Mr. Iglesias (2019) s01e05 Episode Script
Everybody Hates Gabe
1 [CROWD CHEERING.]
[UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC PLAYING.]
Wow! Now this is what I call a pep rally! [CHUCKLES.]
Last year was so bad, the cheerleaders started cheering for Poly.
Not this year.
This turnout says Poly's going down! That's right, an upset is up-ruined.
You see what I just did there? Shut up.
This turnout also says we have total disregard for the fire codes.
I might have to shut this down.
I prefer last year's pep rallies, when the aisles were clear and there were lots of empty seats.
Like your birthday party? Ooh! [LAUGHS.]
She burned you, bro! She burned you! Now you can call the fire marshal.
[MUSIC SWELLS.]
[CROWD CHEERING.]
- It's showtime! - [CHEERS.]
- Whoo! Yeah! Yeah, baby! - Yeah! Whoo-hoo-hoo! - Ha-ha! - [SHOUTING.]
Who are we? - [CROWD.]
We are Wilson! - [SHOUTING.]
Who we gonna beat? [CROWD.]
Poly! Poly! Poly! How long has it been since we beat our rivals? [CROWD MUTTERING.]
People.
[LAUGHS.]
People, that's not important.
The important thing is, that streak ends - on Friday! - [CROWD CHEERS.]
Whoo! That's right, and it doesn't matter if it's been five, seven, - or even ten years.
- Oh, it's definitely ten! We were in kindergarten.
Well, this year, the Rocket's gonna trample those clowns on Friday! [CROWD CHEERS.]
Come on out here, Rakeem! - [GABE.]
Rakeem! - [CROWD CHEERING.]
- [CHEERS.]
- Rakeem! Whoo! [CLEARS THROAT.]
Come see me on game night Step on they necks Crush the windpipes Of Poly Tech! - Yeah! - [ALL CHEER.]
- Whoo! - [LAUGHS.]
They bodies be broken Life in ruins Once they get got By the Wilson Bruins! [STUDENT 1.]
Yeah! - [STUDENT 2.]
Yeah! - [ALL CHEER.]
Keep it going for Rakeem "the Rocket" Rozier! [CROWD CHEERS.]
And listen, you guys, when Wilson beats Poly, their number one alum, Snoop Dogg, is gonna be like: Yo, yo, what it do? [ALL LAUGH.]
Wilson ran up and down our heads [STUDENTS CHEER.]
Yeah, that's right There ain't a blunt big enough In the LBC To take the pain away From Snoop D-O-double-G [CROWD CHEERS.]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
Mr.
Iglesias Mr.
Iglesias Hey, Rakeem, looking swole.
- Mmm, yeah.
- [BOTH GRUNTING.]
- Whoo! - That's right.
- [YELPS.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Lorenzo! - [LORENZO.]
Hey! - Hey! - [BOTH GRUNTING.]
- [IMITATES CAMERA SHUTTER SNAP.]
What? - [LAUGHS.]
Mr.
I is my guy! That's right.
[GROUP.]
Two, four, six, eight He knows how to educate Iglesias, Iglesias Yeah, Iglesias Hey, bro, you remember our handshake? You know, I'm a little rusty, but I think I still got it.
Uh Eh Uh Yeah Uh [BOTH.]
Ãrale.
Why don't we do that anymore? Uh, we both wanted jobs.
Man, I have never seen this school so fired up, and I was at the assembly where the Drug Enforcement Panda got arrested for selling weed.
Well, nothing brings a community together like the common purpose of football.
The common purpose of hating people that are different than you works pretty well, too.
And this week, those two come together because we all hate Poly football.
[PAULA.]
Mm! That's right.
They can go straight to hell.
Praise Jesus! Oh, I'm sure they have a lot of really sweet kids on their team, too.
Now that's the killer spirit we're looking for, Abby.
Well, she didn't have football in her high school, so she really doesn't get rivalry week.
Oh, we had a very bitter rivalry back home.
- [RAY.]
Mm-hmm? - With the Methodists.
They're pretty hardcore.
Wouldn't want to wear red in that neighborhood.
I really enjoyed my first Wilson-Poly game last year.
I thought Poly did some great touchdown dances.
Why didn't we do any? No touchdowns.
Heh.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
It's a new day, Gabe.
I've broken down a ton of film on Poly, and I've engineered a game plan that's gonna whoop their asses.
You're gonna hand the ball to Rakeem? Bingo! Bango! [BLOWS.]
Hey, Trujillo, I just wanted to thank you for giving Rakeem an extension on his project.
Heh.
I'm Gomez.
He's Trujillo.
Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
I can never tell you two apart.
We look nothing alike! You'd be surprised.
- Hey, Coach.
- Yep? Can you tell us apart? Please! You're the one wearing the hat.
Anyway, I wanted to thank you for being on board and keeping your priorities straight.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Hey, look, nobody wants to beat Poly more than I do, but I think our number one priority needs to be teaching our kids.
