Melissa & Joey s01e05 Episode Script

Orded in front of a live studio audience.
Joe.
Joe.
Yeah, what's up? Nice outfit.
So do you do the "y," the "m," the "c" or the "a"? Laugh, burke.
Go ahead.
Go ahead.
But t ve spent t the l lt two o urdog inmeso very labor-intensive work.
I just built a custom, fully tricked-out, Four-tier spice rack for you.
Which I asked for when? All right, it was for me, But you just paid for it.
You're home early.
What did you do, Just vote "yes" on everything and call it a day? I texted lennox that I had a big surprise.
Remember that green day concert that sold out in six minutes? Well, guess who scored two tickets.
Floor seats? How did you swing that? What? I'm a city councilwoman, okay? I'm a very important person.
All right, I'm a semi-important person.
Fine, I won them on the radio.
All right, one of my interns won them on the radio And she gave them to me.
All right, I took them from her! Sorry I had to break you down like that.
Let me show you something in the kitchen.
Wow, nice rack.
Thank you.
I don't get all offended, see? But that's not what this is about.
Lennox just gave me this.
All right, I found it in the car.
All right, she shoved it in the ashtray.
Annoying that I didn't start with what really happened first, isn't it? It's from her chemistry teacher.
"unrealized potential; Needs parental guidance; danger of failing"? Wow, if this said "forgets to wear a bra," It would be like deja vu of me in high school.
She needs to get a "b" on her next exam And every exam after that just to pass.
So I have to help her study? Oh no.
What, you didn't retain a lot of your high school chemistry? No, I did-- never mix beer and vodka.
Okay, I know what I have to do: I have to come down hard on her Right after that concert on Monday night.
The Monday night before the Tuesday exam? Yeah, what's your point? Oh, that was your point.
Oh, come on, let me be fun aunt mel.
Everybody loves fun aunt mel.
Yeah, fun aunt mel.
Isn't she related to the drop-out pregnant niece? Aunt mel, I got your text.
What's the big surprise? Uh, it's-- well, See, some of the surprise is good And some of the surprise is not so good.
Less failing from you.
More parenting from you.
Surprise: You're both grounded.
Both: Aw man! Â I guess you're stuck with me.
 I know.
I know I should be hard on her, - But it's just so hard.
- It's not that hard.
It's not hard for you-- you're not likeable.
I'm completely lovable.
It's what I'm known for-- That and my legs.
Yes, they're lovely.
Would you like me to go and talk to lennox? No no no, I can handle this by myself.
I don't need your help.
Just tell me what to say.
All right, go in there and just lay down the law, okay? Right right.
Law-- layin' it down.
Yes, and no matter what she says, Remember you are tough aunt mel.
You're like steel.
Lovable steel? Yes, steel with a soft, squishy center.
Oh, I like that.
Get in there, will you? She will call you back when she wins the nobel prize.
All right, look, lennox, I have been too easy on you.
That's why I like you.
You're easy aunt mel.
No, I'm not easy.
I'm fun.
No, that's over, okay? I want you to study chapters eight and 10 And do this first practice test.
And then I can go to jillian's party.
( laughs ) no no.
No.
No fun, no phone calls and no entertainment.
How long do I have to sit here studying chemistry? Until you know everything, all right? Oxygen, hydrogen, valium-- all the chemicals.
Boy, that's a lot of homework.
- How's that going? - Good.
How's it going being a social zero? Fun.
I hang out with all the other zeroes on your tests.
Ryder, leave her alone, all right? Or you'll be stuck here studying chemistry too.
I don't take chemistry.
Keep talkin' back and you will, mister! ( doorbell rings ) Yeah.
If you're here to talk to me about jesus, I'm already a fan.
Man: I'm not a solicitor, Just a former u.
S.
Senator Wanting to see my lovely family And whoever you are.
Thanks, pete.
That'll do it.
Senator burke? It's a pleasure to meet you.
I have no doubt.
And you are? I'm joe longo.
I-I-I take care of the-- I'm the nanny.
Don't be ashamed.
It's a changing world, And I admire a man who takes on a woman's role.
Mrs.
Burke and I sometimes play golf With a male kindergarten teacher.
He's a homosexual.
I had to take this job Because I used to work for your son-in-law lewis.
Yeah, and that jerk took everything from me-- My house, my cars, my savings.
That's a very nice rolex.
I used to have a rolex.
