Mrs Brown's Boys (2011) s01e05 Episode Script

This programme contains some strong language.
Ha-ha-ha! Ladies and gentlemen welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys.
Hello! Ha-ha-ha! Well, it's my son Dermot and Maria's wedding this week Everybody's so excited.
Cathy is worried about fitting into that dress so she's going to her aerobics.
Yeah, aero that's a made-up name.
I think the gym owners said, "We'd better call it something fancy, "cos they won't pay if we just call it feckin' jumping up and down.
" Ow! Sorry a bit distracted, it's not just the wedding, it's Dermot's reaction to it.
Dermot doesn't take stress well.
When his father died, he went into the wardrobe in his bedroom and didn't come out for two weeks! Hiya, Mammy.
Hello, son.
Would you like a cup of tea? Yeah, Mammy.
A penny for your thoughts, love.
Just thinking about me getting married! Do you see what I mean? My God, it's hard to believe you'll soon have children of your own to worry about.
And after the way you treated me, I hope they break your feckin' heart! Do you remember being pregnant on me? Ha-ha.
Do I remember? I'll never forget it, son.
Me arse was as wide as the arrivals gate in Dublin Airport! What were you hoping I'd be? Your father's! Seriously? Don't be a feckin' idiot, of course not! Your arrival was a big event in my life.
I'll never forget it 12 pounds, 8 ounces you were.
They couldn't even get you with the forceps.
At one point I thought they were going for a tow truck and a rope! 22 stitches I had.
I could walk down both sides of Grafton Street at the same time.
I'll never forget it.
A beautiful, sunny Tuesday! Saturday! Saturday! Saturday, yeah! In July.
September.
September, yeah! No, Galway.
It would have been Dublin only your father wanted to stay for the last race! I don't think I'm ready to be a parent.
For feck's sake, son, none of us are! Any parent will tell you.
You're an amateur parent with an amateur child, and just when you have the job right they marry someone and leave.
Yeah, well Mammy, don't worry, I'll never be far away.
Don't you feckin' threaten me, son! Good morning! Morning, Rory! Morning, Mammy! Hello, love! Dermot, getting nervous yet? Stop, stop it! Leave me alone! Rory, have you and Dino decided which girls you're going to be bringing to the wedding? Er, no.
Listen, I have to dash.
I'll see you later.
Bye-bye! He's in a feckin' hurry! Mammy, Rory's not bringing a girl to the wedding.
Why not? Mammy, what if I turn out like me dad? You and Rory need to talk.
He's not into women.
What are you saying? I said, "What if I turn out like me dad?" No, not you, love, Cathy.
I heard what you said! You won't.
Rory is a friend of Dorothy's.
Can't he bring Dorothy to the wedding, then? Wouldn't that be all right? I have to go.
Mammy, we'll talk later.
What if I become an alcoholic? Your father wasn't an alcoholic.
We couldn't afford that.
He was a drunk! Yeah, I know what you mean, yes.
Well, marriage is not just all about sex.
Now that's what I say.
Yes Oh, you're so right! Oh, listen, I remember when one night himself oh, he went he went from one o'clock in the morning till quarter past two! Yeah.
No, well, it was the night that the clocks went forward! Mammy, for God's sake! Oh, hold on.
What, Cathy? Just order the pizza! So that's a a deep pan Hawaiian, a pepperoni and a side order of garlic bread.
All right, thank you! Mammy, sit down for a second.
What, Cathy? Look at this.
I want you to take a little time to read this.
What is it? Homosexuality And Me.
I want you to read it, Mammy.
I want you to look around you for signs and then we'll have a talk.
Signs? What kind of signs? Read it and then we'll talk.
I wish you'd tell me what this is all about.
G'day, g'day! Hello, son! Oh, do you smell wedding cake? I smell wedding cake! Do you smell wedding cake? Don't, Mammy.
Maria standing there in a beautiful white gown, think about that! Stop, Ma, not now! I'm only getting excited.
I'd love to be a feckin' kangaroo.
I'd have had 12 children if I could have matured them in me handbag! Do you want a cup of tea, love? No, thanks, Ma.
I'm fine, it's just everything's happening so fast.
I feel Doesn't matter.
Never mind.
I can't believe your boss made you hop around the week you're getting married! He didn't ask me, I wanted to.
