Never Have I Ever (2020) s01e05 Episode Script

1
[MCENROE] Even though her family
had a nice time at Ganesh Puja,
Nalini had not forgiven Devi for
drinking at a no-parents party
and being bitten by a coyote.
So Devi was grounded and forced
to become a house servant.
Currently, she was on ironing duty.
Man, this is boring.
I'm a tennis commentator,
not a golf commentator.
You know what? We're gonna jump
ship and check in with Fabiola,
who has much more
interesting things going on.
Fabiola had told no one she was gay,
except her robot, Gears Brosnan.
She knew the next logical step
was to come out to some humans,
specifically her family.
So, I bet you're all wondering why
I've called this family meeting.
I certainly am.
Hey, can we make this quick?
My frat has a rush event in 15.
Yes. I just need a
minute of your guys' time.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
What I'm about to tell
you is pretty personal.
I hope that you won't
look at me any differently.
I'm still the same Fabiola.
Did that Alex Gomez
boy get you pregnant?
- It's always the short ones.
- [FABIOLA] What?
[STAMMERS] No, ew. He
didn't. Not even close.
What I want to say is that I am
I am
[MCENROE] Come on, Fabiola. You
can do this. Just one more word.
I am
switching from AP French
to AP Latin this year.
Okay.
Um
I'm a little shocked.
[INHALES] And I gotta say,
you sort of blindsided me here.
If I'm being really honest, this
isn't the life I imagined for you.
We have that trip planned
to Marseilles next summer
Honey.
We are so glad
that you felt comfortable
enough to tell us this.
[MCENROE] You'll get
'em next time, Fabiola.
You'll carpe diem another diem.
I can't take it. I'm like a
straight-up indentured servant.
My mom won't let me leave the
house, except for school events.
And tonight, she wants me to clear
the black widows out of our chimney.
Ugh, well, I hope you're
done with your grounding soon,
and then we can party
like at spring break!
[GASPS] Oh, which reminds me,
my mom just sent this to me.
Her ship just arrived in Cancún.
[MCENROE] Eleanor had caught
the drama bug from her mother,
an aspiring actress, who abandoned
Eleanor when she was seven.
What kind of mother would I be
if I didn't teach you
to follow your dreams?
That's why I'm leaving
you to follow my dreams.
[MCENROE] Currently, she stars
in Thoroughly Modern Millie
on a Weight Watchers cruise.
Wow. That card's dark.
Your mom's cool.
I know. I wish she were here
to help me with my audition
for The Glass Menagerie
this week. She's such a pro.
I mean, she's tried out
for almost every role on TV.
[SIGHS] That
Fab, what's wrong?
You usually house a bag of
Doritos in, like, 20 seconds.
No, I was just saying grace.
Amen.
Now it is time for flavor city.
Nom, nom, nom.
Hey, Coyote Girl. Over here.
[MCENROE] While Devi may have
become persona non grata at home,
at school, she was grata as hell.
[CLUB MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh, my God.
Paxton just publicly acknowledged you.
Do they want me to go over there?
You guys should come with me.
- No.
- No.
We will only weigh you down.
This is a journey you're
meant to take alone.
[MCENROE] Devi still had not told
her friends the truth about Paxton.
But to be fair, he had said
she looked good at Ganesh Puja.
So it seemed like hooking up
might still be a possibility.
- [TRENT] Lil' D!
- That's me.
All right, wait. Lil' D or Coyote
Girl? What are we going with?
- [ALL LAUGH]
- [TRENT] Yo.
[PHONE CHIMES]
[NALINI] Just a reminder, you need
to come home straight after school.
Once you're done with the chimney,
I volunteered you to go next door
to help old Mrs. Finch cut her toenails.
[BEN] What do you mean Eric's sick?
He's supposed to be
goddamn Equatorial Guinea.
It's not a big deal, Ben.
We've showed up to Model UN
conferences a man down before.
I mean, a man or woman down before.
A they/them down before.
Never when I was on
the Security Council.
I need every loser I can get to
make me look smarter by comparison.
What's the point of
spending the night in Davis
if I'm not winning the
Best Delegate gavel?
[MCENROE] To an average teen,
a Model UN trip to UC Davis
might seem like a real drag.
But to a teen under house arrest,
it sounded like a one-way
ticket to freedom USA.
[DEVI] I love Mrs. Finch, but can
someone else go work on her feet?
Because there's an
overnight school event
that would be great
for my college résumé.
Did you see Devi's text?
I guess she's going
on the Model UN trip.
[LAUGHS] Wow. She must be
desperate to get out of her house.
Those kids are real losers.
