Murder In Successville (2015) s01e05 Episode Script

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.
Hello, I'm Kimberly Wyatt, most known for being a judge on Got To Dance, or a high-kicking Pussycat Doll, but today, I'm going to star in my own cop drama.
All I know is, there's been a homicide.
I don't know who the victim is, I don't know who the suspects are going to be.
I don't know what's going to happen.
So, wish me luck as I try and solve a murder in Successville.
'Welcome to Successville, a town full of celebrities.
'Sometimes the famous faces who live here break the law, 'and when they do, I'm here to take them down.
'I'm DI Sleet - and this is my voice you're hearing.
'You'd only usually hear it if you've been arrested, murdered 'or if you work for a hotline for the depressed and lonely.
'Hello, Tracey - me again.
'It was my first day back at work 'after a serious case of the Plumptons.
'And my dung hole was killing me.
' Ooh.
Very nice.
Come to Mummy.
Oi, Sleet! Oh, my God, it's like the Taj Mahal in here! It's just a little assortment - some breakfast, sir.
Where the hell have you been?! I've been calling you for two days! I took the liberty of having a few days off, sir.
- What?! - I went through all the appropriate channels.
A holiday?! What did you do? You've got no friends.
It wasn't a holiday, sir, it was actually quite a serious medical procedure I don't care, Sleet, I've got you a new rookie.
Yes.
Oh, that's the last thing I need, a sweaty little oik who doesn't know his dick from his balls.
"He" is a "she", Sleet.
- Get with the times, yes? - Yeah.
- Kimberly? - Hi.
- Hi, come in, how are you? - Yes, good thanks.
- Great to see you.
It's good to see you too.
Hi.
This is um, this is DI Sleet.
Treat her with kid gloves, yes? - I'll leave you to get to know each other.
- Thank you.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Oh, so DI Sleet.
- Your name is? - Kimberly, Kimberly Wyatt.
Take a chair.
So I noticed a little twang to your accent.
What are you - Dutch, Welsh? - American.
- American? - Yeah.
- Wow.
Well, I never, that's pretty impressive.
- Is it? - Have you always been American? Yeah, since the day I was born.
I used to have an old partner, you know? Yeah, she was like you.
She was just like you - a sweet, sweet pretty thing.
- Mm-hmm.
- Blonde and bouncy, reliable and friendly.
With a big wet nose.
Old Bonnie.
Are you referring to me as a dog? No, no, I'm referring to you as a brilliant partner.
This was the best officer I ever worked with.
- Man's best friend.
- Do you know what happened to Bonnie? What happened to Bonnie? We got sent on a mission to Colombia, take down a big cartel.
She went undercover as an Alsatian.
I sprained my ankle pretty badly.
Bonnie went in alone.
They shot her? Yes, they shot her.
Oi, big boy, try pulling your dick out of your arsehole, yes? Ah, sir, there's a lady here, can you please watch your language? Fuck off! Sorry.
Is that Bonnie? Yeah, it is sir, it's sweet Bonnie.
I would like you to get down to forensics as quick as possible please, Sleet.
There's been a murder - Dr Wayne Rooney.
- Yes.
- Well.
Looks like the pheasant's come home to roost.
- You ready to go and solve a crime? - I'm ready.
- Come on.
Oh, grab my cushion and, er, my deodorant.
- OK.
There we go.
'Time to see pathologist, Lana Del Rey.
'She was a sweet kid, 'but about as sociable as a North Korean traffic warden.
' Ha, well, ha-ha, hello.
It's good of you to show up.
You were meant to be here an hour ago.
Yes, sorry about that.
Hey, why don't you open the curtains in here, or have the moths sewn them shut? So you can't open them any more? That's why it's so dark anddingy in here.
Just I'm having a joke with you, just trying to create a vibe.
I'm a little too busy for your humour, Sleet.
Do you want to have the honour? Ah ha, sure.
I'd love the honour.
Get right in there.
Is there a reason why you've got my victim all wrapped up like a chicken shawarma? Oh, it's beautiful, isn't it? Oh, uh-huh.
He was like this when they found him.
Quite a remarkable death.
- Yeah, it's - I rather envy him.
Look at it.
Well, I think that's a bit weird and creepy.
