Me, MYSELF & I (2017) s01e05 Episode Script
Family Tree
1 Family.
It's a simple word, but it means a ton of different things.
To me, it's about the connections that we pass down from generation to generation.
[bright music.]
- Do you like my family tree? - I love it.
Though, maybe swap out the picture of me eating fries.
I have a waffle one, but you have syrup all over your chin.
Fries it is.
Okay, so, uh, what other information - do you need? - My teacher gave us a bunch of questions.
Question one: Describe the very first time you saw me.
She's crowning.
I can see the head.
[groans.]
It was the single greatest moment of my entire life.
To me, family are the people you share everything with.
Hey, sorry I'm late, Dad.
My meeting ran long.
Really? A little early for a meeting, - isn't it? - I meant traffic was long and bad.
It's bad and long.
Where's Eleanor? You do know you've never been very good at lying to me? Your neck scratching gives you away.
Your hair's pulled back.
You look tired.
[gasps.]
You were with a guy last night.
This is not a breakfast with your father.
It's a breakfast of shame.
[laughs.]
It wasn't just some guy.
His name is Duane, and we've been seeing each other for two months.
You've been seeing someone for two months and didn't tell me? I didn't tell you because you hate everyone I date.
Oh, please.
That is not true.
What kind of name is Duane, anyway? To me, family is Well, I guess I'm still figuring that one out.
Mmm, Mom.
This chicken is, without a doubt, the best of your career.
Thank you, sweetheart.
I thought this was meatloaf.
Oh, and I have to say your hair has been looking especially bouncy.
Okay, what do you want? Darryl invited me to go to Joshua Tree to check out a meteor shower with his family.
- Darryl? - He means One-Nut.
- Oh.
- What would his parents say if they knew people called him that? Oh, they call him that, too.
So, can I go? It's next Saturday.
Sorry, buddy.
No can do.
We are hosting our family reunion that night.
What? Mom I'm sorry, sweetie, but you need to be here.
It's a big deal.
We finally get to meet the rest of our new family.
New cousins, aunts, uncles, all with very specific soft drink preferences.
We are an R.
C.
Cola family through and through.
But I've really been looking forward to this meteor shower.
So you lose one day nerding out on all the stars.
You still have 364 others.
Actually, this is a leap year.
Well, how do you like that? You get your day back.
[MC Hammer's "U Can't Touch This" plays.]
I know you probably think I'm being ironic, but these are my new MC Hammer pants.
And you cannot touch them.
You know what else I can't touch? Darryl's awesome new telescope that'll be aimed - at the meteor shower.
- Wow.
You are really working that into some conversations today.
Well, it used to be when I wanted to do something, I just had to check with my mom.
Then it was you and Ron, and now there's aunts and uncles I have to worry about? I'm sorry, little bro.
But these family reunions are actually pretty fun.
Hanging around with a bunch of strangers all day does not sound like fun.
Just follow these simple rules, and I promise it will be.
Rule number one: don't stand too close to Uncle Ned.
His breath smells like an onion and a cigarette had a baby.
Rule number two: make sure you don't get caught talking horse racing - with Cousin Mark.
- I don't know anything - about horse racing.
- No one does, but that won't stop him.
And finally, watch out for Aunt Renee.
How will I know who she is? She'll be the lady with a moustache who kisses you - on the lips.
- Great.
- So you're gonna be the - Stop.
Hammer time.
Go with the flow Describe the very first time you saw me.
It was at the hospital.
The day you were born.
I was holding you, while a nurse wrapped Daddy's sprained wrist.
You were a very cute baby.
Once they got all the goop off.
You had a full head of hair, like the world's cutest dust mop.
Really? Did Daddy have a full head of hair when he was born? Don't know, didn't meet him until he was 14.
You didn't meet Daddy till he was 14? There's my special guy.
Stopped on the way and got you a milkshake.
Thank you.
[laughs.]
Your hair looks great.
Are you using a new product? Oh, what did you do, Mom? While we were watching Abby, it may have come out that Ron is actually your stepdad.
- [sighs.]
I see.
- I thought she already knew.
- I'm sorry.
- No, Mom, it's fine.
It's not like I was keeping it from her.
I just didn't tell her yet.
Kind of the way I'm dealing with the whole "where do babies come from" thing.
Mm.
What are you going with so far? - Baby store? - [both laughing.]
Look, I get why you never told Abby about your biological father.
It's not like he was ever a part of your life.
Exactly.
I mean, the guy left before my first birthday.
Honestly, I never even think about him anymore.
It's why I never brought it up to Abby.
Yeah.
He was the worst.
