New Girl s01e05 Episode Script
Cece Crashes
[DANCE MUSlC PLAYlNG & PEOPLE CHATTERlNG.]
Cece! CECE: What are you talking about? - I saw you with her! JESS: Beep-beep.
- I saw you.
- She said hi.
That's it.
- I saw you with her.
- Beep-beep.
Sorry.
Excuse me.
These traffic patterns are really counterintuitive! Really catch-as-catch-can as far as footpaths go over here! CECE: Oh, you're talking with your tongue down her throat? Cece! I got your text.
Are you ready to go home? CECE: Unh! Thank you for coming.
Jess, he was making out with another girl.
You get away from here.
Who are you? You're blocking my booth.
Get out of here! Don't talk to her like that, okay? That is my best friend! Unh! [CHUCKLES.]
JESS: Oh, my.
Cece.
- You ripped my deep V! This is my favorite deep V! It's just a deeper V.
Thanks for picking me up, Jess.
I really felt that Gavin was different.
Didn't you feel like he was different? Yeah.
I mean, he seemed like a really nice European DJ with a face tattoo.
Whoo! Hey, guys.
[GUYS CATCALLlNG.]
Jess, I think these guys are into you.
We should just go back, right? - We should totally head back.
- Where am I taking you? Well, I can't go home because Gavin's, like, staying at my place.
You've known him for three weeks.
Can I just crash with you for a couple days? Please? I don't know.
It's Friday night.
The guys probably have big plans.
[VlDEO GAME CHARACTER GRUNTlNG ONSCREEN.]
[DOOR OPENS THEN CLOSES.]
Friday night, gentlemen.
It's on.
- What happened to you? - It's on and popping up in here.
You feel? What happened to you? You didn't used to be like this.
- What? - You've gotten worse.
It's on and popping.
Who's that girl? Who's that girl? Who's that girl? Who's that girl? It's Jess! I told you I'd come through.
Benjamin invited us to a very cool party.
No.
Just got off three back-to-back shifts.
I just wanna sit here all weekend in silence playing this game go in my room and do stuff on my computer.
You wearing underwear? What is between you and that chair? - Just a little bit of sunshine.
- Take off that kimono, please.
It's my leisure wear, Winston.
Look, I worked 80 hours this week.
I just wanna come home, put on my 'mono and just hang loose, man.
Okay? If you had a job, you'd understand.
Really? Wow, it just got real in here.
You're not gonna take the kimono off? Fine.
Then I'm not wearing any pants.
Boom! Bam! Mm-hm.
Everybody wanna walk around wearing stupid stuff guess what I'm gonna do? I'm wearing a napkin on my face.
Bam! How you like that? - That doesn't make sense.
- Perfect sense.
It's totally different than me wearing my kimono.
You are laughing in the face of years of samurai culture - and it's an affront.
- Look at me now.
This is the vibe we have because of you.
- You wanna walk around here looking silly.
- This is handcrafted! In China.
Schmidt, I think you should take the kimono off.
Um, Cece, can you not do your usual thing? These are really good guys.
- Best behavior.
- Sure.
- Hey, guys, I brought-- WlNSTON: You brought this on yourself! What you doing? Oh, you know, we're just chilling.
Just chilling.
Just doing this.
You know, Friday night.
I'm gonna use the ladies'.
- What's up, Cecilia? CECE: Where's the tequila? [CECE CHUCKLlNG.]
- Guys.
CECE: Oh! Oh.
[CLATTERlNG.]
Okay.
I would normally never bring her here, but Cece is really vulnerable now and when she's drunk, she has no boundaries.
So she's really grabby, really physical.
She's really loose with her body.
So I just wanna apologize in advance for anything that she might do.
- It's good to know.
WlNSTON: Yeah.
Thanks.
Thank you, guys.
You're the best.
[DANCE MUSlC PLAYlNG ON SPEAKERS.]
Girl, look at that body Girl, look at that body This is the opposite of being alone! This is the opposite of what I wanted this weekend! Wow, how'd this happen? Okay, I'm not a part of this, Schmidt.
I'm not a part of it.
Hi, Cece.
I'm gonna make you a bed on the couch, okay? You're gonna have to stop dancing, so you can go to sleep.
[lN DEEP VOlCE.]
Cece, I think you should dance if you want to.
- Why are you talking like that? - I'm just hanging out.
- You get up.
SCHMlDT: Really? Him? But I'm doing this: - Get up.
- I don't dance.
I'm from the town in Footloose.
- He doesn't wanna dance.
NlCK: I don't wanna dance.
Schmidt dances-- Whoa.
