Mr. Robinson (2015) s01e05 Episode Script

1 Okay, fine.
Just tell him I called again.
You okay, Vic? No.
Robert's not returning my phone calls.
I think something's up with him.
Really? So you two haven't been connecting? No, it's just, you know, a rough patch.
That's normal in relationships.
Yeah, yeah, absolutely; I wouldn't worry about it at all.
You think Robert's feeling tied down, don't you? My perspective, as your friend and as a man, Robert may be feeling pressure, you know? I mean, what's it been? Three years? - Without him committing.
- Yes.
He hasn't even asked me to move in with him, let alone hinted at marriage, and he's just been so distant lately.
I just thought it was because he was busy at work.
That's what guys want you to think.
He's subtly pushing you away so then you don't get what you need emotionally.
And then I get fed up and break up with him.
Classic.
We make you break up with us.
Men are such cowards.
Oh.
Not you.
Thank you for being a good friend, Craig.
Hey, all part of the plan.
- What plan? - The plan to support you.
They breaking up, they breaking up They break-a-break, break-a-break, breaking up They breaking up, they breaking up - Who's breaking up? - Ah! Victoria and Robert, on the outs.
Oh, wow, I find it astonishing how you continually get rejected by Victoria, yet still publicly pursue her.
Samir, I'm playing what's called the long game, okay? Proximity, trust, information.
That's fascinating.
So am I playing the long game? With Ashleigh? You playing the long I-ain't-got-no-game.
Craig, come on.
I need your help.
The thought of her burns like an X-ray laser through my heart.
I mean, a stripper that loves math? What's not perfect about her? Samir, Ashleigh's a complicated woman.
Men say outrageous things to her.
Yet only deliver folded dollar bills near her perfectly-packaged peaches.
So use that, deliver.
Give her some real romance.
Hey, what are you guys talking about? - Isotopes.
- Isotopes.
(man) Robinson What's going on? Principal Taylor and Supervisor Dalton just called a mandatory meeting.
Okay, whatever comes up, I am not making moonshine in the boiler room, okay? Jimmy, we don't have a boiler room.
Exactly.
(Craig) PT, Dalts, what's the good news? Well, Craig I'm sorry; I just can't do it.
I refuse to be the one to kill the funk.
Eileen? The school is in a very serious budget crisis.
We have to make some very painful cutbacks.
Nonessential classes, like P.
E.
and music, will be terminated at the end of the week.
What? You can't do that.
I can't breathe.
I'm so sorry, Craig, really, so sorry, hurting, bad, inside, ouch.
Ouch for me too, Dalts.
Money, need it.
Look, we've overcome shortfalls before.
I'm sure there's something we could do, maybe throw a bake sale.
- Or a sexy car wash.
- I have a hose.
It can't be that bad.
How much money do we owe? $30,000.
Okay, it was nice working with you.
[humming.]
[all humming.]
Turn around Every now and then I feel a little bit lonely And you never come around Turn around Every now and then I get a little bit tired Of listening to the sound of Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Why you singing this sad-ass white people music? Mr.
C, do you have the big C? That's what my mom calls my stepmom.
I don't have cancer.
The school's having a budget crisis, and music and P.
E.
classes are being canceled.
[together.]
What? No.
Is that why Coach Magnum is asking us to write tweets of recommendation for him? They're firing you? This isn't fair.
It's the only class I even come to.
Sorry, guys, but unless one of you has $30,000, this is my last week here.
It was nice working with you.
We're not gonna let this happen, Mr.
C.
Okay.
Let's make our last few classes together really mean something.
Or not, whatever.
Turn around, bright eyes I agree, Craig.
You and Victoria would be perfect together, and I think you're right; she and Robert are on the outs.
So right now is the most delicate time.
Yeah, because you don't want to be blamed for breaking them up.
And I don't want to be the rebound guy.
Yeah, you just want to be the guy-guy.
Jimmy, what are you doing? Last licks, guys, last licks.
Faceball's gonna be illegal in a couple days.
You want in? - No, thank you.
- Come on.
All right, just one.
- Oh! - Whoo! [laughs.]
Nice arm, Mr.
C.
Thanks, Luke.
Ashleigh? - I'm not getting fired.
- Come on, Ash.
Why not? Oh! Another one, Miss Fellows? Maybe a little lower, perhaps? Oh, my Okay, last laps, losers.
Go.
Hey, I was thinking, there must be some way for us to raise the money for us to keep our jobs.
Oh, buddy, I am way ahead of you.
Number one, we could burn the school down and collect on the insurance; I know a guy.
Then where would you teach, Jimmy? Okay, so number two, we go on The Voice, and we have those judges bid on us.
- Jimmy, those judges - Wait, Jimmy, that's it.
When I flip a house and I put it up for auction, it always sells for more.
We could have a teacher auction.
[laughs.]
That's a dumb idea.
No, that's a great idea.
No, you're right, it's a great idea.
I thought you said circumcision.
Craig, I am so sorry.
This is completely unfair.
If there's anything we can do You and Ashleigh could do a double lap dance on me, help take my mind off of things.
- Okay.
- No! Worth a shot.