- Kimberly, have you got some questions you wanted to ask? - Yep.
Um, how did Dr Wayne Rooney die? He seems to have died from asphyxiation.
Very interesting.
Whoever did this used their hands and worked very quickly.
You know, I wouldn't bet against our murderer having some kind of, um, RSI.
RSI? That's some sort of bank savings thing, right? It's Repetitive Strain Injury.
Dr Rooney was found performing an onanistic convenience transaction.
Can you say that in English, please? Yeah, English, please.
He was masturbating in the toilets.
What? Um, Kimberly, can you just For a second, just cover your ears, please.
Can you die from that? Can you Can you die from that? Is that actually something that can kill you? Can it? Don't look, close Can you die from this? No.
- No? - No.
But if somebody I knew was doing it, three or four times a day Hey! Pussy-Puss, you're not meant to have heard it.
- Don't write any of that down.
- Right.
I guess we'd better hot-tail it down to the hospital and try and solve this thing.
Lana, we'll see you soon.
- Bye, Lana.
- Yeah.
Do you think you'll see her again, maybe go out for a coffee or something? I hope not.
'Three suspects were in the vicinity at the time of the murder.
'First up, Nurse Adele, Rooney's lady-friend.
'Most murders are committed by a loved one, 'which makes me indestructible.
'Hmm.
' Don't you worry, now listen darling, try not to move too much, because these bandages will fall off and you'll most likely get a very fatal disease.
All right? Tickle tickle! Oh, hello.
How can I help you merry souls on this fine day? Well, I'm DI Sleet, Successville Homicide.
Oh, where are my manners? This is my new partner, Kimberly Wyatt.
- Lovely to meet you.
- By partner, I mean, partner just at work.
Colleagues, not anything else.
We aren't sleeping together, we're not even really friends.
We're just working together and Not that I hold anything against or think less of people who do have sex with work friends, er, like you 'Ere, he's all fingers and thumbs, isn't he, eh? I hope he's not like that in the bedroom! Ha-ha! - Ha-ha, she wouldn't know, as I said.
We've never - No, no, of course.
We haven't, she will never find out, unless she's open-minded and Now, listen, what can I help you with today? Come on, what are you here for? Well, we're just stopping by, my sweet buttercup, just to um have a general chat really, about Dr Wayne Rooney.
Oh, I could chat about him all day.
He's the love of my life, the man of my dreams, the one and only.
We've just got a puppy and we've called him Adeleayne, which is like an amalgamation of both of our names.
'Ere, he's all right, isn't he? Don't worry, Buttercup, he is absolutely fine.
He's never been better.
He's in great health.
Er, can you give me five minutes or seconds, actually.
Probably won't even be a minute, could be even 30 seconds.
Just need to talk to Kimberly about something.
It's police work, don't worry about it.
Ain't you funny? Course you can, Mr Bungerly-Wungerly.
Listen, um Well, this is proving to be quite difficult.
She's quite a hard nut to crack.
- Sleet, you lied to her.
- I didn't lie to her.
- You did.
- I didn't tell her the truth, but I didn't lie.
- Hmm - I just haven't said anything about it at the moment.
Hmm.
Listen, you need to tell Nurse Adele that Dr Wayne Rooney is - Dead? - No.
Don't you dare say that word.
- Strictly prohibited within the police.
- Why? We're not allowed to say it any more, people freak the hell out.
- I'm going to have a look around for some evidence.
- OK.
- Listen, the main thing is, just enjoy yourself.
- OK.
- OK? - All right.
- See you in - Thanks, Sleet! There was definitely something about pavements in it, but I just can't remember now, isn't that funny, eh? Fun, eh? Going to be all right, ain't you? Nurse Adele? Oh, hello, Kimberly, love, how are you? I don't have the best of news to share with you.
Oh, are you not enjoying your job? Well, there's part of my job that I don't really enjoy doing, - that I've never really done before.
- Oh, we all have those bits.
Sometimes he shits himself and I've got to clean it up.
You know, we've all got those bits that we don't like doing, you know? But sometimes, you've got to clean the shit up.
So, Dr Wayne Rooney Oh, you know, my heart goes fluttery every time you say his name.
I don't think you'll You won't be seeing him again.
