Night Court (1984) s01e05 Episode Script

You find something good in there? Peanuts.
Oh, yeah.
What are those little guys up to now? Two-eighty a ton on the April market.
Thanks.
Do I look intimidating? Oh, in a Cro-Magnon sort of way, I suppose.
The Manhattan chapter of Volunteer Fathers thinks so.
They turned down my application.
You're kidding.
Why? My size.
They felt that and my appearance might present an inhibiting factor in the development of a healthy adult-child relationship.
What's that supposed to mean? That I'd scare the kids.
- Goodbye.
- Oh, come on, Bull.
You're being too sensitive.
It's not just you.
I'm sure every one of us is influenced by the way we look.
- Right.
- Yeah.
And so we all get self-conscious.
Do people do this to you? Not that often.
After you, big fella.
I wish people would stop getting out of my way.
- What's with him? - He's depressed.
How can you tell? He told us.
It seems that he offered to be a volunteer father and they turned him down.
Obvious discrimination based on nothing more than the way he looks.
Yeah.
Reminds me of a guy I saw once in a carnival sideshow.
- Please don't.
Malcolm the Human Oddity, they called him.
- I'm begging you.
- He had two complete faces on one head.
Oh, Harry.
Sorry.
I didn't mean to gross you out.
I'm sure the other face was a trick.
It was rubber or putty or something.
It wasn't.
He talked.
Excuse me.
Where's the nearest exit? - You're looking at it.
- No, I'm not.
I think he's blind.
That's right, kid, but I'm not deaf.
Sorry.
I didn't know you could hear that.
You know, it must be true that when one sense is lost, the others become stronger to compensate.
Of course that's true.
For example I can tell that there are four people at this table.
One is having a cup of coffee, two are having a muffin and one is cremating a cat.
- Hey, grab that guy! - Gotta run.
Hold it right there, Mr.
Foley! Is that you, officer? Thank God I found you.
Yeah, yeah.
Come on.
Sorry, Judge Stone.
He keeps trying to escape.
Judge? - One of this bunch is a judge? - Yeah.
I am.
Get out of here.
- No, he really is.
- Okay, let's go.
All right, so big deal.
So you found me.
You can see.
Where's the sport in that? I don't know about you, but I feel lucky when I see the handicapped.
- Right.
I admire them too.
They've got spirit, courage.
And all those great parking places.
Don't move.
Okay, fine.
I hate flies.
I bet they're not crazy about you, either.
Who is? Come on.
If a fool at the Volunteer Fathers of America says they don't want you that's their loss.
It's not just them.
People've been making a big deal out of my size all my life.
That's why folks started calling you Bull, huh? No, that's a family name.
Say, Bull, this is just a thought.
Have you ever tried smiling? Yeah.
I didn't care for it.
I meant on a regular basis.
Maybe it isn't just your size that intimidates people.
Maybe it's your Your body language, you know? If you smile at someone, they're apt to smile right back at you.
Sounds stupid.
Well, you get no argument from me.
Harry.
- I'm really worried about Bull.
- Oh, forget it.
Once he stops giving off those menacing vibes, people will warm up to him.
Of course, these things take time.
What happened? He bared his teeth at me.
It was a smile.
Get me out of here, Vince.
I shouldn't have to be subjected to this.
I know, baby.
You're an artist.
I love you.
Shut up.
Hi there.
I'm Harry Stone, and you are? Vincent Frago and Iris Keller, second-degree obscenity.
Your Honor, these two were apprehended making a porno flick in Central Park.
Hold on, there, counselor.
The report clearly states that both parties were clothed at the time of arrest.
- Yes.
But before that, they were naked as jaybirds.
Oh, did I mention I have a witness? Leonard Bloom, Your Honor.
I saw the whole thing.
Unclothed bodies, writhing around in the grass contorted dances of lust, screams of sexual delight.
- Objection, Your Honor.
- Sustained.
But damn well put, sir.
So, Mr.
Frago, it says here that you are the producer.
Producer, director, writer.
I wear all the creative hats.
And Miss Keller is your? Star.
Along with 12 unidentified male costars.
I know what you're thinking, Your Honor, but I'm really a very good actress.
I bet you'd have to be.
You ever see me in anything? I don't think so.
- Eazy Rider? - With Peter Fonda? No.
We spelled "easy" with a Z.
But when my agent called me about this job he said it was a chance to do pap in the park.
Who knew? Who, indeed? Your Honor, I left the background reports in your office.
Well, go ahead.
Miss Keller and I are discussing the cinema.
Bull.
Once, when I was a kid, I got mad and broke my baseball bat.
I got mad once and broke my doll.
Over your head? Oh, Bull I know how much being a volunteer father meant to you.
It would've fulfilled my need to help others, to become involved to have a positive effect on the world around me.
