Mad About You s01e05 Episode Script

So this guy was there.
In 1939 he was in the stands selling peanuts.
On Lou Gehrig Day, he was there.
You know Lou Gehrig, right? Gary Cooper, Pride of the Yankees? So this guy Vacky-- Is that a name, right? Vacky.
I never heard a name like Vacky.
He's been a peanut vendor in Yankee Stadium since he's 1 5.
He's got stories that'll just kill you.
In 1960-- Ready for this? He and Yogi Berra went to see The Sound of Music together.
I mean that's-- - Hey, you're not even listening.
- I am listening.
- What did I say? - You were talking for a month.
Yeah.
About what? About some Gary Cooper movie and how it was nuts to compare it to The Sound of Music.
- That's just so wrong.
- I'm sorry.
I'm in a major work mode here.
My meeting's tomorrow.
If PBS buys my documentary, that's gonna put me in a whole new category.
If I nab this account, it's gonna put me in a whole new office with windows.
Look at this face.
That's a face that's seen a lot of history.
DiMaggio drove a Buick.
Hated it.
You know why he kept it? 'Cause she liked it.
Marilyn Monroe.
- Honey, please.
- Wait.
You gotta see this.
Get your peanuts here! Get your peanuts here! Oh, yeah.
I was the first.
I mean, a lot of guys said "Get your peanuts here, " but I was the first to do it as one word.
So PBS is doing this whole thing on the 70th anniversary of Yankee Stadium.
- You know, the house that Ruth built.
- Ruth who? Gordon.
Ruth Gordon built Yankee Stadium.
You're not paying attention.
You're being incredibly self-involved.
If I'm so self-involved, how come I'm making you a cup of tea? - I don't want a cup oftea.
- Maybe I do.
Must everything revolve around you? Tell me why I love you like I do Tell me who Can start my heart as much as you Let's take each other's hand As we jump into the final frontier I'm mad about you, baby Yeah You know what I like about you, Murray? You listen.
You pay attention.
You know, you care that I make documentaries which is ironic 'cause that's something your people can't even do.
Rick, this isJamie.
I just realized you never gave me my media kit for the Computron pitch.
Because you have no thumbs.
You see, that's-- That's a big structural flaw.
You'll find that most documentaries are made byyour higher primates while your people you just sniffeach other socially.
I don't want to hear it! Drag your disorganized butt out of bed and fax it to me right now! Wow! Wow, I have never been more scared in my whole life.
- What? - You spoke harshly to your underling.
I happen to be under a lot of pressure.
- I know that.
- No, you don't.
If it doesn't involve you directly, you're not interested.
I'm not interested? How can you say that? Tell me the name ofthis account I've been trying to nail for three months.
- What is this, a pop quiz? - Tell me.
Must I constantly prove my love to you? You have no idea what I do.
- You're in public relations.
- Which means I do what? It means you relate publicly.
You're an embarrassment to husbands everywhere.
- Like you really know what I do.
- I do.
- You thinkyou do.
- You set a budget, book the crew scout locations, schedule edit time rush a video master to your client moments before your deadline.
If I work so hard, what do you gotta fight with me for? I hate tea.
I'm gonna make a pot ofcoffee.
Phone! Phone! If I'm saying it's the phone, why won't you believe me? What's my motive to lie? Hello.
Dr.
Devenow.
That was like nine rings.
I thought somebody tied you up in a closet.
That could never happen here.
We have a security system.
However, in the foyer, there's this blind spot.
- Mark, I don't have a lot oftime.
- Wait.
Ryan wants to say hello.
Ryan, Uncle Paul wants to say hello.
You're not my uncle.
That's very true, Ryan.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
Bert and Ernie caught a mosquito.
Good for them.
Okay, put Daddy on.
- Mommymade cereal.
- Your mother's a fine homemaker.
Do your song.
- Doyouknow the muffin man - Nosong.
Ryan? I'll give you a thousand dollars to put your daddy on.
Muffin man Doyouknow the muffin man Ryan, the muffin man's dead.
- What's the matter with Ryan? - I don't know.
Hejust started crying.
You really should have that checked.
Listen, I got a quick question foryou.
When Fran hadJamie's job, what did she do? Same thing thatJamie does.
- Specifically.
- I don't know.
I never asked her.
-Ask hernow.
-J ust askJamie what she does.
I can't do that, 'cause then she'll think I don't know.
- Fran! - Don't tell her it's for me.
But this is so out ofthe blue.
She's gonna be suspicious.
You andJamie having a fight? Because I know this whole thing is gonna escalate and then I'm gonna get in trouble.
You're not gonna get in trouble.
J ust ask her.
All right, all right.
Fran! - Yes! - What doesJamie do at Farrar-Gantz? Why? - I n case it ever comes up.
- The same thing I used to do.
- Same thing that Fran used to do.
- Who are you talking to? - Nobody.
- Is that Paul? No.
Who is it? Paul.
Letme talk to Ryan.
Ryan, I suggest you run away as soon as possible.
