Mount Pleasant (2011) s01e05 Episode Script

I'm dead horny.
It's half ten in the morning.
Meet Alan.
Say hello to Alan, everybody.
Hello.
Hiya.
Did you invite her? What's the problem? You need to sort your head out.
Don't fuck with her.
It's just a giggle.
You'd better go.
It's only like that time I bumped into you and Jack having your intimate little night out.
It wasn't intimate.
Fancy a fry-up? My shout.
Already eaten, mate.
Coffee, then? Gives me a headache.
Alright, pussy, mug of tea.
Look, I'm sorry I asked you to lend me the money.
I've sorted it.
Bank later.
I'm going straight.
Heard that before.
I won't ask you to lend me a penny ever again.
Come on.
Let me buy you a brew.
Morning! Hi, Mum.
I'm having a go at your skirting boards today.
Ooh, rock and roll.
Where's Dad? Power walking.
It's a new phase.
He was up at half six, going skating at ten.
He's on a mission.
Dr Phillips told him he had to lose a few pounds.
There's nothing of him.
Ooh, that's debatable! He hasn't seen his feet since we went to Diana's funeral.
Have a lovely day, sweetpea.
See you, Mum.
Bye.
Hi.
Ha.
.
Jack.
Hi.
Hi, Lisa.
Hi.
We should do it together, you and me some time.
We should, Bianca.
Shouldn't we? Definitely.
You and me, do it.
Next time Jim nips to the garden centre, eh? Wish me luck.
I could do with a slash.
Watch it, pal! Hey! You OK? He's got me phone! Little shit! I'll call the police.
No, really, no need.
It's gone, isn't it? Are you OK? Did he hurt you? No.
I'm fine.
Sit there.
I'll make you a brew.
I know, I know, she's late again.
I can cope with the lateness, not the fact that she's knocking off you-know-who.
Seriously, no point dwelling on it.
She'll make her own mistakes.
Talking of you-know-who, he asked me to do the presentation for the AGM.
Wow, that's fantastic.
I know.
Can you nip out I want it to look snazzy get me some of those nice markers and pink folders? Course.
Thank you.
You re-define the words "on the ball", you do, Lisa.
And you re-define the words "go your bleeding self for once.
" Pauline! Pauline! - Right, missus.
- Just step over this way, please! Let go of my arm! I said, let go of my arm, you big shit! Can you let go of her arm, please? That's violation of human rights! Do you know what human rights are, mister? Enough, Pauline! Sorry.
Where's your manager? Pauline, will you just pipe down, will you? What's the problem, sir? Here is your problem, madam! Do you know this lady? She's my mother-in-law.
You're welcome to accompany her.
We have to go into the office whilst I call the police.
Police? Christ on a bike, not the police.
I didn't nick them.
I didn't, Lisa.
I just forgot to pay for them.
I'm so sorry, I really am.
It happened to me in the chemist's the other day.
I walked out with a loofah.
Who'd nick a fuckin' loofah? They only cost a couple of quid! The chemist was very understanding.
He's the one that told me to go to the doctor's.
The doctor's? Yeah.
I thought it was just tiredness.
Pauline Please tell me what's wrong, love.
They think it's Alzheimer's.
Early stages.
I'll get Dan to come and get us.
No! No, not Dan, please.
Please, I don't want him to know.
I couldn't stand giving him the worry.
I'll try me mum and dad.
They'll give us a lift.
Don't worry, love, I'll sort it.
"And that one goes out to Paddy.
" "He wants to say hello to his wife Carol.
" "He's asked us to read this out.
" "'Come back, Carol, please.
I can't even fry an egg.
'" "So we've got last night's lottery numbers here.
" "And it's a 3, and 47.
" My God.
"Those numbers again.
3, 17" My My God.
Barry! Barry! Barry! Answer your bloody phone! Come on! "I'm sorry to say that Barry has been kidnapped by the Taliban.
" Pillock! "Hi, this is Sue.
Please leave a message.
" I asked my mother if she wanted to join me but she's no good in confined spaces.
So, if she wanted to use the toilet in mid-flight, we'd be in a bit of a pickle.
You're lovely inviting your mam.
That goes beyond the call of duty.
Did you hear that? Simon invited his mam to go away with him.
Really? We're talking holidays.
Amongst other things.
I can't get hold of anyone.
We'll have to get a cab.
Your neighbour might give us a lift, the good-looking one.