I'm going for me bath.
Make sure to wash your Joey! Dermot! Can I just say something? I'm off, Mammy! I'll see you, love.
And, Mammy, read the book! I will.
How are you, Mrs Brown? Is Dermot here? Dermot! There's a gobshite down here looking for you! And me! So how's your speech coming along? I'm still trying to pronounce me haitches more.
Your best man's speech for the wedding! The best man's speech is the highlight of the reception! Really?! You didn't know you'd to make a speech at the wedding?! No.
I suppose I'll just make something up on the day.
No, you won't! Jacko was our best man and he did that and loads of crap came out.
You will not.
You'll write a speech before the wedding and you'll run it past me first.
Are we clear? Yeah! I'd die if Dermot's marriage was a repeat of my own.
That man feckin' ruined our wedding! Right, Mrs Brown will you tell Dermot to follow me down to Foley's? I've some thinking to do.
Yes, you have.
Holy God! Cathy's a lesbian.
What?! Cathy.
It explains a lot.
She's a lesbian! But what about Mick the boyfriend? He must be a lesbian, too! Mick is a homo? Winnie, the book says you can't say that.
It's not politically correct.
What do you say, then? I don't know.
Queer, I think.
Right so! Now goodnight, folks.
Come on.
You got no homes to go to? Agnes, what does the book say is the signs of being a lesbian? "There will be a noticeable absence of men in her life.
" That's very vague, Agnes.
Sure, your husband's dead and my Jacko's always in hospital! Jesus, that's true! Well, here "The closest person to her will be another woman "and it will become apparent that she feels she cannot be without that woman.
" Again, Agnes, that could be anyone.
Sure, that could be me or you! What does the book say lesbians do together? Does it mention bingo? We'd better move.
Yeah! I'm going to go home, ring Jacko at the hospital, and have phone sex.
He'll be asleep, for God's sake! Well, I'll leave a message then.
Listen, I'm going to pay Mr Foley for the drink he's leaving at the house.
Right.
You go on ahead.
Goodnight then, love.
Goodnight.
Goodnight, love.
Yeah.
Mr Foley.
Hello.
That's the stuff we need and there's a few bob.
Two dozen lager, two dozen stout, case of wine, assorted spirits half a dozen Babycham? Rory! Oh I'll tot it up! Thanks very much.
What about this? Jesus Christ! You were that close to death! Ahem.
"What is the story, everybody?" No, no that's, "Ladies and gentleman and Reverend Father" It's his best man's speech.
Oh! "Ladies and gentlemen and Reverend Father "the first time me and Dermot went shoplifting" Scratch that! My Dermot never went shoplifting! He did! Of course he didn't What about this? "Me and Dermot met in a private school " Yeah, that's nice! "recommended by a judge.
" NO! It's funny but, isn't it? No! It's not funny! What did Dermot think of this effort? He didn't come down to Foley's.
I tried to call him but his phone's turned off.
Good luck! It doesn't take two and a half hours to have a bath.
Maybe he went out to Maria's.
Thanks very much, Mr Foley.
There you go.
Huh, kids.
What are you going to do, hey? Hey.
Well, with our Nicole we're really lucky.
Ah, that's nice.
No, no, she's good as gold I'll tell you now, hey, Josh and Oliver Mr Foley Agnes fuckin' bored now.
Goodnight! Is there anything I can do? Anything that will cheer you up? No! Just leave me alone, Mammy! You don't have to get married! I want to! Then what's wrong? I just need to think.
That's what you said when your father died.
You didn't come out for two feckin' weeks! And we don't have two weeks, Dermot.
Hiya, Mammy! Dermot's in the cupboard again! Hiya, Dermot! Hiya, Cathy.
Do you want tea? No, thanks.
Do you want tea, Mammy? Yes, I've made some.
It's on the table.
You're breaking your mother's heart! Dermot? The man is here about the wedding video! Mammy, did you read the book? Yes.
Well? Is it you? What?! No.
For God's sake, Mammy! Well, I've been looking for signs but everywhere I look, I see signs! Listen "Many people will have a homosexual experience while in prison.
" Dermot was in prison.
Is that why he's in the cupboard? So he can "Come out"? Mammy! No, it's not Dermot.
Well, now, "The homosexual will try on many occasions to give the family hints or signs.
