M*A*S*H (MASH) s01e05 Episode Script

Oh! Look.
It's daylight again.
Fourteen hours.
Rough session.
Very rough.
Somebody is using the U.
S.
Army for target practice.
[ Yawns .]
Let's get some breakfast and hit the sack.
I'm with you, big fella.
And this morning it's two olives in my breakfast.
Would you tell me where I might find Colonel Blake's office? Yes, Sergeant.
You go straight down there, turn left and you look for a broken-down, dirty, old man and follow him.
- Yes, sir.
He'll take me to Colonel Blake? - That is Colonel Blake.
- Thank you, sir.
Young Hi.
- Roger wilco, Sergeant Baker-san.
Find the noncom tent, organize a shower, unpack my clean fatigues and shine my other boots.
Draw rations from the mess tent and unpack the other gear.
And be sure and keep them cigarettes under lock and key.
Understood? Roger wilco, Sergeant Baker-san.
- What's she going to do with the rest of the day? - Practice her shorthand.
- The gooks, they don't mind working.
- Uh, Sergeant I don't care for that word.
- "Gooks"? - Yeah.
- Nothing personal, sir.
- Then knock it off!.
Yes, sir.
Thank you, sir.
Okay, Young Hi, let's move.
What do you mean, "his moose"? That's just the name for it, Hawkeye- "moose.
" It's from "musume, " Japanese for "girl.
" Yeah? What's Japanese for "living together"? That might not be the case here.
She could be just his servant.
Yeah? With or without fringe benefits? I talked to her.
The sergeant bought her from her family for $500.
" Bought her"? Is that what you said, or do we have a bad connection? Some of the locals sell their kids for the money.
They have no other means.
- That's right.
- Do you believe that? - That slob bought a human being.
- Why doesn't the Army do something? They will bust a guy if they find out, but they don't go looking for it.
The dislike I felt for that sergeant has blossomed into instant hatred.
I read someplace the U.
N.
was here to liberate these people.
Must've been a misprint.
-I'm going to do something about this.
I'm talking to Henry.
-Henry? - Yeah.
- Our Henry? I thought you said you were going to do something about it.
Of course it's illegal and immoral! I can order Baker to release her, and he can pick her up five minutes after he leaves.
Then get in touch with his own colonel.
Ask him to order her release.
-Just one little thing wrong with that.
- What? Baker's colonel has a moose of his own.
- That's rotten.
It stinks.
- Okay, okay.
Excuse me.
[ Chirps .]
Things dry quicker in my tent.
-I never thought you'd chicken out like this.
- Come on! If you don't have any more guts than that, then I'll quit this outfit.
I'll quit the war.
Really? Well, who's gonna break the news to Truman and MacArthur? Hey, Young Hi, can we talk to you for a minute? - You got washing? - No, no, no, no.
Uh, y-you understand that it's wrong for human beings to own each other? Roger wilco, Captain-san.
Yeah, but do you really understand? Yes.
I make English perfect.
Speak very goodly.
Hello,Joe.
What you know? You got candy bar for Mother? She sick.
That's goodly enough for me.
Why do you stay with this Baker? - Are you in love with that slob? - What mean "slob"? - Well, it's a way of referring to another person.
- Roger wilco.
Don't love Baker slob-san.
Don't make monkey business with him.
We can help you get away from Baker.
You can go back to Seoul or anywhere you want.
To run away, I dishonor my family.
Sergeant pay money for me.
I can leave only when he say.
Is it possible this kid likes her work? No, she just doesn't understand.
She's too young.
I must work now.
Must wash more socks, press shirts and shine boots.
Where were you when I wanted to get married? Go ahead, but tell Baker slob-san that Captain Pierce wants to see him on the double.
- You get it? - I get it, Captain-san.
Roger wilco.
Sergeant, we've never had anybody in this outfit who owned a moose.
We don't believe in it.
It's very un-American.
It's un-Korean.
It's un-everybody.
Therefore, I order you to release this person you've bought.
- Sir, all I did- - That is a direct order.
- You heard the captain.
