Netflix Presents: The Characters (2016) s01e05 Episode Script
Natasha Rothwell
1 [piano music playing.]
[chattering.]
[Natasha.]
Thank you for coming! [man.]
Surprise! [laughter.]
[Natasha.]
Oh, no, I really Thank you so much! [music playing.]
[Natasha.]
Yeah, come again, for sure! Let me know when you're here.
- [woman.]
I am just so proud of you! - [Natasha.]
All right, take care! [sighs.]
That's cute.
[sings.]
In the forest of love! No.
Never listens.
No, I did both.
I hit him and then I hit him.
[sighs.]
Just one.
[alarm clock blaring.]
[alarm clock continues blaring.]
[snorts.]
I've made bad choices.
Shit! "Natasha, I owe you one Pop-Tart.
Love, Natasha.
" Hold the door! Hold the door! Thank you! How did I? That's not even on, so none of that counted.
Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.
I am homeless.
I sleep on the sidewalk, and I spend my days in the New York Public Library.
Because of that, I have read all of George R.
R.
Martin's [bellows.]
Game Of Thrones ! There are four.
I know what is going to happen on the TV show.
I will tell you if you do not give me money.
No? The most recent book is A Dance With Dragons, which I have read.
So I know what happens to Jon Snow.
Everybody knows he's dead.
Or is he? Or is he? Thank you very much.
A subway rider, like a Lannister, always pays his debts.
Now, while I have read these books, I have yet to realize my dream of seeing them brought to life.
Will someone kindly give me their HBO Go, or their HBO Now password? No? I guess I will have to tell you which character turns into a tree.
Now, I know that sounds stupid, but there is a lot of stupid shit that happened in the books that ain't happened on the show yet.
This is my password.
Please shut up about Game Of Thrones .
You should always have a capital letter.
OK? I could guess this.
Valar morghulis.
[hums dramatically.]
Action and dragons And fire And midgets And dragons Well, today is your lucky day, for I cannot spoil The Power of Now.
For one's journey to self-discovery cannot be tampered with.
Do some yoga.
Well, well, well.
It looks like we got ourselves a hero! [woman clears throat.]
I think she's deaf.
[signs.]
J-o-f-f-r-e-y has N-e-d executed.
[signs.]
Why would you do that? [says out loud.]
The public library offers ASL classes every Thursday at seven, in an air-conditioned room.
[passengers complain.]
[yells.]
You want to know how I became homeless, huh? Well, let me tell you.
It all started back at Castle Black.
That's what I called my home in Michigan.
Then my kingdom was invaded.
Not by dragons but by an adjustable-rate mortgage lender.
[dramatic music playing.]
Then, in 2008, winter came.
So I headed south to escape the White Walkers.
The White Walkers were white men who walked up to my house with eviction papers.
So now I am without a home much like Brienne of Tarth.
I can see that my heartfelt story did not affect this grown-ass man reading Harry Potter.
Well, guess what? Dumbledore gets killed on page 596! [passenger.]
Jesus! [passengers groaning.]
Come on! Santa isn't real! The Easter Bunny is your mother! Why are you sweating, huh? You ain't riding your bike, you riding the train.
Bike inside the train, put the train on the plane.
Use your legs.
Well, well, well.
I know that face.
That's the face of a woman reading 50 Shades Of Grey.
Well, guess what? You don't give me money I'm going to tell you what happens after Anastasia signs a contract [whispers.]
for butt sex.
Thank you very much.
It's more butt sex.
[chiming.]
Oh, come on! Come on! I didn't even get to talk about Dinklage Lannister yet, or what happens to Katniss! Because I am well read, and that undermines your expectations.
Get out my house! Count my money.
Oh, look at that! I'm going to get Chipotle and a guac, bitch! [man from video.]
This concludes a brief overview on why juries matter.
Thank you for your service, and welcome to jury duty.
He didn't spoil my book, so now I have to read the whole thing.
You don't have to.
[with Jamaican accent.]
That's the fourth time they've played that video.
If me employer catches me showing these kids television, she going to tell all her friends in the book club.
Instead of talking about The Goldfinch, they'll be talking about me.
I had a goldfish once.
Had to flush it down the toilet, because it was interested in me sexually.
You know, every time I took a bath with it, it just stared 'twixt my legs, looking at my tomato omelet, if you know what I mean? What is wrong with you, huh? You look like you sucked a sick dick.
Well, if you must know about five hours ago, I fell off of a bar, trying to drink out of the taps.
And if you haven't noticed, it's 8 a.
m.
It's a time I haven't seen since I waited outside The Today Show to get a free makeover for my sister's wedding, so my mother wouldn't comment on my lack of effort.
And, to top it all off, I overslept, OK? Which means I haven't had breakfast yet.
So that might be why I look like I sucked a sick dick! [with Spanish accent.]
Uh-uh.
Looks like somebody is hangry! Come esto.
That's dry fruit.
It's from my Etsy shop, Hoops De Frutas.
I take dry fruit and I make hoop earrings.
Always remember to bring snacks, OK? Además, if you are on the witness stand don't wink.
It looks pretty, but is not a good idea.
Porque the last time I was on the witness stand, I wink, my brother, he goes to jail.
Yale? That's where all the white parents want their kids to go.
Talking about "Go, Bulldogs!" and all of that.
I think she meant jail, not Yale.