Oh, did I tell you? I now do
all my homework with a quill pen.
Eleanor, right?
[STAMMERS] Uh I think so.
I think your mom was our server
at Casa Mexico last night.
She was cool. Gave us extra chips.
What? That's impossible.
No, for real.
No. My mother's an actress on a cruise
that's currently docked in
the vibrant city of Cancún.
All right. Well, my mom knew
her and talked to her and stuff,
but maybe she was confused. Whatever.
You don't know what the
hell you're talking about.
[STAMMERS] You can't just start a
rumor about someone's mom like that.
Clearly, you think all
Asian women look alike.
You're a racist, Paxton Hall-Yoshida!
I'm part Japanese.
Whoa. You are?
What do you think Yoshida is, bro?
Oh.
Clearly, this is touchy for some
reason that I don't care about.
Honestly, I didn't really think
I'd have to talk to
you guys for this long.
- Let's go.
- I'm sorry I didn't realize you were Asian, bro.
I'll try to be more
observant in the future.
[PAXTON] You've met my
dad like 40 times, Trent.
[TRENT] I thought
that was your neighbor.
MUN fam, we're gonna crush
this diplomacy so hard,
they'll be calling all
of us Mr. Worldwide,
and not just my dad's client, Pitbull.
- Because who are we?
- Sherman Oaks High!
- And what do we do?
- Model UN!
And What are you doing here?
Model UN!
Ben, I know you were worried
about us not having a full team,
but God, whoever she
is, is smiling on us today.
What the hell?
This is a clear violation of our pact.
[MCENROE] Years ago, Ben and Devi
split all extracurriculars
down the middle,
except for sports,
which required too much locker
room nudity for either of them.
You're joking. That was in sixth grade.
This is my turf. You don't
see me showing up to orchestra
with a freaking bassoon.
As if you have the deftness
to play a double-reed woodwind.
Relax. It's just for two days.
Unless I turn out to be a natural.
Then I'm stealing this, and
you can have Chinese Club.
[IN CHINESE] Over my dead body.
Bad morning, enemy.
Just an unfriendly reminder that
you're not necessarily good at UN
just because you are a UN.
So keep quiet, don't raise your placard,
and support all my resolutions.
No way. I'm winning that
Best Delegate hammer.
It's a gavel.
Whatever. It's mine.
So prepare for Equatorial Guinea
to do what Equatorial Guinea does best:
have one of the worst human
rights records in the world. Damn.
Take your seats.
I officially call this session
of the Security Council to order.
[HITS GAVEL]
Our first topic today is climate change.
United States, you have the floor.
Distinguished delegates
and honorable chair,
the US is appalled. Nay, it's
sickened at the state of our world.
We could twiddle our thumbs while
Atlanta becomes the new Atlantis
or we could pass a resolution right now.
I'm calling for sponsors
in support of my proposal
to build seawalls to protect
coastal areas from rising sea levels.
Equatorial Guinea.
Equatorial Guinea feels that
the United States' resolution
is a poorly considered
half measure at best.
Building taller and taller
seawalls isn't doing anything
except lining the pockets
of seawall corporations.
- Those aren't things.
- I'm just saying.
We need to address the
real root of the problem.
Carbon emissions.
Maybe the five permanent
members of the Security Council
should reach an agreement
before we listen to countries
that are lucky to even be included.
[HITS GAVEL] United States,
you do not have the floor.
Equatorial Guinea, if you're
done, you may yield back to the US.
I yield to the chair.
[CHOKES]
Oh, shit.
[MCENROE] I know yielding to
the chair doesn't sound exciting
to cool jocks like you or me,
but that was the Model UN equivalent
of me throwing my racket at an umpire.
Uh Russia.
I'd actually like to hear more
of Equatorial Guinea's plan.
I think she's onto something, and
I'd like to make her my friend.
I mean, ally.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
You're buffering, Eleanor.
Are you thinking about what Paxton said?
What if it was my mom?
What if she's just 20 minutes
away serving enchiladas?
She's not. She's on a
cruise ship off the Yucatán.
Is she?
[SIGHS] Okay.
You want to go to Casa
Mexico and see if it's her?
Sí, por favor.
Let's go.
[MR. SHAPIRO] All right, everybody.
So before we go back into the hotel,
I just want to remind you,
I expect you to all act in a way
that is respectful to your school
and to your bodies.
Ergo, no partying, no room service,
and no disrupting me
between 7:30 and 7:45.
I have a Skype call
with my partner, Debra.
[CHUCKLES] We just became exclusive.
[DEVI] Wow.
Pretty crazy I came in and crushed
it at Model UN with zero prep.