Hey, daddy, what are you doing here? Hey, sugar.
Didn't you get my email? I'm in town for the chamber of commerce luncheon.
That's not till Friday.
I'm early, you lucky girl.
Where's mom? Didn't she come with you? No, she's having one of her little nippy-tucky weekends.
Is there anything left to tuck? You'd be amazed.
Here, a present for my little girl.
I remember how much you used to love these when you were growing up.
Oh no, daddy.
See, that was your other daughter.
Here's how you can tell us apart: I have blue eyes and meredith is in jail.
Where are my two favorite grandchildren? - Hey, grandpa.
- Hey, buddy.
Hi, I'm on lockdown.
If I leave the kitchen, my ankle bracelet will go off.
At least lindsay lohan got sushi.
So, princess, what are you in for? Well, someone hasn't been studying, Someone's on the verge of failing And these someones are the same someone.
Tell you what: I have a limo outside.
What do you say we head back to my hotel And take a swim in their big-ass pool? - Ryder: Awesome.
- That might be a big-ass problem, see.
Lennox is in serious academic trouble.
Look, I understand You're new to this guardian thing, But let me give you the benefit of my years of experience: Pull the stick out and lighten the hell up, Pumpkin.
Wow, I thought she only made that face for me.
Hey, kids, why don't you take your grandpa upstairs And show him things, well, that aren't downstairs? Nice deflection, nanny joe.
Okay, I'll spend 10 minutes with the children, Then I'll head back to my hotel And I will never try to be a loving grandfather again.
Well, thanks for not guilting me, dad.
Ladies and gentlemen, former senator russell burke, Representing the great state of himself.
Come on, stephanie, it's a power outage.
I'm busy being a hard-ass here.
Do they really need me? It's not like I can turn the lights back on.
Yes, steph, I know I have a megawatt smile.
Just go.
I can cover.
I'll be your backup hard-ass.
Fine, I'll be there.
Just don't let lennox slack off.
I won't.
Look, she's in there right now Working on her practice test, see? Wait, how do you know she's not just doing a "cosmo" quiz? Because first of all, you already did the "cosmo" quiz And you did it in pen, so you ruined it for everybody else.
And second, every 15 minutes she looks up and she says, "ugh, this friggin' practice test.
" Okay, just don't let her get back on her phone again.
That'd be kind of hard for her to do.
You know why? 'cause her phone is right here.
Oh good.
All right, no phone, No grandpa, no distractions.
Just give her a little water if she asks.
Yeah, and if she's good, I'll give her an hour out in the yard.
- Go, enjoy your blackout.
- Hey, how does my hair look? What am I asking? It's a blackout.
- Hey, joe.
- Senator burke? Um, you just missed your daughter.
What a shame.
You too.
Why are you here? Hey, grandpa.
Just want to take my beloved grandson out For the evening, if that's all right.
Um, well, yeah.
I guess that's okay.
Hey, you mind if your sister comes with us? - Sure, I'll go get her.
- Whoa, wait a minute.
Lennox has a lot of work to do and has a big test on Tuesday.
She'll study better if she gets a little break.
And we don't know how much more time These kids are gonna get with their poor old grandpa.
Joseph, give me an hour.
Look, senator, I would-- You can time us with this rolex-- Your rolex.
No, I could never take anything this nice And yet so much like my old one.
Here we go, kids.
See you in an hour.
Yeah, okay, an hour.
Hello, old friend.
Oh, look at that face.
That's what happens when you ride them backwards.
Seriously.
you'd be back by 8:00.
I know, but you had my watch.
And my phone.
It's been four hours.
Yeah, four of the greatest hours ever.
- Holla.
- Holla.
Listen, The only reason it took so long Is 'cause lennox needed a little time to go to her party.
You're kidding me, right? Do you know how tweeted that party was? Whatever that means.
You went to a high school party? God no.
That would be very inappropriate.
I can't make that mistake again.
We dropped her off, and grandpa and I hung out at the arcade.
Oh really? Why stop there? Why didn't you hit a few strip clubs, - Maybe take a little flight into vegas? - Joseph, you sound peeved.
Yes, I am.
Holla.
Kids, why don't you scurry on up to bed? - Good night.
- Good night, grandpa.
Thanks.
You bet.
We had an agreement, senator.
We said one hour.
Well, I tacked on a little amendment.
Come on, joe.
