Nero Wolfe Mystery, A (2001) s01e05 Episode Script
Prisoner's Base: Part 2
Judging by your lugubrious gait and sour expression I assume that your endeavors have achieved nothing.
Well, there may have been some buried clue or significant fact that showed itself, but I missed it.
Then you better type up the report.
You mean my full report? You want it verbatim? Yes.
Uh, that could take all afternoon, maybe more.
I suppose so.
I asked you to type the report.
I heard you but it's just all and you know it.
Archie, you might recall that I once returned a retainer of $40,000 to a client named Zimmerman, because he wanted to tell me how to handle his case instead of leaving it to me.
Please type up the report.
It would've been a pleasure to take a gun out of the drawer and shoot that book right out of his hand but I decided it was inadvisable.
So I swiveled, pulled the typewriter to me got paper, twirled it in and hit the keys.
Three and a half hours later, at 6:00 I finished typing my report and someone rang the bell.
Yes, can I help you? My name is Arthur M.
Irby.
I'm a lawyer and I represent Eric Hagh the former husband of Priscilla Eades.
I would like to speak to Mr.
Wolfe.
Come in.
Eric Hagh's lawyer, Albert Irby, is here to see you.
Where the devil did you get him? Well, I didn't exactly get him, he came here.
What does he want? To talk to you.
Look, since you don't like a client horning in on a case of yours, I didn't press him for particulars.
Bring him.
Mr.
Wolfe will see you.
I appreciate your seeing me, Mr.
Wolfe but I'm not surprised because I know of your great services in the cause of justice and that's what I want for my client, Eric Hagh.
I was asked to represent him by a olleague in Venezuela My time and attention are not infinite, Mr.
Irby.
Of course.
Forgive me.
I have with me a photostat of a letter dated August 12, 1946 written and signed by Priscilla Eades Hagh and witnessed by Margaret Folmos.
In this letter, Priscilla gives to her husband, Eric a half interest in all property, then hers or to become hers at any time in the future.
This is a legal matter.
I'm not a lawyer.
I came to consult you not in a matter of the law but in a matter of fact.
Miss Eades told me on Friday that she signed the document in good faith.
She offered my client a $100,000 settlement.
He rejected it, so I went to see Mr.
Helmar.
I fail to see what this has to do with me.
Mr.
Helmar claimed she never signed the document and accused my client of forging it so I called Mr.
Hagh and told him to get on the first plane to New York.
Uh, in five minutes, my dinner is served and I will be leaving this room whether you are finished speaking or not.
You might consider getting to the point sooner rather than later.
It occurred to me that, um you could speak to the authenticity of the document.
Miss Eades came to consult you.
She spent hours here.
Surely the document was discussed and surely she knowledged signing it.
If Mr.
Goodwin was also here and can speak that would clinch it.
Such assistance would be of great value to Mr.
Hagh amounting to five percent of the total sum received by him in settlement of his claim.
You say Mr.
Hagh is coming to New York? Yes.
When does he arrive? Tomorrow afternoon, 3:00.
Oh, I'd like to see him.
Oh, certainly.
I want you to.
I'll bring him straight here from the airport.
Meanwhile I've prepared affidavits.
No, there will be no affidavit until I speak to your client.
Then we'll see.
I- I think there should be a meeting of all those involved.
Both sides with you present here in my office at 9:00 p.
m.
tomorrow.
I would welcome such a meeting but I want some assurance that No.
By making me a flagrantly improper offer you have forfeited all rights to amenity.
You'll have to take it as it comes.
My dinner is served.
Very well then.
Good day.
Are you satisfied? No, sir.
And neither are you.
The next morning, I decided for the umpteenth time I didn't have the right temperament for working with Nero Wolfe.
If I had, I would've long ago quit being exasperated by his assumption that there was no point starting the day's detecting activities until he came down from the plant rooms at 11:00.
Nero Wolfe's office, Archie Goodwin speaking.
This is Sarah Jaffe, Mr.
Goodwin.
Yes, yes, it is.
I can tell by the voice.
Good morning.
Good morning.
I wanted How are you? Oh, I'm fine.
How are you? I'm fine too.
I just had my breakfast and I wanted to phone you.
There was no place at the table but mine.
Well, that's good.
You know, in the long run that'll save a lot of breakage on dishes.
Oh, it'll save more than that.
You took the coat and hat away with you.
Yes, I did, and for God's sake don't tell me you want them back.
I disposed of them.
Oh, I'll never want them back.
When I went into the hall, long after you left I I cried like a baby and I knew you had done a wonderful thing for me and that I had to do anything you asked me to do anything.
Only, of course not I mean, anything you would ask me.
That is, anything I can do.
So, just tell me what it is? Uh yes.
I see.
Uh, well, uh, it's what I asked you to do yesterday.
Yes, I thought so.
You'll have to provide an attorney.
I'm afraid mine wouldn't approve.
Well, uh, Mr.
Wolfe's attorney, Nathaniel Parker will be asked to act on your behalf and you couldn't do any better than Mr.
Parker.
I don't think I'm still in that, Mr.
Goodwin so I'm pretty brave to be doing this and I hope you know it.
I do.
And I appreciate it.
Bye for now.
And so we were going to hatch Wolfe's plan after all.
The legal merits are open to question but it should suffice to get them here.
We had given Parker all the details.
Well, I'm not so sure.
Ah, don't worry.
If you get disbarred because of this operation I can get you a job folding paper napkins.
Lawyers are incapable of taking a joke about getting disbarred because it takes them so much time and money to get barred.
Yes, Mr.
Perry Helmar, please.
This is Nathaniel Parker's office calling.
It's regarding a Mrs.
Sarah Jaffe and Softdown, Incorporated.
This is Helmar speaking.
Mr.
Helmar, please hold for Mr.
Parker.
Good afternoon, Mr.
Helmar.
Uh, my name is Nathaniel Parker.
I am an attorney.
Uh, I am preparing to start a case for a client and I'm calling you as a matter of professional courtesy.
Uh, the client is Mrs.
Sarah Jaffe.
I believe you know her? Yes, I've known Mrs.
Jaffe all of her life.
What kind of action are you talking about? Uh, well, perhaps I should explain to you that Mrs.
Jaffe was referred to me by Mr.
Nero Wolfe That crook? That damn scoundrel? Well, I won't stipulate that and, uh, I doubt if you can establish it.
I was saying: Mrs.
Jaffe would like me to ask a court to enjoin you and members of the board from assuming ownership of any of the capital stock of Softdown Incorporated under the provisions of the will of the late Nathaniel Eades.
And from attempting to exercise any rights of such ownership until it is determined whether one or more of you has acquired this stock by, um murdering Priscilla Eades.
This is an act of malice.
Nero Wolfe put her up to this.
I will speak with Mrs.
Jaffe myself.
I- I don't think that will help.
Uh, as Mrs.
Jaffe's attorney I have advised her not to discuss this matter with anyone except Mr.
Wolfe, if she sees fit.
No judge would grant such an injunction.
Well, that remains to be seen.
But I think an effort should be made to protect all interests without going to court and Mr.
Wolfe has agreed uh, provided that such effort be made tonight at his office and that all involved be present.
At Wolfe's office? Yes.
Never! Never! That man is a murderer himself! I think, Counselor, you are a little free with words.
Uh, we'll expect you at 9:00 with the rest of the board.
They'll come.
The Softdown crowd showed up on time as expected e finally got to meet Eric Hagh.
There had been so much talk about South America I had expected him cross between Diego Rivera and Peron.
But I couldn't have told him from a Viking if it hadn't been for his clothes.
Good evening.
I have a prepared statement that I would like to read.
