Modern Love (2019) s01e05 Episode Script

1 We face the music together And throw our hats in the ring Facing all kinds of weather And not afraid of anything Hey When the sun comes up, we'll be on our way And we don't care where we land And the waves are high, but we won't turn round 'Cause your hand is in my hand And, oh-oh You make me feel invincible 'Cause it's you and me Through the wind and hail Setting sail into the world.
- Facebook or Twitter? - Wait, it's my turn.
- Star Trek or Star Wars? - Sorry.
Star Wars.
Okay.
And Facebook.
Indiana Jones or Oh, please don't say Luke Skywalker.
I wasn't gonna.
Indiana Jones or Grace Jones? Grace, of course.
Amazing Grace.
- Welcome.
- Thank you.
- You're my first guest.
- I'm honored.
- Give me the tour? - Bed's going here.
- Lounge area.
- Uh-huh.
- And kitchen.
- Sorry.
Bathroom's through there.
Okay.
And all that for what? You said $2,200 a month? What a time to be alive.
- Drinks? - Yeah.
Absolutely.
It's really cozy, though.
I like it.
Plus, no more roommates.
You're like a real adult person.
I'm so grown-up I don't even have a bedtime.
(LAUGHS) So what do you got? I got cherry brandy.
Okay.
- Chilli vodka.
- Bizarre.
- Old gifts.
- Hmm.
Oh, I have gin and vermouth.
- Martinis? - Approved.
Perfect.
- Olives or onions? - Olives.
Red state or blue? Oh.
Eh, let's maybe stay off politics.
No.
Rule is you got to answer.
Well, uh, I'm from a red state, but I live in a blue one, so I kind of straddle the political divide.
Like a good libertarian? Or a very confused person.
(ROMANTIC JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) - What? - You know when you move into a place and you visualize this whole new amazing life for yourself? Yeah.
Well, this looks pretty close.
Oh, no, wait.
I'm posting this.
(CAMERA CLICKS) Seriously? Oh, no.
- I was just - What? Tidying.
I have no game.
Maybe your no-game game is the most cunning game of all.
Yeah, I've heard of the no-game game.
That's not what I have.
(SIGHS) I actually believe you.
Can we just forget that that happened? - Okay.
Sure.
- (EXHALES) Okay.
Here.
- Uh, to your new amazing life.
- (BOTH CHUCKLE) (GROANS SOFTLY): Ooh.
(SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE) (SIGHS) Well, now it's just lying there on the floor like a piece of raw meat.
Pretty much.
Yasmine, I just I really had no expectation that this would happen tonight.
Well, it's happening.
But there's (LAUGHS) literally no way I can make a move now.
Fine.
(SETS DOWN GLASS) (BOTH CHUCKLE) (SETS DOWN GLASS) Topless or bottomless? Topless.
Oh, no.
Wait, I thought that you meant on you.
Oh, you want to change your answer? - Okay.
- (BOTH CHUCKLE) Boxers or briefs? I can't remember.
(UNZIPPING) Mm.
(CHUCKLES) I'll be right back.
Okay? Sorry, no curtains yet.
- (WHISTLES) - (LAUGHS) (DOOR CLOSES) (SHOES DROPPING ON FLOOR) (SNIFFS, CLEARS THROAT) (GRUNTS) If you're not back in two minutes, I'm gonna get started on my own.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Really? - This is me at my most inviting.
- Hmm.
- It might need some work.
- Oh, yeah? Well, how about this? (GRUNTS) - (LAUGHING) - (GROANING) - (PANTING) - Are you okay? Oh.
Don't Don't.
(GASPS) Call 911.
Shit.
(BREATHING HEAVILY) Yes, ambulance, please.
He's cut his arm badly.
There's lots of blood everywhere.
Okay.
Ad address.
507 East 10th Street, Apartment 1C.
Did you hear that? Okay, perfect.
- They're on their way.
- Okay.
Okay.
Um, help me with these.
They're still halfway down.
- Or maybe they're halfway up.
- (BOTH CHUCKLE) - There you go.
- Ooh.
Glass half full or glass half empty? Let's play this game later, yeah? - Okay.
- Okay.
(DOORBELL BUZZING) - Yasmine.
- What? - Dress.
- Huh? - Towel.
- Yes.
(DOORBELL BUZZING) - Okay.
- (DOORBELL BUZZING) No.
No, no, no.
Give me the towel.
- Oh.
- Go.
(SIREN WAILING) You know, this isn't the first time that a date ended in the hospital.
