Mr Bigstuff (2024) s01e05 Episode Script

1
The following program me contains
strong language and adult humour.
I borrowed some money
off some naughty people.
Gotta lie low for a
bit. It's nothing.
We're gonna have to find
this brother of his.
I don't have many strong
male friendships
But it feels like
that's changing.
Bye, love! See you
later. Dance class, yeah?
Cause I've only lumped you half
my life savings for your wedding.
I hope you're not gonna take my cash
and fuck off to Marbella, ey Lee?
Do you not fancy me anymore?
I think you might wanna talk
to Kirsty about her suspension.
Do you ever feel like you're
the worst person in the world?
Right, well,
that's erm Yeah.
Thanks for Yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bye. See you later.
Me Gustaria
Ensenar Al Mundo a Cantar ♪
Hi love. AH, FUCK!
Erm, you're- We
closed early, so
Oh.
Left your bag in the car.
Lee?
Erm, I er, er, he
Saw her. On the street.
Yeah.
Picked her up, dropped
her off. Right.
Right. But, hang on-
Buenasera mi amoressss!
How we feeling up in here?!
Scuse lateness! She
is run off her feet.
This is my lunch,
would you believe?
Right, are we ready?!
Midweek warmup in 5,6,7,8 and
Are we staying sir?
They need to get
used to an audience.
Show a bit of support! Come on!
You know you want to!
Great! Now positive vibes only
inside the space is all I ask.
Also £2 donation for spectators.
Pop it in the tub.
6, 7, 8 and come on
Ooh and move your hips!
Bitch! Why are you
screening my calls?
What if I was on
fire or some shit?
Anyway, listen
Y'know you said 'Don't tell
anyone about your brother' yeah?
Well, see, thing
is
Don't 'tut' me, sweat patch!
Get some deodorant,
have some self-respect!
Stinky prick!
So, there was this
bloke, right
So How was work?
Oh, yeah, y'know, just usual.
And here we go! And
Ladies and gentlemen,
please, welcome to the floor,
the new Mr and Mrs Campbell
with The Lambada!
Sweet Child O' Mine ♪
Love it! Yes, yes.
Lead, Glen!
Come on! From the
hips! The hips!
Thing about the
lambada, see? Dominance.
Right, if he can't lead, I'm
sorry, the whole thing goes to-
Ah, shit.
I think I-I've scratched
I've scratched the cornea. Glen!
Just pull it away! Be careful,
be careful! Be careful!
There. You're free. Argh!
I've, I've, I've got some
erm, eye drops in my bag
Very brittle hair, haven't ya?
You wanna sort that, darling?
It's your iron, love,
you're deficient.
I'll just, er, won't be a sec
Not so fast, Mr Spectator!
Let's see what you got, ey?
Oh, no, let's not.
I won't expect footwork, just wheel
her about while she runs the choreo!
No. No, you're alright.
I won't take no for an answer!
You might have to, my darling.
Ah! He's not got what it takes
for Latin. Heavy tread, y'see?
You fucking what?
No, no! It's fine.
I can't expect you to be
able to lead. I'm able.
Canning Town Break
Dance Champion 1999.
That shit stays with you.
I mean, I don't think you
should- Come here, now!
5, 6, 7, 8, let's go!
Love it!
Ooh, hello!
Oh. It's great to have
someone finally lead, eh?!
I just thought you should know,
man's a proper dodgy geezer, innit.
6, 7, 8
Stealing my lady, is it?
Right, well I'm going.
If I can make it.
What with me heavy treads.
Lee, Lee, mate, wait erm
Glen, you need to go and
dance with your fiancee.
Oh, Lee!
Er, listen, weird question but
you don't know any scary
Irish blokes, do you?
Something about a
rabbit tattoo or
What?
Oh, no, forget it.
No, it's just Aysha at work
being weird. See you later.
Ok, let's go! And 5, 6, 7, 8
Noir C'est Noir ♪
Oh, couldn't sleep?
Nah. No, me neither.
I've just been
doing a deep clean.
I just do it with
the lights off,
it's just a bit more
sort of mindful.
Erm listen, Lee.
I was just thinking that, erm
maybe, you could find erm
find somewhere else to stay.
Oh.
Because everything was fine
like, we were fine.
And now, I dunno-
Yeah. Alright.
What?
Nothing.
I'll go.
Right. Right.
Oh god, oh no
Ohhhhh Yeah, yeah.
I'm so sorry.
