Married Single Other (2009) s01e05 Episode Script
T.D.D.U.P.
Deja vu and small seizures can indicate something not so good.
Hi, Eros.
Harry, I owe you.
I saw Dickie today.
He was helpful with a patient I got stuck with.
I let you out of my sight and you slide back two years.
You have a grade three tumour at the top of your brain stem.
Who's Fabiana? I thought I wanted my old life back.
I realised all I wanted was you.
Don't do it again.
How long? Six months, maybe less.
No, because that No, that is five thousand I know that's what it is.
Lil? Morning! Dad.
Dad.
Talk to her.
Talk to her.
I need to speak to her, OK, OK.
What? The The boys and I have discussed it and it's not enough.
It is plenty and it is also all you are allowed to spend now.
We had big plans.
Which, due to a change in circumstances, have been officially cancelled.
So new plan, fast and cheap.
£500, baby.
You can't get much for that these days Edward, I have sold my 'useless, never-once-made-me-a-millionaire' premium bonds and the wedding will cost what I got for them.
Exhibit A: 500 quid.
We are not borrowing money, not now.
That's not what I want, Ed.
Harry.
Will you please go and take the entire contents of your wardrobe off the floor in your room, put it in the large basket whose use you do not seem to understand? Take the mystery basket to the white thing with a round window in it, and see if you can work out what it does.
Lets hope it's some domestic robot we haven't fired up yet.
No, no, that's me.
And I am about to retire.
I've saved some money.
Birthdays, Christmas and exam results.
Which you're not wasting on floral table decorations.
The goldfish have disappeared behind a wall of green.
Go and do something about that.
Thank you.
We wanted a perfect day.
And it will be.
£500 worth of perfection.
OK.
I'll check the Millennium Community Hall.
Oh, sounds nice.
I shouldn't.
I wouldn't I mean, I haven't.
Oh, but you're such a good public speaker, Babs.
It's just cruel, though, isn't it? Why don't you ask Dickie to do it? He is Eddie's oldest friend, and he is actually a man! As in, you know, best man! Yeah, apparently, I seem to be the last feminist on earth and I don't understand why the women stay silent in this cave-man-created ceremony.
So you're best man.
And Dickie, by the way, is going to be busy.
With what? Well, I'm gonna talk to him first.
I'm trying to make sure that everyone else has something to occupy themselves while I prepare.
For the wedding? No, for after the wedding.
Oh, Lord.
What can I do to help, then? You can be my best man.
No! No! Wait! Wait! Wait! No! Hang on! How about if I was the wedding dress woman, organiser type thing? Because you'd be completely shit and that's why God gave us Abbey.
Yeah, I'm going to be absolutely shit at this! You know, spectacular, epic shit! I'm shit at public speaking! You can't take this on honeymoon.
She'll be fine.
Please, Lil, it's miles! I know, but it's got an engine and six wheels.
What do you think they're for? Where will I live? In our house.
We're going to take the boys.
You know, time's precious.
I'll have to fix things up a bit.
You think? She could probably do with a run, actually.
Free honeymoon - tick.
All right, with the economy package you have cocktail of prawns or soup of oxtail for the starter.
Erm Prawn cocktail, I guess.
Good.
Actually, no.
Sorry, no.
That's the deluxe option.
With the eco package it's soup of oxtail or juice d'orange, tumbler.
Lets go forhalf soup, half orange juice.
An artful compromise, my friend.
What about decorations? Can you do anything to make it look lessshite? Afraid not.
Come on.
Cheer up, Ed.
We've had dead bodies in the back on better form than you.
Sorry.
Is it totally shit, bruv? It's a one-day-at-a-time thing.
What, today is especially bad? I wanted it to be magical and, you know, this place is just rubbish.
Listen, dim wit.
If you're not happy with the Aldi cut-price wedding, let's do something about it.
Why don't you just remortgage the house? I can't.
Why not? Because it's not what Lillie wants.
Quick, it's Stupendo.
He's done it again.
Hey.
All right, mate? OK, guys, move aside, move aside.
Cheers.
It's the scimitars, see? They sometimes get stuck.
Yeah, its probably best not to talk, Stupendo.
OK.
Call me Steve.
It's best not to talk, Steve.
Flo will drive us slowly over the bumps and we'll soon have you and your pointy friend in separate beds.
Yeah? Whoa! Oh, hello.
I've been asked to be Lillie's best woman.
Oh, that's nice.
No, it's not.
I've got to talk.
Out loud in front of people.
You'll be fine.
No, I won't be fine.
I will not be in the same post code as fine.
I will, be in Meltdown, Tennessee.
I will be the Lady Mayoress of Meltdown.
