Maron (2013) s01e05 Episode Script

Oh, my god.
That was great.
I-I think my one complaint is that we didn't make it You know, I could do an amazing redesign of your place.
The retro-kitsch look is a little played, you know? What do you mean look? This is this is my life.
I thought you were a graphic designer.
Oh, no, I specialize in all design Landscape, interior, jewelry, sound.
Sound? Yeah, I just work at the coffee shop to network.
Yeah.
Tell me you have string cheese.
IDon't.
I don't have string String cheese.
I had no idea that me giving you a ride home would lead to this.
I'll tell you that.
I'm sorry.
Lead to what, now? To this, whatever this This thing Oh.
Yeah.
No, relax.
You have nothing to be embarrassed about.
Wait, what? Oh, that's Tony.
We're going to get shabu-shabu.
It's 1:00 in the morning.
W-who's Tony? Embarrassed about About what? Oh, god.
You didn't want me to stay, did you? No.
Honestly, I didn't.
Great.
I-I kind of wanted you to want to stay a A little bit.
Say hi to Tony.
Okay.
What is shabu-shabu? Won't fall for it you can't see and you can't tell I just can't drink from the poisoned well thanks.
Hey, you.
Sorry.
Do I know you? Uh I'm just kidding, old man.
Ohh.
You should have seen your face.
That was a good one.
Uh, usual cappuccino, yeah? That's not my usual at all.
Uh, triple Espresso over ice? Oh, right.
Totally.
Hey, um, do you like wolf's nest? They're reuniting for just one show at the cemetery tomorrow.
Wow.
I didn't realize they'd broken up.
Or that they were a A band.
Uh, you know, I can check my week and see if there's open Okay, it's not that big of a deal.
No, I-I-I know it's not a big deal.
I just want to Let's not make this awkward.
You want to just text me? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Cool.
Do you want to just step over? Oh, sorry.
Yeah.
Can I help you? She seems so sweet.
I wonder why her father never loved her.
Oh, that's very funny.
I'm sorry.
I just couldn't help myself.
Well, you don't know a thing about me.
You're right.
My mistake.
Sorry.
Um, excuse me.
I just have to soy up.
Thanks.
Look, I can't help it if that's the demographic I'm attracting right now.
Of course you can't.
Exactly.
And it's not your fault they go mad for those deep v-necks and vintage jeans.
Excuse me, these are not vintage jeans.
I broke these in myself.
Riveting.
Yeah, look, don't snap judge me.
I-I hate those walking mid-life crisis guys.
I am not one of those guys.
Wait a second.
I know your voice.
Oh, my god You're the guy on npr who talks about the comedy stuff and the cats.
Yes.
That is me.
And sleeping with younger women.
All right.
Okay.
Maybe I am that guy.
But not anymore.
All right? Not as of, like, 90 seconds ago.
So pleased that I could be here to witness this milestone in your maturity.
I know.
It feels good.
Mm.
Marc.
Marc maron.
Alexa.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
So, I don't, uh I-I've never seen you here.
Do you Am I gonna say that? Do you live around here? Are you kidding me? Oh, my god.
Sorry.
Okay, honestly, let me just stop you right here.
Yeah.
Because you're clearly out of your comfort zone.
I'm just gonna cut to the chase.
Right.
Saturday night, 7:30.
Your house.
Okay.
You cook.
No Indian.
No pasta.
Okay.
I-I-I think I can honor these terms.
Well, we'll see.
All right.
See you later.
Okay.
I'd totally hit that.
So long since you've been gone girl, just worrying about what went wrong well, this is really good.
This is a really, really amazing dinner.
Thank you.
I'm very good with legumes.
I-I'm just happy I didn't have to go out on a Saturday night, to be honest with you.
Oh, my god.
Forget it.
Saturday night? Right? Oh, it's the worst.
Yep.
I mean, between the traffic and the crowds.
And my eyes.
I can't even, like, see the stupid menu.
Right.
And, oh, the tapas thing? I mean, I sit there and calculate, "okay, how many tapas actually equal a meal?" Seriously.
I mean, when is this tapas trend just gonna die already? I mean, what's next, just a plate of crumbs or just, like, four lentils of some kind.
Oh, that's just way too much.
No.
No.
don't overdo it.
Yeah.
Right.
Micro-tapas.
This place is so cute.
It's really, really cozy.
Really? You don't think it needs revamping? No, are you kidding me? It oozes you The art, the book.
I-I guess that's good.
Oh, my god.
Is this you and buddy guy? Thank you.
Most people think it's B.
B.
King.
Oh, please.
You really need to be more discriminating with who you invite over here.
I-I'm starting to believe you.
Do you want to hear something crazy? Yeah.
When I was in art school, living in Chicago, I was a bartender at this club.