No big deal.
Well, there are other organizations you could join.
Yeah, I tried.
The only ones that didn't care the way I looked were the Marines.
They just saw me as another shaved head.
Bet it's a snap to dry.
I have to use a chamois.
Your Honor, I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't point out that the pornography case against my clients is basically circumstantial.
That's true.
It's pretty much your word against theirs.
I've got videotape.
Pictures of these perverts! Alleged perverts, Mr.
Bloom.
- Thank you.
- You're very welcome.
Why are you pampering these people? The man is a sick dog.
Put him away.
Take a seat, Mr.
Bloom.
At least I'm not some bluenose hypocrite who talks real righteous but gets his mail in plain brown wrappers.
Listen, you, I don't have to take your kind of filth.
- That cuts it.
- What's the matter, fish-face? - The truth hurt? - Not as much as my fist! Nice catch.
You want him removed from the courtroom? That won't be necessary.
Will it, Mr.
Bloom? I just want the same number of fingers I came in with.
Thanks a lot, Bull.
I'm glad you were there.
Yeah.
Right.
Great job, Bull.
Well, did you see what you just did? You were able to be helpful right here.
Excuse me.
No kidding, Bull.
You're a tower of strength.
- I'm a wall of flesh.
- "Wall of flesh.
" Hey, I like that.
He's got that animal quality I'm looking for.
I am not an animal! I am a human being! What power! You can take that wimp Pacino.
Give me a big man anytime.
- Bull, why don't you? - Leave me alone! Why don't you all just leave me alone?! Selma, go see if he's all right.
I'll go, but I'm telling you right now, he's not all right.
Hey, can we hurry this thing up? Sure.
The only way to decide this is to view the videotape which I will do in the privacy of my chambers.
However, I would like both counsel present.
You're a good man, Harry Stone.
Court stands in recess.
I have never seen Bull like that.
Yes.
They can be dangerous when they're wounded.
Oh, come on, I'm kidding.
But if you can't laugh at other people, who can you laugh at? Listen, don't trouble yourself about Bull.
- He's okay? - He's gone.
- What do you mean, he's gone? - Just that.
He asked me to give you these.
- He's quit.
- You're kidding.
- Oh, honey, I don't have the strength to kid.
- Did he say where he was going? No.
He just muttered something about being fed up with the human race and took off.
Hello.
- How you doing? - How you doing? Foley.
Yes.
His name is Bull Shannon.
He's a bailiff.
He left here in an agitated state.
Did anyone down there see him leave the building? If you need a description, you haven't seen him.
- No one knows where he is? - Apparently not.
Harry, the set's warm.
I don't believe you.
Is that all you care about, a porno tape? What do you mean, about Bull? - Yeah.
- Come on.
I'm crazy about the big lug.
But there's nothing we can do until he surfaces.
Besides, as a representative of the people of New York it is my duty to review all the evidence.
It's a dirty movie.
It's a dirty job.
Dan's probably right.
Maybe Bull just needs some time to think things out, and then he'll be back.
Meantime, there's nothing we can do but wait.
Well, as long as we're waiting.
Yeah, okay.
But keep in mind that we're looking at this in terms of the statutory definition of obscenity and not our own personal opinions about Oh, my God.
Hey, there's no question about it.
They're breaking the law.
Of gravity.
This one of those blue-jean commercials? - Selma, is there any news? - They spotted Bull.
- Where? - On the roof.
You'll be able to see him from your window.
Roof? Oh, I read the book.
This window won't open.
Can you see him? No.
Nothing up there but a bunch of gargoyles.
Wait.
Wait a minute.
One of them's moving.
Oh, no.
It's him.
Bull! - What? - What you doing? Thinking.
- Harry, keep talking to Bull.
- I'm not exactly sure what to say.
I wouldn't mention "the bigger they are, the harder they fall.
" Well, thank you.
Bull, we were just wondering you're not thinking about doing anything weird, are you? - Like what? - Oh, say, jumping, for example.
- Bull? - Are you nuts? Why don't you come down? I like it up here.
Less people.
A man can think.
- Bull! - I'm not coming down! Leave me alone! Well, suggestions? And calling the Air Force is out.
He'd only swat down their planes.
Perhaps you could lie.
Well, I'm not above that.
- Bull? - I can't hear you.
No, don't lean over! No! No! Bull! We need your help.
Liz fell down and broke her leg, and we can't move her.
- What? - That stinks.
Would you help, Bull? She's in a lot of pain.
- Moan.
Moan.
- No.
It's silly.
So is a contempt charge.
Will you help us, Bull? It's pretty bad.
Bull, what do you say? - Okay.
I'll be right down.
- Great.
Great.
No, no, no, no, no! Take the long way.
This doesn't smell like outside.
- You again? - The judge, right? - That's right.