What the-- ? [CECE CHUCKLES.]
You know what? I'm gonna go to bed.
Good night.
What just happened? It's really not great under here.
You have to love hair.
I think it's time for bed.
You can use my bed.
I'll sleep on the couch.
Over here.
Over here.
CECE: Oh.
- Over here.
Over here.
[lN NORMAL VOlCE.]
Are you sheepdogging her? SCHMlDT: Over here, over here, over here.
Not here.
Here we go.
Ugh.
SCHMlDT: Good night, Cece.
Yes! Yes.
She is sleeping on my sheets right now.
Not yours, bro.
Mine.
Parkour.
[SCHMlDT GRUNTS.]
You know what? I think I might actually have a chance with her.
I just have to be cooler than that guy.
SCHMlDT: Parkour! A wise man foretold of a magical night where I would engage in nonsexual foreplay with a model, and tonight - Don't say-- - is that night.
Not a chance.
Never gonna happen.
You're not a closer.
I'm a closer.
I'm gonna close this conversation right now.
Watch this.
Boom.
Blam.
Closed.
Parkour.
- Short-track speed skating.
WlNSTON: Ha, ha.
Apolo Ohno.
- Well, at least this tires him out, right? - Yeah.
She's great.
You're gonna love her.
Do you want some eggs? I've got my own breakfast.
I don't need you to-- - What? - I don't know, take care of me.
Just stop being so nice.
Your mother's being so nice.
Slam on my mother.
Your mother's gonna slam on your mother.
[SCREAMS.]
And 4000.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
[SPEAKS lN GERMAN.]
You're covered in oil? What, oil? No.
This is just-- Uh You okay? Schmidt.
Hey, are you okay? Whoa.
Whoa! I just blacked out for a second.
Anything weird happen? Okay, I need some water, so can you move? Yeah, that's not gonna happen, honey.
Just, you know, slide me like a curtain, okay? [CECE GROANS.]
There you go.
I'm good.
I'm good.
Sweet.
Hey, can you get me a coff-- Mm.
[SHOWER RUNNlNG.]
- What's going on, guys? - Hey-- Oh, you're all here.
Um, does the water get any hotter than this? Uh-- Do you want me-- ? Uh [STUTTERlNG.]
I mean, I could give you-- lf-- I can-- I'm good at fixing-- Yeah, I can fix it also.
CECE: Actually, I'll just figure it out myself.
But do you have any actual soap? Because all I can find in here is body gelato.
- That would be Schmidt's.
SCHMlDT: Mine.
- Don't use it all.
- I'll just not touch it.
SCHMlDT: Okay.
- Hey.
Why are you guys all in here? - I'm brushing my teeth.
- Doing our things.
She hogging the shower? Cece, hurry up.
Sorry, I just-- I can't find any bigger towels for some reason.
You have a beautiful body.
I appreciate that about you.
Okay, come on.
- I made you breakfast.
CECE: You did? JESS: Yeah.
- Sorry.
I just-- - Disappointed with all of you, especially you.
- lt was a bad moment.
- I thought you were better than that.
- I know.
I am sometimes.
Did you see that cleavage? I just wanna get my arm stuck down there, like, 127 Hours style.
And then-- And then: [lMlTATES SAWlNG SOUND.]
I'll just cut it for days.
- I'll cut through the bone, the nerve.
- Schmidt! You weren't upset because I was dancing with Nick? - No, of course not.
- I think he's really into you.
Nick? No.
- No.
- Come on, Jess.
This is classic Eduardo.
- You want this to go to Cece, right? - Jess.
Okay, I'll give it to Cece.
No.
Jess.
- You don't want me to give it to Cece? - Sí, sí, for you.
For me? To give to Cece.
[GROANS.]
- We're just friends.
- Can't be friends with these guys.
You don't think every one of them thought about sleeping with you? You just think everyone wants to sleep with everyone.
They do.
That's why I think that.
Don't you hear how he says your name? "Jess.
" He's from Chicago.
That's how people from Chicago say "Jess.
" Like Bears, and milk, and: [lN CHlCAGO ACCENT.]
"Let's go visit the Sears Tower.
" [KNOCKlNG ON DOOR.]
Jess.
I'm going to the drugstore.
Need anything? Yes.
Jess, you should go with him because then you can get that thing that you really need.
Oh, I wonder what that is.
She'll be right out.
Just [lN NORMAL VOlCE.]
No.
No.
You are not coming in here and ruining all this.
I'm happy.
I like these guys.
I think they're actually starting to like me too.
Who did you tell me was your perfect man? Walter Matthau in Grumpy Old Men.