And the only good thing to come out of that relationship was you.
Thanks, Mom.
I also kept his fondue set.
Remember, it was the '70s.
So, he felt that pain.
[both chuckle.]
Abby, you're being ridiculous.
I have not hated all your boyfriends.
Well, you certainly haven't liked them.
Really? Name one boyfriend I haven't liked.
Pinky ring.
[tense music.]
Side of cauliflower.
This is Henry.
He's from Florida.
Nope.
That was the past.
Post-heart attack Dad, very chill.
Let me prove it to you by fixing you both dinner.
I would, but he just left town for at least the next - Scratching your neck.
- Damn it, Dad.
Come on.
I'll be on my best behavior.
- You promise? - I promise.
He's not one of those guys who always brags about being able to solve a Rubik's Cube, now, is he? That was my fifth-grade boyfriend, and we dated for one week.
Trevor.
[party music plays.]
All right, Alex.
Just do a lap, make yourself seen, and then go hide in your room until it's over.
You're just adorable.
You must be fighting the girls off with a stick.
Thanks.
One word for you, young man.
Newspapers.
There'll always be a job in newspapers.
Huh? Oh, nice to meet you.
I'm Aunt Renee.
- Mustache.
- Oh! How great is this? Not as great as a meteor shower.
He can really work it in.
Sweetie, I know you're disappointed, but What is that smell? It's like an onion Had a baby with a cigarette? Oh, my God, yes.
Hi, Uncle Ned.
So, what are you two doing for the talent show? - What talent show? - We always make new members of the family perform a talent in front of everyone.
Our way of welcoming them into the fold.
- Oh, my God! - Oh, my God.
[laughs.]
I, uh, I didn't know this was happening.
Of course not.
Putting the newbies on the spot is all part of the fun.
[laughs.]
[gags.]
Mom, do we have to do this? Come on, it'll be fun.
Ooh, I know.
I'll do my Krav Maga.
Let me go get changed.
I'm telling you, he could be a dungaree model.
[laughs.]
Hey, great news.
I just heard from Frankel Industries.
They want us to come in and pitch.
Oh, that's too bad.
I also ran into Michael Jordan, who said that he's looking for a full-time inventor to hang out with.
Well, I'm sure you can handle that.
Okay, what's wrong with you, man? What? You've been out of it all day.
I'm sorry.
[sighs.]
I'm having a hard time focusing.
Abby found out that Ron's not my biological dad.
And she has a tendency to get fixated on things.
I want to meet New Grandpa.
I want to meet New Grandpa.
[snoring.]
- Dad, you're snoring.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I want to meet New Grandpa.
- Man, that girl's relentless.
- Yeah, she won't let it go.
I mean, I finally gave in and looked him up on one of those family finder sites.
Wow.
So you found your dad? Yeah.
Yeah, and I also stumbled upon some tricky Civil War heritage I am so, so sorry about.
Anyway, he lives in Barstow.
Uh, he emailed me this morning and he wants me and Abby to come visit him.
- Are you gonna go? - Hell no.
I'm not driving all the way to Barstow to see some guy just because we happen to share the same DNA.
You once drove four hours to taste the world's biggest corn dog.
- And I would do it again.
- [scoffs.]
Look, I'm just gonna get him to send me a picture - for Abby's project.
- And you think that'll be enough to get Abby off your back? She's eight years old, man.
She is not calling the shots - around here.
- Okay.
Hey, sweetheart.
How was school? - We learned about Ghandi.
- Oh, that's great, honey.
Yep.
I'm not gonna eat until I meet New Grandpa.
[playful music.]
It sounds like you're going to Barstow.
Yeah, I'm going to Barstow.
So, big trip.
You ready to meet your dad? Yep.
I got a big old Mountain Dew, and what can only be described as a buttload of turkey jerky.
[laughs.]
Half of road tripping - is snacking.
- Have you thought about what you're gonna say to the guy? I mean, what's to say? You know, I could ask him why he left, but what's the point? It's not like we're ever gonna hash everything out and the next thing you know, we'll be having a catch in a corn field or something.
This is real life, not "Field of Dreams.
" They got corn fields in Barstow? Look, I just wanted to have the option, okay? I knew part of you was looking forward to this.
Well, yeah.
I mean, I'm meeting my freaking dad.
Of course I'm looking forward to it, but I'm also terrified that I'm gonna like him.
You know? And that I missed out on all these years that I could have spent with that jerk face that left my mother.
You're very confused about this, aren't you? No, I'm not.
Well, maybe I am.
I don't know.
Am I? Dude, you'll be fine, all right? - Just make sure you don't - Don't get my hopes up.
