My Family (2000) s01e05 Episode Script

- Anybody home? - (Susan) What? - I said, anybody home? - Can't hear you.
I'm upstairs.
- Never mind.
- What? I'm putting away the washing.
- Never mind.
Forget it.
- (Susan) What did you get? (Janey) Why are you shouting? (Susan) Stop shouting.
Your father won't stop mumbling.
I don't mumble.
I've got adenoids.
(Susan) If I'm so annoying, fold your own bloody clothes.
- (Janey) I hate this house! - (Door slams) - Hello, Dad.
- Good luck, Michael.
(Michael) Anybody home? (Susan) What's going on? - I'm not your slave.
- (Nick) Is Mike back yet? Sad thing is, these are the best years of your life.
- Morning, Mr H.
- What's happened to my surgery? I rearranged a few things.
Your chi was in a very bad place.
No, my chi is fine, whatever that is.
Chi is your life-force energy.
Feng shui says we can change our environment to attain happiness.
- Excuse us, Mr Shui.
- No, that's Mr Ashcroft.
Feng shui is the Chinese practice of creating a positive energy flow.
I don't want my energy to flow.
I prefer it to remain static.
- Where's my stool? - That had to go.
It was oozing negativity.
Brigitte, in case you hadn't noticed, this isn't China.
This is England, and in England we like routine.
We don't like change.
So change everything back and leave my chi alone.
My two favourite words in the English language are status quo.
If nothing happens, nothing can go wrong.
Why is this chair facing the other way around? If the patient's feet face the door, it means death.
I like my chair facing the door.
If it means losing a few patients, so be it.
Good, you're home.
I need you to open this.
- No kiss? No, "How was your day?" - How was your day? Open.
- Smells good.
- I haven't started cooking.
That explains it.
Is it arsenic or cyanide that smells like almonds? I don't know.
Anything would help.
This girl, Brigitte, is totally bizarre.
She has decided to feng shui my entire surgery.
- She's only trying to help.
- She is not helping.
- She actually moved my chair.
- Ah, the she-devil! - How was your day? - Fine.
Then a man in my group was robbed in the Houses of Parliament.
You shouldn't take them to high-crime areas.
I spent the whole afternoon at the police station.
The crime in this city is out of control.
- Don't start that again.
- Mrs Hapshaw was mugged.
Mrs Hapshaw was in Florida on holiday.
And number eight across the street.
They've put bars on their windows.
Course they did.
Their kids look like apes.
Whatever you're cooking, it smells great.
- I haven't started cooking.
- It must be Dad's aftershave.
You smell beautiful, Dad.
Very manly.
Lucky woman.
I think he might want something.
Yes, but how can you tell? - The answer is no.
- What? "What?" You were going to ask me for money, weren't you? - How do you? - How did I? - I was just sitting here.
- Ah, good.
Besides, I don't want you to give me any money.
I want to borrow it and pay you back.
- You don't have to laugh.
- I'm terribly sorry.
As I was saying, I'll pay you back.
- Have you finished? - Not quite, no.
No, I've finished.
OK.
Next.
- I want to borrow some money.
- No.
Don't you want to know why? Because you haven't got a job? - I want to buy a car.
- No.
Every time I ask for money, you say no.
You're beginning to see the pattern.
If you want money, get a job.
I need to buy a car to drive around to find a job.
- You see the problem.
- I'm looking at it.
- Is that a yeah? - It's a, erm - (Chuckles) - Wicked, Dad.
I'll pay you back when I'm about 30.
- What's this for? - Bus fare.
- (Doorbell) - (Susan) Someone get that.
- You're taller.
- You're older.
- I'll stop the cheque.
- I'm frightened.
When I was a boy, 70p meant something.
You could buy yourself out of the dragoons.
- Hello, Mrs Harper.
- God, she knows where I live! Sorry to disturb your evening but I wanted to give you these.
Oh, but we haven't got you anything.
They're Tibetan cleansing stones.
Part of the ritual.
Should I do something with them? (Ben) Hit her with them! Your husband is like a toxic river.
- I get a lot of that.
- It needs to be dammed up.
Placing these outside the door might block the negative flow.
Will two stones be enough? We may need an entire wall.
I know.
I've more in the van.
Shall I get them? - We couldn't possibly - Don't worry, I bought in bulk.
Now I see why you've started coming home early.
- Well, I like her.
- Don't.
Don't even get that thought in your head.
- Why? - Even if it's only for a while, she works for me.
Well, even if it's only for a while, she works for me, too.
- Someone has stolen my van.
