Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969) s01e05 Episode Script
Man's Crisis of Identity in the Latter Half of the Twentieth Century
( man panting ) ( panting increases ) IT'S MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March"|playing ) and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS.]
( music ends with squawk ) ( car arriving ) ( car door slams ) OH, GOOD, THAT'LL BE|THE VET, DEAR.
I'D BETTER GO|AND LET HIM IN.
( audience laughs ) IT'S THE|VET, DEAR.
VERY GLAD, INDEED YOU COULD|COME ROUND, SIR.
NOT AT ALL.
NOW, WHAT SEEMS|TO BE THE PROBLEM? YOU CAN TELL ME.
I'M A VET, YOU KNOW.
SEE? TELL HIM, DEAR.
WELL IT'S OUR CAT! HE DOESN'T|DO ANYTHING.
HE JUST SITS OUT THERE|ON THE LAWN.
IS HE DEAD? OH, NO.
THANK GOD FOR THAT.
FOR ONE GHASTLY MOMENT|I THOUGHT I WAS TOO LATE.
IF ONLY MORE|PEOPLE WOULD CALL|IN THE NICK OF TIME.
HE JUST SITS THERE ALL DAY|AND EVERY DAY.
AND AT NIGHT SHH! ALMOST|MOTIONLESS.
WE HAVE TO TAKE|HIS FOOD OUT TO HIM.
AND HIS MILK SHH! HE DOESN'T|DO ANYTHING.
HE JUST SITS THERE.
ARE YOU AT YOUR WIT'S END? DEFINITELY-- SHH-- YES.
HMM, I SEE.
WELL, I THINK|I MAY BE ABLE TO HELP YOU.
YOU SEE ( light laughter ) YOUR CAT IS SUFFERING FROM WHAT WE VETS|HAVEN'T FOUND A WORD FOR.
( laughter ) HIS CONDITION IS TYPIFIED|BY TOTAL PHYSICAL INERTIA-- ABSENCE OF INTEREST|IN ITS AMBIANCE-- WHAT WE VETS CALL "ENVIRONMENT.
" OH FAILURE TO RESPOND TO THE CONVENTIONAL|EXTERNAL STIMULI: A BALL OF STRING,|A NICE JUICY MOUSE, A BIRD.
TO BE BLUNT,|YOUR CAT IS IN A RUT.
( laughter ) IT'S THE OLD|STOCKBROKER SYNDROME THE SUBURBAN|FIN-DE-SIECLE ENNUI ANGST, WELTSCHMERTZ--|CALL IT WHAT YOU WILL.
MOPING.
IN A WAY, IN A WAY.
HMM, "MOPING,"|I MUST REMEMBER THAT.
NOW, WHAT'S TO BE DONE.
TELL ME, SIR, HAVE YOU|CONFUSED YOUR CAT RECENTLY? WELL, I SHH! NO.
YES, WELL I THINK I CAN DEFINITELY SAY THAT YOUR CAT BADLY NEEDS|TO BE CONFUSED.
WHAT? SHH! WHAT? CONFUSED-- TO SHAKE IT OUT|OF ITS STATE OF COMPLACENCY.
I'M AFRAID I'M NOT PERSONALLY|QUALIFIED TO CONFUSE CATS BUT I CAN RECOMMEND|AN EXTREMELY GOOD SERVICE.
HERE IS THEIR CARD.
OH, "CONFUSE-A-CAT.
" "CONFUSE-A-CAT, LIMITED.
" OH.
SQUAD!|EYES FRONT! STAND AT EASE! CAT CONFUSERS CONFUSERS HO! WELL, MEN,|WE'VE GOT A VERY DIFFICULT|CAT TO CONFUSE TODAY SO LET'S GET STRAIGHT|ON WITH IT, JOLLY GOOD.
THANK YOU, SERGEANT.
CONFUSERS! ATTEND TO THE VAN|AND FETCH OUT WAIT FOR IT! FETCH OUT|THE FUNNY THINGS! MOVE, MOVE,|MOVE, MOVE! ONE, TWO,|ONE, TWO GET THOSE|FUNNY THINGS OFF! ( clears throat ) RIGHT, GET|RID OF THAT! GET A MOVE ON,|MOVE IT.
ROUND ABOUT THIS WAY.
FURTHER BACK,|OVER THERE, LEAVE IT DOWN.
ONE, TWO, ONE, TWO.
CONFUSERS! FALL IN! STAGE READY FOR|CONFUSING, SIR! VERY GOOD.
CARRY ON, SERGEANT.
LEFT TURN! ( voice breaking ):|DOUBLE MARCH! RIGHT, MEN, CONFUSE THE CAT.
( drum roll and rim shot ) ( throaty guffawing ) MY LORDS,|LADIES AND GENTLEMEN ( jazzy drum solo playing ) ( drum solo ending ) I HOPE TO GOD|IT WORKS.
ANYWAY, WE SHALL KNOW|ANY MINUTE NOW.
OH, I CAN'T|BELIEVE IT! NEITHER CAN I.
IT'S JUST LIKE|THE OLD DAYS.
HE'S CURED.
OH, THANK YOU,|GENERAL.
WHAT CAN WE EVER|DO TO REPAY YOU? NO NEED TO, SIR.
IT'S ALL IN A DAY'S WORK FOR CONFUSE-A-CAT.
( applause ) ( old lady humming|"Some Enchanted Evening" ) ( man humming|"My Beautiful Balloon" ) HAVE YOU READ THIS, SIR? NO-- OH, YES, YES, YES.
ANYTHING TO DECLARE? YES-- NO! NO! NO, NO, NOTHING|TO DECLARE, NO.
NOTHING IN|MY SUITCASE, NO.
NO WATCHES,|CAMERAS, RADIO SETS? OH, YES,|FOUR WATCHES NO! NO! NO NO, ONE WATCH.
NO! NO, NOT|EVEN ONE WATCH.
NO WATCHES AT ALL.
NO, NO WATCHES|AT ALL.
NO PRECISION|WATCHES, NO.
WHICH COUNTRY HAVE YOU BEEN|VISITING, SIR? SWITZERLAND NO! NO,|NOT SWITZERLAND, HA! NOT SWITZERLAND.
IT BEGAN WITH "S"|BUT IT WASN'T SWITZERLAND.
OH, WHAT COULD IT BE? TERRIBLY BAD|MEMORY FOR NAMES.
UH WHAT'S THE NAME|OF THAT COUNTRY WHERE THEY DON'T|MAKE WATCHES AT ALL? ( laughter ) SPAIN? SPAIN! THAT'S IT.
SPAIN, YES, MMM.
THE LABEL SAYS "ZURICH," SIR.
YES, WELL|IT WAS SPAIN, THEN.
( laughter ) ZURICH'S IN SWITZERLAND, SIR.
SWITZERLAND,|YEAH, MMM, MMM SWITZERLAND.
YEAH, MM-HMM WHERE THEY|MAKE THE WATCHES.
AH! YEAH ( chuckling nervously ) ( humming ) OOH, NICE SHED|YOU'VE GOT HERE.
HAVE YOU GOT ANY|SWISS CURRENCY, SIR? NO, JUST THE WATCHES.
AH! JUST MY WATCH.
( laughter ) JUST MY WATCH, UH|MY WATCH ON THE CURRENCY.