I know.
My mother said the same thing.
Well, I was gonna say, "Make sure you don't forget to take a picture of him.
" Wendy and I have a bet on what you're gonna look like in the next 25 years, and I think you're gonna be bald.
She thinks you're gonna be a dapper silver fox with a velvety baritone.
[laughs.]
God, I hope she's right.
This is delicious, Dad.
Magnificent, Mr.
Riley.
Thank you, Duane.
So, you seem like you're in very good shape.
I'm training for an Iron Man.
- Have you done one? - No.
I've seen all 12 movies, though.
- [both laughing.]
- He also spent five years trying to build a real Iron Man suit.
Freaking Musk beat me to it.
More wine? Thank you.
It's magnificent.
[jazz music playing.]
So, Dad, Duane and I did some hiking yesterday.
Oh, Abby picked this beautiful spot.
The views were breathtaking.
Breathtakingly magnificent.
You really like that word, don't you? Mm.
I like a man who knows what he likes.
Duane just finished curating a very successful exhibit - at the Broad.
- Oh, my.
- You're an art curator.
- Well, technically, that is my job title, but I prefer to think of myself as a curator of life.
And my museum is the world.
Magnificent.
[singing Giacomo Puccini's "Un bel di vedremo".]
Tienti la tua paura Io con sicura fede L'aspetto - [applause.]
- I can't believe this.
I know.
If there's a more beautiful rendition of "Un bel di vedremo," I haven't heard it.
I thought you were supposed to be my big bro who looks out for me.
I mean, why didn't you tell me about the talent show? Because you had a geometry test this week, and I didn't want you to be stressed out.
If you ask me, that's a move straight out of the Big Bro Hall of Fame.
There is no Big Bro Hall of Fame.
But you know what there is? A meteor shower.
- And I'm not there.
- You weren't joking.
The kid works it in to every conversation.
Coming up next is by far the most beautiful woman I have ever known.
Sit down, Aunt Marge.
[all laughing.]
Ladies and gentlemen, my beautiful, lovely, incredible fiancée, Maggie.
[applause.]
Hi, everyone.
Tonight I will be giving a Krav Maga demonstration.
First I need a volunteer.
- What's Krav Maga? - Oh, looks like I found one.
[laughs.]
Come on up here, Cousin Gary, and I'll show you.
[laughs.]
Okay.
Ready to have some fun? Now I have to do a freaking talent show? I don't have any talents.
I can think of one thing you're especially good at.
Putting yourself down.
- This is a nightmare.
- Don't worry, little bro.
I already cued up MC Hammer on the boom box.
You know all the words, and you're super good - at rapping them.
- There's no way I'm getting up there to rap in front of a bunch of strangers.
They're not strangers.
They're family.
That was so much fun.
I'm gonna go keep an eye on Cousin Gary.
Probably shouldn't fall asleep for the next six to eight hours.
[playful music.]
- You want some jerky? - Sure.
Half of road tripping is snacking.
I've literally never been prouder.
I'm really excited to meet New Grandpa.
- Aren't you? - Oh, my God, yeah.
I'm so excited.
Yeah.
Hey, what do you say we stop off at the world's biggest thermometer? It's only, like, an hour out of our way.
- What about New Grandpa? - Eh, it's been 39 years.
What's another hour, huh? [laughs.]
Anyway, how many times in your life do you get to see the world's biggest thermometer? - Four? - Yeah, no, that's probably accurate.
Next, I wanna bring up a fine young man.
Sit down, Grandpa Lou.
[all laughing.]
Just kidding.
Grandpa Lou's asleep.
I hope.
All right.
Um, I couldn't be happier to bring up my soon-to-be stepson.
How about a big family welcome for Mr.
Alex Riley? [cheers and applause.]
I'm not doing this stupid thing.
I don't even want to be here.
Goodnight, Duane.
And thank you for the complete play-by-play of your recent - hot air balloon ride.
- Oh, the views were, - in a word - Please don't.
- Magnificent.
- And he said it again.
I will see you tomorrow night.
We're going to a new exhibit at LACMA.
An artist has tied together 5,000 pairs of shoe laces into this enormous ball and has three men dressed as cats - playing with it.
- Yeah.
I don't think I'm gonna be going to that.
You don't wanna see it? I don't think I wanna see you.
I'm sorry, Duane.
This is just not working out.
- You're kidding, right? - I don't think she's kidding.
- [whimsical music.]
- Can I practice the questions I'm gonna ask New Grandpa - for my project? - Sure, sweetheart.
Describe the very first time you saw me.
Well, that'll probably be when he opens the door, - won't it? - Oh, yeah.