And everyone played there.
I'm talking Albert king, uh, muddy waters.
Wow.
Really? I mean, everyone.
And a couple of times, they dragged me up onstage to sing.
Nice.
It was so embarrassing.
Although my ex-husband didn't think so.
Three weeks later, we were married, and there I was living in Ibiza.
That sounds good.
Eh.
That was a really long time ago.
Now I live the quiet life in west hills.
Well, at least you have a life.
You know what I mean? I mean, this is usually the point in the evening where my date's trying to convince me to read "the hunger games.
" I'm serious.
Eh.
The movie was okay.
So, what were you doing over here in the coffee shop on this side of the world? Well, I heard there were a lot of good thrift stores around here.
Uh-huh.
And I'm always kind of on the lookout for something, you know, kind of classic.
Uh-huh.
Something kind of funky.
Yeah.
Think '70s.
Yeah? Did you get lucky? I'll let you know in a few hours.
How about How about a half-hour? Oh, my.
This is really Could be your lucky night.
That was unreal.
I mean, this the bed has so much more traction than the couch.
What? Oh, nothing.
Nothing.
What time is it? That is my idea of a perfect date.
That was amazing.
Mm-hmm.
I mean, oh, my god.
That has been a while for me.
Really? Mm.
I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but, uh, why don't you stay? Stay.
Come on.
Ohh, a million reasons I can't, mainly because I have a little boy.
Oh.
Well, that must be difficult for you.
And, I mean, I don't No, I don't know what I'm saying.
Zachary.
He's amazing.
Yeah? And he's not really that little anymore.
Well, I can't wait to To Hear more about him.
He was over the moon when I told him I met you.
He's 14 years old, and already he has his own podcast.
Wow.
Yeah.
Maybe you can give him some pointers.
Sure.
I mean, you know, he can e-mail me anytime he wants.
Ow.
Why don't you come over this week? Okay.
Let him interview you for his podcast.
How fun would that be? Well, that'd be tons of fun, and I will check my schedule to see if I can make that happen.
Make it happen.
I'm gonna see myself out.
It was so much fun.
This was really nice.
Amazing.
And you are.
Yes.
I will I will definitely try to get over there.
Try? All right.
I'll come.
I'll be there.
All right.
So, Duplass well, French.
Now, wait, do you, uh what? Does someone speak French? Anybody? No.
Nobody speaks French.
They my Do you visit France? My great-grandfather killed somebody, came over to New Orleans, changed his name to duplass, and that's where we started.
That must have been fun.
Yeah, it was really fun.
But that's kind of over now.
Yeah.
Um, my parents have actually moved out to Los Angeles.
Oh, my god.
My brother and I both have kids.
Yeah, on Sunday, we all get together and have a big hangout.
Every Sunday? Every Sunday.
Okay, so you have kids sitting there.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Talk a little bit, then what? Ah, what what? All right.
You you clearly have something on your mind right now.
What is what is this? Okay, yes, I do.
You're right.
Uh, let's make it about me.
I went on a date with a a real woman.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Not the kind of girl that I usually go out with.
The low-hanging fruit, basically.
Well, I don't know if I would say that, but kind of, okay.
She's I don't even know how to say it.
Age-appropriate? Okay.
That's good.
Can I say that? She's lived.
Well, yeah, but she's like And here's the thing.
It was a great date, a great time, and then she brings up that maybe I should meet her kid, her son.
Mm-hmm.
And I freak out in my head.
I'm terrified.
I'm thinking, "well, this is a gigantic step," you know, 'cause 'Cause? Why why is that a big step to meet You've never met a child before, clearly.
No, no.
Of course I've met children.
But I'm not ready to be a stepfather.
Please tell me that you told her you're not ready to be a stepdad on the first date.
Right in bed Right when we finished, I said, "you know, this isn't what I had in mind.
" Look.
She's lived, clearly.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You have lived.
Right.
I'll put that's a nice way to put it.
Right.
You know, and when people have lived, they come with baggage.
No, I get that, but, I mean, I hope she hasn't had the same exact life as me, 'cause then our second date's gonna have to be couple's counseling, but yeah.
That's baggage.
But it's that's a child.
And I get what you're saying.
I think that this could be a very good thing for you.
And from what I can tell, you'll probably screw it up.
Right.
I'm putting my money on one way it goes.
Why don't you keep it to yourself and give me a shot? Okay.
All right.
All right.
All right.
Hi.
From highland park.
How are you? Hi, handsome.
Hi.
Okay.
Good.
Hi.
Come on in.
Ooh.
I'm making my famous goat cheese and shrimp quesadillas.
Wow.
Mmm.
Fancy.
I hope you didn't get lost coming here.
No.
