Nightcap (2016) s01e05 Episode Script

1 [energetic brass music.]
Hey, guys.
We actually have a great show tonight.
- We have Debra Messing - [gasps.]
We have Mark Cuban from "Shark Tank," and we got animals.
[gasps.]
Which ones? We got sloths and cute little bunnies.
I love sloths, and I think it's important to note that sloths only go to the bathroom once a week, a policy I think we should all adopt at this office because the bathrooms here are disgusting and I want you to know I've filed a formal report.
Yo, FYI, everybody, I love "Will & Grace," so this is a huge day for me.
Wow, I never clocked you as a "Will & Grace" lover.
I'm gonna take a huge video,just just us two Well, a quick vid, just a quick vid - Oh, whoa, wait.
[gibberish.]
- What? Todd, you're not gonna take a video of Debra Messing.
- It's for Instagram.
- For Jimmy's Instagram? No.
It yeah.
Shit, yeah, it's for mine.
- Yes.
I know.
- Yeah.
I screwed up.
Good stuff.
Um, Phil? Could you make sure there's no [mouthing words.]
.
I you cut out on the last word.
I didn't hear it.
Can you make sure that nobody is taping the celebs? Okay, but isn't that why they're here? Okay, can you make sure that Todd doesn't videotape Debra Messing? - [snorts.]
- No, thank you.
- You're security! - Yeah, okay.
Todd, please promise me that No.
I mean, my hands are tied, right? He said what he said.
From Studio 9B in the heart of New York City, it's "Nightcap with Jimmy.
" Tonight: there's no "Messing" with her.
It's Debra Messing.
Reality TV's most beloved billionaire since Trump, Mark Cuban.
Plus, Ride Share Sing-A-Long! And now the man who's number five in the ratings, but number one in our hearts, here's Jimmy.
[energetic brass music.]
Oh, hey, Staci.
Can I have, like, an hour to pitch an idea to Mark Cuban? - No.
- Okay.
I can do it in probably, like, 45 minutes.
Um, listen to me, Randy.
Your job is to walk in, mic the guest, and then get out.
That's such a good idea.
I'm gonna pitch it to him when I mic him.
Randy, look at me in the eye.
Your job is to mic the celebrity, not speak to them, and get out.
I will be speaking to Mark Cuban, though.
You will not be speaking to Mark Cuban.
Yes, I am.
- Hi, ladies.
- [gasps.]
Oh, my God! Tim Gunn! - Hi.
- Hi! I just wanted you to know that I'm here.
Well, that's terrific.
Why are you? I'm doing a pop-by on tonight's show.
That's exciting.
What's a "pop-by"? Well, I saw Jimmy last night at Nobu, and he said to come by the show anytime for a pop-by.
Well, look at Jimmy, booking the show.
- Mm-hmm! - Good.
Can you take Tim Gunn to his dressing room? Great, um, can you just give us a moment, Mr.
Gunn? Of course.
Yeah, we're just gonna make it work.
Great.
Make it work.
- I'm gonna try.
- Oh, Staci.
You always make it work.
Well, thank you, Tim.
I try.
And I will try now to make it work.
- Make it work! - I am making it work.
We're gonna make it work, and maybe you can in the hallway for one moment.
Of course I can! I'll make it work out here.
Make it work! I love him so much.
But what are we gonna do with him? Our show is completely full.
Fuck Jimmy.
You know, he just Every time he goes around town and just invites people to be on the show, it really screws up my job.
[groans.]
Look, we have Mark Cuban in dressing room two.
We have Debra Messing in dressing room one.
We have the sloths.
I can't ask anybody to share a dressing room with another celebrity.
I don't know which I love more: Tim Gunn or sloths.
Ah, you know what? Tim Gunn trumps sloths.
So I'm gonna get rid of the animals.
You go give Tim Gunn a dressing room.
Did anybody see you come here? No.
Penny did, but she's stupid.
All right, now, you cleared this with Staci? - Yes.
- All right.
This is just the prototype.
- Remember, okay? - I get it.
I know.
Please, open the box.
- Ready? Yes.
[angelic music.]
Do you hate them? - They're perfect.
- [gasps.]