What's your favorite thing to do with me? Probably whatever we do when we get there.
Maybe he'll apologize for abandoning you as a kid and leaving you to wonder if part of it - was actually your fault.
- What? Or maybe we'll color.
I don't know.
[laughs.]
We'll see.
Don't read that too much.
You'll get car sick.
I think an apology is in order.
I know I ruined the party, and I'm sorry.
You're not the one that needs to apologize.
I am.
I've been so anxious about making a good impression on Ron's family that I forgot to consider how all this is affecting you.
And that's just not okay.
I'm sorry.
You didn't seem too worried about anything when you were body slamming Cousin Gary.
That was two weeks of pure anxiety being released on his clavicle.
I'm sure Ron's pretty upset with me.
Probably wishes he'd had a different stepson.
Are you kidding me? He spent the entire night showing everyone your inventions.
Honey, he thinks you're amazing.
He's got a funny way of showing it.
- What do you mean? - I mean the guy doesn't care about anything that I care about.
When I told him about the meteor shower, - he completely ignored me.
- But then after he realized how important it was to you, he felt awful that you were missing your trip with One-Nut.
You know, I think I feel more comfortable calling him Darryl.
I get that.
So he got you this.
Whoa.
He was hoping we could all watch the meteor shower together after everyone left.
He's really excited to give it to you, - so act surprised.
- This is so awesome.
Yeah.
Hey, can I hide out in here for a while? Jenna's new husband brought a ventriloquist dummy.
He knew about the surprise talent show? I don't think so.
What did I possibly see in that guy? He was a very attractive man, until he opened his mouth.
Well, you should have seen his abs.
He made me feel them when you went to the bathroom.
Did he show you how he can flex each ab individually? Now, that would have been a perfect act for the family talent show.
[both chuckle.]
I think, because I forced you to be nice to Duane, I ended up being the critical one.
And you know what I realized? I have terrible taste in guys.
Sweetheart, just because I don't like the guys you bring over doesn't mean you have terrible taste.
- Even though I do.
- Oh, you definitely do.
[laughs.]
And if I've learned anything over the years, it's how important family is.
And if I'm a little rough on the guys you date, it's only because I think there should be a very high bar set to join ours.
You think I'll ever find the right guy? It's not gonna be easy.
I mean, growing up with me as your role model, how could anyone possibly compare? - That is very true.
- You're scratching.
Sometimes I just have an itch.
- Not this time.
- No, not this time.
[laughs.]
[sighs.]
Well, here we are.
Life-changing moment about to happen.
Are you gonna call him Daddy? - I don't think so.
- Should I call him Grandpa? Sweetheart, that's up to you.
Okay? You call him whatever you'd like.
Whatever feels right.
- You still excited to see him? - Yeah.
[knocking.]
Grandpa! Oh, there's my sweet girl.
[laughs.]
So, how was Barstow? We got all the way out there, and then Abby and I realized that we didn't want to meet him.
You know, he couldn't answer any of the questions that Abby had to ask for her project anyway, so we just turned around and came straight here.
Well, after a quick stop at the world's tallest thermometer.
Naturally.
Are you sure you're okay with this? I am.
You know, my whole life, people thought I was weird because I didn't want to find my dad.
Even I thought I was weird sometimes.
But the truth is, I was never all that curious because ever since I was 14, I had an amazing dad.
One that welcomed me into his family with open arms.
Oh, and, uh, we stopped at the gift shop, and we got you this.
It's just a miniaturized version of what we saw.
- So a regular thermometer? - Huh, yeah.
No, I guess it is just a regular thermometer.
Cool.
Secretariat could run on the dirt, on the turf, in the slop, it didn't matter.
Yeah, he was definitely a horse.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Alex Riley.
And I want to thank you for letting me be a part of this family.
[MC Hammer's "U Can't Touch This" plays.]
My my my my music hits me so hard Makes me say oh my Lord Thank you for blessing me With a mind to rhyme and two hype feet It feels good when you know you're down With a super dope homeboy from the Oaktown And I'm known as such And this is a beat you can't touch [cheers and applause.]
Break it down Stop Hammer time There's nothing more important than family.
I can't believe you saved this thing.
I save all you projects.
Except that skeleton you made with macaroni.
That thing looked like a crime scene.
[whimsical music.]
You may not be able to choose your family - Grandpa goes right there.
- Yeah.
- And that's our family.
- Yep.
[both laughing.]
But sometimes not choosing your family works out just fine.
I think I see it.
Wow, it is really bright.
I think that's the porch light.
[laughing.]
Yeah, that's good.
Oh, yeah.