" You gave me the book.
Are you sure it's not you? No! If it was me, I'd tell you! There you are.
It's not you or Dermot, I know it's not Mark, and Trevor's celibate.
Which only leaves? It's me! Waaah! No, it's not you, Mammy! For God's sake.
Thank Jesus! Think about who you left out.
Rory?! Exactly.
Don't be ridiculous.
If it was Rory, he'd have tried to tell me.
Hiya, Agnes, love.
Sit down, Winnie.
I want to tell you something.
Jesus, Agnes.
What's wrong? Rory is homosexual.
I know, but what's wrong? What do you mean, you feckin' know?! Agnes, everyone knows! Why didn't you say that in the pub? Cos I thought you were looking for lesbians! Feckin' idiot.
"Even the police who arrested us love Dermot" Get out! Out! Here, Do you want me to do anything for the wedding, pet? No, no, we're all set.
It'll be a great day, Agnes! Yeah.
Even though you are losing Dermot.
Another one gone, what? Look, I should go.
I have to get across to the hospital with them clothes for Jacko.
He's coming out for the wedding! Of course he is.
Everything's free! You know, I have to get two buses across to that hospital.
Two buses over and two buses back? Four buses? Yeah! Twice a day? Eight buses.
Seven days a week, fifty six buses! Yeah! If the man had any decency, he'd fuckin' die! Agnes! I'm only joking! It's not a bypass he needs, it's a bus pass! Well, thank God he's coming home tomorrow! Yes.
I'll tell the bus company, they can let some staff go! So, Father busy? Well, er No, not too bad.
This time of year tends to be quiet.
Oh! It's open! I'm so sorry I'm late, Mrs Brown Oh, hello, Father Quinn.
Where's Dermot? Yes, Mrs Brown, where IS Dermot? He's in the cupboard! The cupboard? Are you OK, Dermot? Yes, love! Right, then let's begin.
But the groom is in the cupboard.
How can we have a pre-marriage talk with him in there? Did you hear that, Dermot? Yes! He can hear you, Father.
Go ahead! Well You two, having declared your intention to marry, will be asked on the wedding day to make certain vows, now, not just to each other but to the Lord Almighty himself.
Now, do you understand this? Yes.
What vows? Well, to bring your children up as strong and Christian soldiers.
Are we expecting a war, Father? And you know the church's stance on contraception and divorce? Yes, and you need to cop on.
Look, Father, if you don't play the game, don't make the feckin' rules! Mrs Brown! Father, marriages aren't made in heaven, they're made here in Finglas, or in Birmingham, or Liverpool, or New York.
And it's tough.
You fight with each other, you love each other and sometimes you'll feckin' hate each other.
But with God's help Ah, "With God's help" God'll help you stay sane, the rest is up to you! It's about respect and learning to love! Yes, and children! Learning to love your children, no matter what.
Whether they go to prison, or lock themselves in a feckin' cupboard, or even if they're homosexual.
Am I right, Father? Well, er homosexual is a bit And if you get it right, and I think these two have got it right Oh, Maria, you can be happy.
Happier than you ever thought possible.
There's your pre-marriage chat, Maria Do you have anything to add to that, Father? No.
Not a thing.
Thank you, Father.
Goodnight and God bless you.
Goodnight, Dermot.
Father, you're talking to the ironing board now.
Goodnight, Dermot.
Goodnight, Father.
Rory I want to talk to you about your illness.
Mammy, it's not an illness! Well, it's not normal! Mammy! Fine.
Rory what I'm trying to say is you are what you are.
Whatever you are, I will always be your mother.
And I want you to know that it doesn't matter how far we are apart, or long we are apart, I will always be here waiting with a loving heart.
Awww! It's nice, isn't it? Yeah.
I read it on a card! May you rest in peace.
Mammy! Sorry.
Rory, what I am trying to say is have you ever considered that you might be homosexual? Now, I know this comes as a bit of a shock.
And you probably want to think about it, but here's a book.
Here! That'll explain everything, except why Cathy hasn't got a boyfriend even though she's not lesbian or gay.
Mammy! Sorry.
Thanks, Mammy.
Oh, you're hurting Mammy now! OK, erm I'd better go and read.
Do, love.
Well, Mammy, I thought you handled that very well.
