Muppets Now (2020) s01e05 Episode Script

KERMIT: You're watching Muppets Now
-streaming directly from the--
-(STREAM BUFFERS)
-Ooh. Well, that's not good.
-(TONE RINGING)
-Uh, hey, Chip?
-Eh?
Yeah, hey, I'm trying
to upload my Muppets Now files,
and the little spinning wheel's
going around.
Do you know what's causing the issue?
I heard you were having trouble
with your uploads,
so I'm installing a system-wide upgrade.
Wha No, no! No, no, Chip!
I have 23 minutes, not 23 hours.
Can you please stop this?
Sure, I can figure it out.
Oh. Oh, great. Thank you!
Oh, we need more fire power
to blast through this thing.
-What? No, no!
-CHIP: Ready? Incoming!
No! Wait, wait! No, no! Wait, wait, wait!
Hey, guys, pack your bags
'cause we're going places.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS)
Is this some kind of joke?
Lifestyle! Lifestyle!
One word, and really make it pop!
One word, make it pop. Got it.
You've just caught moi
about to head off to Paris.
Three hours and counting.
So, let's get all of you a one-way ticket
to fabulousness with a few travel tips.
Bring your best friend.
I can't go anywhere
without my special service animal.
-Isn't that right, Foo Foo?
-(BARKS)
-I just
-(BARKING)
I just love my little Foo Foo.
Who wouldn't love to travel
with the perfect travel comp--
I mean, service--
Deadly! Can we take Foo Foo
-on a flight outta here, please? Ugh!
-Let's go, Foo Foo.
MISS PIGGY: Get your beauty rest.
You still need your beauty rest
even when you travel.
That's why I have a neck pillow
that prioritizes comfort.
Oh, yeah! Yeah,
this is really comfortable.
Looks stylish too, doesn't it?
Get it off! Get it off! Get it off!
Learn the language.
(PRONOUNCING)
(REPEATS)
No, no, no, no.
(PRONOUNCING)
-(REPEATS)
-(SIGHS)
(PRONOUNCING)
(REPEATS)
Mm! Yep, yep, yep, yep.
Yeah. Okay.
(BOTH PRONOUNCING)
-Yep, yep, yep. (CHUCKLING)
-(REPEATING PHRASE)
Eh.
What does that mean?
Føørê Dü Føørê Dü Šhūp.
Foods from around the world.
With Taye Diggs.
I am hungry.
Ooh la Blech!
What is that?
UNCLE DEADLY: Fried tarantula
from Cambodia.
Wow. I have never seen this before.
Bon appétit.
Foo Foo, no! Down! Down!
I gotta say, I love a woman
who can eat adventurously.
Oh.
-Really? You do?
-Yeah. I do.
-Oh. Well, that's me.
-I know it is.
Oh, yeah.
That's me. Mmm!
Oh, delicious! (CHUCKLES)
-Sweetbreads from Europe.
-TAYE: Mmm.
Ooh, that sounds nice.
Only the finest of pancreas.
Ooh, sweetbreads. Looks delicious.
UNCLE DEADLY: Jellied moose nose
from Canada.
Ooh.
-Blood pudding from Ireland.
-TAYE: Ooh.
Okay.
Stinkheads from Alaska.
-TAYE: All right.
-(GRUNTS)
Silkwork pupae from Indonesia.
Ooh, Indonesia.
-Oh!
-MISS PIGGY: Ugh.
Disgusting!
I can't eat another bite.
-Me neither. Mm?
-Look at you. I'm impressed!
-You ate it all, huh?
-Yep, yep. Um
How about you, Foo Foo?
-My little team player!
-(BURPS)
Um
-Excuse me.
-That was a juicy one.
I need to take the dog for a walk.
(FOO FOO GROWLS)
Where can a girl get
a cheeseburger around here?
The clock is ticking,
the driver's on the way.
-Come on, hurry!
-You're on.
Hmm? Oh!
Um Uh
Beverly Plume, some bunny,
and, as always, my BFF,
-Linda Cardellini.