That's cool, too.
[laughs.]
It's a simple word, but it means a ton of different things.
To me, it's about the connections that we pass down from generation to generation.
[bright music.]
- Do you like my family tree? - I love it.
Though, maybe swap out the picture of me eating fries.
I have a waffle one, but you have syrup all over your chin.
Fries it is.
Okay, so, uh, what other information - do you need? - My teacher gave us a bunch of questions.
Question one: Describe the very first time you saw me.
She's crowning.
I can see the head.
[groans.]
It was the single greatest moment of my entire life.
To me, family are the people you share everything with.
Hey, sorry I'm late, Dad.
My meeting ran long.
Really? A little early for a meeting, - isn't it? - I meant traffic was long and bad.
It's bad and long.
Where's Eleanor? You do know you've never been very good at lying to me? Your neck scratching gives you away.
Your hair's pulled back.
You look tired.
[gasps.]
You were with a guy last night.
This is not a breakfast with your father.
It's a breakfast of shame.
[laughs.]
It wasn't just some guy.
His name is Duane, and we've been seeing each other for two months.
You've been seeing someone for two months and didn't tell me? I didn't tell you because you hate everyone I date.
Oh, please.
That is not true.
What kind of name is Duane, anyway? To me, family is Well, I guess I'm still figuring that one out.
Mmm, Mom.
This chicken is, without a doubt, the best of your career.
Thank you, sweetheart.
I thought this was meatloaf.
Oh, and I have to say your hair has been looking especially bouncy.
Okay, what do you want? Darryl invited me to go to Joshua Tree to check out a meteor shower with his family.
- Darryl? - He means One-Nut.
- Oh.
- What would his parents say if they knew people called him that? Oh, they call him that, too.
So, can I go? It's next Saturday.
Sorry, buddy.
No can do.
We are hosting our family reunion that night.
What? Mom I'm sorry, sweetie, but you need to be here.
It's a big deal.
We finally get to meet the rest of our new family.
New cousins, aunts, uncles, all with very specific soft drink preferences.
We are an R.
C.
Cola family through and through.
But I've really been looking forward to this meteor shower.
So you lose one day nerding out on all the stars.
You still have 364 others.
Actually, this is a leap year.
Well, how do you like that? You get your day back.
[MC Hammer's "U Can't Touch This" plays.]
I know you probably think I'm being ironic, but these are my new MC Hammer pants.
And you cannot touch them.
You know what else I can't touch? Darryl's awesome new telescope that'll be aimed - at the meteor shower.
- Wow.
You are really working that into some conversations today.
Well, it used to be when I wanted to do something, I just had to check with my mom.
Then it was you and Ron, and now there's aunts and uncles I have to worry about? I'm sorry, little bro.
But these family reunions are actually pretty fun.
Hanging around with a bunch of strangers all day does not sound like fun.
Just follow these simple rules, and I promise it will be.
Rule number one: don't stand too close to Uncle Ned.
His breath smells like an onion and a cigarette had a baby.
Rule number two: make sure you don't get caught talking horse racing - with Cousin Mark.
- I don't know anything - about horse racing.
- No one does, but that won't stop him.
And finally, watch out for Aunt Renee.
How will I know who she is? She'll be the lady with a moustache who kisses you - on the lips.
- Great.
- So you're gonna be the - Stop.
Hammer time.
Go with the flow Describe the very first time you saw me.
It was at the hospital.
The day you were born.
I was holding you, while a nurse wrapped Daddy's sprained wrist.
You were a very cute baby.
Once they got all the goop off.
You had a full head of hair, like the world's cutest dust mop.
Really? Did Daddy have a full head of hair when he was born? Don't know, didn't meet him until he was 14.
You didn't meet Daddy till he was 14? There's my special guy.
Stopped on the way and got you a milkshake.
Thank you.
[laughs.]
Your hair looks great.
Are you using a new product? Oh, what did you do, Mom? While we were watching Abby, it may have come out that Ron is actually your stepdad.
- [sighs.]
I see.
- I thought she already knew.
- I'm sorry.
- No, Mom, it's fine.
It's not like I was keeping it from her.
I just didn't tell her yet.
Kind of the way I'm dealing with the whole "where do babies come from" thing.
Mm.
What are you going with so far? - Baby store? - [both laughing.]
Look, I get why you never told Abby about your biological father.
It's not like he was ever a part of your life.
Exactly.
I mean, the guy left before my first birthday.
Honestly, I never even think about him anymore.
It's why I never brought it up to Abby.
Yeah.
He was the worst.
And the only good thing to come out of that relationship was you.
Thanks, Mom.