I'VE KEPT A WATCH|ON THE CURRENCY AND I'VE WATCHED IT|AND I HAVEN'T GOT ANY.
THAT COME OUT|A BIT GLIB,|DIDN'T IT? ( alarm clock rings ) ( pounds again ) HAVE YOU GOT AN ALARM CLOCK|IN THERE, SIR? NO, NO, HEAVENS NO, NO.
JUST VESTS, HA! ( laughter ) ( alarm still ringing ) ( alarm stops ) SOUNDED A BIT LIKE|AN ALARM CLOCK GOING OFF.
WELL, IT CAN'T HAVE BEEN.
IT MUST HAVE BEEN A VEST UH GOING OFF.
GOING OFF.
( clocks chime ) ALL RIGHT! I CONFESS,|I'M A SMUGGLER.
THIS WHOLE CASE|IS CRAMMED FULL OF SWISS WATCHES|AND CLOCKS.
I'VE BEEN PURPOSELY|TRYING TO DECEIVE HER MAJESTY'S|CUSTOMS AND EXCISE.
I'VE BEEN|A BLOODY FOOL.
I DON'T BELIEVE YOU, SIR.
( laughter ) IT'S TRUE, I'M GUILTY|OF SMUGGLING.
DON'T GIVE|ME THAT, SIR.
YOU COULDN'T SMUGGLE|A PIECE OF GREASE-PROOFED PAPER LET ALONE A CASE|FULL OF WATCHES.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?! I'VE SMUGGLED WATCHES|BEFORE, YOU KNOW! I'VE SMUGGLED BOMBS,|CAMERAS, MICROFILMS,|AIRCRAFT COMPONENTS.
YOU NAME IT,|I'VE SMUGGLED IT.
NOW, MOVE ALONG, PLEASE.
YOU'RE WASTING OUR TIME,|MOVE ALONG, PLEASE.
LOOK! LOOK AT THIS.
LOOK, FOR ALL I KNOW, SIR, YOU|COULD'VE BOUGHT THESE IN LONDON BEFORE YOU EVER WENT TO SWITZERLAND.
I WOULDN'T BUY 2,000 CLOCKS! PEOPLE DO.
NOW CLOSE HER UP.
MOVE ALONG, PLEASE.
GO ON,|DON'T WASTE OUR TIME.
WE'RE OUT TO CATCH|THE REAL SMUGGLERS.
I AM A REAL|SMUGGLER! I'M A SMUGGLER,|EVERYBODY! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? I'M A SMUGGLER! I'M A LAWBREAKER!|I'M A SMUGGLER! POOR FELLOW,|I THINK HE NEEDS HELP.
RIGHT, CUT THE|WISECRACKS, VICAR.
GET TO THE SEARCH|ROOM AND STRIP.
( laughter ) WELL, TO DISCUSS|THE IMPLICATIONS OF THAT SKETCH AND TO CONSIDER|THE MORAL PROBLEMS RAISED BY THE LAW ENFORCEMENT|METHODS INVOLVED WE HAVE A DUCK,|A CAT AND A LIZARD.
NOW, FIRST OF ALL I'D LIKE TO PUT THIS QUESTION|TO YOU, PLEASE, LIZARD: HOW EFFECTIVE|DO YOU CONSIDER|THE LEGAL WEAPONS EMPLOYED BY LEGAL CUSTOMS|OFFICERS NOWADAYS? WELL, WHILE YOU'RE|THINKING ABOUT THAT I'D LIKE TO BRING|THE DUCK IN HERE AND ASK HER,|IF POSSIBLE TO CLARIFY THE WHOLE QUESTION|OF CURRENCY RESTRICTIONS AND CUSTOM REGULATIONS|IN THE WORLD TODAY.
PERHAPS THE CAT|WOULD RATHER ANSWER THAT? ( laughter ) NO? LIZARD? NO.
WELL, UH LET'S ASK THE MAN IN THE STREET|WHAT HE THINKS.
I AM NOT A MAN, YOU SILLY BILLY.
I'M NOT IN THE STREET,|YOU FAIRY! WELL, UH, SPEAKING|AS A MAN IN THE STREET ( screams ) WHAT WAS THE QUESTION AGAIN? Moderator:|JUST HOW RELEVANT ARE CONTEMPORARY|CUSTOMS REGULATIONS AND CURRENCY|RESTRICTIONS IN A MODERN, EXPANDING|INDUSTRIAL ECONOMY? OH, NEVER MIND.
WELL, I THINK CUSTOMS MEN|SHOULD BE ARMED SO THEY CAN KILL PEOPLE CARRYING|MORE THAN 200 CIGARETTES.
( ranting ):|WELL, I THINK THAT, UH|NOBODY WHO HAS GONE ABROAD SHOULD BE ALLOWED|BACK IN THE COUNTRY! I MEAN, UH BLIMEY! BLIMEY! IF THEY'RE NOT KEEN ENOUGH|TO STAY HERE WHEN THEY'RE HERE WHY SHOULD|WE ALLOW THEM BACK, HUH AT THE TAXPAYERS' EXPENSE? I MEAN, BE FAIR! I MEAN, I DON'T|EAT SQUIRRELS, DO I? I MEAN, WELL, PERHAPS I DO,|ONE OR TWO BUT THERE'S NO LAW|AGAINST THAT, IS THERE? IT'S A FREE COUNTRY! I MEAN, IF I WANT TO EAT|A SQUIRREL NOW AND AGAIN THAT'S MY OWN BUSINESS,|ISN'T IT? I MEAN, I'M NO RACIALIST! I OH ( groaning ) I THINK IT'S SILLY TO ASK|A LIZARD WHAT IT THINKS, ANYWAY.
Moderator:|WHY? I MEAN, THEY SHOULD HAVE|ASKED MARGARET DRABBLE.
WELL, I THINK CUSTOMS PEOPLE|ARE QUITE NECESSARY AND I THINK THEY'RE DOING|QUITE A GOOD JOB, REALLY.
CHECK.
( heavy thumping andpounding ) DOOR'S OPEN.
OH, YEAH.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,|ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
MY NAME'S POLICE|CONSTABLE HENRY THATCHER AND THIS IS A RAID.
I HAVE REASON TO BELIEVE THAT THERE ARE|CERTAIN SUBSTANCES ON THE PREMISES.
( constable sniffing ) WHAT SORT OF|SUBSTANCES, OFFICER? ER, CERTAIN SUBSTANCES.
WELL, WHAT SORT OF|CERTAIN SUBSTANCES? ER, CERTAIN SUBSTANCES|OF AN ILLICIT NATURE.
COULD YOU BE MORE SPECIFIC?? I BEG YOUR PARDON? COULD YOU BE CLEARER? OH, OH, YEAH.
CERTAIN SUBSTANCES|ON THE PREMISES TO BE REMOVED|FOR CLINICAL TESTS.
HAVE YOU GOT ANYTHING|PARTICULAR IN MIND? WELL, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT? NOTHING, OFFICER.
YOU ARE SANDY CAMP, THE ACTOR? YES.
I MUST WARN YOU, SIR THAT OUTSIDE I HAVE|POLICE DOG JOSEPHINE WHO IS NOT ONLY ARMED AND TRAINED TO SNIFF OUT|CERTAIN SUBSTANCES BUT IS ALSO A JUNKIE.