Jack? Shame he bats for the other side.
Immaculate nails, dead giveaway.
I can't mither Jack.
He'll be at work.
Course you can.
Tell him it's an emergency.
That's what neighbours are for.
Where were we? Turkey.
That's right.
Dan didn't like Turkey.
They don't wash the lettuce or use loo roll.
Not a good combo, that, if you think about it.
You said there could be a way of reworking the application.
Without your wife's payslips, it's not possible.
She won't be my wife for much longer without this loan, do you understand that, woman? Have you ever been to Fuengirola? Now that's what I call a holiday.
Sunset Palace on the main drag.
They've got two pools.
Two pools! And not a German in sight.
And your address, Pauline? She's staying with me.
No, I'm not.
You've forgotten, haven't you? Have I buggery! Yes, she has.
Put mine down.
Thank you.
You need a break for a few days.
We'll look after you.
You're not going to prosecute me? All I can do is run it by my boss, missus, understand? Look, I'm sure my boss will, when I give him the lowdown.
With me? Right with you, kid.
Any chance of a brew? I've got a mouth like a badger's arse.
Pauline! You have no idea how glad I am to see you.
Louise? Alright, gorgeous? Brilliant, yeah.
Wait outside the station.
I can't wait either.
Louise, just a sec.
OK? Yes.
Totally.
Sorry.
Thanks.
Five minutes.
Yoo-hoo! Any ideas for Jim's birthday, Lisa? Jim? Who's Jim? Bianca's husband.
Yeah.
Your fella.
The effeminate one.
Hangs out in that stupid shed all day.
Excuse me, my Jim's not effeminate.
Sorry, Bianca.
She's not well.
Honest.
Hi, love.
It's your birthday, cock.
Not mine.
I want you to do anything you like.
Before I forget, there's a new Japanese film on at the Cornerhouse.
I checked the listings.
Right up your street.
Fancy it? Do you remember when we went to see Four Weddings in Stockport all those years ago? All those people sat right near us.
And they couldn't even see where my hand was.
You're late.
You're not my boss.
I don't feel very well.
That old chestnut.
Actually, Talia, I mean I really don't feel very well.
You think I've got a solution? I don't know.
Have you? Clever muggers.
University educated.
Often seen wearing white coats? Doctors! That's what they call 'em.
There's your solution.
We need to talk.
This is the third time you've been late this week.
Fergus, hi! Fix us some coffee, will you? Hasta manana.
You really expect me to be able to put up with that? What? You think it's OK for him to talk to you like that? In French? I quite like it.
I need to speak to him.
One sec.
Promise.
I really need to talk to you.
I just need to ask you something.
Not here, obviously.
It's important.
For God's sake, haven't you got any work to do?! Envelopes to stuff, stamps to lick?! I'm taking an early lunch, Shelley! Denise, you've only just come in.
Fergus? What? I'm worried.
About what? Denise, obviously.
Go on.
She's been late three times this week, taking early lunches, going home with headaches.
She's distracted.
What's it to do with me? I'm finding it difficult to stand by and watch her be destroyed.
Noble, but you're her boss, not a social worker.
I'm finding it difficult to stand here and watch you in that skirt.
With those pins Borderline criminal.
Excuse me? Bit of advice.
Trouser suit tomorrow if you can.
We don't want a CEO with a thrombo before you've shown him your mettle.
Now, Bellamy stats.
Are we ready? Come on, chop chop! Mum! Is it Thursday already? Don't tell me it's Thursday.
No, it isn't.
I haven't come to take you for an ice cream, I've come to talk to you about something.
Here? If that's OK.
What? It's your father.
What? God.
Just tell me straight.
How long has he got? He isn't dying, treasure, he's He's having an affair.
Dad? An affair? I saw him.
Another woman at the ice rink.
You've seen wrong.
He was holding her hand.
It's my hand he holds when he's skating.
I saw it in his eyes, Lisa.
I know your father and I know I might have lost him.
Mum Stop it.
Just go and talk to him.
I'm not sure that I can.
Nip out and get some nice new bits.
New lippy, blusher.
Take him for a meat feast, and tell him to explain.
Like you did when you thought he was falling for Gloria Hartley.
Remember? The sausages.
I'm ready for it.
If she kicks me out, it's my own stupid fault.
You know what? What? I don't blame her.
Confession time.
I'm a doomed man.
Get us another pint in, will you? It's like being shot at dawn, this.