-Hi. Hi, Piggy.
MISS PIGGY: Welcome!
Thank you for pet sitting Foo Foo for me.
LINDA: Who's a good doggy?
Who's a good doggy?
My apologies, I was a bit late
in setting up the camera.
That's fine. I'm just here
to talk to Linda anyway.
Linda.
What are your bucket list
travel adventures?
-Ooh, bucket list. Bucket list, Foo Foo!
-(BARKING)
-What's your bucket list?
-(BARKING)
Oh. Central Park.
Foo Foo wants to go to Central Park
and hang out with New York dogs.
Yeah, I was asking you, Linda,
but that's all right.
Ready? Watch this. We have a trick.
-Inside voice.
-(BARKING SOFTLY)
-What?
-Outside voice.
(BARKING LOUDLY)
-Oh, good job! Who's a good boy?
-How did you get him to do that?
-He won't do any tricks for me!
-I know.
Kelly from West Covina ponders,
"How can I experience
a place like a local?"
-LINDA: Mm.
-What?
I say, bring your dog.
-(BARKS)
-Yeah, right?
You go to the dog park,
meet people there.
Yeah, I don't understand the question.
I mean, why would you wanna experience
a new place like you live there?
I suppose you go to the DMV,
do jury duty, I don't know.
Hello, technical support?
I'm having a spot of trouble.
Speaking of trouble,
we need to get going.
-Bye-bye, everyone!
-Bye.
It's working!
Hello, everyone. (CHUCKLING)
Wonderful to see
It went black. Why'd it go black?
Hello?
Thanks for joining us
for Lifestyle with Miss Piggy.
The bus is here.
The (CHUCKLES)
The bus to my private flight to Paris.
No. The bus to Paris, Texas.
(CLEARS THROAT)
I must run to make this flight.
Remember to be the best me you can be.
Kissy-kissy!
SCOOTER: (SIGHS) Okay.
Wait a minute.
Okay. What?
(GASPING) Huh Huh?
Chip.
(MUSIC PLAYS)
(WALTER READING)
Lights, camera, acting.
Uncle Deadly.
Thespian, majordomo, personal assistant,
and he is a master of combat.
-(WALTER GRUNTING)
-(TUTTING)
-Stage combat.
-What?
I also do birthday parties.
WALTER: Uh
Uncle Deadly, I never would have
pegged you as a fighter.
Oh, no, no, my boy.
We're talking about
the art of stage combat.
-The illusion. The artifice.
-WALTER: Mm.
You know, the origins of stage combat
date all the way back to ancient Greece?
Sure.
So, how'd you first get
into stage combat?
Ah! Through the stage door, my boy.
-Ah!
-Theater
(WALTER GRUNTS)
Sorry. (CLEARS THROAT)
(THEATRICALLY) I wielded the blade
on those hallowed boards many a time.
-Macbeth. Julius Caesar.
-WALTER: Mm! Oh!
UNCLE DEADLY: Steel Mags.
WALTER: Huh?
That one was with Olivier.
Whoa! You mean, Laure--
-Carl Olivier. Not the other one.
-Oh.
In the Middle Ages,
they staged tournaments
so that the nobles
wouldn't end up getting hurt.
LINK: Mommy!
Well, acting is the noblest profession.
-Oh.
-Enough backstory!
We must engage in the most sacred
of preparations.
What's that?
Vocal warmups.
-Oh, okay, but--
-Repeat after me, Walter.
-Me-ah!
-Oh, okay.
-Me-ah!
-No, it's terrible.
-From your diaphragm. Here. Me-ah!
-Okay.
(TRILLING)
Me-ah!
Still not good enough.
We're gonna use
Me-ah!
(STRAINED YELLING)
All right. I think we're ready
for a little light grappling, Walter.
WALTER: Oh, hand-to-hand combat.
-Isn't that a little advanced?
-Yes.
-Now, plant your feet.
-Huh? Oh.
-Keep your center of gravity low.
-Ah.
We must stay
in perfect synchronicity, Walter.
