Mapleworth Murders (2020) s01e05 Episode Script

1
[ALL SCREAMING]
- [SQUISHING]
- [HEIDI GRUNTS]
Don't worry, everyone.
It was just the red wine
from the barrel breaking.
It's pretty good.
I don't think I've had the pleasure.
Oh, you'd remember if you did.
It's probably not
the best time to flirt.
- Read the room.
- Right, yeah.
Hi. Brent Davenport.
I feel terrible that I'm late
especially since Julia's dead now.
I mean, she was so
- alive before.
- HEIDI: Mm.
[FAKE-SOBBING]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh, grief.
CHIEF: Chief of police coming through.
Look at this goddamn Fruit Roll-Up.
Mapleworth, everywhere you
go, someone gets killed.
I would never invite you to a party.
- Especially a surprise party.
- GILBERT: I would.
Having one of my guests get murdered
is worth having Miss Mapleworth
grace me with her dancing charismas.
Pilts, come on, man.
You're getting all
worked up for nothing.
I need you to go to my car and
get my crime-scene gloves.
Not my fishing gloves,
not my miming gloves,
not my falcon gloves.
I only need a set of those one
at a time anyway, it's not two.
You never seen a person
with two falcon gloves.
- Yeah, I
- Sitting in the park with two hands up?
- Yeah. Maybe I misremembered.
- No one leaves.
I'm gonna question every
single person here.
So none of the married people?
- What?
- You said you wanted
to question every single person here,
so everyone in a relationship is free.
Are you fucking with me?
- I don't think I am F-ing with you.
- Go get the goddamn gloves!
- GILBERT: Oh!
- ABIGAIL: Oh!
[GILBERT GROANING]
Mapleworth, none of that
amateur-detective nonsense.
Guess what? You are a suspect too.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Ha. Me as a suspect. That's rich.
- Yeah, that's crazy.
- No, that's Rich.
Richard Belt.
He's acting very suspicious.
I'll be right back.
[GUESTS CHATTERING AND LAUGHING]
Wish I was that glass of wine,
to get so much attention from you.
Brent Davenport. And you are?
Not interested at all.
Ouchie.
Let me peep that phone for a sec.
Don't worry, my hands are medium clean.
Just texted myself so I got your number.
Watch it, dipshit.
I know I am, but what are you?
Asshole.
ABIGAIL: Stop it!
[RICHARD GROANS]
I'm so sorry, I thought you were
hurting someone back there.
- It's fine.
- But I do have one query, Mr. Belt.
What were you arguing with Julia about
right before she was laminated?
She started using twist-offs
instead of buying cork from me.
But I would never
ever zamboni her with a barrel.
Then why were you
sneaking out so quickly?
Because I'm upset. So I came out
here to do my breathing exercises
and fight this stupid tree
to clear my thoughts.
Well, I believe you.
This tree seems like a real knob job.
- Do you care to join me?
- I would love to.
- Oh. I'm stuck. Oh!
- CHIEF: Pilts!
Tell me again why we're in the bathroom?
It's just a place where people
don't lie and it's pretty private.
- [TOILET FLUSHING]
- Here's Heidi.
Oh, hello again.
Do your arms hurt from
running through my dreams?
Why would my arms hurt?
Proper arm swing is the key
to an efficient stride.
Dude, are you try to pick
me up in a bathroom?
- Yeah.
- No. Wash your hands.
Oh, no, I'm a "wash before" type of guy.
Uh Ugh.
Remind me to clean that
doorknob on the way out.
Okay, we have a few questions for you.
Um
It's It's Heidi.
- Ah.
- Yeah. We've met before.
I helped you solve a murder.
Right, right, right!
Uh
It's Heidi, sir.
[GRUNTS]
- Great backup.
- How did you forget that quickly?
No, I'm just distracted
by the overwhelming smell
- of urinal cakes in here.
- Ah.
And do they call them "cakes" anyway?
Taste terrible. Ha-ha. Okay, um
- young lady.
- What?
Where were you when the murder occurred?
I was in the reception
room with everyone.