"Speaking for myself and my four associates "we denounce Nero Wolfe "for his instigation of an unwarranted attack "upon us by Mrs.
Sarah Jaffe.
"We declare that said instigation "was prompted by malice "and that the threat of legal action "on behalf of Mrs.
Jaffe is an unjustified, unprovoked "and reprehensible attempt at coercion "and we demand the right "to interview Mrs.
Jaffe privately "before entering into a discussion with Counselor Parker and particularly any discussion to which Nero Wolfe is a party.
" May I say that, uh If you please, Mr.
Helmar.
There's no question of your right to interview Mrs.
Jaffe privately.
The only question is how she feels about it herself.
Ask her.
Sarah you wouldn't let me speak to you on the telephone.
You've known me all of your life.
I held you in my arms when you were a baby.
Have you ever known me to do anything unfair or wicked or dishonest? Yes.
What? Did you say "yes"? Yes, I did.
You did all of those things to Pris.
You didn't love her or understand her and you were bad for her.
I want to say one thing.
I haven't been coerced to do this by Mr.
Wolfe or Mr.
Parker.
I am doing this because I want to and it was Archie Goodwin who made me want to.
It wouldn't do the slightest good for you to speak with me, Mr.
Helmar, so forget it.
Listen, Sarah you don't understand I think I do and what if I don't? Does anyone else have a statement to read? Good.
First, I'll make one thing clear.
I have been engaged to investigate the murder of Priscilla Eades and that is my sole interest.
By Sarah Jaffe? No, my client's identity is not your concern.
In my opinion, it is entirely proper for Mrs.
Jaffe to bring the action contemplated but that will be determined not by me, not by you but by a court tomorrow morning unless developments here this evening make it unnecessary.
What developments could make it unnecessary? Oh, any of several.
For instance my discovery of the identity of the murderer though I confess that I expect no such happy expedition.
Another possible development would be for me to conclude after inquiry that none of you five people was involved in the murder of Miss Eades.
The reason for this meeting is an explanation by you and Counselor Parker about this whole preposterous event.
Do you really mean that? Yes, I certainly do.
Then get out.
What's that? Get out! Before you go, Mr.
Helmar there's a piece of information for you.
I am told that you are now claiming that the letter from Priscilla Eades giving her husband half her property is spurious.
If you accuse me of deception, sir I accuse you of an impudent lie in an attempt to defraud.
In this room, Monday evening Miss Eades told Mr.
Goodwin and me categorically that she signed that document.
And, of course, you knew that.
Bravo.
Now that is honesty, gentlemen.
Oh here it is.
Here it is.
Well, this is fantastic.
We are subject to trial on the charge of murder with you as the judge and the jury.
No, not as you put it.
What do you mean by inquiry? Put it this way I say to you, Miss Duday there is a suspicion that you had something to do with the murders of Priscilla Eades and Margaret Folmos.
That you may actually have committed the crimes with your own hands.
What have you to say to remove or discredit that suspicion? That should be simple.
It's true, of course that I'll get a large block of stocks as they will but they can outvote me and push me out if they feel like it.
Whereas if Pscilla had lived I would soon have been active head of the corporation in complete control.
Does that seem pertinent? Yes.
Did you know that Mrs.
Jaffe was to be a director? Yes.
That was because Priscilla wanted all the directors to be women.
Did these gentlemen know that Miss Eades intended to put you in charge? I'd rather let them answer that.
Except, if they say no, then I'll speak to it.
Very well.
Uh, Mr.
Helmar join us.
The idea that a man of my training and temperament would perform so vicious a deed and incur so tremendous a risk is repugnant to every reputable theory of human conduct.
Well, how do you her backing out of her appointment with you and asking you not to try and find her? Very simply.
She knew that I was coming with proof that Miss Duday was incompetent to handle the affairs of a large corporation and she simply didn't want to face me and admit it.
What a monstrousy liar you are! Don't call me a liar, you vicious underhanded How dare you! What about Miss O'Neill? I have nothing to say about Miss O'Neill.
Oh, come.
She may be a mere voluptuous irrelevance but I need to know was she intimate with both Mr.
Brucker and you? Or- or neither? How dare you.
You make these vicious and ignorant insinuations about a woman who, in her innocence and modest merit is so far above all of this depravity.
Mr.
Brucker? I'm only a hardworking, plodding businessman, Mr.
Wolfe.
But to the issue of murder I can only say that I loved Priscilla Eades since the day as a five-year-old that she told her father "Don't make Jay go away with the others.
You must keep Jay.
" Uh, this was during one of Softdown's worst slumps.
As you can see, I was kept.
Do you really think that this is pertinent in any way? I do sir.
You can imagine my feelings knowing that I am suspected of killing Priscilla with these hands.
Well sir? I have nothing more to say.
You're y- you're not serious.
Oh, yes, he is.
Ah, Mr.
Hagh.
Mr.
Hagh uh, Mr.
Brucker told Mr.
Goodwin that perhaps you had murdered your ex-wife.
Who said that? Sit down, Mr.
Hagh.
I want an answer.
Hey, back off.
I'm being accused of murder.
So is everyone in this room.
Now, sit down and cook yourself a defense.
This is outrageous.
Thank you, Archie.
Now, why would Mr.
Hagh want Priscilla Eades dead Mr.
Brucker? I can't tell you that.
That's a pity, since the simplest way for you people to make me doubt your guilt would be to offer an acceptable substitute.
Have you one, Mr.
Brucker? No.
Mr.
Quest? Bernie.
Bernie.
Sir I have been with this company 62 years.
In 1933, when I was made vice president by Nathan Eades he promised me that one day I would be given a substantial share in the corporation.
In 1942, he died and when his will was read, I found that he had broken his promise to me, so I decided to kill his daughter, Prcilla.
She was then 15 years old.
I decided to strangle her.
Bernie! My God! I even worked out the details: where to find a rope; how to employ it; what to do with it afterwards.
And I practiced.
I practiced, sir, by strangling myself.
But that was ten years ago and in the end I finally came to my senses.
I didn't kill her then, and now what's the point? I'm too old.
My children are grown and I have everything I need.
Well, perhaps you should've strangled yourself.
Yeah.
Have you anything else to add, Mr.
Quest? And you, Mr.
Pitkin.
What have you to say to remove or discredit the suspicion that you are the murderer? That's not the way it's done, Mr.
Wolfe.
That's un-American.
First, show me evidence, if there is any and I will answer it.
Either, sir, you're an ass or you're masquerading as one.
If I had evidence that one or more of you were guilty I wouldn't sit here half the night inviting you to jabber.
I would phone the police to come and get you.
Now, are you capable of deliberate murder? No, because of the way I look at things.
How do you look at things? From the standpoint of profit and loss.
For example, if the risk of the transaction is very great it should not be considered at all no matter what profit is offered if it is successful.
You apply that to murder, what do you get? Profit and loss, Mr.
Wolfe.
Mrs.
Jaffe, your average income in Softdown dividends for the past five years has been $40,000.
Have you earned one penny of it? My father did the eaing.
And you, Mr.
Hagh.
You are demanding a share of Softdown profits.
You certainly haven't earned anything isn't that correct? This is perfectly correct.
And I feel no embarrassment being put in the same class as the charming Mrs.
Jaffe.
The income I will get from Softdown stocks is called unearned income.
But actually, I have earned it by years of devoted service.
I deserve it, unlike them.
Well, Mr.
Pitkin, how about Miss Eades? Wasn't she also a parasite? Or- or had her recent interest in the corporation made her an earner? That wasn't a service to the corporation.
That was an interference.
In a week, she would've taken title to 90% of the company stock, leaving you earners with nothing but your meager salaries.