I once had some undercooked chicken that gave me hallucinations and a temperature of 104.
You should be really relaxed about all this.
I am.
(LAUGHS) - How old are you? - I'm 31.
33.
I'm sorry.
I don't know why I lied just then.
I do.
- Are you on any medication? - Yeah.
Klonopin.
For anxiety.
And antidepressants.
PARAMEDIC: Okay.
Is he your what? Boyfriend? Uh, friend.
It's our second date.
I'm not a cutter, by the way.
This isn't a sex injury.
I mean, not a weird one.
- Hey, why are you still talking, Rob? - I don't know.
(SIREN WAILING) - Any allergies? - No.
- When was the last time you ate? - Four, uh, five hours ago.
Seafood pasta.
Was very good.
NURSE: Okay.
Um, previous surgeries? I broke my cheekbone once.
Came off a bike.
Mm-hmm.
Get those blinds for me.
- NURSE: Okay.
I'm gonna get this.
- (ROB CLEARS THROAT) - Up.
- Okay.
- These are coming off? - Down.
Yeah, okay.
(WINCES) - Got it? - Yep.
Okay, leg.
Okay.
Want me to lock this stuff away for you? I'll take them.
I know exactly how much money is in there.
Okay.
(ROB SIGHS) - Keep that elevated.
- Ah.
(MONITOR BEEPING STEADILY) Okay, Rob.
I'd like you to count backwards slowly from ten.
Ten, nine, eight, seven six (SOFTLY): five Hmm.
(PHONE CLICKING) Don't worry.
It's still there.
(SIGHS, COUGHS SOFTLY) (ROB GROANS) (ROB SLURPING QUIETLY) Oh, you're awake.
I'm Nick.
I'm just gonna take your blood pressure.
Okay.
Let me see.
(VELCRO RIPS) Surgery went well.
Doctor was pleased.
Oh, great.
Median nerve damage can be tricky to repair.
(AIR PUMPING) You might have a sore throat and a dry mouth from the anesthetic, so keep drinking plenty of water.
I'll make sure he does.
- Okay.
- (VELCRO RIPS) - Thank you.
- Yeah.
How long till I can be discharged? Oh, not long.
Six hours or so.
(LAUGHS) So Look, you should just go.
That's a Six hours is a lot.
Rob, please.
Of course I'll stay.
You'd stay if the roles were reversed.
Absolutely, I would.
You wouldn't even need to be in the hospital.
I'd watch you sleep on a park bench.
Besides, we're still on our date.
I am calling this an intermission.
I've been live-blogging it on social media.
Well, tell 'em to retake their seats.
Okay.
Act two's about to begin.
So Glass half full or glass half empty? (LAUGHS) Half full.
Jets or Giants? Neither.
Steelers.
Out of sight or out of mind? Out of mind.
They're getting very abstract.
It might be the drugs.
What about the other drugs? I get anxiety attacks.
Hmm.
"Attacks" is the wrong word.
For some people, it's like a storm.
But for me, it's more like a fog rolling in.
I kind of shut down, and I can't really function in a social situation.
I was going to tell you.
I just Yeah.
It's not something you offer up until you have to.
Exactly.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Anyway you seem all calm now.
- (PHONE VIBRATES) - Thanks.
- (CLEARS THROAT) - I'd be freaking out if you weren't here, though.
Any good responses? 87 likes and 17 comments so far.
Talk of the town.
Oh, um, I left out your name, just in case you're worried.
So, what are you calling me, then? How about "Martini Lover"? I like "Martini Lover.
" It's got that quality of slightly decadent espionage that people always associate me with.
Done.
You should be going out with a martini lover.
"Rob" is too ordinary somehow.
(DRAMATICALLY): Yasmine and (NASALLY): Rob.
Maybe we just need to rebrand Rob.
Like "New Rob.
" Oh, I can't believe Old Rob ever got this far.
Guys will check you out and then pull focus to me, and they're all thinking, "No, he is never with her.
" I think that's in your head.
Meanwhile, I'm asking myself, "Well, do I seem nervous? "Eh, will obsessing about being nervous "make me appear more nervous? Does she think I'm a total nerd?" Everyone does that, Rob.
But for me, it's paralyzing.
And so, I have no bandwidth left for the actual experience.
Does that make sense? (TOILET FLUSHES) (SIGHS): Oh.
I suppose I'll have a scar.
- Souvenir.
- I guess it's better than getting your name tattooed on my arm.