- I want her off this post and on the way back to her family by tomorrow morning- dismissed.
- Dismissed.
- What are you guys doin'- buckin' to be chaplains? - Stand at attention, soldier.
- I've been in the army a long time, and no meat cutter with a temporary commission is gonna work me over.
So save that G.
I.
crapola for the folks back home.
"Crapola"? Will you- Make a note of that for his court-martial.
Uh, you got a pencil? I'm a transient.
Your authority over me is limited and you know it.
So you can just stop trying to push me around.
Now, is there anything else, sir? You know, you're a pretty decent guy at that, Baker, right? - Uh, right.
- And smart too.
Here, sit down.
Baker, would you be interested in selling Young Hi? Uh, yeah.
We've always wanted a moose of our own.
- Yeah, a good transportation moose.
- A one-owner-type moose.
You just got finished giving me a lecture on how it's wrong to- I know, but you got to swing with the times.
You paid 500 for her, right? - Right.
- We'll give you six.
- For Young Hi? You're out of your mind.
- Here, have a martini.
Aw, thanks.
I taught that kid laundry, cooking, sewing.
Well, I realize she's not just another pretty face.
I can get double that for her in Seoul, but I ain't interested.
- Time's a-wastin'.
- Stick around.
We'll buy you another couple of drinks.
Naw.
I'll take a rain check.
See ya, gentlemen.
Can you believe that creep? Aw, he's your basic moose owner.
Think it would look too suspicious if he got run over by a jeep in the shower? I could always say I took a wrong turn.
-I don't believe we can beat this joker.
-Then what the hell are we doing here? Why do we spend 18 hours a day in that lousy operating room putting people back together? Doesn't that have any meaning? What's the purpose of that- practice? We gotta get that kid away from him.
How? What do we do best? Think.
How do we get her by drinking gin? I mean, our real, if only, talent.
Operate on him.
Right.
Ten bucks.
Ah, too rich for me.
Your ten- I bump 50.
- That puts me away.
- Yeah, me too.
What do ya say, Doc? Just a minute, handsome stranger.
He's got a pair of kings an ace and garbage.
You got that? Anytime, Doc.
Uh, your 50, and 50 more.
I call to raise.
[ Bills Rustling .]
I'll take two.
Two good ones off the top.
He kept the kings and the ace kicker.
He bought a deuce and another ace.
He's got aces and kings.
I bet a hundred.
[ Imitating Humphrey Bogart .]
And another hundred, sweetheart.
You're bluffin'.
[ Bills Rustling .]
I call.
Aces up.
No good.
Three deuces.
You bet 150 bucks on three lousy deuces? I'm putting my sister through barber college.
Any questions? He's working on an open-end straight flush.
All diamonds.
He's got the two, three, four and five and a jack of spades.
I need a top card.
Dealer takes one.
Shuffling.
Shuffling.
The card he bought is- Wait a minute.
Something's blocking me.
What do you say, Doc? What's your bet? What's your rush? You got another war to go to? I'm still blocked.
Oh, boy, am I blocked.
- Bet or check, Doc? - I'm thinking.
Okay, trouble's in the shower- I mean, trouble's fixed.
I'm- I'm unblocked.
The card he bought is a six of clubs.
No flush, but a baby straight.
Okay, uh, pardner, how much money you got there in front of you? About 750 bucks.
Then that's the bet.
- If I call, it cleans me.
- It's only money.
Baby straight.
Nope.
A teensy-weensy flush.
You got over a thousand bucks of my dough.
And let's not forget this little old I.
O.
U.
for 1,200.
I'm good for it.
I'll pay it.
- The understanding before we started was a cash game.
- You took my I.
O.
U.
Only because you're a fine human being.
Now pay up, fine human being.
I ain't got the money right now.
You wanna get even, Baker? Get your I.
O.
U.
back and a thousand of the money you lost? Who do I have to kill? Take that and put down your pink slip on Young Hi.
- She's all yours, Doc.
I explained the whole deal.
- You understand, Young Hi? Roger wilco, Hawkeye slob-san.