It's just the boys, they hang
a little bit lower nowadays-
Yes, no, I can see that. Yeah
Anyway, shut the fridge,
Kirst. Save the planet.
I think I'm just gonna
go and get some sleep.
Night, night.
Yeah. Night, night.
Busy day at work today,
do you reckon, love?
Yeah. I've got loads on.
I know, love
about your job
And to be honest, love, I'm a
I'm a bit scared
Cause like you know,
you're always telling me
about work, about your day,
about how Liz from Accounts
has had a blonde bob done
and how she looks
the spit of He-man.
And you know
if you can lie to me
about all that then
what else might you be
lying about, y'know?
What?
What? What is it?
I know, Kirst.
I found out.
I'm so sorry. I don't
know how it happened.
I know that's your brother,
it's just
You'll have to spit that out love,
I can't tell a word you're saying.
Listen, I'll go downstairs,
I'll put the kettle on.
And then, I need you
to tell me everything.
Ok. Alright.
Like why they suspended
you in the first place.
You Don't Own Me ♪
Fuckin hell. Do you
think it's a lot?
I mean
Fuckin hell. What are these?
Er, Homewares.
Yeah, and I had a
bit of a B&Q phase,
so I've got quite a lot of
these extendable magnetic pens.
They're, like, for getting things
down the back of radiators.
Like, look, oh Spare keys!
So What about these?
Body jewels. Yeah, I don't
know what that was about.
And the printer cartridges
that's why I was suspended.
Kirst, there's loads
of 'em. Yeah, 28.
We don't have a printer.
No, it's not
It's just like
doing it.
It makes me feel
I don't know, like
special.
Alright?
You're not at work?
She's told me, Lee.
Everything. Haven't you?
Well What? About the-
He knows that I've been suspended
and I've been stealing from work.
Yeah. Where've you been?
Run.
Run? Yes.
You alright? Yeah, I'm
alright, yeah. You?
I'm alright,
yeah. You alright?
Gonna put the kettle on.
I'm so stupid.
I was doing so well.
I'm basically a paralegal.
I do more work than half the
solicitors there and now
Oh, yeah, that's a Knight
of the Round Table
Oh, I don't know
why. I don't know.
I'm sorry, I'm such a freak.
You're not. You're not,
Kirst. Don't say that.
You know you've got
a what is it?
A mental health thingy.
Probably cause your mum's
a psychopath, to be honest.
And a-actually, they
shouldn't be firing you
for an actual manageable
What?
Kirsty. Get your
fucking shoes on.
Aysha, I need you to hold the
fort. I'll be about an hour.
This is jokes, man.
I'm on my own here.
I don't know how
them tills work!
Maybe now would
be a good time to-
how do you not know
how the tills works?
Glen! Er, I gotta go. Sorry.
I can't slow down. If I
slow down, I won't do it.
Lip balm! Alright, here
I'm so dry. You're
making me nervous.
This is what Deborah Meaden
feels like every single day.
It's so stressful.
I fucking love it!
Come on!
Oh, fuck off.
Are they expecting you?
They're not, Becky, no.
Well that shouldn't
still work, should it?
I need to sign you
in- No, he's with me!
No. He needs a lanyard.
Just push through, just push
through it, push through!
Look don't you dare call
security, Becky! Don't you dare!
Daryl?! Daryl, I might need you!
Let's have it, you cunt!
Who the fuck are you?
Jesus Christ! No, he's a skinny
bloke in a loincloth, now who are ya?
Alright, alright, alright,
I'm Lee. I'm Glen's brother!
Why didn't you say
then, you dickhead?
What did you hit me with?!
Oh, it's a chicken, innit.
Who the fuck are you?
Ay! Sue. Pleasure.
And if anyone asks,
they gave me a key so's I can
come and go as I please, alright?
Yeah, whatever.
I've gotta go.
Fuck! The bag!
Oh my God, I'm shaking. I
can feel my arse vibrate.
You got my cue cards? There's
nothing on them, love.
Yeah, I know, they're just
a power prop, aren't they?
Get with it!
Door opening.
Sorry.
Sue! Don't answer the phone!
Do not
answer that fucking-
Hello?
Glen? No, he's at work at
the moment, what's it about?
Oh, the other Mister Campbell?
Yeah You must mean Lee!
Fuck!
Mark Raynor. He's the one
that gave me the suspension.
Smirk on his face
when he did it.
Well, I am gonna
march into his office.
