Mad Love s01e05 Episode Script

Some people say the hardest part of a new relationship is learning to trust.
- Close your eyes.
- Why? Just do it.
Others say it's learning to compromise.
Okay.
So you know how I like chocolate and you like vanilla? Well He bought you a black and white cookie.
Can you guys just stop this stuff? But I say the real hard part of a relationship is when you have to start hanging out with each other's best friends, especially when that best friend is Her.
- Hey, Connie.
- Hi.
Guess I was wrong about you.
You're all wet, but you haven't melted.
Oh, I get it.
I'm the Wicked Witch of the West! What does that make you, the house that falls on me? Oh, you'd love that, wouldn't you? - I'd be dead.
- Mm.
If I did things right, yeah.
I am so sorry.
I did it again! It's just since we're roommates, I thought how much fun would it be if we had the exact same laptop? Super fun! Almost as much fun as coming to Midtown on my day off in the rain! I wouldn't have had you bring it here, but all my notes were on there.
Plus, we've such different taste in porn Well, at least we can have lunch together.
Yes, we can.
But not today.
I've got to run to a meeting, so the very least I can do is buy you lun a pack of gum.
- Bye.
- Bye.
I was just about to order if you wanna join me.
Oh, I would but I have to get to work.
You just said it was your day off.
Yeah All right.
Gotta go.
Kate.
I thought you were eating at the deli.
I was going to, but then something weird happened.
I think Connie just blew me off.
So what was the weird thing? Why wouldn't Connie want to have lunch with me? It's probably just 'cause you guys haven't hung out alone that much, and she thought it might be uncomfortable.
How can it be uncomfortable with me? I don't know if you know this, Kate, but people kind of love me.
Oh, you forgot your newspaper.
Thank you, Ruth.
You are the greatest.
No, you are, sweetheart.
[Laughing.]
Oh! See what I'm saying? What is this? It's a case file I need you to proof.
- There are no words on this.
- I meant write.
It's a case file I need you to write.
So hey, listen, remember how I told you to slap me if I was ever thinking about calling Claire? Well, don't slap me but I'm thinking about calling Claire.
Oh, my God! What the hell! You also told me to slap you even if you told me not to slap you.
I did say that, didn't I? Oh, my God.
I was thinking about all the good times that Claire and I had together.
There were no good times together.
You were so happy when you finally got rid of her.
- I kinda miss her.
- No, you don't.
She's the most annoying person ever.
Ugh! How much longer are we gonna stay out? I am so tired! And my feet are just swollen from all the salt I've been eating.
Plus, it is bright in here.
Aw! The zipper on my purse broke! She's not that bad.
Okay, come on, see, this is exactly what you do.
You get lonely, you forget someone's bad qualities, you think you miss them, so you get together, it's awful, and you instantly regret it.
Listen, Claire has plenty of great qualities, all right? - Such as - Her grating voice, her little princess tattoo, her obsession with candles, her obsession with Costco, her inability to talk about anything except candles and Costco.
You're right.
I'm calling her.
What? No! Hang up! Hang up! It's ringing! Shh hah, hah shh! Claire, it's Larry.
Hi.
So I was just calling to see if, you know, you wanted to Maybe hang out or something? Yeah.
I'd love to go to TGI Fridays with you.
I'm sure any color scarf would be Yellow's good.
Yellow's very good.
Yellow is really good.
Green you're right.
Green would be better.
Yellow or green.
Both good.
Both equallyGood.
I'll see you tonight.
Oh How could you let me call her? Our love is volatile, chemical anything but typical I want you badly love you madly I love you madly - Hey, Connie.
- Hey.
Your mama's here! You know how you said if I ever needed a favor, - I should just ask? - That doesn't sound like me.
A client of Bernie's needs some help with their two kids on Tuesday, and I told her we would love to watch them.
We as in you and me? Yes.
You and me.
Except I won't be here.
So more just you.
Four kids is a lot to handle.
But imagine if I had another set of twins.
Are you having another set of twins? Nope.
That's the great news.
- I'm confused.