Okay, everybody, listen up.
We've come up with a way to raise the money, but we need your help and permission.
We can throw a teacher auction.
Craig, you're stealing my thunder.
Guys, we can throw a teacher auction.
- That's a great idea.
- Thank you.
The winning bidder gets to have a teacher for the day.
Yeah, it's like a slave auction.
No, Jimmy.
It's not like that at all.
But you can use that teacher's talent for whatever you need, music for an event.
- Personal training.
- Exotic dancing.
I need all of those things.
This is a possible big-time money maker.
We load the place with deep-pocket bidders and shills who drive the price up.
- I could invite Robert.
- If he ever calls you back.
Yes, and his lawyer friends.
They would kill each other for a shot at Ashleigh.
Damn, I'm gonna have to sell all my stuff.
And there are a ton of big fish I can bring from my strip club.
Yes, those guys literally throw money at you.
And I could get Flo-Jack's to host it.
You cool with all this, PT? Oh, yeah, I'll even be the auctioneer.
I'll make it rain in that bitch.
But we have to do it by this weekend.
Great.
Hey, let's get our jobs back.
Okay.
This is gonna be great.
Hey, now, who wants to come with me to get waxed and bleached? I know a guy.
[doorbell rings.]
Deandre? What you doing here? We need to talk, yo.
So You not gonna offer a brother a cocktail? Son, you'd better speak your piece.
Fine, let me be straight up and down with you, dog.
You need to help me save your brother's job.
What? You saying Craig gonna get fired? It's done.
Budget cuts.
And you know if Craig loses his job, you gonna have to find one.
Ah, hell, no.
Yo, yo, what do you need? Anything.
We need you and the Nasty Delicious to help us make a video, you know, put it online and get some donations, keep Craig at the school.
And you came to the right little man, little man.
Great, thanks, Cinnamon.
So I've confirmed a bunch of my regulars from the club are coming.
The dancers are even going to paint ads on themselves about the auction.
It's less demeaning than it sounds.
Isn't her perky crassness just adorable? Craig, I've sold almost everything I own so I can bid for her at the auction.
Are you sure that's a good idea? In my culture, a romantic gesture is a 50-person perfectly choreographed dance in the middle of a market.
You said it yourself.
I have to go big.
Never said that.
Hey, hey, we've got to set up a situation where she'll be indebted to you, like something where she almost dies and you can save her life.
Or maybe something a little simpler.
Try courting her.
Flowers are always nice.
Yes, flowers, poisonous flowers, and only you have the antidote.
I know a florist.
I can set it up.
Well, Robert got a bunch of his rich friends to come.
I think we can actually pull this off.
You were finally able to get a hold of him.
By text, but, you know, he was in meetings all morning.
Yeah, I'm sure that's what it was.
I am kind of getting a weird feeling.
I'm so sorry to hear that.
Craig, do you think maybe we could get some lunch? Of course, Victoria.
You know I'm always here for you.
Victoria.
Hey, they said you were in here.
Hey, Craig.
Robert.
What are you doing here? Well, either I lost my job and became a delivery guy, or I got you some lunch from your favorite restaurant.
Uh-oh, favorite restaurant, not good.
Listen, I was hoping to get a little time with you.
Me too.
Craig, do you mind? No, I'm cool, just chilling.
Oh, oh, you know I got a thing.
I got to So So I know I've been distant and busy lately, but my hard work's paid off.
Babe, I was just offered a job at Brody, Reuben, and Stahl.
They want to make me a partner.
Robert, that's amazing.
Oh, I'm so happy for you.
I would start in two weeks in New York, and I want you to go with me.
What's going on? I think he's breaking up with her right now.
Ooh! (both) They're breaking up they're breaking up You might be moving to New York? Wow, that's that's so exciting, Vic, wow.
Yeah, well, I mean, I haven't decided yet, but thanks for your fake excitement.
Really? It was that bad? I'm much better at giving, "You're so hot.
I love that bald spot.
" Victoria, is this what you really want? I mean, you're going to be chasing a guy who won't marry you across the country.
Well, I mean, don't you think this could be a step towards marriage? I think a ring and a proposal is a step towards marriage.
Without that, you're just giving everything up for someone who might not be the one.
Look, can you just be happy for me? (Ashleigh) I'm I'm trying, but, you know, you may leave, Craig may leave, my daddy left.
(Victoria) What? My abandonment issues are skyrocketing.
Okay, it's okay; look, if I do go, then I'll come back and visit.
That's what Daddy said.
Music speaks a language for every single one of us Don't want to lose our friend so rare He cares, he teaches us Kids on the bubble, 'bout to pop into some trouble Save our teacher from destruction It's a tax deduction The clock is freaking ticking We're running out of time Silence! Yo, man, why you keep interrupting me? Because that was garbage.
You either hit the note or get the hell out of here.
What, yo? I'm rapping.
Don't argue! Why are you breaking your own furniture? You're poking the bear, Deandre.
You're poking the bear.
Again.
[funky music.]
Kids on the bubble Silence! I need a break.
Take five? This was a big mistake.
We're never gonna finish filming our video.
That guy's out of control.
