Well, it's just, it's not very romantic, is it? Where did you first do it with Swanny? In an alley.
Bogs are more romantic than alleys.
No, they're not.
Posh bogs are.
It was raining.
It was like a film.
Argh! God, Mike, I'm so sorry.
Oh, Mike, are you OK? What are you doing now, Kenny? We're racing up the stairs to see who's best-looking.
I'm really sorry.
Oh, you will be.
You are in very serious trouble.
Your behaviour is outrageous and dangerous.
You just can't stop messing around, can you? He doesn't care.
He's got a new job, haven't you, Kenny? So he don't need to work here any more.
Is that right, Kenny? I'm very disappointed to hear that, after everything we've done for you.
All that photocopier training, wasted.
I had high hopes for you.
He's gonna be a model.
HE MOUTHS WORDS I take it this is your notice, then.
Well, maybe it's for the best.
A new start somewhere else.
I won! Kenny? So, another two days off sick, then, Tania.
And what a surprise, a Monday and a Tuesday.
Heavy weekend? A few too many Es? Actually it was heroin.
Really? That's why I'm so thin.
You should try it.
Right, then.
Reasons for absence? It's personal.
If you can't trust your office manager, I don't know who you can trust.
I am the height of discretion.
OK Asif's told me about his eczema, Shelley told me about her third nipple, Darrel's little infestation - all your secrets are safe with me.
I had a cold.
Oh.
You are unlucky with them colds, aren't you? That takes your total sickies to, um, 13, which means automatic warning.
As soon as you reach 13 days, it's automatic.
It kicks in automatically.
That's not fair.
Life's not fair, Tania.
It promises so much and delivers so little, and before you know it, you're 40.
Oh, you're never 40.
One more thing.
Because you've been here two years, you are eligible to apply for promotion to a trainee paralegal, which would mean learning how to do law cases.
I've already told Mike that it wouldn't suit you, because you can't spell.
It's just not really you, is it? I mean, filling in the application form's going to be hard enough.
But I'd love to do that.
Aww.
The only problem is, Tania, love, you are having a baby.
What's that got to do with it? Well, how can you apply for promotion if you're going to be away on maternity? You can't do a job if you're not here, can you? Um, I'm not sure that's right.
You'll be all right, Tania, love.
At home with your scratch cards, your chippy teas and your stretchmarks.
I hate copying.
Oh, Shell, you should have seen her.
She was lovely.
If I see her again, I'm going for it.
I reckon she wanted it.
And she's gonna get it.
Darrel, I'm going to tell you this now, as a mate.
You scare people off.
What? You just need to relax and benormal.
OK.
Normal.
Yeah, I could do normal.
It's all right.
Shit, that's her.
OK, be calm.
Be normal.
(Calm.
) Excuse me Why, what have you done? I'm Susan.
I bet you're lazy.
Lazy Susan.
It's a thing on a table.
It spins round.
Don't mind him, that's just Darrel, he's on day release.
I'm Shelley.
What's up? Wazzuuup! I'm a temp.
Temp, hemp, kemp.
Could I, um, leave this copying with you? It's my first day.
I'm just a bit lost.
Sorry, um, secretaries do their own copying.
Oh.
Just, it's quite a lot.
I'll do it.
I love copying.
Oh, thanks.
Oh, that's great.
I'll pop back later.
Later, potater.
He's funny.
Hey, listen to this.
ARMPIT SQUELCHES I don't care what you say, Father, it's my life.
Oh, don't start with that.
I came to see you last week.
No, I'm going now.
⪠La, la-la, la, la, la, la.
⪠Yes? Charlie.
Hi.
I need to tell you something.
No, there's something I need to tell you.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for being such a prat.
You're right.
You're right, I've got issues.
But I'm gonna sort myself out.
I've woken up to myself.
I can change, Tania.
I can change, and I'm going to change for this little fella here.
I can be a good dad.
I can be the bestest daddest ever.
What do you think of that? I lost the baby.
Oh.
Oh.
What are we gonna do? Don't worry.
I'll be fine.
Hello.
All right? Do you want some food? Um, thanks for doing that copying for me.
No problemo.
I wondered if you wanted to go for lunch.
I don't mean to be rude, but are you a bit cross-eyed? Cos you seem to be looking at Darrel, but talking to me.
What? I don't understand.
You want to go for lunch with me? You make me laugh.
