MacGruber (2021) s01e05 Episode Script

1 Vicki.
Vicki, come in! Vicki.
This is fun.
Where are we going? Vicki! Vicki! Vicki, come in! Vicki, do you copy? Shit, her signal's dead.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Okay, Checkers, looks like Vicki is forcing us to go with plan B.
And I'm not talking about the morning-after pill, which I have used several times after one night stands and a few times with long-term relationships in which I just wasn't ready to make that kind of commitment yet.
But no, the other plan B, an alternate plan to plan A, which Vicki just fucking torpedoed like a Russian U-boat.
Right.
Ooh, driving fast.
Got her.
They're in a black SUV heading east on Bayshore.
Shit, Checkers, meet at the Miata, stat! Vicky, Vicky, do you copy? Do you copy? Vicky, do you copy? Oh, thank God.
I copy.
Sorry, I just have to clear my throat.
Oh, gotcha, Vicki! Okay, look, we lost your 20.
So any information you could sneak us would be a big help.
Keep it down back there.
Sorry.
I get carsick if I don't sing to myself in an American accent.
Doing a great job, Vick.
But can you give us anything more specific? Gravel road? She must've left downtown.
All right, that's great, Vick.
You're in silver medal territory, but we're going for the gold.
Got it.
I know where she is.
Nice, Checkers.
Vicki, we're on our way.
There's only one active rail line near the old wrecking yard.
This has to be the place.
Bingo.
They must've already taken her inside.
Shit! All right, Checkers.
Time to pump the bump.
MacGruber, we have no idea what we're up against in there.
I think it's time to call the cavalry.
Checkers we are the fucking cavalry.
I overextended it.
Hang on.
Let me get the key in here.
Dr.
Poliskaya.
It is a pleasure to finally meet you.
And a very pleasure to meet you, Mr.
I've been such a fan of yours since Oslo.
Oslo.
Well, we should probably get to work.
Great.
Let me show you to the lab.
Vicki, we made it inside.
Look, this may be your last chance.
We can provide cover fire, okay? So just make a break for it and head for us.
We're roughly, like, 10 feet above you, right? At your, like, 7:00 a.
m.
Pacific Standard Time.
No, no, no, no, no, like, 6:00 a.
m.
? So 7:00 a.
m.
Mountain Standard Time.
No, Checkers, would you say this is 7:00? We're upstairs.
Checkers, don't confuse her! Vicki, I am so sorry about him.
So, like, 7:00-ish and maybe 12 feet.
Wait, wait, wait, Vicki! Vicki, Vicki, Vicki, Vicki! Vicki, Vicki, Vicki, Vicki! Vicki, Vicki, Vicki! Vicki, Vicki, Vicki! Vicki, Vicki, Vicki! Vicki, Vicki shit! She turned off her ear thingy.
Oh, no, damn it! Nice going, Checkers! Sorry.
I think you'll find that everything is exactly to your specifications.
Yes.
I very hope it's acceptable.
Mm-hmm.
Ah, little refrigerator.
Nope.
Hmm.
Something else.
These are good for looking at small things.
Mm-hmm.
Use a lot of cabinets for my tubes.
Ah, this is missing, um, s Oh! There it is.
Then I guess we are, as you say, very set to jet.
Shit.
What's the play here? What's the fucking play? Maybe we just stand down.
It looks like it's working.
What happens when she destroys Brimstone? They'll kill her! I know this is difficult, but like you said, Vicki's a soldier.
This is her call.
No! MacGruber! Where are you going? Shit.
So where is the item? I thought you'd never ask.
Freeze! Make one more move and I'll blow your fucking hands off and then use the remaining bullets to explode your fucking head! Put your fucking hands up, woman! And not a move from anyone else.
Hello, Lon, Baker, Bex, other assorted pieces of fucking shit.
That woman is not who you think she is.
She's not a Russian scientist, but rather an American soldier.
That man is insane.
He does not know what he's talking about.
Her sole intention is to get ahold of Brimstone and destroy it.
And unless you want that to happen, you will do exactly as I say.
Now, Lon, slowly raise your gun and point it at Vicki's head.
Point your gun at her head or I will shoot her in the head! Slowly.
Good boy.
Nice job.
Now, if she so much as breathes in the direction of that canister, you empty those clips into her, all right? Hang on.
BRB.
- All right.
- Jesus.
Yeah, yeah.
What's this here, you wonder.
This is the real Irina Poliskaya! Yeah, we were able to switch her out at the hotel.
And you dumb pieces of shit had no idea.
Yeah, we fucking pwned you so hard.
Now I propose a little trade.
So what do you say, you wanna let Vicki go? Continue Queeth's evil plan? Or you wanna kill Vicki and make me kill Irina and probably most of you, and then everyone's gotta go to a bunch of funerals? How do we know she's the real scientist? Say some fucking science shit.
Weaponizing the compounds depends on the practical aerosolization, which is synthesis of exactly 0.
74 microns per million.
Checks out.
Now you go.
Cooking an egg is a science.
Folding towels is a science.
Okay, you can have her.
Send over the real scientist first.
No fucking way! You send Vicki first, then I send the scientist.