-Always be vigilant.
-Yeah.
Maintain eye contact.
-Oh, right, because the eyes--
-(GRUNTS)
-Wonderful, Walter. Very realistic.
-(WHIMPERS)
It felt very realistic.
-I think we're ready for swords now.
-(GROANING)
Swords?
Oh, boy.
Check out all that hardware.
Walter, each blade has its own place
on the stage.
This one, for example.
-Oh, the cutlass.
-Possibly.
But it looks intimidating
during a monologue.
Milkshakes are for closers!
-WALTER: Wow.
-Hmm.
Ah. And this one.
Catches the spotlight perfectly.
-The sabre.
-Mayhaps.
-It also works best in iambic pentameter.
-Yeah?
"If music be the food of love, play on."
Ha-ha.
I've heard that it's very important
to know your blade.
I've learned all the parts
of the sword.
-Really?
-Yeah. Right here, that's the grip.
-And the chappe.
-Grabby part.
And then, that's the forte,
the strongest part of the blade.
-Slashy bit.
-And at the tip, that's the foible,
-or the thinnest part.
-Ah. Ah
We call that part
the stabby end.
-Just look at it, Walter.
-Oh.
Don't take your eyes off it.
Okay.
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY)
Wow.
-Moving on.
-(SHUDDERS)
WALTER: I recall something about
the three moves of the fencer.
Ah, yes. The dance of the duelist.
-The serenade of the sword.
-Yeah.
-The lunge!
-No. No, no, no.
-Parry!
-Oh.
-The riposte!
-Look, Walter, no. Put that down!
You're doing it all wrong, Walter.
-I'm just not buying any of this.
-Oh.
You must commit!
-Now defend yourself! Scoundrel!
-Whoa!
Where'd that lighting change come from?
-Whoa! (GRUNTS)
-All right.
On your feet.
-Play to the back of the theater.
-The where?
Don't forget to be dramatic.
And don't forget to smile!
(GASPS)
Uh, my shirt--
What is the most important part
of swordplay?
Foot Foot placement?
Incorrect.
The most important part of swordplay
is panache!
-Ha!
-WALTER: Whoa!
What
UNCLE DEADLY: (SPOOKILY) Now you've
learned the most valuable lesson,
young Walter.
Whoa What's that?
UNCLE DEADLY: Always leave
the audience wanting more.
(WALTER WHIMPERING)
-Leave them wanting more, Walter.
-WALTER: What?
UNCLE DEADLY: Leave them.
-(CONTINUES WHIMPERING)
-Leave!
It's a stage cue, Walter.
-Exit!
-Where did you go?
UNCLE DEADLY: Go! Ugh, never mind.
We'll just cut to black.
SAM: No.
No.
No.
No. No. No. No.
SCOOTER: And now it’s time
for Pepe's Unbelievable Game Show!
(PEPE LAUGHING)
Hola! Hola, everyone! Wow!
We got an incredible show for you today.
So, the first thing we’re gonna do
is, um, throw it out.
And just like that, we’re derailed.
Okay, let's meet our contestants.
-Hola, Karina.
-Hola.
-Where are you from?
-Texas.
-Yee-haw!
-Yee-haw!
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Okay, let's meet, Eddie Baby,
where are you from?
-I'm from Brooklyn, New York.
-(GASPS)
-Brooklyn in the house!
-Yeah!
-And what’s your favorite thing to do?
-I love to play frisbee.
-In Brooklyn?
-Yes.
-Brooklyn in the house!
-Brooklyn in the house!
Okay, all right. Bring out La Cabra!
-I’m sorry, what?
-Cue the goat!
Goat?
-Wha The goat?
-Oh!
(CHUCKLING) Okay, this challenge
is all about answering once and for all,
okay, the ultimate question.
-What is it, Karina?
-What’s the meaning of life?
-No. Eddie Baby?
-AUDIENCE: Aw!
How many leagues under the sea?
No. The question is,
can you scream louder than this goat?