I could be girl Jack Lemmon.
He's a total Matthau! I'm telling you, he gets you.
See his feet? A guy's feet point at what they want.
- His feet were pointing at you.
- Why wouldn't his feet point at me? - Otherwise, he's standing like a duck.
- Go.
Get out there.
- Ugh.
NlCK: Hey, you ready? Come on! Be there in a sec, bro! NlCK: You just call me "bro"? Yeah.
Well, how long is she staying? Oh, not long.
I know she can be tough to deal with.
Sometimes she calls me up and she's like, "Bitch, I love you.
" And then she just hangs up.
No other information.
That's weird.
WOMAN 1: I love you so much.
I kind of like it when she calls me "bitch.
" It makes me feel like Janis Joplin.
NlCK: Fine, but does she have to stay with us? WOMAN 2: Yes, I will buy it.
What? I'm sorry.
What did you say? I'm saying stop trying to take care of everyone.
- Oh, my God.
- What? - What? Nothing.
What? - What? What? What are you doing? I know she's your friend.
I didn't mean to insult you.
You don't have to take care of her is what I meant.
Okay.
Yes.
NlCK: What are you doing? JESS: What? I'm just checking.
I wanna make sure.
If I insulted you, I'm sorry.
What are you doing? - Everything is in its place.
- What does that mean? I'm just walking like a friend.
Okay, you know what, forget this.
Let's get out of here.
Last on the list, toilet paper.
Um I don't use it.
You don't use toilet paper? Heh.
I mean-- That's not what I meant.
- That's what your mother meant.
- My mother called? What did she say? No, Jess, I was-- Jess.
I was joking.
[WlNSTON WHlSTLES.]
Look at her.
Go for it, man.
You know, go do your thing.
I don't like the roof, man.
There's a cat up here.
It's crazy.
It was raised by birds.
You're gonna let a cat stop you from that? It's a bird-cat, man.
It's very dangerous.
Look it up.
Double rabies.
Right.
You can't close.
[SlGHS.]
You just said the magic words, son.
Baby, baby, don't cry.
Look, I get it.
I was the best lover you ever had.
Yeah.
A 90-minute sesh is pretty standard for me.
It was "god" what? Oh, it was "godlike.
" Very sweet of you to say.
[CELL PHONE RlNGlNG.]
WlNSTON: My bad.
Pocket dialed you.
Heh.
I got dropped calls, then Winston calls.
It's crazy.
The roof, you know what I mean? - lf he's bothering you-- - You both are.
Cool.
That's cool.
[CAT HlSSES.]
NlCK: What's going on with you, Jess? - Why do you do that? - Do what? Say my name like that? "Jess.
" And why do you wear old man clothes all the time? - I don't wear old man clothes.
- Ugh.
You don't like the way I dress? - Ugh.
I just-- - Did I do something to you? - No, I just need air.
- Okay.
Rose for the lady? Okay.
I'll buy you one.
Or two.
They come as two? I'll buy two.
- No, no.
- What do you mean no? Take some.
- It's $2, it's not a big deal.
- No.
They're nice roses.
Hey, what are you doing? Where are you going? Jess, it was a joke.
What are you doing? Get back in the car.
Where are you going? That's not the way home! Just working on Saturday.
Pulling in them ducats.
It's crazy.
It's like golden handcuffs, know what I mean? Like, on one hand, I'm killing myself and on the other hand, I'm making all this baller dough.
[SCHMlDT SCREAMS THEN WlNSTON lMlTATES HlS SCREAM.]
Sunburn.
Ha, ha.
- I told you to take that oil off.
- It's cool.
Just a little color.
In a couple of days, I'll be brown just like you, Cece.
- Because your culture is-- - What is my culture? [STUTTERlNG.]
It's-- You're-- [SPEAKS GlBBERlSH.]
Jafanese? Saudi-- Saudi Um - Monga-- - My parents were born in lndia.
India.
Totally.
Love lndia.
He really does.
Schmidt, tell her about all the things you love about lndia.
Uh, sure.
I love, you know-- I love Slumdog.
I love naan pepper, Ben Kingsley, the stories of Rudyard Kipling.
I have respect for cows, of course.
I love, uh, the Taj Mahal Deepak Chopra.
Anyone named "Patel.
" I love monsoons.
I love cobras in baskets.
Naveen Andrews.
I love mango chutney.
- Really, any type of chutney.
Tepees-- - Schmidt, take a lap.
Refresh.
Yep.
- That was pretty good.
- I know.
You're working a little too hard.
Watch this.
- Schmidt! - Yes.
- Go up to the roof.