( laughter ) WHAT ARE YOU AFTER? OH! OH, OH! OH! OH, OH, OH! OH, OH OH! I'VE HERE IS|A BROWN PAPER BAG I HAVE FOUND|ON THE PREMISES.
I MUST CONFISCATE|THIS, SIR AND TAKE IT WITH ME|FOR CLINICAL EXAMINATION.
WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU JUST GOT THAT|OUT OF YOUR POCKET.
WHAT? WELL, WHAT'S|IN IT ANYWAY? SANDWICHES? SANDWICHES? BLIMEY! WHATEVER|DID I GIVE THE WIFE? Woman:|"DEAR BBC,|EAST GRIMSTEAD, FRIDAY "I FEEL I REALLY MUST WRITE|AND PROTEST ABOUT THAT SKETCH.
"MY HUSBAND, IN COMMON WITH A|LOT OF PEOPLE OF HIS AGE, IS 50.
"FOR HOW LONG ARE WE|TO PUT UP WITH THESE THINGS? YOURS SINCERELY,|E.
D.
DEBENHAM, MRS.
" Man:|"DEAR FREDDY GRISEWOOD,|BAGSHOT, SURREY.
"AS A PROLIFIC LETTER WRITER "I FEEL I MUST PROTEST|ABOUT THE PREVIOUS LETTER.
"I AM NEARLY 60|AND AM QUITE MAD.
"BUT I DO ENJOY LISTENING|TO THE BBC HOME SERVICE.
"IF THIS CONTINUES|TO GO ON UNABATED "DUNKIRK, DARK DAYS OF THE WAR,|BACKS TO THE WALL "ALVAR LIDDELL, BERLIN AIRLIFT,|MORAL UPHEAVAL OF PROFUMO CASE "YOUNG HIPPIES|ROAMING THE STREETS "RAPING, LOOTING AND KILLING.
YOURS, ETCETERA, BRIGADIER|ARTHUR GORMANSTROP, MRS.
" ( laughter ) WELL, I THINK THEY SHOULD|ATTACK THINGS LIKE THAT WITH SATIRE.
I MEAN, NED SHERRIN.
FAIR'S FAIR.
I THINK PEOPLE SHOULD BE ABLE TO|MAKE UP THEIR OWN MINDS FOR ME.
WELL, I THINK THEY SHOULD ATTACK THE FUDDY-DUDDY ATTITUDES|OF THE LOWER MIDDLE CLASSES WHICH PERMIT THE ESTABLISHMENT|TO SURVIVE AND KEEP THE MORES|OF THE WHOLE COUNTRY BACK WHERE THEY WERE|IN THE 19th CENTURY AND THE GHASTLY DAYS OF|THE PRESEXUAL REVOLUTION.
WELL, THAT'S,|ER, VERY INTERESTING BECAUSE, ER, I AM, IN FACT,|MADE ENTIRELY OF WOOD.
WELL, I THINK THEY SHOULD|ATTACK THE LOWER CLASSES FIRST WITH BOMBS AND ROCKETS,|DESTROYING THEIR HOMES AND THEN WHEN THEY RUN|HELPLESS INTO THE STREETS MOWING THEM DOWN|WITH MACHINE GUNS.
AND THEN, OF COURSE,|RELEASING THE VULTURES.
I KNOW THESE VIEWS|AREN'T POPULAR BUT I HAVE NEVER|COURTED POPULARITY.
I THINK THERE SHOULD|BE MORE RACE PREJUDICE.
LESS.
LESS RACE PREJUDICE.
AND SEVERAL BUTCHER'S APRONS.
IN FULHAM THIS MORNING,|A JEWELER'S SHOP WAS BROKEN INTO AND JEWELRY TO THE VALUE|OF &2,000 STOLEN.
POLICE HAVE ISSUED THIS PICTURE|OF A MAN THEY WISH TO INTERVIEW.
THE MAN IS IN HIS LATE 20s WEARING A GRAY SUIT,|A WHITE SHIRT AND A FLORAL TIE.
WILL ANYONE WHO SEES THIS MAN OR CAN GIVE ANY INFORMATION|ABOUT HIS WHEREABOUTS CONTACT THEIR NEAREST|POLICE STATION? AH OH, WE'VE JUST HEARD|THAT POLICE HAVE DETAINED THE MAN THEY WISHED TO INTERVIEW IN CONNECTION WITH|THE JEWEL ROBBERY.
BUT AFTER QUESTIONING POLICE HAVE RULED HIM|OUT OF THEIR INQUIRIES AND RELEASED HIM.
SPORT.
AH, THEY SAY, HOWEVER, THAT|ACTING ON HIS INFORMATION THEY NOW WISH TO INTERVIEW|A NEWSREADER IN THE CENTRAL LONDON AREA.
POLICE ARE CONCENTRATING|THEIR INQUIRIES ON THE BRITISH BROADCASTING|ASSOCI EXCUSE ME A MINUTE.
WE UNDERSTAND A MAN|IS NOW HELPING POLICE WITH THEIR INQUIRIES.
AND THAT IS THE END OF THE NEWS.
AND NOW, "MATCH OF THE DAY.
" ( newsreel musicplays ) ( car engine revving ) ( quick footsteps ) UH, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.
IT'S NOT, IN FACT,|"MATCH OF THE DAY.
" IT IS, IN FACT,|EDITED HIGHLIGHTS OF TONIGHT'S ROMANTIC MOVIE.
UH SORRY.
OOH! I'M SORRY.
ON BBC2, JOAN BAKEWELL WILL|BE TALKING TO MICHAEL DEAN ABOUT WHAT MAKES|EXCITING TELEVISION.
AH, SORRY ABOUT ALL THAT.
AND NOW,|BACK TO THE MOVIE.
OH, BEVIS.
OH, DARLING.
OH, SHOULD WE? WHY NOT? OH! BE GENTLE WITH ME.
( laughter ) OH, BEVIS, ARE YOU|GOING TO DO ANYTHING OR ARE YOU JUST|GOING TO SHOW ME|FILMS ALL EVENING? JUST ONE MORE, DEAR.
OH! ( Hawaiian musicplaying ) ( makes a raspberry ) WHOA! CHARLES ATLAS! WITH THE WORLD'S MOST|PERFECTLY DEVELOPED BODY.
TIRED OF BEING PUSHED AROUND? WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO|SOME PUSHING AROUND INSTEAD? WOULD YOU LIKE A BODY THAT|CAN'T FAIL TO ATTRACT WOMEN? ( women squealing ) A BODY THAT IS THE ENVY|OF OTHER MEN? OH, I MUST GET|ONE OF THOSE.
THEN LET ME HAVE YOUR SKINNY,|SCRAWNY LITTLE BODY FOR JUST 15 MINUTES A DAY.
I'VE HEARD THAT ONE|BEFORE, DUCKY.
LET ME SLAP 50 POUNDS|OF HE-MAN MUSCLES ON YOU.
THICK, HERCULEAN ARMS A DEEP, MASSIVE CHEST ATOMIC-POWERED LEGS,|SHOULDERS A YARD WIDE AND RIGHT IN THE PRIVACY|OF YOUR OWN HOME.