Now, wasn't that deplorable? Yes, we all thought so.
I think, uh, I- I've had enough of you, Mr.
Pitk I- I've I've had enough of all of you.
It's late.
I must digest what I have heard and seen and I will make only this commitment: Mr.
Parker will take no action on behalf of Mrs.
Jaffe until he has heard from me sometime tomorrow.
That's it.
Thank you all for coming.
Your coats are by the front door.
I'd appreciate it if you left swiftly.
So, which one? Which one what? Uh, excuse me if you're as stumped as you look God help your client.
Archie, do you know who killed Mrs.
Folmos and Miss Eades? Uh nope.
I do.
But there's a contradiction.
What about Sarah Jaffe? Is she a snake or a cheat? No, no, neither.
Nice odds, ten to one.
Then I have a question for her.
Have her here at 11:00 in the morning.
Yes, sir.
Hello yeah Nero Wolfe's.
Oh, I'm awfully sorry, Mr.
Goodwin.
Did I wake you? Uh, not quite there, Mrs.
Jaffe.
Why don't you go ahead and finish it.
Well, I guess I should've waited until morning but I thought you might've found them and wondered whose they were.
Did you find any keys? No, did you lose some keys? Is that what you're saying? Yes, two on a ring to the door downstairs and my apartment.
they were in my bag.
Uh-huh, where are you now? I'm home in my apartment.
How'd you get in? The night man, he has a key.
I might've lost them in the taxi but I thought I ought to phone you in case you found them.
I'm sorry I bothered you.
No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Mrs.
Jaffe, don't-don't ring off there.
Uh, is, uh, is Olga there? No, she doesn't sleep here.
Uh, when did you miss the keys? While I was coming up in the elevator.
I went to get them from my bag and they weren't there.
How come you didn't notice downstairs on the sidewalk? The night man was there with the door open.
Okay, here's what you've got to do.
You've got to keep that phone close to your ear and mouth, okay? Why? Million to one it's nothing.
It's just, uh, you lost some keys, that's all.
I- I'm nervous about keys getting lost.
Now, how long were you there before you called me? After the night man let you in? I called you right away.
I wanted to get you before you were asleep.
What do you mean you're nervous about keys? I mean I'm coming over right away.
I'm coming over now, matter of fact.
What phone are you calling from? The living room phone.
And that's at the far end from the foyer? Yes.
Did you say you're coming over here? Yes listen, listen very carefully.
This is almost certainly a false alarm but you've got to listen and don't ring off.
When I say to you, "go ahead," you say to me, quote: "I don't think so, but if you'll hold the line I'll go to the foyer and see if it's there.
" Unquote.
Did you get that? Yes.
Do you want me to repeat that? Uh, no, you don't need to.
Okay, good, now after you say that you then put the phone down, you don't ring off and you walk straight to the front door you go through it and you close it with a bang you go downstairs and you wait for me.
You got that? Yes.
All right, are you going to do it exactly that way? Yes, I I will.
All right, that's the girl.
Now, don't forget to close it with a bang because I'm going to be at the other end of the phone, listening.
And when I hear that I'm going to come and then when I get there you can have a good laugh about how nervous I was about this whole thing and then we'll decide what to do next maybe we'll go have a drink anyway are you ready? Yes.
Go ahead.
Hold the line if it's in the foyer.
It had been a lot of years since I'd played Prisoner's Base.
The phone in the living room was one base and the elevator outside was another and it was up to Sarah Jaffe to make the run without being tagged.
I didn't hear the door bang.
Maybe she forgot but I doubted it.
I want in! What for? I want to see Sarah Jaffe! I'm expected! At this time of night, nuts! Get in the elevator.
You take me to the sixth floor.
Have you seen or heard Sarah Jaffe in the last half hour? Have you seen or heard Sarah Jaffe No, no! Talk fast! Get in there.
That hack, he's going to have a cop here Get out your keys.
You're going to open the door, you understand? I'm not supposed to do that Aah! Fast, get it open.
Take the elevator down.
The police will want it.
She had followed instructions, all right but had never reached the outside door.
Three paces from where she lay he came out of the closet, struck her with the bookend then finished up with a doubled cord from a venetian blind.
Everything was right there.
Hello.
Yeah, listen, it's Archie.
Listen good, all right? We might get interrupted.
Sarah Jaffe called me from her apartment.
That's where I am now.
She lost her keys.
The night man let her in.
She asked me what to do I gave her some instructions.
She listened to me, but the problem is she didn't make it through the front door.
She's on the floor now, dead, see? Next time she's in danger, she should call someone else.
Archie I said it is vainglorious to reproach yourself for lack of omniscience.
The same is true for omnipotence.
Report in when you can.
Is this straight, Goodwin? Yeah, whoever got her keys got in, conked her on the head strangled her and now she's dead.
And you're in Jaffe's apartment right now? Yes.
By God, you stay there.
Put that phone down and get your hands up! Over the next four hours I gave a complete account of the meeting in Wolfe's office and my phone call with Sarah Jaffe.
The four of us disposed of a dozen ham sandwiches six muskmelons and a gallon of coffee.
Wait, wait, hold it, hold it, hold it.
Now, I've just given you everything I got.
I want something from you.
I want to see Inspector Cramer right away and you can fix it for me.
Is this about the case? Yes.
Why won't I do? Because he can say yes to this.
You can't.
Hey, Pearly.
When did I ever ask you for a favor? Never, you're not that dumb.
No, not until now.
I want you to let the inspector know I'm here.
I'm asking for five minutes and you will kindly keep your trap shut.
He's busy.
Well, so am I busy, now, let me just Come on.
What do you want to ask him? It's none of your business Then you don't see him.
Here he is.
Oh, what the hell? What is this? Now, this was my idea.
I got something to say.
Well, I haven't got time.
All right, two minutes, two minutes.
Did Wolfe send you? No, this was my idea.
While Sarah Jaffe was on the phone talking to me her killer was in the closet waiting for her, all right? I told her what to do.
I could've told her to go to an open window and scream.
That might've saved her.
Instead, I had a better idea.
Maybe I was wrong.
What do you want, a medal? No.
I don't want to go home, sit on my ass and wait for Wolfe to have a fit of genius, see? I want to do something here.
I want to sit in on your interviews with the suspects and maybe I cann offer some comments when it's appropriate Typical Wolfe approach.
No, no, this is strictly personal.
I was on the phone with her.
Maybe I can help.
You know him as well as I do, Pearly.
Is this straight? His head's been swelling a long time and he got a bad jolt and he can't take it.
Yeah, I buy it.
We can always toss him out.
All right, Goodwin.
But if this is a dodge I'm going to hook you and I'm going to hook you good.
And not a word to Wolfe or the press or anybody else.
Agreed? Agreed.
I'm going to do a re-take on Helmar.
You want to come along with me? All right, let's go.
Okay, Mr.
Helmar, we're going to take it one more time.
I've known her since she was a baby.
I held her in my arms that's right, ja, I remember bah, bah, bah, let's shoot the breeze? been associated with Softdown? 31 years! Couldn't Mr.
Goodwin? This is a joke perpetrated probably by the lackey on my left.
I have no idea why I'm here.
This is preposterous.
you could hear him say? "Hubba, hubba, hubba, yuk, yuk "? Good morning.
Morning.
Good God, you look awful.
Thanks.
What's for breakfast? Well, you relax, I'll make you something.
You know this is, uh, getting to be a habit.
What is? This early breakfast around this time in the morning.
Yesterday, I was poaching eggs for Mr.
Wolfe and Saul.
You were what? Poaching eggs for Mr.
Wolfe and Saul.
Uh-huh, Saul's taking over my job, I suppose.