Right, Paula? Oh, sorry, Gabe.
[SIGHS.]
I wasn't listening, I was thinking about what I was gonna wear to the victory rally after we beat Poly.
[RAY.]
Mm-hmm? Is a bodysuit inappropriate? Oh, who cares? I call my own shots.
You like that? Corset and a cone.
[LAUGHS.]
Bullet! Yup.
All right, everybody, hand in your take-home midterm on Plessy v.
Ferguson.
Separate but equal, my black ass! Just to ease your disappointment in everyone else, you should probably grade mine last.
Kinda crushed this one.
All right.
Crushing history, failing humility.
What? Mikey, you're turning in your assignment on time? I'm impressed.
Hey, you said if we're failing, we can't do any extracurrics.
You know, I gotta stay secretary of the Fortnite club.
Well, uh, mine's more of a manifesto, so I I used an alias.
"Oznerol"? Yeah, that's "Lorenzo" backwards, don't tell nobody.
What about you, Rakeem? Um I'm good.
No, you're not.
You're great.
Damn, Walt, we all need to find someone who looks at us the way you look at Rakeem.
But seriously, Rocket, where's your, uh Where's your midterm? Um, it's here and here, and with Him.
All right, well, uh, have Him give it to you, and then give it to me.
Dude, if you don't turn it in, you're failing this class and you can't play against Poly.
I won't be failing till he actually grades mine.
No, man, Grandmaster Gabe is cool.
He'll give me an extension.
You had me at cool, lost me at extension.
Come on, Mr.
Iglesias, we all know how much you wanna beat Poly.
Right, guys? - [GIRL.]
Yeah.
- [BOY.]
Come on.
Look, of course.
But school work comes first.
End of discussion.
You gave me an extension on my FDR paper when my mom was sick.
And, full disclosure, my mom sleeps at Uncle Roger's house when she's sick.
Little too much disclosure, Mikey.
Besides, I've given Rakeem extensions on two other assignments.
Football cannot be our only focus.
Well, it it can this week, right? [LORENZO.]
Yeah, come on.
[ALL CHANTING.]
Let him play! Let him play! Let him play! Let him play! Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine.
Look, Rakeem, you can have another week.
- [BELL RINGS.]
- Yeah! Yes.
My man.
Mm Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- [SIGHS.]
- Well, well, well.
Always looking forward to reading your assignment, Marisol.
You should.
I worked hard on it.
Really, really, really hard.
You seem to be repeating yourself a lot.
Do I? Do I? Do I? Look, you you like Rakeem.
We We all like Rakeem.
You know what I like more? A level playing field where everyone is treated equal.
Go, Bruins! [SIGHS.]
Hey, Tony.
I tried your thing.
Dancing like no one's watching? No.
I let a kid slide in my class.
- Oh.
Yeah, pretty satisfying, right? - Mm.
- Hey, Gabriel.
- [GABE.]
Yes, sir.
We were just coaching up Abby here on our football rivalry with Poly.
Yeah.
Wouldn't it be an even better rivalry if we ever won? [CHUCKLES.]
Iglesias, mi amigo.
Heard what you did for Rocket, and I ordered the Spirit Squad to buff your bus.
That is not necessary or allowed.
Well, they were more than happy to help someone who's helping the cause.
Barely had to raise my voice.
Coach, just out of curiosity, what level do you think your voice is at right now? - Hey, guys.
- Hey, Paula.
The other teachers are cutting Rakeem some slack, but Gabe here is not having him do a damn thing.
Give that man a raise! Oh, no, my tinnitus must be acting up again, 'cause I didn't hear a damn word the coach just said.
Gotta get me some of that tinnitus.
Look, all I wanna hear is the sound of our fight song harmonizing with the wailing sobs of those Poly chumps.
Yeah.
Sounds like sweet music to my ears.
[CHUCKLES.]
Look, you guys, we all want Rakeem on the field this Friday, but what happens if we start caring more about football than we do about teaching? We win the district title? I feel you, Gabe.
You want it all: personality and knockers.
But But you're never gonna get 'em both.
In this situation, football is the knockers.
Everyone wants the knockers.
That has been my experience.
I don't know, guys, I kinda think schoolwork is the knockers.
[CHUCKLES.]
Thanks, Abby.
Uh, before HR gets here, can we please stop saying "knockers"? Think about it, Gabriel.
When we beat Poly, our pride will be restored.
And I'll be so proud of myself for not betting, I probably won't even think about how much money I could have won.
Five hundred dollars.
And my curriculum vitae will be complete.
Paula, it's just us.
You can say résumé.
Look, is there anyone who thinks I did the wrong thing by letting Rakeem slide on the rules? Yeah.
Yeah, there is.
Who? Those bitch-ass punks at Poly.
[LAUGHS.]
[CHANTING.]
Go, Rocket! Go, Rocket! Go, Rocket! Go, Rocket! [ALL.]
Go, Rocket! Go, Rocket! Go, Rocket! Go, Rocket! Hey, everybody, settle down.