He's no longer with us.
Kimberly, what are you trying to say, darling? If you were married, you would be a widow.
Sorry, this is confusing me a little bit.
I'm saying that he'she's passed.
But I don't understand quite what you're trying to tell me.
- I'm trying to say that - Spit it out.
You won't be seeing him again.
Are you trying to tell Wuh You Wuh Ah Ah Are you trying? Wuh Are you trying to say? Are you trying to tell me? Ah! Hmm.
Is that what's Wuh! Is that what's going on, Kimberly? - Are you telling me? - Yes, no .
.
that my Wayne is dead? I'm going to fall over, Kimberly.
Why are you laughing, Kimberly?! - I'm not laughing.
- Did you? Oh, Kimberly, it hurts so much! Argh, Kimberly, you're going to have to hold me! I don't know how to cope with it.
- Wah! - Hey, hey, what the hell is going on here?! Hey, hey, hey, what did you say? What did you say to her? I told her what you told me to say without saying it.
From what I can see, you've Did you say the word "dead"? - No.
- Tell me, did you say the word "dead"? - I didn't say the word "dead"! - Was the word "dead" mentioned? - No! - Did anyone say "dead" in here? - She, she said "dead".
I didn't Well done! Looks like I'm going to have to clear this dog shit up.
Hey, hey, get up, up! - I don't think that's the way to - Get up.
Get off, get off me! - Get off me! - No, don't! - Get off me! Up, get up! Get up! Get up! Get up now! Up.
What kind of animal are you? I'm not here to play "guess the animal", although it is a really fun game to play Listen, I'm here to solve a murder case - a murder that I think was committed by a cranky, weird witch.
I'm talking about you, by the way.
Look what I found.
Wait till you read this, her diary.
Read.
"I love Dr Rooney so much, I could squeeze him to death.
" "Squeeze him to death.
" Sound like murder talk, Wyatt? Sounds like murder talk.
You were my friend.
We've never met before.
You going to arrest me, or what? - Well, we - We don't have any evidence We can't actually arrest you.
We were hoping that if we sort of went pretty tough on you and Well, when you got really upset, you might just confess to the whole thing.
Get out! I think she wants us to leave.
- Get out! - Well, yeah, well Better be off.
Um, I hope you get well soon.
Um - Yeah.
- Shall we go? Well, this went a lot better than I thought it would.
'Time to kill two birds with one break.
'Dr Obama was my friend, my bum doctor and a suspect in the case.
'Hey, that's three birds!' Oh, er Do come in.
Come in, please.
Come in, Kimberly.
Go on, we're all grown-ups here.
- Are you OK there? - Yes, I'm fine, this is Dr Obama.
He's just having a quick look at my arsehole.
- Hmm.
- So, yeah.
Just giving it a little check out.
He's a dear, dear friend of mine.
Sadly, your er Your name has come up in the case that we are researching, - a murder case.
- Oh.
- Yes, yes.
- And I'm afraid I! Eh! I have to ask you a couple of routine questions.
Hey, that's OK, buddy.
I'm happy to help.
Um, Kimberly, would you mind asking thequestions? - Um, Dr Obama - Yeah? When was the last time you saw Dr Wayne Rooney? Um, I'm not quite sure.
A few A few days ago.
- A few days ago? - Yeah.
Argh! Dig a little deeper.
- Deep enough? - I was talking to Kimberly.
- Oh! Sorry, big man.
Is it painful? Yeah, he's got his fingers right up my arse.
This is disgusting.
Please, continue, Kimberly.
Er Dr Obama, what was your relationship to the victim? Well, I wouldn't call it a relationship.
Not like this.
You know, I employed him.
In fact, he was one of the worst doctors this hospital has ever seen.
So I always tended to give him A wide berth.
Ugh! Uh This is a little awkward, Sleet.
I'm sorry, is there any more questions before? There's one more.
Dr Obama, do you have a murderous grudge against Dr Wayne Rooney? What the hell is going on here, Sleet?! Jesus! It was her words, not mine.
- Now put your clothes on, we're done here.
- Oh, dear.
Goddammit! Listen, Obama .
.
a man's lying dead and rumours around the Met are you had beef with him.
Real beef.
That goddamn son of a bitch held this hospital back every day.