No-one's ever asked me for lunch before.
Excuse me, I think there's been some kind of mistake.
Maybe you think I'm out of your league.
But you can still have me, if you play your cards right.
I'm fine with Darrel.
Well, I'll be honest.
Even if you play your cards wrong, you can still have me.
No offence, mate, but I think she's after someone a bit more sophisticated than you.
You need to get revenge before you go.
Yeah, on you, you tit-head.
No, on the firm for all the shit they've done to you.
What, you mean giving us a job with prospects and a salary? Yeah.
Bastards.
My boyfriend, in his last job - well, his only job - when they sacked him, he left a little present on his boss's desk.
That doesn't sound like good revenge.
It'd be better if you did a shit or something.
Yeah, you could do a shit on Mike's desk! Or shit in his desk.
Oh, that'd be wicked.
He might not find it for ages.
Oh, you'll be a hero.
A superhero.
You could be Cack-Man.
I don't want to be Cack-Man.
But you'd have a costume.
It'd be brown and have sweet corn.
I know what you could do.
Right, behind that door is a special toilet only used by the partners.
It's proper posh.
Apparently.
That's wicked.
Way better than shitting on a desk.
Shitting on a toilet? Exactly.
How do you know about this? Someone told me.
Who was it? How did they come to see such a toilet? I can't say.
But it's where they first shagged Charlie.
What are you doing? Reading.
Reading? What you reading? A book.
Oh.
Get you.
Give me a shout if you need any help with the big words.
She's dyslexic.
Um, what does that one say? Hmm'discrimination', Tania.
Oh.
Thanks.
Bless.
Do you want another pasty? I can't believe you've not got a girlfriend.
I've had one before, though.
Loads.
Mainly at primary school.
I'm single too.
Right, that's great.
I mean, great if you want to be single.
I don't.
Not any more.
HE SPLUTTERS Are you all right? No.
My pasty's stuck.
Come on! BOTH LAUGH UNCOMFORTABLY Oh, look, it's a ring.
Shall we get married, then? OK! Ding-dong.
Wedding bells.
This is legally binding.
If you're gonna do this, you've got to do it properly.
It's an opportunity for you to make your mark.
I'm talking pebble dash, right up the bowl.
On the seat if you can.
And no flushing.
I'm not doing it.
It's dangerous.
Yeah, and that's why it's not happening.
Girls like dangerous.
I bet Tania would be impressed.
Oh, yeah, I can see it now.
"Tania, I've just done a cack in Mike's bogs.
"Will you go out with me now?" I got you these.
Chillies.
Sprouts.
I'm not eating them.
Think of Mike's face when he sees the mess.
Think of the glory.
I'm thinking of my arse.
Do you know what? I don't think you could beat me at anything.
Shut up, you can't get me like that.
I'm not doing it.
Remember, I'm better-looking than you.
You're wasting your time.
I'm not a child.
That would appear to be 2-0 to me at chilli-eating.
So, is she your girlfriend, then? Yeah.
Did you get off with her? No.
Got engaged though.
What? She says she loves me.
Is she mad or something? No.
The medication sorted all that out, apparently.
Darrel, you need to be careful.
You don't know anything about this girl except that she's on medication.
And she self-harms.
Oh, God.
She sounds like a nutter.
Yeah.
But she's fit.
And she likes me, Shelley.
A girl actually likes me.
Well, don't say I didn't warn you.
Oh, come on.
You don't look at the self-harm wounds while you're stoking the fire, do you? Anyway, it's nice that you're concerned about me.
Or are you a little bit jealous? No.
What's going on here? Nothing.
I turn my back for five minutes and you're sniffing around the next thing in a skirt.
I wasn't sniffing Shelley.
I thought I could trust you.
But now I find you doing this.
It's over, Darrel.
Susan, no! Waaah! Shut up! Have you dropped the kids off at the pool yet? I can't go with you there.
Come on.
Mike will be back from lunch soon.
Stop it.
You're making me tense.
I would have done it by now.
Shut up.
You're putting us off.
Just push.
Pretend you're having a baby.
Argh! Argh! Get it out! Argh! Are you pooing? No.
I'm pretending I'm having a baby.
Oh, yeah.
It's no good.
I've got to go to me job interview.
You can't give up now.
This is a major moment for oppressed postal workers everywhere.