I have no idea what Saul is doing.
I'll be right back.
There was nothing on the desk that gave any hint of what Wolfe wanted with Saul but in the safe I found a slip of paper that hadn't been there before a notation that Wolfe had given Saul two grand from our emergency fund.
Naturally, I tried to decide what Saul Panzer was supposed to be doing with 2,000 bucks.
I made a lot of guesses, but I bought none of them.
What are you, checking your mascara? What do you want? Where the hell have you been? Look at me, doesn't it show? Yeah.
Let me touch you.
I'm supposed to bring you in.
They want you up at the commissioner's office.
Give me a minute.
During the last 40 hours we've had more men on this case than on any other in my time and I can't see that we have gained an inch and everyone agrees with me.
There were 11 people present in that room when those keys were lifted and we need to get a line on the lifting.
More questioning won't do it.
We want to take everyone back to Nero Wolfe's office and repeat as closely as we can everything that was said and done on Thursday evening.
Now, we can't compel Wolfe to let us in much less do his part.
So, we want you, Mr.
Goodwin to convince him.
Well, I'll tell you, you guys are rare.
Rare breed.
Rare as rocking horse manure.
Come on, Goodwin, don't start with the hard-to-get stuff and don't be witty.
Last Tuesday, six days ago I was sitting on a bench in this building.
Mr.
Wolfe was dragged down here by Rowcliff and now you know how he felt about it then.
Well, he's still sore as a pup and now you got a lot of gall to ask me to ask him to do this.
We need him to say yes.
Hey, everybody needs something, commissioner.
Inspector Cramer here needs to stop chomping his cigar.
Does that stop him? What phone do I use? Nero Wolfe speaking.
Uh, yeah, it's Archie.
Have you had breakfast yet? No.
Anyway, listen.
I'm calling on behalf of the people of the state of New York.
Indeed.
Yes, yes.
The whole shebang from the commissioner down to Lieutenant Rowcliff which is quite a distance.
Wou going to drag this out? Hey, I'm through dragging.
Here's the point: we're flumped.
We want to do a playback of last Thursday night with the original cast and all you got to do to play your part is let us in and just be there, right? I've told my associates that it's almost certain you're going to tell us to go to hell, and Very well.
Huh? When would you like to do this? Uh well, as soon as possible? Very well.
I never refuse a reasonable request from a client.
This request seems reasonable, therefore I grant it.
Shall we say 12:00? Will that be convenient? Uh sure.
Yeah, yeah, that'll, uh, suit them fine.
I must've got the wrong number because Come on, spill it, Goodwin.
He said okay.
We're to be there at noon.
I didn't add that I had a strong suspicion there was going to be script revisions.
Will you all please be seated as you were on Thursday evening.
Thank you.
Not by any of us, and not by any of the cast.
I was here Okay, I believe this is the way it was when Mr.
Wolfe entered.
Does anyone disagree? Then I will ring Mr.
Wolfe.
I will be sitting where Mrs.
Jaffe was.
Uh, you gentlemen don't look very comfortable.
We're all right.
These people have been told why they have been brought here? Yes.
Everybody's been completely informed.
Then, may we proceed? Please do.
There was a little tingle in my spine.
I knew his look and manner as well as I did his voice and there was no doubt about it he was going to pull one or try to.
Miss Duday and gentlemen.
You understand that the purpose of this gathering is for us to iterate our words and movements of last Thursday evening.
But before we do so, I wish to make some remarks.
After you people left that evening I told Mr.
Goodwin that I thought I knew who killed Priscilla Eades and Margaret Folmos.
I based that on two things: first, my impressions of all of you and, second, the fact that Mrs.
Folmos was killed.
What? How does a fact that Mrs.
Folmos was murdered solve Priscilla Eades murder? Because the supposition that the attack on Mrs.
Folmos was solely for the purpose of getting the keys to Miss Eades' apartment was clearly not acceptable if any alternative could be had.
Well, maybe she, uh, recognized her attacker and that's why she was killed.
That assumption was not impossible but it implied that the murderer was an egregious bungler and I doubted it.
I prefer to assume exactly the opposite.
That Mrs.
Folmos had been killed not because she recognized her attacker but because he knew she couldn't recognize him.
Is this for effect or do you think you're getting somewhere? I am already somewhere.
I just told you who the murderer is.
Go on and spell it.
He wanted the keys, certainly but he didn't have to kill Mrs.
Folmos to get them.
He killed her because she was, herself, a danger to him.
As great a danger as Miss Eades.
It would have ne him no good to kill the one unless he killed the other.
I won't say I caught up with Wolfe but at least I could see his dust.
And I admit that I had also seen Saul Panzer not with any flourish, take a gun from his pocket and rest it on his thigh.
I suppose that the point here is that Eric Hagh is not Hagh.
He's a ringer? I knew all this Thursday evening but there was a contradiction that had to be solved.
What is that contradiction, Archie? Uh, well, if, uh, Sarah Jaffe knew that it wasn't Hagh how come she didn't say on Thursday night? Are you saying you knew who the murderer was that night and didn't notify anybody? Phooey.
That's childish.
I had no evidence.
You have every scrap of information, Mr.
Bowen, I have and the services of Mr.
Goodwin, to boot which is a great advantage when his head is on straight.
It was only a hypothesis.
It only became more when Mrs.
Jaffe was killed and it was violently, tragically and completely validated.
But I still had no evidence so I phoned Saul Panzer and supplied him with money a newspaper photo of the man calling himself Mr.
Hagh and sent him on a flight to Cahamarka, Peru.
You tell them, Saul.
At Cahamarka I found people that knew Hagh and I learned that Hagh was a professional gambler that he had not been in Cahamarka in three years and that this is not Eric Hagh.
Now, everybody there knew about the paper that Miss Eades had signed giving the real Hagh half her fortune.
Hagh said that it was her idea to do it but he was too proud a man to sponge off a woman so he just kept the paper as a souvenir.
I couldn't ask Hagh about it 'cause he had died in a snowslide three months ago.
But the man that I had pictures of the man that I'm looking at right now is Sigfreid Meucke, also a professional gambler and he was in the mountains with Hagh when the slide happened.
Armed with Miss Eades' letter to her now deceased ex-husband Meucke decided that to pursue his claim for half of Miss Eades estate would require his presence in New York.
And, of course, it would be fatal to his plans if either Miss Eades or Mrs.
Folmos ever got a glimpse of him since they knew he wasn't Hagh.
There was only one way to solve that difficulty.
They had to die.
So, uh, why didn't Jaffe say anything? Because it was not in her character to do so.
She didn't like to get involved with anyone or anything.
She came here Thursday to lend her name to a legal action only because she was under great obligation to Mr.
Goodwin.
No, she did not denounce him.
But, somehow indubitably made him aware that she knew he was not Eric Hagh.
He knew immediately that he was in deadly peril from her and he acted quickly and audaciously taking the keys from her bag.
You waylaid Mrs.
Jaffe.
You struck her and strangled her exactly as you had done to Miss Eades and Mrs.
Folmos.
I said you were no bungler, sir but the truth is Congratulations, Mr.
Wolfe.
You must be very proud.
Well Gentlemen.
Come on, get up.
Come on.
Nice socks.
There you are.
Every Friday morning at 11:00, after Nero Wolfe comes down from the plant rooms on the roof he signs the salary checks.
There seems to be a check missing.
Ah, and what check would that be? Yours.
Well, you know, I like to get paid uh, for my labors, just like the next man but, uh, last week I was on leave.
Uh, what-what's this for? Enough of this flummery.
Take your check.
But, technically, I wasn't here as your assistant but as your client therefore, it is I who should be paying you.