Jail! Like, "Oh, no! I dropped the soap! Ayúdame.
" My ex-husband twice removed, he liked to bulldog.
That's like doggy style, except with shorter legs and more skin.
Looks like you done raw doggy style, ended up with a whole litter.
They ain't my kids, thank Satan's skies! I watch the Upper East Side white babies for the Upper East Side white money.
I'll show you my Upper East Side.
Spoiler alert it is just one long, dusty hallway.
Just long and dry.
¡Ay, diós! The hallway that goes to the electric chair is so dusty.
It's like, show some respect, you know? I think she's talking about her [whispers.]
vagina.
Of course I am! She's a shy bitch, but she the best old friend I got.
Want to take a look? OK.
The next juror is Sue Miller.
Sue Miller? [man.]
Miller? Miller? Susan Miller? Oh! Yes, that's me.
OK.
Fantastic.
So, what brings you in today? Well, I went camping this past weekend at Big Bear Lake.
Let's get a move on.
We got a bunch of people waiting, and everybody's sick.
What's wrong with you, baby girl? Like I was saying, I went camping this weekend at Big Bear Lake, and I woke up covered in these itchy bumps.
I think it's like poison ivy or something.
All right.
Put your arm under here and we're gonna get a closer look, OK? Oh, that's not poison ivy.
You were bitten by chiggers.
Excuse me? You were bitten by little tiny insects called chiggers.
That's rough.
You still got a couple on you now.
Oh, no! Should I be worried? No! It's just two.
Now, if it were a group of chiggers I'd call the police.
These parasitic larvae are also known as scrub-itch mites, berry bugs and harvest mites.
But in the streets, just plain chiggers.
They can be found in the forest, near lakes and streams.
And after 1954, some started appearing in schools.
I should have been more careful.
What are you trying to say? I've been camping at Big Bear before, they just never bothered me before.
What do you expect? You move into their neck of the woods - And she want to get mad - [both.]
Because they there.
[scoffs.]
You know what? Let me take another look to see if they've spread.
Mm-hmm.
They've really settled in there.
I'm scared.
Don't be.
Not every chigger you come across is up to no good.
- I didn't say that.
- Yeah, but you thought it, right? - Ain't that what you thought? - Yes.
I'm sorry.
Where I grew up, there were a lot of ch harvest mites that were up to no good.
Listen, I understand that, but you can't let one bad experience with a chigger make you assume things about all chiggers! You know, when I was in college, I got out there, I was fearless.
Sophomore year, I woke up with a chigger.
in my bed, laying next to me.
- When my parents found out, they freaked.
- [doctor.]
Let me guess.
They thought that just because you had one chigger in your bed meant there would be more, and you just might bring a chigger home? Exactly.
- That's that shit I don't like.
- Right? At the end of the day, all the chigger want is respect.
But society look at a chigger and want to treat a chigger like a chigger.
I hear you.
Are we still talking about bugs? [both.]
No! Let's talk about how to get rid of them, OK? Do I need to get a shot? - A shot? - Whoa! - OK.
A shot? - Here we go! - Here we go! - All right.
- Why are you filming me? - Just in case.
Just in case.
[doctor.]
Let me tell you something.
You can't go around shooting chiggers just 'cause you scared.
That is not what I meant.
What did you mean? What did you mean? - I don't know.
- You know what? If you really want to get rid of them that bad here's some benzocaine ointment, OK? It'll raise prices on everything around them, and they'll leave on their own.
[male nurse chuckles humorlessly.]
[male nurse sniffs.]
- They're going to be all right.
- All right.
- They going to be all right! - [male nurse sobs.]
All right.
- Go on and finish up your work.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Call Isabelle.
- I'm gonna do that.
Make a follow-up appointment with her.
She nasty.
[male nurse.]
Yeah, she got HPV.
- Bye.
- Oh.
[melodramatic music playing.]
Dollar slices, I love those.
Mine was 78 cents.
- Perks of being a woman, I guess! - Yeah.
You probably get this all the time, but you look just like Tyson Beckford.
I am Tyson Beckford.
[chuckles.]
And I'm the Queen of England! [adopts English accent.]
Do you want a spot of tea? Beckham! Fish and chips! [without accent.]
You were not kidding.
You're You're Tyson Beckford.
I'm Natasha.
That's my dog's name.
[Natasha thinking.]
Please let him be cute.
Hope he's cute! He's not.
Cool, cool, cool.
But you are.
[Natasha thinking.]
Did Tyson fucking Beckford just call me cute? Sorry, that was cheesy.
Of course it is, it's pizza! "Pizza"! [Natasha thinking.]
Don't stop laughing until he does.
Pizza! This is cheese on pizza, so that's [chuckles.]
It's cheesy, that's why.
Oh, man! So, what brings you here? Jury duty.
You, too? I wish.
I am actually here because, you know [Natasha thinking.]
Holy shit! He's single! Natasha Beckford.
Mrs.
Beckford.
Mrs.
Tyson Beckford.
Swipe right.
Swipe right! What are you doing? - Was there something on my face? - No.
I was making sure you were paying attention, because this park can be dangerous.
There are a lot of criminals in New York City.
Well, I'll protect you.
[Natasha thinking.]
Yeah, you will.
- So, what do you do? - I'm not usually this heavy.
- No, you go.
- I am sorry.
You go.
- Are you from New York? - This is my third slice.
