S#*! My Dad Says s01e05 Episode Script

And another thing is, this farmers market is set up perfectly for a free cheese sandwich, because the bread stand is right near the entrance, so you go in there, you hit up the bread guy for a free bread sample, then you get an olive oil sample, you get some feta cheese, and then you throw some figs on there, so to recap: bread, olive oil, feta, figs.
B-o-o-f-f.
Vince! It's 5:30 in the morning.
What kind of insane person is happy at 5:30 in the morning? Hello, ladies! Who's ready for the farmers market? Me! If we're not out of here in the next half-hour, all the good produce will be picked over.
It's 5:30 a.
M.
Who's picking over produce? Owls and crackheads? Hardly likely, Henry.
It's a produce market.
Owls consume mice, crackheads consume crack, and unlike you, they have a clear purpose.
Let's go.
What's that? It's coffee.
What's it doing in my cup? Well, dad, this is a french roast, so I assume it's surrendering to the Germans.
Save your sarcasm, Henry, for the big-boned desperate co-eds at last call.
That's my cup.
I've used that cup every day since medical school.
You took it without asking.
That's a clear violation of my rules.
I have to ask you before I use your coffee cup? You have to ask me before you use my anything.
Those are the rules.
You broke the rules, you get nothing.
Who's ready for some family fun? Ah, there, you see? I told you.
All the best produce has been picked over.
Look at this apricot.
The last time I saw something this wrinkled and orange, I was asking a Floridian to cough.
This looks good.
If that squash were any uglier, your brother would have tried to sleep with it in college.
You are a delightful curmudgeon.
Henry! - Josh! - Doc? Hey, what's up, buddy? I stopped by your place last week.
I heard you were back in town.
Yeah.
It's a long story.
Got fired from his job, came to live with me.
The end.
I guess it's not that long.
So what are you doing here, man? Oh, got a call.
Some old guy had a heart attack while he was setting up his stand.
That must be so rewarding saving people's lives.
- He died.
- Wow! Hey, Henry.
Check out my melons.
Vince, come on, you don't want to be that guy.
You have a wife.
Hey, henry, check out my nuts.
Oh! Oh ho ho! Hey, Josh.
Bonnie.
Josh.
Bonnie.
Henry? Come on, Vince, let's go.
Josh, it was nice humping in-- Bumping--ahem-- bumping into you.
Vince, let's just go.
Come on.
Damn! Check out the flower girl.
Looks like somebody might need some medical attention.
Do not even look at her.
I've been working on this for weeks.
I love you.
You're my buddy, But go away.
Hey, Zoey.
Hey! Steve.
Oh, it's Henry, but whatever.
Are those gladiolas? They are.
Very good.
They're gorgeous.
Can I grab a bunch? Sure thing.
Isn't it a little hot out for a down vest? Yeah, when I got here this morning, it was, like, 47 degrees.
My dad likes to get here, in his words, "Before the last hookers go home.
" Don't misquote me.
I said "ugly hookers.
" This is my dad.
Hello.
What the hell are you doing in my shirt? It was in the attic.
I needed a shirt.
I didn't think it would be a big deal.
Did you not remember the discussion we had this morning about borrowing my stuff without asking? Do you think we can have this discussion when Zoey's not here? We can have this discussion anytime you want, but I want you out of that shirt right now.
Zoey.
You are not gonna make me take this shirt off right here, right now.
Never been more humiliated in my life.
Oh, really? What about the time you got your balls stuck to an ice cube tray? That wasn't an accident.
I was trying something with a curling iron, But that is not the point.
Dad, I like Zoey.
Why did you have to do that to me? I didn't do it to you.
You did it to yourself.
You broke my rules.
Rules are not children.
You just can't throw them out when they become a pain in the ass! It's only a shirt.
No, it's a principle.
I live my life by my principles.
That's called being a man.
That's what I'm trying to teach you.
I've given up trying to get you to pee standing up, so it's all I got left.
It was one time.
It was in the morning, I was tired, and you can't tell me that you've never broken one of your rules ever.
I can, I haven't, and I will.
I have never broken one of my rules, ever.
Never mind.
I'm gonna go change.
I look like a gay lobsterman.
I just don't remember acting weirdly.
No, you were acting weird.
You always act weird around Josh.
Of course she acts weird around him.
- She and Josh - Bah bah bah! Fooled around.
Oh, my god! Do you not know what "Bah bah bah" means? It all sounds like "Bah bah bah" when you talk.
Wait.