I've run you a bath.
Very kind of you.
Hiya, son.
Where've you been? What's she doing here? Hello to you too.
I've been trying to call you? My phone's been nicked.
Who nicked it? Some scrote.
Go and have your bath.
I said she can stay for a few days.
What?! I bumped into her in town.
She's not well, Dan.
She's been to see a doctor.
She keeps forgetting stuff.
Confusion.
It's terrible, isn't it? The thought of you two under the same roof for more than half an hour is.
That's not the half of it.
My mum comes to see me at work today and she's upset.
She saw my dad with another woman at the ice rink.
What? Don't laugh.
She was upset.
I'm sorry.
But Barry? Another woman? That's what I said.
She does overreact sometimes.
Family trait.
It's not funny, Dan.
Me dad's blood pressure is through the roof as well.
Think about it.
We're all they've got.
We're going to have to look after them when they get proper ancient.
Not for more than two days.
They'll be going in a home.
Don't be tight.
We can't put them in a home.
My dad would hate it.
Barry? He'd love it.
All that fussing over by a couple of fit nurses.
Are you for real? It was a joke.
And anyway, since when have you thought nurses were fit? What? Answer the question.
Nurses.
Fit.
Well, not all of them, obviously.
Put the knife down.
But some are, are they? Well, yeah.
It's like everything, isn't it? You get ugly ones, you get fit ones.
Men like nurses.
Get over it.
Really? Really.
Anyway, you'd make a good nurse.
I'll let you fiddle with my privates any time.
There we are.
Sue? You OK, Sue? You look like you've been crying.
No.
No.
I won't tell anyone if you have.
Sometimes you need to sit on your own, don't you, and have a cry? I've been crying too.
Have you, flossy.
Why? Nothing really.
Adults' problems.
Just life stuff.
Nothing major.
I mean, no one's died and we don't live in Iraq, do we? I'm not even sure if it's a definite yet.
Does he know? What? Fergus.
Have you done a test? No.
Not yet.
Well, that's the first thing you should do, tilly bud.
Would you like me to come to the chemist's with you? Buy a little test? See for sure? Would you? Really? Your bag, please, madam.
Thank you very much.
Wow.
This is it.
Huh? Pretty nice.
This is the last time I fuck up, I swear to you, Shelley.
I'll go to Gamblers Anonymous, Shell.
Name the time and place, I will be there.
Bad timing, pal.
I've got an idea.
What? "The loan.
" Unofficial, like, but kosher.
"Can you be in Sharston by 10am tomorrow?" OK, yeah, cool.
I'll call you later, yeah? I've had the worst day ever.
Babes Half of me staff buggered off and left me.
Fergus is being a tosser.
Two of me nails broke.
I got a parking ticket for going two minutes over on the pay and display.
And I weighed myself at the gym and I've put on a bloody pound.
Glass of wine? God, yeah.
Curry? Foot massage? Definitely.
Bit of rumpy-pumpy? You are the best husband to me in the whole world, aren't you, babes? Come on, get your kit off.
It's amazing, isn't it, how much ketchup there is in the world? I mean, every restaurant you go to always has ketchup, doesn't it? And everyone has it at home, don't they? I'm sorry.
I'm nervous.
I need to talk to you, Fergus.
It's serious.
I'm all ears, sweet cheeks.
I'm pregnant.
OK.
I see.
And how do you feel about it? Well I don't think you should go goal end, you know, when I give birth.
Most men never want sex after they've done that.
My mum said it was like a train wreck when she'd had me.
Fergus? Don't worry, sweet cheeks.
I'm here to look after you every step of the way.
As always.
Well, Mr Johnson, Dr Phillips says you've been having trouble in the groin area.
Nurse Lisa wants to take a little look.
Pauline! What are you doing? Isn't this the spare room? No.
It is not the spare room.
That's a nice nightie.
What is it? Polyester? Don't say a fucking word.
I'm sure I was in the back bedroom.
I want to die.
I want a great big alien to come through that window and take me away and never bring me fucking back.
She'll forget about it by breakfast.
No, she won't.
Yes, she will.
God, you look fit! Come here.
Serious lob on.
I don't think so somehow! Like I'm in the mood after all that.
I feel a right twat.
Where's me 'jamas? Hi.
You Greg? Yeah.
Emma? That's me.
Lovely to meet you, Greg.
Likewise.
Cuppa? Be rude not to.