- All you need to know is that I'm not having twins, and you're watching four kids on Tuesday.
And possibly Wednesday.
One little date with Claire, she thinks I'm her boyfriend.
Why did I invite her here tonight? What did she say? She said, "Hey, party people.
Had so much fun.
Almost to the bar.
Letter 'c' letter 'u' soon.
" Does she think you're more than one party person? - Sounds like a catch.
- Oh, really? When was your last date? Point, Munsch.
It's weird to me that your last name describes exactly what you doMunsch.
Well, doesn't everyone's? I mean, aren't you Connie "Dies Alone"? I'm not drunk enough to be near you.
- Where you going? - To talk to Connie.
I think it's very sweet that you're trying to be friends with Connie, but you know I'm gonna like you either way, so take the pressure off yourself.
You're right.
You're right.
It doesn't matter.
ThisThis is what matters.
Does Connie like magic? You know what? I'll figure it out.
Another text from Claire.
"Almost there.
LOL.
" S-she doesn't understand stuff.
[Laughs.]
Wait.
I think I've seen you guys together.
She works across the street at the stationary store, right? - Yeah.
- I know her.
She's great! Oh, I forgot.
You like everyone.
If you don't like her, why did you invite her here? Because I didn't have any other obvious options.
For sex.
Hey.
Come here often? What are you doing? - Being funny.
- Are you sure about that? [Cell phone rings.]
- Mm.
- Need to get that? No.
It's just Tiffany.
I'm not taking her phone calls because she keeps volunteering me to watch other people's children.
It's like I'm running a daycare center.
Ha.
Do you have any extra room? Because Larry needs someplace to go on Saturdays.
Just got some digits! Her name is Molly, and she is a doctor.
Which is good, because I have a bad case of wanting to see her naked.
You know I'm not Ben, right? Ah.
Just means I'm gonna have to munsch Claire.
- Excuse me? - Oh.
You're munsching Claire? - Oh, yeah.
- What is munsching? Oh, you're gonna love this.
In fact, I'm gonna walk away, because I'm afraid of how much you are gonna love this.
Munsching is a technique I have perfected for ending relationships instead of telling a woman that I don't want to see them anymore, I simply break plans until they break up with me.
That way I get to avoid having the painful "it's not you, it's me" conversation because let's be honest, ladies it's never me.
Why do I keep thinking I can be near you? - I don't know.
- So you think you're doing these women a favor? Oh, I am doing them a favor.
You know, they get to break up with me.
They feel like it was their choice, they win.
Now, I have to go make Claire a winner.
I'm outta here, man.
I already texted Claire I'm due in court.
It's 9:00 at night.
She doesn't know how court works! Whoa, hey, hey, hey, you think Connie needs a hand with that guy? Shelooks annoyed.
No.
That's just her face.
No! Oh, my God, it's Claire.
Oh, crap! Thank you very much, Ben! Oh, yes! So, what, you're hiding from her now? Kate, what what are you doing in here? This is a men's room For men.
- Like him.
- Sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm just as uncomfortable as you are.
Kinda doubt that.
Larry, please just go talk to her.
No! Oh, no, no, no.
I can't.
I'm terrible at confrontation.
If I tell her how I feel, she's gonna be devastated.
[Laughs.]
That seems a little extreme.
It's really not.
I am avery attentive lover.
Oh, God, we need to set some ground rules for these conversations.
I got one have it anywhere but in the men's room.
Uh, hey, buddy, I was actually sitting there next to my wife.
Wha No, no.
- That's not - My bad.
- We're not marr - It's all good.
- What are you doing? - You're welcome! - Why did you do that? - I was rescuing you.
From what? I liked that guy! We both hate birds! But he was creepy.
And you you looked annoyed.
That's just my face! Larry, Claire is a nice, sweet girl.
- Just go talk to her.
- Why do you care? Because munsching is cruel.
And because Never mind.
Hold on.
You got munsched, didn't you? [Laughing.]
Hey, guy at urinal! Why are you still here? I can finish up later.
God willing! Okay.
I was dating this guy Mike Schwartz for three months, and it was getting serious.