-(GOAT SCREAMING)
-(ALL SHRIEK)
-So, Karina, let’s have you try first.
-Okay. Um
(SCREAMS)
Pretty good. Okay, Eddie?
(SCREAMS)
Okay, goat?
(SCREAMS)
-Karina? Eddie? Goat?
-(ALL SCREAMING)
Karina? Eddie? Goat?
-(GOAT COUGHING)
-AUDIENCE: Aw!
Well, Scooper?
Uh, let’s see, I’m just conferring
with Chris, our sound guy.
-Chris, apparently, has quit the show.
-AUDIENCE: Aw!
Okay. Let’s see,
it’s 502 points for Eddie,
350 points for Karina,
five points for the goat,
and, uh, ten trillion points for Chris
because he knew to leave.
(CHUCKLING) Hey, goat, stop it!
-(SPITS, SPLUTTERS)
-Don’t spit. Get out!
-(GOAT GRUNTS)
-(CHUCKLING)
-(SIREN WAILING)
-Oh.
(SING-SONG) There’s the siren.
You know what that means.
No. We do not know what that means.
You’ve made this very simple game show
very confusing!
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYS)
It’s Secrets Time.
(CHUCKLES)
Okay, here's what we're gonna do.
Where does he come up with this?
You’ll tell me
your very bestest secret, all right?
-Okay.
-Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyones.
You just whisper in my ear,
and then just
(WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY)
-Oh, on Sunday?
-Mm-hmm.
(PEPE LAUGHING)
Okay, okay, okay.
Let me hear what you're gonna
(WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY)
Crunchy or Crunchy peanut
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Okay, all right.
Oh, that’s so good! That’s so good!
Okay, Scooper, let’s move on.
Wait. What did they say?
Don’t you have to give them points?
No points. I just wanted to hear
their deepest, darkest secrets.
He’s sick. He’s a sick man.
Okay, bring on the cactuses!
CACTUS 1: Oh, dear,
-where do you want us to go?
-PEPE: There they are.
Now Wait a second. Hold on.
Why the long faces?
Oh, we gotta go
to a fancy-dress party tonight.
-The Dust Ball.
-Yeah, but we can’t tie our ties.
On account of being covered
in sharp spines.
It’s pointless!
Oh, boy, I get it. (LAUGHING)
That’s right, everybody, it’s time
to tie a tie on the cacti!
What? How
PEPE: So, you will find in the drawers,
some fancy ties
that you must tie to the cacti.
On your marks, get set, vámonos!
-There you go. That’s right. That’s it.
-KARINA: Ow!
-I prefer a Windsor if you can manage it.
-EDDIE: Ow!
-(CHUCKLES) That tickles.
-Ow!
Hurry up! Come on, you gotta keep moving.
-Who’s gonna make the better tie?
-CACTUS 1: Hey, my eyes.
That’s the signal for you to stop.
And the winner is
Eddie Baby!
-(SQUEALING)
-CACTUS 1: Hooray!
I was worried we were
gonna have a tie tie.
-(LAUGHING)
-CACTUS 2: Oh.
-Goat! Stop it!
-(BLEATS)
No, leave them alone. Get out.
-(SPLUTTERS)
-No! Don’t spits!
-(BLEATS, SPITS)
-You don’t spits! Get out!
Yeah, everybody, out!
Come on. I want everyone out!
Come on. Let’s go, come on, come on.
-Okay, okay, Scooper?
-Yeah?
How much times do we have, okay?
-Well, according to my calculations
-That’s right!
It’s Final Question time.
(GOAT BLEATS)
-Get out!
-(BLEATS)
Okay, here’s the question.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS)
-Oh, I had a good one.
-(MUSIC STOPS)
-Um
-(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS)
-I had a good one.
-(MUSIC STOPS)
-Oh, yeah, yeah! Okay, here it is.
-(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS)
What is the difference between a cemetery
and a graveyard? Karina!
Green!
-Green?
-I panicked, I
Okay, Eddie Baby?
The names!
Scooper, what’s the answer?
-No idea.