- Yeah, I'm gonna go up to the roof.
- I'll be there in 10 minutes.
- Cool.
See you in, like, 10.
- That was-- - Make me a sandwich.
Sandwich.
I walked home.
- I got out of the car and I walked home.
- Why? What happened? His feet were pointed directly at me the whole time.
Did I do this? Am I dressing too provocatively? Do I need to get thicker pajamas? Maybe it's my posture.
I have sexy posture.
Don't worry about it.
I will talk to him for you.
No.
That would be the worst thing you could possibly-- - Hi, Nick.
NlCK: Seriously, Jess what the hell happened? I've been driving around looking for you.
Everything is okay.
We were hoping to get everything out on the table.
The table which is not a table, doesn't exist.
Don't worry about the table.
We were in the middle of traffic and you just got out and ran away.
- I was hot.
- You were so hot that you had to jump out of my car and run? - Why are you standing like that? - This is how I stand.
I've never seen you stand like that.
I was really worried something had happened to you, okay? You can't walk around this neighborhood with bags of toilet paper that you don't even use.
What? [WHlSPERS.]
I told him I don't use toilet paper.
Okay, do you hear what he is saying to you? He's trying to tell you he cares about you.
- No.
- So I'm gonna make this happen for you.
- He cares about me as a friend.
- This is so on, Jess.
- You are not-- - No.
I'm trying to help you.
- No.
- Okay, no, my face is my job.
My face is my job.
Okay.
Look-- [BOTH GRUNT.]
No! No! - My earring.
- Okay.
- lt is stuck in your hair.
- Okay, can you get it out? - No.
Ow.
- Okay, we'll do it on the floor.
We're gonna get on the floor.
Don't worry.
- All right, here we go.
JESS: Ow.
Ow.
- What's wrong? I'm trying to help you.
- No! No.
I don't need your help.
You don't know.
Nick and I are friends.
You don't know.
You don't have guy friends.
You just hang out with jerks like Gavin.
Oh, I'm sorry.
"DJ Diabeat lt.
" - He has diabetes.
- Oh, he does? Boo-hoo.
I'm sorry.
Is it really bad? - I feel really bad.
- He's fine.
He takes medication.
Why do you just come in and you take over? It's like you're playing mind games with people.
I'm trying to help you.
You never make a move.
Well, I don't need your help.
I like moving slow.
I like being weird and taking my time.
I'm not like you.
I don't just jump in the potato sack with the first potato that I meet with diabetes.
- Okay, what did you just say? - You heard me, bitch.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
SCHMlDT: Aah! - Oh.
- What is that? What? - Oh, no.
- What did you do? CECE: Oh, no.
What did you do? No.
[MEOWS.]
JESS: Hey, Schmidt.
How you doing? Can I sit with you on your cooler here? Yeah.
Just chilling, hanging with the cat.
Holla.
- I'm sorry that Cece did this to you.
- It's okay.
I'm used to it.
I guess I'll just always be the fat kid with the big dreams.
It's not you.
I love Cece, but she's not ready for you.
You're a good guy you know, if you ignore everything that you do on purpose and concentrate on all of the things that you do by accident.
Thank you.
She'd eat you up.
- You really think she'd eat me up? - Yeah.
Like buffet style? You know, all you can eat? Because I got that prime rib, yo.
Heh.
Carving station, plates are warm, sneeze guard kids eat for free.
I mean, except for the-- Except for the last-- All right, let's go.
Let's go, Schmidt, okay? Okay.
Hey, Cece.
Um Look, I get it.
This isn't gonna happen.
But the couch is super uncomfortable my sunburn's starting to blister and I just wanna sleep in my own bed.
Okay.
[CRlCKET CHlRPS PLAYlNG.]
I'm sorry for everything.
I can be a jerk sometimes.
I hate sleeping alone.
Me too.
Sweet.
[lN HlGH-PlTCHED VOlCE.]
Sweet.
- Better when you don't talk.
- Yeah.
[SlGHS.]
If you tell anyone we held hands, I have two people in my phone that will kill you.
Literally.
- Mm.
- Oh.
Hey.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm sorry I acted so weird today.
Weird! It's okay.
[CELL PHONE RlNGlNG.]
- Yo.
SCHMlDT [OVER PHONE.]
: I did it, man.
[WHlSPERlNG.]
I'm holding her hand right now.
She's in my bed, asleep.
Wait, so you're in the room right now? What is wrong with you? Hang up the phone.
I did it.
I closed.
We could have this conversation at any time.
Shh.
Please.
- Okay, we're good.
- So we're clear, when I say closing - this is not what I'm talking about.