Just say the bride looks lovely and you make a toast.
All right, erm Let me try some lines on you.
Don't do lines.
Ahem.
Did you hear the one about the newlywed who had a heart attack every time she orgasmed? She didn't know whether she was coming or going.
You're not serious? I just thought it would be weird if no-one mentioned death or anything.
Babs, there is not a human being alive who thinks like that.
I'm panicking.
All right, I'm in a flat out spin, from which I will never recover.
There are people on fire who are in less of a panic than me.
You're gonna be fine.
I'm going to die, aren't I? I'm going to die on stage like Tommy Cooper without the preceding hilarity.
Ladies and gentlemen, please raise your glasses to Edward and his beautiful new bride Lillian.
Oh, you'd love it to be that simple, wouldn't you? Help me scrub and I'll work on some gags for you.
No.
You were right.
I've got to go for poetic.
Epic.
Not a dry eye in the house.
Did I say that? I'll be back! And when I am, I am gonna make Terms Of Endearment look like the Cannon And Ball Christmas special.
I can't believe you've stolen this many dresses.
No, just borrowed.
Listen, I still really want to see you in this one.
OK, but, you know, just one more, then I've got stuff to do.
Abs, can I ask you one more favour? Mm-hm.
Can you make me up? Yeah.
Of course.
I'll be round at dawn Saturday with an artic lorry full of paints and potions.
No, I mean, like now.
Can you make me look good today? Yeah, sure.
I want to look my best today.
I have something to do.
That's no problem.
Well, that's the one, isn't it? OK.
It'll do.
OK.
Yes? No? No.
The key is not to fumble and, in an ideal world, do it one-handed.
And you must walk a very fine line between being so flash at it that you are an obvious male slut and giving off the unmistakable funk of the virgin.
So, the secret of taking off a bra is - drum roll, please - So, the secret of taking off a bra is - drum roll, please - pinch the clasp together with thumb and forefinger, that sucker will just ping right off.
Have a shot.
Jock.
Goth.
So, don't blame me if I don't do this right.
It's my first time.
She's cool.
Your mum.
Yeah, she is.
See you at the wedding? Not if I see you first.
Bringing a date? Oh, yeah because 'Hi, do you want to come see my dying mum's emergency wedding?' is such a girl catcher.
Fair point.
You? Eros.
Still ploughing on with that one? You're annoyed about the club thing.
I'm sorry.
In a life smothered in cool, that was less than cool.
No worries.
Pass the ball, lads.
And don't let any girl treat you badly.
And don't pine.
If you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you, go out and love someone else, OK? Someone smart enough to love you back, Joey.
What's wrong with the dry cleaners on the corner, anyhow? Vintage lace has to be handled with care.
These guys are the best.
Just drive.
Madam.
Hi.
We've got one antique lace wedding dress that needs cleaning and a suit that needs altering.
No problem.
Thanks.
Pretty dress.
Yeah, isn't it lovely? When you getting married? Oh, it's not for me.
Shame, you'd look very pretty in the dress.
And out of it.
Don't talk to the customers, Fabi, you are not house trained.
Where's the suit, lovely? I'll sort out the money, babe.
Do you want to get it? You don't return my texts.
That's not polite.
It was a mistake to text you.
It was a mistake to talk to you.
And its not one I'm going to make again.
OK? That's the thing with mistakes.
They can be infectious.
There you go.
Address? What do want my address for? No address, no alteration.
I don't want to give you my address.
Flat 3, 11, Margaret Square.
They just to make sure we're not gonna do a runner.
Ready by seven.
Thank you.
See you.
Bye-bye.
Later.
What? When you come to pick up your suitsir.
Dickie! Hey.
How are you? I'm good, good.
How's your horrible little computer doing? Not a peep of trouble out of it since you caressed it with your magic fingers.
Look.
It works like a dream.
That's what I like to hear.
Listen, Imp, I need a favour.
You know, for all the years of free technical support I've given you.
Anything for you, my hero.
You know that.
Anything your missus would let me, anyhow.
Yeah, well, that's not much of a restriction any more.
What do you need? How does this sound? How did you get in here? Through the door.
Can't you knock? I could if you ask nicely.
Now, I want you to have a listen to my speech.
I'm going for highly emotional and poetic.
Can't Dickie help you? Dickie cries during the Iceland adverts.
Very moved by what a good mother Kerry is.
I need someone with rocks instead of a heart.
When my best friend from childhood was struck down by an inoperable brain tumour - Stop.
Tearing up? No.
Do not say anything other than 'Ladies and gentlemen, please raise you glasses.
' No, seriously, Babs.
Just those words.
You can add their names if you are feeling really ambitious.
Otherwise it will be ten different kinds of nightmare.