Settle down.
Just a reminder, your book reports are due Wednesday.
Any Wednesday in particular? Or ? Yes.
Uh, next Wednesday, in particular.
Okay, so, uh, Walt's got his due date.
When's mine? Yeah, we kinda like the new "whatever works for us" schedule.
I'm thinking next Friday would be good for me.
[CHUCKLES.]
Look, you guys, that's not how this works.
[SCOFFS.]
Where, oh where, could they have gotten that idea? Look, I gave Rakeem an extension, okay? My rules haven't changed.
Haven't they, though? Haven't they? Haven't they? Hey, Rakeem deserves an extension.
He's differently abled! He runs a 4.
5 40.
Yeah, he's fast.
He should be able to get his midterm on my desk and make it back to his seat without me even noticing.
Thank you, Grace.
You get it.
Fan club president, huh? I'd prefer CEO of Licensing and Distribution.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
Look, can anyone tell me which judge opposed the majority in Plessy v.
Ferguson? Not Marisol.
Plessy? Oh, Ferguson.
Look, okay, Justice Harlan was like me against Lakewood.
One man rolling against the tide.
[CHUCKLES.]
Nerd alert! [SCOFFS.]
Except, unlike that fool Harlan, I won.
Hmm.
- My man.
- [LAUGHS.]
Hey, Rakeem, you didn't want to scribble any of that on a piece of paper? Eh, that's that's not really my thing.
Look, Rakeem, if you let me help you, we could have your midterm done today - like it was supposed to be.
- Oh, cool, cool, cool.
So, you looking to join the Rakeem Street Team, huh? What? No, no.
No, I'm I'm looking to be the founder of the Restore Mr.
Iglesias Integrity Team.
Good luck getting that on a T-shirt.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah, that team blows! Look, my integrity has plenty of integrity, okay? Rakeem, that was a nice offer Marisol made you.
Why'd you spike it? Look, okay, I'll get to that midterm when I get to it.
But, Marisol, if you want to throw on a crop top, I just might be able to get you on the Spirit Squad, shorty.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey, Rakeem, do you know why it's dangerous for a receiver to go over the middle? Sure, I mean, he turns his head to catch the ball, and he can get blown up by someone much bigger than him.
Good.
'Cause you just went over the middle, and I'm much bigger than you.
Uh-oh.
I'm not following this analogy at all.
[WHISPERING INAUDIBLY.]
Look, Rakeem, you've been here long enough to learn the two rules: work hard and be nice.
Okay? Your extension's been revoked, and until you turn in that midterm, you're failing this class, which means you're not playing this week.
- What? - Mr.
Iglesias! Did you forget? This week's the big game.
Yeah, are are you smelling toast? Are you stroking out? Like Bench me instead! Yeah, bench me! Freakin' bench me! None of you play football.
Bench the Rocket? [CHUCKLES.]
That's hilarious.
That's like That's like benching Santa on Christmas.
[CHUCKLES.]
Say hi to Krampus on campus.
Ho-ho no.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Hey, guys, what's up? [CHUCKLES.]
This was supposed to be our year, and now you're making us look silly.
This coming from a grown man in a bear costume? I think you got silly covered, bro.
- Hey, bad news travels fast, right? - Yeah.
"Everybody hates Mr.
Iglesias" is already trending.
Who started that? Huh? Uh, definitely not me.
It was Chrissy Teigen.
Chrissy Teigen.
- Mr.
Iglesias.
- Ugh.
You did the right thing.
You know, I never thought I'd see the day where you were my only friend.
[CHUCKLES.]
No, I still don't like you, but you did the right thing, and that forges an unbreakable bond between us.
I bet I can break it.
[SIGHS.]
Hey, Paula.
Oh, Gabe, you must feel terrible.
Everyone's talking smack about you.
All the students, every faculty member.
All the alumni.
People in the community, church groups.
Look, I get it, okay? Well, they're all blaming you for what's about to happen against Poly, and hating you for it.
Didn't you want to add something about admiring me for standing up for what's right? No, I said what I wanted to say.
Well, look who it is.
Poly's double agent.
Hey, man, I went to this school, okay? And I hated Poly long before you got canned from that junior college for buying clean urine.
First of all, none of those dogs were harmed.
Now, this is between you and me.
Don't hurt the kid.
Look, when he turns in that assignment, he'll get his eligibility back.
Iglesias, is this because this is American football? Would you be more on board if it was fútbol? Look, man, you better pump your brakes before I put my foot in your balls.
Goal! Do you even care about your kids' future? Do you think any of them are gonna go pro? Probably not.
But if they learn what I teach, they might make middle management at an Amazon Fulfillment Center.
Which is, let's face it, where most of these kids are ending up.
I disagree.
I want these kids to grow up believing they can invent Amazon.
Nice try.
Already invented.
Finally, a friendly face.
Dude, what the hell? You benched Rakeem? [CLICKS TONGUE.]
Okay, not so friendly.