What happened? I can't smell jobbies.
I can't get it out.
Do you want me to go rub your back like my dad does? No! Is that an orange in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me? Reminds me of the Christmas party.
That definitely wasn't an orange.
Right.
What did you want to see me about? I thought you wanted to see me.
You e-mailed me.
I didn't.
Hiya, you all right? Well, what is this? Is ittea? No, no, this meeting.
What's it about? Oh, sorry.
I'm just a bit nervous.
Oh, it's about Tania messing around and wasting everybody's time again.
No.
It's about my claim for sexual discrimination.
I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry, Darrel.
I'm sorry I ever thought I could trust you.
There's nothing going on with me and Shelley.
Er, I saw you, Darrel.
I saw you TALKING to her.
How do you think that made me feel?Mad? A hammer through my heart.
My love smashed! Like a cracked skull.
It's not like that.
You're the one I want, honestly.
How can I prove it? Cut yourself.
What? If you really love me.
Could I not just send you some flowers instead? OK, yeah.
That will be fine.
So are we back together, then? Yeah.
In fact, I think it's time we took our relationship to the next level, Darrel.
Do you mean tits? We need to be together.
Alone.
To do it.
Oh, God.
Yeah.
I need you, Darrel.
(I'm desperate.
) (Me too.
) Your CV looks fine.
Do you have a driving licence? Yes.
That's good.
One of the key aspects of the job is driving the models around to shoots, parties, that sort of stuff.
Hi, girls.
Come and meet Kenny.
He's here for the admin position.
Oh, my God, he's so cute.
OK, Kenny, it's standard terms really.
Salary's 30 grand a year, six-week holidays, gym membership, usual sort of stuff.
Do you have any questions that you'd like to ask us? Um, yeah.
HE GROANS No.
No, I haven't.
We do have a few more people to see, but you're a very strong candidate.
Oh, what's that smell? II can't smell anything.
Are you OK?Yeah.
Is, eris that it? Yeah.
Thank you for coming in.
FARTS LOUDLY Sorry!Kenny! Er, it's not my fault.
I've had sprouts.
What's he doing?Christ.
It's burning my eye.
Open the bloody window.
FARTS It won't open! Get out.
Everybody just get out.
Sorry.
Sorry, I'm GROANS, FARTS Oh, Christ.
So that's it.
What a shambles.
Not your case, that's very well put together.
But the whole team's a shambles.
There's no leadership.
Well, I don't think that's fair.
I do the jobOf three people.
You tell me that every day.
Christ knows, they must all be in a coma.
Well, I do the job of one person - your boss.
You keep quiet.
I'll do the talking, you listen.
When's the baby due? I had a miscarriage.
That's why I got a warning.
You gave someone a warning for having a miscarriage? It's Tania.
She's making it up.
She'll have been clubbing.
For God's sake.
I have to respect what you've done.
It's just the sort of efficiency I expect from an office manager.
You can sort out the office refurbishment next week.
Do a good job and I'll give you a promotion.
Brilliant.
Mike I'll deal with you in a minute.
You can go now.
Sorryjust one last little thing.
We need to sort out my compensation.
Umwould a couple of grand stop this thing going to a tribunal? SHE LAUGHS Five.
Five?! I don't know what cases you've been reading.
These ones.
Sorry.
I'm a bit nervous.
SHE GIGGLES I've never had sex before.
Sex?Yeah.
We're not doing sex, Darrel.
But I thought you said Sex is dirty and evil.
I knew that you needed my help.
That's why I've come for you.
What?I can cure you.
I don't want to be cured.
That's what they all say.
Why have you got all that stuff? Nothing purifies the soul like physical pain, Darrel.
And you really do need purifying.
Oh, God.
Don't worry.
It's better than sex.
I'm not sure.
SHE SCREAMS Argh! Oh, Gloria, am I pleased to see you.
Darrel, what on earth are you doing to this poor girl? What? No! It's not Are you all right, love? He made me do it.
She's lying.
She's mental.
We're engaged.
I had a crisp.
Darrel, enough of your lies.
Just stop molesting staff.
I am not in the mood for it today.
Just stop it! KNOCK ON DOOR Come in.
Ah, Cack-Man.
Mike.
What a shame you no longer work with us and I am therefore unable to discipline you for lack of trousers.
Can you, um, enlighten me? I, erI shat my pants.