Some people are not meant to make speeches.
You are all of them.
I've got a poem.
By? Sylvia Plath.
Get out.
I love the way you don't know how to stay mad at me.
And I love that baked beans on baguette are your idea of luxury.
I loved all the Post-Its, in all the sock draws, and glove compartments and overnight bags that said 'I love you'.
And I love that you would never use your smartness to make other people feel dumb.
And I love the way you squash your nose to your top lip when you watch telly.
I love the way kiwi fruit makes you sneeze, and I love that you never seem to feel the cold.
Oh, God, I love that you love the theme tune to Bert And Ernie the way normal people love Unchained Melody.
I love the way you can't get to sleep unless you've got my legs draped over yours.
And I love that you are always kind to strangers and children.
I love how much you loved me.
Pure and unconditionally, always with undemanding generosity.
It's like you've made up love from scratch and introduced it to a broken and parched world.
I love you my husband.
Hey.
You all right? I've got to pick up the keys to the hall.
You want to come with? Why does it need two of us? I just fancy some company.
Dad, this place is terrible.
Yeah, its going to be fine.
Dad.
It's what she wants.
All right? OK? Is this how it's going to be? How what's going to be? When she's gone.
You're going to be great.
I don't know how.
It's going to be shit.
It's going to be a shit time.
Look, let's not give her what she wants.
Let's give her what she needs.
Come on.
We've got the best wedding in the world to throw together in less than 48 hours.
Where are we going? We drive off in all directions, making a plan.
Check.
Second, we make a list of everyone we've saved from certain death.
Check.
Third, we go round and call in some serious favours.
Check.
Who's first? Well, don't look at me.
I'm a 16-year-old schoolboy.
You're the ones with the electric paddles.
Victor Chips! The chip shop guy.
Your dad spent an hour pounding on his ribs to get his lard-filled ticker going.
He could do the food.
Sword swallower! Entertainment isn't the priority.
Venue is the pressing - I am talking wedding venue! Huh? Big top.
That's brilliant.
This is going to be a great wedding.
Is Fabiana here? Gone.
I was hoping to erm I wanted to Look, I was maybe a bit rude before and I wanted - A bit? Well, OK, I was rude before and I - You messed with the wrong South American.
She started it And she will end it.
Wait and see.
Three hundred and twenty pounds and fifty pence.
All right.
Oi! Careful with them flaps, She said, not for the first time.
Thank you, thank you.
Well you said big enough for a thousand, right? A hundred, actually.
Well, maybe some of your guests will befat.
So, that's it, then? Just because you are a bit crap with money? Well, there's more to it than that.
Such as? No.
Now I think about it, that is the reason.
Fool.
Me? Her.
Best we test it out, I think.
Elf and safety and all that What was that, Joe? Nothing.
Secret nothing.
Oh, erpornography.
I'm sorry, Mum.
I'm curious about the changes going on in my body.
I'm sorry, Mum.
I'm curious about the changes going on in my body.
OK.
You're eleven.
That's not happening for another three years.
So open up and show me what's so bad that porn was a better fess-up.
Joe.
You can't cure me, Joe.
No-one can.
What eases my pain is to spend time with you.
Extra minutes with you makes me live longer.
So don't hide away up here, please.
Sometimes we just have to accept that we can't fix stuff.
We have to let it be.
It's not fair.
It's not massively, no.
Hitler got more time than you.
And Stalin.
And Mao.
Even Anna Nicole Smith got to be thirty-nine and a half.
That last one rankles.
What do you think happens? When? When we die.
No-one knows, my love.
I think I know.
At least, I know what most scientists think.
Most scientists are Most scientists are atheists.
Come with me.
I want to show you something.
Einstein, Newton, Hawking? All crap.
Only God can make a tree.
Only God can make a soul.
Only God can make eternity.
So don't think you can leave your socks lying around next year and get away with it.
Look, another miracle.
Just left lying around in the square.
Dick, I've had an idea about my speech.
Erhang on a minute.
Can I come in? No.
No.
Cos I'm not decent.
What's with all the flashing? I'm decorating it inside with fairy lights.
Never mind, I'll ask Gina, don't worry.
Oh, man.
Rebound Pixie.
Bad role.
Hey.
Doesn't look half bad, does it? Do you want to come and see our amazing handy work? Does magnesium burn under water? It does.
I do.
Grr! Grr! Don't drop him! You were responsible for this, weren't you, beanie boy? No, it was Dad.
Dad and people who love Dad.
Yeah, but But you showed him he was in a hole and pointed the way out.
Yeah, maybe.
That's your job now, you know that, don't you? What? You're the one.
You're the one who sees the world the way it is.