Nobody got hurt And nobody needs to know.
Why stir up a hornet's nest? Man, that watch-- That watch was made for you.
Well, the power's back on.
Yippee.
I did not get to wear a hard hat, I stepped in mud-- I hope-- And the only burly construction worker that whistled at me Was named allyson.
So was lennox in a bad mood the whole time? No, I can honestly say that was not the case.
Mel, look-- Hey, look at this practice test.
I think this whole hard-ass parent thing is working for me.
I hate to tell you this, but that test is not the whole story.
No no no no, only positive energy, okay? Just let me have this one shining moment where everything worked out.
Look at this beautiful practice test.
It even smells good.
Makes me want to roll it up and smoke it.
I had the most wonderful dream last night.
Lennox was graduating from harvard and yale And she thanked me for that one fateful night I made her stay home and study.
Look, mel, about last night-- Russell came back over here and it wasn't pretty.
Oh, I'm really sorry you had to deal with my dad, But thank you for laying down the law, deputy hard-ass.
- Good morning.
- Good morning, lennox.
Hey, I saw your practice test.
Nice work-- unrealized potential getting realized.
Wow, you're in a good mood.
I thought you'd be mad at me.
Why would I be mad at you? Oh, you didn't talk to grandpa? Lennox, let me tell her, okay? I'm gonna go live with grandpa in d.
C.
Both: What? Whoa, when did this happen? You're going to harvard and yale.
Come on, don't kill my dream.
Grandpa brought it up when he was driving me home.
Home from where? Jillian's party.
You went to the party? You let her leave the house And no one told me? Back the truck up.
Well, grandpa said since you're having trouble dealing with me, Why don't I come and live with him and grandma in d.
C.
Where I'll get a yellow mini cooper on my 16th birthday? Joe, were you home at all last night When these extensive plans got made? You wanted to have a good night and smoke a practice test.
I think we both got filibustered by your dad here-- Filibustered hard.
So what do you say, aunt mel? I say I need a quiet moment to meditate.
- You want a glass? - Glasses only slow me down.
Oh hey, I just want to let you know I dropped the kids off at school And I went over the elements with lennox the whole way, so I'm glad to see you didn't open that.
Yeah well, you don't have to open it to throw it at someone.
( clears throat ) Go ahead-- chicks dig scars.
It's not you.
It's russell.
You're not the first nanny he seduced.
Of course, most of them got jewelry.
( chuckles ) You know, I invited my dad over for dinner tonight, And I have no idea what to say to him.
I mean, I can't win.
If things are bad now, How bad are they gonna be when I force her to stay? And I have to force her to stay.
Can you imagine what'll happen if she goes to live with him? It'll be one big downward spiral, And I've fallen down that spiral myself before-- Literally.
We had this spiral staircase at the georgetown house.
It was the junior prom afterparty.
And I was so wasted, I broke three teeth And flashed the entire kitchen staff.
Okay.
Look, if you want to win, If you want to keep lennox here, Then you need to fight her, okay? And the way to fight her is by not fighting her.
Is that from "the karate kid"? Maybe, yeah.
The point is though, It's a classic teen gambit, okay? It's the game of chicken.
You are both in the same car and you're headed toward the edge of the cliff.
She thinks you're gonna turn to her and scream, "lennox, no! Stop, please! Not the cliff! It's a horrible mistake!" But you're not gonna say that.
What you're gonna say is, "lennox, go faster.
Look at that beautiful cliff.
Hey, let's see if your little yellow mini cooper can fly.
" And I promise you she will back off.
You think that'll work? Yes.
Guaranteed.
I mean, you're desperate, right? I really thought you'd be fighting me on this lennox move, mel, The way you fought me on everything when you were growing up.
I never fought you on anything.
And if I did, you started it.
Bread? - Thanks, joe.
- Sure.
Anyway, I figure you guys have thought this through.
And if this is what lennox wants, let's go with that.
Wow, I'm really gonna miss you when you're gone.
Oh, but joe, when she leaves, We're turning her room into a gym.
You know, with grandpa I don't have to have the 10:00 curfew.
He says I can stay out till 11:00.
Hey, mel, what time was your curfew when you were lennox's age? Gee, you know, I don't think I had a curfew.
I mean, I stayed out a lot of nights.
Right, daddy? I suppose that's true.
- Really? - Yeah.
Oh, this is gonna be so awesome.