I take it this incident was linked to your job interview? Yeah.
I always thought it was your destiny to shit your pants at work.
I'm surprised it didn't happen here.
Soso can I have my job back? How could I be certain that this won't happen again? Why should I take the risk of employing someone who is clearly clinically incontinent and may see fit to defecate all over the post room as some sort of dirty protest? Please.
I really I really need this job.
It's It's my mum.
She's ill.
And I'llI'll beg you if you want.
OK, OK, you can have your job back, if only to shut Gloria up.
You can go and clear up the mess you made in the partners-only toilet.
That wasn't me.
Kenny, bearing in mind recent events, I feel fairly confident that any shit-related indiscretions will be laid at your door, whether you were involved or not.
Now, might I suggest you find some extra-strong bleach and possibly a face mask? Cheers, Mike.
Oh!You OK? Listen, if Susan comes, just tell her I've gone home.
Too much woman for you? Do you want me to step up? You can have her, mate.
She's barking.
Darrel? Darrel? Oh, Christ, she's coming.
Darrel? Darrel? Darrel? DARREL! Are you looking for Darrel? Where is he? He's gone home.
Tell me where Darrel is.
I don't know where he is.
You just said he'd gone home.
Oh.
There's nothing worse than a liar, is there? Do you know what the punishment for lying is? Is it a fine?It's death.
Now, tell me where Darrel is or I'll cut your bollocks off.
He's in there.
Iwant to keep my bollocks! Darrel! DARREL! HE GROANS HE PANTS Oh, for fu How are you feeling? I'm all right.
I think.
Hmm.
I'm there for you, you know.
I know.
Yes.
I know it's difficult.
But you've got to look on the bright side.
You can do all the things you did before.
You canget pissed.
Go clubbing.
Umand you can eat unpasteurised cheese.
MUMBLING: And we don't need to get married now.
What do you mean?What? I still want to get married.
Don't you? Well It's interesting, actually, cos it's All I'm saying is, is that it's Not straight away.
Oh.
Yeah.
This baby thing, it happened, um, very soon for us.
So I think it made us forget the things we had.
Which were, um .
.
fun things.
I suppose you're right.
We should do something fun together.
That's my girl.
Shall we go back to my office and do it? What? It's just that someone might catch us here.
Ha-ha! You always did like a bit of excitement.
No! Ah, bogs.
Yes, for old time's sake! Charlie, stop it.
No! I think we've got our wires crossed here.
I thought we were going to do somethingnice.
Sex is nice.
I was thinking more a nice meal.
Pizza Express, The Peaches, that kind of thing.
No, no, I can't do tonight.
I'm on the lash with Tobes.
We're having a few sherbets.
There's going to be well, possibly a titty bar.
Charlie!What? I was going to take you out and treat you with my compensation, but you know what? Just forget it.
Kenny, what you doing tonight? Cleaning Mike's bogs.
AFTER you've cleaned Mike's bogs.
Nothing.
You are now.
I'm taking you out.
Are you just using me to get back at him? Yep.
Cool! You will put some trousers on before we go, yeah? Yeah, hopefully, yeah.
All right, mate? I did it! I did it for you, man.
I made a right mess in there.
You could hear him from the corridor.
Brown poetry.
One of the cleaners was sick.
Power to the workers, yeah? Laters.
See you later, mate.
I've got me appraisal at two.
Over there.
Eh, she's not that fit.
Not her.
Her.
Like I could ever get a girl like that.
She's looking at you.
Yeah, right.
She's smiling.
Oh, my God, she's coming over.
God, she is.
What shall I do? Just act cool.
Say hello and then leave.
Hello.
Leave.
Darrel, what the hell are you doing? Will you leave this poor girl alone? She's only been here five minutes.
Sorry.
No, I thought That's your fault, is that.
Oh, look who it is.
Is it, um, Tina? Yeah, so you do still work here, then? I almost forgot because you have so many days off sick.
What was it this time, malaria? Miscarriage.
Oh, right, a miscarriage.
Oh, right.
A miscarriage.
God, no, Tania, I was talking about something else completely.
Something that was a miscarriageof justice.
You tit.
Are you all right? No.
⪠Yes, sir, yes, sir Three bags ⪠What's going on here? I was only gone for five minutes.
What's wrong with Tania? She's lost the baby.
Oh, no.
Nightmare.
Tania.