And I am gonna
say, "Mark, you"
"..are a turd!"
Not sure that'll get
your job back, love.
I'm just pumping
myself up, aren't I?
Glen! Work with me here. OK!
I'm gonna go in there
and I'm gonna say,
"Mark, you thought you
could push me out."
"And you thought you
were better than me."
"But the truth is
Mark, you are a worm."
"You are a tiny little worm boy
underneath my shoe Mark and I"
What? What is wrong with you?
I erm
I'll take the next one.
I suppose, if we're
being honest, I em
I think I quite like it when you
talk to me like Mark from HR.
Change of plan.
You're reimbursing 'em for this
one, mate. That one's not on me.
Car keys. You off?
Where you going? I could
do with a lift into town.
Opposite direction!
A12, is it? Cause I've got
some business that way too!
What did I do with them?
You looking for these?
What's the magic word?
Don't you fucking try me, girl.
Charming!
At least drop me at the
precinct. You gotta go that way!
Oh! S sorry.
What the fuck do you want?
There's something I need to say.
It's rather pressing so
I've written it down.
I have the cards here-
Move your fucking car!
Yes, well, I-I-if I could
just r-read this first-
Lee!
Although
it's been but a few days
from the moment we met-
Oh fuck!
Fuck!
Get out!
What do you think
you're doing? PERVERT!
Sorry, but as I say
this is rather pressing.
Oops.
I dropped my ring binder.
That's a lever arch file-
Shhhh
Fetch.
I didn't tell you
to stand. Did I?
Don't make me cross,
you little
twat.
Sorry, sorry, is that not?
Sorry, sorry
Erm, you pathetic little man.
You've come in handy, you have.
I'm up and down the A12
like a blue-arsed fly.
'Mother of the bride'. I've got a
list of jobs as long as my tits.
I'm DJing the wedding.
Gotta try out some kit.
Take a left here.
Who are you then?
I'm Lee's friend and Glen's
boss, but mostly Lee's friend.
Ooh, nice when blokes
have friends, innit.
Like Michael Ball and Alfie Boe.
Thanks, Paul!
Hello Jen. Looking
for something?
Oh my god.
Mm. Disgusting, isn't he?
Right, we're here.
Get out now.
Alright!
Lively darling, yeah!
Ta-tah!
I want you out
n'all. But I haven't-
Maybe another time, yeah? I
I'll just spin through it.
Dear Lee, though it's
been but a few days
from the moment we met
I felt-
I felt an overwhelming
sense of peace
A P-peace the likes
of which never
No, no, no!
She's got m'fucking bag!
Keep moving.
Oh, piss off, Daryl.
Your jumper's inside out.
Do you know what, Glen, I've
been thinking actually
fuck this place.
I can get another job, easy.
Maybe even a full paralegal.
Oh my god. Kirsty, I
didn't even tell you.
I got the promotion!
What?! I-I got it, yeah!
I know, since everything
happened, I didn't-
Bye, twats!
Where's your manager? Tell
him I want a test drive.
He's on lunch, I
can't really do-
Look, son, I might be dropping
a grand on these decks,
a tuna baguette can wait.
Keats himself wrote, 'Truth is
beauty and beauty is truth'.
Well, who am I to
scorn such words
Here. I've brought
my own USB, mate.
There's a few tracks I
wanna try out, alright.
Oi Topknot! Hit the lights!
: One,
two. One, two.
Sweet Child O' Mine ♪
Ladies and Gentlemen,
the bride and groom
Kirsty and Glen,
this is your big day!
Everything you've worked and
saved so bloody hard for
Lee, I've been living a lie.
Running from the truth.
But now I see myself
for who I really am.
Cause that's what it's
all about Family.
And now I think I
see a way through,
a way to put things right
And family looks out
for each other. Always.
I felt something Lee
something new and maybe
Just maybe
you've felt it too.
Oh
Now, get this one down ya!
Right, Glen, we are celebrating.
Yeah. Yeah! First up,
I wanna go Trish's-
You wanna go Trish's? Yeah.
Yeah, we can go Trish's.
And then cocktails,
like, fancy ones.
Yeah? That's not gonna
break the bank, is it?
Go on, check the
savings account.
Alright, one moment,
caller. Drum roll, please.
Oh, my god. This is it!
Yeah, I think everything's
falling into place for us, Glen.
And do you know what,
actually, from here on in,
I think everything is
going to be absolutely
What?
Kirst
Boom, Boom, Boom ♪