Thanks.
Are you alright? Yeah, thanks.
You don't look alright.
It's just home, you know.
Taking a bit of time to come to terms with it, that's all.
Come to terms with your home, Lisa? But it's lovely.
What's there to come to terms with? Not that.
Pauline losing her mind.
Maybe it's something in the water.
We want to get an appointment with the GP.
Dan wants to talk it through He said it might not be as bad as we think.
True.
We thought my nana had gone cuckoo for years but she didn't actually lose the plot till last May.
Really? She's in a home now.
Bless her.
Hey, she has a great time.
She's got to wear a nappy and she watches Charlie and Lola all day but she's still got her dignity and that's all that counts.
It's weird, in't it, life? To think we're born useless, and we all end up useless.
And some of us are just useless all the way through.
Lisa, can you print me off the Bellamy receipts, please? Am I glad to see you! Really? I've got some fantastic news.
What? I've spoken with a clinic.
City centre, the full works.
You can stay overnight if you feel a bit wobbly.
It's expensive but it's worth it.
Well, YOU'RE worth it.
And when it's all over, we can clear off for a couple of days, just you and me.
Clinic? Yeah, babes, you know.
For the abortion.
What abortion? Who said anything about an abortion? This is our baby, Fergus.
I'm its mummy.
YOUR baby, Denise.
OUR baby.
No.
YOUR baby.
Not ours.
Now, I'm sorry, I'm busy, so I'll make this really clear, shall I? Get rid of it, sugar tits.
Or I'll be getting rid of you.
What is it? Nothing to concern you.
She concerns me.
What have you done? It's none of your business.
I suggest you zip it, Shelley.
Or what? Or I take the presentation.
You can't! That's all my work! Little lesson for you.
The word "hysteria" comes from the French for "womb".
Did you know that, Shelley? It's Greek, you prick! I can't do this any more.
Come on! She is practically a kid.
You'll scar her for life! She knows what she's doing.
She doesn't.
You're the one that knows what you're doing! Glad to take a back-handed compliment from senior staff.
I am being serious.
I can't handle this any more.
I can't just stand by and let this happen.
You're sick.
And you can stuff your job up your arse, Fergus.
I'm done! Hey, Lisa.
Yeah? I'd be grateful if you could help me with this meeting in ten minutes.
With the CEO? Correct.
Me? Nifty chance to show 'em what YOU are really made of.
What do you think? You stick to the payment arrangements and there won't be any hassle.
It's as straightforward as you want it to be.
The wife? Bet she doesn't know you're here.
They never do.
I'm not married.
Course you're not.
Good-looking lad like you.
Like I said, stick to it, no hassle.
Dead simple.
What's this? I got it while you were looking at toothpaste.
Urgh! How many rabbits have been blinded to make it smell like that? Call yourself an animal lover! Sue, are you OK, love? Why wouldn't I be OK? You've been very jumpy these past two days.
No, I haven't.
Yes, you have.
You bit my head off cos I missed the first ten minutes of The One Show.
You never miss The One Show! Bad traffic? Like hell, Barry! You were with her, weren't you? Pardon? Why would you care about what your hair smells like? You never care! Does SHE like it to smell of cherries, eh? What? You picked the wrong time to cheat on me, sunshine.
Sue? Sue! Thanks.
See you.
It's OK.
David! How are you? Good, thanks.
Here.
They've been back in touch.
Who have? The police.
What now? They've requested extra toxicology reports on Martin's blood.
If they're keeping it from me, they must think something.
They're trying to protect you.
From what exactly? They think I did it, don't they? They haven't said that.
But they think it, they must do.
God, what am I gonna do? Don't worry.
It's just an investigation.
It'll pass.
How are your mum and dad taking it? Not the best.
They're upset you've not been in touch, Kate.
It's been so hard.
They kept telling me to move on.
Everyone says, "Try and move on.
" I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have mentioned it.
Look, I'm sorry.
I I've met someone else, David.
Well, that's good, isn't it? What's his name? Is it anybody I know? No.
It's a bit difficult.
He's just got out of a bad marriage.
I understand.
He's called Dan.
He's moving in with me once his divorce is all through.
Perhaps you'd like to come over.
We could all have dinner together.
How about that? Hello.
Hello.
How are you? This is my husband.
This is Simon.
He's a security guard.
Mind if I show you something? She's got some brass neck has your mother.
I thought she'd curbed it.