Your Dad and Joe, they're dreamers.
You and I are more alike in that way.
Pair of head bangers, you mean? I know it's been hard for you sometimes, Joe being the one everyone coos over.
He's special.
Yeah, he is.
My point is that you're very special as well.
You're tough and funny and real, Harry.
I love you, Mum.
I love you, too.
You never say you love people.
I'm making an exception in this case.
Told you you were special.
Come on, then.
Name three reasons.
Well, you know, because you were very persistent.
And I took pity on you in the end.
And because you're my man.
And, besides, Lil McCabe sounds like a badass '30s gangster! And, besides, Lil McCabe sounds like a badass '30s gangster! Here she is.
You look beautiful.
Nice dress, by the way.
Thanks.
Look at you, Joe.
OK? Are you all right, mate? Your own dress.
Come here.
Get off.
Come on then, Dickie, let's get this show on the road, son.
Wahey! Hey! Here we come! Hey.
Hi.
Slightly warm beers generously, if unknowingly, donated by my boss.
Hi.
Slightly warm beers generously, if unknowingly, donated by my boss.
To finding your one true love.
Yeah, I'll drink to that.
Cheers.
Cheers.
I'm just going to have one last scout round, see if he's here somewhere.
There he is.
Seen Eros? Yeah, he's dreamy.
No, I mean, seen him recently? Nope.
He's not how everyone says.
God of love and ASBOs.
Listen, Harry, Eros is OK.
All that bad stuff in Mum's files was when he was young.
He's 17.
Younger, then.
Reformed now he's too old for juvenile sentencing, has he? Tie a knot in it.
And the balloon.
Bollocks.
You've got two choices, Eros.
Put them back, or I'll beat the living crap out of you and then you can put them back with the one good arm I'll leave you for the purpose.
Babsiepoos.
Best man time.
Come on, you know strike a blow for female emancipation, please.
Come on, you know strike a blow for female emancipation, please.
Come on, Babsiepoos.
Ladies and gentlemen, the best man.
Come on! Right, I'm nono good at saying things that need to be said.
But erm well, I hope I can sing them.
Are you ready? Are you ready? Are you ready? Are you ready? Are you ready for the time of your life? It's time to stand up and fight It's all right All right From the highest mountain, valley low We'll join together With hearts of gold We'll be living in a world of peace On the day when everyone is free On the day when everyone is free We'll bring the young and the old Won't you let your love flow From your heart Every woman, every man Join the caravan of love Stand up Stand up Stand up Everybody take a stand Join the caravan of love Stand up Stand up Stand up You're my brother You're my brother, don't you know? You're my sister You're my sister, don't you know? From the highest mountain, valley low We'll join together With hearts of gold Every woman every man Join the caravan of love Join the caravan of love Cheers, guys.
Hey Hi.
Your mum was amazing, unlike Eros, I hear.
Ladies and gentlemen, the happy couple.
You know what I like? What? I like that you haven't said I told you so.
Told you.
OK.
You were too good for him.
I'm lucky to have you as a not quite brother.
What if I choose not to come back, Ed? After the Honeymoon.
What? What if we just? What if we just keep going? What if we take the boys out of school? What if we have you take compassionate leave? What if we just keep driving and driving? That's a plan, isn't it? And what if all us went there, but only three came home? Cos I don't want to die in a hospital, Ed.
No, you And then when I'm really bored of your company, I come and kiss you and the boys when you're asleep, I go for a very, very long swim.
I have to I have to take control because I want control and you know how I The door! Somebody get the door.
See you later! We love you, Lil.
Thank you, mate.
See you later.
Have a great one.
See you later, mate.
See you, Uncle Dickie.
Hey, look after her.
The bus, I mean.
Everybody set? Yep, let's go.
Captain's log.
Come back, Dickie.
Come on.
What an absolute helmet.
Shut up! Right, let's see if anyone has any jump leads.
You know what? I'm very I'm tired.
It's no big deal, but maybe we could just go to a motel.
The boys could stay with Dickie, we'll get them in the morning.
OK.
Come on, then.
Makes sense.
Lillie's shattered.
I'm going to take her somewhere really nice.
Well, as nice as I can afford, anyway.
Would you have the kids and we'll get her going in the morning? Yeah, of course, I will.
Sorry about that.
It's all right, mate.
I take it you'll be needing a lift, treacle.
A fistful of regulations being broken there, Floridia.
Don't be a wuss.
Let's go.
I love you, Mum.
See you later, Dad.
Love you, Mum.
Bye, guys.
Here we go.
Be good, you guys.
Don't stay up too late.
No drinking, Harry.
Bye! Bye! See you later! Cheers! Thanks for everything.