- Boy, once she learns something- - Well, this is it, Young Hi.
- You're a good kid, and if you ever need a reference, I'll- - Okay.
Fine, Baker.
- Yeah.
Well, you take it easy, kid.
- Shove off.
Yes, sir.
Good-bye, kid.
Now, listen.
You understand? You don't belong to Baker anymore.
Roger wilco.
I belong to you.
No, no, no.
Now you can go back to your family.
I paid the money.
There's no dishonor.
Go? I be good moose for Hawkeye slob-san.
Make shave for you, shine shoes, laundry, cooking on stove.
- You see.
You be very satisfied.
- No, wait a minute- I get my gear, start work.
You see.
Everything be okay.
You be happy like hell.
- Young- Young Hi! - I come back.
Don't worry, Hawkeye-san.
I never leave you.
" Dear Dad- We had a little poker game today.
It seems I won a person.
" " Dear Dad- I know you always wished I had a sister.
" " Dear Dad-" Hey, there's Captain Pierce well-known surgeon and moose owner.
Really? He's the man who coined the phrase, " No moose is good moose.
" Drop dead, singly and/or collectively.
Told you he's one of the great phrasemakers.
Holy cow! We must be in the wrong tent.
Hawkeye, come in here! Yeah, get your butt in here.
- Yes? - Somebody sneaked in here and committed a neatness.
- Young Hi.
- Can you believe it? The clothes are hung up.
- The garbage is off the floor.
The place is clean! - It's sickening.
All right.
Calm down.
I'm as offended as you are by this repulsive tidiness.
It's all arranged.
There's a truck leaving this afternoon for Seoul, and I guarantee she'll be on it.
- Now are you satisfied? - Okay.
But as soon as she's gone, we dirty up the joint and get back to normal.
They don't call you "The Aristocrat of the A.
M.
A.
" for nothing.
Please, no stay here with you? I told you, you got a right to a life of your own.
You're gonna have it.
- But I make you happy.
- No.
So long, Young Hi.
- Okay, driver, take off.
- Please, I stay! I be good worker! - Young Hi, wait a- Wait a second.
- Please, I want to stay! - Good luck.
- No, I don't want to go! [ Woman Giggling, Sighing .]
Oh, Hawkeye.
Oh.
Oh, your kisses are driving me crazy.
And I'm only using one lip.
[ Gasps .]
Oh! - One question.
- What? Why are we sitting in the middle of a mine field? It was the only reservation I could get.
Every jeep in town was sold out.
[ Giggling .]
- [ Growls .]
- Oh! Oh! You're biting my throat.
Sorry.
I got carried away and started a tracheotomy.
- [ Groans .]
Ow.
- Oh, what is it? - I bit your dog tag.
- [ Laughing .]
Oh, Hawkeye, why do I go out with you? 'Cause I got class.
I'm a high roller.
Someday, baby, all this will be yours- the mine field, the cesspool, all of it.
Shut up.
Hey, Hawk! - Who is it? - Trapper, our friendly neighborhood Peeping Tom.
- Turn off those lights.
- We got trouble.
What, wounded? I didn't hear any choppers.
What is it? The moose is back in town.
[ Trapper.]
Ho-Jon says she left the truck when they stopped for gas.
- She hitched a ride back here.
- Swell.
[ Sighs .]
What's the idea? -I your moose, Hawkeye-san.
I come back.
-But you're free.
Uh, Hawk, listen.
We're sympathetic, you know, but this kid is part moose, part yo-yo.
Hold it.
Excuse us a second.
Just stand there.
Don't clean anything.
Now, listen.
Tomorrow, we send Ho-Jon into Seoul.
We tell him to find her family.
Brings one of them back here, and then they take her away.
That could take a while.
What do we do until they get here? Teach her to be something besides a moose.
- Give her person lessons.
- Bingo.
We can start demoosifying her right now.
Is she gonna stay here? Saint Frank is in Tokyo.
Hawkeye-san make sleep in bed.
I make sleep so- No, no, no.
- You take that bunk there.