- How could you? - [SIGHS.]
Wait you got action on Poly? Look, I know this might seem weird to the rest of you, but I'm just trying to be a good teacher.
I warned you about trying.
It always blows up in your face.
Look, I was just trying to do what everybody wanted.
All right? Rakeem backed me into a corner.
[SIGHS.]
I just can't get through to him.
Well, that's because you treat him differently than all your other kids.
- No, I don't.
- Of course you do.
See, you see all of your other kids as underdogs.
Now you've finally got a winner, you don't know what to do with him.
Man, his head is just so big.
Even Kanye's like, "Bro, dial it down.
" See, all your other kids remind you of us when we were in high school, so you fight for them.
Rakeem reminds you of the kids that used to pick on us.
Yeah.
He even looks like that kid that stuffed you in a locker.
What was his name? I Isai Isaiah Crawford.
It wasn't so bad, though.
I actually had extra headroom.
Look, you've never given up on a student.
You shouldn't give up on Rakeem.
When did you get so smart? You forget, I'm the honors teacher.
And I probably heard something like that on Dr.
Phil.
[GRUNTING SOFTLY.]
Easy there, Mike Tyson.
[PANTING.]
Mike Tyson? The actor from The Hangover? [IMITATES TYSON.]
"Hey, ese, I used to be one of the best fighters in the world.
They used to call me Iron Mike.
Okay? And then I tattooed my face and then I started playing with pigeons.
Fly, pigeon, fly.
" Why are you here? Do you want to take away my gym privileges, too? [IN NORMAL VOICE.]
Hey, someone took away mine.
It was me.
I can't believe you're not letting me play.
Man, I was gonna run over those punks.
I even had a new touchdown dance.
Everybody was gonna be doing the "Rakeem.
" One part Kiki, two parts stanky leg.
Do the Rakeem, do the Rakeem Do, do the Rakeem Back it up, oh Back it up, hey, hey I like it.
Yeah, I would have flipped the ratios, though.
I would have done, uh, two part Kiki, one part stanky leg, so two part Kiki and then a stanky leg.
- Yeah.
- You like that? - Like Yeah, that's - Yeah.
- That's pretty good, man.
- Yeah, I do yoga.
No, okay, but I'm still mad at you.
Ah, join the club.
Yeah, even I've got problems with me.
Personal demons, but I digress.
So, uh, how long you been hitting that bag? - [SIGHS.]
Almost an hour.
- [GABE.]
Hmm.
But if you feel like sparring, I'm sure I can go another round.
An hour? You know, Rakeem, if you can work this hard in here, you can work this hard in my classroom.
Man, I know that.
That's an hour I'm not working on football.
- [GABE.]
Hmm.
- Which is the only thing I'm great at.
Coach tells us, when you find what you do well, stay in that lane.
That's strange advice coming from someone who swerves all over the faculty lounge.
I know everyone around here wants to define you as just a running back.
[SCOFFS.]
I don't mind.
Have you ever been a star running back? [SIGHS.]
It's pretty awesome.
I'm sure it is.
I believe you're more than that, and I want you to believe it, too.
You knew all about Justice Harlan, but you think it's off-brand for you, so you shut it down.
[SCOFFS.]
Man.
Harlan, he was a badass.
He didn't stay in his lane.
Uh-uh.
You saying I should get outta my lane, too.
Yes, I do.
Damn, Mr.
Iglesias.
Why do you care so much? Because that's my lane.
[CHUCKLES.]
It's what I'm good at.
That and Ms.
Pac-Man.
[IMITATES MS.
PAC-MAN GOBBLING.]
[IMITATES GAME OVER SOUND.]
No? Google.
So how we gonna do this before tomorrow's game? [AS TYSON.]
Simple, we're gonna bite the dog ears off those books.
We're gonna go 12 rounds with American History.
Fly, pigeon, fly.
- My man.
- [IN NORMAL VOICE.]
Yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
[BOTH IMITATE PIGEON COOING.]
[CROWD CHANTING.]
Bruins! Bruins! Bruins! Bruins! Bruins! Bruins! Bruins! Go, Wilson! Go, Wilson! [ALL CHANTING.]
Go, Wilson! Please keep the aisles clear! Don't make me call the fire marshal! Or do, I'd love to call the fire marshal.
You don't have to call him.
He's right there.
And I'd to congratulate Coach Dixon and his squad for whipping Poly's butt! [CROWD CHEERS.]
Coach Dixon! I'd like to give away a couple game balls.
First, to my guy, give it up for Rakeem! [CROWD CHEERS AND WHOOPS.]
'Keem! And another to someone who taught me a valuable lesson this last week.
Well, you know, I think we all learned a very valuable Grace Lee! That direct snap through Keem on third down with a minute left? Grace's idea.
So suck it, Poly! [WHOOPS.]
Go, Rocket! Go, Rocket! Go, Rocket! Go, Rocket! Go, Rocket! Go, Rocket! [ALL CHANTING.]