( laughter ) WHAT'S MY SECRET? IT'S DYNAMO TENSION.
MUSCLES PULLING AGAINST MUSCLES,|THE NATURAL WAY.
( groans ) HERE'S LIVING PROOF.
AND THERE'S NO NEED|TO STOP THERE.
( inhaling repeatedly ) SO DON'T DELAY.
SEND TODAY FOR MY GIGANTIC, FREE,|78-PAGE MUSCLE-BUILDING COURSE.
( knock at door ) POSTMAN.
AND START BUILDING A BODY|YOU CAN BE PROUD OF.
( clicking quickly ) ( Hawaiian musicplays ) ( gulps ) ( giggling ) YOU KNOW, I REALLY ENJOY|INTERVIEWING APPLICANTS FOR THIS MANAGEMENT|TRAINING COURSE.
( knock at door ) COME IN.
AH, COME AND SIT DOWN.
THANK YOU.
( clears throat ) WOULD YOU MIND|JUST STANDING UP AGAIN FOR ONE MOMENT? TAKE A SEAT.
I'M SORRY? TAKE A SEAT.
YES.
AH! GOOD MORNING.
GOOD MORNING.
GOOD MORNING.
GOOD MORNING.
( laughter ) TELL ME, WHY DO YOU|SAY "GOOD MORNING" WHEN YOU KNOW PERFECTLY|WELL IT'S AFTERNOON? WELL, YOU SAID "GOOD MORNING.
" ( chuckles ) GOOD AFTERNOON.
GOOD AFTERNOON.
OH, DEAR.
( laughter ) GOOD EVENING.
GOOD-BYE? ( laughs ) ( laughing ) NO.
( laughter ) AREN'T YOU|GOING TO ASK ME WHY I RANG THE BELL? ER, WHY DID YOU|RING THE BELL? WHY DO YOU THINK|I RANG THE BELL? ( shouting ):|FIVE, FOUR THREE, TWO ONE, ZERO! WELL, I, I TOO LATE! ( laughter ) GOOD NIGHT DING-DING-|DING-DING DING-DING-|DING-DING-DING.
GOOD NIGHT DING-DING-|DING-DING DING-DING-|DING-DING-DING.
UM THIS IS|IS THE INTERVIEW FOR THE MANAGEMENT|TRAINING COURSE, IS IT? YES-- YES, IT IS.
GOOD NIGHT DING-DING-|DING-DING-DING OH, DEAR, I DON'T THINK|I'M DOING VERY WELL.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT? WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
DO YOU SAY IT|BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T KNOW? WELL, I|I DON'T KNOW.
FIVE! FOUR, THREE,|TWO, ONE, ZERO! RIGHT.
( clears throat ) ( gurgling ) I'M SORRY, I'M CONFUSED.
WELL, WHY DID YOU THINK|I DID THAT THEN? WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
AREN'T YOU CURIOUS? WELL, YES.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU ASK ME? NAME? WHAT? YOUR NAME, PLEASE! UM, ER, DAVID.
DAVID.
SURE? OH, YES.
DAVID SHAW.
NO, NO-- THOMAS.
THOMAS SHAW? NO, NO-- DAVID THOMAS.
GOOD NIGHT DING-DING-|DING-DING OH, DEAR, WE'RE|BACK TO THAT AGAIN.
GOOD NIGHT DING-DING-DING-DING DING-DING-|DING-DING-DING.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO|WHEN YOU DO THAT.
WELL, DO SOMETHING.
GOOD NIGHT DING-DING-|DING-DING FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE! ( squawks ) GOOD! GOOD? VERY GOOD.
DO IT AGAIN.
( squawks ) VERY GOOD INDEED.
QUITE OUTSTANDING.
AH, RIGHT, READY NOW.
RIGHT, ONCE MORE.
GOOD NIGHT DING-DING-|DING-DING DING-DING-|DING-DING-DING.
( squawks ) ( laughter and applause ) WHA WHAT'S GOING ON? WHAT'S GOING ON? YOU GOT VERY GOOD MARKS.
WELL, I DON'T CARE.
I WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON! I THINK YOU'RE DELIBERATELY|TRYING TO HUMILIATE PEOPLE AND I'M GOING|STRAIGHT OUT OF HERE AND I'M GOING|TO TELL THE POLICE EXACTLY WHAT|YOU DO TO PEOPLE AND THEY'RE GOING|TO MAKE BLOODY SURE THAT YOU NEVER|DO IT AGAIN.
THERE, WHAT DO|YOU THINK OF THAT?! WHAT DO YOU|THINK OF THAT? VERY GOOD MARKS.
OH, OH WELL,|DO I GET THE JOB? ER, WELL, I'M AFRAID NOT.
I'M AFRAID ALL THE VACANCIES|WERE FILLED SEVERAL WEEKS AGO.
( all laughing uproariously ) HMM.
WELL, THAT WAS ALL GOOD FUN AND WE ALL HAD|A JOLLY GOOD LAUGH.
( laughter ) BUT I WOULD LIKE TO ASSURE YOU THAT YOU'D NEVER|BE TREATED LIKE THAT IF YOU HAD AN INTERVIEW HERE|AT THE CAREERS ADVISORY BOARD.
PERHAPS I SHOULD|INTRODUCE MYSELF.
I AM THE HEAD OF THE|CAREERS ADVISORY BOARD.
I WANTED TO BE A DOCTOR,|BUT THERE WE ARE.
I'M HEAD OF|THE CAREERS ADVISORY BOARD.
OR A SCULPTOR--|SOMETHING ARTISTIC.
OR AN ENGINEER,|WITH ALL THOSE DAMS BUT THERE WE ARE, IT'S NO|USE CRYING OVER SPILT MILK.
THE FACTS ARE THERE|AND THAT'S THAT.
I'M THE HEAD|OF THIS LOUSY BOARD.
( sobbing ) NEVER MIND.
( laughter ) NOW, I WONDER IF YOU'VE|EVER CONSIDERED WHAT A VERY PROFITABLE|LINE OF WORK THIS MAN IS IN.
BURGLAR! BURGLAR! YES? BURGLAR, MADAM.
WHAT DO YOU WANT? I WANT TO COME IN|AND STEAL A FEW THINGS, MADAM.
ARE YOU|AN ENCYCLOPEDIA SALESMAN? NO, MADAM,|I'M A BURGLAR.
I BURGLE PEOPLE.
I THINK YOU'RE|AN ENCYCLOPEDIA SALESMAN.
OH, I'M NOT,|OPEN THE DOOR.
LET ME IN, PLEASE.
IF I LET YOU IN,|YOU'LL SELL ME|ENCYCLOPEDIAS.
I WON'T, MADAM.
I JUST WANT TO COME IN,|RANSACK THE FLAT HONESTLY.
PROMISE? NO ENCYCLOPEDIAS? NONE AT ALL.
ALL RIGHT.
YOU'D BETTER COME IN, THEN.
MIND YOU,|I DON'T KNOW WHETHER YOU'VE EVER|REALLY CONSIDERED THE ADVANTAGES OF OWNING|A REALLY FINE SET OF MODERN ENCYCLOPEDIAS.
YOU KNOW, THEY CAN DO|YOU REALLY WONDERS.