- Define your terms.
Because what I'm doing right now feels an awful lot like closing.
Cece! CECE: What are you talking about? - I saw you with her! JESS: Beep-beep.
- I saw you.
- She said hi.
That's it.
- I saw you with her.
- Beep-beep.
Sorry.
Excuse me.
These traffic patterns are really counterintuitive! Really catch-as-catch-can as far as footpaths go over here! CECE: Oh, you're talking with your tongue down her throat? Cece! I got your text.
Are you ready to go home? CECE: Unh! Thank you for coming.
Jess, he was making out with another girl.
You get away from here.
Who are you? You're blocking my booth.
Get out of here! Don't talk to her like that, okay? That is my best friend! Unh! [CHUCKLES.]
JESS: Oh, my.
Cece.
- You ripped my deep V! This is my favorite deep V! It's just a deeper V.
Thanks for picking me up, Jess.
I really felt that Gavin was different.
Didn't you feel like he was different? Yeah.
I mean, he seemed like a really nice European DJ with a face tattoo.
Whoo! Hey, guys.
[GUYS CATCALLlNG.]
Jess, I think these guys are into you.
We should just go back, right? - We should totally head back.
- Where am I taking you? Well, I can't go home because Gavin's, like, staying at my place.
You've known him for three weeks.
Can I just crash with you for a couple days? Please? I don't know.
It's Friday night.
The guys probably have big plans.
[VlDEO GAME CHARACTER GRUNTlNG ONSCREEN.]
[DOOR OPENS THEN CLOSES.]
Friday night, gentlemen.
It's on.
- What happened to you? - It's on and popping up in here.
You feel? What happened to you? You didn't used to be like this.
- What? - You've gotten worse.
It's on and popping.
Who's that girl? Who's that girl? Who's that girl? Who's that girl? It's Jess! I told you I'd come through.
Benjamin invited us to a very cool party.
No.
Just got off three back-to-back shifts.
I just wanna sit here all weekend in silence playing this game go in my room and do stuff on my computer.
You wearing underwear? What is between you and that chair? - Just a little bit of sunshine.
- Take off that kimono, please.
It's my leisure wear, Winston.
Look, I worked 80 hours this week.
I just wanna come home, put on my 'mono and just hang loose, man.
Okay? If you had a job, you'd understand.
Really? Wow, it just got real in here.
You're not gonna take the kimono off? Fine.
Then I'm not wearing any pants.
Boom! Bam! Mm-hm.
Everybody wanna walk around wearing stupid stuff guess what I'm gonna do? I'm wearing a napkin on my face.
Bam! How you like that? - That doesn't make sense.
- Perfect sense.
It's totally different than me wearing my kimono.
You are laughing in the face of years of samurai culture - and it's an affront.
- Look at me now.
This is the vibe we have because of you.
- You wanna walk around here looking silly.
- This is handcrafted! In China.
Schmidt, I think you should take the kimono off.
Um, Cece, can you not do your usual thing? These are really good guys.
- Best behavior.
- Sure.
- Hey, guys, I brought-- WlNSTON: You brought this on yourself! What you doing? Oh, you know, we're just chilling.
Just chilling.
Just doing this.
You know, Friday night.
I'm gonna use the ladies'.
- What's up, Cecilia? CECE: Where's the tequila? [CECE CHUCKLlNG.]
- Guys.
CECE: Oh! Oh.
[CLATTERlNG.]
Okay.
I would normally never bring her here, but Cece is really vulnerable now and when she's drunk, she has no boundaries.
So she's really grabby, really physical.
She's really loose with her body.
So I just wanna apologize in advance for anything that she might do.
- It's good to know.
WlNSTON: Yeah.
Thanks.
Thank you, guys.
You're the best.
[DANCE MUSlC PLAYlNG ON SPEAKERS.]
Girl, look at that body Girl, look at that body This is the opposite of being alone! This is the opposite of what I wanted this weekend! Wow, how'd this happen? Okay, I'm not a part of this, Schmidt.
I'm not a part of it.
Hi, Cece.
I'm gonna make you a bed on the couch, okay? You're gonna have to stop dancing, so you can go to sleep.
[lN DEEP VOlCE.]
Cece, I think you should dance if you want to.
- Why are you talking like that? - I'm just hanging out.
- You get up.
SCHMlDT: Really? Him? But I'm doing this: - Get up.
- I don't dance.
I'm from the town in Footloose.
- He doesn't wanna dance.
NlCK: I don't wanna dance.
Schmidt dances-- Whoa.
What the-- ? [CECE CHUCKLES.]
You know what? I'm gonna go to bed.