Wow. You really think
you're hot shit, don't you?
Now that you're having sex with Paxton?
[MOUTHS] What the shit?
- No what?
- [MCENROE] Devi was panicking.
How did Ben find out about her lie?
Simple. Her friends told him.
Would a dork be sleeping
with Paxton Hall-Yoshida?
- Yeah, right.
- [ELEANOR] It's true.
Devi V and Paxton H-Y are plundering
each others' bods on the reg.
But just to be clear,
being Paxton's secret sidepiece
doesn't make me think
you're any less of a loser.
[SCOFFS]
OMG. Devi's railing Paxton H-Y!
Oh, my God. She's here.
Why are you looking at me?
You're allowed to take the
apples from the fitness center.
I overheard you and
Ben talking on the bus.
The idea that a girl in Model UN
can get with a guy like
Paxton Hall-Yoshida,
you're an inspiration to us.
[MCENROE] Devi felt
surprisingly honored,
but wondered if she should correct
these girls about her and Paxton.
We talked, and you should
have a bed all to yourself.
Sleeping next to our
bodies is a let down
compared to the marble statue
you're used to being with.
[MCENROE] Maybe correcting
these girls could wait.
It's not like they're gonna
talk to the Hot Pocket,
and she'd already given them hope.
It'd be cruel to take that away.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Oh, my God. Her life is like a movie.
- Oh, my God. [EXHALES]
[BOY] Meet me in the ice
room. Da svidania, Russia.
[SQUEALS]
Psst. [WHISTLES]
[SCOFFS]
I'm sorry. We were waiting for her?
[CHUCKLES] Forget it. I'm out.
[SCOFFS] Not before I'm out.
Wait, please, comrades. You
haven't even heard my proposal.
I'd like to lead a joint initiative
to get turnt.
I want to get drunk with you guys.
[STAMMERS] I don't think so, Russia.
Even when we're not on campus,
we're still representatives
of our school.
Yeah. The way he said it
was lame, but I'm out too.
Come on, guys. I need this.
My mom is such a bitch. I
never get to do anything.
Everyone at my school hates me.
But you, everyone loves you.
You're cool.
You're having sex with
Paxton Hall-Yoshida!
How do you know who Paxton is?
Every teen in SoCal
knows who Paxton is, brah.
He's got three fan Tumblrs.
One of them is entirely in Korean.
Wow. That's crazy.
He's just regular old Paxton to me.
It's hard to see him
through the eyes of a fan,
because we're so close.
Okay, Russia. How exactly are
we supposed to get alcohol?
There's a realtors'
convention here tonight,
and the vino should be flowing freely.
If we swiped a couple of
bottles, no one would even notice.
I don't know. I'm already,
technically, grounded for drinking.
If I get caught again, I'm in deep shit.
But isn't this kind of normal for you?
Being grounded, sneaking
alcohol, hooking up?
I mean you're popular, right?
Yes. Yes, I am.
- I'm in.
- Yes!
Then I'm doing it too.
I want to make sure someone
grabs the good alcohol.
How do you know what's good?
My dad let me have a sip
of Cristal at New Year's.
Mm.
Oh, my God.
She is here.
Eleanor.
I can't believe my own
mother is so two-faced!
Oh, my God. You're not
my mom. I'm so sorry.
That was kinda racist of me.
See? It isn't her.
- She is on a cruise.
- I know.
I can't believe I trusted Paxton's
beautiful lying mouth over her.
[SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" IN SPANISH]
Mom?
Eleanor.
You're here?
And this is your job?
What's happening?
I can explain.
Hi, Ms. Wong.
Bye, Ms. Wong.
[MCENROE] Devi and Ben
only had 15 minutes.
They'd have to be as fast
as a Björn Borg serve
and as precise as McEnroe
return to pull off this heist.
[MR. SHAPIRO] Hi, Debra. I'm on,
and I'm gonna loop in our therapist.
- Can I help you?
- Hi. We'd like two martinis, please.
You guys look really
young. Can I see some ID?
[SCOFFS] I don't have my wallet.
I mean, I guess I could go
all the way up to my
room on the fifth floor,
- find my key
- Just be cool, man.
This is a one.
[WHISPERS] And there's one
more where that came from.
Sorry, guys. No can do.
Fine. You just lost
yourself a dollar, bro.
They made me do it. They bullied me.
This is why your whole school hates you!
Let's go.
In here.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING AND RECEDING]
Okay. I think we're safe.
- Let's just wait it out in here.
- [GLASS BOTTLES CLINKS]
[SCOFFS]
[DEVI LAUGHS]
Jackpot. [CHUCKLES]
[CHUCKLE]
You okay?