Um, yeah.
You know, grandma and grandpa are really relaxed about that stuff.
Hey, is that family planning clinic still at 17th and p? I imagine.
I'm sure you'll find it.
Living with russell and monica is like not having parents at all.
Isn't that great? Yeah.
Yeah, I guess.
I'm still gonna go to school, right? Absolutely, but not one of those Academically taxing, ivy league feeder schools.
No, you want to go to a more relaxed institution Where the pretty girls go.
- Wait a minute.
What? - Bread? - No, did you hear what he just said? - Bread? Don't worry.
They'll have mixers with the real schools.
And that way you can meet a promising young man who's going someplace.
Hook the right one, reel him in and you're set for life.
Okay, all right.
What is she, Just some prize steer you're gonna take to market? Joe, easy.
Look, russell, lennox is smart, okay? And mel expects her to be more than just some guy's arm candy.
And that's why she's hard on her.
Let's be realistic.
That face is wasted stuck in a book.
What? Your face is wasted stuck on your neck! - What? - Joe, get back in the car.
No, I can't.
Did you hear what he just said? Someone's nanny's got his apron in a bunch.
Okay, all right, you know what? That's it.
Your aunt mel is gonna shut this down right now Because she is your legal guardian.
Okay, I think I have a say in this.
Yeah, and so do I.
Joseph, might I have a word with you in the kitchen? Save your forks.
What were you doing? We were right at the cliff.
She was about to put on the brakes.
And then you grabbed the steering wheel and drove her straight to d.
C.
He can't say those things about lennox.
It's not fair to you and it's not fair to her.
Who cares? You completely lost it.
You went rogue.
You totally blew the mission.
He needed telling off.
I'm the man of the house And I was the one who was gonna-- wow.
Can we go back in there and try this again? It was a very good plan.
Joe, no do-overs, all right? It's over.
She's gone.
There's nothing we can do.
Aunt mel.
Oh, dessert in a minute, sweetie.
I just wanted to say this whole idea of me moving to washington-- Oh yeah, that cool idea.
Uh-huh? Yeah, I'm starting to think it's not the right move.
I feel like I'm driving off some kind of cliff here.
Really? You think so? Yeah, I mean, I just-- I don't want to be some guy's arm candy.
And if there's any chance of me making something of myself, I'd probably be better off here With, you know, someone to push me.
And if I go and live with grandpa in washington, I could end up like you.
Well, not the now you.
The messy-haired mug shot you.
Well, I don't know.
I thought it was such a great idea For you to go live with your grandfather.
Yeah, don't buy back the sale here, burke.
But I completely understand your decision.
And it's final, right? Yeah.
Anyway, that was it.
I did it.
You did it? Yeah, it was my arm-candy line That turned the whole thing around.
It was me driving off the cliff.
- Arm candy.
- Cliff.
- Arm candy.
- Cliff.
We both just got lucky there, didn't we? Yeah, we did.
I'll tell you, burke, with a guy like that as a father, It's hard to believe you're as close to normal as you are.
Thank you.
I believe that was close to a compliment.
Close as you're gonna get.
Ryder, sorry you didn't get that extra room.
Do boys your age still like cash? It's timeless.
That's how most legislation gets passed.
So what about me, grandpa? Oh yes, I do have something for you, Beautiful and smart lennox.
"the life of madam curie.
" A famous woman scientist-- Not much of a looker, but very inspirational.
Thanks, grandpa.
Oh here.
Use these 20s as a bookmark.
And mel, I don't have anything for you Except grudging admiration.
Grudging? I mean, thank you.
Dear sweet joseph.
My watch.
I'm gonna miss you, buddy.
Oh, here we go.
Well, send us pictures of mom's new face.
I do hope I recognize her.
Let's do this again soon.
Goodbye.
Well, I guess there's nothing left to say except Lennox, upstairs-- hit the books now.
Hey, joe, you wanna go shoot some hoops? Yeah.
I'll meet you out there.
Look, lennox, I'm really sorry We're gonna miss that green day concert on Monday, But I can't keep you up till midnight the night before a big test.
It's fine.
I understand.
But if you get a "b" or better on the test, We will go see green day in detroit on Saturday.
Really? Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.
How'd you get those tickets? I told you, I'm a very important person.
All right, I'm a semi-important person.
All right, my dad is a very important person And he made a call for me.
At least he's still good for something.
( theme music playing )