I haven't had sex in so long, I'm practically a virgin.
You should go, so You go, for real.
What do you like to do for fun? I I have a Fitbit.
How many steps did you do today? Eight.
I'd ask you to go for a walk sometime, but I think your boyfriend would be pretty mad.
[Natasha thinking.]
The last time I had a boyfriend, Obama was still a senator! I would love to go on a walk with you.
I never thought I would find someone who could walk.
I never thought I'd meet someone like you.
So you want to do this again, but on purpose? Yeah, I would, but there is something I have got to tell you.
[Natasha thinking.]
You're gay! You're Republican.
You're a gay Republican, and you hate dogs.
Orange is the new black man? I tried to tell you.
Look, I know I've only known you for four minutes and zero steps, but I can tell that you're a good man.
The type of man that wouldn't even care if my boobs were monstrously lopsided.
And they are.
But they're still fun.
I know they would be.
But I'm sorry I'm not the man you thought I was.
[Natasha shushes Tyson.]
I've always wanted to have a conjugal visit.
So, what are you doing in 10-15 years? I don't know.
Probably a hysterectomy.
[romantic music playing.]
[Natasha thinking.]
I can't wait to tweet about this! Hey! You forgot something! A piece of my heart? No, these super tampons.
You keep them as something to remember me by.
I am going to take one of these, because I don't keep track of my period.
[man.]
I'm Bash Franklin, Metro News 1.
I am standing outside Kings County Courthouse, where a guilty verdict has just been released in the State versus Tyson Beckford.
What a fucking monster.
Who wants to give me some candy? - [man.]
Oh, shit! - [gasps.]
Tynesha is back! [commotion.]
My mom brought me to work today because I brought a jar of peanut butter to school, and apparently nowadays that's considered a terrorist threat.
- Do you need help finding your mom? - No.
But I do need help finding some candy.
Although, I highly recommend that you don't, because refined sugar does strange things to me.
- [calls frantically.]
Donna? Donna? - Riddle me this! Why are you dressed for the job you have instead of the job that you want? I don't know.
Well, like Sheryl Sandberg said in her stirring yet inspirational book, you need to lean in! "Sit down at the table," is what my lunch lady always says to me, but I like to eat standing up! OK.
Well, Tynesha, I have work to do, so A penny for your thoughts.
Why do you spend most of your nights at home alone with your rabbits? If I didn't have them, I would be all alone.
Stop looking for a man to complete you! You need to complete yourself.
And then you find another complete person, and then you put those circles together to form an infinity symbol! That's the number eight taking a nap.
Something that I never do.
[cries.]
You are right, Tynesha.
Thank you.
I bid you adieu.
My search for candy has come up short in this cubicle.
Also, sitting on that ball ain't going to do nothing.
Seaton.
Tynesha.
So, we meet again.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I got a phone call.
Ain't nobody on the other end of that Bluetooth.
I am talking to my buddy.
My buddy is a blonde doll made for lonely kids to pretend like they have a friend.
Do your pretend friendships make you feel lonely? - I have a lot of real bros, all right? - Let me guess.
They always show up at the bar, but when you really need them, they are hard to find.
Much like I am after recess, because I like to hide out in a burnt-out tree when the bell rings.
It has got a hole in it, and I sneak inside, and they can't they like, "Tynesha!" And I am like, "You can't find me.
" I'm a real man.
I don't need friends.
I'm fine by myself.
Masculinity should not be used as a mask for fear.
My gym teacher told me that, and I said to him, "I am not a boy.
" And he was very surprised.
Tynesha, how old are you? And why are you so big? I am between two and ten, and my dad is a professional athlete.
My journey continues.
You need to move out of your mom's house.
She's trying to date again! Yeah, she deserves to be happy.
- Use that thing to cut your hair.
- [employee.]
I've tried.
- How am I supposed to feel prioritized? - I know.
It's going to be OK.
- [Molly.]
It is not! - Don't cry! Don't cry! Molly! You is kind you is smart you is important.
Thank you! - Was that a quote from The Help? - Yeah.
Seriously, my kingdom for a juice box! I don't need your juice box anyway.
Because I'm going to make my own juice box.
That is what I'm going to do, and nobody can tell me nothing! Hey, Tynesha! Oh, what's up, my man? [Tynesha whoops.]
How you been? You know, actually, not so good.
- Tiffany broke up with me.
- Oh, man! You got to remember what I told you.
Your task is not to seek love, but to seek and find the barriers within yourself that you have built up against it.
Wow! Thank you! [both mimic an explosion.]
[both laugh.]
- Go get them, player! You do that! - I will! Oh, and one more thing.
Consider zinc-free antiperspirant.
In a lot of adults, zinc activates the sweat glands.
You are one of those adults.
I ain't balling at you.
You so crazy! You the only one I like, and my mom works here! I'm saving one life at a time.
This concludes a brief overview of why juries matter.
Thank you for your service and welcome to jury duty.
If I get on a jury, I hope the crime is man's laughter.
No one should be imprisoned for experiencing or feeling joy.
For the last time, it's manslaughter, not man's laughter.
It's one word.
It's like the first thing you learn on Law & Order.
Well, I'm going to set them free.
That's not how this works.
We can't set them free.
We need due process.
I'm talking about my big-ass ta-tas! My bra looks like a Viking helmet for conjoined twins, except one's head bigger than the other.