- What is this place, a maze? I'll call security.
Why can't they make those "you are here" maps in Braille? Here you go, Mr.
Foley.
Why don't you just have a seat right over here.
- Bull.
- Yeah, okay.
Where's? What's going on? You don't look hurt to me.
He lied.
- I get it.
- Bull, I had to talk to you.
Don't waste your breath.
It won't affect my decision.
What decision? I've decided I'm gonna go away and not associate with any other human beings as long as I live.
Boy! Now that's what I call a decision.
- Bull, you can't do that.
- Who's gonna stop me? Where would you go? I mean, what would you do? Canada, maybe.
I could be a lumberjack.
Or I could go up to the North Pole, one of those radar tracking stations.
I don't care! People won't have to deal with me.
I won't have to deal with them, which as far as I'm concerned is good riddance.
Amen.
Who are you? My name is Foley.
Ralph Foley.
Shut up, Ralph.
Right.
- I'm going.
See you.
- So that's it.
You're just gonna walk out after we've worked together all these weeks? - Bull, we want you to stay.
- Yeah, that's right.
We all do.
Dan? I'll take a taco.
I'm getting out of here! Okay.
If that's the way you feel, go ahead! Oh, come on.
I was kidding.
Bull.
Bull, maybe this is none of my business but frankly, I feel like you're acting like a little child here.
You're running away from your problems instead of facing them like a man.
This is my problem.
How can I run away from that? Boy, there's one thing I really hate, it's self-pity.
Hey, before you go away, pal I wanna, I wanna shake your hand.
There.
I never thought I'd meet the man who felt that his problem was worse than mine.
Why? What's your problem? I'm blind, man.
Yeah, see? Dark glasses and a cane.
I thought you were just being fashionable.
I'm afraid Bull doesn't pay much attention to outward appearances, Mr.
Foley.
No? Well, me neither.
But most people do.
I get hauled in for shoplifting, they say: "Oh, look at him.
Let the poor blind man go.
" But in a way, it works for me.
- I had 15 busts, only four convictions.
- Actually, I think it's 19 arrests.
Is that his arrest jacket? - Yeah.
- Let me see it.
Goodbye.
Boy, Bull sure had this guy pegged.
- What? - Yeah, the evidence is all here.
You're certainly guilty, Mr.
Foley.
- Maybe, but who's gonna send me up? - I am.
- Yeah, sure.
- I'm not kidding.
That blind stuff didn't work on Bull it doesn't work on me either, right, Bull? - Yeah, I guess.
You wanna be treated like a criminal, Mr.
Foley? I'm gonna send you up for 14 months.
That's a little rough, isn't it? - Hey, life is rough, isn't it, Bull? - Yeah.
- You're right, Bull.
This guy is scum.
- I didn't say I mean, some other judge might give him probation because he's blind.
You know, take pity.
But Bull doesn't have any pity for him, do you? - Well - And I don't either.
No.
What am I supposed to do, treat him nice? I mean, remand him into the custody of some responsible person? Come on.
What responsible person would wanna help out a miserable, rotten, sneaky little lowlife of a criminal like him? Can I have him? What? If you could see your way clear to releasing him, Your Honor l'd accept the responsibility for him.
Hey, what the hell is going on around here? I don't know, Mr.
Foley.
Listen I just wanna help.
You mind? Why do you wanna help? It makes me feel good.
I don't get a chance all that often and I miss it.
I guess I know what you mean.
I used to help people too.
But they don't ask me quite as often anymore.
I'm asking.
Yeah.
I guess you are.
Come on, judge.
Give the kid a break.
Let him have me.
- Oh, I don't know.
- Come on! What about the North Pole? I still got my two weeks' vacation.
Well, okay, but I'd feel better if you were in a responsible position.
- Is it official? - As of this moment, you're back on the job.
Great.
Can I go to lunch? Come on, Ralph.
I'll take you home.
Okay, Bull.
That stuff with me and Ralph I know what you did.
It's my hobby.
Oh, yeah? Hey, mine is stamp collecting.
Really? I'd like to see your collection sometime.
So would I.
Watch your head.
Not bad, amigo.
Gracias.
I'm starting to catch on to you, you know.
I saw those little wheels spinning in your head.
I knew that you had some kind of plan to bring those two people together like a human jigsaw puzzle, without ever We'll talk later.
So? What do you think? Let's have a cigarette.
Hello.
I thought you quit.
I'm back.
I can see that.
You know, I was worried about you.
I'm sorry.
You're sorry? Let me tell you something.
Don't you ever pull any stunt like that again while I'm around here.
And don't you ever walk out and leave me alone on the job.
And don't you ever forget that I have the seniority here and what I say goes.
Yes, ma'am.
- How about a beer at Muldoon's? - Sure.
It's your turn to buy.