That's right, every day! You know, if you want something done around here, you have to do it yourself.
- Well, OK.
- Now, get the hell out of my office! Kimberly, my golf clubs, please.
Get them.
Yeah.
Not the bag, the bag's his.
Just the clubs.
- All of them? - That's right, take that shit! No, not the bag, just Kimberly, stop playing around.
Be careful with the bag, now.
Make as much of a mess of the bag as you want to.
- You touch that bag - Hey, hey, hey! You leave her alone! My arse is the last thing you'll be touching today.
But you're going somewhere where everyone touches arses.
You're going to prison.
That's where your arse-fingering skills will come into play, when you're fingering your cell mates What are you doing?! OK, this is distracting! Yeah, it's distracting to us both.
Wyatt, stop being so silly.
Come on, they're golf clubs, goddammit! Kimberly, Kimberly, also grab my book about fine French cheeses, and wines and other French stuff.
Yeah, take that shit! I never liked it anyway! - Oh, really?! - No.
- Well, I brought I searched for ages for that book! - Well, it didn't have no pictures on it.
- No? - It only had words, and I don't read.
- Oh, I'm sorry, Doctor! I assumed that you had a higher IQ than a buffoon.
No, if you're going to buy me a book, buy me a book with pictures, Goddammit! Well, if I was still your friend and I didn't hate your guts, I'd buy you a book with b Words and pictures.
Well, it's a good thing you can't get the words out of your mouth right now! - Well, you know what I can get out of my mouth? - What's that? - That, spit.
There, I spat on your floor.
- You spat on my floor?! - Yeah, I spat right on your - You spat on my floor! I dare you to spit on the floor again! Well, I'm not going to do it now, because want me to do it.
- Spit on the floor! - I'm not going to do it because you want - Spit on the floor! Spit on the floor! Look, I just spat on the floor! - Yeah, I did it, too.
- I've just spat on the floor! - Yeah, we both spat.
It's my floor! If anyone's going to spit on my floor, it's me! - Well, OK.
- Goddammit! - Why don't you spit on the floor? - Spit on the floor! - Spit on the floor! - Spit on the floor! - Spit on the floor, Wyatt! - Spit on the Goddamn floor! - Wyatt, on the floor! - Right there, right there! - KIMBERLY LAUGHS Pft - Sleet, that's pathetic! - Yeah? We're out of here! - Yeah, get out of here! - I've seen enough! I have to get my clothes, get my clothes.
Carry these, too.
Good girl, good sweet girl.
That's right.
Yeah.
Kimberly, stop being silly.
We'll see you around, when this case comes to a close! Get the door.
This is really awkward now, Sleet.
Oh, yeah? That's awkward, huh? Come on, let's go.
What are you doing? - Your mother! - Yeah, yours, your mother! Come on, what are you doing? Wyatt, hurry up.
Yeah, see you around! - We'll see you around, Obama! - Good! Get out of here! Son of a bitch! Let's get ourselves a seat and go through what we've learnt.
All right.
You can't beat a hospital chair.
Listen, Wyatt.
I've spoken to the poindexters at High Tech and I've got these.
It's snaps of footage from the CCTV outside the hospital toilets.
That's almost certainly Rooney's killer.
It's a girl.
Yeah, or some prick in a wig.
Mm - and a skirt.
Yeah, it's kind of weird.
What? Oh, these are just just some snaps that I've got for dating.
- Um - I'm just putting myself back out there, back on the market.
I thought I'd take some sexy avant-garde snaps of myself.
Wow! What does that have to do with me? Well, you're a girl, I believe.
So, I was going to see if you could run your sweet eyes over them and see what you thought.
Which ones really got you going? Well, that one's a That one's pretty special.
Does it leave you breathless? I don't know if "breathless" would be the word I'd use.
Do you like it? Yeah.
OK, so you think I should have that one as my dating profile? Yeah, do you want me to set you one up? I could set it up online.
- Wellreally, would you? - Yeah.
- What would you say about me? I would say, "A tall dark and handsome man is looking for love.
" Ah, shall we go and try and solve a crime? - Yes.
Let's get back to work.
- Let's do it.