I love how much you love me pure and unconditionally.
I love youmy husband.
Hi, Eros.
Harry, I owe you.
I saw Dickie today.
He was helpful with a patient I got stuck with.
I let you out of my sight and you slide back two years.
You have a grade three tumour at the top of your brain stem.
Who's Fabiana? I thought I wanted my old life back.
I realised all I wanted was you.
Don't do it again.
How long? Six months, maybe less.
No, because that No, that is five thousand I know that's what it is.
Lil? Morning! Dad.
Dad.
Talk to her.
Talk to her.
I need to speak to her, OK, OK.
What? The The boys and I have discussed it and it's not enough.
It is plenty and it is also all you are allowed to spend now.
We had big plans.
Which, due to a change in circumstances, have been officially cancelled.
So new plan, fast and cheap.
£500, baby.
You can't get much for that these days Edward, I have sold my 'useless, never-once-made-me-a-millionaire' premium bonds and the wedding will cost what I got for them.
Exhibit A: 500 quid.
We are not borrowing money, not now.
That's not what I want, Ed.
Harry.
Will you please go and take the entire contents of your wardrobe off the floor in your room, put it in the large basket whose use you do not seem to understand? Take the mystery basket to the white thing with a round window in it, and see if you can work out what it does.
Lets hope it's some domestic robot we haven't fired up yet.
No, no, that's me.
And I am about to retire.
I've saved some money.
Birthdays, Christmas and exam results.
Which you're not wasting on floral table decorations.
The goldfish have disappeared behind a wall of green.
Go and do something about that.
Thank you.
We wanted a perfect day.
And it will be.
£500 worth of perfection.
OK.
I'll check the Millennium Community Hall.
Oh, sounds nice.
I shouldn't.
I wouldn't I mean, I haven't.
Oh, but you're such a good public speaker, Babs.
It's just cruel, though, isn't it? Why don't you ask Dickie to do it? He is Eddie's oldest friend, and he is actually a man! As in, you know, best man! Yeah, apparently, I seem to be the last feminist on earth and I don't understand why the women stay silent in this cave-man-created ceremony.
So you're best man.
And Dickie, by the way, is going to be busy.
With what? Well, I'm gonna talk to him first.
I'm trying to make sure that everyone else has something to occupy themselves while I prepare.
For the wedding? No, for after the wedding.
Oh, Lord.
What can I do to help, then? You can be my best man.
No! No! Wait! Wait! Wait! No! Hang on! How about if I was the wedding dress woman, organiser type thing? Because you'd be completely shit and that's why God gave us Abbey.
Yeah, I'm going to be absolutely shit at this! You know, spectacular, epic shit! I'm shit at public speaking! You can't take this on honeymoon.
She'll be fine.
Please, Lil, it's miles! I know, but it's got an engine and six wheels.
What do you think they're for? Where will I live? In our house.
We're going to take the boys.
You know, time's precious.
I'll have to fix things up a bit.
You think? She could probably do with a run, actually.
Free honeymoon - tick.
All right, with the economy package you have cocktail of prawns or soup of oxtail for the starter.
Erm Prawn cocktail, I guess.
Good.
Actually, no.
Sorry, no.
That's the deluxe option.
With the eco package it's soup of oxtail or juice d'orange, tumbler.
Lets go forhalf soup, half orange juice.
An artful compromise, my friend.
What about decorations? Can you do anything to make it look lessshite? Afraid not.
Come on.
Cheer up, Ed.
We've had dead bodies in the back on better form than you.
Sorry.
Is it totally shit, bruv? It's a one-day-at-a-time thing.
What, today is especially bad? I wanted it to be magical and, you know, this place is just rubbish.
Listen, dim wit.
If you're not happy with the Aldi cut-price wedding, let's do something about it.
Why don't you just remortgage the house? I can't.
Why not? Because it's not what Lillie wants.
Quick, it's Stupendo.
He's done it again.
Hey.
All right, mate? OK, guys, move aside, move aside.
Cheers.
It's the scimitars, see? They sometimes get stuck.
Yeah, its probably best not to talk, Stupendo.
OK.
Call me Steve.
It's best not to talk, Steve.
Flo will drive us slowly over the bumps and we'll soon have you and your pointy friend in separate beds.
Yeah? Whoa! Oh, hello.
I've been asked to be Lillie's best woman.
Oh, that's nice.
No, it's not.
I've got to talk.
Out loud in front of people.
You'll be fine.
No, I won't be fine.
I will not be in the same post code as fine.
I will, be in Meltdown, Tennessee.
I will be the Lady Mayoress of Meltdown.
Just say the bride looks lovely and you make a toast.
All right, erm Let me try some lines on you.