Now at present, this is all I can afford.
I don't get paid much.
Phooey.
Very well.
Archie!
Well, there may have been some buried clue or significant fact that showed itself, but I missed it.
Then you better type up the report.
You mean my full report? You want it verbatim? Yes.
Uh, that could take all afternoon, maybe more.
I suppose so.
I asked you to type the report.
I heard you but it's just all and you know it.
Archie, you might recall that I once returned a retainer of $40,000 to a client named Zimmerman, because he wanted to tell me how to handle his case instead of leaving it to me.
Please type up the report.
It would've been a pleasure to take a gun out of the drawer and shoot that book right out of his hand but I decided it was inadvisable.
So I swiveled, pulled the typewriter to me got paper, twirled it in and hit the keys.
Three and a half hours later, at 6:00 I finished typing my report and someone rang the bell.
Yes, can I help you? My name is Arthur M.
Irby.
I'm a lawyer and I represent Eric Hagh the former husband of Priscilla Eades.
I would like to speak to Mr.
Wolfe.
Come in.
Eric Hagh's lawyer, Albert Irby, is here to see you.
Where the devil did you get him? Well, I didn't exactly get him, he came here.
What does he want? To talk to you.
Look, since you don't like a client horning in on a case of yours, I didn't press him for particulars.
Bring him.
Mr.
Wolfe will see you.
I appreciate your seeing me, Mr.
Wolfe but I'm not surprised because I know of your great services in the cause of justice and that's what I want for my client, Eric Hagh.
I was asked to represent him by a olleague in Venezuela My time and attention are not infinite, Mr.
Irby.
Of course.
Forgive me.
I have with me a photostat of a letter dated August 12, 1946 written and signed by Priscilla Eades Hagh and witnessed by Margaret Folmos.
In this letter, Priscilla gives to her husband, Eric a half interest in all property, then hers or to become hers at any time in the future.
This is a legal matter.
I'm not a lawyer.
I came to consult you not in a matter of the law but in a matter of fact.
Miss Eades told me on Friday that she signed the document in good faith.
She offered my client a $100,000 settlement.
He rejected it, so I went to see Mr.
Helmar.
I fail to see what this has to do with me.
Mr.
Helmar claimed she never signed the document and accused my client of forging it so I called Mr.
Hagh and told him to get on the first plane to New York.
Uh, in five minutes, my dinner is served and I will be leaving this room whether you are finished speaking or not.
You might consider getting to the point sooner rather than later.
It occurred to me that, um you could speak to the authenticity of the document.
Miss Eades came to consult you.
She spent hours here.
Surely the document was discussed and surely she knowledged signing it.
If Mr.
Goodwin was also here and can speak that would clinch it.
Such assistance would be of great value to Mr.
Hagh amounting to five percent of the total sum received by him in settlement of his claim.
You say Mr.
Hagh is coming to New York? Yes.
When does he arrive? Tomorrow afternoon, 3:00.
Oh, I'd like to see him.
Oh, certainly.
I want you to.
I'll bring him straight here from the airport.
Meanwhile I've prepared affidavits.
No, there will be no affidavit until I speak to your client.
Then we'll see.
I- I think there should be a meeting of all those involved.
Both sides with you present here in my office at 9:00 p.
m.
tomorrow.
I would welcome such a meeting but I want some assurance that No.
By making me a flagrantly improper offer you have forfeited all rights to amenity.
You'll have to take it as it comes.
My dinner is served.
Very well then.
Good day.
Are you satisfied? No, sir.
And neither are you.
The next morning, I decided for the umpteenth time I didn't have the right temperament for working with Nero Wolfe.
If I had, I would've long ago quit being exasperated by his assumption that there was no point starting the day's detecting activities until he came down from the plant rooms at 11:00.
Nero Wolfe's office, Archie Goodwin speaking.
This is Sarah Jaffe, Mr.
Goodwin.
Yes, yes, it is.
I can tell by the voice.
Good morning.
Good morning.
I wanted How are you? Oh, I'm fine.
How are you? I'm fine too.
I just had my breakfast and I wanted to phone you.
There was no place at the table but mine.
Well, that's good.
You know, in the long run that'll save a lot of breakage on dishes.
Oh, it'll save more than that.
You took the coat and hat away with you.
Yes, I did, and for God's sake don't tell me you want them back.
I disposed of them.
Oh, I'll never want them back.
When I went into the hall, long after you left I I cried like a baby and I knew you had done a wonderful thing for me and that I had to do anything you asked me to do anything.
Only, of course not I mean, anything you would ask me.
That is, anything I can do.
So, just tell me what it is? Uh yes.
I see.
Uh, well, uh, it's what I asked you to do yesterday.
Yes, I thought so.
You'll have to provide an attorney.
I'm afraid mine wouldn't approve.
Well, uh, Mr.
Wolfe's attorney, Nathaniel Parker will be asked to act on your behalf and you couldn't do any better than Mr.
Parker.
I don't think I'm still in that, Mr.
Goodwin so I'm pretty brave to be doing this and I hope you know it.
I do.
And I appreciate it.
Bye for now.
And so we were going to hatch Wolfe's plan after all.
The legal merits are open to question but it should suffice to get them here.
We had given Parker all the details.
Well, I'm not so sure.
Ah, don't worry.
If you get disbarred because of this operation I can get you a job folding paper napkins.
Lawyers are incapable of taking a joke about getting disbarred because it takes them so much time and money to get barred.
Yes, Mr.
Perry Helmar, please.
This is Nathaniel Parker's office calling.
It's regarding a Mrs.
Sarah Jaffe and Softdown, Incorporated.
This is Helmar speaking.
Mr.
Helmar, please hold for Mr.
Parker.
Good afternoon, Mr.
Helmar.
Uh, my name is Nathaniel Parker.
I am an attorney.
Uh, I am preparing to start a case for a client and I'm calling you as a matter of professional courtesy.
Uh, the client is Mrs.
Sarah Jaffe.
I believe you know her? Yes, I've known Mrs.
Jaffe all of her life.
What kind of action are you talking about? Uh, well, perhaps I should explain to you that Mrs.
Jaffe was referred to me by Mr.
Nero Wolfe That crook? That damn scoundrel? Well, I won't stipulate that and, uh, I doubt if you can establish it.
I was saying: Mrs.
Jaffe would like me to ask a court to enjoin you and members of the board from assuming ownership of any of the capital stock of Softdown Incorporated under the provisions of the will of the late Nathaniel Eades.
And from attempting to exercise any rights of such ownership until it is determined whether one or more of you has acquired this stock by, um murdering Priscilla Eades.
This is an act of malice.
Nero Wolfe put her up to this.
I will speak with Mrs.
Jaffe myself.
I- I don't think that will help.
Uh, as Mrs.
Jaffe's attorney I have advised her not to discuss this matter with anyone except Mr.
Wolfe, if she sees fit.
No judge would grant such an injunction.
Well, that remains to be seen.
But I think an effort should be made to protect all interests without going to court and Mr.
Wolfe has agreed uh, provided that such effort be made tonight at his office and that all involved be present.
At Wolfe's office? Yes.
Never! Never! That man is a murderer himself! I think, Counselor, you are a little free with words.
Uh, we'll expect you at 9:00 with the rest of the board.
They'll come.
The Softdown crowd showed up on time as expected e finally got to meet Eric Hagh.
There had been so much talk about South America I had expected him cross between Diego Rivera and Peron.
But I couldn't have told him from a Viking if it hadn't been for his clothes.
Good evening.
I have a prepared statement that I would like to read.
"Speaking for myself and my four associates "we denounce Nero Wolfe "for his instigation of an unwarranted attack "upon us by Mrs.