I also kept his fondue set.
Remember, it was the '70s.
So, he felt that pain.
[both chuckle.]
Abby, you're being ridiculous.
I have not hated all your boyfriends.
Well, you certainly haven't liked them.
Really? Name one boyfriend I haven't liked.
Pinky ring.
[tense music.]
Side of cauliflower.
This is Henry.
He's from Florida.
Nope.
That was the past.
Post-heart attack Dad, very chill.
Let me prove it to you by fixing you both dinner.
I would, but he just left town for at least the next - Scratching your neck.
- Damn it, Dad.
Come on.
I'll be on my best behavior.
- You promise? - I promise.
He's not one of those guys who always brags about being able to solve a Rubik's Cube, now, is he? That was my fifth-grade boyfriend, and we dated for one week.
Trevor.
[party music plays.]
All right, Alex.
Just do a lap, make yourself seen, and then go hide in your room until it's over.
You're just adorable.
You must be fighting the girls off with a stick.
Thanks.
One word for you, young man.
Newspapers.
There'll always be a job in newspapers.
Huh? Oh, nice to meet you.
I'm Aunt Renee.
- Mustache.
- Oh! How great is this? Not as great as a meteor shower.
He can really work it in.
Sweetie, I know you're disappointed, but What is that smell? It's like an onion Had a baby with a cigarette? Oh, my God, yes.
Hi, Uncle Ned.
So, what are you two doing for the talent show? - What talent show? - We always make new members of the family perform a talent in front of everyone.
Our way of welcoming them into the fold.
- Oh, my God! - Oh, my God.
[laughs.]
I, uh, I didn't know this was happening.
Of course not.
Putting the newbies on the spot is all part of the fun.
[laughs.]
[gags.]
Mom, do we have to do this? Come on, it'll be fun.
Ooh, I know.
I'll do my Krav Maga.
Let me go get changed.
I'm telling you, he could be a dungaree model.
[laughs.]
Hey, great news.
I just heard from Frankel Industries.
They want us to come in and pitch.
Oh, that's too bad.
I also ran into Michael Jordan, who said that he's looking for a full-time inventor to hang out with.
Well, I'm sure you can handle that.
Okay, what's wrong with you, man? What? You've been out of it all day.
I'm sorry.
[sighs.]
I'm having a hard time focusing.
Abby found out that Ron's not my biological dad.
And she has a tendency to get fixated on things.
I want to meet New Grandpa.
I want to meet New Grandpa.
[snoring.]
- Dad, you're snoring.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I want to meet New Grandpa.
- Man, that girl's relentless.
- Yeah, she won't let it go.
I mean, I finally gave in and looked him up on one of those family finder sites.
Wow.
So you found your dad? Yeah.
Yeah, and I also stumbled upon some tricky Civil War heritage I am so, so sorry about.
Anyway, he lives in Barstow.
Uh, he emailed me this morning and he wants me and Abby to come visit him.
- Are you gonna go? - Hell no.
I'm not driving all the way to Barstow to see some guy just because we happen to share the same DNA.
You once drove four hours to taste the world's biggest corn dog.
- And I would do it again.
- [scoffs.]
Look, I'm just gonna get him to send me a picture - for Abby's project.
- And you think that'll be enough to get Abby off your back? She's eight years old, man.
She is not calling the shots - around here.
- Okay.
Hey, sweetheart.
How was school? - We learned about Ghandi.
- Oh, that's great, honey.
Yep.
I'm not gonna eat until I meet New Grandpa.
[playful music.]
It sounds like you're going to Barstow.
Yeah, I'm going to Barstow.
So, big trip.
You ready to meet your dad? Yep.
I got a big old Mountain Dew, and what can only be described as a buttload of turkey jerky.
[laughs.]
Half of road tripping - is snacking.
- Have you thought about what you're gonna say to the guy? I mean, what's to say? You know, I could ask him why he left, but what's the point? It's not like we're ever gonna hash everything out and the next thing you know, we'll be having a catch in a corn field or something.
This is real life, not "Field of Dreams.
" They got corn fields in Barstow? Look, I just wanted to have the option, okay? I knew part of you was looking forward to this.
Well, yeah.
I mean, I'm meeting my freaking dad.
Of course I'm looking forward to it, but I'm also terrified that I'm gonna like him.
You know? And that I missed out on all these years that I could have spent with that jerk face that left my mother.
You're very confused about this, aren't you? No, I'm not.
Well, maybe I am.
I don't know.
Am I? Dude, you'll be fine, all right? - Just make sure you don't - Don't get my hopes up.
I know.
My mother said the same thing.