I'm afraid it's going to have to be a lifetime ban from the store.
I can't believe you didn't tell me.
She made me promise.
All these years you've known she was a tea leaf and you never told me! Not something you want to shout about.
She started crying.
I felt sorry for her.
I'm gonna throttle her when she gets in.
I don't blame you, Barry.
She's She's very beautiful.
And obviously very rich.
I mean, those skates They're immaculate.
You're barking up the wrong alley, my love.
It were only Bridie Wilcox.
Her husband were watching us.
If you'd have come in properly you could've sat down and had a natter.
He's broke his ankle.
She just needed somebody to practise with.
They're training for the over-50s free skating championship in Southport in March.
That's all.
Really? Cross me heart and hope to die.
Don't ever leave me, Barry.
Promise me you'll never leave me.
Why would I leave you, you daft bugger? You're my life, you are.
And you know it, don't you? Bingo.
We've bloody well not? We bloody well have.
How much? What? 170 quid.
Come here! Me and you are going shopping.
I'm sorry.
What's happened? I'm glad you sorted the bank out cos we're gonna need our savings.
What? I've walked.
I've resigned.
I can't do it any more.
I need to refocus.
Um, I'm gonna go get in the shower and we'll talk it through when I've got my head straight, OK? Ooh.
Has the Pope snuffed it or summat? Sit down, Mum.
What's going on? Please, Pauline, just park your arse, will you? Ooh.
We've, um We've been for a meeting with social services.
You what? They don't think it's a good idea that you should go home.
You need proper care.
They've spoken with our GP and he reckons it's a faster decline than you think.
You're in denial, Pauline.
We want to help, Mum.
Fair enough.
But you'll have to change the curtains in the bedroom or get a blind.
I mean, I can do crack of dawn for a couple of days but more than a week is taking the piss.
Mum You're not stopping here.
They've got you a room sorted.
Over in Withington.
Withington? Nice little care home.
Nut house, you mean? It's only 20 minutes in the car.
We'll come over at weekends.
There's a smashing little garden.
You're allowed in it with supervision.
They'll be here to get you in ten minutes.
To get me? Well, we're not allowed to take you.
They've got a special vehicle.
Health and safety, Pauline.
It's a minefield.
And don't go kicking up a fuss, Mum.
You don't want Bianca seeing you being publicly sedated.
I don't need a home! I'm perfectly normal, you idiots! God, kids! I thought you two had a bit more up top.
Can't you see when someone's taking you for a ride? What? I think you're the one being taken for a ride, Pauline.
What? You pair of shits.
What d'you think you're playing at?! We've had a visit from your mate Simon.
The security guard.
Pack your bags, Pauline.
Dementia, my arse.
Happy birthday, cock.
It's the latest model.
Fella in the shop said they're getting three more before Christmas, so you'll have the whole set by then, all being well.
You're wonderful.
Don't be daft.
In fact, you're absolutely bloody marvellous.
I'm sorry.
No, you're not.
You're still welcome on Boxing Day, the pair of you.
Auntie Ursula is doing a salmon and broccoli quiche.
Ta-da.
Fancy a pint? Ooh-ooh.
Hi.
I'm just nipping to the loo.
Hello.
Hi.
Dan's over there.
Come and join us, you and your girlfriend.
Louise? She's very beautiful.
One of my exes, actually.
You'd like her.
She's good fun.
We get together every now and again, just a couple of drinks.
Probably end up getting pissed and shagging.
I know the score.
If that's OK with you.
Can I be forward? You have no idea how many times I've dreamed you'd say that.
I might be wrong but don't waste too much energy on a woman who's scared to commit.
Can I be forward too? You're not jealous, are you? You were jealous when you saw her with me.
Cos I am when I see you with Dan.
I saw you looking over.
You saw me go to the gents.
You followed me.
No, of course I didn't.
Look me in the eye and tell me you weren't jealous.
Lisa, I'm sorry.
I've had too much wine.
I'm sorry.
Let's get pissed.
Fuck it.
Stop! What? When? What's up? Have you called the police? We're finished.
I need to talk to you.
They've taken our wedding photo.
Hiya, Greg.
Can you come and see me? You didn't invite me here to talk about seating arrangements? What do you think of me? You're great.
He wants me, Lisa.
Wants you? I'm actually married.
So am I.
You've been talking about me.
I can't stop talking about you.
We should do it together.
Properly, Denise.
You and me.