You know what I'm talking about.
Got them lopsided titties.
Can I just say that I love that it's mostly women here? Matt Gatley? Matthew Gatley? This is taking too long! No matter what case they put me on, I'm going to say him's guilty, because in America, the man's always guilty until him's proven innocent.
That's stupid! This one time, I accidentally, like, uh-oh, Like, I stabbed my sister.
And I was like that's not guiltying, you know? - That is obstruction of justice.
- No.
Who are we to judge? - Who are we to judge? - We are the jury.
Kill him.
That's Jamaican justice.
No porque that is not justice! - Shut your mouth! - No, you shut up! - Keep your mouth shut! - Thank you! Porque a man that comes over to me, I judge him, I judge you.
Not how this works.
If we're going to be judges, we should at least get free robes.
That is exac What? No! I judge myself.
That's why I do all this.
I am not someone to judge, OK? - Who said you have a point of view? - Thank you! I just made out with a convict! Just because you swing a dick, think you know what you talking about.
That is not No! That is not justice if you don't have the scales.
You know damn well what I am saying.
Do you have scales? [women argue.]
[shouts.]
Enough! Y'all ain't fit to judge another life unless you seen a man die.
And I have.
It was 1944.
I was working as a nurse in Japan during World War II.
There I was, next to the bedside of a young gentleman having a horrible allergic reaction to a bullet.
And he kept screaming, "Give me some apple pie! Give me some apple pie!" And you know what? Instead, I just gave him some medicine to stop his heart.
Because we needed the bed and he was going to die anyway.
The end.
But why? Why would he think you had apple pie? Well, ain't you just as simple as you look? Apple pie is a euphemism for penetrating an American woman covered in applesauce.
And I had just run out of sauce, so I couldn't fulfill that man's dying wish.
I wasn't going to say all that, but let the record show you pulled at the thread.
Listen I know it may seem like we've wasted an entire day in this waiting room, when we could have been home, horizontal on a couch, within an arm's reach of cheese.
But we're here for a reason: to serve our fellow man.
OK? And I, for one I'm proud to be an American.
All right? O say can O say can you see By By the I am so sorry to interrupt, but the man of my dreams just biked into the courtroom and confessed his love to me, which is exactly what my psychic predicted! So I'm going to be dismissing all of you early, so I can finally use the other side of my hot tub, if you know what I mean? So you're all free to go.
- You guys can go.
- OK.
- [clerk.]
Go, go, go.
- All right.
I'm gonna take three and leave you two.
The address is on their feet.
[cheering.]
Hey! I'm sorry I'm late.
I had jury duty.
Emphasis on duty.
Can you tell how much I've been sweating? Nice yoga pants.
Oh, thank you! I got them at Forever 21.
They were only three bucks.
Sweetie, you haven't been 21 in a long time.
I know, but I like them, and they're affordable.
[coughs.]
Basic.
What did you just say? I called you basic, but coughed because I'm embarrassed for you.
- Basic? - Yeah.
Basic? You calling me basic? [hip hop music playing.]
[laughs.]
Oh you have no idea.
That's right, I'm a basic bitch Forever 21 got me looking rich Nicholas Sparks is my favorite author I drink Diet Coke Like it's goddamn water I wear yoga pants Every day of the week I've got heels in my purse And TOMS on my feet No clean underwear? Yo, that's no problem I'm just gonna wear my bikini bottoms! I'm a basic, basic, basic bitch I never leave home Without my selfie stick I'm a basic, basic, basic bitch If there's karaoke I'm singing Taylor Swift Are you really taking pictures of yourself eating Chipotle? Yeah, my fast-food-Friday pics are the best.
You know Chipotle is fast casual, not fast food, right? Sorry, sweetie, you're basic.
All day every day.
Hell yeah, I'm a basic bitch! If you don't like my selfies You can suck my dick! Take pictures of my food Instagramming every bite Tweeting all my feelings Counting all my likes I drink a lot of juice Because I'm always on a cleanse Sex and the City Reminds me of my friends Got The Bachelor and Shonda On my DVR I order a vodka and cran at every bar I'm a basic, basic, basic bitch I got a vision board on Pinterest I'm a basic, basic, basic bitch If there's karaoke I'm singing Taylor Swift Excuse me? I noticed you eating hummus all by yourself.
Is that roasted red pepper or sun-dried tomato? It's both.
I like to mix them up.
Man! Basic is beautiful! That's right, I'm a basic bitch Chobani Greek yogurt Man, that's my shit! She likes scarves and UGGs And drinking boxed wine Inspirational quotes That'll blow your mind Bath & Body Works They know her by name Three Starbucks a day No shame in my game! She loves to brunch and watch HGTV Wanna know my type? It's B-A-S-I-C I'm a basic, basic, basic bitch She makes a duck face When she's taking pics I'm a basic, basic, basic bitch If there's karaoke She's singing Taylor Swift We love scented candles And we cry on the train We're hashtag blessed 'Cause we love champagne We read our horoscope And drink Two-Buck Chuck We rock granny panties 'Cause we don't give a fuck! I'm a basic, basic, basic bitch Calling me basic is a compliment I'm a basic, basic, basic bitch If there's karaoke I'm singing Taylor Swift I'm a basic, basic, basic bitch I'm a basic, basic, basic bitch I'm a basic, basic, basic bitch If there's karaoke I'm singing Taylor Swift [explosion.]