Good night.
What just happened? It's really not great under here.
You have to love hair.
I think it's time for bed.
You can use my bed.
I'll sleep on the couch.
Over here.
Over here.
CECE: Oh.
- Over here.
Over here.
[lN NORMAL VOlCE.]
Are you sheepdogging her? SCHMlDT: Over here, over here, over here.
Not here.
Here we go.
Ugh.
SCHMlDT: Good night, Cece.
Yes! Yes.
She is sleeping on my sheets right now.
Not yours, bro.
Mine.
Parkour.
[SCHMlDT GRUNTS.]
You know what? I think I might actually have a chance with her.
I just have to be cooler than that guy.
SCHMlDT: Parkour! A wise man foretold of a magical night where I would engage in nonsexual foreplay with a model, and tonight - Don't say-- - is that night.
Not a chance.
Never gonna happen.
You're not a closer.
I'm a closer.
I'm gonna close this conversation right now.
Watch this.
Boom.
Blam.
Closed.
Parkour.
- Short-track speed skating.
WlNSTON: Ha, ha.
Apolo Ohno.
- Well, at least this tires him out, right? - Yeah.
She's great.
You're gonna love her.
Do you want some eggs? I've got my own breakfast.
I don't need you to-- - What? - I don't know, take care of me.
Just stop being so nice.
Your mother's being so nice.
Slam on my mother.
Your mother's gonna slam on your mother.
[SCREAMS.]
And 4000.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
[SPEAKS lN GERMAN.]
You're covered in oil? What, oil? No.
This is just-- Uh You okay? Schmidt.
Hey, are you okay? Whoa.
Whoa! I just blacked out for a second.
Anything weird happen? Okay, I need some water, so can you move? Yeah, that's not gonna happen, honey.
Just, you know, slide me like a curtain, okay? [CECE GROANS.]
There you go.
I'm good.
I'm good.
Sweet.
Hey, can you get me a coff-- Mm.
[SHOWER RUNNlNG.]
- What's going on, guys? - Hey-- Oh, you're all here.
Um, does the water get any hotter than this? Uh-- Do you want me-- ? Uh [STUTTERlNG.]
I mean, I could give you-- lf-- I can-- I'm good at fixing-- Yeah, I can fix it also.
CECE: Actually, I'll just figure it out myself.
But do you have any actual soap? Because all I can find in here is body gelato.
- That would be Schmidt's.
SCHMlDT: Mine.
- Don't use it all.
- I'll just not touch it.
SCHMlDT: Okay.
- Hey.
Why are you guys all in here? - I'm brushing my teeth.
- Doing our things.
She hogging the shower? Cece, hurry up.
Sorry, I just-- I can't find any bigger towels for some reason.
You have a beautiful body.
I appreciate that about you.
Okay, come on.
- I made you breakfast.
CECE: You did? JESS: Yeah.
- Sorry.
I just-- - Disappointed with all of you, especially you.
- lt was a bad moment.
- I thought you were better than that.
- I know.
I am sometimes.
Did you see that cleavage? I just wanna get my arm stuck down there, like, 127 Hours style.
And then-- And then: [lMlTATES SAWlNG SOUND.]
I'll just cut it for days.
- I'll cut through the bone, the nerve.
- Schmidt! You weren't upset because I was dancing with Nick? - No, of course not.
- I think he's really into you.
Nick? No.
- No.
- Come on, Jess.
This is classic Eduardo.
- You want this to go to Cece, right? - Jess.
Okay, I'll give it to Cece.
No.
Jess.
- You don't want me to give it to Cece? - Sí, sí, for you.
For me? To give to Cece.
[GROANS.]
- We're just friends.
- Can't be friends with these guys.
You don't think every one of them thought about sleeping with you? You just think everyone wants to sleep with everyone.
They do.
That's why I think that.
Don't you hear how he says your name? "Jess.
" He's from Chicago.
That's how people from Chicago say "Jess.
" Like Bears, and milk, and: [lN CHlCAGO ACCENT.]
"Let's go visit the Sears Tower.
" [KNOCKlNG ON DOOR.]
Jess.
I'm going to the drugstore.
Need anything? Yes.
Jess, you should go with him because then you can get that thing that you really need.
Oh, I wonder what that is.
She'll be right out.
Just [lN NORMAL VOlCE.]
No.
No.
You are not coming in here and ruining all this.
I'm happy.
I like these guys.
I think they're actually starting to like me too.
Who did you tell me was your perfect man? Walter Matthau in Grumpy Old Men.
I could be girl Jack Lemmon.
He's a total Matthau! I'm telling you, he gets you.