It wasn't easy, it was difficult.
I hope Rory never has to have that talk with any of his own children.
Dermot, love your wedding suit is here.
I don't care! You should go up and have a bath for the big day tomorrow.
No.
Go away.
Cathy, what are we going to do? The wedding's tomorrow and we won't all fit in that fuckin' cupboard! Mrs Brown, I think I have it this time Lovely.
Leave it on the table, Buster.
I'll read it later.
God, Buster, you look exhausted! I am, Cathy, I haven't slept for two days.
Well, you want to sleep tonight.
We need you fresh tomorrow! Don't worry.
Hold on, Buster.
Yeah? Read this to Mammy and see what she thinks.
Leave it there.
I'll read it later.
No, Mammy.
Listen now.
Sit down.
Here, Buster Read! "Ladies and gentlemen and the Reverend Father.
" Yeah, very well done, well done.
"Can you believe that Dermot Brown is married? "And to such a beautiful girl.
" From there.
But you're skipping me joke about the camel, the nun and the coconut! We'll live read! Let's hope the camel does.
"I don't know why Dermo picked me to be his best friend "but I'm really glad he did.
"All I ever wanted to be when I grew up was Dermot Brown.
"He's the one who makes you laugh "even when you're in prison.
" I'll take that out.
"I don't know why, but someone, somewhere looked down on me and thought "'that eejit needs a guardian angel' "and they sent Dermot Brown.
" I'm going up for me bath! So, what do you want changed? Nothing.
I think it's absolutely perfect, Buster.
Oh, yes! So, Winnie, Jacko's blind now, is he? It was his own fault, Agnes.
He was dying for a cigarette as soon as he got out of that hospital! If only he'd taken off the oxygen mask! Yeah.
Whooooo! Wah-hey! God, I'd nearly go straight myself! Really?! No! Not even Father Quinn will be safe today! Shag off! Well, well, Cathy.
You look different! So what do you think, Mammy? I think you've never looked more beautiful.
Mammy, that's the suit from Marcelle's window.
Isn't it beautiful? You couldn't afford that.
Where did you get it? It was a surprise, I came out of the shower and someone left it on the bed for me! Grandad, you can't go like that! Ma, Grandad's stripped again! Oh, for God's sake, Cathy.
I thought I told you to dress him! Yeah, Mammy, twice already.
He keeps taking off the suit! Well, go back up and put it on him.
And staple the feckin' thing to him if you have to! Well, at least he's wearing more than Cathy! Careful, Winnie, you'll end up having a meal through a tube beside Jacko.
"Ladies and gentlemen and the Reverend Father" Yeah! We've heard it before.
Get out! Here, Agnes remember the excitement the morning of my wedding? I do.
Sure, mine was the same! I remember standing on the altar and the priest looked at me and he said, "Agnes, do you take "this to be your lawfully wedded husband?" And I remember, I looked into Jacko's eyes and I whispered, "I do".
I remember, I looked into Redser's eyes and I said, "I'll see.
" Here, you had that Father Oh, what was his name? Oh, erm Father McCrum! Right, Agnes, McCrum.
And in his deep voice, he said, "I now pronounce you man and wife!" Yes and then me waters broke! Yeah! Well, someone's having a good time! Hello! Hiya! We were just over at Maria's She looks stunning! Does she? And her hair's only fabulous! Of course! OK, everybody.
It's the big moment.
Ladies and gentlemen Dermot Brown! Oh, my God, Dermot you look amazing! Thanks, Mammy! It only feels like yesterday I was bathing you It was yesterday! Dermot, son I've never told you that I'm proud of you.
Right.
Let's get down to the church and get this thing feckin' started! Get the flowers! Get the flowers! I'll get the feckin' flowers! Well, that's that then Another one gone.
Huh! It's always difficult for a mother when another one leaves the nest.
But that's our job, you know, to get them ready to go out into the mad, mad world on their own.
It'll be strange to look into Dermot's bedroom and just see an empty bed and a stack of dirty magazines! Mammy! Dermot? Is there any chance Maria and me can stay here for a while, just until we get a place of our own? Of course.
You and Maria can stay here for as long as you like.
As long as you feckin' like! Thanks, Ma.
That's a load off me mind.
It's a load off my mind! Will I ever get feckin' rid of them? I'll see you, goodbye!