- You can't make sleep like that.
I'd like to make a little sleep over here.
Sleep tight.
Don't let the bedbugs bite.
I'll take the 4:00 feeding.
Okay, once more now.
- Now, we've never met before, right? - Right.
- Hello.
I'm Dr.
Pierce.
- How do you do? I am Young Hi.
- Very good.
- Morning, Young Hi.
- Hello,Joe.
What you know? - No.
Forget that.
Will you get lost! Gee, a person says "good morning" and gets his ear bit off.
Hello there.
I'm Dr.
Pierce.
- How do you do? I am Young Hi.
- Good.
Keep going.
- I am very pleased to meet you.
- Great! - I am good? - You are beautiful.
- Yes, I am.
- That you understand, huh? -Pass the sugar, Trapper? -You can have the sugar from me anytime.
You sit right over there, Young Hi.
- LieutenantJones, Lieutenant Scorch.
- Hi.
How do you do? I am pleased to meet you.
My name is Young Hi.
- [ All Cheering .]
- Very good! I am also beautiful.
Yes.
Yes, you are.
And when you meet people, don't look down.
Look them in the eye, and don't back off.
We're all the same.
You get it? Excuse it.
Not same.
- How do you figure? - You need shave.
- Hey, Hawkeye.
- Yeah.
Just got word.
Ho-Jon's back.
He brought the head of her family.
That's the man we want to see.
Hey, Ho-Jon.
- That's the head of the family? - He's Young Hi's brother.
His name is Benny.
Hiya, guys.
How's the action? An Eagle Scout, he ain't.
- Go get Young Hi, okay? - Okay.
Did, uh- did Ho-Jon explain to you why we sent for you? You bought Young Hi from Baker.
Now you want to dump her.
- What's the beef? She goofing off? - "The Dead-End Kids" in Korea.
I'll give you this back when you're 50.
- You're here to take your sister home.
- We don't want a moose.
No refund, guys.
You understand that? - We don't want any money.
She's free to go.
-Just like that? - You guys are nuts.
- [ Door Opens .]
- Hi, Benny! - Hey, Young Hi! How are you, baby? How do you do? I am pleased to see you.
How is Mother and Father? Pop's okay.
Mom's still delivering for the black market.
"One Man's Family.
" They must be treating you okay.
You look real big-time.
Learn many things here.
My English is much more goodly.
- I work in hospital.
- Hey, that's terrifiic.
But you've come to take me? You come back to Seoul, and we'll get Hold it.
You can't let yourself be sold again.
You guys are brushing her off.
What do you care? I may get on my knees and punch this kid in the nose.
- You got a chance for a life of your own now.
- No more slobs like Baker.
- What's all this jive? You know the score.
- I have duty to my family.
- What about your duty to yourself? - That is not how I was raised.
You tell 'em, baby.
Let's get your gear.
- Young Hi.
- Will you guys lay off? I remember everything you taught me- everything- and I am grateful.
[ Sighs .]
- We got an " E" for effort.
- That's the way the moose bounces.
- We came close, you know? - Yeah, for a minute there- Oh, I could use a drink.
A triple, I think.
- I know how to make martini drink.
- Young Hi.
- Are you staying? - Not only staying, also not going.
I tell Benny most important thing I learn from you: who to tell "shove off!.
" - Hey! Terrific! - Attagirl! LieutenantJones teach me to make martini drink.
She has much knowledge.
- So have you.
- But Young Hi has something else.
I am also beautiful.
- Hey, we got a letter from Young Hi.
- Yeah? "I am fine.
I wish you are the same.
I learn much knowledge here in convent school in Seoul.
The sisters say one day maybe I can work as helper to nurse.
I thank once more your efforts and ask God to bless you.
I write that to please the sisters.
I am Buddhist person.
With all love and respect, your friend, Young Hi.
Roger wilco.
" - Roger wilco.
- She's a good kid.
Yeah.
You know something? I really miss her.
- I wish she was here right now.
- Me too.
Yeah, I could use a shave.
And look at these boots.
[ All Arguing .]