- No deal.
- Fuck! Okay, same timesies? Fine, but if anything funny happens She's dead.
You took the words right out of my mouth.
I mean, I was literally about to say, "If anything funny happens, the scientist dies.
" I mean, it's not exactly the same, but same gist.
Let's get on with this! Okay, so, ladies, let's start walking in three, two, one.
Walk.
He said, "Walk.
" You don't have to do this.
Go to hell.
Eat a toilet sandwich! - What? - I don't know.
Run, Vicki! Vicki, stay down! You're safe now! Oh, oh, oh! Checkers, Checkers, we're out of ammo! Where the hell are you? God damn it, Checkers, we're sitting ducks here! What's the fucking play here? Hey, Lon! You better check yourself! We got, uh, plenty of bullets over here! No, we don't! He's lying! Vicki! You're gonna believe her? A known liar who just lied to your face? Or are you gonna believe this? Kill them.
Oh, fuck! We're gonna die! Checkers! Lon, no! Lon! Lon, no! Get in! Oh, my God, Checkers! Did you break my Club? Just get in the fucking car! It's my car, I'm driving! Jesus Christ! Ow! What the hell are you doing? Oh, my God, MacGruber! Why are we going backwards? MacGruber, what are you doing? We should be going after Brimstone! Yeah, we can't let them escape! Relax.
They're not going anywhere.
They got a whirlybird.
A helicopter.
Shit.
Thought we were gonna lose you there for a second.
Glad you're okay.
I'm out.
Out? What what do you mean "out"? I'm finished.
I'm off the mission.
But Vicki, we had them right where we want them.
Running scared.
I almost had Brimstone! I almost stopped this entire thing! And you would've died! Yeah, and now millions of people are gonna die because you didn't let me do my job! I couldn't let you do that.
That wasn't your decision to make! No, I'm not gonna do this anymore.
It's time to bring in the government.
Oh, I see.
So when the going gets tough, the tough run back to their floppy-dicked husbands.
Okay, I am not gonna have you talk about my husband like that anymore.
Come on, he's a friggin' dirty diaper with arms, legs, and half a brain.
Barrett is a good man who is kind and decent and good at what he does.
And you know what, unlike you, he actually listens to me.
You could learn something from him.
Well, look at that.
I'm having déjà vu.
What is that supposed to mean? It means you've left me before.
And I remember how it feels.
Sitting in prison, scared, lonely, and a man in a suit comes to deliver me divorce papers? Yeah, that was fun.
You ended our marriage when you pointed at me during your murder trial and said, "She did it!" But you did do it, Vicki! You stole my heart and you aided and abetted in making me the happiest man on Earth.
But they mistook my words as an accusation 'cause it came so close to the question the judge had just asked about how I pleaded.
Goodbye, MacGruber.
You know what, Vicki? Maybe I was wrong about you.
Maybe you are just a housewife.
You know, for years, whenever anyone ever said anything bad about you And they did I defended you.
So maybe I was wrong about you.
Maybe you have lost it.
Heck, maybe you never had it in the first place.
And then there were two.
- I'm out.
- Checkers, no! MacGruber, this whole operation has gone worse than I ever imagined.
And I had imagined it going horribly.
This is over.
Checkers sorry, Piper, Piper! Look, Piper.
Please.
Queeth destroyed my father.
He killed my mother.
You gotta help me stop him.
Look, I can't do anything about your family.
But if you love this country as much as you say you do, you'll go to Fasoose and tell him everything.
But Vicki's already doing that.
Then I guess I'll see her there.
She was beautiful, wasn't she? She was.
Hello, Father.
Hello, son.
Didn't think I'd ever see you again.
So you got my letter.
I did.
It was hard to read.
Yeah, there was a lot of emotional stuff in there.
No, I mean your handwriting was barely legible.
Sounds like me.
I miss her.
I miss her too.
Daddy do you think I'm good at what I do? Why? What's going on? Oh.
What's wrong? I screwed up.
I screwed up big-time! I basically gave the friggin' bad guys everything they need to destroy the fucking world! And now Piper and Vicki have left the mission.
They even told me they think I've lost it.
And I don't know.
Maybe they're right.
And the worst part about it it's Queeth, Daddy.
It's fucking Queeth! There, there.
Let it all out.
We'll get through this together.
I just you know, I always wanted to make you proud.
But I failed.
And I'm so sorry for letting you down.
Look at me.
Look at me.
You never let me down.
In fact I always felt like I let you down.
No.
No.
You lift me up higher than the highest mountaintop.
Daddy, you're my hero.
MacGruber, can I get real with you? Like, really, really real? You're my hero.
And you always have been.
What? You're my good boy.
And I'm so proud to be your daddy.
Well, I'm about to make you even prouder.
What are you doing? I'm going after Queeth.
No.
No, please.
It's too dangerous.
I have to do something! Yes, you do! And I think you already know what it is.
Turn yourself in.
You know I can't do that! You have no other choice! What, you want me to just give up? You want Queeth to win? I want Queeth to burn in hell for eternity! Then why won't you let me do this? Because I already had to bury your mother, and I don't wanna bury you too.