See his feet? A guy's feet point at what they want.
- His feet were pointing at you.
- Why wouldn't his feet point at me? - Otherwise, he's standing like a duck.
- Go.
Get out there.
- Ugh.
NlCK: Hey, you ready? Come on! Be there in a sec, bro! NlCK: You just call me "bro"? Yeah.
Well, how long is she staying? Oh, not long.
I know she can be tough to deal with.
Sometimes she calls me up and she's like, "Bitch, I love you.
" And then she just hangs up.
No other information.
That's weird.
WOMAN 1: I love you so much.
I kind of like it when she calls me "bitch.
" It makes me feel like Janis Joplin.
NlCK: Fine, but does she have to stay with us? WOMAN 2: Yes, I will buy it.
What? I'm sorry.
What did you say? I'm saying stop trying to take care of everyone.
- Oh, my God.
- What? - What? Nothing.
What? - What? What? What are you doing? I know she's your friend.
I didn't mean to insult you.
You don't have to take care of her is what I meant.
Okay.
Yes.
NlCK: What are you doing? JESS: What? I'm just checking.
I wanna make sure.
If I insulted you, I'm sorry.
What are you doing? - Everything is in its place.
- What does that mean? I'm just walking like a friend.
Okay, you know what, forget this.
Let's get out of here.
Last on the list, toilet paper.
Um I don't use it.
You don't use toilet paper? Heh.
I mean-- That's not what I meant.
- That's what your mother meant.
- My mother called? What did she say? No, Jess, I was-- Jess.
I was joking.
[WlNSTON WHlSTLES.]
Look at her.
Go for it, man.
You know, go do your thing.
I don't like the roof, man.
There's a cat up here.
It's crazy.
It was raised by birds.
You're gonna let a cat stop you from that? It's a bird-cat, man.
It's very dangerous.
Look it up.
Double rabies.
Right.
You can't close.
[SlGHS.]
You just said the magic words, son.
Baby, baby, don't cry.
Look, I get it.
I was the best lover you ever had.
Yeah.
A 90-minute sesh is pretty standard for me.
It was "god" what? Oh, it was "godlike.
" Very sweet of you to say.
[CELL PHONE RlNGlNG.]
WlNSTON: My bad.
Pocket dialed you.
Heh.
I got dropped calls, then Winston calls.
It's crazy.
The roof, you know what I mean? - lf he's bothering you-- - You both are.
Cool.
That's cool.
[CAT HlSSES.]
NlCK: What's going on with you, Jess? - Why do you do that? - Do what? Say my name like that? "Jess.
" And why do you wear old man clothes all the time? - I don't wear old man clothes.
- Ugh.
You don't like the way I dress? - Ugh.
I just-- - Did I do something to you? - No, I just need air.
- Okay.
Rose for the lady? Okay.
I'll buy you one.
Or two.
They come as two? I'll buy two.
- No, no.
- What do you mean no? Take some.
- It's $2, it's not a big deal.
- No.
They're nice roses.
Hey, what are you doing? Where are you going? Jess, it was a joke.
What are you doing? Get back in the car.
Where are you going? That's not the way home! Just working on Saturday.
Pulling in them ducats.
It's crazy.
It's like golden handcuffs, know what I mean? Like, on one hand, I'm killing myself and on the other hand, I'm making all this baller dough.
[SCHMlDT SCREAMS THEN WlNSTON lMlTATES HlS SCREAM.]
Sunburn.
Ha, ha.
- I told you to take that oil off.
- It's cool.
Just a little color.
In a couple of days, I'll be brown just like you, Cece.
- Because your culture is-- - What is my culture? [STUTTERlNG.]
It's-- You're-- [SPEAKS GlBBERlSH.]
Jafanese? Saudi-- Saudi Um - Monga-- - My parents were born in lndia.
India.
Totally.
Love lndia.
He really does.
Schmidt, tell her about all the things you love about lndia.
Uh, sure.
I love, you know-- I love Slumdog.
I love naan pepper, Ben Kingsley, the stories of Rudyard Kipling.
I have respect for cows, of course.
I love, uh, the Taj Mahal Deepak Chopra.
Anyone named "Patel.
" I love monsoons.
I love cobras in baskets.
Naveen Andrews.
I love mango chutney.
- Really, any type of chutney.
Tepees-- - Schmidt, take a lap.
Refresh.
Yep.
- That was pretty good.
- I know.
You're working a little too hard.
Watch this.
- Schmidt! - Yes.
- Go up to the roof.
- Yeah, I'm gonna go up to the roof.
- I'll be there in 10 minutes.