[chattering.]
[Natasha.]
Thank you for coming! [man.]
Surprise! [laughter.]
[Natasha.]
Oh, no, I really Thank you so much! [music playing.]
[Natasha.]
Yeah, come again, for sure! Let me know when you're here.
- [woman.]
I am just so proud of you! - [Natasha.]
All right, take care! [sighs.]
That's cute.
[sings.]
In the forest of love! No.
Never listens.
No, I did both.
I hit him and then I hit him.
[sighs.]
Just one.
[alarm clock blaring.]
[alarm clock continues blaring.]
[snorts.]
I've made bad choices.
Shit! "Natasha, I owe you one Pop-Tart.
Love, Natasha.
" Hold the door! Hold the door! Thank you! How did I? That's not even on, so none of that counted.
Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.
I am homeless.
I sleep on the sidewalk, and I spend my days in the New York Public Library.
Because of that, I have read all of George R.
R.
Martin's [bellows.]
Game Of Thrones ! There are four.
I know what is going to happen on the TV show.
I will tell you if you do not give me money.
No? The most recent book is A Dance With Dragons, which I have read.
So I know what happens to Jon Snow.
Everybody knows he's dead.
Or is he? Or is he? Thank you very much.
A subway rider, like a Lannister, always pays his debts.
Now, while I have read these books, I have yet to realize my dream of seeing them brought to life.
Will someone kindly give me their HBO Go, or their HBO Now password? No? I guess I will have to tell you which character turns into a tree.
Now, I know that sounds stupid, but there is a lot of stupid shit that happened in the books that ain't happened on the show yet.
This is my password.
Please shut up about Game Of Thrones .
You should always have a capital letter.
OK? I could guess this.
Valar morghulis.
[hums dramatically.]
Action and dragons And fire And midgets And dragons Well, today is your lucky day, for I cannot spoil The Power of Now.
For one's journey to self-discovery cannot be tampered with.
Do some yoga.
Well, well, well.
It looks like we got ourselves a hero! [woman clears throat.]
I think she's deaf.
[signs.]
J-o-f-f-r-e-y has N-e-d executed.
[signs.]
Why would you do that? [says out loud.]
The public library offers ASL classes every Thursday at seven, in an air-conditioned room.
[passengers complain.]
[yells.]
You want to know how I became homeless, huh? Well, let me tell you.
It all started back at Castle Black.
That's what I called my home in Michigan.
Then my kingdom was invaded.
Not by dragons but by an adjustable-rate mortgage lender.
[dramatic music playing.]
Then, in 2008, winter came.
So I headed south to escape the White Walkers.
The White Walkers were white men who walked up to my house with eviction papers.
So now I am without a home much like Brienne of Tarth.
I can see that my heartfelt story did not affect this grown-ass man reading Harry Potter.
Well, guess what? Dumbledore gets killed on page 596! [passenger.]
Jesus! [passengers groaning.]
Come on! Santa isn't real! The Easter Bunny is your mother! Why are you sweating, huh? You ain't riding your bike, you riding the train.
Bike inside the train, put the train on the plane.
Use your legs.
Well, well, well.
I know that face.
That's the face of a woman reading 50 Shades Of Grey.
Well, guess what? You don't give me money I'm going to tell you what happens after Anastasia signs a contract [whispers.]
for butt sex.
Thank you very much.
It's more butt sex.
[chiming.]
Oh, come on! Come on! I didn't even get to talk about Dinklage Lannister yet, or what happens to Katniss! Because I am well read, and that undermines your expectations.
Get out my house! Count my money.
Oh, look at that! I'm going to get Chipotle and a guac, bitch! [man from video.]
This concludes a brief overview on why juries matter.
Thank you for your service, and welcome to jury duty.
He didn't spoil my book, so now I have to read the whole thing.
You don't have to.
[with Jamaican accent.]
That's the fourth time they've played that video.
If me employer catches me showing these kids television, she going to tell all her friends in the book club.
Instead of talking about The Goldfinch, they'll be talking about me.
I had a goldfish once.
Had to flush it down the toilet, because it was interested in me sexually.
You know, every time I took a bath with it, it just stared 'twixt my legs, looking at my tomato omelet, if you know what I mean? What is wrong with you, huh? You look like you sucked a sick dick.
Well, if you must know about five hours ago, I fell off of a bar, trying to drink out of the taps.
And if you haven't noticed, it's 8 a.
m.
It's a time I haven't seen since I waited outside The Today Show to get a free makeover for my sister's wedding, so my mother wouldn't comment on my lack of effort.
And, to top it all off, I overslept, OK? Which means I haven't had breakfast yet.
So that might be why I look like I sucked a sick dick! [with Spanish accent.]
Uh-uh.
Looks like somebody is hangry! Come esto.
That's dry fruit.
It's from my Etsy shop, Hoops De Frutas.
I take dry fruit and I make hoop earrings.
Always remember to bring snacks, OK? Además, if you are on the witness stand don't wink.
It looks pretty, but is not a good idea.
Porque the last time I was on the witness stand, I wink, my brother, he goes to jail.
Yale? That's where all the white parents want their kids to go.
Talking about "Go, Bulldogs!" and all of that.
I think she meant jail, not Yale.
Jail! Like, "Oh, no! I dropped the soap! Ayúdame.