Go, Rocket! Go, Rocket! Go, Rocket! [THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
[UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC PLAYING.]
Wow! Now this is what I call a pep rally! [CHUCKLES.]
Last year was so bad, the cheerleaders started cheering for Poly.
Not this year.
This turnout says Poly's going down! That's right, an upset is up-ruined.
You see what I just did there? Shut up.
This turnout also says we have total disregard for the fire codes.
I might have to shut this down.
I prefer last year's pep rallies, when the aisles were clear and there were lots of empty seats.
Like your birthday party? Ooh! [LAUGHS.]
She burned you, bro! She burned you! Now you can call the fire marshal.
[MUSIC SWELLS.]
[CROWD CHEERING.]
- It's showtime! - [CHEERS.]
- Whoo! Yeah! Yeah, baby! - Yeah! Whoo-hoo-hoo! - Ha-ha! - [SHOUTING.]
Who are we? - [CROWD.]
We are Wilson! - [SHOUTING.]
Who we gonna beat? [CROWD.]
Poly! Poly! Poly! How long has it been since we beat our rivals? [CROWD MUTTERING.]
People.
[LAUGHS.]
People, that's not important.
The important thing is, that streak ends - on Friday! - [CROWD CHEERS.]
Whoo! That's right, and it doesn't matter if it's been five, seven, - or even ten years.
- Oh, it's definitely ten! We were in kindergarten.
Well, this year, the Rocket's gonna trample those clowns on Friday! [CROWD CHEERS.]
Come on out here, Rakeem! - [GABE.]
Rakeem! - [CROWD CHEERING.]
- [CHEERS.]
- Rakeem! Whoo! [CLEARS THROAT.]
Come see me on game night Step on they necks Crush the windpipes Of Poly Tech! - Yeah! - [ALL CHEER.]
- Whoo! - [LAUGHS.]
They bodies be broken Life in ruins Once they get got By the Wilson Bruins! [STUDENT 1.]
Yeah! - [STUDENT 2.]
Yeah! - [ALL CHEER.]
Keep it going for Rakeem "the Rocket" Rozier! [CROWD CHEERS.]
And listen, you guys, when Wilson beats Poly, their number one alum, Snoop Dogg, is gonna be like: Yo, yo, what it do? [ALL LAUGH.]
Wilson ran up and down our heads [STUDENTS CHEER.]
Yeah, that's right There ain't a blunt big enough In the LBC To take the pain away From Snoop D-O-double-G [CROWD CHEERS.]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
Mr.
Iglesias Mr.
Iglesias Hey, Rakeem, looking swole.
- Mmm, yeah.
- [BOTH GRUNTING.]
- Whoo! - That's right.
- [YELPS.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Lorenzo! - [LORENZO.]
Hey! - Hey! - [BOTH GRUNTING.]
- [IMITATES CAMERA SHUTTER SNAP.]
What? - [LAUGHS.]
Mr.
I is my guy! That's right.
[GROUP.]
Two, four, six, eight He knows how to educate Iglesias, Iglesias Yeah, Iglesias Hey, bro, you remember our handshake? You know, I'm a little rusty, but I think I still got it.
Uh Eh Uh Yeah Uh [BOTH.]
Ãrale.
Why don't we do that anymore? Uh, we both wanted jobs.
Man, I have never seen this school so fired up, and I was at the assembly where the Drug Enforcement Panda got arrested for selling weed.
Well, nothing brings a community together like the common purpose of football.
The common purpose of hating people that are different than you works pretty well, too.
And this week, those two come together because we all hate Poly football.
[PAULA.]
Mm! That's right.
They can go straight to hell.
Praise Jesus! Oh, I'm sure they have a lot of really sweet kids on their team, too.
Now that's the killer spirit we're looking for, Abby.
Well, she didn't have football in her high school, so she really doesn't get rivalry week.
Oh, we had a very bitter rivalry back home.
- [RAY.]
Mm-hmm? - With the Methodists.
They're pretty hardcore.
Wouldn't want to wear red in that neighborhood.
I really enjoyed my first Wilson-Poly game last year.
I thought Poly did some great touchdown dances.
Why didn't we do any? No touchdowns.
Heh.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
It's a new day, Gabe.
I've broken down a ton of film on Poly, and I've engineered a game plan that's gonna whoop their asses.
You're gonna hand the ball to Rakeem? Bingo! Bango! [BLOWS.]
Hey, Trujillo, I just wanted to thank you for giving Rakeem an extension on his project.
Heh.
I'm Gomez.
He's Trujillo.
Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
I can never tell you two apart.
We look nothing alike! You'd be surprised.
- Hey, Coach.
- Yep? Can you tell us apart? Please! You're the one wearing the hat.
Anyway, I wanted to thank you for being on board and keeping your priorities straight.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Hey, look, nobody wants to beat Poly more than I do, but I think our number one priority needs to be teaching our kids.
Right, Paula? Oh, sorry, Gabe.
[SIGHS.]