- Cool.
See you in, like, 10.
- That was-- - Make me a sandwich.
Sandwich.
I walked home.
- I got out of the car and I walked home.
- Why? What happened? His feet were pointed directly at me the whole time.
Did I do this? Am I dressing too provocatively? Do I need to get thicker pajamas? Maybe it's my posture.
I have sexy posture.
Don't worry about it.
I will talk to him for you.
No.
That would be the worst thing you could possibly-- - Hi, Nick.
NlCK: Seriously, Jess what the hell happened? I've been driving around looking for you.
Everything is okay.
We were hoping to get everything out on the table.
The table which is not a table, doesn't exist.
Don't worry about the table.
We were in the middle of traffic and you just got out and ran away.
- I was hot.
- You were so hot that you had to jump out of my car and run? - Why are you standing like that? - This is how I stand.
I've never seen you stand like that.
I was really worried something had happened to you, okay? You can't walk around this neighborhood with bags of toilet paper that you don't even use.
What? [WHlSPERS.]
I told him I don't use toilet paper.
Okay, do you hear what he is saying to you? He's trying to tell you he cares about you.
- No.
- So I'm gonna make this happen for you.
- He cares about me as a friend.
- This is so on, Jess.
- You are not-- - No.
I'm trying to help you.
- No.
- Okay, no, my face is my job.
My face is my job.
Okay.
Look-- [BOTH GRUNT.]
No! No! - My earring.
- Okay.
- lt is stuck in your hair.
- Okay, can you get it out? - No.
Ow.
- Okay, we'll do it on the floor.
We're gonna get on the floor.
Don't worry.
- All right, here we go.
JESS: Ow.
Ow.
- What's wrong? I'm trying to help you.
- No! No.
I don't need your help.
You don't know.
Nick and I are friends.
You don't know.
You don't have guy friends.
You just hang out with jerks like Gavin.
Oh, I'm sorry.
"DJ Diabeat lt.
" - He has diabetes.
- Oh, he does? Boo-hoo.
I'm sorry.
Is it really bad? - I feel really bad.
- He's fine.
He takes medication.
Why do you just come in and you take over? It's like you're playing mind games with people.
I'm trying to help you.
You never make a move.
Well, I don't need your help.
I like moving slow.
I like being weird and taking my time.
I'm not like you.
I don't just jump in the potato sack with the first potato that I meet with diabetes.
- Okay, what did you just say? - You heard me, bitch.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
SCHMlDT: Aah! - Oh.
- What is that? What? - Oh, no.
- What did you do? CECE: Oh, no.
What did you do? No.
[MEOWS.]
JESS: Hey, Schmidt.
How you doing? Can I sit with you on your cooler here? Yeah.
Just chilling, hanging with the cat.
Holla.
- I'm sorry that Cece did this to you.
- It's okay.
I'm used to it.
I guess I'll just always be the fat kid with the big dreams.
It's not you.
I love Cece, but she's not ready for you.
You're a good guy you know, if you ignore everything that you do on purpose and concentrate on all of the things that you do by accident.
Thank you.
She'd eat you up.
- You really think she'd eat me up? - Yeah.
Like buffet style? You know, all you can eat? Because I got that prime rib, yo.
Heh.
Carving station, plates are warm, sneeze guard kids eat for free.
I mean, except for the-- Except for the last-- All right, let's go.
Let's go, Schmidt, okay? Okay.
Hey, Cece.
Um Look, I get it.
This isn't gonna happen.
But the couch is super uncomfortable my sunburn's starting to blister and I just wanna sleep in my own bed.
Okay.
[CRlCKET CHlRPS PLAYlNG.]
I'm sorry for everything.
I can be a jerk sometimes.
I hate sleeping alone.
Me too.
Sweet.
[lN HlGH-PlTCHED VOlCE.]
Sweet.
- Better when you don't talk.
- Yeah.
[SlGHS.]
If you tell anyone we held hands, I have two people in my phone that will kill you.
Literally.
- Mm.
- Oh.
Hey.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm sorry I acted so weird today.
Weird! It's okay.
[CELL PHONE RlNGlNG.]
- Yo.
SCHMlDT [OVER PHONE.]
: I did it, man.
[WHlSPERlNG.]
I'm holding her hand right now.
She's in my bed, asleep.
Wait, so you're in the room right now? What is wrong with you? Hang up the phone.
I did it.
I closed.
We could have this conversation at any time.
Shh.
Please.
- Okay, we're good.
- So we're clear, when I say closing - this is not what I'm talking about.
- Define your terms.
Because what I'm doing right now feels an awful lot like closing.