Well, I was gonna say, "Make sure you don't forget to take a picture of him.
" Wendy and I have a bet on what you're gonna look like in the next 25 years, and I think you're gonna be bald.
She thinks you're gonna be a dapper silver fox with a velvety baritone.
[laughs.]
God, I hope she's right.
This is delicious, Dad.
Magnificent, Mr.
Riley.
Thank you, Duane.
So, you seem like you're in very good shape.
I'm training for an Iron Man.
- Have you done one? - No.
I've seen all 12 movies, though.
- [both laughing.]
- He also spent five years trying to build a real Iron Man suit.
Freaking Musk beat me to it.
More wine? Thank you.
It's magnificent.
[jazz music playing.]
So, Dad, Duane and I did some hiking yesterday.
Oh, Abby picked this beautiful spot.
The views were breathtaking.
Breathtakingly magnificent.
You really like that word, don't you? Mm.
I like a man who knows what he likes.
Duane just finished curating a very successful exhibit - at the Broad.
- Oh, my.
- You're an art curator.
- Well, technically, that is my job title, but I prefer to think of myself as a curator of life.
And my museum is the world.
Magnificent.
[singing Giacomo Puccini's "Un bel di vedremo".]
Tienti la tua paura Io con sicura fede L'aspetto - [applause.]
- I can't believe this.
I know.
If there's a more beautiful rendition of "Un bel di vedremo," I haven't heard it.
I thought you were supposed to be my big bro who looks out for me.
I mean, why didn't you tell me about the talent show? Because you had a geometry test this week, and I didn't want you to be stressed out.
If you ask me, that's a move straight out of the Big Bro Hall of Fame.
There is no Big Bro Hall of Fame.
But you know what there is? A meteor shower.
- And I'm not there.
- You weren't joking.
The kid works it in to every conversation.
Coming up next is by far the most beautiful woman I have ever known.
Sit down, Aunt Marge.
[all laughing.]
Ladies and gentlemen, my beautiful, lovely, incredible fiancée, Maggie.
[applause.]
Hi, everyone.
Tonight I will be giving a Krav Maga demonstration.
First I need a volunteer.
- What's Krav Maga? - Oh, looks like I found one.
[laughs.]
Come on up here, Cousin Gary, and I'll show you.
[laughs.]
Okay.
Ready to have some fun? Now I have to do a freaking talent show? I don't have any talents.
I can think of one thing you're especially good at.
Putting yourself down.
- This is a nightmare.
- Don't worry, little bro.
I already cued up MC Hammer on the boom box.
You know all the words, and you're super good - at rapping them.
- There's no way I'm getting up there to rap in front of a bunch of strangers.
They're not strangers.
They're family.
That was so much fun.
I'm gonna go keep an eye on Cousin Gary.
Probably shouldn't fall asleep for the next six to eight hours.
[playful music.]
- You want some jerky? - Sure.
Half of road tripping is snacking.
I've literally never been prouder.
I'm really excited to meet New Grandpa.
- Aren't you? - Oh, my God, yeah.
I'm so excited.
Yeah.
Hey, what do you say we stop off at the world's biggest thermometer? It's only, like, an hour out of our way.
- What about New Grandpa? - Eh, it's been 39 years.
What's another hour, huh? [laughs.]
Anyway, how many times in your life do you get to see the world's biggest thermometer? - Four? - Yeah, no, that's probably accurate.
Next, I wanna bring up a fine young man.
Sit down, Grandpa Lou.
[all laughing.]
Just kidding.
Grandpa Lou's asleep.
I hope.
All right.
Um, I couldn't be happier to bring up my soon-to-be stepson.
How about a big family welcome for Mr.
Alex Riley? [cheers and applause.]
I'm not doing this stupid thing.
I don't even want to be here.
Goodnight, Duane.
And thank you for the complete play-by-play of your recent - hot air balloon ride.
- Oh, the views were, - in a word - Please don't.
- Magnificent.
- And he said it again.
I will see you tomorrow night.
We're going to a new exhibit at LACMA.
An artist has tied together 5,000 pairs of shoe laces into this enormous ball and has three men dressed as cats - playing with it.
- Yeah.
I don't think I'm gonna be going to that.
You don't wanna see it? I don't think I wanna see you.
I'm sorry, Duane.
This is just not working out.
- You're kidding, right? - I don't think she's kidding.
- [whimsical music.]
- Can I practice the questions I'm gonna ask New Grandpa - for my project? - Sure, sweetheart.
Describe the very first time you saw me.
Well, that'll probably be when he opens the door, - won't it? - Oh, yeah.