And can anyone corroborate that?
Everyone who was in the room.
- Huh.
- Can I go now?
Because someone doesn't
know how to flush.
- You know, I feel you, Kim.
- That's not my name.
Just because you're Mapleworth's niece
does not mean that you
are incapable of
Murder?
- Pilts, get me another room!
- GILBERT: Yes, sir.
Give me one second here. [URINATING]
[ZIPPING UP]
[GILBERT SIGHS]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
You should get your
schnoz out of that phone.
You know, that boy in the water
closet was trying to flirt with you.
- Yuck.
- My dear,
it's time for you to stop
getting likes on that thing
and start getting likes from people.
Aunt Abigail, that was very corny.
Well, then put a stick in my
prune-shoot and call me street corn.
Your phone can't take
you out to a nice dinner
or a movie, or
share a sweet kiss at
the end of the night.
Actually, this phone can
order me dinner and a movie,
and if I turn the camera around,
I could just kiss myself.
Boy, your generation has answer
for everything, don't they?
Yes, we do.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
- Brent just texted me. "You up?"
- Oh.
- It's 2 in the afternoon.
- Text him back.
Here, I'll text him back.
Well, you're texting on
the back of the phone.
- Oh, I sure am.
- I don't wanna text him
because he's creepy AF.
"Apple fritter." The worst
of the apple desserts.
You guys talking about Brent Davenport?
Paige! I thought I felt
sudden disappointment.
A little birdie just told me
that Brent Davenport owns a rival
winery called Ample Grapes,
and he's here to sniff
out the competition.
It is weird that he turned up
right when Julia was killed.
It's not much of a motive,
but at this point,
we can't rule out anyone.
Oh, so there is a slight
difference in the organic merlot
and organic rosé.
Now this is all pertaining
to the case, of course.
And speaking of cases, I'd love
to have a case of all three
put in my car.
I mean, for evidence purposes.
- Okeydokey, sir.
- You're free to go.
All right.
Should I just step over the body or ?
I'll find a new interrogation room.
Who do you think did it?
Well, Mr. Belt still seems suspicious.
- You ladies talking Richard Belt?
- Jesus, Paige!
You are as nosy as a Basset
Hound in a room full of people
with pork in their pockets.
You know, Julia stopped buying his cork,
and now he was so much
inventory, he got arrested
for cork hoarding.
Why didn't you tell us that before?
Stop crop-dusting us with clues.
Yeah, I can't tell if you're
trying to help us or confuse us.
I guess that's a mystery you'll
have to solve, because I am
helping.
- Or I'm not.
- Ugh.
I might be helping.
I might not be helping. I
Get the hell out of here, you jackass!
- What started this Paige rage?
- Ugh.
Paige.
About 20 years ago
Well, it couldn't have
been 20 years ago,
because she came here in 2010.
Let me see, my math is off.
Twenty ? No.
All I know is she did something.
Oh, and how there was
this time that she
You know what? I can't
remember actually right now,
but on a slow day,
it's just fun to have someone
you have a beef with, you know?
- It just gives you energy.
- Hmm.
Yeah.
Mm, mm, mm. Mm.
- It is miss or missus?
- Miss.
Mrs. Delabouche.
- Miss.
- CHIEF: Question.
What was your relationship with
Mrs. Squift before her death?
- We were best friends.
- You look nervous.
[STAMMERING] Huh? No.
What are you ? I'm
What am I nervous about?
Nothing. I'm not nervous.
- What are you hiding?
- Fine!
I confess. I I did it.
[CROWD GASPING]
Yes, I did it.
There are crab penises
in the crab cakes.
And I didn't even use
those crab penises.
I ripped them off another
batch and I mixed them in.
HEIDI: "Meet me"
"In the barrel room"? Ugh.
He won't quit. I guess it's time
to do a face-to-face unfollow.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh!
[SCREAMING]
Oh.
[GASPING]
CHIEF: Well, well, well.
Looks like our murderer is
Is
Heidi.
- Mm!
- My name's Heidi.
I mean, you don't look like a Heidi,
but you do look like a murderer.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]