THAT MAN WAS A SUCCESSFUL|ENCYCLOPEDIA SALESMAN.
BUT NOT ALL ENCYCLOPEDIA|SALESMEN ARE SUCCESSFUL.
HERE IS AN UNSUCCESSFUL|ENCYCLOPEDIA SALESMAN.
( drum roll ) ( laughter ) NOW HERE ARE TWO UNSUCCESSFUL|ENCYCLOPEDIA SALESMEN.
( drum roll ) I THINK THERE'S A LESSON THERE|FOR ALL OF US.
and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS Captioned by|The Caption Center|WGBH EducationaL Foundation.]
( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March"|playing ) ( music ends )
( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March"|playing ) and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS.]
( music ends with squawk ) ( car arriving ) ( car door slams ) OH, GOOD, THAT'LL BE|THE VET, DEAR.
I'D BETTER GO|AND LET HIM IN.
( audience laughs ) IT'S THE|VET, DEAR.
VERY GLAD, INDEED YOU COULD|COME ROUND, SIR.
NOT AT ALL.
NOW, WHAT SEEMS|TO BE THE PROBLEM? YOU CAN TELL ME.
I'M A VET, YOU KNOW.
SEE? TELL HIM, DEAR.
WELL IT'S OUR CAT! HE DOESN'T|DO ANYTHING.
HE JUST SITS OUT THERE|ON THE LAWN.
IS HE DEAD? OH, NO.
THANK GOD FOR THAT.
FOR ONE GHASTLY MOMENT|I THOUGHT I WAS TOO LATE.
IF ONLY MORE|PEOPLE WOULD CALL|IN THE NICK OF TIME.
HE JUST SITS THERE ALL DAY|AND EVERY DAY.
AND AT NIGHT SHH! ALMOST|MOTIONLESS.
WE HAVE TO TAKE|HIS FOOD OUT TO HIM.
AND HIS MILK SHH! HE DOESN'T|DO ANYTHING.
HE JUST SITS THERE.
ARE YOU AT YOUR WIT'S END? DEFINITELY-- SHH-- YES.
HMM, I SEE.
WELL, I THINK|I MAY BE ABLE TO HELP YOU.
YOU SEE ( light laughter ) YOUR CAT IS SUFFERING FROM WHAT WE VETS|HAVEN'T FOUND A WORD FOR.
( laughter ) HIS CONDITION IS TYPIFIED|BY TOTAL PHYSICAL INERTIA-- ABSENCE OF INTEREST|IN ITS AMBIANCE-- WHAT WE VETS CALL "ENVIRONMENT.
" OH FAILURE TO RESPOND TO THE CONVENTIONAL|EXTERNAL STIMULI: A BALL OF STRING,|A NICE JUICY MOUSE, A BIRD.
TO BE BLUNT,|YOUR CAT IS IN A RUT.
( laughter ) IT'S THE OLD|STOCKBROKER SYNDROME THE SUBURBAN|FIN-DE-SIECLE ENNUI ANGST, WELTSCHMERTZ--|CALL IT WHAT YOU WILL.
MOPING.
IN A WAY, IN A WAY.
HMM, "MOPING,"|I MUST REMEMBER THAT.
NOW, WHAT'S TO BE DONE.
TELL ME, SIR, HAVE YOU|CONFUSED YOUR CAT RECENTLY? WELL, I SHH! NO.
YES, WELL I THINK I CAN DEFINITELY SAY THAT YOUR CAT BADLY NEEDS|TO BE CONFUSED.
WHAT? SHH! WHAT? CONFUSED-- TO SHAKE IT OUT|OF ITS STATE OF COMPLACENCY.
I'M AFRAID I'M NOT PERSONALLY|QUALIFIED TO CONFUSE CATS BUT I CAN RECOMMEND|AN EXTREMELY GOOD SERVICE.
HERE IS THEIR CARD.
OH, "CONFUSE-A-CAT.
" "CONFUSE-A-CAT, LIMITED.
" OH.
SQUAD!|EYES FRONT! STAND AT EASE! CAT CONFUSERS CONFUSERS HO! WELL, MEN,|WE'VE GOT A VERY DIFFICULT|CAT TO CONFUSE TODAY SO LET'S GET STRAIGHT|ON WITH IT, JOLLY GOOD.
THANK YOU, SERGEANT.
CONFUSERS! ATTEND TO THE VAN|AND FETCH OUT WAIT FOR IT! FETCH OUT|THE FUNNY THINGS! MOVE, MOVE,|MOVE, MOVE! ONE, TWO,|ONE, TWO GET THOSE|FUNNY THINGS OFF! ( clears throat ) RIGHT, GET|RID OF THAT! GET A MOVE ON,|MOVE IT.
ROUND ABOUT THIS WAY.
FURTHER BACK,|OVER THERE, LEAVE IT DOWN.
ONE, TWO, ONE, TWO.
CONFUSERS! FALL IN! STAGE READY FOR|CONFUSING, SIR! VERY GOOD.
CARRY ON, SERGEANT.
LEFT TURN! ( voice breaking ):|DOUBLE MARCH! RIGHT, MEN, CONFUSE THE CAT.
( drum roll and rim shot ) ( throaty guffawing ) MY LORDS,|LADIES AND GENTLEMEN ( jazzy drum solo playing ) ( drum solo ending ) I HOPE TO GOD|IT WORKS.
ANYWAY, WE SHALL KNOW|ANY MINUTE NOW.
OH, I CAN'T|BELIEVE IT! NEITHER CAN I.
IT'S JUST LIKE|THE OLD DAYS.
HE'S CURED.
OH, THANK YOU,|GENERAL.
WHAT CAN WE EVER|DO TO REPAY YOU? NO NEED TO, SIR.
IT'S ALL IN A DAY'S WORK FOR CONFUSE-A-CAT.
( applause ) ( old lady humming|"Some Enchanted Evening" ) ( man humming|"My Beautiful Balloon" ) HAVE YOU READ THIS, SIR? NO-- OH, YES, YES, YES.
ANYTHING TO DECLARE? YES-- NO! NO! NO, NO, NOTHING|TO DECLARE, NO.
NOTHING IN|MY SUITCASE, NO.
NO WATCHES,|CAMERAS, RADIO SETS? OH, YES,|FOUR WATCHES NO! NO! NO NO, ONE WATCH.
NO! NO, NOT|EVEN ONE WATCH.
NO WATCHES AT ALL.
NO, NO WATCHES|AT ALL.
NO PRECISION|WATCHES, NO.
WHICH COUNTRY HAVE YOU BEEN|VISITING, SIR? SWITZERLAND NO! NO,|NOT SWITZERLAND, HA! NOT SWITZERLAND.
IT BEGAN WITH "S"|BUT IT WASN'T SWITZERLAND.
OH, WHAT COULD IT BE? TERRIBLY BAD|MEMORY FOR NAMES.
UH WHAT'S THE NAME|OF THAT COUNTRY WHERE THEY DON'T|MAKE WATCHES AT ALL? ( laughter ) SPAIN? SPAIN! THAT'S IT.
SPAIN, YES, MMM.
THE LABEL SAYS "ZURICH," SIR.
YES, WELL|IT WAS SPAIN, THEN.
( laughter ) ZURICH'S IN SWITZERLAND, SIR.