I wasn't listening, I was thinking about what I was gonna wear to the victory rally after we beat Poly.
[RAY.]
Mm-hmm? Is a bodysuit inappropriate? Oh, who cares? I call my own shots.
You like that? Corset and a cone.
[LAUGHS.]
Bullet! Yup.
All right, everybody, hand in your take-home midterm on Plessy v.
Ferguson.
Separate but equal, my black ass! Just to ease your disappointment in everyone else, you should probably grade mine last.
Kinda crushed this one.
All right.
Crushing history, failing humility.
What? Mikey, you're turning in your assignment on time? I'm impressed.
Hey, you said if we're failing, we can't do any extracurrics.
You know, I gotta stay secretary of the Fortnite club.
Well, uh, mine's more of a manifesto, so I I used an alias.
"Oznerol"? Yeah, that's "Lorenzo" backwards, don't tell nobody.
What about you, Rakeem? Um I'm good.
No, you're not.
You're great.
Damn, Walt, we all need to find someone who looks at us the way you look at Rakeem.
But seriously, Rocket, where's your, uh Where's your midterm? Um, it's here and here, and with Him.
All right, well, uh, have Him give it to you, and then give it to me.
Dude, if you don't turn it in, you're failing this class and you can't play against Poly.
I won't be failing till he actually grades mine.
No, man, Grandmaster Gabe is cool.
He'll give me an extension.
You had me at cool, lost me at extension.
Come on, Mr.
Iglesias, we all know how much you wanna beat Poly.
Right, guys? - [GIRL.]
Yeah.
- [BOY.]
Come on.
Look, of course.
But school work comes first.
End of discussion.
You gave me an extension on my FDR paper when my mom was sick.
And, full disclosure, my mom sleeps at Uncle Roger's house when she's sick.
Little too much disclosure, Mikey.
Besides, I've given Rakeem extensions on two other assignments.
Football cannot be our only focus.
Well, it it can this week, right? [LORENZO.]
Yeah, come on.
[ALL CHANTING.]
Let him play! Let him play! Let him play! Let him play! Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine.
Look, Rakeem, you can have another week.
- [BELL RINGS.]
- Yeah! Yes.
My man.
Mm Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- [SIGHS.]
- Well, well, well.
Always looking forward to reading your assignment, Marisol.
You should.
I worked hard on it.
Really, really, really hard.
You seem to be repeating yourself a lot.
Do I? Do I? Do I? Look, you you like Rakeem.
We We all like Rakeem.
You know what I like more? A level playing field where everyone is treated equal.
Go, Bruins! [SIGHS.]
Hey, Tony.
I tried your thing.
Dancing like no one's watching? No.
I let a kid slide in my class.
- Oh.
Yeah, pretty satisfying, right? - Mm.
- Hey, Gabriel.
- [GABE.]
Yes, sir.
We were just coaching up Abby here on our football rivalry with Poly.
Yeah.
Wouldn't it be an even better rivalry if we ever won? [CHUCKLES.]
Iglesias, mi amigo.
Heard what you did for Rocket, and I ordered the Spirit Squad to buff your bus.
That is not necessary or allowed.
Well, they were more than happy to help someone who's helping the cause.
Barely had to raise my voice.
Coach, just out of curiosity, what level do you think your voice is at right now? - Hey, guys.
- Hey, Paula.
The other teachers are cutting Rakeem some slack, but Gabe here is not having him do a damn thing.
Give that man a raise! Oh, no, my tinnitus must be acting up again, 'cause I didn't hear a damn word the coach just said.
Gotta get me some of that tinnitus.
Look, all I wanna hear is the sound of our fight song harmonizing with the wailing sobs of those Poly chumps.
Yeah.
Sounds like sweet music to my ears.
[CHUCKLES.]
Look, you guys, we all want Rakeem on the field this Friday, but what happens if we start caring more about football than we do about teaching? We win the district title? I feel you, Gabe.
You want it all: personality and knockers.
But But you're never gonna get 'em both.
In this situation, football is the knockers.
Everyone wants the knockers.
That has been my experience.
I don't know, guys, I kinda think schoolwork is the knockers.
[CHUCKLES.]
Thanks, Abby.
Uh, before HR gets here, can we please stop saying "knockers"? Think about it, Gabriel.
When we beat Poly, our pride will be restored.
And I'll be so proud of myself for not betting, I probably won't even think about how much money I could have won.
Five hundred dollars.
And my curriculum vitae will be complete.
Paula, it's just us.
You can say résumé.
Look, is there anyone who thinks I did the wrong thing by letting Rakeem slide on the rules? Yeah.
Yeah, there is.
Who? Those bitch-ass punks at Poly.
[LAUGHS.]
[CHANTING.]
Go, Rocket! Go, Rocket! Go, Rocket! Go, Rocket! [ALL.]
Go, Rocket! Go, Rocket! Go, Rocket! Go, Rocket! Hey, everybody, settle down.
Settle down.
Just a reminder, your book reports are due Wednesday.