You fooled around with josh? It was ten years ago.
It was before we even started dating.
How come you didn't tell me? It wasn't a big deal! He was 20, I was 20 plus some.
It doesn't matter! It doesn't matter.
Tell him Ed.
It doesn't seem to matter to some women, But men are territorial animals.
And especially when that territory's been sprayed by the musk of another beast.
Anyway, I hope that helps.
Don't listen to him.
Does anybody else know about this? - No one.
- I do! Maybe Henry.
I can't believe this.
Honey, it meant nothing.
It was a long time ago.
I don't even remember it.
It was before I met the love of my life.
Gary.
No, honey, you.
You are the love-- Josh and I were just a one time thing.
I don't even lick him anymore.
I don't like him.
I don't like--hon! I don't--aah! It's funny! It's funny! Hey, dad, have you seen my Padres jacket? I can't find it.
Want to go over to Lucy's Pub and watch the game.
Didn't see it.
Well, it's not upstairs andit's not in this closet.
Did you maybe put it somewhere? Son, if you actually managed to put an article of your clothing in the closet, I wouldn't touch it.
I'd grab a shotgun, a roll of toilet paper, and get a head start on the apocalypse.
Ah.
Okay, well, the jacket's brown and gold.
It's got an "SD" on the front.
Could you just think for a second if you've seen it? Doc? Thanks for the tomatoes.
This isn't a show about anatomy.
It's a bunch of whiny doctors who bang each other.
Hey, doc, it's kind of chilly out there, and I forgot my jacket at the station.
Can I borrow one? If it doesn't look like a fishing vest, it's all yours.
Ah, I'll just take this brown and gold one.
I didn't see it.
Okay, well, I just thought that since you and I are the only two people that live here maybe you took it by accident.
Then again, you'd never break one of your own rules.
That's right.
I don't share.
You must have been incredibly popular in kindergarten.
My kindergarten was spent in the tobacco fields working for cigarettes.
I was very popular, by the way.
Hello, Josh? It's 5:45 p.
m.
On a Thursday, October 21, 2010.
This is Ed Goodson, And I want to talk to you about a jacket.
To be more specific, it's 5:47 p.
m.
Sorry.
Hey, doc, what you doin'? Oh, good! Did you bring the jacket? Oh, here you go.
That's not Henry's jacket.
Yeah, but this one's got a hidden pocket to stash your pottery barn coupons.
Why would I need to stash my pottery barn coupons? I need the jacket! Where is it? Uh, well, I got a call.
This dude fell in the river fishing.
Yeah, he was freezing, so I put Henry's jacket on him to keep him from going into shock, and, uh, I left him in it in the E.
R.
Damn it.
Did you get a name? Yep, and I got his number and address.
It's right next to my bag of weeding tools.
That's ridiculous.
Who uses a bag for their weeding tools? I need the jacket! Get it.
I made a big stink about my not breaking any of my rules.
I can't have Henry running around thinking that I'm some kind of a hypocrite.
That's gonna be a problem.
Why is that? The guy died.
Damn it.
Why do bad things always happen to me? - Hey.
- Dude.
What's up, buddy? Aw, I'm really sorry I lost your baseball jacket.
I'm sorry.
You lost my baseball jacket? I needed a jacket the other day, and your dad let me borrow yours.
Oh, Henry! Hi, dad.
Any chance you see Josh on your way in? No.
Why? No reason.
Say, dad, I've been thinking about what happened at the farmers market.
You know, about me taking something of yours without asking you.
It's all been dealt with, Henry.
No use beating a dead whore.
I believe the expression is "Dead horse.
" What kind of sicko would beat a dead horse? Anyway, you're right.
Rules are rules.
I mean, you would never break one of your rules.
Why should I be allowed to? So I'd like to say I'm sorry.
Apology is accepted.
I just can't believe I lost that jacket.
Oh, it's just a jacket.
Forget about it.
Yeah, it could be worse.
Hey, I had a buddy who lost his eyebrows in a grease fire.
Couldn't tell whether he was surprised or suspicious.
I just love that jacket.
I can't just let it go.
You know what? - I think I know where it is.
- You do? - Yeah.
I bet Josh has it.
- he does? I might as well ask him tomorrow.
Tomorrow? Oh, that's good.
Why don't you go wash up, and I'll get dinner started.
Hello, Josh.
Time is 5:52, Friday October 22, 2010.
I need the dead man's contact information.
Morning, sweetie.
How'd you sleep? Not at all.