Want to watch relaxing
YouTube on how to make tea?
No.
This is one of the few situations
where chamomile can't soothe my nerves.
[INHALES]
When did she get here,
and why didn't she tell me?
I'm sure she has an explanation.
Maybe she's a spy or
in a really good cult.
No, she would've bragged
about those things.
You're so lucky. You
have a perfect family.
We are not perfect.
Yeah, you are.
It's not like you have a huge lie
threatening to tear everyone apart.
Actually, I do.
Oh, my God.
Do they not know you
switched to AP Latin?
They don't know
[SIGHS]
that I'm gay.
What?
[SIGHS] I'm gay.
I'm sorry that I didn't tell you
sooner. I, honestly, just realized
Don't you dare apologize to me.
Really?
I love this for you.
And I love this for me.
Finally, a gay friend.
It really fits my brand
as a theater wench.
[CHUCKLES]
Wow.
That felt so great to say.
I feel like I just solved an escape room
I've been trapped in my entire life.
So, like, what's your type though?
Kristen Stewart in Twilight or
Kristen Stewart in Charlie's Angels?
Um I don't know. Honestly,
I think my type is kinda that
girl, Eve, in our history class.
Oh, so Charlie's Angels.
- Wow.
- [CHUCKLES]
How appropriate that Eve
could be your first woman.
I can't even think about that
until I talk to my parents.
Yeah. I guess we both have tough
conversations to look forward to.
I just wish Devi were here right now.
[GASPS] Oh, man. She's gonna freak.
In a supportive way.
- Let's call her.
- Yeah.
[PHONE RINGING]
[GIRL] Delegates,
I motion we toast the United
States and Equatorial Guinea.
Do I have any other signatories?
Whoo!
Ugh.
This is what wine tastes like?
So
it turns out we're a pretty good team
for two people who hate each other.
I don't hate you.
I just think you're
pretentious and unlikable.
How am I unlikable? My dad
drives a Porsche Cayenne.
Right there. That was unlikable.
All right, but you have somewhat
of a difficult personality as well.
Who, me?
I'm a goddamn delight.
I should punch you in the
Adam's apple for saying that.
[SARCASTICALLY] Oh, I stand
corrected. You're America's sweetheart.
Thank you.
Hey, I kinda like Model UN. Do you
want to trade me for Chinese Club?
No way. Back off, poacher.
But you're so good at Mandarin.
Well, honestly, I only became good
at Mandarin to spite you, so
[IN CHINESE] Thank you.
You're welcome.
[CHUCKLES]
Hey, I can't believe
I'm saying this, but
What if we worked together tomorrow?
This will be killer on our transcripts.
[SCOFFS] Are you suggesting
an alliance between us?
That's like North and South
Korea becoming friends.
Exactly.
Imagine how powerful they'd be.
You'd have surface-to-air
missiles, and also, BTS.
I feel you. World domination.
Have you told Paxton about Model UN?
I'm sure he's really interested
in international diplomacy.
Hey, you know what country's cool?
Chad.
[SCOFFS] Okay. Paxton's not dumb.
He's just consistently bad at school.
- [CHUCKLES]
- [DOOR OPENS] Come on!
This is exactly what I
told you guys not to do.
Go to your rooms right now!
And text your parents what an
educational and safe time you're having.
[MCENROE] Devi went to
bed happy that night.
She was a hero to all the nerds,
and alcohol seems to
make Ben Gross nice.
This Model UN trip just might be the
best decision she's made all year.
[PHONE BUZZES]
[PAXTON] Devi, WTF?
Why are you lying to
everyone about us having sex?
[GIRL] Good morning!
Breakfast in bed?
[CHUCKLES]
- You guys didn't have to do that.
- Yes, we did.
Last night, I drank Sauvignon
Blanc, and a boy touched my shoulder.
I mean, thanks to you, I'm
basically Sex and the City.
My pleasure.
You guys are well on
your way to becoming cool.
Just like me.
- [GIGGLES]
- [PHONE BUZZES]
- Oh, my God.
- [GIRL] What is it?
- Is it from him?
- [GIGGLES] Ooh
Yes, it is, and I should
give him a call back.
Could you guys give me
some privacy, please?
For phone sex?
Please leave. You're dismissed.
- [GIGGLING] Okay.
- [GIGGLING] Oh, my God.
[VOICEMAIL] This is Paxton.
I don't check my voicemail.
[VOICEMAIL] This is Paxton.
I don't check my voicemail.
[MCENROE] Apparently, what happens
in Davis does not stay in Davis.
