Marvin, Marvin (2012) s01e05 Episode Script

All right, all right.
One slice left.
I say we draw for it.
Like two gunslingers in the old west, hmm? On three.
One, two Ah-choo! Ugh.
Take it.
Hmm, yep.
Fastest snot in the west.
I'm in love.
She has a beautiful frame, a great seat, and absolutely no gas inside of her whatsoever.
They're all like that till you marry 'em.
It's not a girl.
It's a bike.
I saw one today.
It was amazing.
It had two big wheels and two smaller wheels for extra speed.
Marvin, those aren't for speed.
Those are training wheels.
Oh, yeah.
- Humanoid parents? - Yeah? I want to buy a bike.
So will you hand me some of your green purchasing paper? Money? Marvin, we already gave you your allowance.
But I already used it a goldfish and little tiny flip-flops for my goldfish.
I'm sorry, Marvin, once you've spent your allowance, that's it.
Well, why does Teri have so much more money than me? - Teri's got a job.
- Yeah.
Oh, then I'll get a job.
Ooh, Marvin, that's not a good idea.
I mean, if you get a job, people are even more likely to find out that you're an alien.
But I really want a big boy four-Wheeler.
Of course, if there was somebody there to, you know, kind of watch out for him - Yeah.
- Oh, hey, Teri.
Didn't you say your boss was looking for help? What? No, did I say that? I didn't say that.
Why would I say that? Because it's true.
I mean, you got Brianna a job with you.
Clearly, you can get Marvin a job with you.
Thank you, Henry.
Yep.
My work here is done.
So what do you think Teri? You think you could keep an eye on him? Oh, come on, I mean it's bad enough I had to take a job at a burger place to pay for those Katy Perry tickets.
And now you want me to work there with my weird brother? - He's not that weird.
- Yeah.
Really? And what about his grooming habits? Hey, so he grooms himself like a cat.
Yeah.
At least he stopped pukin' up hair balls.
Marvin, you don't want to work at burger on a bun.
I mean, you have to deal with angry customers, scrub toilets, and you end up smelling like pickles and onions.
You get to scrub toilets and smell like pickles and onions and they pay you? I want to work there.
I want to work there! This is my home planet, Klooton.
These are the Klerg.
They hate Klooton.
To protect me, my parents sent me away while they stayed to fight the Klerg.
Eat it, Klerg! I landed on earth and took the form of a human.
At first, I was scared.
Fortunately, I met a very nice family.
Hello, I'm Marvin! That's how we greet people on Klooton.
It's very polite.
They agreed to raise me like their own son until the Klerg were defeated.
Now I'm living a secret life as a normal American kid.
And you can barely tell I'm different.
I'm at work.
I'll take my bicycle money now.
That's not how work works, Marvin.
You work all week, and you get paid on Friday.
Yeah, now the first thing you need to know is the customer is always right.
- Always right? - Always right.
Even if he says puppies aren't cute? Because that's just crazy talk.
Marvin, "the customer's always right" is just an expression meaning don't argue with the customer.
Okay, but what if the customer comes in and asks me to argue with them? Oh, this is not gonna end well.
You're gonna be fine.
Just do what I do: focus only on those Katy Perry tickets.
Is that why you burnt all those burgers? Katy Perry.
This the new guy? Oh, hello, Mr.
Butt Sniffer.
It's pronounced boosnifer.
The "I" is long, the "ts" are silent.
Are you sure? Because it says "butt sniffer.
" Just call him "sir.
" Got it.
Sir butt sniffer.
I don't have time for this.
I have a serious meeting with the silly straw people.
And you need to read this.
Ooh, the employee handbook.
I love reading.
Wait, is this a scary book? Because scary books give me nightmares.
He's joking.
Read it tonight.
It'll tell you all the rules you'll need to follow if you're gonna work here.
Now, I need one of you to clean the grill.
Ooh! Ooh, pick me.
Pick me.
You want to clean the grill? Only if I get to scrub the toilet first.
That kid really has enthusiasm.
He also has something else, but I don't think it's been diagnosed yet.
All right, easy does it now.
Lift with your legs.
It might be easier if we lifted with your legs.
Hey, what's with the suitcase? Well, you know how we like to go to the airport and buy unclaimed luggage? I didn't.
And yet I'm not surprised.
Well, this time, we hit the jackpot.
Read the name on this bag.
Oh, "B.
Gates?" B.
Gates, as in bill gates, as in billionaire gates.
See, he lost his suitcase in the Portland airport 20 years ago.
That's a well-known fact.
Or a well-known rumor.
Rumor, fact, same thing.
Point is, this could have a million dollars in it.
You guys think that bill gates never bothered to get back a suitcase that could have a million dollars in it? Yes.
Okay, this should be good.
Open it up.
We can't.
It's locked.
Wow, you guys really thought this through, huh? Now what? Bill gates was born October 28th.
So: one, zero, two, eight.