I helped him pick out his sofa.
I met his Nana.
I babysat for his dog when his Nana died.
And then I got this text from him one night when we were supposed to have a date saying that he had "work drinks", and I never heard from Mike Schwartz again.
OhWow.
You got schwartzed.
Yeah, I did, and it would have been so much better if he'd just said, "Kate, it's over.
" JustGo talk to Claire.
Work drinks is a great line! Oh, what? Oh, yeah.
Like you're gonna be able to push me out the door! You are Superman strong! Hi, Lar bear! Claire hi! Hello.
God, hi.
So what happened to court? UmCourt? We settled.
Such a good lawyer.
Kate! OMG! - Hey, Claire.
- You know Lar bear? - I do.
- Yay! - Yay! - Yay AndAnother hug.
This is on the house, Benji.
Well, thank you, Ruth.
See, now that is the kind of treatment I am accustomed to.
You know what? I'm gonna call Connie.
Don't.
If you want to make things right with her, you have to go talk to her in person.
- Connie is scary on the phone.
- Connie is scary in person.
I knew you cared what she thinks.
Of course I do, I mean What Connie thinks isn't gonna change the way I feel about you, but it'd be nice if you were friends with my best friend like I'm friends with Larry.
Although, he looks really mad right now.
Well, I hope you're happy.
I slept with Claire, and it's your fault! And welcome to friendship with Larry.
- Where you going? - To go see Connie.
I'll be gone for a couple of hours, so cover for me.
I'm still waiting for you to write that case file for me.
Ben Benjamin God, he's so lazy.
How did you sleep with Claire? You were supposed to break up with her.
Uh, because you left me no other option, Kate.
Really? So you would rather sleep with a girl than tell her that you don't like her.
- Correct.
- I don't believe you.
There's no way you could have slept with Claire if you didn't like her a little.
How do you live In the world? You don't deserve Claire.
Exactly.
That's why when she asked me if I could hang out tonight I told her I had "work drinks.
" You schwartzed her! Zachary, watch your sister.
Watch That's not your sister.
[Kids chattering.]
Ben.
Hi! How did you get in here? Hey, wait! Candlestick! I need you to stop.
Uh, the doorman found me charming.
Freeze! Freeze! I came to apologize for last night, and, uh, to give you this.
What? Oh, thank you.
- Thank you.
- It's, um It's a laptop cover.
So you and Kate don't get your computers mixed up anymore.
That's good! Hey, watch your sister.
Do you need some help? 'Cause I can stay a while and, uh, and babies love me.
Um You know what? Fine.
Take him.
Hey! Hey, there, handsome! What's his name? No idea.
Nice work.
Nice work, you guys.
You guys are all being so nice.
Zachy, Zachy, um, I love what you're doing there, but paint the paper, not the table.
Wow.
It's so calm and quiet.
That's for entertaining them while I helped Tiffany find her purse.
It's always the last place you look.
On the hook where she keeps her purse.
Wait these are my sketches for my book idea.
I have a meeting next week.
Where did you even find these? There was a stack on the counter.
I thought it was coloring paper.
Let me fix this.
No, you can't fit it, Ben.
They're ruined, all right? Thank you for all of your help, but I'd like for you to leave.
Connie, I'm sorry I just wanted - to get to know you better.
- No, you didn't.
You just wanna be friends with me because you're dating Kate.
Okay, yeah.
Yeah, maybe that was true.
At first.
But then I realized, hey, you know what? Connie's kinda cool.
She's smart and and mean and funny andmean.
And, you know, I thought maybe we could be friends just because we could be friends.
But, you know, I get the sense that, for some reason, you don't really want that.
And you know what? Your loss.
Zach, that is an incredible tree or a spaceship or Octopus.
Larry! Claire Oh, my gosh! - What what are you doing here? - I'm meeting Kate! Is this where you're having your work drinks? LOL.
That's not how you Oh.
Just give me one second, all right? - I'm gonna put ya down.
- Whee! Men's room.
Go.
Now.
Listen to me, Kate.