(CHUCKLES) A guy did that for me once.
Why am I not surprised? Is that your ex? Mm-hmm.
Do you mind? - Uh, no.
Go ahead.
- Oh.
(URINE SLOSHING) Number one, right? I'm earthy.
I'm not a barbarian.
(CHUCKLES) (SIGHS) It's like we've fast-forwarded years somehow.
(TOILET FLUSHES) How do you mean? People are so concerned to put on this big front normally, but now you've seen me at my most vulnerable.
Frightened, bleeding - Naked.
- Exactly.
It's my worst fear realized.
And it's not that bad.
So, when I had my bike accident, I must have gone ass over tit, because the next thing I remember is waking up in an ambulance with my face out to here.
- Oh.
Oh, no.
- And the surgeon is saying that they're gonna put a little incision in my head to go in with a little spoon to lift the cheekbone back into place.
Okay, well, that doesn't sound that bad.
Just as I'm getting the anesthetic, they explain that this procedure doesn't always work.
Okay, so what's the alternative? Alternative is they have to put a steel plate in.
- Okay? - But to do that, they have to slice you from ear to ear across the top of your head, - and then peel your face off.
- No, no, no, no! Stop, stop, - stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
- And just as they're telling me this, - one of the great panic attacks of my career is kicking off.
- Aah! And then the drugs take hold, and I'm off to la-la land.
Okay, well, everyone would react the same way.
Yeah, maybe.
As it turns out, Plan A worked fine.
Scary, though.
I can't tell which one you broke.
- Good.
- Which one is it? This one.
- They did a good job.
- Thank you.
ROB: Jesus.
Last of the Mohicans.
My father used to smoke like that before he died.
ROB: I'm sorry.
(KNIFE SCRAPING ON APPLE) - Was that the - Cause of death? Didn't help.
Was he sick for long? You really want to hear the story? The short version is he had a massive brain hemorrhage.
And the long version? It was my 30th birthday.
Um we had a big party lots of family and friends.
Finally crawled into bed at my boyfriend's at about 6:00.
The next morning, my father made breakfast and brought it up to my mother in bed.
She told me afterwards that they made love, and then he dozed off while she showered.
When she came out, his face had collapsed and, uh, his speech was slurred.
She called an ambulance, but there was nothing to be done.
At the hospital, I sat with him the whole time.
I remember going for a walk while the nurse gave him a bed bath.
As she was finishing, I saw him through the curtains.
He was naked, hooked up to all these machines, but he was so beautiful.
Like some Pietà by Michelangelo.
Anyway, he died an hour later.
(CLEARS THROAT) (YASMINE SIGHS) You sure you don't want something? I can't eat yet.
I'll just get some water.
- Let me get it.
- No, no.
It's fine.
I'll get it.
I can do it.
- You sure? - Yeah.
(YASMINE SNIFFLES) Hey, how are you? (ROB GROANING) (WATER POURING) (LAUGHING) (GROANS SOFTLY): Ah.
- I'm not getting you another.
- (LAUGHS) - Fair.
- (BOTH LAUGH) Do you ever wonder what kind of disabled person you'd be? (STIFLED LAUGH) - See, that's the kind of crap I fixate on.
- (LAUGHS) - And what did you decide? - Oh, I'd be awful.
I'd be consumed by anger and self-pity.
I'd certainly become an alcoholic.
You mean a full-blown one? Ow.
That stings more than my arm.
Sorry.
Low-hanging fruit.
I'd spend years in pointless litigation.
You're so hard on yourself.
And then, if any woman ever showed me any kindness, I'd make them regret it instantly.
(LAUGHS) How so? Like, I would willfully mistake it for romantic attention, and then I'd become enraged if they didn't follow through.
Like, full incel.
Uh, I don't know you very well, but this doesn't sound like you.
Just thank God this wound is gonna heal, for all our sakes.
So, what kind of disabled person do you think I'd be? Oh.
(CHUCKLES) You'd be an inspiration.
- Would I, now? (LAUGHS) - For sure.
You'd adjust really quickly.
- You'd throw yourself into advocacy.
- (SNORTS) You'd be on the Paralympic archery team.
- There'd be TED Talks and cosmetics contracts.
- (LAUGHS) Oh.
All right, all right, you might be overreaching.
No, you'd be, like, completely redefining beauty standards for the 21st century.
- You're ridiculous.
- I'm also high.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Thank you.
ROB: Didn't know you smoked.
I don't, really.