Don't do lines.
Ahem.
Did you hear the one about the newlywed who had a heart attack every time she orgasmed? She didn't know whether she was coming or going.
You're not serious? I just thought it would be weird if no-one mentioned death or anything.
Babs, there is not a human being alive who thinks like that.
I'm panicking.
All right, I'm in a flat out spin, from which I will never recover.
There are people on fire who are in less of a panic than me.
You're gonna be fine.
I'm going to die, aren't I? I'm going to die on stage like Tommy Cooper without the preceding hilarity.
Ladies and gentlemen, please raise your glasses to Edward and his beautiful new bride Lillian.
Oh, you'd love it to be that simple, wouldn't you? Help me scrub and I'll work on some gags for you.
No.
You were right.
I've got to go for poetic.
Epic.
Not a dry eye in the house.
Did I say that? I'll be back! And when I am, I am gonna make Terms Of Endearment look like the Cannon And Ball Christmas special.
I can't believe you've stolen this many dresses.
No, just borrowed.
Listen, I still really want to see you in this one.
OK, but, you know, just one more, then I've got stuff to do.
Abs, can I ask you one more favour? Mm-hm.
Can you make me up? Yeah.
Of course.
I'll be round at dawn Saturday with an artic lorry full of paints and potions.
No, I mean, like now.
Can you make me look good today? Yeah, sure.
I want to look my best today.
I have something to do.
That's no problem.
Well, that's the one, isn't it? OK.
It'll do.
OK.
Yes? No? No.
The key is not to fumble and, in an ideal world, do it one-handed.
And you must walk a very fine line between being so flash at it that you are an obvious male slut and giving off the unmistakable funk of the virgin.
So, the secret of taking off a bra is - drum roll, please - So, the secret of taking off a bra is - drum roll, please - pinch the clasp together with thumb and forefinger, that sucker will just ping right off.
Have a shot.
Jock.
Goth.
So, don't blame me if I don't do this right.
It's my first time.
She's cool.
Your mum.
Yeah, she is.
See you at the wedding? Not if I see you first.
Bringing a date? Oh, yeah because 'Hi, do you want to come see my dying mum's emergency wedding?' is such a girl catcher.
Fair point.
You? Eros.
Still ploughing on with that one? You're annoyed about the club thing.
I'm sorry.
In a life smothered in cool, that was less than cool.
No worries.
Pass the ball, lads.
And don't let any girl treat you badly.
And don't pine.
If you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you, go out and love someone else, OK? Someone smart enough to love you back, Joey.
What's wrong with the dry cleaners on the corner, anyhow? Vintage lace has to be handled with care.
These guys are the best.
Just drive.
Madam.
Hi.
We've got one antique lace wedding dress that needs cleaning and a suit that needs altering.
No problem.
Thanks.
Pretty dress.
Yeah, isn't it lovely? When you getting married? Oh, it's not for me.
Shame, you'd look very pretty in the dress.
And out of it.
Don't talk to the customers, Fabi, you are not house trained.
Where's the suit, lovely? I'll sort out the money, babe.
Do you want to get it? You don't return my texts.
That's not polite.
It was a mistake to text you.
It was a mistake to talk to you.
And its not one I'm going to make again.
OK? That's the thing with mistakes.
They can be infectious.
There you go.
Address? What do want my address for? No address, no alteration.
I don't want to give you my address.
Flat 3, 11, Margaret Square.
They just to make sure we're not gonna do a runner.
Ready by seven.
Thank you.
See you.
Bye-bye.
Later.
What? When you come to pick up your suitsir.
Dickie! Hey.
How are you? I'm good, good.
How's your horrible little computer doing? Not a peep of trouble out of it since you caressed it with your magic fingers.
Look.
It works like a dream.
That's what I like to hear.
Listen, Imp, I need a favour.
You know, for all the years of free technical support I've given you.
Anything for you, my hero.
You know that.
Anything your missus would let me, anyhow.
Yeah, well, that's not much of a restriction any more.
What do you need? How does this sound? How did you get in here? Through the door.
Can't you knock? I could if you ask nicely.
Now, I want you to have a listen to my speech.
I'm going for highly emotional and poetic.
Can't Dickie help you? Dickie cries during the Iceland adverts.
Very moved by what a good mother Kerry is.
I need someone with rocks instead of a heart.
When my best friend from childhood was struck down by an inoperable brain tumour - Stop.
Tearing up? No.
Do not say anything other than 'Ladies and gentlemen, please raise you glasses.
' No, seriously, Babs.
Just those words.
You can add their names if you are feeling really ambitious.
Otherwise it will be ten different kinds of nightmare.
Some people are not meant to make speeches.