I know you're upset, but just try and remember where you left it.
It's got to be around here somewhere.
What a tit! SHE SOBS Good morning, Fox Cranford, how can I help? I've got a secret, but if I tell you, you mustn't tell anyone.
Oh, my God, are you really a girl? What? No! You used to be a girl, then you had an operation and you're now a bloke? I've got to get out of here.
I hate it.
It's stifling me.
What about me? You're the only reason I'm still here.
Not cos your dad thinks you're a lawyer? Oh, yeah, cos of that as well.
Hey, check this out.
It's at a modelling agency.
You can't be a model.
I'm not gonna be a model.
I'm well better-looking than you.
You're not.
All right, I'll race you to the top of the stairs.
Whoever wins is the best-looking.
Oh, yeah, because that's a really mature and sensible way of deciding.
After three.
One, two That's cheating! Three.
Are you upset because Mike's going to the toilet? Bastard.
It's not that.
Don't tell anyone, but .
.
that's where me and Charlie first In the bogs? They're not just any bogs.
They're really posh.
Right.
Well, it's just, it's not very romantic, is it? Where did you first do it with Swanny? In an alley.
Bogs are more romantic than alleys.
No, they're not.
Posh bogs are.
It was raining.
It was like a film.
Argh! God, Mike, I'm so sorry.
Oh, Mike, are you OK? What are you doing now, Kenny? We're racing up the stairs to see who's best-looking.
I'm really sorry.
Oh, you will be.
You are in very serious trouble.
Your behaviour is outrageous and dangerous.
You just can't stop messing around, can you? He doesn't care.
He's got a new job, haven't you, Kenny? So he don't need to work here any more.
Is that right, Kenny? I'm very disappointed to hear that, after everything we've done for you.
All that photocopier training, wasted.
I had high hopes for you.
He's gonna be a model.
HE MOUTHS WORDS I take it this is your notice, then.
Well, maybe it's for the best.
A new start somewhere else.
I won! Kenny? So, another two days off sick, then, Tania.
And what a surprise, a Monday and a Tuesday.
Heavy weekend? A few too many Es? Actually it was heroin.
Really? That's why I'm so thin.
You should try it.
Right, then.
Reasons for absence? It's personal.
If you can't trust your office manager, I don't know who you can trust.
I am the height of discretion.
OK Asif's told me about his eczema, Shelley told me about her third nipple, Darrel's little infestation - all your secrets are safe with me.
I had a cold.
Oh.
You are unlucky with them colds, aren't you? That takes your total sickies to, um, 13, which means automatic warning.
As soon as you reach 13 days, it's automatic.
It kicks in automatically.
That's not fair.
Life's not fair, Tania.
It promises so much and delivers so little, and before you know it, you're 40.
Oh, you're never 40.
One more thing.
Because you've been here two years, you are eligible to apply for promotion to a trainee paralegal, which would mean learning how to do law cases.
I've already told Mike that it wouldn't suit you, because you can't spell.
It's just not really you, is it? I mean, filling in the application form's going to be hard enough.
But I'd love to do that.
Aww.
The only problem is, Tania, love, you are having a baby.
What's that got to do with it? Well, how can you apply for promotion if you're going to be away on maternity? You can't do a job if you're not here, can you? Um, I'm not sure that's right.
You'll be all right, Tania, love.
At home with your scratch cards, your chippy teas and your stretchmarks.
I hate copying.
Oh, Shell, you should have seen her.
She was lovely.
If I see her again, I'm going for it.
I reckon she wanted it.
And she's gonna get it.
Darrel, I'm going to tell you this now, as a mate.
You scare people off.
What? You just need to relax and benormal.
OK.
Normal.
Yeah, I could do normal.
It's all right.
Shit, that's her.
OK, be calm.
Be normal.
(Calm.
) Excuse me Why, what have you done? I'm Susan.
I bet you're lazy.
Lazy Susan.
It's a thing on a table.
It spins round.
Don't mind him, that's just Darrel, he's on day release.
I'm Shelley.
What's up? Wazzuuup! I'm a temp.
Temp, hemp, kemp.
Could I, um, leave this copying with you? It's my first day.
I'm just a bit lost.
Sorry, um, secretaries do their own copying.
Oh.
Just, it's quite a lot.
I'll do it.
I love copying.
Oh, thanks.
Oh, that's great.