So he didn't use his birthday as the combination? Shocking! Please tell me we have a backup plan.
Of course we do.
Oh! It worked.
I think I heard something break.
That was my hip.
- Hey, dad.
- Hey.
This employee handbook is a real page-Turner.
I mean, there's this character in this book called "employee," and he has to keep washing his hands.
And if he doesn't, he gets a visit from Dun-dun-dun The health inspector.
Well, Marvin, how was your first day at work? Well, if I had to rate it on a scale from one to ten, I'd give it a one Zillion that is! It was so fun! Fun? What part was fun? Well, don't you remember when that customer was doing that awesome dance? Marvin, he was choking on a pickle.
Oh, so that's why Mr.
Butt Sniffer kept punching him in the stomach.
Marvin, I am so tired of hearing about work.
We're not at work right now.
I mean, I don't want to talk about it.
- Yeah, you know what? There's a saying: "Don't take your work home with you.
" - Yeah.
- Oh, well.
Founder of burger on a bun, colonel Phineas T.
Bunsworth, also has a saying.
"If you don't take your work home with you, you're fired.
" All right, I'll be upstairs reading the exciting next chapter of the handbook.
I hope "employee" doesn't die.
- Hey, Mr.
Forman.
- Hey.
- Hey, dad.
- Hey.
- What are you doing here? - I was on a run.
I thought I'd stop by and see how my kids were doing at work.
I got to tell you, I am so proud of you guys taking the responsibility Please, dad.
You're just here because mom won't let you eat burgers and fries on your new diet.
No, not 'cause I can't eat burgers.
Do you have any samples? Like, maybe just some free samples? That'd be great.
Okay, fine.
Thanks.
Mmm, that's good I think.
But maybe I should try another sample to clarify the feelings on this sample.
I was right.
It's good.
Oh, no, you didn't! Hey, Marvin, what's wrong? Teri just violated Section 14, paragraph a in the employee handbook.
You can't give out multiple samples.
That's 50 demerit points.
Demerit points? It's the system in the employee handbook that gives you, like, bad points for every bad behavior you do.
And if you collect too many demerit points, you can be fired.
Or even worse, have your burger hat revoked.
Okay, back to my run.
Who am I kidding? I took the bus here.
In case it makes a lot of stops.
So this is a first.
Who reorganized the freezer, cut the vegetables, and cleaned the bathroom? - This guy, this guy, and this guy.
- And the lemon slice in the toilet water? It adds a touch of class.
And who told you to do those things? The employee handbook.
Chapter 12.
All employees should do whatever it takes to make burger on a bun the best restaurant in the entire burgerverse.
I like your gumption, Marvin.
Thanks! Is it showing? You remind me of a young Phineas t.
Bunsworth.
Which is why I'm promoting you to assistant manager.
What? Here's your new assistant manager badge.
Ow! I think I stabbed myself in the gumption.
Oh.
He's joking right? Yeah, joking.
This is a tough nut to crack.
You know whatever's inside there is worth a fortune, or bill gates wouldn't have made it so tough to break into.
Yeah, yeah.
Step aside, rookie.
Let a man show you how it's done.
Oh, ho, ho, ho.
What kind of a swing was that? Who taught you how to play baseball? You did.
Well, I'm a terrible teacher.
Let me have that.
Here comes the pitch.
It worked! I think I heard something break.
No, that was my wrist.
Oh, wait, wait.
Hey, guys.
What you doing? Watching a video of a giraffe roller skating.
It's hilarious.
You want to know what's not hilarious? These tomatoes you sliced.
These are all too thick, and these are all too thin.
This one's perfect.
Sadly, I touched it, so we have to throw it away.
So burger flash! This whole tomato fiasco cost you 100 demerit points.
But no big deal.
You'll bounce back.
Marvin, you're taking this job way too seriously.
I mean, you only got it so you could have enough money for a bike.
Bike? I don't have any time for a silly bike.
I've got a burger empire to assistant manage.
- Now back to work.
- Okay, just give us a minute.
I mean, there's no one at the counter.
Insubordination of a direct order.
200 more demerit points, which puts you at Ooh.
Brianna, take your break now.
Okay.
Teri, you now have 500 demerit points.
According to the employee handbook, I have no choice but to dismiss you.
You're firing me? But I got you this job.
And that's one of the reasons I'm not having you escorted out by security.
Marvin, we don't have security.
That's the other reason.
I cannot believe you.
I'm gonna need your hat.
I said I'm going to need Your hat.
Thank you for working at burger on a bun.
Have a nice day.
Hey, Teri.
Heard you had a rough day at work.
You heard? Yeah, tough break.
I didn't have an easy day myself.
Had to fire someone.
Why are you acting like you didn't just fire me? Because you and Dad Bob said I shouldn't bring my work home with me.
And I really respect you guys.
When you fire someone, work does go home with them.
Now I can't buy Katy Perry tickets.