" My ex-husband twice removed, he liked to bulldog.
That's like doggy style, except with shorter legs and more skin.
Looks like you done raw doggy style, ended up with a whole litter.
They ain't my kids, thank Satan's skies! I watch the Upper East Side white babies for the Upper East Side white money.
I'll show you my Upper East Side.
Spoiler alert it is just one long, dusty hallway.
Just long and dry.
¡Ay, diós! The hallway that goes to the electric chair is so dusty.
It's like, show some respect, you know? I think she's talking about her [whispers.]
vagina.
Of course I am! She's a shy bitch, but she the best old friend I got.
Want to take a look? OK.
The next juror is Sue Miller.
Sue Miller? [man.]
Miller? Miller? Susan Miller? Oh! Yes, that's me.
OK.
Fantastic.
So, what brings you in today? Well, I went camping this past weekend at Big Bear Lake.
Let's get a move on.
We got a bunch of people waiting, and everybody's sick.
What's wrong with you, baby girl? Like I was saying, I went camping this weekend at Big Bear Lake, and I woke up covered in these itchy bumps.
I think it's like poison ivy or something.
All right.
Put your arm under here and we're gonna get a closer look, OK? Oh, that's not poison ivy.
You were bitten by chiggers.
Excuse me? You were bitten by little tiny insects called chiggers.
That's rough.
You still got a couple on you now.
Oh, no! Should I be worried? No! It's just two.
Now, if it were a group of chiggers I'd call the police.
These parasitic larvae are also known as scrub-itch mites, berry bugs and harvest mites.
But in the streets, just plain chiggers.
They can be found in the forest, near lakes and streams.
And after 1954, some started appearing in schools.
I should have been more careful.
What are you trying to say? I've been camping at Big Bear before, they just never bothered me before.
What do you expect? You move into their neck of the woods - And she want to get mad - [both.]
Because they there.
[scoffs.]
You know what? Let me take another look to see if they've spread.
Mm-hmm.
They've really settled in there.
I'm scared.
Don't be.
Not every chigger you come across is up to no good.
- I didn't say that.
- Yeah, but you thought it, right? - Ain't that what you thought? - Yes.
I'm sorry.
Where I grew up, there were a lot of ch harvest mites that were up to no good.
Listen, I understand that, but you can't let one bad experience with a chigger make you assume things about all chiggers! You know, when I was in college, I got out there, I was fearless.
Sophomore year, I woke up with a chigger.
in my bed, laying next to me.
- When my parents found out, they freaked.
- [doctor.]
Let me guess.
They thought that just because you had one chigger in your bed meant there would be more, and you just might bring a chigger home? Exactly.
- That's that shit I don't like.
- Right? At the end of the day, all the chigger want is respect.
But society look at a chigger and want to treat a chigger like a chigger.
I hear you.
Are we still talking about bugs? [both.]
No! Let's talk about how to get rid of them, OK? Do I need to get a shot? - A shot? - Whoa! - OK.
A shot? - Here we go! - Here we go! - All right.
- Why are you filming me? - Just in case.
Just in case.
[doctor.]
Let me tell you something.
You can't go around shooting chiggers just 'cause you scared.
That is not what I meant.
What did you mean? What did you mean? - I don't know.
- You know what? If you really want to get rid of them that bad here's some benzocaine ointment, OK? It'll raise prices on everything around them, and they'll leave on their own.
[male nurse chuckles humorlessly.]
[male nurse sniffs.]
- They're going to be all right.
- All right.
- They going to be all right! - [male nurse sobs.]
All right.
- Go on and finish up your work.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Call Isabelle.
- I'm gonna do that.
Make a follow-up appointment with her.
She nasty.
[male nurse.]
Yeah, she got HPV.
- Bye.
- Oh.
[melodramatic music playing.]
Dollar slices, I love those.
Mine was 78 cents.
- Perks of being a woman, I guess! - Yeah.
You probably get this all the time, but you look just like Tyson Beckford.
I am Tyson Beckford.
[chuckles.]
And I'm the Queen of England! [adopts English accent.]
Do you want a spot of tea? Beckham! Fish and chips! [without accent.]
You were not kidding.
You're You're Tyson Beckford.
I'm Natasha.
That's my dog's name.
[Natasha thinking.]
Please let him be cute.
Hope he's cute! He's not.
Cool, cool, cool.
But you are.
[Natasha thinking.]
Did Tyson fucking Beckford just call me cute? Sorry, that was cheesy.
Of course it is, it's pizza! "Pizza"! [Natasha thinking.]
Don't stop laughing until he does.
Pizza! This is cheese on pizza, so that's [chuckles.]
It's cheesy, that's why.
Oh, man! So, what brings you here? Jury duty.
You, too? I wish.
I am actually here because, you know [Natasha thinking.]
Holy shit! He's single! Natasha Beckford.
Mrs.
Beckford.
Mrs.
Tyson Beckford.
Swipe right.
Swipe right! What are you doing? - Was there something on my face? - No.
I was making sure you were paying attention, because this park can be dangerous.
There are a lot of criminals in New York City.
Well, I'll protect you.
[Natasha thinking.]
Yeah, you will.
- So, what do you do? - I'm not usually this heavy.
- No, you go.
- I am sorry.
You go.
- Are you from New York? - This is my third slice.
I haven't had sex in so long, I'm practically a virgin.