Every time I shut my eyes, I just saw you and josh getting it on.
There it is, there it is, there it is.
- There it is.
- I get it, I get it.
You are making a big deal out of this, much bigger than it actually was.
Not according to my brain.
I need you to tell me everything you did with him.
Vince, why are you torturing yourself? Please, just honey Tell me every detail.
Honey, I don't even remember, it was so long ago.
You know what? Actually, the only thing I do remember is that he was a horrible kisser.
You, my love, are a much better kisser than he was.
Does that make you feel any better? No.
So I just said that I thought you might have it, and I went upstairs.
Whoo-hoo.
I bet he was freaking out.
Yeah, like when I dared you to put your balls against that ice cube tray? No, Josh.
Not like that.
Ohanyway.
He sounded a little edgy when he asked for the dead guy's address.
The dead what now? Hi.
Can I help you? This, uh, may not be the best time.
I'm sorry for your loss.
And the reason I'm here-- Are you a relative? Well, I mean, we're all related in some way, right? Bunch of monkeys banged each other a few thousand years ago, and here we are.
I apologize.
The service is for family only.
I understand.
Can I just rummage through some of Louie's belongings? No.
What's your name, sir? Ed.
- You're ed? - Oh, my god.
We didn't think you would come.
- I'm Shelley.
- Steve.
- Ed.
- Hi! I can't believe I'm finally meeting you.
Our father always insisted that you remain anonymous.
He said you wanted it that way.
And--and--and still do.
This is probably a good reason for me to just look through his closet, and I'll be on my way.
No, no, no, no.
You've come this far.
It's time we end the secrecy, Ed.
Oh, my god! We were all very supportive of my father, Even though his was a lifestyle some of us had trouble relating to.
But no one understood sweet Louie better than this man right here.
This man here was the hand my father would hold He was the shoulder he would cry on.
He was the warm body on the other side of a loving embrace.
I was a what now? My father's longtime companion.
Everyone, this is Ed.
We would love it if you'd say a few words.
No, no, no.
Thank you very much.
I-I don't think I should-- Cheese and crackers.
They buried him in the baseball jacket! You recognize it? I do, I do.
Is this jacket meaningful to you? Oh, it is, it is! Please, we want to know more about your relationship.
Please share.
It'll help us gain closure.
Uh, details.
Uh, well, yes.
There is a, uh unique and lovely, um bond That two men forge when engaged in, um mantercourse.
What are you talking about? I thought you were just his alcoholics anonymous sponsor.
Well, that's the way it started.
And then itblossomed into something more.
That's impossible.
My father loved women.
Yes.
But he had so much love that he had love left over to give to men.
Excuse me.
Henry.
Zoey, what are you doing here? I did the flowers.
I thought that was your dad giving the eulogy.
The eulogy? Yeah, he's speaking.
I'm so sorry about your loss.
I-I just can't believe this is happening.
Well, let us not dwell on the secret homosexual life Between me and Sweet Louie.
Oh, dear god.
You are so sweet to come here and support your dad.
Your big, gay dad! Yeah, I need to stop this.
Oh.
Just let him grieve.
It's okay to be sad, Henry.
Do you feel like you need to mourn? Yes.
I should not be alone right now.
Okay.
How can this be? We shared a woman in peru.
Steve! I just watched.
Yes, he told me about that, but II forgave him.
Let us close our eyes and have a moment of silence.
Close your eyes.
Keep 'em closed.
Grieving, remembering the good times While I say to Sweet Louie the way he would've wanted.
Louie! Now we'll count back from ten the way Louie and I used to before we commenced tickling.
Ten, nine, eight, Seven, six, five, four Sorry I'm late.
I'm Ed.
I was Louie's sponsor.
Ed.
They'll be surprised to see you.
- Hey, dad.
- Hey! There's your jacket.
You're welcome.
Oh! You found my jacket.
- Mm-hmm.
- where was it? In a large wooden box.
Well, I, uh I hope you didn't go through too much trouble.
Not too much.
- Vince, wait! - Look, I'm sorry, Bonnie.
I can't let this go.
Sweetie, I already told you it meant nothing.
He was a horrible kisser.
It was like kissing a dead fish.
You have nothing to be threatened by.
I've already made up my mind, okay? I'm gonna handle this.
Vince, what are you gonna do? Gonna settle it man to man.
- Josh.
- Vince! What's up, dude-- You're right.
Lips like a halibut.
Let's get out of here.
That's bizarre.
I don't know.
I thought it was kind of sweetLouie.