Neighbors From Hell (2010) s01e05 Episode Script

Hon, you've vacuumed those curtains 50 times already! Calm down! They're filthy! You calm down! You calm down! Calm down! Calm down! Calm d-- aah! What happened to these curtains? And what happened to my tri-tiered fruit caddy?! I'm your biggest fan I'll follow you until you love me papa-paparazzi Pazuzu, we have guests coming! And now my fruit is just lying there in an unsorted pile! Step off, papa-nazzi! I'm getting ready for the Lady Gaga concert! It's all falling apart! Babe, it's just my parents coming for a visit.
Why are you so topsy-turvy? Maybe it has something to do with the fact That your parents hate my guts! Oh, Balthy.
They don't hate your guts.
Oh, yes, they do.
Remember when your father cried for 51 days After your nuptials? You know, maybe I should just hide in my room.
Tell them I ate some bad cheese and got the squirts.
I can catch up on "lost.
" You need to remember something, Mr.
Man.
You are the most important demon in hell.
Yeah, Balthazor! You're our Neo! Except without the hairless virility that is Keanu Reeves.
Thanks for the pep talk, guys.
I'm really starting to get jazzed on myself! I haven't gotten jazzed on myself for six whole weeks.
Maybe I should switch hands.
Aw, come on! That's not cool! In the car, everyone! It's time to hit the hellport! Now that I'm Neo, I fear nothing.
Aah! It's them! ♪ this is the story 'bout a demon from hell ♪ ♪ his job was torture, he tortured so well ♪ then he watched some illegal tv and satan launched him to earth to save hell from a drill that could destroy them permanently these are your neighbors from hell you are the neighbors from hell Mee maw! Pee paw! Hello, children! It's been so long Since your father ripped you from our dark, dark hearts! Here's your damn gift.
Meat! Meat! A meat-eating devil plant? Hooray! I love him so! I'll name him morey! Meat! Aah! He likes me! Stay still! I'll put you out! No need! Whoo-hoo-hoo! I'm jazzing all over myself! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Mom, dad, you know Balthazor's allergic To meat-eating devil plants! I thought he was allergic to success.
I apologize.
Meat, meat! And, of course, this is the kitchen.
Humans cook everything -- even meat! meat! Well, earth food must be delicious.
You're certainly filling out.
let's do it again! Ew.
Excuse me, children.
What are you holding in your hands? A baseballGlove? My life.
Those are objects of earthly banality! They will destroy your soul! Mom, put them down right now! We do not Jack in this family! That's right.
We only spank.
This is the grill.
I'm impressed.
You've done very well for yourself, Balthazor.
How is it going at work with the mission? It's good.
I'm making inroads with the boss.
we have frozen yogurt machines And piranha tanks on every floor.
Yogurt machines? Wow! I'd love to see that.
You would? You want to go to the office now? As long as it doesn't jam up your plans.
Are you kidding? I want you to jam me up all day long! I'll go get my keys.
Tina I know you're undercover, But you have to be careful, Or you'll become the thing you're trying to take down.
Look what happened to Donnie Brasco.
Hon! Have you seen my psoriasis medication?! In the wheelie luggage! I looked there! In the zipper part! Meat! What zipper part?! Oh, for Lucifer's sake! That man would lose his tail if it wasn't attached.
Meat! Meat! Meat! Hiyooo, Tina girl! Look! I'm a one-man band! You could say I've been playing with myself Ever since Brad went on Zoloft.
What's wrong, girl? My mother came to visit.
And she keeps putting me down.
Nothing I do seems right to her.
that crazy bitch needs to get her bitch ass out of town! you got the mother-daughter blues m-o-t-h-e-r d-a-u-g-h-t-e-r blues! Whoo-hoo! Girl, you need to join my one-man blues band To get your mind right.
Suddenly, hanging out with my mom doesn't seem so bad.
Thanks for that.
Bye! Not the blue zipper part.
The red zipperPart.
We need to move fast.
The situation is way worse than I thought With the children.
Cellphones? Baseball mitts? Makes me want to bathe in my own sick! Don't worry, dark dearest.
I just got Balthadope to invite me to his office.
And once I'm done there, he will be, too.
Oh, Zebulon! Then Tina and the kids can come home with us.
you're a dark genius.
Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear! A scrupley conundrum that's not so much fundrum.
Meat! Meat, meat, meat! And here's another piranha tank.
A-and a yogurt station.
This one's my favorite because they have sugar-free.
It's very slimming.
Looks delicious.
Zebulon! That's not a topping! Aah! Hellman, who the huck finn is this, And why is he deep-throating one of my prized piranhas? Uh, this is my father-in-law -- Zebulon.