Sarah Jaffe.
"We declare that said instigation "was prompted by malice "and that the threat of legal action "on behalf of Mrs.
Jaffe is an unjustified, unprovoked "and reprehensible attempt at coercion "and we demand the right "to interview Mrs.
Jaffe privately "before entering into a discussion with Counselor Parker and particularly any discussion to which Nero Wolfe is a party.
" May I say that, uh If you please, Mr.
Helmar.
There's no question of your right to interview Mrs.
Jaffe privately.
The only question is how she feels about it herself.
Ask her.
Sarah you wouldn't let me speak to you on the telephone.
You've known me all of your life.
I held you in my arms when you were a baby.
Have you ever known me to do anything unfair or wicked or dishonest? Yes.
What? Did you say "yes"? Yes, I did.
You did all of those things to Pris.
You didn't love her or understand her and you were bad for her.
I want to say one thing.
I haven't been coerced to do this by Mr.
Wolfe or Mr.
Parker.
I am doing this because I want to and it was Archie Goodwin who made me want to.
It wouldn't do the slightest good for you to speak with me, Mr.
Helmar, so forget it.
Listen, Sarah you don't understand I think I do and what if I don't? Does anyone else have a statement to read? Good.
First, I'll make one thing clear.
I have been engaged to investigate the murder of Priscilla Eades and that is my sole interest.
By Sarah Jaffe? No, my client's identity is not your concern.
In my opinion, it is entirely proper for Mrs.
Jaffe to bring the action contemplated but that will be determined not by me, not by you but by a court tomorrow morning unless developments here this evening make it unnecessary.
What developments could make it unnecessary? Oh, any of several.
For instance my discovery of the identity of the murderer though I confess that I expect no such happy expedition.
Another possible development would be for me to conclude after inquiry that none of you five people was involved in the murder of Miss Eades.
The reason for this meeting is an explanation by you and Counselor Parker about this whole preposterous event.
Do you really mean that? Yes, I certainly do.
Then get out.
What's that? Get out! Before you go, Mr.
Helmar there's a piece of information for you.
I am told that you are now claiming that the letter from Priscilla Eades giving her husband half her property is spurious.
If you accuse me of deception, sir I accuse you of an impudent lie in an attempt to defraud.
In this room, Monday evening Miss Eades told Mr.
Goodwin and me categorically that she signed that document.
And, of course, you knew that.
Bravo.
Now that is honesty, gentlemen.
Oh here it is.
Here it is.
Well, this is fantastic.
We are subject to trial on the charge of murder with you as the judge and the jury.
No, not as you put it.
What do you mean by inquiry? Put it this way I say to you, Miss Duday there is a suspicion that you had something to do with the murders of Priscilla Eades and Margaret Folmos.
That you may actually have committed the crimes with your own hands.
What have you to say to remove or discredit that suspicion? That should be simple.
It's true, of course that I'll get a large block of stocks as they will but they can outvote me and push me out if they feel like it.
Whereas if Pscilla had lived I would soon have been active head of the corporation in complete control.
Does that seem pertinent? Yes.
Did you know that Mrs.
Jaffe was to be a director? Yes.
That was because Priscilla wanted all the directors to be women.
Did these gentlemen know that Miss Eades intended to put you in charge? I'd rather let them answer that.
Except, if they say no, then I'll speak to it.
Very well.
Uh, Mr.
Helmar join us.
The idea that a man of my training and temperament would perform so vicious a deed and incur so tremendous a risk is repugnant to every reputable theory of human conduct.
Well, how do you her backing out of her appointment with you and asking you not to try and find her? Very simply.
She knew that I was coming with proof that Miss Duday was incompetent to handle the affairs of a large corporation and she simply didn't want to face me and admit it.
What a monstrousy liar you are! Don't call me a liar, you vicious underhanded How dare you! What about Miss O'Neill? I have nothing to say about Miss O'Neill.
Oh, come.
She may be a mere voluptuous irrelevance but I need to know was she intimate with both Mr.
Brucker and you? Or- or neither? How dare you.
You make these vicious and ignorant insinuations about a woman who, in her innocence and modest merit is so far above all of this depravity.
Mr.
Brucker? I'm only a hardworking, plodding businessman, Mr.
Wolfe.
But to the issue of murder I can only say that I loved Priscilla Eades since the day as a five-year-old that she told her father "Don't make Jay go away with the others.
You must keep Jay.
" Uh, this was during one of Softdown's worst slumps.
As you can see, I was kept.
Do you really think that this is pertinent in any way? I do sir.
You can imagine my feelings knowing that I am suspected of killing Priscilla with these hands.
Well sir? I have nothing more to say.
You're y- you're not serious.
Oh, yes, he is.
Ah, Mr.
Hagh.
Mr.
Hagh uh, Mr.
Brucker told Mr.
Goodwin that perhaps you had murdered your ex-wife.
Who said that? Sit down, Mr.
Hagh.
I want an answer.
Hey, back off.
I'm being accused of murder.
So is everyone in this room.
Now, sit down and cook yourself a defense.
This is outrageous.
Thank you, Archie.
Now, why would Mr.
Hagh want Priscilla Eades dead Mr.
Brucker? I can't tell you that.
That's a pity, since the simplest way for you people to make me doubt your guilt would be to offer an acceptable substitute.
Have you one, Mr.
Brucker? No.
Mr.
Quest? Bernie.
Bernie.
Sir I have been with this company 62 years.
In 1933, when I was made vice president by Nathan Eades he promised me that one day I would be given a substantial share in the corporation.
In 1942, he died and when his will was read, I found that he had broken his promise to me, so I decided to kill his daughter, Prcilla.
She was then 15 years old.
I decided to strangle her.
Bernie! My God! I even worked out the details: where to find a rope; how to employ it; what to do with it afterwards.
And I practiced.
I practiced, sir, by strangling myself.
But that was ten years ago and in the end I finally came to my senses.
I didn't kill her then, and now what's the point? I'm too old.
My children are grown and I have everything I need.
Well, perhaps you should've strangled yourself.
Yeah.
Have you anything else to add, Mr.
Quest? And you, Mr.
Pitkin.
What have you to say to remove or discredit the suspicion that you are the murderer? That's not the way it's done, Mr.
Wolfe.
That's un-American.
First, show me evidence, if there is any and I will answer it.
Either, sir, you're an ass or you're masquerading as one.
If I had evidence that one or more of you were guilty I wouldn't sit here half the night inviting you to jabber.
I would phone the police to come and get you.
Now, are you capable of deliberate murder? No, because of the way I look at things.
How do you look at things? From the standpoint of profit and loss.
For example, if the risk of the transaction is very great it should not be considered at all no matter what profit is offered if it is successful.
You apply that to murder, what do you get? Profit and loss, Mr.
Wolfe.
Mrs.
Jaffe, your average income in Softdown dividends for the past five years has been $40,000.
Have you earned one penny of it? My father did the eaing.
And you, Mr.
Hagh.
You are demanding a share of Softdown profits.
You certainly haven't earned anything isn't that correct? This is perfectly correct.
And I feel no embarrassment being put in the same class as the charming Mrs.
Jaffe.
The income I will get from Softdown stocks is called unearned income.
But actually, I have earned it by years of devoted service.
I deserve it, unlike them.
Well, Mr.
Pitkin, how about Miss Eades? Wasn't she also a parasite? Or- or had her recent interest in the corporation made her an earner? That wasn't a service to the corporation.
That was an interference.
In a week, she would've taken title to 90% of the company stock, leaving you earners with nothing but your meager salaries.
Now, wasn't that deplorable? Yes, we all thought so.
I think, uh, I- I've had enough of you, Mr.