SWITZERLAND,|YEAH, MMM, MMM SWITZERLAND.
YEAH, MM-HMM WHERE THEY|MAKE THE WATCHES.
AH! YEAH ( chuckling nervously ) ( humming ) OOH, NICE SHED|YOU'VE GOT HERE.
HAVE YOU GOT ANY|SWISS CURRENCY, SIR? NO, JUST THE WATCHES.
AH! JUST MY WATCH.
( laughter ) JUST MY WATCH, UH|MY WATCH ON THE CURRENCY.
I'VE KEPT A WATCH|ON THE CURRENCY AND I'VE WATCHED IT|AND I HAVEN'T GOT ANY.
THAT COME OUT|A BIT GLIB,|DIDN'T IT? ( alarm clock rings ) ( pounds again ) HAVE YOU GOT AN ALARM CLOCK|IN THERE, SIR? NO, NO, HEAVENS NO, NO.
JUST VESTS, HA! ( laughter ) ( alarm still ringing ) ( alarm stops ) SOUNDED A BIT LIKE|AN ALARM CLOCK GOING OFF.
WELL, IT CAN'T HAVE BEEN.
IT MUST HAVE BEEN A VEST UH GOING OFF.
GOING OFF.
( clocks chime ) ALL RIGHT! I CONFESS,|I'M A SMUGGLER.
THIS WHOLE CASE|IS CRAMMED FULL OF SWISS WATCHES|AND CLOCKS.
I'VE BEEN PURPOSELY|TRYING TO DECEIVE HER MAJESTY'S|CUSTOMS AND EXCISE.
I'VE BEEN|A BLOODY FOOL.
I DON'T BELIEVE YOU, SIR.
( laughter ) IT'S TRUE, I'M GUILTY|OF SMUGGLING.
DON'T GIVE|ME THAT, SIR.
YOU COULDN'T SMUGGLE|A PIECE OF GREASE-PROOFED PAPER LET ALONE A CASE|FULL OF WATCHES.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?! I'VE SMUGGLED WATCHES|BEFORE, YOU KNOW! I'VE SMUGGLED BOMBS,|CAMERAS, MICROFILMS,|AIRCRAFT COMPONENTS.
YOU NAME IT,|I'VE SMUGGLED IT.
NOW, MOVE ALONG, PLEASE.
YOU'RE WASTING OUR TIME,|MOVE ALONG, PLEASE.
LOOK! LOOK AT THIS.
LOOK, FOR ALL I KNOW, SIR, YOU|COULD'VE BOUGHT THESE IN LONDON BEFORE YOU EVER WENT TO SWITZERLAND.
I WOULDN'T BUY 2,000 CLOCKS! PEOPLE DO.
NOW CLOSE HER UP.
MOVE ALONG, PLEASE.
GO ON,|DON'T WASTE OUR TIME.
WE'RE OUT TO CATCH|THE REAL SMUGGLERS.
I AM A REAL|SMUGGLER! I'M A SMUGGLER,|EVERYBODY! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? I'M A SMUGGLER! I'M A LAWBREAKER!|I'M A SMUGGLER! POOR FELLOW,|I THINK HE NEEDS HELP.
RIGHT, CUT THE|WISECRACKS, VICAR.
GET TO THE SEARCH|ROOM AND STRIP.
( laughter ) WELL, TO DISCUSS|THE IMPLICATIONS OF THAT SKETCH AND TO CONSIDER|THE MORAL PROBLEMS RAISED BY THE LAW ENFORCEMENT|METHODS INVOLVED WE HAVE A DUCK,|A CAT AND A LIZARD.
NOW, FIRST OF ALL I'D LIKE TO PUT THIS QUESTION|TO YOU, PLEASE, LIZARD: HOW EFFECTIVE|DO YOU CONSIDER|THE LEGAL WEAPONS EMPLOYED BY LEGAL CUSTOMS|OFFICERS NOWADAYS? WELL, WHILE YOU'RE|THINKING ABOUT THAT I'D LIKE TO BRING|THE DUCK IN HERE AND ASK HER,|IF POSSIBLE TO CLARIFY THE WHOLE QUESTION|OF CURRENCY RESTRICTIONS AND CUSTOM REGULATIONS|IN THE WORLD TODAY.
PERHAPS THE CAT|WOULD RATHER ANSWER THAT? ( laughter ) NO? LIZARD? NO.
WELL, UH LET'S ASK THE MAN IN THE STREET|WHAT HE THINKS.
I AM NOT A MAN, YOU SILLY BILLY.
I'M NOT IN THE STREET,|YOU FAIRY! WELL, UH, SPEAKING|AS A MAN IN THE STREET ( screams ) WHAT WAS THE QUESTION AGAIN? Moderator:|JUST HOW RELEVANT ARE CONTEMPORARY|CUSTOMS REGULATIONS AND CURRENCY|RESTRICTIONS IN A MODERN, EXPANDING|INDUSTRIAL ECONOMY? OH, NEVER MIND.
WELL, I THINK CUSTOMS MEN|SHOULD BE ARMED SO THEY CAN KILL PEOPLE CARRYING|MORE THAN 200 CIGARETTES.
( ranting ):|WELL, I THINK THAT, UH|NOBODY WHO HAS GONE ABROAD SHOULD BE ALLOWED|BACK IN THE COUNTRY! I MEAN, UH BLIMEY! BLIMEY! IF THEY'RE NOT KEEN ENOUGH|TO STAY HERE WHEN THEY'RE HERE WHY SHOULD|WE ALLOW THEM BACK, HUH AT THE TAXPAYERS' EXPENSE? I MEAN, BE FAIR! I MEAN, I DON'T|EAT SQUIRRELS, DO I? I MEAN, WELL, PERHAPS I DO,|ONE OR TWO BUT THERE'S NO LAW|AGAINST THAT, IS THERE? IT'S A FREE COUNTRY! I MEAN, IF I WANT TO EAT|A SQUIRREL NOW AND AGAIN THAT'S MY OWN BUSINESS,|ISN'T IT? I MEAN, I'M NO RACIALIST! I OH ( groaning ) I THINK IT'S SILLY TO ASK|A LIZARD WHAT IT THINKS, ANYWAY.
Moderator:|WHY? I MEAN, THEY SHOULD HAVE|ASKED MARGARET DRABBLE.
WELL, I THINK CUSTOMS PEOPLE|ARE QUITE NECESSARY AND I THINK THEY'RE DOING|QUITE A GOOD JOB, REALLY.
CHECK.
( heavy thumping andpounding ) DOOR'S OPEN.
OH, YEAH.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,|ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
MY NAME'S POLICE|CONSTABLE HENRY THATCHER AND THIS IS A RAID.
I HAVE REASON TO BELIEVE THAT THERE ARE|CERTAIN SUBSTANCES ON THE PREMISES.
( constable sniffing ) WHAT SORT OF|SUBSTANCES, OFFICER? ER, CERTAIN SUBSTANCES.
WELL, WHAT SORT OF|CERTAIN SUBSTANCES? ER, CERTAIN SUBSTANCES|OF AN ILLICIT NATURE.
COULD YOU BE MORE SPECIFIC?? I BEG YOUR PARDON? COULD YOU BE CLEARER? OH, OH, YEAH.