Oh, my God, Marcus.
You're a genius.
I know.
You should've gone to art school.
- I did.
- Oh.
Sorry.
- We're gonna make millions.
- Billions.
Well, probably not billions.
- Millions.
- Millions.
- Hi, Todd.
- Hey.
- You look really nice today.
- Okay, great.
What's up with this whole guest change thing with Tim Gunn? That's that's not Jimmy-approved, you know? I mean, Tim Gunn makes Jimmy feel really self-conscious about the way he dresses, and No, it's fine, because, uh, Tim Gunn ran into Jimmy at Nobu, and Jimmy told him to stop by.
Oh, well, Jimmy can't remember every promise he makes, you know? - That was last night.
- Jimmy's famous.
I mean, that time happens differently.
Staci is on the phone right now canceling the animal trainer to make room for Tim Gunn.
- What? No! Whan! He He's been wanting to pet that sloth for decades, all right? - No - It's on his bucket list.
Get rid of Tim Gunn! Staci! Balls.
What? There's an emergency! Well, come and tell me what it is.
My God.
[lively music.]
[gasps.]
We're so happy to have you here.
I can't tell you how hard it's been to get you on.
Okay, so, um, any funny stories about the remake of "Dirty Dancing"? - Well, actually - No.
We're not talking about "Dirty Dancing.
" Okay, we noticed on Instagram, you always wear a lot of jewelry.
Is there a Debra Messing jewelry line? No.
We're not doing that.
- Are you dating anyone? - No.
Well, I am.
I know that you love him, but let's save that for "People" magazine, not "Nightcap with Jimmy.
" - Okay.
- Hey! Oh! - Hey.
- Debra Messing.
Wow.
- Okay.
- I'm Todd.
- Hi, Todd.
- Hey, Staci.
- Thanks a lot.
Buh-bye.
No, I-I had other things I wanted to - No! - No? - Nope.
- Okay.
Bye.
I'm so sorry.
He came with the job.
- Ah.
- Right this way.
- Hi.
- Hi! - Good heavens! - Hello! - Is the circus in town? - Yeah.
- Let me help you.
- Oh, thank you so much.
- Good heavens.
- I'm so sorry, Mr.
Gunn.
We're a little bit full today.
Do you mind sharing a dressing room? Oh, of course not.
I don't want to be any trouble.
I mean, after all, I'm only doing a pop-by.
You're the greatest.
- Um, I'll let you guys get settled.
- Thank you, Penny.
And what is this? It's a two-toed sloth.
Oh.
Good heavens.
I've always wanted to meet a sloth.
Hello there, Mr.
Sloth.
I'm Tim! - Hey.
- Hi, Todd.
I still feel welcomed.
Uh, no, I came here 'cause I wanted something from you.
Oh.
Goody.
I just want to get a picture.
For my niece.
Um, it's my sister's kid out of wedlock.
Katinka! Mm.
She's nine, and, uh, she really loves you, and, you know, it'd just be great to get that photo, um Is she sick? - Yes.
- Oh.
Of course.
Anything for a sick child.
- Oh, really? - Yeah, sure.
I'm I'm one of the nice ones.
Oh, you're totally one of the nice ones, Debs.
Ra.
Debra.
- Deb-ra.
- Yeah.
- Oh, your name.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
- De Debra.
- Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
- Got it.
I won't mess that up.
I might mess it up.
- No.
- Okay, I won't mess it up.
- Yeah.
I'll help you.
- Awesome.
Hey, you know what, Deb-ra? Um, can I can I actually get a video? - Sure.
Sure, of course.
- Really? - Yes.
Yes.
- Awesome.
Oh, man, so, yeah, whenever you're ready and action.
- Hi, Katinka.
All right, I'm gonna stop you right there.
Sorry, um, can you not mention her name? 'Cause it's, like, a little formal.
Uh, we actually call her "T-man.
" 'Cause her T cell counts are low.
Does she have AIDS? Is she an AIDS baby? Oh, my God.
Yeah, she is.
- Oh, my God! - Yeah.
- Okay.
All right.
- Horrible.
I [sighs.]
All right.
Any anything you need.
Go ahead.
- Thank you so much.