-Well, then, Eddie Baby wins!
-(SQUEALS) Mom!
-Congratulations, Eddie Baby!
And I’m so sorry, Karina,
that you are the loser now.
Thank you so much.
Eddie Baby,
it’s time to go to the bonus round.
-(SQUEALS)
-Let's go!
Actually, you know what?
Run away while you can. Can I help you?
-(SPITS)
-(SCOOTER YELPS)
Okay, so, what you do is you play
with a secret partner for a secret prize.
-Okay.
-So, today the super-secret partner is
Do you know Sofía Vergara?
-Is she here?
-No, no, no.
I got a date with her therapist. Gotta go.
Secret special guest, handle this!
(LAUGHING)
(SWEDISH CHEF HUMMING)
-(GREETS IN FAUX SWEDISH)
-Hey, Chef!
Okay.
(SPEAKING FAUX SWEDISH)
-Is this like French or
-Uh Yeah, hi, sorry about that.
What I think he’s saying
is that you’re going to help him build
some furniture out of what’s in the box.
Yep, yep, yep.
Oh. Oh, there it is.
And I think we’ve already started, so
-Go!
-SWEDISH CHEF: Okay.
(SWEDISH CHEF HUMMING)
-Oh, there’s a lot of pieces.
-EDDIE: Okay.
(SPEAKING FAUX SWEDISH)
SCOOTER: Instructions. Complicated.
(SPEAKING FAUX SWEDISH)
Ooh! Okay, okay!
Oh Oh!
-SWEDISH CHEF: The screws. The screws.
-Oh, Chef! Chef! Okay! (LAUGHS)
-This is fine. We can still win.
-(SPEAKING FAUX SWEDISH)
Yeah. That's right.
Let’s just start banging it.
-I think you’re doing well.
-Okay.
-SWEDISH CHEF: Ta-da!
-Right, ta-da! (CHUCKLES)
Uh Well, maybe it’s supposed
to look like that.
-EDDIE: Yeah!
-Yeah, so why don’t you just, um
take that home and we’ll call it even.
-Ooh. (SPEAKS FAUX SWEDISH)
-SCOOTER: Yeah. All right.
-(SWEDISH CHEF LAUGHS)
-SCOOTER: So, uh,
there we go. I guess that’s the show!
-(GOAT AND EDDIE SCREAMING)
-SWEDISH CHEF: Ooh!
-Hey!
-(SCREAMING)
-Ooh!
-Hey!
(SCREAMING)
-Ooh!
-Hey!
(TONE RINGS)
Hey, Scooter!
How's the system upgrade working for you?
-Uh, well, it's kind of in process.
-Uh-huh.
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
-That doesn't sound good.
-(ALARMS SOUNDING)
Sorry, Chief.
I just gotta get this upload before
(RAPID BEEPING)
-we
-(KERMIT WHIMPERING)
crash!
Blow it up!
(LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYS)
Just a quick safety warning to tell you
not to try anything
that Bunsen and Beaker do.
-(CLEARS THROAT)
-Well, actually that applies
-to everything that happens here.
-Cannon.
-Don't shoot yourself out of cannons.
-Fish.
-Don't throw fish.
-Mug.
Oh, and don't accidentally shatter
someone's favorite coffee mug
and not tell her about it.
MISS PIGGY: What happened
to my Parisian latte frappé mug?
-What a coffee hog.
-MISS PIGGY: What was that?
Oh, I wouldn't make a joke
-(GUFFAWING)
-(MISS PIGGY GRUNTS)
-I gotta go.
-(CONTINUES GUFFAWING)
MISS PIGGY: Oh, you laugh now!
What happened to my mug?
And that's lunch for me.
-DR. BUNSEN: Doink!
-(CLICKS)
-(BEAKER SCREAMING)
-DR. BUNSEN: Ooh. Beaky!
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Welcome to Muppet Labs Field Test.
I'm Dr. Bunsen Honeydew,
and this is my assistant Beaker.
(MEEPING)
And today, Beaky here
is running the experiment.