I'll pop back later.
Later, potater.
He's funny.
Hey, listen to this.
ARMPIT SQUELCHES I don't care what you say, Father, it's my life.
Oh, don't start with that.
I came to see you last week.
No, I'm going now.
⪠La, la-la, la, la, la, la.
⪠Yes? Charlie.
Hi.
I need to tell you something.
No, there's something I need to tell you.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for being such a prat.
You're right.
You're right, I've got issues.
But I'm gonna sort myself out.
I've woken up to myself.
I can change, Tania.
I can change, and I'm going to change for this little fella here.
I can be a good dad.
I can be the bestest daddest ever.
What do you think of that? I lost the baby.
Oh.
Oh.
What are we gonna do? Don't worry.
I'll be fine.
Hello.
All right? Do you want some food? Um, thanks for doing that copying for me.
No problemo.
I wondered if you wanted to go for lunch.
I don't mean to be rude, but are you a bit cross-eyed? Cos you seem to be looking at Darrel, but talking to me.
What? I don't understand.
You want to go for lunch with me? You make me laugh.
No-one's ever asked me for lunch before.
Excuse me, I think there's been some kind of mistake.
Maybe you think I'm out of your league.
But you can still have me, if you play your cards right.
I'm fine with Darrel.
Well, I'll be honest.
Even if you play your cards wrong, you can still have me.
No offence, mate, but I think she's after someone a bit more sophisticated than you.
You need to get revenge before you go.
Yeah, on you, you tit-head.
No, on the firm for all the shit they've done to you.
What, you mean giving us a job with prospects and a salary? Yeah.
Bastards.
My boyfriend, in his last job - well, his only job - when they sacked him, he left a little present on his boss's desk.
That doesn't sound like good revenge.
It'd be better if you did a shit or something.
Yeah, you could do a shit on Mike's desk! Or shit in his desk.
Oh, that'd be wicked.
He might not find it for ages.
Oh, you'll be a hero.
A superhero.
You could be Cack-Man.
I don't want to be Cack-Man.
But you'd have a costume.
It'd be brown and have sweet corn.
I know what you could do.
Right, behind that door is a special toilet only used by the partners.
It's proper posh.
Apparently.
That's wicked.
Way better than shitting on a desk.
Shitting on a toilet? Exactly.
How do you know about this? Someone told me.
Who was it? How did they come to see such a toilet? I can't say.
But it's where they first shagged Charlie.
What are you doing? Reading.
Reading? What you reading? A book.
Oh.
Get you.
Give me a shout if you need any help with the big words.
She's dyslexic.
Um, what does that one say? Hmm'discrimination', Tania.
Oh.
Thanks.
Bless.
Do you want another pasty? I can't believe you've not got a girlfriend.
I've had one before, though.
Loads.
Mainly at primary school.
I'm single too.
Right, that's great.
I mean, great if you want to be single.
I don't.
Not any more.
HE SPLUTTERS Are you all right? No.
My pasty's stuck.
Come on! BOTH LAUGH UNCOMFORTABLY Oh, look, it's a ring.
Shall we get married, then? OK! Ding-dong.
Wedding bells.
This is legally binding.
If you're gonna do this, you've got to do it properly.
It's an opportunity for you to make your mark.
I'm talking pebble dash, right up the bowl.
On the seat if you can.
And no flushing.
I'm not doing it.
It's dangerous.
Yeah, and that's why it's not happening.
Girls like dangerous.
I bet Tania would be impressed.
Oh, yeah, I can see it now.
"Tania, I've just done a cack in Mike's bogs.
"Will you go out with me now?" I got you these.
Chillies.
Sprouts.
I'm not eating them.
Think of Mike's face when he sees the mess.
Think of the glory.
I'm thinking of my arse.
Do you know what? I don't think you could beat me at anything.
Shut up, you can't get me like that.
I'm not doing it.
Remember, I'm better-looking than you.
You're wasting your time.
I'm not a child.
That would appear to be 2-0 to me at chilli-eating.
So, is she your girlfriend, then? Yeah.
Did you get off with her? No.
Got engaged though.
What? She says she loves me.
Is she mad or something? No.
The medication sorted all that out, apparently.
Darrel, you need to be careful.
You don't know anything about this girl except that she's on medication.
And she self-harms.
Oh, God.
She sounds like a nutter.
Yeah.