'There was only one more person on the ward at the time of the murder - 'eminent surgeon Bob Geldof, which left us with two questions: 'How will we get inside the operating theatre 'and what the heck did "eminent" mean?' Bingo! Meet Valerie Fannington, the new you.
You're going to go undercover, see what you make of Geldof.
- Mm-hmm.
- You ready for this? - I think so.
- I think we're going to have to work on your voice.
You're meant to be a head surgeon.
Can you do a Mary Poppins impression? - Hello, my name is Valerie.
- .
.
Fannington.
- .
.
Fannington.
- That's very good.
Where shall I change? Well, not here in the corridor, because then everyone would see you.
What about this little dark room here? - Yeah.
- I'll watch out and make sure that no-one else sees you.
All right.
thanks, Sleet.
Any time, milady.
All right, where do you think the best place to start on this fella is, Dr Murray? Well, I always trust your opinion, of course, but I should say you'd go directly into For Christ's sake! Did nobody teach you how to knock?! I do know how to knock, but I just didn't think it was necessary.
OK, so help me on with my gloves, will you, Dr Fannington? My hands are worth too much fucking money for me to be fannying about putting them on myself! Come on, would you hurry up there? In the time that you have taken to do this, I could have built a water station in Africa! Clear! Great, that's fantastic.
Did you use to work in Customs? Have you done full body cavity searches before? - You see that? - Well done, Fannington.
- Quick fix.
- Well done.
- Yeah.
Let's do the other one, shall we? Great stuff.
OK, Dr Murray, would you explain to amateur Amy here exactly what we're supposed to be doing to this worthless, bloody waste of space patient here.
Yeah, it's actually a really tricky liver transplant, but er, yeah, I'm pretty confident, because Dr Geldof here is a formidable surgeon, which is obviously great for the patient.
Christ! All right, would you listen to that voice? It's like working with a bloody washing machine! OK, before we start, we're going to have to know exactly what surgical implements we need.
So first of all, pass me the intramedullary kinetic bone distractor.
OK, Dr Fannington, I don't know who the fuck you are, but you are certainly not a surgeon, that's for sure! I'm as much of a surgeon as you are.
Put the scalpel down and put the kettle on! Shit's about to get detective-y.
For God's sake, you can't just come barging in here! I'm about to perform a liver transplant, or something equally as difficult! I'm not here for a social visit.
- Nice! - I'm here about a murder case.
This isn't Valerie Fannington.
This is Kimberly Wyatt - and she's no surgeon.
And she's not even posh.
No, that's for sure.
Hey, let's get back to the case.
What do you want to know, then? Dr Geldof, did you know that Dr Rooney was re-training to be a surgeon? Were you worried about having competition? Listen, there's only one head surgeon around here and he's in my bloody underpants.
You've got that right! That cretin couldn't operate a bucket of shite without a label on the handle.
Hey, just watch it round the pretty lady! Just tell me what you want to know, you great big bloody bulbous bloody round eejit! Oh, I see.
You're playing the insult card.
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, you see your face? - Mm-hmm? - It's all bent out of shape, like a kid's been playing with Play-Doh, but they don't know how to make good shapes and they've come up with your stupid face.
You see that thing that on top of your On top of your body, there? - Yeah, my head.
- Your potato.
- Oh, really? - That's right.
Your potato.
You look like, um.
.
What's it called, um? Mr Potato Head? No! Um, a prick! Oh, right, yeah.
You know your hair? - Yeah.
- You look like you brush your hair with a greasy old pork chop.
- Oh, really? - You like when you've finished brushing your hair with the pork chop, you eat it and then you French kiss a dog.
- You know what, you are like - No, I'll tell you what, - it's my go, it's my go - No, no, you look like Because you've got that moustache on, you look like the bloke out of The Joy Of Sex, but who's put on about 13st.
So you wouldn't get in the book any more.
You'd be like the obese version of that.
So, you'd look like a pair of sausages slamming home into another sausage.
I actually think we should start thinking about continuing with the operation, on the basis that the anaesthetic actually works within a specific timeframe, which will create time pressure problems if we don't get started.
Who in the name of golden hell is this boring piece of crap? Er, yeah, I'm Dr Andy Murray and I'm an anaesthetist.