I'm meeting Molly the doctor here tonight! I know.
Ben told me.
God, I gotta stop telling that guy stuff.
Gotta be kidding me.
Larry, just go talk to Claire.
Why are you so obsessed? Listen I know you got schwartzed and it hurt you a lot, but you gotta get over it, okay? Okay, you want the truth? I didn't get schwartzed.
Look at me.
You don't schwartz this.
I schwartzed Schwartz.
No! "Work drinks.
" That was mine.
Oh! But people aren't stupid, Larry.
They know what you're doing.
And when Schwartz I mean Mike found out what I did, he Killed himself? No.
He came to me and he said, "Kate, that was really mean.
" And then he ballooned to about 350 pounds.
Eh I know you're a good guy.
Ben wouldn't be friends with you if you weren't, so please just go talk to Claire.
[Whimpering.]
OhOh All right, fine.
Fine.
If only out of respect for the person who gave the world "work drinks.
" Happy now? Very.
Happy.
Yes.
You did the right thing, and that makes me very, very happy.
OhCrap.
We have been here just over an hour.
I mean, we should probably Oh, no, I I can't go home yet.
I hate the idea of sleeping in that big old bed without my Lar bear.
My snuggle bunny.
My cuddle monkey.
My tickle tig-ah.
Can you believe Larry said I was annoying? - I really can't.
- Do you hear that buzzing? Oh, my God! Okay Wow.
Hey, um, at least Larry was honest with you, right? I mean, it's better than lying.
No.
I would rather him just not take my calls.
That way I could have broken up with him.
- Hey.
- Okay.
I see what you mean about Connie.
Her crooked boobs? I meant how frustrating she can be.
Oh, yeah, but you have noticed the boob thing, right? I mean, it's Distracting.
It is helpful to talk to you.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I Kate made me break up with Clairein person.
No way! Your first face-to-face breakup.
How does it feel to be a man? Not good.
But fortunately, I will be drowning my sorrows very soon in a nice, tall glass of Dr.
Molly.
Should be walking through that door any second.
Together: Ugh.
Well, well, well! That all you got? For now.
Where's your tiny girlfriend? I just broke up with her.
But sorry, I'm not available.
So sorry.
So Do you come here often? Only after awkward fights.
Okay, so it's possible that I may have overreacted today.
And it's also possible that what happened wasn't your fault.
And it might even be possible that I misjudged you.
You yelled at me.
I didn't think you had it in you.
- I'm sorry.
- Please don't ruin it.
Just be happy knowing that I officially like you better than the other guys Kate has dated before.
Thank you.
Exactly how many guys we talking about? Couple - Hundred.
- Okay.
Some professional athletes and heads of state.
- Connie.
- George Clooney Mm-hmm.
That's the thing no one tells you about a new relationship.
You think you're just dating one person, but the truth is You're dating everyone that person knows, and you better hope they like you.
Well, well.
I thought you were with your new BFF Claire.
Let's just say after having gotten to know her a little better over the past couple of days, I can see why munsching her might have been a little more humane than telling her she's annoying.
I don't know why you called her in the first place.
Well, let's just say there are certain places where she's not annoying.
In bed.
- I got it.
- Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Anyway, you were right in the middle of telling me that I'm right? Maybe this time.
But someday, you're gonna meet a woman that you're not gonna want to munsch.
I don't know about that one, Kate.
You see, a man of my station requires a woman who is similarly endowed.
- Endowed? - That is not the word I meant.
What I'm saying is I need someone who is Sexy and funny and tough and really challenges me.
And by really challenges me I mean has a killer rack that isn't totally crooked! Well, maybe you'll meet that level-chested lady soon.
Speaking of which, where's Dr.
Molly? Molly'sYou know [Mutters.]
What's that? She I'm getting munsched.
No.
What'd she say? "Sorry.
Just remembered I had a wedding in Barcelona.
" I cantotally see forgetting that.
- Kate.
- She's munsching you.
Come on.
Let's go join those two.
Naw, I'm just gonna sit here and drink my beer.
Oh, my God! How are you doing that?