Pitk I- I've I've had enough of all of you.
It's late.
I must digest what I have heard and seen and I will make only this commitment: Mr.
Parker will take no action on behalf of Mrs.
Jaffe until he has heard from me sometime tomorrow.
That's it.
Thank you all for coming.
Your coats are by the front door.
I'd appreciate it if you left swiftly.
So, which one? Which one what? Uh, excuse me if you're as stumped as you look God help your client.
Archie, do you know who killed Mrs.
Folmos and Miss Eades? Uh nope.
I do.
But there's a contradiction.
What about Sarah Jaffe? Is she a snake or a cheat? No, no, neither.
Nice odds, ten to one.
Then I have a question for her.
Have her here at 11:00 in the morning.
Yes, sir.
Hello yeah Nero Wolfe's.
Oh, I'm awfully sorry, Mr.
Goodwin.
Did I wake you? Uh, not quite there, Mrs.
Jaffe.
Why don't you go ahead and finish it.
Well, I guess I should've waited until morning but I thought you might've found them and wondered whose they were.
Did you find any keys? No, did you lose some keys? Is that what you're saying? Yes, two on a ring to the door downstairs and my apartment.
they were in my bag.
Uh-huh, where are you now? I'm home in my apartment.
How'd you get in? The night man, he has a key.
I might've lost them in the taxi but I thought I ought to phone you in case you found them.
I'm sorry I bothered you.
No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Mrs.
Jaffe, don't-don't ring off there.
Uh, is, uh, is Olga there? No, she doesn't sleep here.
Uh, when did you miss the keys? While I was coming up in the elevator.
I went to get them from my bag and they weren't there.
How come you didn't notice downstairs on the sidewalk? The night man was there with the door open.
Okay, here's what you've got to do.
You've got to keep that phone close to your ear and mouth, okay? Why? Million to one it's nothing.
It's just, uh, you lost some keys, that's all.
I- I'm nervous about keys getting lost.
Now, how long were you there before you called me? After the night man let you in? I called you right away.
I wanted to get you before you were asleep.
What do you mean you're nervous about keys? I mean I'm coming over right away.
I'm coming over now, matter of fact.
What phone are you calling from? The living room phone.
And that's at the far end from the foyer? Yes.
Did you say you're coming over here? Yes listen, listen very carefully.
This is almost certainly a false alarm but you've got to listen and don't ring off.
When I say to you, "go ahead," you say to me, quote: "I don't think so, but if you'll hold the line I'll go to the foyer and see if it's there.
" Unquote.
Did you get that? Yes.
Do you want me to repeat that? Uh, no, you don't need to.
Okay, good, now after you say that you then put the phone down, you don't ring off and you walk straight to the front door you go through it and you close it with a bang you go downstairs and you wait for me.
You got that? Yes.
All right, are you going to do it exactly that way? Yes, I I will.
All right, that's the girl.
Now, don't forget to close it with a bang because I'm going to be at the other end of the phone, listening.
And when I hear that I'm going to come and then when I get there you can have a good laugh about how nervous I was about this whole thing and then we'll decide what to do next maybe we'll go have a drink anyway are you ready? Yes.
Go ahead.
Hold the line if it's in the foyer.
It had been a lot of years since I'd played Prisoner's Base.
The phone in the living room was one base and the elevator outside was another and it was up to Sarah Jaffe to make the run without being tagged.
I didn't hear the door bang.
Maybe she forgot but I doubted it.
I want in! What for? I want to see Sarah Jaffe! I'm expected! At this time of night, nuts! Get in the elevator.
You take me to the sixth floor.
Have you seen or heard Sarah Jaffe in the last half hour? Have you seen or heard Sarah Jaffe No, no! Talk fast! Get in there.
That hack, he's going to have a cop here Get out your keys.
You're going to open the door, you understand? I'm not supposed to do that Aah! Fast, get it open.
Take the elevator down.
The police will want it.
She had followed instructions, all right but had never reached the outside door.
Three paces from where she lay he came out of the closet, struck her with the bookend then finished up with a doubled cord from a venetian blind.
Everything was right there.
Hello.
Yeah, listen, it's Archie.
Listen good, all right? We might get interrupted.
Sarah Jaffe called me from her apartment.
That's where I am now.
She lost her keys.
The night man let her in.
She asked me what to do I gave her some instructions.
She listened to me, but the problem is she didn't make it through the front door.
She's on the floor now, dead, see? Next time she's in danger, she should call someone else.
Archie I said it is vainglorious to reproach yourself for lack of omniscience.
The same is true for omnipotence.
Report in when you can.
Is this straight, Goodwin? Yeah, whoever got her keys got in, conked her on the head strangled her and now she's dead.
And you're in Jaffe's apartment right now? Yes.
By God, you stay there.
Put that phone down and get your hands up! Over the next four hours I gave a complete account of the meeting in Wolfe's office and my phone call with Sarah Jaffe.
The four of us disposed of a dozen ham sandwiches six muskmelons and a gallon of coffee.
Wait, wait, hold it, hold it, hold it.
Now, I've just given you everything I got.
I want something from you.
I want to see Inspector Cramer right away and you can fix it for me.
Is this about the case? Yes.
Why won't I do? Because he can say yes to this.
You can't.
Hey, Pearly.
When did I ever ask you for a favor? Never, you're not that dumb.
No, not until now.
I want you to let the inspector know I'm here.
I'm asking for five minutes and you will kindly keep your trap shut.
He's busy.
Well, so am I busy, now, let me just Come on.
What do you want to ask him? It's none of your business Then you don't see him.
Here he is.
Oh, what the hell? What is this? Now, this was my idea.
I got something to say.
Well, I haven't got time.
All right, two minutes, two minutes.
Did Wolfe send you? No, this was my idea.
While Sarah Jaffe was on the phone talking to me her killer was in the closet waiting for her, all right? I told her what to do.
I could've told her to go to an open window and scream.
That might've saved her.
Instead, I had a better idea.
Maybe I was wrong.
What do you want, a medal? No.
I don't want to go home, sit on my ass and wait for Wolfe to have a fit of genius, see? I want to do something here.
I want to sit in on your interviews with the suspects and maybe I cann offer some comments when it's appropriate Typical Wolfe approach.
No, no, this is strictly personal.
I was on the phone with her.
Maybe I can help.
You know him as well as I do, Pearly.
Is this straight? His head's been swelling a long time and he got a bad jolt and he can't take it.
Yeah, I buy it.
We can always toss him out.
All right, Goodwin.
But if this is a dodge I'm going to hook you and I'm going to hook you good.
And not a word to Wolfe or the press or anybody else.
Agreed? Agreed.
I'm going to do a re-take on Helmar.
You want to come along with me? All right, let's go.
Okay, Mr.
Helmar, we're going to take it one more time.
I've known her since she was a baby.
I held her in my arms that's right, ja, I remember bah, bah, bah, let's shoot the breeze? been associated with Softdown? 31 years! Couldn't Mr.
Goodwin? This is a joke perpetrated probably by the lackey on my left.
I have no idea why I'm here.
This is preposterous.
you could hear him say? "Hubba, hubba, hubba, yuk, yuk "? Good morning.
Morning.
Good God, you look awful.
Thanks.
What's for breakfast? Well, you relax, I'll make you something.
You know this is, uh, getting to be a habit.
What is? This early breakfast around this time in the morning.
Yesterday, I was poaching eggs for Mr.
Wolfe and Saul.
You were what? Poaching eggs for Mr.
Wolfe and Saul.
Uh-huh, Saul's taking over my job, I suppose.
I have no idea what Saul is doing.
I'll be right back.