- Christ almighty, what the hell?! - Basically I'm in charge of Pass me Would you pass me my cheese grater? Jesus Christ! Kimberly, just pinch me as hard as you can .
.
for any given operation that can vary Just so I can stay awake, keep pinching.
That's it.
Pinch me, Kimberly.
It's like he is literally pissing on my brain.
God, if you listen to his voice, it's enough to drive a man to murder! Oh, really? Very interesting.
It's an analogy, you eejit! As if I would be able to murder anybody! What does that mean? Oh, God! - Is he with us still? - No, the guy is The guy is gone.
So, if you don't mind, if you're not going to take me in, then would you get out and let me get on with my job? Yes, by all means.
Um, you won't tell anyone we were here, will you? Just pretend it was an accident.
All right, I'll deal with it.
Well, more than happy to give you this as a - As a bung? - Just say that we weren't here.
If you would.
Come on, let's go, Kimberly.
Ssh, quietly.
'So who killed Dr Rooney? 'Adele, Obama, Geldof? 'Time for Kimberly to see that 'life's not all sleep-overs and pillow fights.
'She was a cop now.
'We didn't sleep and we did our fighting with guns!' Do you think you know who killed Dr Wayne Rooney? I know who the murderer is.
You need to shout out the killer into this.
Tell them to come out with their hands high and say, "No funny business.
" - No funny business.
- If they try any funny business, - you're going to have to take the shot.
- OK.
- Ready? - I'm ready.
Would it be weird if we kissed before this? It would be weird.
We shouldn't.
No kisses.
OK, fine.
Just trying to throw it out there.
Do it.
Dr Bob Geldof, come out with your hands above your head! - And no funny business! - Get your gun ready.
Steady, steady - There he is.
- Steady.
Steady He's going for something, take the shot! I've still got so much to do! He ain't got nothing to do but die.
Did it.
How do you feel? Well, I'm just hoping it's the right guy.
- Ha, yeah, I'm pretty sure it is.
- Really? Do you feel confident it's the right guy? - I do, I feel confident.
- First killing? - Yeah, first killing.
- Well done.
- What's that?! What's that?! - Oh, it's the Chief.
Who's responsible for this, please? One Kimberly Wyatt, sir.
Kimberly Wyatt, why? Cos he's a murderer.
- "Cos he's a murderer?" - Yes.
What How Explain yourself.
- There was one particular clue, it's the RSI.
- .
.
Syndrome.
.
.
Syndrome, and er, Dr Geldof was unable to use his hands.
He had to I had to put his gloves on and he had motive, he was jealous.
So, he definitely is the murderer.
Um, Kimberly, you've blown me away by how stupid you are.
Oh, no.
You just shot an innocent civilian.
- No! - Yes, yes.
The killer was Obama! Of course it was Obama.
- Really? - Yes, really.
- No way.
- Why? You should have known, Dr Geldof wasn't injured.
His hands were precious, because he told you My hands are worth too much fucking money for me to be fannying about putting them on myself! He would never have risked them by bandaging a victim elaborately.
You stay here and listen to this! Yes? I got it wrong.
The problem was, Dr Obama, yes, had a wrist support in his office.
You saw it.
It was next to the cheese book.
- It was.
- Yes, yes, it was.
- It was.
The hospital was failing, that's why he decided to bump Rooney off, because Rooney was a notoriously shit surgeon, yes? You witnessed some CCTV footage.
Yes? You saw what looked like a nurse going into the crime scene.
That nurse's outfit was hanging on a stand in his office.
- Oh, damn.
- Hmm.
- What have you got to say for yourself? I'm really upset.
You're really upset? You're fired! Go home.
And you, you flaccid weeble-wobble - go home, too! I'm sick of the sight of you.
Why am I so weepy?! Uh-oh.
We got it wrong.
- Hey.
- I feel bad.
Don't you dare feel bad about it, I don't want to see you cry, it'll break my goddamn heart.
- Listen, we might not be colleagues any more - Aw.
but we're friends, right? - Yeah.
- Come on you, let's go and get a drink.
And you know, if maybe we have one drink too many and end up having sex, I won't tell your husband about it.
- Sleet - What? We won't be having sex.
OK, fair enough.
Is that definite? Go Your Own Way by Fleetwood Mac