Particularly, juicy rumors about sex
with the hottest teen
in Los Angeles County.
Devi was distraught, but she
had no one to blame but herself.
Well, maybe she could
think of one other person.
If Ben hadn't opened his
big fat stupid mouth,
her harmless piece of fiction
would have never spread
to the entire school.
It was his fault Paxton was mad at her.
He was the villain here.
If we don't act now, the
oceans will rise so much
that we'll be doing beach vacations
on the top of Mount Everest.
So the United States motions for a
vote to table our amended resolution.
Do I hear a second from
my ally, Equatorial Guinea?
Hmm.
Equatorial Guinea does not
support the American resolution.
In fact, we think that the
resolution is a piece of shit.
- [CROWD GASPS]
- [GAVEL BANGING]
Decorum. Equatorial Guinea,
please use respectful language.
Instead, I would like to put
forth an alternative plan.
The US contributes far
more carbon emissions
than any other nation.
Thus, Equatorial Guinea would
like to formally request permission
to nuke the United States.
[GAVEL BANGING] Decorum. That's
not what we do in Security Council.
And even if it were,
Equatorial Guinea doesn't
have nuclear capabilities.
Russia, you're a narc, but
if you give me your nukes,
I'll let you have my e-mail address.
But you already gave it to me.
My real e-mail address.
Hot dog.
The Russian Federation
formally surrenders
all nukes to Equatorial Guinea.
What now, Mr. Chairman?
I'm all nuked up.
Point of order. That's not
even how Model UN works.
You're being insane, Devi.
We can't seriously be
talking about nuclear war.
Guess what, Belgium?
You just got nuked.
And anyone else who
supports the United States
can consider themselves nuked too.
The US has shown they can't be
trusted with sensitive information,
and if left to their own devices,
will ruin all our lives.
Who's with me?
Viva World War III!
[CHEERING]
[CHANTING] World War III! World War
III! World War III! World War III!
[CHAIRMAN] Decorum!
Hello. I'm Eleanor Wong
reading for Laura Wingfield.
Uh-huh, ready when you are.
Why did you do that, Mother?
[WHISPERS] Why did you do that, Mother?
[AUDIENCE MEMBER COUGHS]
Why are you
How old are you, Laura?
Mother
you know my age.
I thought you were an adult.
It seems I was mistaken.
Please, don't stare at me, Mother.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
When you're disappointed,
you get that awful,
suffering look on your face
like the picture of Jesus's
mother in the museum.
Wow. Eleanor, I was prepared
to make you do props,
but that was a revelation.
I don't think the part of
Laura is big enough for you.
I think you have to be our Amanda.
But Amanda is the lead.
Yes, she is, Eleanor. Yes, she is.
Thank you.
[GIGGLES]
[SIREN BLARES]
[SIRENS CONTINUE]
[DOOR SLAMS]
[PHONE CHIMES]
[FABIOLA] Where are you? Why
aren't you calling us back?
We need to talk to you.
[SIGHS]
[DEVI] Hey.
I just wanted to say that I'm so
sorry for everything that happened.
I never intentionally told
people that we were hooking up.
Oh, really?
Then why did I get a
million texts from people
asking me if I was having
sex with Devi Vishwakumar?
My friends just assumed it,
and I never corrected them,
and it just got out of hand.
And why didn't you correct them?
Because you wanted them to
think we were having sex.
- No, Paxton. You don't understand
- No, you know what?
I thought we were friends,
but you were just using me.
[SCOFFS] You're being dramatic.
It's just a silly rumor.
- [LOCKER SLAMS SHUT]
- That you started.
It's messed up, Devi.
[SIGHS]
Devi! We've been trying
to get in touch with you.
Some crazy things happened, and
we both have something to tell you.
- Now is not a good time!
- But it's really important.
Trust me, whatever you guys have
going on, my shit's bigger, okay?
I have the bigger shit!
["MOON LIKE SOUR CANDY"
BY THE OPHELIAS PLAYING]
Moon like sour candy ♪
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- In your mouth ♪
Kanna, did you have a good trip?
Sure.
Well, I think you've
learned your lesson,
and I've actually run out
of things for you to do.
So your grounding is over.
If you'd like to go to
Eleanor's or Fabiola's house
to do something fun,
like practice PSATs,
you have my permission.
No, thanks. I don't
feel like going anywhere.
Okay.
Wearing corduroy ♪
For four days straight ♪
Reach out to your
mother, I am crying ♪
Crying ♪
You can only like
me when you're drunk ♪
The sky is open, my stomach sunk ♪
Tongue like bubbles floating ♪
Down my rotten skin ♪
Don't worry about it, I am trying ♪