What's your favorite thing to do with me? Probably whatever we do when we get there.
Maybe he'll apologize for abandoning you as a kid and leaving you to wonder if part of it - was actually your fault.
- What? Or maybe we'll color.
I don't know.
[laughs.]
We'll see.
Don't read that too much.
You'll get car sick.
I think an apology is in order.
I know I ruined the party, and I'm sorry.
You're not the one that needs to apologize.
I am.
I've been so anxious about making a good impression on Ron's family that I forgot to consider how all this is affecting you.
And that's just not okay.
I'm sorry.
You didn't seem too worried about anything when you were body slamming Cousin Gary.
That was two weeks of pure anxiety being released on his clavicle.
I'm sure Ron's pretty upset with me.
Probably wishes he'd had a different stepson.
Are you kidding me? He spent the entire night showing everyone your inventions.
Honey, he thinks you're amazing.
He's got a funny way of showing it.
- What do you mean? - I mean the guy doesn't care about anything that I care about.
When I told him about the meteor shower, - he completely ignored me.
- But then after he realized how important it was to you, he felt awful that you were missing your trip with One-Nut.
You know, I think I feel more comfortable calling him Darryl.
I get that.
So he got you this.
Whoa.
He was hoping we could all watch the meteor shower together after everyone left.
He's really excited to give it to you, - so act surprised.
- This is so awesome.
Yeah.
Hey, can I hide out in here for a while? Jenna's new husband brought a ventriloquist dummy.
He knew about the surprise talent show? I don't think so.
What did I possibly see in that guy? He was a very attractive man, until he opened his mouth.
Well, you should have seen his abs.
He made me feel them when you went to the bathroom.
Did he show you how he can flex each ab individually? Now, that would have been a perfect act for the family talent show.
[both chuckle.]
I think, because I forced you to be nice to Duane, I ended up being the critical one.
And you know what I realized? I have terrible taste in guys.
Sweetheart, just because I don't like the guys you bring over doesn't mean you have terrible taste.
- Even though I do.
- Oh, you definitely do.
[laughs.]
And if I've learned anything over the years, it's how important family is.
And if I'm a little rough on the guys you date, it's only because I think there should be a very high bar set to join ours.
You think I'll ever find the right guy? It's not gonna be easy.
I mean, growing up with me as your role model, how could anyone possibly compare? - That is very true.
- You're scratching.
Sometimes I just have an itch.
- Not this time.
- No, not this time.
[laughs.]
[sighs.]
Well, here we are.
Life-changing moment about to happen.
Are you gonna call him Daddy? - I don't think so.
- Should I call him Grandpa? Sweetheart, that's up to you.
Okay? You call him whatever you'd like.
Whatever feels right.
- You still excited to see him? - Yeah.
[knocking.]
Grandpa! Oh, there's my sweet girl.
[laughs.]
So, how was Barstow? We got all the way out there, and then Abby and I realized that we didn't want to meet him.
You know, he couldn't answer any of the questions that Abby had to ask for her project anyway, so we just turned around and came straight here.
Well, after a quick stop at the world's tallest thermometer.
Naturally.
Are you sure you're okay with this? I am.
You know, my whole life, people thought I was weird because I didn't want to find my dad.
Even I thought I was weird sometimes.
But the truth is, I was never all that curious because ever since I was 14, I had an amazing dad.
One that welcomed me into his family with open arms.
Oh, and, uh, we stopped at the gift shop, and we got you this.
It's just a miniaturized version of what we saw.
- So a regular thermometer? - Huh, yeah.
No, I guess it is just a regular thermometer.
Cool.
Secretariat could run on the dirt, on the turf, in the slop, it didn't matter.
Yeah, he was definitely a horse.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Alex Riley.
And I want to thank you for letting me be a part of this family.
[MC Hammer's "U Can't Touch This" plays.]
My my my my music hits me so hard Makes me say oh my Lord Thank you for blessing me With a mind to rhyme and two hype feet It feels good when you know you're down With a super dope homeboy from the Oaktown And I'm known as such And this is a beat you can't touch [cheers and applause.]
Break it down Stop Hammer time There's nothing more important than family.
I can't believe you saved this thing.
I save all you projects.
Except that skeleton you made with macaroni.
That thing looked like a crime scene.
[whimsical music.]
You may not be able to choose your family - Grandpa goes right there.
- Yeah.
- And that's our family.
- Yep.
[both laughing.]
But sometimes not choosing your family works out just fine.
I think I see it.
Wow, it is really bright.
I think that's the porch light.
[laughing.]
Yeah, that's good.
Oh, yeah.
That's cool, too.
[laughs.]