You should go, so You go, for real.
What do you like to do for fun? I I have a Fitbit.
How many steps did you do today? Eight.
I'd ask you to go for a walk sometime, but I think your boyfriend would be pretty mad.
[Natasha thinking.]
The last time I had a boyfriend, Obama was still a senator! I would love to go on a walk with you.
I never thought I would find someone who could walk.
I never thought I'd meet someone like you.
So you want to do this again, but on purpose? Yeah, I would, but there is something I have got to tell you.
[Natasha thinking.]
You're gay! You're Republican.
You're a gay Republican, and you hate dogs.
Orange is the new black man? I tried to tell you.
Look, I know I've only known you for four minutes and zero steps, but I can tell that you're a good man.
The type of man that wouldn't even care if my boobs were monstrously lopsided.
And they are.
But they're still fun.
I know they would be.
But I'm sorry I'm not the man you thought I was.
[Natasha shushes Tyson.]
I've always wanted to have a conjugal visit.
So, what are you doing in 10-15 years? I don't know.
Probably a hysterectomy.
[romantic music playing.]
[Natasha thinking.]
I can't wait to tweet about this! Hey! You forgot something! A piece of my heart? No, these super tampons.
You keep them as something to remember me by.
I am going to take one of these, because I don't keep track of my period.
[man.]
I'm Bash Franklin, Metro News 1.
I am standing outside Kings County Courthouse, where a guilty verdict has just been released in the State versus Tyson Beckford.
What a fucking monster.
Who wants to give me some candy? - [man.]
Oh, shit! - [gasps.]
Tynesha is back! [commotion.]
My mom brought me to work today because I brought a jar of peanut butter to school, and apparently nowadays that's considered a terrorist threat.
- Do you need help finding your mom? - No.
But I do need help finding some candy.
Although, I highly recommend that you don't, because refined sugar does strange things to me.
- [calls frantically.]
Donna? Donna? - Riddle me this! Why are you dressed for the job you have instead of the job that you want? I don't know.
Well, like Sheryl Sandberg said in her stirring yet inspirational book, you need to lean in! "Sit down at the table," is what my lunch lady always says to me, but I like to eat standing up! OK.
Well, Tynesha, I have work to do, so A penny for your thoughts.
Why do you spend most of your nights at home alone with your rabbits? If I didn't have them, I would be all alone.
Stop looking for a man to complete you! You need to complete yourself.
And then you find another complete person, and then you put those circles together to form an infinity symbol! That's the number eight taking a nap.
Something that I never do.
[cries.]
You are right, Tynesha.
Thank you.
I bid you adieu.
My search for candy has come up short in this cubicle.
Also, sitting on that ball ain't going to do nothing.
Seaton.
Tynesha.
So, we meet again.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I got a phone call.
Ain't nobody on the other end of that Bluetooth.
I am talking to my buddy.
My buddy is a blonde doll made for lonely kids to pretend like they have a friend.
Do your pretend friendships make you feel lonely? - I have a lot of real bros, all right? - Let me guess.
They always show up at the bar, but when you really need them, they are hard to find.
Much like I am after recess, because I like to hide out in a burnt-out tree when the bell rings.
It has got a hole in it, and I sneak inside, and they can't they like, "Tynesha!" And I am like, "You can't find me.
" I'm a real man.
I don't need friends.
I'm fine by myself.
Masculinity should not be used as a mask for fear.
My gym teacher told me that, and I said to him, "I am not a boy.
" And he was very surprised.
Tynesha, how old are you? And why are you so big? I am between two and ten, and my dad is a professional athlete.
My journey continues.
You need to move out of your mom's house.
She's trying to date again! Yeah, she deserves to be happy.
- Use that thing to cut your hair.
- [employee.]
I've tried.
- How am I supposed to feel prioritized? - I know.
It's going to be OK.
- [Molly.]
It is not! - Don't cry! Don't cry! Molly! You is kind you is smart you is important.
Thank you! - Was that a quote from The Help? - Yeah.
Seriously, my kingdom for a juice box! I don't need your juice box anyway.
Because I'm going to make my own juice box.
That is what I'm going to do, and nobody can tell me nothing! Hey, Tynesha! Oh, what's up, my man? [Tynesha whoops.]
How you been? You know, actually, not so good.
- Tiffany broke up with me.
- Oh, man! You got to remember what I told you.
Your task is not to seek love, but to seek and find the barriers within yourself that you have built up against it.
Wow! Thank you! [both mimic an explosion.]
[both laugh.]
- Go get them, player! You do that! - I will! Oh, and one more thing.
Consider zinc-free antiperspirant.
In a lot of adults, zinc activates the sweat glands.
You are one of those adults.
I ain't balling at you.
You so crazy! You the only one I like, and my mom works here! I'm saving one life at a time.
This concludes a brief overview of why juries matter.
Thank you for your service and welcome to jury duty.
If I get on a jury, I hope the crime is man's laughter.
No one should be imprisoned for experiencing or feeling joy.
For the last time, it's manslaughter, not man's laughter.
It's one word.
It's like the first thing you learn on Law & Order.
Well, I'm going to set them free.
That's not how this works.
We can't set them free.
We need due process.
I'm talking about my big-ass ta-tas! My bra looks like a Viking helmet for conjoined twins, except one's head bigger than the other.
You know what I'm talking about.