Any Wednesday in particular? Or ? Yes.
Uh, next Wednesday, in particular.
Okay, so, uh, Walt's got his due date.
When's mine? Yeah, we kinda like the new "whatever works for us" schedule.
I'm thinking next Friday would be good for me.
[CHUCKLES.]
Look, you guys, that's not how this works.
[SCOFFS.]
Where, oh where, could they have gotten that idea? Look, I gave Rakeem an extension, okay? My rules haven't changed.
Haven't they, though? Haven't they? Haven't they? Hey, Rakeem deserves an extension.
He's differently abled! He runs a 4.
5 40.
Yeah, he's fast.
He should be able to get his midterm on my desk and make it back to his seat without me even noticing.
Thank you, Grace.
You get it.
Fan club president, huh? I'd prefer CEO of Licensing and Distribution.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
Look, can anyone tell me which judge opposed the majority in Plessy v.
Ferguson? Not Marisol.
Plessy? Oh, Ferguson.
Look, okay, Justice Harlan was like me against Lakewood.
One man rolling against the tide.
[CHUCKLES.]
Nerd alert! [SCOFFS.]
Except, unlike that fool Harlan, I won.
Hmm.
- My man.
- [LAUGHS.]
Hey, Rakeem, you didn't want to scribble any of that on a piece of paper? Eh, that's that's not really my thing.
Look, Rakeem, if you let me help you, we could have your midterm done today - like it was supposed to be.
- Oh, cool, cool, cool.
So, you looking to join the Rakeem Street Team, huh? What? No, no.
No, I'm I'm looking to be the founder of the Restore Mr.
Iglesias Integrity Team.
Good luck getting that on a T-shirt.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah, that team blows! Look, my integrity has plenty of integrity, okay? Rakeem, that was a nice offer Marisol made you.
Why'd you spike it? Look, okay, I'll get to that midterm when I get to it.
But, Marisol, if you want to throw on a crop top, I just might be able to get you on the Spirit Squad, shorty.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey, Rakeem, do you know why it's dangerous for a receiver to go over the middle? Sure, I mean, he turns his head to catch the ball, and he can get blown up by someone much bigger than him.
Good.
'Cause you just went over the middle, and I'm much bigger than you.
Uh-oh.
I'm not following this analogy at all.
[WHISPERING INAUDIBLY.]
Look, Rakeem, you've been here long enough to learn the two rules: work hard and be nice.
Okay? Your extension's been revoked, and until you turn in that midterm, you're failing this class, which means you're not playing this week.
- What? - Mr.
Iglesias! Did you forget? This week's the big game.
Yeah, are are you smelling toast? Are you stroking out? Like Bench me instead! Yeah, bench me! Freakin' bench me! None of you play football.
Bench the Rocket? [CHUCKLES.]
That's hilarious.
That's like That's like benching Santa on Christmas.
[CHUCKLES.]
Say hi to Krampus on campus.
Ho-ho no.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Hey, guys, what's up? [CHUCKLES.]
This was supposed to be our year, and now you're making us look silly.
This coming from a grown man in a bear costume? I think you got silly covered, bro.
- Hey, bad news travels fast, right? - Yeah.
"Everybody hates Mr.
Iglesias" is already trending.
Who started that? Huh? Uh, definitely not me.
It was Chrissy Teigen.
Chrissy Teigen.
- Mr.
Iglesias.
- Ugh.
You did the right thing.
You know, I never thought I'd see the day where you were my only friend.
[CHUCKLES.]
No, I still don't like you, but you did the right thing, and that forges an unbreakable bond between us.
I bet I can break it.
[SIGHS.]
Hey, Paula.
Oh, Gabe, you must feel terrible.
Everyone's talking smack about you.
All the students, every faculty member.
All the alumni.
People in the community, church groups.
Look, I get it, okay? Well, they're all blaming you for what's about to happen against Poly, and hating you for it.
Didn't you want to add something about admiring me for standing up for what's right? No, I said what I wanted to say.
Well, look who it is.
Poly's double agent.
Hey, man, I went to this school, okay? And I hated Poly long before you got canned from that junior college for buying clean urine.
First of all, none of those dogs were harmed.
Now, this is between you and me.
Don't hurt the kid.
Look, when he turns in that assignment, he'll get his eligibility back.
Iglesias, is this because this is American football? Would you be more on board if it was fútbol? Look, man, you better pump your brakes before I put my foot in your balls.
Goal! Do you even care about your kids' future? Do you think any of them are gonna go pro? Probably not.
But if they learn what I teach, they might make middle management at an Amazon Fulfillment Center.
Which is, let's face it, where most of these kids are ending up.
I disagree.
I want these kids to grow up believing they can invent Amazon.
Nice try.
Already invented.
Finally, a friendly face.
Dude, what the hell? You benched Rakeem? [CLICKS TONGUE.]
Okay, not so friendly.
- How could you? - [SIGHS.]