Teri, I know how you're feeling.
And I'm going to tell you something that'll make you feel better.
It doesn't matter, because I wasn't going to give you that night off anyway.
Come on, open up, you stupid suitcase.
Put some muscle into it, shrimp.
Put some youth into it, wrinkles.
Come on, put some effort into it.
I'm too tired to insult you.
Me too Old fart.
What's going on? I've been waiting way too long.
You're right.
You have been waiting way too long.
This is unacceptable.
You're right.
This is unacceptable.
You say "you're right" way too much.
You're right.
I do say "you're right" way too much.
Hey, my wife is in labor, and if I don't get my food right now, I might miss the birth of my child.
You're right.
You will miss the birth of your child! - Where's my food? - Yeah! Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Back off.
They're really busy back there.
Hey, you're not too busy to grab some more of those free samples, are you? Dad Bob, can't you see I'm in the middle of a customer crisis? Oh, okay.
I'm just gonna use the bathroom.
Sir, the restroom is only for paying customers.
That is so cold.
- Let me check on your food.
- Finally.
Brianna, what is taking so long? Oh, I don't know.
Maybe the fact that you fired Teri and left me shorthanded.
Hey.
These are not up to tomato code! No! There's a nonregulation tomato on that burger! Drop that burger! What is wrong with you? I did that for your own good, sir.
Sir? These tomatoes are too thick.
These patties are too thin.
And these cheese slices are an embarrassment.
Start over! But there's not enough time.
I'm only one person.
200 demerit points for only being one person.
I wonder how many points this is gonna earn me.
I quit! Quit? Well, then I'm gonna need your Hat.
If I don't get my food right now, I'm going to taco in a shell.
No, don't, I'll have your food out right now.
Just give me a second.
There's not enough time.
Unless I do it the klootonian way.
Hey, everybody, free drinks at the soda machine! Good job, assistant manager.
Food's ready! Did those burgers just come from your stomach? This place is disgusting! Wait, come back! I haven't even made the fries yet.
Customers leaving.
Marvin, what's going on? What happened to Teri and Brianna? I fired Teri, and Brianna quit just before I could fire her too.
Don't you hate that? What I hate is losing customers.
It's okay.
Why'd you fire them? The employee handbook told me to.
Employee handbook? Who cares about that thing? You don't? Marvin, if you're gonna manage people, you have to treat them like people, and people make mistakes.
Plus, to handle rush hour at a restaurant, you need a team, and you just got rid of our whole team.
I'm sorry.
I really messed up.
But don't worry.
I know exactly what I have to do.
Marvin, as the assistant manager, I'm gonna have to let you go.
What, did you tell Mr.
Butt Sniffer about this? It's Bow Snifer, now grab your stuff and go.
Can I at least keep my hat? I think not.
Now good day, sir.
But I said good day.
I'm going to need your Hat.
He really needs to get diagnosed.
We got to make sure we got enough fireworks stuck on this case to blow it open.
Are you sure this is safe? No.
Cool.
Run! Hey, there you guys are.
There's something I want to tell you about that suitcase.
That suitcase is toast.
Wait a minute.
I can't believe that thing was just filled with underwear.
Well, that's what I was trying to tell you.
It's the suitcase that's valuable.
I saw it online.
It's custom-made.
It sells for, like, $10,000.
How could we be so stupid? I'm ten.
What's your excuse? Teri, can I talk to you? Mm, no.
Teri, please, I really Marvin, I'm not talking to you.
Fine.
You leave me no choice.
Teri, I'm sorry.
Who cares, Marvin? No, I really am.
By trying to make the restaurant better, I actually made it worse.
Yeah, you did, Marvin.
Plus I put my job ahead of my family, and nothing is more important than family.
I'm really sorry, Teri.
I'm still never talking to you again, Marvin.
I understand, but I still want you to have these.
Katy Perry tickets? How did you get these? Well, Marvin Oh, sorry.
I used the money I made at burger on a bun.
What about your bike? You're way more important to me than some bike, even a big boy four-wheeler.
Can you forgive me? I'll forgive you for firing me as long as you never impersonate me again.
Oh.
Wait.
You got fired.
Why do you still smell like pickles and onions? You can take the boy out of burger on a bun, but you can not take the boy out of the burger on a bun uniform! Marvin, I mean this in the sweetest way possible.
You are a weirdo.
Oh, yeah.
Hey.
Going for a jog.
Burger on a bun? Taco in a shell.
Who am I kidding? I'm taking the bus.
Hey, you want to come? I would, but I'm almost finished with the employee handbook.
I can't wait to see how it ends.
Okay, gotcha.
"Once you've punched out, set the alarm.
"You'll have 20 seconds to get out of the building.
"And remember, "in the words of Phineas T.
Bunsworth, "'a burger on a bun is only as good as the employee who makes it.
'" what an ending.
He did wash his hands.
He did wash his hands!