But she's fit.
And she likes me, Shelley.
A girl actually likes me.
Well, don't say I didn't warn you.
Oh, come on.
You don't look at the self-harm wounds while you're stoking the fire, do you? Anyway, it's nice that you're concerned about me.
Or are you a little bit jealous? No.
What's going on here? Nothing.
I turn my back for five minutes and you're sniffing around the next thing in a skirt.
I wasn't sniffing Shelley.
I thought I could trust you.
But now I find you doing this.
It's over, Darrel.
Susan, no! Waaah! Shut up! Have you dropped the kids off at the pool yet? I can't go with you there.
Come on.
Mike will be back from lunch soon.
Stop it.
You're making me tense.
I would have done it by now.
Shut up.
You're putting us off.
Just push.
Pretend you're having a baby.
Argh! Argh! Get it out! Argh! Are you pooing? No.
I'm pretending I'm having a baby.
Oh, yeah.
It's no good.
I've got to go to me job interview.
You can't give up now.
This is a major moment for oppressed postal workers everywhere.
What happened? I can't smell jobbies.
I can't get it out.
Do you want me to go rub your back like my dad does? No! Is that an orange in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me? Reminds me of the Christmas party.
That definitely wasn't an orange.
Right.
What did you want to see me about? I thought you wanted to see me.
You e-mailed me.
I didn't.
Hiya, you all right? Well, what is this? Is ittea? No, no, this meeting.
What's it about? Oh, sorry.
I'm just a bit nervous.
Oh, it's about Tania messing around and wasting everybody's time again.
No.
It's about my claim for sexual discrimination.
I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry, Darrel.
I'm sorry I ever thought I could trust you.
There's nothing going on with me and Shelley.
Er, I saw you, Darrel.
I saw you TALKING to her.
How do you think that made me feel?Mad? A hammer through my heart.
My love smashed! Like a cracked skull.
It's not like that.
You're the one I want, honestly.
How can I prove it? Cut yourself.
What? If you really love me.
Could I not just send you some flowers instead? OK, yeah.
That will be fine.
So are we back together, then? Yeah.
In fact, I think it's time we took our relationship to the next level, Darrel.
Do you mean tits? We need to be together.
Alone.
To do it.
Oh, God.
Yeah.
I need you, Darrel.
(I'm desperate.
) (Me too.
) Your CV looks fine.
Do you have a driving licence? Yes.
That's good.
One of the key aspects of the job is driving the models around to shoots, parties, that sort of stuff.
Hi, girls.
Come and meet Kenny.
He's here for the admin position.
Oh, my God, he's so cute.
OK, Kenny, it's standard terms really.
Salary's 30 grand a year, six-week holidays, gym membership, usual sort of stuff.
Do you have any questions that you'd like to ask us? Um, yeah.
HE GROANS No.
No, I haven't.
We do have a few more people to see, but you're a very strong candidate.
Oh, what's that smell? II can't smell anything.
Are you OK?Yeah.
Is, eris that it? Yeah.
Thank you for coming in.
FARTS LOUDLY Sorry!Kenny! Er, it's not my fault.
I've had sprouts.
What's he doing?Christ.
It's burning my eye.
Open the bloody window.
FARTS It won't open! Get out.
Everybody just get out.
Sorry.
Sorry, I'm GROANS, FARTS Oh, Christ.
So that's it.
What a shambles.
Not your case, that's very well put together.
But the whole team's a shambles.
There's no leadership.
Well, I don't think that's fair.
I do the jobOf three people.
You tell me that every day.
Christ knows, they must all be in a coma.
Well, I do the job of one person - your boss.
You keep quiet.
I'll do the talking, you listen.
When's the baby due? I had a miscarriage.
That's why I got a warning.
You gave someone a warning for having a miscarriage? It's Tania.
She's making it up.
She'll have been clubbing.
For God's sake.
I have to respect what you've done.
It's just the sort of efficiency I expect from an office manager.
You can sort out the office refurbishment next week.
Do a good job and I'll give you a promotion.
Brilliant.
Mike I'll deal with you in a minute.
You can go now.
Sorryjust one last little thing.
We need to sort out my compensation.
Umwould a couple of grand stop this thing going to a tribunal? SHE LAUGHS Five.
Five?! I don't know what cases you've been reading.
These ones.
Sorry.
I'm a bit nervous.