He's Mercury deficient.
Let me try that.
Ugh! Ugh! Whoa-ho.
Whoa! We've got a new topping! Where's my "blackbarry"? I need to remember that.
piranha ppings.
Got it, sir.
Hellman, I've got 3,000 tons of toxic sunscreen to unload.
It's jammed with steroids like my blackbarry.
Day one, huge muscles.
Day two, death.
Ideas.
Now.
Um, uh Repackage it As a nutritious kurdish breakfast cereal.
You can call them kurd-flakes.
Ooh! Ooh! Light bulb moment! What if we feed it to our crops and grow super pumpkins?! We'd really clean up at Halloween.
Speaking of Halloween, Do you want to borrow my vagina costume? Oh, wait.
You don't need it.
We're going with zeb's idea.
I like the cut of your jib, z-pack.
Swing by the office.
We can play some Russian roulette with my tiger.
Zebulon, what are you doing?! You almost got me in trouble there.
What? I was just giving you some razzmatazz.
Like chums do.
We're chums? Of course we are.
You're a hero now.
Mad respect.
Ow, ow, ow! Ow! Mad respect back to you, sir.
Awesome.
you look tired.
Is Balthazor's failure keeping you up at night? Funny, you don't have a job! But it looks like you're too busy for housework.
you have an eyelash under your eye.
Oh, wait.
I was wrong.
It was just a new wrinkle.
Isn't it amazing that you have a degree in demonomics And all you do is sit around all day? Marjoe! Get in here! Meet my mom, please! Well, how do?! I'm Marjoe Saint sparks from next door.
Probably checking out my rig.
Don't worry.
It's not a back brace.
It's music That you can wear! You see, I'm in a band.
We're actually both in the band together, Which means I have to leave now and go practice.
If you need anything, you can ask Pazuzu.
I'd like a time machine and a box of condoms.
Zeb, you have a fantastic energy! Why don't you come work for me? Be my ideas man.
Flattered, but a strong "no, thanks.
" I'm retired from the game.
But, hey, here's a free idea.
Cut the dead weight.
Fire Balthazor.
Fire Balthazor.
I mean, super pumpkins? Come on! There he goes again.
Chumming it up.
Busting my stuff.
Balthazor, a word.
Okay, here's how it's gonna go.
Make your father-in-law take this job.
Oof.
I'd love to help out, sir, But I can't.
Zebulon and I are in a great place right now, And I don't want to do anything to mess that up.
well, in that case, Forget I said anything.
Relationships come first.
Thanks for understanding.
That was sarcasm, you vagina monologue! Eee! Get him to take this job, or you're fired! Bud up bup bup -- wow! Sounds great! Take five, everybody! Tina, what are you doing? I've been looking for you everywhere.
Sorry, babe.
I've been saved by the power of music! That's great news, babe.
Here's more great news.
Killbride told me that if I didn't get Zebulon To accept a job at Petromundo, I'm fired.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh! Now you're hitting the high notes, girl! I haven't heard that kind of screaming Since I got a tattoo of Cat Stevens on my pubis! Yusuf Islam! All over my peace train! Whoo! Here's the best part.
I need you to help me convince your dad To take the job tonight.
But, babe, we have a gig tonight.
What about my dreams? Are these your dreams, Tina? Or are you just running away from your mother? Oh, no, yoko ono.
I'm not letting you break up this band.
Put that down, you goose! Youse gots water in the house! No, Marjoe.
Balthy's right.
I'm like a teen runaway in a two-man one-man band, Desperately trying to avoid my mother's withering criticism.
But if I don't face this demon now, I'll never stop running.
Tina, that is so beautiful and heartfelt.
I just realized something pretty darn important, Balthy.
This band comes first.
This band comes first, too! Ahhhhh! Ohhh.
Ohhhhh.
What are you doin'?! It's time to go to the Lady Gaga concert! I can't go, goblin.
I'm sick! I'm pretty sure I'm dying.
too sick for disco stick? I'm afraid so.
I need you to check my temperature.
you don't seem to have a temperature! What are your symptoms? I have soreness in my head and in my heart.
It makes my eyes leak clear stuff, And I sigh like this -- Okay, what's goin' on? I overheard something.
Something that can change everything for everyone forever.
Well, that doesn't sound like such a big deal.
Zebulon is trying to get Balthazor fired So Tina and the kids will be sent home.
But Balthazor said they were best bestie chums! Come on.
We've got to save everything! Whoo-hoo-hoo! I'll take that one, medium rare! I'll have a snowjito, please.