Turn yourself in, son.
Only way I'll know Queeth can't get to my baby boy.
Please do this.
For me.
For her.
Okay.
Okay.
She would be so proud of you.
Now go be Daddy's little hero.
Hm.
They say that the footsteps of the "Apollo" astronauts will stay there on the moon for 100 million years.
And it makes you think, wonder where we'll be then.
Guess you know why I'm here.
Thought I'd save you the trouble.
Shall we? Soldier! You know, Victoria and Dixon Piper paid me a visit earlier.
They told me about how you led Queeth's team to the weapon.
How you gave it up without a fight.
How you personally put the enemy in a position to synthesize it.
That's exactly what happened.
They also told me that you put yourself in harm's way, risked your own life to save Victoria's.
Is that accurate? Yes.
Mac, as a career military man, I'm forced to look at your actions as complete and utter insubordination.
An offense which requires your immediate court-martial.
But as a husband I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Let's just call it even.
Sir, I'm so sorry.
I'd never forgive myself if I didn't ask, though.
Is there any way I can be of service? - MacGruber - Look, I know I've been a bit of a loose cannon.
But what if I was a tight cannon? Operating under your command in whatever capacity you see fit.
Hell, I'd take you to the fucking prom if it helped bring down Queeth.
I'm sorry, Mac.
Fuck! You have any idea what it's like to see your mother's brains splatter all over your face and cake? Or what it's like to come back from deployment to find your dad giving hand jobs to crack dealers for his next crack rock? Queeth fucking broke us! He broke us.
Please! I'm begging you! I am fucking begging you.
Please.
I'll jack you off.
Just right here.
You can come on my face.
All right? Is that what you want? Then I want it too.
All right, come on, please.
Come on, please.
Come on me.
Come on my face.
Come on my face.
- Hi, General! - Hey, yeah! Hey, Jerry.
Why won't you just come on me? Good to see you.
Good night.
I'm begging you! Get up, Mac.
You didn't get those from me.
Queeth's location? It's a dead zone, and yet, there's a persistent heat signature that suggests the presence of anywhere from 50 to 100 hostiles.
Tomorrow, we've scheduled a drone strike at 2100 hours.
- That's 9:00 p.
m.
- 9:00 p.
m.
, yep! Yes, yes.
9:00 p.
m.
- Prime time.
- Sure, whatever.
Listen, Mac, if you get yourself in there, Queeth's almost as good as yours.
But that strike is gonna happen no matter what.
We are not going to risk Queeth escaping a second time.
You hear me? I don't know what to say, General.
But if I did probably sound a lot like thank you.
After everything that you've done for our country, the least we can do is offer you a chance to get some closure.
I won't let you down.
Hello, Vicki.
- MacGruber, you shouldn't be - Vicki, wait.
There are a few things I need to get off my chest, and I don't have much time.
I'm listening.
I need you to know that I'm sorry.
I mean, the only reason that I lied about you in court was 'cause I wanted you there in prison with me.
Because I didn't know how to live without you.
There are so many things I wish I could change about the past, but I can't.
You're not my property.
Not anymore.
Thank you for saying that.
We had an electric love.
But that was years ago.
And I'm so happy that you've moved on and found new love with Barrett.
I have moved on.
And I'm happy that you've realized that.
- I do.
- I mean, it's not like I think about you every night and pine for your touch.
No.
Staring into my husband's eyes wishing they were yours.
Kissing him and imagining your perfect lips and tongue dancing with mine flicking, groping, asking - answering.
- Of course not.
Tongues intertwined, twisted, coiled liked two serpents.
Like the two snakes on that medical doctor symbol.
I don't know that one.
When I'm intimate with my husband, I do not yearn for your sharp scent.
No.
I don't close my eyes and trace Barrett's testicles with my tongue, remembering every wrinkle and pimple on yours.
- No.
- And I don't round the horn with my mouth and nose, hoping to helplessly fall down your rabbit hole like Alice in the looking glass, forgetting myself, forgetting everything, becoming at once tiny and giant, losing myself in your musky, damp, verdant life-giving earth.
You don't do any of those things.
I feel free.
I'm so happy that you feel that same freedom.
- Praise be.
- Amen.
Now before I go, there's something I want you to have.
Your locket? It's saved my life countless times.
Look inside.
- Are these - Your pubic hairs? Yes.
MacGruber.
After the first night we made love, I found a bunch of those bad boys in your underpants.
So one by one, I plucked out the freshest, and I bought that beautiful locket to house them.
I've worn that around my neck ever since.
Every time the world feels like it's caving in around me, I just touch that locket, think about what's inside and the woman they were attached to.
Me.
And I'm whole again.
That's the power you have.
You did that.
You! But that locket, that's not mine anymore.
That's Barrett's locket now.
And I want you to give that to him and tell him the story that I just told you word-for-word when you do.
I will.
Well Smell you later, Vick.
And I mean that with every fiber of my being.
I will smell you later.
Hope you motherfuckers are ready.
'Cause MacGruber's coming for you.
Later today.
Or, uh, tonight.
Night's probably better.
Probably tonight.
Probably tonight.