SHE GIGGLES I've never had sex before.
Sex?Yeah.
We're not doing sex, Darrel.
But I thought you said Sex is dirty and evil.
I knew that you needed my help.
That's why I've come for you.
What?I can cure you.
I don't want to be cured.
That's what they all say.
Why have you got all that stuff? Nothing purifies the soul like physical pain, Darrel.
And you really do need purifying.
Oh, God.
Don't worry.
It's better than sex.
I'm not sure.
SHE SCREAMS Argh! Oh, Gloria, am I pleased to see you.
Darrel, what on earth are you doing to this poor girl? What? No! It's not Are you all right, love? He made me do it.
She's lying.
She's mental.
We're engaged.
I had a crisp.
Darrel, enough of your lies.
Just stop molesting staff.
I am not in the mood for it today.
Just stop it! KNOCK ON DOOR Come in.
Ah, Cack-Man.
Mike.
What a shame you no longer work with us and I am therefore unable to discipline you for lack of trousers.
Can you, um, enlighten me? I, erI shat my pants.
I take it this incident was linked to your job interview? Yeah.
I always thought it was your destiny to shit your pants at work.
I'm surprised it didn't happen here.
Soso can I have my job back? How could I be certain that this won't happen again? Why should I take the risk of employing someone who is clearly clinically incontinent and may see fit to defecate all over the post room as some sort of dirty protest? Please.
I really I really need this job.
It's It's my mum.
She's ill.
And I'llI'll beg you if you want.
OK, OK, you can have your job back, if only to shut Gloria up.
You can go and clear up the mess you made in the partners-only toilet.
That wasn't me.
Kenny, bearing in mind recent events, I feel fairly confident that any shit-related indiscretions will be laid at your door, whether you were involved or not.
Now, might I suggest you find some extra-strong bleach and possibly a face mask? Cheers, Mike.
Oh!You OK? Listen, if Susan comes, just tell her I've gone home.
Too much woman for you? Do you want me to step up? You can have her, mate.
She's barking.
Darrel? Darrel? Oh, Christ, she's coming.
Darrel? Darrel? Darrel? DARREL! Are you looking for Darrel? Where is he? He's gone home.
Tell me where Darrel is.
I don't know where he is.
You just said he'd gone home.
Oh.
There's nothing worse than a liar, is there? Do you know what the punishment for lying is? Is it a fine?It's death.
Now, tell me where Darrel is or I'll cut your bollocks off.
He's in there.
Iwant to keep my bollocks! Darrel! DARREL! HE GROANS HE PANTS Oh, for fu How are you feeling? I'm all right.
I think.
Hmm.
I'm there for you, you know.
I know.
Yes.
I know it's difficult.
But you've got to look on the bright side.
You can do all the things you did before.
You canget pissed.
Go clubbing.
Umand you can eat unpasteurised cheese.
MUMBLING: And we don't need to get married now.
What do you mean?What? I still want to get married.
Don't you? Well It's interesting, actually, cos it's All I'm saying is, is that it's Not straight away.
Oh.
Yeah.
This baby thing, it happened, um, very soon for us.
So I think it made us forget the things we had.
Which were, um .
.
fun things.
I suppose you're right.
We should do something fun together.
That's my girl.
Shall we go back to my office and do it? What? It's just that someone might catch us here.
Ha-ha! You always did like a bit of excitement.
No! Ah, bogs.
Yes, for old time's sake! Charlie, stop it.
No! I think we've got our wires crossed here.
I thought we were going to do somethingnice.
Sex is nice.
I was thinking more a nice meal.
Pizza Express, The Peaches, that kind of thing.
No, no, I can't do tonight.
I'm on the lash with Tobes.
We're having a few sherbets.
There's going to be well, possibly a titty bar.
Charlie!What? I was going to take you out and treat you with my compensation, but you know what? Just forget it.
Kenny, what you doing tonight? Cleaning Mike's bogs.
AFTER you've cleaned Mike's bogs.
Nothing.
You are now.
I'm taking you out.
Are you just using me to get back at him? Yep.
Cool! You will put some trousers on before we go, yeah? Yeah, hopefully, yeah.
All right, mate? I did it! I did it for you, man.
I made a right mess in there.
You could hear him from the corridor.
Brown poetry.
One of the cleaners was sick.
Power to the workers, yeah? Laters.
See you later, mate.