- Oh, that's awful! Oh, no.
Are you sure? You don't just misplace a 1974 psychedelic lime-green van with a portrait of Bob the Builder on it.
Although God knows, you must try.
Her car was stolen from here? No, not exactly from here.
It was sort of down the street.
It's the same thing.
This whole area's changing.
Once you could go out without worrying about your home.
Hm, and then we had children.
I've worked out the perfect job.
- Scarecrow.
- Surfer.
- Embarrassment.
- Stripper.
- I win.
- Like the Full Monty.
In your case it would be the half monty.
Laugh if you want but I've been practising my moves.
- Pretty sexy, eh? - Please let me tell him.
My stage name will be Nick Naked.
Oh, please! Can we change the subject? - OK.
The crime rate.
- Nick Naked's a wonderful name.
- Help me pick a costume.
- Back to you, Susan.
Come on, Dad.
It'll be fun.
Bit of shopping.
Picking out clothes.
Bit of male bonding.
Think of a proper job.
Don't you think I'm ashamed not making any money? - No.
- I might be one day.
So I've made a list of proper jobs.
Thinking ahead.
"Contestant on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.
" That's your list? If I make a million quid, - I never have to work again.
- That's "thinking ahead"? Well, I'm not a fanatic! I'm good.
Ask me some questions.
OK.
What is the most common crime committed in London? A) Assault, B) Armed robbery, C) Breaking and entering, - D) Car theft.
- Oh, let it drop, Susan.
Can I phone a friend? C) Breaking and entering.
Really? That's fascinating, Michael.
Do tell us more.
Over 60,000 houses were broken into last year.
- That's one every ten minutes.
- Hm.
Locksmith.
How much did Mummy pay you to come up with that, Michael? - Five quid.
- Informant.
Susan, we've never had any problems.
Then it's our turn.
I really think we should get an alarm.
- We don't need an alarm.
- We do.
I'll call them.
- Who wears the trousers here? - You do.
Only I get to choose which ones you wear.
(Jangling wind chimes) Oh, God.
Another day face down in the spit bowl of dentistry.
- Good morning, Mr H.
- No, it isn't.
If it was, I wouldn't be here.
I'd be in an alcoholic stupor in a villa in Rome.
This will cheer you up.
I found my van.
It was parked exactly where I left it.
Would you believe I could be so stupid? The funny thing is, it was there all along.
It wasn't even stolen! - So we don't need this alarm.
- Of course we do.
Are we still laughing at the same joke? If the joke is that we're getting the alarm, yes.
But it wasn't stolen so we don't need the alarm.
- It could have been.
- But it wasn't.
- But it could have been.
- All right.
Fine.
- Can't we agree to disagree? - Agreed.
I disagree.
Why do I think I won't win this? Because you're a perceptive and very wise man.
- Really? - Mm-hm.
Can't we sleep on it before you run off to buy anything? - We don't have to sleep.
- We don't have to sleep? - No.
- What else? Oh, of course.
Of course Mm.
- (Door slams) - What was that? - I thought you'd know by now.
- No! The noise.
A house is broken into every ten minutes.
Is it our ten minutes? I thought it was.
All right, I'm going, I'm going.
Don't go like that! You look like you just got out of bed.
What is the proper attire for confronting criminals? Shall I wear a tie? If I'm killed, don't forget to return the videos.
They're late.
It's your sense of humour I'll miss the most.
Janey? Michael? Nick? - Brian.
- We haven't got a Brian.
Who are you? I'm your new flatmate.
You're out of milk.
You said get a job.
I did.
I'm a landlord.
You're lacking one fundamental necessity for the job.
You've got no land to lord.
Nick, you can't sublet your room.
- Don't worry, he's gone.
- And his wife? Yeah.
His wife's gone, too.
- You can't rent out part of this house.
- OK.
- What about the tool shed? - No.
Back in a minute.
We're getting an alarm.
It'd be cheaper to get rid of Nick.
Dear, oh, dear me.
(Tuts) (Laughs) Oh! Nice-looking family you've got, Mrs Harper.
- Thank you.
- I'm surprised you've survived this long.
- Is it that bad? - Tents have better security.
Let's buy a tent, then.
Stop or you'll be sleeping in one.
I don't want to scare you but this place is a deathtrap.
- You're not serious.
- I am always serious.
We have lived here for eight years.
The only thing that's died here are my hopes and aspirations.
How many entry points do you think there are in this house? - The front and back doors - I make it 24.
- 25 including the chimney.
- 26 if they tunnel in.