Mm-hmm. (MEEPING)
Well, hurry along now. The pressure is on.
Pressure was first defined
by Blaise Pascal.
But it was Joseph Bramah
who applied Pascal's principle
to invent the hydraulic press.
Proving that
when two forces come together,
it's cool to see stuff get squished.
-All right, Beaky, fire it up.
-(MEEPING)
(CHUCKLES) No, no, no, no.
This is your experiment.
That means
the results are your responsibility.
(ALARM BLARING)
-(BUTTON CLICKS)
-(WHIRRING)
(BEAKER SIGHS)
-This is boring, Beaker.
-(MEEPING)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(DR. BUNSEN SIGHS)
(YAWNS)
-Hmm?
-Beaker, what were you thinking?
-Making flat stuff flat is bad TV.
-Oh
Ugh. Where's my phone?
-(BEAKER SIGHS)
-(LINE RINGING)
-Hello?
-WOMAN: High Pressure helpline.
How may I make you smile today?
We are trying to squish things
and so far, it's boring.
May I ask, are you squishing flat stuff?
You see, all of our hydraulic presses
operate in accordance with Pascal's law.
DR. BUNSEN: Hmm, hmm, hmm!
-And what exactly is that?
-It's simple.
Pressure change on one part
of a fluid object is transferred equally,
without loss,
to every other part of that object,
and to its outer edges.
Basically,
you gotta squish squishier stuff.
-Please hold. Beaky! Hurry, hurry, hurry!
-(BEAKER MEEPING)
That's much, much better.
All right, press on.
-Lookie, toothpaste.
-(BEAKER MEEPS)
DR. BUNSEN: (CHUCKLES) Oh, my goodness!
-BOTH: Oh!
-DR. BUNSEN: A jelly donut?
Mmm! (SMACKS LIPS)
Squishy stress balls.
Oh. And delicious PB and J.
Oh!
Well, that's better, Beaker,
but I don't know.
I'm still not feeling it.
Uh, any ideas?
WOMAN: Well, our warranty
doesn't cover it,
but maybe try upping
the emotional pressure
and see what happens.
Ah! Please hold.
Thank you for volunteering
some of your prized possessions, Beaky.
-(GASPS)
-Now we can ensure that
the experiment is a success.
Excuse me, is there anything else
I can help you with today?
No, you're finished.
But do watch us on TV.
-Will do. Have a
-Thank you.
Oh, look at this, Beaky,
your very first microscope.
(WHIMPERING)
What a treasure this must be.
It's still in mint condition.
-(BEAKER GASPS)
-(SNICKERING)
You must be so proud of this.
(WHIMPERING AND GASPING)
Oh, dear. And wasn't this your grandma's?
(BEAKER SHRIEKS)
That's wonderful.
Oh, Beaky, your favorite signed baseball.
(GASPS)
Bye-bye, Babe Ruth.
Oh, lookie! There's only one thing left.
BEAKER: Oh
-Well, put it on, Beaky.
-(WHIMPERING)
Oh, it's just an old teddy bear.
Come on. For science.
Come on.
You can do that.
It'll probably be fine.
Okay. And start the machine.
-(FORLORN MUSIC PLAYS)
-(WHIMPERING SOFTLY)
-Come on.
-(CONTINUES WHIMPERING)
-(BEAKER GRUNTS)
-(WHIRRING)
(BEAKER WHINES)
(WHIMPERING)
Well, that's sweet, Beaky.
You love your little teddy.
You two have fun. Bye-bye, Beaky.
(GRUNTING)
See you Monday.
(WHIMPERING)
Upgrade is finished! You're good to go.
Okay! Well, I'm done with this batch,
but walk me through the new features.
Well, it's really just one,
but it's gonna change your life.
Ooh, I can't wait!
Filters?
You put me through all that for filters?
-Oh, no. Look.
-Filters!
-Real time tracking.
-SCOOTER: Get me outta here. Get me
Watch this.
These eyes look like they're my eyes,
but they're not.
(CHUCKLES) Wasn't that cool?