There was nothing on the desk that gave any hint of what Wolfe wanted with Saul but in the safe I found a slip of paper that hadn't been there before a notation that Wolfe had given Saul two grand from our emergency fund.
Naturally, I tried to decide what Saul Panzer was supposed to be doing with 2,000 bucks.
I made a lot of guesses, but I bought none of them.
What are you, checking your mascara? What do you want? Where the hell have you been? Look at me, doesn't it show? Yeah.
Let me touch you.
I'm supposed to bring you in.
They want you up at the commissioner's office.
Give me a minute.
During the last 40 hours we've had more men on this case than on any other in my time and I can't see that we have gained an inch and everyone agrees with me.
There were 11 people present in that room when those keys were lifted and we need to get a line on the lifting.
More questioning won't do it.
We want to take everyone back to Nero Wolfe's office and repeat as closely as we can everything that was said and done on Thursday evening.
Now, we can't compel Wolfe to let us in much less do his part.
So, we want you, Mr.
Goodwin to convince him.
Well, I'll tell you, you guys are rare.
Rare breed.
Rare as rocking horse manure.
Come on, Goodwin, don't start with the hard-to-get stuff and don't be witty.
Last Tuesday, six days ago I was sitting on a bench in this building.
Mr.
Wolfe was dragged down here by Rowcliff and now you know how he felt about it then.
Well, he's still sore as a pup and now you got a lot of gall to ask me to ask him to do this.
We need him to say yes.
Hey, everybody needs something, commissioner.
Inspector Cramer here needs to stop chomping his cigar.
Does that stop him? What phone do I use? Nero Wolfe speaking.
Uh, yeah, it's Archie.
Have you had breakfast yet? No.
Anyway, listen.
I'm calling on behalf of the people of the state of New York.
Indeed.
Yes, yes.
The whole shebang from the commissioner down to Lieutenant Rowcliff which is quite a distance.
Wou going to drag this out? Hey, I'm through dragging.
Here's the point: we're flumped.
We want to do a playback of last Thursday night with the original cast and all you got to do to play your part is let us in and just be there, right? I've told my associates that it's almost certain you're going to tell us to go to hell, and Very well.
Huh? When would you like to do this? Uh well, as soon as possible? Very well.
I never refuse a reasonable request from a client.
This request seems reasonable, therefore I grant it.
Shall we say 12:00? Will that be convenient? Uh sure.
Yeah, yeah, that'll, uh, suit them fine.
I must've got the wrong number because Come on, spill it, Goodwin.
He said okay.
We're to be there at noon.
I didn't add that I had a strong suspicion there was going to be script revisions.
Will you all please be seated as you were on Thursday evening.
Thank you.
Not by any of us, and not by any of the cast.
I was here Okay, I believe this is the way it was when Mr.
Wolfe entered.
Does anyone disagree? Then I will ring Mr.
Wolfe.
I will be sitting where Mrs.
Jaffe was.
Uh, you gentlemen don't look very comfortable.
We're all right.
These people have been told why they have been brought here? Yes.
Everybody's been completely informed.
Then, may we proceed? Please do.
There was a little tingle in my spine.
I knew his look and manner as well as I did his voice and there was no doubt about it he was going to pull one or try to.
Miss Duday and gentlemen.
You understand that the purpose of this gathering is for us to iterate our words and movements of last Thursday evening.
But before we do so, I wish to make some remarks.
After you people left that evening I told Mr.
Goodwin that I thought I knew who killed Priscilla Eades and Margaret Folmos.
I based that on two things: first, my impressions of all of you and, second, the fact that Mrs.
Folmos was killed.
What? How does a fact that Mrs.
Folmos was murdered solve Priscilla Eades murder? Because the supposition that the attack on Mrs.
Folmos was solely for the purpose of getting the keys to Miss Eades' apartment was clearly not acceptable if any alternative could be had.
Well, maybe she, uh, recognized her attacker and that's why she was killed.
That assumption was not impossible but it implied that the murderer was an egregious bungler and I doubted it.
I prefer to assume exactly the opposite.
That Mrs.
Folmos had been killed not because she recognized her attacker but because he knew she couldn't recognize him.
Is this for effect or do you think you're getting somewhere? I am already somewhere.
I just told you who the murderer is.
Go on and spell it.
He wanted the keys, certainly but he didn't have to kill Mrs.
Folmos to get them.
He killed her because she was, herself, a danger to him.
As great a danger as Miss Eades.
It would have ne him no good to kill the one unless he killed the other.
I won't say I caught up with Wolfe but at least I could see his dust.
And I admit that I had also seen Saul Panzer not with any flourish, take a gun from his pocket and rest it on his thigh.
I suppose that the point here is that Eric Hagh is not Hagh.
He's a ringer? I knew all this Thursday evening but there was a contradiction that had to be solved.
What is that contradiction, Archie? Uh, well, if, uh, Sarah Jaffe knew that it wasn't Hagh how come she didn't say on Thursday night? Are you saying you knew who the murderer was that night and didn't notify anybody? Phooey.
That's childish.
I had no evidence.
You have every scrap of information, Mr.
Bowen, I have and the services of Mr.
Goodwin, to boot which is a great advantage when his head is on straight.
It was only a hypothesis.
It only became more when Mrs.
Jaffe was killed and it was violently, tragically and completely validated.
But I still had no evidence so I phoned Saul Panzer and supplied him with money a newspaper photo of the man calling himself Mr.
Hagh and sent him on a flight to Cahamarka, Peru.
You tell them, Saul.
At Cahamarka I found people that knew Hagh and I learned that Hagh was a professional gambler that he had not been in Cahamarka in three years and that this is not Eric Hagh.
Now, everybody there knew about the paper that Miss Eades had signed giving the real Hagh half her fortune.
Hagh said that it was her idea to do it but he was too proud a man to sponge off a woman so he just kept the paper as a souvenir.
I couldn't ask Hagh about it 'cause he had died in a snowslide three months ago.
But the man that I had pictures of the man that I'm looking at right now is Sigfreid Meucke, also a professional gambler and he was in the mountains with Hagh when the slide happened.
Armed with Miss Eades' letter to her now deceased ex-husband Meucke decided that to pursue his claim for half of Miss Eades estate would require his presence in New York.
And, of course, it would be fatal to his plans if either Miss Eades or Mrs.
Folmos ever got a glimpse of him since they knew he wasn't Hagh.
There was only one way to solve that difficulty.
They had to die.
So, uh, why didn't Jaffe say anything? Because it was not in her character to do so.
She didn't like to get involved with anyone or anything.
She came here Thursday to lend her name to a legal action only because she was under great obligation to Mr.
Goodwin.
No, she did not denounce him.
But, somehow indubitably made him aware that she knew he was not Eric Hagh.
He knew immediately that he was in deadly peril from her and he acted quickly and audaciously taking the keys from her bag.
You waylaid Mrs.
Jaffe.
You struck her and strangled her exactly as you had done to Miss Eades and Mrs.
Folmos.
I said you were no bungler, sir but the truth is Congratulations, Mr.
Wolfe.
You must be very proud.
Well Gentlemen.
Come on, get up.
Come on.
Nice socks.
There you are.
Every Friday morning at 11:00, after Nero Wolfe comes down from the plant rooms on the roof he signs the salary checks.
There seems to be a check missing.
Ah, and what check would that be? Yours.
Well, you know, I like to get paid uh, for my labors, just like the next man but, uh, last week I was on leave.
Uh, what-what's this for? Enough of this flummery.
Take your check.
But, technically, I wasn't here as your assistant but as your client therefore, it is I who should be paying you.
Now at present, this is all I can afford.
I don't get paid much.
Phooey.
Very well.
Archie!