- Yes.
Yes.
All right, and let's just get that going.
Hi, T-man.
I'm so sorry you're not feeling well.
- And cut.
- I Um, can you not mention the whole "sickness" thing? 'Cause we want to keep this upbeat, right? Okay, so let's do it again real quick.
And action.
- It's so great to talk to you.
- Great.
Cut.
Can we actually do it one more time? Can you do it as Grace? You know, your the 'Cause she doesn't know who Deba Mess is.
Deb-ra Mess-ing is.
Yeah.
- De But she knows Grace.
I guess if you think it'll help.
Awesome.
Thank you.
Uh, I'm gonna get some audio stuff and and lighting things.
Wha wait.
What what? Oh, God.
[energetic brass music.]
Oh, my.
How lovely.
Thank you.
Oh, no.
This is not for you.
This is for Eugene, who was actually booked on the show.
Here you are, Eugene.
Do not touch it.
Oh, my.
Okay, remember: you're Grace Adler.
You live in New York City with your husband, Will.
Did you ever watch the show? Yeah.
Every episode.
- Action! - Uh, hi.
Hi, it's me, Grace Adler.
Okay, cut.
Real quick.
Can we make it, like, a little less formal? Yeah, and with more passion.
Yeah.
Yeah, let's up that passion.
Okay.
And action.
Hi, It's me, Grace Adler, T-man.
I just wanted to say that I hope you're having a good day and that me and Will are in New York right now, thinking of you.
Cut! It's "Will and I.
" - I'm kind of a grammar nerd.
- Yeah, but Grace isn't.
Who the fuck is this guy anyway? Sorry, yeah, let's just ignore him real quick.
We're on a roll here, so let's just pick it right back up.
- Okay.
- Sticking to your script here.
- Yeah.
- And action.
Hi, it's me, Grace Adler, T-man.
I just wanted to say that I hope you're having a good day and that Will and I are in New York right now, thinking of you.
And Jack and Karen are Are on the way over - [whispering.]
Yes.
Good.
And, uh, hope you can make it.
And cut! Oh, my God.
That's a wrap.
- Oh, good.
- That is so good.
Thank you so much.
I'm exhausted.
Well, hello, Mr.
Sloth.
How's it hanging? [chuckles.]
That was funny, Tim.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Oh.
Goodness.
- Look at this.
This is incredible.
This is an animal kingdom.
It's a little menagerie.
Tim, we've had a little bit of a technical glitch.
- Oh.
- And because of that, we have to push the show back, so I'm so sorry.
Oh, listen, Staci, I understand.
So we have a limo outside waiting, and he can take you anywhere.
Oh, Staci, I don't mind waiting.
I've been up since 5:00 am.
for a photo shoot, and frankly, I'm exhausted, so having this time just to rest and relax is, frankly, welcome.
Tim, here's the thing: we are overstuffed.
We have too much going on in the show tonight.
Uh, it just It's not a good night for you.
But this is the only night that I'm available all season, and since Jimmy asked me, I don't want to disappoint him.
Okay.
Bear with me.
Hey, Mr.
Cuban.
Hi, if we could just have a very long moment of your time.
I-I'm doing business here, guys.
I'm trying to make a trade for DeAndre Jordan.
All right, I have no idea what that is, but we're about to make you filthy rich.
Dude, I'm already rich.
That's my thing.
Hello, shark.
My name is Randy, and my business is Our business.
My business is Ma'Bangs.
Both: Ma'Bangs! I am seeking $1.
38 million for a 2% stake in my business.
Our business.
You're valuing that at $69 million? Yes, and you are about to find out why.
Now, surely you've heard of man buns, right? Well, this is the future of men's hair care accessories.
This is [both.]
: Ma'Bangs! I mean, can you even tell this is fake hair? It's flawless, right? This is a product by men, for men, of men.
What does that even mean, "Of men"? For centuries, women have had it easy, with the freedom to change their hairstyle on a whim to go with the occasion, the outfit, the mood.
While men have been imprisoned by whatever they're given.
Now, God acts in mysterious ways, but God is irrelevant now, because I - We - Have created Ma'Bangs! For the man who likes to bang.