You are all of them.
I've got a poem.
By? Sylvia Plath.
Get out.
I love the way you don't know how to stay mad at me.
And I love that baked beans on baguette are your idea of luxury.
I loved all the Post-Its, in all the sock draws, and glove compartments and overnight bags that said 'I love you'.
And I love that you would never use your smartness to make other people feel dumb.
And I love the way you squash your nose to your top lip when you watch telly.
I love the way kiwi fruit makes you sneeze, and I love that you never seem to feel the cold.
Oh, God, I love that you love the theme tune to Bert And Ernie the way normal people love Unchained Melody.
I love the way you can't get to sleep unless you've got my legs draped over yours.
And I love that you are always kind to strangers and children.
I love how much you loved me.
Pure and unconditionally, always with undemanding generosity.
It's like you've made up love from scratch and introduced it to a broken and parched world.
I love you my husband.
Hey.
You all right? I've got to pick up the keys to the hall.
You want to come with? Why does it need two of us? I just fancy some company.
Dad, this place is terrible.
Yeah, its going to be fine.
Dad.
It's what she wants.
All right? OK? Is this how it's going to be? How what's going to be? When she's gone.
You're going to be great.
I don't know how.
It's going to be shit.
It's going to be a shit time.
Look, let's not give her what she wants.
Let's give her what she needs.
Come on.
We've got the best wedding in the world to throw together in less than 48 hours.
Where are we going? We drive off in all directions, making a plan.
Check.
Second, we make a list of everyone we've saved from certain death.
Check.
Third, we go round and call in some serious favours.
Check.
Who's first? Well, don't look at me.
I'm a 16-year-old schoolboy.
You're the ones with the electric paddles.
Victor Chips! The chip shop guy.
Your dad spent an hour pounding on his ribs to get his lard-filled ticker going.
He could do the food.
Sword swallower! Entertainment isn't the priority.
Venue is the pressing - I am talking wedding venue! Huh? Big top.
That's brilliant.
This is going to be a great wedding.
Is Fabiana here? Gone.
I was hoping to erm I wanted to Look, I was maybe a bit rude before and I wanted - A bit? Well, OK, I was rude before and I - You messed with the wrong South American.
She started it And she will end it.
Wait and see.
Three hundred and twenty pounds and fifty pence.
All right.
Oi! Careful with them flaps, She said, not for the first time.
Thank you, thank you.
Well you said big enough for a thousand, right? A hundred, actually.
Well, maybe some of your guests will befat.
So, that's it, then? Just because you are a bit crap with money? Well, there's more to it than that.
Such as? No.
Now I think about it, that is the reason.
Fool.
Me? Her.
Best we test it out, I think.
Elf and safety and all that What was that, Joe? Nothing.
Secret nothing.
Oh, erpornography.
I'm sorry, Mum.
I'm curious about the changes going on in my body.
I'm sorry, Mum.
I'm curious about the changes going on in my body.
OK.
You're eleven.
That's not happening for another three years.
So open up and show me what's so bad that porn was a better fess-up.
Joe.
You can't cure me, Joe.
No-one can.
What eases my pain is to spend time with you.
Extra minutes with you makes me live longer.
So don't hide away up here, please.
Sometimes we just have to accept that we can't fix stuff.
We have to let it be.
It's not fair.
It's not massively, no.
Hitler got more time than you.
And Stalin.
And Mao.
Even Anna Nicole Smith got to be thirty-nine and a half.
That last one rankles.
What do you think happens? When? When we die.
No-one knows, my love.
I think I know.
At least, I know what most scientists think.
Most scientists are Most scientists are atheists.
Come with me.
I want to show you something.
Einstein, Newton, Hawking? All crap.
Only God can make a tree.
Only God can make a soul.
Only God can make eternity.
So don't think you can leave your socks lying around next year and get away with it.
Look, another miracle.
Just left lying around in the square.
Dick, I've had an idea about my speech.
Erhang on a minute.
Can I come in? No.
No.
Cos I'm not decent.
What's with all the flashing? I'm decorating it inside with fairy lights.
Never mind, I'll ask Gina, don't worry.
Oh, man.
Rebound Pixie.
Bad role.
Hey.
Doesn't look half bad, does it? Do you want to come and see our amazing handy work? Does magnesium burn under water? It does.
I do.
Grr! Grr! Don't drop him! You were responsible for this, weren't you, beanie boy? No, it was Dad.
Dad and people who love Dad.
Yeah, but But you showed him he was in a hole and pointed the way out.
Yeah, maybe.
That's your job now, you know that, don't you? What? You're the one.
You're the one who sees the world the way it is.
Your Dad and Joe, they're dreamers.