- What do you see there? - A window.
I call it the welcome mat of death.
- OK, we'll take it.
- No, we won't! Yes, we will.
Ignore him.
Excuse me while I find my testicles.
I had them before.
I recommend the Deluxe protection plan.
(Strained) It's too late for that.
Remote sensors on all the doors and windows.
Infrared motion detectors, both low level and high level.
Glass-break detectors, external alarm.
When the alarm sounds, the police are called in case you're incapacitated.
Here is my estimate for the Deluxe.
That's very funny.
You work on commission, do you? You could always roll the dice and go with the basic plan.
That only includes door contacts and the external alarm.
You never know how these lowlife yobbos are going to break in.
Never mind that one.
He's got a key.
- We should take the Deluxe.
- Have you seen the price? This will be the most valuable thing we have.
You can't put a price on safety.
- Option two is L1,000 cheaper.
- Think of the children.
We'll take the cheap one.
The man said when you open the door, you break the contact, and you have 15 seconds to enter the code.
But more detailed instructions are in here, which I want you all to read, - got that? - Uh? This is not for my amusement.
- Or ours.
- No.
This is important.
If you don't learn how to do this, you'll be like, "Oh, I don't know how to do this.
I'm so confused.
" Which I assure you is boring as hell.
- Get off me! - Michael, pay attention! "For results that can be the finest, "never hold the buttons five ways except emergencies.
"In case of larger currents, press your number two.
" - OK so far? - Nick, could you get off me? Don't worry.
It'll be easy to figure out.
Like in Entrapment where Sean Connery uses hairspray to spot the infrared beams.
He's not gonna need it for his hair.
It's all laid out in zones.
This part of the stairway is covered by that motion detector.
- All the way to here.
- That's easy to get around.
- No! I got that from my gran.
- It even looks like her.
Other ways to get upstairs.
Just creep down the hallway.
- Watch the beam.
- I can jump it.
There's another one there.
OK.
Watch this.
Cool.
Hello, Dad.
I've finally found a career.
What? Bereavement counsellor? World famous jewel thief.
If you're famous, everyone will know who you are.
Yeah.
I'll get more work that way.
Besides, I'll never get caught.
Cos I'm quick.
And I'm stealthy.
And you walked through three beams.
The police will be here within minutes.
- Ah.
Try it again.
- Nick, I've got a better way.
Crouch down.
Cover you to diffuse the beam.
Now go left.
Go left.
Go left.
And come straight.
Faster, faster, faster.
Oh, I'm beginning to like this alarm.
(Nick) It's not funny.
Depends which side of the door you're on.
We're supposed to select an easy code to remember.
Any ideas? Robbie Williams's birthday.
I'm not remembering his birthday cos you've got a crush on him.
It's not a crush.
It's real.
Why don't we each pick a number? I'll say three.
- Five.
- Nine.
- Six.
- 3596.
Commit it to memory.
Don't I exist? Does everyone get a number except me? Don't I count? You said the alarm was rubbish.
You don't care.
No, I don't.
Seven.
I'd like to see somebody try and rob us now.
We've already been robbed.
At least we'll sleep more soundly tonight.
With him outside, we probably will.
(Alarm blaring) - Oh, no.
- Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
That's the third time tonight.
The man said there would be a few kinks to be worked out.
Yes, he's probably charged us extra for those, too.
(Brigitte) I see you're finding your inner peace at last.
I find my inner peace at the pub.
Right now I'm trying to take a little nap.
- I find that the gas helps.
- (Phone) Hello, dental surgery and spiritual guidance.
Oh, please, Brigitte! Hello? Do you remember the alarm code? I can't get into the house.
It's seven I don't know.
Ring Robbie Williams.
Ask your mother.
She's on her Jack the Ripper tour.
- Wait till your brother's home.
- That's the problem.
Michael is home and he won't let me in.
Why? I may have called him a name.
You may have called him a name.
Tell him I said to let you in.
I have.
He didn't believe me.
Hold on.
(Phone inside) Michael.
Michael, let your sister in.
Let your sister in.
Yeah, I know it wasn't very nice.
Yes.
Michael.
Have some pity.
Not on her.
On me.
Thank you.
(Brigitte) It's your son Nick on line two.
He'll let you in, Janey.
Yes, Nick.
Even if I had a thong, I wouldn't let you borrow it.
No, your mother hasn't got one either.
Michael's on line one.
Now Janey's locked him out.
- (Phone) - I'm not in.
Tell them I've fled the country and assumed a different name.
Sorry, he's fled the country and assumed a different name.