CERTAIN SUBSTANCES|ON THE PREMISES TO BE REMOVED|FOR CLINICAL TESTS.
HAVE YOU GOT ANYTHING|PARTICULAR IN MIND? WELL, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT? NOTHING, OFFICER.
YOU ARE SANDY CAMP, THE ACTOR? YES.
I MUST WARN YOU, SIR THAT OUTSIDE I HAVE|POLICE DOG JOSEPHINE WHO IS NOT ONLY ARMED AND TRAINED TO SNIFF OUT|CERTAIN SUBSTANCES BUT IS ALSO A JUNKIE.
( laughter ) WHAT ARE YOU AFTER? OH! OH, OH! OH! OH, OH, OH! OH, OH OH! I'VE HERE IS|A BROWN PAPER BAG I HAVE FOUND|ON THE PREMISES.
I MUST CONFISCATE|THIS, SIR AND TAKE IT WITH ME|FOR CLINICAL EXAMINATION.
WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU JUST GOT THAT|OUT OF YOUR POCKET.
WHAT? WELL, WHAT'S|IN IT ANYWAY? SANDWICHES? SANDWICHES? BLIMEY! WHATEVER|DID I GIVE THE WIFE? Woman:|"DEAR BBC,|EAST GRIMSTEAD, FRIDAY "I FEEL I REALLY MUST WRITE|AND PROTEST ABOUT THAT SKETCH.
"MY HUSBAND, IN COMMON WITH A|LOT OF PEOPLE OF HIS AGE, IS 50.
"FOR HOW LONG ARE WE|TO PUT UP WITH THESE THINGS? YOURS SINCERELY,|E.
D.
DEBENHAM, MRS.
" Man:|"DEAR FREDDY GRISEWOOD,|BAGSHOT, SURREY.
"AS A PROLIFIC LETTER WRITER "I FEEL I MUST PROTEST|ABOUT THE PREVIOUS LETTER.
"I AM NEARLY 60|AND AM QUITE MAD.
"BUT I DO ENJOY LISTENING|TO THE BBC HOME SERVICE.
"IF THIS CONTINUES|TO GO ON UNABATED "DUNKIRK, DARK DAYS OF THE WAR,|BACKS TO THE WALL "ALVAR LIDDELL, BERLIN AIRLIFT,|MORAL UPHEAVAL OF PROFUMO CASE "YOUNG HIPPIES|ROAMING THE STREETS "RAPING, LOOTING AND KILLING.
YOURS, ETCETERA, BRIGADIER|ARTHUR GORMANSTROP, MRS.
" ( laughter ) WELL, I THINK THEY SHOULD|ATTACK THINGS LIKE THAT WITH SATIRE.
I MEAN, NED SHERRIN.
FAIR'S FAIR.
I THINK PEOPLE SHOULD BE ABLE TO|MAKE UP THEIR OWN MINDS FOR ME.
WELL, I THINK THEY SHOULD ATTACK THE FUDDY-DUDDY ATTITUDES|OF THE LOWER MIDDLE CLASSES WHICH PERMIT THE ESTABLISHMENT|TO SURVIVE AND KEEP THE MORES|OF THE WHOLE COUNTRY BACK WHERE THEY WERE|IN THE 19th CENTURY AND THE GHASTLY DAYS OF|THE PRESEXUAL REVOLUTION.
WELL, THAT'S,|ER, VERY INTERESTING BECAUSE, ER, I AM, IN FACT,|MADE ENTIRELY OF WOOD.
WELL, I THINK THEY SHOULD|ATTACK THE LOWER CLASSES FIRST WITH BOMBS AND ROCKETS,|DESTROYING THEIR HOMES AND THEN WHEN THEY RUN|HELPLESS INTO THE STREETS MOWING THEM DOWN|WITH MACHINE GUNS.
AND THEN, OF COURSE,|RELEASING THE VULTURES.
I KNOW THESE VIEWS|AREN'T POPULAR BUT I HAVE NEVER|COURTED POPULARITY.
I THINK THERE SHOULD|BE MORE RACE PREJUDICE.
LESS.
LESS RACE PREJUDICE.
AND SEVERAL BUTCHER'S APRONS.
IN FULHAM THIS MORNING,|A JEWELER'S SHOP WAS BROKEN INTO AND JEWELRY TO THE VALUE|OF &2,000 STOLEN.
POLICE HAVE ISSUED THIS PICTURE|OF A MAN THEY WISH TO INTERVIEW.
THE MAN IS IN HIS LATE 20s WEARING A GRAY SUIT,|A WHITE SHIRT AND A FLORAL TIE.
WILL ANYONE WHO SEES THIS MAN OR CAN GIVE ANY INFORMATION|ABOUT HIS WHEREABOUTS CONTACT THEIR NEAREST|POLICE STATION? AH OH, WE'VE JUST HEARD|THAT POLICE HAVE DETAINED THE MAN THEY WISHED TO INTERVIEW IN CONNECTION WITH|THE JEWEL ROBBERY.
BUT AFTER QUESTIONING POLICE HAVE RULED HIM|OUT OF THEIR INQUIRIES AND RELEASED HIM.
SPORT.
AH, THEY SAY, HOWEVER, THAT|ACTING ON HIS INFORMATION THEY NOW WISH TO INTERVIEW|A NEWSREADER IN THE CENTRAL LONDON AREA.
POLICE ARE CONCENTRATING|THEIR INQUIRIES ON THE BRITISH BROADCASTING|ASSOCI EXCUSE ME A MINUTE.
WE UNDERSTAND A MAN|IS NOW HELPING POLICE WITH THEIR INQUIRIES.
AND THAT IS THE END OF THE NEWS.
AND NOW, "MATCH OF THE DAY.
" ( newsreel musicplays ) ( car engine revving ) ( quick footsteps ) UH, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.
IT'S NOT, IN FACT,|"MATCH OF THE DAY.
" IT IS, IN FACT,|EDITED HIGHLIGHTS OF TONIGHT'S ROMANTIC MOVIE.
UH SORRY.
OOH! I'M SORRY.
ON BBC2, JOAN BAKEWELL WILL|BE TALKING TO MICHAEL DEAN ABOUT WHAT MAKES|EXCITING TELEVISION.
AH, SORRY ABOUT ALL THAT.
AND NOW,|BACK TO THE MOVIE.
OH, BEVIS.
OH, DARLING.
OH, SHOULD WE? WHY NOT? OH! BE GENTLE WITH ME.
( laughter ) OH, BEVIS, ARE YOU|GOING TO DO ANYTHING OR ARE YOU JUST|GOING TO SHOW ME|FILMS ALL EVENING? JUST ONE MORE, DEAR.
OH! ( Hawaiian musicplaying ) ( makes a raspberry ) WHOA! CHARLES ATLAS! WITH THE WORLD'S MOST|PERFECTLY DEVELOPED BODY.
TIRED OF BEING PUSHED AROUND? WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO|SOME PUSHING AROUND INSTEAD? WOULD YOU LIKE A BODY THAT|CAN'T FAIL TO ATTRACT WOMEN? ( women squealing ) A BODY THAT IS THE ENVY|OF OTHER MEN? OH, I MUST GET|ONE OF THOSE.