Got them lopsided titties.
Can I just say that I love that it's mostly women here? Matt Gatley? Matthew Gatley? This is taking too long! No matter what case they put me on, I'm going to say him's guilty, because in America, the man's always guilty until him's proven innocent.
That's stupid! This one time, I accidentally, like, uh-oh, Like, I stabbed my sister.
And I was like that's not guiltying, you know? - That is obstruction of justice.
- No.
Who are we to judge? - Who are we to judge? - We are the jury.
Kill him.
That's Jamaican justice.
No porque that is not justice! - Shut your mouth! - No, you shut up! - Keep your mouth shut! - Thank you! Porque a man that comes over to me, I judge him, I judge you.
Not how this works.
If we're going to be judges, we should at least get free robes.
That is exac What? No! I judge myself.
That's why I do all this.
I am not someone to judge, OK? - Who said you have a point of view? - Thank you! I just made out with a convict! Just because you swing a dick, think you know what you talking about.
That is not No! That is not justice if you don't have the scales.
You know damn well what I am saying.
Do you have scales? [women argue.]
[shouts.]
Enough! Y'all ain't fit to judge another life unless you seen a man die.
And I have.
It was 1944.
I was working as a nurse in Japan during World War II.
There I was, next to the bedside of a young gentleman having a horrible allergic reaction to a bullet.
And he kept screaming, "Give me some apple pie! Give me some apple pie!" And you know what? Instead, I just gave him some medicine to stop his heart.
Because we needed the bed and he was going to die anyway.
The end.
But why? Why would he think you had apple pie? Well, ain't you just as simple as you look? Apple pie is a euphemism for penetrating an American woman covered in applesauce.
And I had just run out of sauce, so I couldn't fulfill that man's dying wish.
I wasn't going to say all that, but let the record show you pulled at the thread.
Listen I know it may seem like we've wasted an entire day in this waiting room, when we could have been home, horizontal on a couch, within an arm's reach of cheese.
But we're here for a reason: to serve our fellow man.
OK? And I, for one I'm proud to be an American.
All right? O say can O say can you see By By the I am so sorry to interrupt, but the man of my dreams just biked into the courtroom and confessed his love to me, which is exactly what my psychic predicted! So I'm going to be dismissing all of you early, so I can finally use the other side of my hot tub, if you know what I mean? So you're all free to go.
- You guys can go.
- OK.
- [clerk.]
Go, go, go.
- All right.
I'm gonna take three and leave you two.
The address is on their feet.
[cheering.]
Hey! I'm sorry I'm late.
I had jury duty.
Emphasis on duty.
Can you tell how much I've been sweating? Nice yoga pants.
Oh, thank you! I got them at Forever 21.
They were only three bucks.
Sweetie, you haven't been 21 in a long time.
I know, but I like them, and they're affordable.
[coughs.]
Basic.
What did you just say? I called you basic, but coughed because I'm embarrassed for you.
- Basic? - Yeah.
Basic? You calling me basic? [hip hop music playing.]
[laughs.]
Oh you have no idea.
That's right, I'm a basic bitch Forever 21 got me looking rich Nicholas Sparks is my favorite author I drink Diet Coke Like it's goddamn water I wear yoga pants Every day of the week I've got heels in my purse And TOMS on my feet No clean underwear? Yo, that's no problem I'm just gonna wear my bikini bottoms! I'm a basic, basic, basic bitch I never leave home Without my selfie stick I'm a basic, basic, basic bitch If there's karaoke I'm singing Taylor Swift Are you really taking pictures of yourself eating Chipotle? Yeah, my fast-food-Friday pics are the best.
You know Chipotle is fast casual, not fast food, right? Sorry, sweetie, you're basic.
All day every day.
Hell yeah, I'm a basic bitch! If you don't like my selfies You can suck my dick! Take pictures of my food Instagramming every bite Tweeting all my feelings Counting all my likes I drink a lot of juice Because I'm always on a cleanse Sex and the City Reminds me of my friends Got The Bachelor and Shonda On my DVR I order a vodka and cran at every bar I'm a basic, basic, basic bitch I got a vision board on Pinterest I'm a basic, basic, basic bitch If there's karaoke I'm singing Taylor Swift Excuse me? I noticed you eating hummus all by yourself.
Is that roasted red pepper or sun-dried tomato? It's both.
I like to mix them up.
Man! Basic is beautiful! That's right, I'm a basic bitch Chobani Greek yogurt Man, that's my shit! She likes scarves and UGGs And drinking boxed wine Inspirational quotes That'll blow your mind Bath & Body Works They know her by name Three Starbucks a day No shame in my game! She loves to brunch and watch HGTV Wanna know my type? It's B-A-S-I-C I'm a basic, basic, basic bitch She makes a duck face When she's taking pics I'm a basic, basic, basic bitch If there's karaoke She's singing Taylor Swift We love scented candles And we cry on the train We're hashtag blessed 'Cause we love champagne We read our horoscope And drink Two-Buck Chuck We rock granny panties 'Cause we don't give a fuck! I'm a basic, basic, basic bitch Calling me basic is a compliment I'm a basic, basic, basic bitch If there's karaoke I'm singing Taylor Swift I'm a basic, basic, basic bitch I'm a basic, basic, basic bitch I'm a basic, basic, basic bitch If there's karaoke I'm singing Taylor Swift [explosion.]