That's right, Sergeant.
Harper.
H-A-R-P-E-R.
Alarms aren't toys, Mrs Harper.
We barely have the manpower for real crimes.
We won't be troubling you again.
Your neighbours are complaining it goes off at all times.
We don't complain about their gnomes.
- They don't make a noise.
- Please.
They scream bad taste.
- That's not a crime.
- It should be.
No more false alarms.
I could take you in for disturbing the peace.
- We're normally very quiet.
- (# Disco blaring) Nick, shut the f volume Janey, would you go up and tell him? Go up.
(Shouts) Nick, shut the bloody music up! They seemed such a good idea at the time.
(Janey shouts) Nick! (Music blares) Hey! Lord of the dance, turn it down.
Hey, we're rehearsing! - Are you in the act, too? - Yeah.
Why limit the audience to just the ladies? We'll make more money by appealing to the masses.
You are pathetic.
I can strip but they can't? That's really sexist.
You didn't mention us stripping.
- I wanted to surprise you.
- No way.
- Surprise, all right.
- Oh, come on.
Look don't you even want to see the costumes? - (Alarm beeps) - What? What did you do that for? (Keypad bleeps) (Electronic voice) 'Doors activated.
' No, no, no.
(Alarm blaring) (Alarm stops) Er what are you wearing? It's a costume for the act.
What do you think? - I'm trying not to.
- (Doorbell) - (Susan) Someone get that.
- Tell them I've died.
- I'll get it.
- Nick, if it's - Ah.
- Bonsoir, monsieur.
What? I'm sorry.
I thought you didn't understand English here.
Ah, right.
You've come about the alarm.
Ah, veritable detective as well.
We could do with a few more like you.
Mrs Baker.
We're buying tickets for the Police Benevolent Fund.
- Buying ten.
- Are you drunk? Don't worry, mate.
He's my dad.
Your son's in the job? I don't recognise the uniform.
- Special unit? - Crack squad.
I was gonna caution you but we'll forget about it.
What are you wearing? Harper.
Ben Harper.
Ben.
Did you hear that? Wake up! - Are you asleep or pretending? - Pretending.
This is serious.
I heard a noise but the alarm didn't go off.
There's probably a very good reason for that.
Maybe the thief knew how to bypass the system.
Maybe it's because I turned it off.
- You jeopardised your family? - That is correct, yes.
- Go and turn it back on.
- No.
If that alarm goes off again, I'll be arrested.
Ben, I can't sleep knowing the alarm's off.
- Neither can you.
- I'll manage.
(Menacingly) Neither can you.
(Keypad bleeps) (Electronic voice) 'Stairway activated.
' No, just the doors.
(Keypad bleeps) - 'Windows activated.
' - I said the Oh, I really hate you.
(Keypad bleeps) 'All zones now activated.
' Susan? Susan! Susan! Think.
Think.
How did Nick do it? Oh, God, I never thought I'd say those words.
Oh, yes.
Thank you, Granny.
If you think you can beat me, think again.
(# Mission lmpossible theme) Oh! (Alarm blaring) We've been having trouble with the alarm system.
Hold on a moment.
Good morning.
It's gone off quite frequently.
- Juice? - What? No, the man who installed the system assured me it was foolproof.
- I beg your pardon? - I can't live like this.
- What? - I look awful.
I can't hear you.
I've got this constant ringing in my ears.
I don't care! I don't care.
I'm losing beauty sleep because of this alarm.
It's affecting my pores.
Dad.
Dad, look at my pores.
- Do they look tired to you? - (Ben whimpers) Mum, what do you think? Not now.
I'm on the phone to the alarm people.
Give me the phone.
You'll say something you'll regret.
- Like "I'd like an alarm"? - I'm dealing with it.
Tell that Ml5 lackey that alarm has made my life more miserable than I could ever have dreamed of and that is some achievement.
They say it's there for our protection Protection from what? I've almost broken my bloody neck, I've got a deaf son, a son in a coma and a daughter as ugly as sin.
Dad! And what is left of my reputation was ripped from me as I was dragged off for questioning under the mocking gaze of our neighbours and their monkey children.
They weren't mocking.
It's just the way they look.
What? - What? - I want that out of here.
If we're not happy with the system they will come round and make some minor adjustments.
I'll make the minor adjustments.
Or if we want, they'll give us a full refund if we take it back in good condition.
Darling, have you got the manual? (Janey) Has anyone seen the toothpaste? - Hi.
- Hi.
- Hm.
- Mm.
Mm.
- Bye.
- Bye.