THEN LET ME HAVE YOUR SKINNY,|SCRAWNY LITTLE BODY FOR JUST 15 MINUTES A DAY.
I'VE HEARD THAT ONE|BEFORE, DUCKY.
LET ME SLAP 50 POUNDS|OF HE-MAN MUSCLES ON YOU.
THICK, HERCULEAN ARMS A DEEP, MASSIVE CHEST ATOMIC-POWERED LEGS,|SHOULDERS A YARD WIDE AND RIGHT IN THE PRIVACY|OF YOUR OWN HOME.
( laughter ) WHAT'S MY SECRET? IT'S DYNAMO TENSION.
MUSCLES PULLING AGAINST MUSCLES,|THE NATURAL WAY.
( groans ) HERE'S LIVING PROOF.
AND THERE'S NO NEED|TO STOP THERE.
( inhaling repeatedly ) SO DON'T DELAY.
SEND TODAY FOR MY GIGANTIC, FREE,|78-PAGE MUSCLE-BUILDING COURSE.
( knock at door ) POSTMAN.
AND START BUILDING A BODY|YOU CAN BE PROUD OF.
( clicking quickly ) ( Hawaiian musicplays ) ( gulps ) ( giggling ) YOU KNOW, I REALLY ENJOY|INTERVIEWING APPLICANTS FOR THIS MANAGEMENT|TRAINING COURSE.
( knock at door ) COME IN.
AH, COME AND SIT DOWN.
THANK YOU.
( clears throat ) WOULD YOU MIND|JUST STANDING UP AGAIN FOR ONE MOMENT? TAKE A SEAT.
I'M SORRY? TAKE A SEAT.
YES.
AH! GOOD MORNING.
GOOD MORNING.
GOOD MORNING.
GOOD MORNING.
( laughter ) TELL ME, WHY DO YOU|SAY "GOOD MORNING" WHEN YOU KNOW PERFECTLY|WELL IT'S AFTERNOON? WELL, YOU SAID "GOOD MORNING.
" ( chuckles ) GOOD AFTERNOON.
GOOD AFTERNOON.
OH, DEAR.
( laughter ) GOOD EVENING.
GOOD-BYE? ( laughs ) ( laughing ) NO.
( laughter ) AREN'T YOU|GOING TO ASK ME WHY I RANG THE BELL? ER, WHY DID YOU|RING THE BELL? WHY DO YOU THINK|I RANG THE BELL? ( shouting ):|FIVE, FOUR THREE, TWO ONE, ZERO! WELL, I, I TOO LATE! ( laughter )
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT? WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
DO YOU SAY IT|BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T KNOW? WELL, I|I DON'T KNOW.
FIVE! FOUR, THREE,|TWO, ONE, ZERO! RIGHT.
( clears throat ) ( gurgling ) I'M SORRY, I'M CONFUSED.
WELL, WHY DID YOU THINK|I DID THAT THEN? WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
AREN'T YOU CURIOUS? WELL, YES.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU ASK ME? NAME? WHAT? YOUR NAME, PLEASE! UM, ER, DAVID.
DAVID.
SURE? OH, YES.
DAVID SHAW.
NO, NO-- THOMAS.
THOMAS SHAW? NO, NO-- DAVID THOMAS.
WELL, DO SOMETHING.
DO IT AGAIN.
( squawks ) VERY GOOD INDEED.
QUITE OUTSTANDING.
AH, RIGHT, READY NOW.
RIGHT, ONCE MORE.
WELL, I DON'T CARE.
I WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON! I THINK YOU'RE DELIBERATELY|TRYING TO HUMILIATE PEOPLE AND I'M GOING|STRAIGHT OUT OF HERE AND I'M GOING|TO TELL THE POLICE EXACTLY WHAT|YOU DO TO PEOPLE AND THEY'RE GOING|TO MAKE BLOODY SURE THAT YOU NEVER|DO IT AGAIN.
THERE, WHAT DO|YOU THINK OF THAT?! WHAT DO YOU|THINK OF THAT? VERY GOOD MARKS.
OH, OH WELL,|DO I GET THE JOB? ER, WELL, I'M AFRAID NOT.
I'M AFRAID ALL THE VACANCIES|WERE FILLED SEVERAL WEEKS AGO.
( all laughing uproariously ) HMM.
WELL, THAT WAS ALL GOOD FUN AND WE ALL HAD|A JOLLY GOOD LAUGH.
( laughter ) BUT I WOULD LIKE TO ASSURE YOU THAT YOU'D NEVER|BE TREATED LIKE THAT IF YOU HAD AN INTERVIEW HERE|AT THE CAREERS ADVISORY BOARD.
PERHAPS I SHOULD|INTRODUCE MYSELF.
I AM THE HEAD OF THE|CAREERS ADVISORY BOARD.
I WANTED TO BE A DOCTOR,|BUT THERE WE ARE.
I'M HEAD OF|THE CAREERS ADVISORY BOARD.
OR A SCULPTOR--|SOMETHING ARTISTIC.
OR AN ENGINEER,|WITH ALL THOSE DAMS BUT THERE WE ARE, IT'S NO|USE CRYING OVER SPILT MILK.
THE FACTS ARE THERE|AND THAT'S THAT.
I'M THE HEAD|OF THIS LOUSY BOARD.
( sobbing ) NEVER MIND.
( laughter ) NOW, I WONDER IF YOU'VE|EVER CONSIDERED WHAT A VERY PROFITABLE|LINE OF WORK THIS MAN IS IN.
BURGLAR! BURGLAR! YES? BURGLAR, MADAM.
WHAT DO YOU WANT? I WANT TO COME IN|AND STEAL A FEW THINGS, MADAM.
ARE YOU|AN ENCYCLOPEDIA SALESMAN? NO, MADAM,|I'M A BURGLAR.
I BURGLE PEOPLE.
I THINK YOU'RE|AN ENCYCLOPEDIA SALESMAN.
OH, I'M NOT,|OPEN THE DOOR.
LET ME IN, PLEASE.
IF I LET YOU IN,|YOU'LL SELL ME|ENCYCLOPEDIAS.
I WON'T, MADAM.
I JUST WANT TO COME IN,|RANSACK THE FLAT HONESTLY.
PROMISE? NO ENCYCLOPEDIAS? NONE AT ALL.
ALL RIGHT.
YOU'D BETTER COME IN, THEN.
MIND YOU,|I DON'T KNOW WHETHER YOU'VE EVER|REALLY CONSIDERED THE ADVANTAGES OF OWNING|A REALLY FINE SET OF MODERN ENCYCLOPEDIAS.
YOU KNOW, THEY CAN DO|YOU REALLY WONDERS.
THAT MAN WAS A SUCCESSFUL|ENCYCLOPEDIA SALESMAN.
BUT NOT ALL ENCYCLOPEDIA|SALESMEN ARE SUCCESSFUL.
HERE IS AN UNSUCCESSFUL|ENCYCLOPEDIA SALESMAN.
( drum roll ) ( laughter ) NOW HERE ARE TWO UNSUCCESSFUL|ENCYCLOPEDIA SALESMEN.
( drum roll ) I THINK THERE'S A LESSON THERE|FOR ALL OF US.
and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS Captioned by|The Caption Center|WGBH EducationaL Foundation.]
( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March"|playing ) ( music ends )