This is disgusting.
Can I ask you something serious? Sure.
What happened with your boyfriend? We hadn't known each other that long, and we were suddenly into this really intense thing.
That's good sometimes, no? Was asking a lot.
- I was pretty hard to be around.
- No.
I think you have a slightly false impression of me.
How? Well (SIGHS) take this evening.
I seem like a total hero for staying up all night with you, - right? - Well To everyone online, I seem so considerate.
But what am I gonna do, go to a nightclub and check on you tomorrow? When you put it like that, uh It's a bit too important to me, though, that perception.
Now you're just being hard on yourself.
This isn't easy to admit, but you've been so honest with me.
Everyone likes attention, Yasmine.
Yeah, but 87 likes is a big disappointment.
Okay.
I want your neighbors to see me through the windows and desire me.
I want that paramedic to think I'm the funniest girl he's ever met.
Why this need to make strangers fall in love with me? What's the difference? - It's harmless.
- It's manipulative.
But so long as you're aware of it.
- That comment you made about guys checking me out.
- (CHUCKLES) You can't help that, surely.
Oh, I can.
(CHUCKLES) I'm doing it.
What? Okay.
My friends and I used to do this thing on the Metro, as teenagers.
If you're going down the escalator, we'd compete to get the most guys to notice us.
ROB: How? YASMINE: Eye contact.
A smile.
That's all it takes.
I have noticed that, actually.
So did my ex.
He'd call me on it.
I'd get defensive, convince him that he was paranoid.
It was pretty shitty of me.
Hmm.
You're right, you know.
I'm really good at dating, but I'm also hard to be around long-term.
So we decided to take a break.
Oh.
Okay.
When was this? A few weeks ago.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
No.
It's okay.
It's (CHUCKLES): You know, I mean, we never really talked about anything serious.
Just small talk.
Well, it's certainly big talk now.
("PEOPLE TALKING" BY ROBERT JOHN ARDIFF PLAYING) ROB: Did you get in and out okay? Oh.
Yes.
I've put some clothes in the closet for you.
- Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.
People talking People strange Cracked a code to The human brain And try to wrestle Thoughts into place Before your body Goes astray If you want it Play the game If you feel it Try to stay I've been wonderin' Will you stay the same? - People talking - (GRUNTS) People strange How was the apartment? Like the Manson murders crime scene.
(CHUCKLES) (SIREN WAILING) - You're just special - (YAWNS) Because you're sane That old monster on your shoulder Won't go away Pass the whiskey I'll drink it straight Holy, holy Beyond the pale.
Coffee? Thanks.
- Danish or strudel? - Mm.
I don't care.
Rule is you got to answer.
Danish, then.
Thank you.
What a gorgeous scene.
Yeah.
I'm impressed you've fought the urge to put it on Instagram.
I would, but my battery's dead.
Yeah.
I got to say, I I had fantasized about you staying over and us getting breakfast.
It was a little different in my imagination.
Well, that could still happen.
Really? Even after tonight? Please, don't have an anxiety attack.
Ooh.
Shots fired.
Meantime, this is good.
No? Better than good.
Here.
To your new, amazing life.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, the apartment.
- Oh, my God.
- I'll help you clean up.
- Will you help me move out? - (LAUGHS) Can we just sit here a bit? Sure.
But I might need to lay down.
- Is it okay? - Mm-hmm.
Will you hold that for a sec? - Sure.
- Thanks.
- What are you - I'm trying to - Let me.
(LAUGHS) - Would you? - I can't do it.
- (SIGHS) - Thank you.
Very sweet.
- Yeah.
(YASMINE SIGHS) (ROB SIGHS) - Can I say something? - Hmm? I really appreciate this.
- Mm.
- No, I mean it.
I I I know that we've only just now met and nothing has really happened.
And I know that you're just out of an intense relationship, and I'm not really, probably, you know, a long-term prospect.
But I just want to say, whatever happens, this meant something.
Honestly, if I never see you again, or if you stick around a very long time, or anything in between those two, it's all Yasmine, are you asleep? Hmm? What? How much of that did you hear? Why are you still talking, Rob? I don't know.
I'm sorry.
I'm good.
Another year has come and gone Another circle round the sun Another thousand tears have Fallen I don't ever count 'em 'cause I'm surrounded by your love And days are never long enough Four more seasons on parade Show their colors, then they fade But that won't happen to us Darlin' We'll remember how it was Then begin again because Days are never long enough Time's never late Isn't bound by our fate.