Couldn't have been easier, actually.
Everything's very well marked here.
Yeah.
I know, right? It's a little Stepford.
The golf-cart crossing and the artificial lake.
Yes.
Uh-huh.
I know.
Come on.
Come with the jokes.
It's okay.
No.
No.
Honestly, I haven't got any.
This is the longest I've been in L.
A.
And I haven't seen graffiti or a police chopper.
Well, I really appreciate you doing this.
Sure.
Absolutely.
What can I get you? Uh How about a fizzy water, maybe? Oh, fizzy waters? That's good.
I can do that.
Look at this kitchen! Oh, my god.
I could really do some damage in here.
Look at those burners.
I know.
Nice.
Nice.
Make yourself comfortable.
Sit down.
Relax.
Absolutely.
I will.
I think I'll just plop down right here and maybe watch "Lawrence of Arabia," maybe a couple "godfathers.
" Here you go.
Thank you.
Hey.
Two minutes! Uh, yeah, we're talking.
Just one minute! A minute, 50! Ohh, so that's That's Zachary.
Yes.
Right.
You should probably go, um, do the interview.
Should Should I meet him first? No, he says he wants you fresh.
Okay.
Yeah.
It's okay.
You're totally great.
Right, right, okay.
You're good to go.
You're cool, right? Yeah.
And, you know, just be yourself.
And, of course, be, you know, appropriate.
Yeah, of course.
I'll be very discreet.
Okay, come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Hurry.
Hurry.
Hurry.
Okay.
Ready or not.
Hello? Oh, uh, watch out for the hamster cage.
Uh, did Alexa get you water? Great, uh, just grab those cans and have a seat.
Greetings, fellow adolescent misanthropes.
Welcome to "the malcontentment hour.
" This is Zach stahler coming at you from my bedroom in an undisclosed location in the valley.
Those of you who listen to the show know that I have a little issue with the west hills school salad bar.
The salad is often wilted, vegetables turned, and the sneeze guard is so dirty.
It's counterproductive.
So, yesterday, as a reward for trying to eat healthy, I get raging diarrhea.
Again.
And to add to insult to injury, d Um, you're sitting right on my favorite pillow.
Oh.
I sorry.
I will bill you if I get pinkeye.
All right, we'll be right back with my diarrhea epic in a minute.
Now, I am very excited to introduce my first guest who is sitting right now with his dirty ass on my favorite pillow, my hero, Marc maron! That's right.
Marc maron is in the bedroom.
Put your pants back on, Marc.
The man, the myth, the alt-comedy legend.
All labels, I know, we both hate.
Great to have you here.
Now, uh, your show's become the rite of passage for talent.
You have a die-hard following and are now something of a comedy institution.
I-I don't know if I'd say that.
I mean, we've had a We've had a good stretch.
You know, thing are I'm feeling pretty positive.
And that's exactly the problem.
What? Come on.
Everybody knows that legitimacy and contentment are the last stop on the artistic express train to irrelevance and self-parody.
That's a little harsh.
It's very well put, but But a little harsh.
I am quoting your words there.
Did I say that? Yeah, you did.
Okay.
Face it.
You're just one metaphorical peanut-butter-and-bacon sandwich from the fat Elvis stage of your career.
Why are you being such a dick? Uh I was just trying to get real like you do.
Okay.
Okay.
Let's switch tact.
Um, your personal life is a mess.
People are saying that you need to retire the material about your ex-wife, saying that it's, um, "unfunny, self-indulgent naval gazing.
" Yeah? Who said that? You know, the, uh The zeitgeist.
Oh, really? Well, the, uh, zeitgeist can kiss my ass.
Okay.
Um, uh, next question.
Are you lonely? Yeah, sometimes I am.
Yeah, I work a lot.
Do you know a lot of girls? If so, where and how did you meet them? I-I think that's something that my, you know, listeners want to know.
Oh, really? Okay, well, do your listeners have a girlfriend? No.
No, I wish.
There isn't a girl in my class that I haven't masturbated to, like, a hundred times.
Yeah.
Hmm.
They all hate me.
Uh, how did you lose your virginity? Uh, older woman.
Yeah, well, my mom's friend Mrs.
woolems is so hot.
I'm kind of obsessed with her.
Yeah, I saw her side boob once.
Nice.
She married? Divorced.
So hot.
Well, you know, I was thinking about falling off my bike in front of her house, then I'd go in, and then, you know, she has to take care of my wound.
So, then, while she's putting the band-aid on me, she gets turned on, and it just it just happens.
You've really put a lot of thought into this.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Over and over again.
I, um I call it the bike-wreck scenario.
Hmm.
Yeah.
Is that weird? Well, look, don't get hung up on this "losing your virginity" thing.