You and I are more alike in that way.
Pair of head bangers, you mean? I know it's been hard for you sometimes, Joe being the one everyone coos over.
He's special.
Yeah, he is.
My point is that you're very special as well.
You're tough and funny and real, Harry.
I love you, Mum.
I love you, too.
You never say you love people.
I'm making an exception in this case.
Told you you were special.
Come on, then.
Name three reasons.
Well, you know, because you were very persistent.
And I took pity on you in the end.
And because you're my man.
And, besides, Lil McCabe sounds like a badass '30s gangster! And, besides, Lil McCabe sounds like a badass '30s gangster! Here she is.
You look beautiful.
Nice dress, by the way.
Thanks.
Look at you, Joe.
OK? Are you all right, mate? Your own dress.
Come here.
Get off.
Come on then, Dickie, let's get this show on the road, son.
Wahey! Hey! Here we come! Hey.
Hi.
Slightly warm beers generously, if unknowingly, donated by my boss.
Hi.
Slightly warm beers generously, if unknowingly, donated by my boss.
To finding your one true love.
Yeah, I'll drink to that.
Cheers.
Cheers.
I'm just going to have one last scout round, see if he's here somewhere.
There he is.
Seen Eros? Yeah, he's dreamy.
No, I mean, seen him recently? Nope.
He's not how everyone says.
God of love and ASBOs.
Listen, Harry, Eros is OK.
All that bad stuff in Mum's files was when he was young.
He's 17.
Younger, then.
Reformed now he's too old for juvenile sentencing, has he? Tie a knot in it.
And the balloon.
Bollocks.
You've got two choices, Eros.
Put them back, or I'll beat the living crap out of you and then you can put them back with the one good arm I'll leave you for the purpose.
Babsiepoos.
Best man time.
Come on, you know strike a blow for female emancipation, please.
Come on, you know strike a blow for female emancipation, please.
Come on, Babsiepoos.
Ladies and gentlemen, the best man.
Come on! Right, I'm nono good at saying things that need to be said.
But erm well, I hope I can sing them.
Are you ready? Are you ready? Are you ready? Are you ready? Are you ready for the time of your life? It's time to stand up and fight It's all right All right From the highest mountain, valley low We'll join together With hearts of gold We'll be living in a world of peace On the day when everyone is free On the day when everyone is free We'll bring the young and the old Won't you let your love flow From your heart Every woman, every man Join the caravan of love Stand up Stand up Stand up Everybody take a stand Join the caravan of love Stand up Stand up Stand up You're my brother You're my brother, don't you know? You're my sister You're my sister, don't you know? From the highest mountain, valley low We'll join together With hearts of gold Every woman every man Join the caravan of love Join the caravan of love Cheers, guys.
Hey Hi.
Your mum was amazing, unlike Eros, I hear.
Ladies and gentlemen, the happy couple.
You know what I like? What? I like that you haven't said I told you so.
Told you.
OK.
You were too good for him.
I'm lucky to have you as a not quite brother.
What if I choose not to come back, Ed? After the Honeymoon.
What? What if we just? What if we just keep going? What if we take the boys out of school? What if we have you take compassionate leave? What if we just keep driving and driving? That's a plan, isn't it? And what if all us went there, but only three came home? Cos I don't want to die in a hospital, Ed.
No, you And then when I'm really bored of your company, I come and kiss you and the boys when you're asleep, I go for a very, very long swim.
I have to I have to take control because I want control and you know how I The door! Somebody get the door.
See you later! We love you, Lil.
Thank you, mate.
See you later.
Have a great one.
See you later, mate.
See you, Uncle Dickie.
Hey, look after her.
The bus, I mean.
Everybody set? Yep, let's go.
Captain's log.
Come back, Dickie.
Come on.
What an absolute helmet.
Shut up! Right, let's see if anyone has any jump leads.
You know what? I'm very I'm tired.
It's no big deal, but maybe we could just go to a motel.
The boys could stay with Dickie, we'll get them in the morning.
OK.
Come on, then.
Makes sense.
Lillie's shattered.
I'm going to take her somewhere really nice.
Well, as nice as I can afford, anyway.
Would you have the kids and we'll get her going in the morning? Yeah, of course, I will.
Sorry about that.
It's all right, mate.
I take it you'll be needing a lift, treacle.
A fistful of regulations being broken there, Floridia.
Don't be a wuss.
Let's go.
I love you, Mum.
See you later, Dad.
Love you, Mum.
Bye, guys.
Here we go.
Be good, you guys.
Don't stay up too late.
No drinking, Harry.
Bye! Bye! See you later! Cheers! Thanks for everything.
I love how much you love me pure and unconditionally.
I love youmy husband.