The song ain't the video.
Ben losing his mind was always gonna be the video.
People see how he treats us, they gonna give us stacks of cash.
Already got the title: "A-hole explodes on kids.
" Do not Google that.
Okay, so hang on; If Victoria moves to New York, then I could just stay here and teach English.
If you could teach English.
That's what she said.
Jimmy, that's not how that's used.
Craig, do you even want to keep teaching here if Victoria's not around? I do want to keep teaching.
I love it here, but it'd be perfect if she stayed.
Then do something about it now, or you're going to miss your chance.
You right, Ash, and I am.
I'm gonna win Victoria in that auction tonight.
Then I'm gonna show her that we belong together.
No, Craig, that's my idea.
How is it your idea? Isotopes.
This is finally my opening with Victoria, so I can wedge myself in there.
That's what he said.
Thank you.
[upbeat funky music.]
- Somebody say yeah! - All: Yeah! - Say oh, yeah! - All: Oh, yeah! When I say Studs, you say Terkel.
[together.]
Studs.
Terkel.
Studs.
Terkel.
When I say kids, you say money.
Kids.
- All: Money.
- Kids.
All: Money.
We got 500 so far from me and the Nasty Delicious and all the things we can do for you.
So now when I say 500, you say 1,000.
1,000! All right, Dalts.
We are gonna jam hard, Craig, jam hard! Somebody have 2,000? Does anybody have 2,000? Please? 2,000! Arrr.
[cheers and applause.]
We have $2,800.
Do I hear 3,000? This young lady can help you lay down some tile or put up some drywall.
Ooh, 3,000.
Anyone want to go over 3,000? $4,858.
73.
$4,800 going once, going twice 5 grand.
(Taylor) $5,000 going once, going twice, sold.
[applause.]
Samir, the way you got that guy to go up to 5? You make the perfect shill.
That's me, the perfect shill.
Tough break, buddy.
Hey, Ashleigh's not going anywhere.
Remember, long game.
Thanks, Craig.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go buy $4,800 worth of tequila and throw up in my empty apartment.
There you go.
[upbeat music.]
[cheers and applause.]
And last but certainly not least, we have our beautiful English teacher, Victoria Wavers.
[cheers and applause.]
Hey, Craig, how's it going? Robert.
All right, let's get started bidding.
- We have - 1,000.
- Oh, we have - 2,000.
Craig, man, what are you what are you doing? Just tell me how much the school needs.
I'll write you a check.
You don't have to be a shill.
We have 2,000.
I'm winning Victoria.
That's what I'm doing.
Winning? I don't think so.
3,000.
4,000.
Craig, this is this is crazy, man.
She's my girlfriend.
For now.
(Taylor) We have 4,000.
Seriously? You know, I was gonna save this for later, but I think now is the perfect time.
- Is it? - My final offer $5,000 and my life.
Here in front of all your friends, Victoria, come to New York with me and be my wife.
Will you marry me? 5,100.
Shut up, Danny! Yes.
Yes, I will marry you.
Tough break, buddy, but hey, you know, Victoria's not going anywhere oh.
Well, at least you still have your job oh.
I'm sorry, Craig.
I'm not very good at this.
But I do have 4 grand worth of tequila if you want to go get hammered.
Hell, yeah.
These flowers are so beautiful.
Read the card.
What the hell, Craig? Now that Victoria's gone, you're trying to steal my imaginary girlfriend? Wait for it.
Of course I'll have lunch with you.
Thanks, Samir.
Yeah, I was just thinking maybe - Stop talking.
- Good idea.
Hey, guys.
We tallied up everything, and we made just over $17,000.
Unfortunately, we're still short.
I failed you.
If I could have fired someone else to save your job, I would have.
I'm looking at you, Eileen.
Yo, before y'all start crying and snotting all over each other, we got something to show you in Mr.
C's room.
Come on.
What's going on in here? We have a little surprise for you.
I'm Mexican.
That's not the surprise.
How is that not the surprise? No offense to you all, but we kind of figured your auction was gonna suck, so we took matters into our own hands.
The clock is freaking ticking We're running out of time Silence! That was garbage! You either hit the note or get the hell out of here! Don't argue! You're poking the bear! Hit the note! Please help us.
Get us away from this music teacher.
We beg you.
Please, help us get our real music teacher back.
Send donations to our PayPal account now.
Hit the note.
So that's what happened to my barstools.
You guys did this for me? Technically for us, but Of course.
And the video went viral.
People despise your brother.
I can understand that.
And our Paypal account is up to almost $15,000.
That should cover getting you back, right? It sure does.
Welcome back, boys.
We just got refunds! Yeah.
I'm back, baby! [piano tinkling.]
- Thank you.
- De nada, mi amigo.
So it seems you have a couple of thousand dollars to spare.
What are you gonna do with it? Yo.
I'm the most hated man on the internet.
We pulled it off, yo.
Just like we planned.
So the deal my money for the cut, what's leftover.
You deserve it, all 120 bucks.
120, cool.
Yep.
Yo, it was nice doing business with you, little man.
You too, little man.
Dumbass.
So I guess this is good-bye.
Well, all right.