Rick, you're my wife's assistant.
That makes you my assistant-in-law.
Come on.
Work with me on this.
You gotta know the name ofthe account.
- You should be ashamed ofyourself.
- Back off.
Huh? What do you mean, you can't release that kind of infor-- I'm gonna hit this guy.
How big are you? Really? All right, Rick.
Listen, thanks.
That's the same mistake Orson Welles made with Rita Hayworth.
- He didn't take an interest.
- You knew Orson Welles? As much as any man could.
I remember saying to him, "Orson a marriage is more important than a montage.
Rita's needy and she's getting restless.
" So, what, you know everything your wife does at work, right? Well, I know enough to fake it.
You don't even know that much.
You wanna cue up the end ofthe film? J ust one more time, for fun.
Humor me.
George Steinbrenner.
Bless his heart.
Formy50th anniversary with the New York Yankees hegave me this brand-new Toyota "Camarary" there.
It'sstanding right over there.
Yousee the licenseplate? "NUTS 1.
" - Whataguy.
- I still say we should've cut it.
I mean, why should we spread rumors that George Steinbrenner's a nice guy? It's a little sentimental, but that's what PBS wants.
- Stace, what do you think? - You really wanna know? - No.
Go ahead.
- I thinkyou're a lousy husband.
- About the film.
- I thinkyou sold out.
Go back to the marriage thing then.
Hello.
Buchman Films.
It's PBS.
I'm sorry.
He's on the other line with the coast right now-- You go help somebody else's career.
- Al, how you doin'? - Scorsese's holding on line three.
Right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Uh-oh.
No, I understand.
It was just a little piece we had.
I thought maybe ifyou could use it, but-- No, no hard feelings at all.
I appreciate it.
Okay.
Right.
You know what PBS stands for? "Pretentious, boring snobs.
" Maybe the day will get better.
Maybe your wife will blow that account.
Boy, ifshe would do that for me, that would be great.
Who says I'm a bad husband? We got the flowers and champagne.
That's ifshe gets the account.
I n case she blew it, we got Maalox, a little Tylenol.
Then we got Haagen-Dazs, which, frankly, could go either way.
I did it.
I did it.
I did it.
I won, I won, I won! So did you get the account? I blew Shapiro and Cahill out ofthe water.
Go back to Boston, you slimeballs.
You know what I like about you? You don't gloat.
Congratulations.
Oh, they're beautiful.
They'll grow.
No, they're perfect.
And I deserve them! All right.
Enough about me.
I won, I won, I won! Okay.
How was your day? I had a really nice Reuben sandwich for lunch.
- Lean, very lean.
- Did you hear from PBS? Yeah, they passed, but let me tell you about this Reuben.
- I'm sorry.
- It happens.
So you pulled it off.
That's so great.
Tell me everything.
No, it's just an account, really.
Tell me about your Reuben.
Honey, don't do that.
J ust tell me.
No, I'm serious.
It's no big deal.
Congratulations! There she is, our little tycoon.
J ust remember, we knew you when.
- She's a mogul! - I know! Can you believe it? It's just another account.
Are you kidding? I am so proud ofyou.
This is so fantastic! The thing is that Fran spent three years trying to land that account.
Three years and nothing.
And then boom! Jamie waltzes in, and bingo! The ironic thing is thatJamie starts out as Fran's assistant.
- And then-- - Snookie, get me a drink! - What do you feel like? - Anything.
J ust go.
Snookie's in trouble.
Not if I get the drink right.
We are so happy foryou.
I went crazy at Zabar's.
Out ofcontrol.
Oh, boy, a party.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
Are you okay? - I'm fine.
- Good, 'cause I feel like partying.
- I won, I won, I won! - Try to cheer up a little bit.
Oh, honey, come on.
We're a team.
We're like the Yankees.
You strike out, but I hit a home run.
Tomorrow I'll strike out, and you'll hit a home run.
- Then let's have the party tomorrow.
- Forget it.
- Here you go, sweetheart.
How's this? - Wrong.
I'm so proud ofyou! I told you you'd get it.
No, you didn't.
You said they'd give it to some guy.
Oh, that was just my bitter inner child talking.
Come on.
Let's eat.
- What's with you? - Nothing.
PBS passed on my film.
Oh, God, that's terrible.
I had my hopes up.
Always a mistake.
Now I'm depressed.
Welcome to my world, Paul.
How do you like it? Not so much.
But it's all right.
I'm gonna bounce back.
No, you won't.
- Not at first.
- No, I'm saying eventually.
First you start to obsess, okay? Then the more you obsess, the more you relive it until one dayyou wake up, you realize you haven't been out of bed in a month.
I have so much pain inside me that I can cry at will.
- You're in therapy, right? - Oh, yeah.
Honey, what are you doing? I'm making crushed ice for the party.
- For a half hour? - I'm making it from scratch.
- Honey, comejoin us.
- I'm fine.
- You should go back to the party.
- It's not a party.