Eventually, you'll You'll stumble into a couple of awkward sexual experiences that will define your future.
Whoa.
Look at you.
You are what I aspire to.
Let's be honest.
You're probably gonna die alone.
We're both doomed.
Yeah, well, we are We are doomed, yes.
Uh, look.
Look.
The podcast is a good This is a good thing.
'Cause it's gonna get you new friends.
It's good.
Well, nobody's really listening to my podcast.
People don't like me.
Well, my mom threw me this surprise birthday party for me last year and invited my whole class.
I can't stand those kids, and now they're in my house.
Why would she do that to me? Hey, well, at least she's trying, pal.
One meal together, and you think you know her.
She doesn't get me at all.
I mean, at least my dad ignores me.
I mean, she's overbearing and manipulative.
And she "forgot" to feed my hamster when I went to math camp.
Well, you know, when parents get divorced, there's a lot of resentment.
You'll get over it.
You'll you'll let it go.
I wish they were divorced.
What, you mean it's It's not official? Their divorce isn't official yet, or? No.
They're not divorced.
Oh, my god.
Did you have sex with my mom? No, man.
That's crazy.
You have a very active imagination, kid.
You did.
No, I didn't! Okay.
I just thought we were being honest with each other.
Sorry.
Well, the upshot is this is turning into my best episode.
So? Isn't he amazing? Are you insane? You said you were divorced.
I am, to my first husband.
You didn't say that you were married.
Well, I didn't want to ruin our little role-play by stating the obvious Hello.
It's not like I hid my wedding band.
I don't look at rings.
The women I date can't even commit to a hairstyle.
You put me in a very awkward situation up there.
I had to think quickly.
I'm so sorry.
But it It went all right, right? Is Zachary happy? Yeah, I think he is.
I-I don't think I am.
I'm sorry.
I just you know, you can understand.
I just wanted to make this happen for him.
Oh, my god.
You weren't thrift shopping in my neighborhood.
You stalked me.
Oh, come on.
I didn't exactly stalk you.
My god, you don't go to the bathroom without announcing it on Twitter.
Oh, my god.
You slept with me so I would be on your son's podcast? I was desperate.
Great! That makes me feel great.
I mean, Zach and I, we just I don't know.
He doesn't even talk to me anymore, and the little podcast became our project.
And I-I had to connect with him in some way.
And, you know.
You're a piece of work.
Oh, please.
Don't act so scandalized.
You're no boy scout.
I thought we had a connection.
We did.
We do.
Are you kidding me? You know we do.
It's amazing, and You want to hear something odd? Sleeping with you made me feel so much closer to my son.
Oh, my god.
Yeah? And I thought this could be a normal relationship.
Can I make you a snack plate? I-I made some homemade guac.
It's really good.
It's very yummy and good for you and nice for your skin and good for you tummy.
Okay.
Yeah? He's home early.
Jesus, are you kidding me?! Don't oh, shit.
What do I do? What do I do? No.
don't worry.
Just sit down.
Sit down and relax.
It's only weird if you make it weird.
Not guilty.
Do you believe that verdict?! I absolutely crucified that stooge on the stand, man.
I was on fire.
I can't stay long.
I'm gonna meet the team for drinks.
Oh.
Oh, how are the lessons? Is he stopping the yanking long enough to become the next Dave Matthews? Hal, this isn't the guitar teacher.
This is Marc maron.
He's helping Zachary with his podcast.
Hey.
How you doing? He's still wasting time on that? We had fun.
He reminds me of me when I was a kid.
Oh, that sounds reassuring.
Hal, stop being an asshole.
Wow, this is like a flashback to my childhood.
The house.
It's a nice house.
Oh, I forgot to give you a shirt.
Oh.
Thanks, man.
Try it on, man.
See if it fits.
He doesn't want to try it on, Zach.
Just say thanks for coming.
No.
No.
I'll try it on, man.
I-I'll do it.
Oh, that's awesome.
Yeah, this looks cool.
Oh, that's so cute on you.
Ohh.
Thank you.
Nice.
Yeah.
You got a great kid there.
All right.
Thanks, buddy.
I'm gonna go.
Yeah.
Thank you.
For everything.
Yeah.
And, uh, yeah, okay.
Thank you so much, Marc.
Hey, good luck with everything.
Yeah.
And, um Yeah.
Yeah.
All right.
Here you go.
Thank you, Ivy.
You're welcome, stranger.
You want to come over later? To bone? Yeah.
Sure.
Great.
Did you pick a movie? No.
No.
It's all over-produced Hollywood bullshit.
Hey, you know, your friend? Yeah.
She is really beautiful.
Yeah, no roots.
Sounds like someone's working on their coffee-shop scenario.
Am I right? Huh? Oh, yeah.
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