Do you want that with Jack frosting on the rim? If Jack frosting is a big fat loser zero, She's already got one at home.
So, Zebulon, wouldn't it be fun, Now that we're chumsticks, for us to work together? And maybe even carpool? I think you should take the job at Petromundo.
If anyone sees anything alcoholic On or around this table, hand it to me now! I have some nail-polish remover in my purse.
Give it to mommy, Mandy.
I'll do it under one condition -- Beg me.
Um, okay.
Zebulon, would you pleeeease Take the job at Petromundo? Pleeeease? You've got to sell me on it, boy.
Really make me drop my panties.
Okay.
Please! Ah, please take the job! I'm begging you! That was just louder.
I want to see emotions, man.
Announce to the whole restaurant That you need your father-in-law To save your ass because you are a loser.
Dad, don't do it! You're not a loser! Yeah, dad.
You're almost a success Sort of.
Plus, there's a really hot guy at the next table, And I want to seem cool.
Mandy's right, Balthazor.
He's not that hot.
We all make sacrifices for the mission, babe.
This one's mine.
Oh, you taste delicious.
Attention, everyone! Huh? Huh? Hmm? Huh? Is that hellman? What is that crazy s.
O.
B.
Up to now? Attention! I-I just wanted everyone here to know That I am a loser.
And I need my father-in-law -- him -- To save my ass because I am a loser.
Thank you.
one more thing.
Geez Louise! What now?! Say that you're a loser, Just like everyone in your family, Including your loser father.
Dad! Your horns are showing! Mommy, what's happening?! It's part of the show, muffin.
Take the job at Petromundo! No! Take the job! Now, that's what I call a real execution man.
See, Tommy, the big green man represents Christmas, And the man he's drowning represents "other cultures.
" Isn't that nice? Go, Christmas! Go, Christmas! Stop all of this insouciance at once! What?! Uncle Vlaartark has something Very important to tell you! Hecubah and Zebulon are trying to get you fired So Tina and the kids will go back to hell, And he's not your chum and he's only pretending to like you! What? Mom, is this true?! Were you trying to sabotage Balthazor?! Only so you'd come back to hell.
I missed you and the kids.
You have a funny way of showing it.
Why do you criticize everything I do? Because everything you do is wrong.
Now, I love you very much, so pack your things.
You're going back home with us right now! Don't make me put on my smack hands! You think that scares me? I will bring the ruckus! Bring it! I eat ruckus for breakfast! I know! I can see it in your hips and your thighs! Aagh! Aah!!! Stop these shenanigans at once! Now! Look, mommy! It's Santa! Zebulon! Hecubah! How dare you defy my powers with your Defiance?! You think you know better than the dark lord?! Mm? Hey? No, your best evilness.
We just thought, uh Thinking is for ninnies and ninny hookers! I want you back down below at once! I have an eternity Of torture-room drains for you to clean With swiffer wet jet! Have you ever heard of those? They're hellOn dirt! Satan out! Hellman, you're crazier than a crap-house rat.
I really thought you were gonna kill Your own father-in-law for your job.
Oh, no, sir.
No.
We were just chumming.
Last time I saw chumming like that Was at ike and Tina's Christmas throwdown '74.
Talk about decking the halls And anything else that talked back.
I thought Zebs was the most ruthless s.
O.
B.
I ever met, But you just proved to me You're an ass ton more ruthless than him! Thank you, sir.
I can hang tough when I need to.
So forget about giving him a job.
I'm keeping you.
He'll need a raise.
Why not? You just gave me one.
Well, I missed my Lady Gaga concert.
But coming here helped me find something Way more valuable.
Really? What's that, Pazuzu? This gold coin I found in the men's latrine! That's no gold coin.
That, my gaga-loving goblin, Is a urinal cake! What?! This is cake?! It is cake! And it's delicious! Oh, Pazuzu! We love you! Ha ha! Urinal cake! What a week! Oh, it's nice to have the house back to ourselves.
I do miss the fake friendship I had with your dad.
And I'm sorry you didn't resolve your issues with your mother.
oh, that's okay.
You know, Balthy, I realized something pretty dern important.
Family visits can be a real punch to the snooter, But I couldn't survive them without Our family.
Tina, that was so tender.
Just like this T.
G.
I.
Christmas figgy pudding! Yummers! Here, have some.
It's fun to be fed! Mmm.
Oh, Tina, you rascal! That tickles my nethers! whoo-hoo! Tina! I'm still over here at the light switch, Balthy.
Mmm.
That plant sure knows a choice slab of meat When it sees one.
Oh, Tina, I love you.
I love you, too, hon bun bear.
Meat! Meat! Meat!