Wait you got action on Poly? Look, I know this might seem weird to the rest of you, but I'm just trying to be a good teacher.
I warned you about trying.
It always blows up in your face.
Look, I was just trying to do what everybody wanted.
All right? Rakeem backed me into a corner.
[SIGHS.]
I just can't get through to him.
Well, that's because you treat him differently than all your other kids.
- No, I don't.
- Of course you do.
See, you see all of your other kids as underdogs.
Now you've finally got a winner, you don't know what to do with him.
Man, his head is just so big.
Even Kanye's like, "Bro, dial it down.
" See, all your other kids remind you of us when we were in high school, so you fight for them.
Rakeem reminds you of the kids that used to pick on us.
Yeah.
He even looks like that kid that stuffed you in a locker.
What was his name? I Isai Isaiah Crawford.
It wasn't so bad, though.
I actually had extra headroom.
Look, you've never given up on a student.
You shouldn't give up on Rakeem.
When did you get so smart? You forget, I'm the honors teacher.
And I probably heard something like that on Dr.
Phil.
[GRUNTING SOFTLY.]
Easy there, Mike Tyson.
[PANTING.]
Mike Tyson? The actor from The Hangover? [IMITATES TYSON.]
"Hey, ese, I used to be one of the best fighters in the world.
They used to call me Iron Mike.
Okay? And then I tattooed my face and then I started playing with pigeons.
Fly, pigeon, fly.
" Why are you here? Do you want to take away my gym privileges, too? [IN NORMAL VOICE.]
Hey, someone took away mine.
It was me.
I can't believe you're not letting me play.
Man, I was gonna run over those punks.
I even had a new touchdown dance.
Everybody was gonna be doing the "Rakeem.
" One part Kiki, two parts stanky leg.
Do the Rakeem, do the Rakeem Do, do the Rakeem Back it up, oh Back it up, hey, hey I like it.
Yeah, I would have flipped the ratios, though.
I would have done, uh, two part Kiki, one part stanky leg, so two part Kiki and then a stanky leg.
- Yeah.
- You like that? - Like Yeah, that's - Yeah.
- That's pretty good, man.
- Yeah, I do yoga.
No, okay, but I'm still mad at you.
Ah, join the club.
Yeah, even I've got problems with me.
Personal demons, but I digress.
So, uh, how long you been hitting that bag? - [SIGHS.]
Almost an hour.
- [GABE.]
Hmm.
But if you feel like sparring, I'm sure I can go another round.
An hour? You know, Rakeem, if you can work this hard in here, you can work this hard in my classroom.
Man, I know that.
That's an hour I'm not working on football.
- [GABE.]
Hmm.
- Which is the only thing I'm great at.
Coach tells us, when you find what you do well, stay in that lane.
That's strange advice coming from someone who swerves all over the faculty lounge.
I know everyone around here wants to define you as just a running back.
[SCOFFS.]
I don't mind.
Have you ever been a star running back? [SIGHS.]
It's pretty awesome.
I'm sure it is.
I believe you're more than that, and I want you to believe it, too.
You knew all about Justice Harlan, but you think it's off-brand for you, so you shut it down.
[SCOFFS.]
Man.
Harlan, he was a badass.
He didn't stay in his lane.
Uh-uh.
You saying I should get outta my lane, too.
Yes, I do.
Damn, Mr.
Iglesias.
Why do you care so much? Because that's my lane.
[CHUCKLES.]
It's what I'm good at.
That and Ms.
Pac-Man.
[IMITATES MS.
PAC-MAN GOBBLING.]
[IMITATES GAME OVER SOUND.]
No? Google.
So how we gonna do this before tomorrow's game? [AS TYSON.]
Simple, we're gonna bite the dog ears off those books.
We're gonna go 12 rounds with American History.
Fly, pigeon, fly.
- My man.
- [IN NORMAL VOICE.]
Yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
[BOTH IMITATE PIGEON COOING.]
[CROWD CHANTING.]
Bruins! Bruins! Bruins! Bruins! Bruins! Bruins! Bruins! Go, Wilson! Go, Wilson! [ALL CHANTING.]
Go, Wilson! Please keep the aisles clear! Don't make me call the fire marshal! Or do, I'd love to call the fire marshal.
You don't have to call him.
He's right there.
And I'd to congratulate Coach Dixon and his squad for whipping Poly's butt! [CROWD CHEERS.]
Coach Dixon! I'd like to give away a couple game balls.
First, to my guy, give it up for Rakeem! [CROWD CHEERS AND WHOOPS.]
'Keem! And another to someone who taught me a valuable lesson this last week.
Well, you know, I think we all learned a very valuable Grace Lee! That direct snap through Keem on third down with a minute left? Grace's idea.
So suck it, Poly! [WHOOPS.]
Go, Rocket! Go, Rocket! Go, Rocket! Go, Rocket! Go, Rocket! Go, Rocket! [ALL CHANTING.]
Go, Rocket! Go, Rocket! Go, Rocket! [THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]