Limbo! Where's the broom? Limbo! There's the broom.
How low can you go? How low can you go? Well, I bought you a little present.
What is this for? To celebrate our success.
I couldn't have done it without you.
You! Wow.
A Yankee program? From the 1 956 World Series.
It's autographed.
No kidding.
"Best wishes, Ethel Merman"? She sang the national anthem that day.
- Don't you like it? - Thankyou.
- It's great.
- What? - No, nothing.
- What? Tell me.
Nothing.
It's just-- Every time I look at that now, I'm gonna be reminded of my failure.
Why can't you let it remind you of my success? Because your success reminds me of my failure.
You're welcome.
Look, I know you didn't mean to be insensitive.
And I know you didn't mean to be a sulky, whiny baby.
There's a gynecologist limboing in your living room.
We're celebrating.
I got that big account I was working on.
Computron? All right, Stemple! How come you didn't tell me about this? - How big a bonus are we talking here? - Big.
Selby, did I mention on the phone to you that PBS passed on my film and I'm having a sucky day? That's what's perfect about you guys.
You dropped the ball, she picks it up and she scores.
And they're even getting me a StairMaster for my new office.
Great! You'll be more successful and have a tighter butt than me.
I hate you! No explanation.
Theyjust said, "Sorry, it's not for us.
" You know what I say? To hell with PBS.
They can forget about my pledge.
Let them keep their lousy tote bag.
You know, Mark? You're my only friend.
Really? Want to have lunch tomorrow? I had a big Reuben sandwich today, and I'm gonna savor that for a while.
I understand.
How 'bout dinner? No.
I'm gonna show you something.
I want your honest opinion.
Oh, look at that face.
Oh, that guy is a find.
- Yeah, they call him Vacky.
-J ust Vacky? J ust Vacky.
I mean, look at him! - How can you not love a face like that? - That's what I'm sayin'.
- That face, that's baseball.
- Exactly.
It's peanuts, Americana.
Fran! Fran, come over here.
Take a look at this.
See the way the shadows fall across left field like that? Very arty.
I can't believe the schmoes didn't love this.
I am writing a letter.
You know, we should really go out and celebrate tomorrow.
- How 'bout lunch? - The Russian Tea Room? I don't wanna have tea for lunch.
They have food, Selby.
Yeah, it's a big fancy restaurant.
- Gotta wear a tie? - They'll give you one.
Cool.
- So we're really on-- - Selby, get over here.
Paul needs you.
What do you think Mom is gonna say? "That's wonderful, darling.
When are you and Paul gonna have kids?" You're probably right.
I am right.
I already talked to her.
That's what she said.
I think maybe we should go talk to Paul.
I n case you haven't noticed, everyone in this room is talking to Paul.
- Well, he's sad.
- Well, I'm happy.
Then let's go cheer him up.
I can't believe that they pass up Vacky for Alistair Cooke.
Like anybody watches that British malarkey.
Lousy scone heads.
- Life is so unfair.
- Nobody ever gets what they deserve.
I do.
- Does anybody want any more pâté? - Ah, who can eat? You guys, I have a great idea.
Let's jump in a couple ofcabs and go christen my new office.
- The view at night is amazing.
- It's kinda late.
I'm telling you, Paul, all great artists go through this.
They only appreciate you afteryou're dead.
See, you've got something to look forward to.
Have you seen this movie? Paul, you are brilliant.
-Jamie, tell Paul he's brilliant.
- You're brilliant.
See? I'm up and I'm interested.
It's too late.
Hey, don't ever do that again.
- What? - I was worried sick.
That must be whyyou dozed off.
- Where the hell were you? - I went up to my new office.
- How was it? - Big and empty.
How was your defeat party? Lousy.
Selby left then Fran lectured.
Your sister binged and moaned.
Sunday-- ask me what I'm doing.
I have to play golfwith Mark and two obstetricians.
See? God punished you.
All right, I deserved it.
I was unsupportive and selfish.
You reward this kind of behavior? What do you think I was doing all day sitting in my office wondering if PBS was gonna buyyour peanut movie? It's not the same.
If I were you, I wouldn't have come back tonight.
- Come on.
- I'm serious.
You should've left me.
Stop it.
I took a glorious day in your life and I shattered it.
Yes, you did.
I mean, that's worse than if I were having an affair.
To me it's not.
Whatever.
You really should never let me treat you like that again.
You're forgiven.
You're forgiven.
I'm really sorry.
I got it.
You know, when I was single, I got to be happy whenever I was happy.
I guess now I only get to be happy during that subset oftimes when you're happy too.
I'm always happy with you.
Even when I'm miserable.
So I'm confused.
Are we happy or not? Overall, yes.
I missed you today.
I missed you too.
Wanna show me your film? Stop.
You've seen it a million times.
I know, and I love it, especially the ending.
I changed the ending.
Let me show you.
Lou Gehrig's wife came to everygame.
He was the luckiestman on the face ofthe Earth.
Nah, thesecondluckiest.