Hey, Deb-a-deb.
Uh, sorry.
Debra.
Todd, we did five takes.
Can you, uh, come with me real quick? What? Yeah, it's just, um, real quick, if you can just sit down here.
- W-what what's going on? - Oh, yeah.
Sorry.
Yeah, just just have a seat, Grace on the Grace throne.
Real quick, I just had to do one more take.
[sighs.]
You know, I-I was at the editing bay, and I just saw the footage, and it looked horrible.
I mean, the lighting was off, the makeup It was totally my fault, and I'm sorry about that.
But you looked awful.
I mean, you looked terrible.
You look you looked like if you were, like, dipped in a in a bowl of acid and you came out and you did, like, a head flip and your whole face flew off, it was kind of around there.
Okay, just, let's one more take.
She'll do one more! Aw! What a pro! Let me just check you.
Okay, you look shiny.
And Grace cannot be shiny.
Why is the chef doing my makeup? Because the makeup guy is pitching a preposterous idea to Mark Cuban in the other room.
So is the sound guy.
[laughs.]
They're always up to something.
Wow, there are some serious problems in the staffing for this show.
- What the hell? - What the hell? It's okay.
I'm I'm I'm happy to do a video for this this very brave little girl.
- What little girl? - Oh, my, uh My cousin uh, I mean, niece.
- You don't have a cousin or a niece.
Yeah, I do! She's sick.
- She's sick with what? - AIDS.
- AIDS? - Okay, you know what? Can we ju let's just Let's just do this, and we can be done with it, okay? Okay? - Yeah, that's great.
- Yeah.
- Thank you so much.
- Okay.
One, three, action.
Hi, it's Grace Adler, and I just wanted to say I hope you're having a lovely day and that Will and I are in New York right now - Nah - And we're what? - What? What? What? - No, no.
I'm not buying it.
Me neither.
Feels like you haven't played the role in a while.
Um, she played it for eight critically-acclaimed seasons.
- Eight seasons.
- Eight? I thought it was two.
- Season three was the best.
- Agreed.
Oh, I got an idea! Why don't we do a little role-playing, you know? Jog the memory a little bit? I'll be your husband, Will.
- I can play Karen.
- Well, I could play Grace.
Would you shut the fuck up? Whoa.
Well, you both can play Grace.
- I'm Grace! - You definitely play Grace.
I'm Grace, the whole point is, I'm Grace Adler! The rumors are true.
Why don't you play all the roles? Uh, all of 'em.
All right.
Just like Eddie Murphy.
Do Eddie Murphy doing 'em.
- Okay.
- Action.
- Hi, it's Grace Adler.
And Will.
[higher pitch.]
And Karen! And Jack! And we just want you to know that we're thinking of you here in New York.
- [whispering.]
T-man.
- T-man.
[energetic brass music.]
- [mumbling to self.]
- Oh.
- Hey.
I cannot believe you shot that video.
Yeah, isn't it amazing? She just, like, became Grace.
And I'm sure it's great, but we're not gonna post it.
- Yeah, I got to.
- No, you don't.
- Yeah, I'm going to.
- No, you're not going to.
- Yeah, I am.
- No, you ain't.
- Yeah'am.
- Y'ain't.
- Yam.
- Y'ain't! - Yam! - Y'ain't! - Yam! - Y'ain't! What are you doing? Oh, no! Oh, what? I'm telling Jimmy about this.
So, Mr.
Cuban, what do you say? Are you in? Guys, your pitch was awful.
Your presentation was worse.
Your product is hair on a string.
It's sad.
Sad.
- Sad or - Sad.
- Or brilliant? - Sad! - Okay.
- But.
And I can't even believe I'm telling you this.
I've never admitted this to anybody, and please don't tell anybody, but I'm one of those men.
I-I used to be able to grow bangs when I was a kid, and the memories of playing with my bangs, chewing on my bangs, are some of my best memories.
So, despite you guys, I like it.
I like it! I'm in.
[both gasping.]
- I'm in.
- For $1.
38 million? Hell no.
That's a ridiculous valuation.
But I'm in for $25,000.
I think that's the problem.
You've been on Grindr.
You're supposed to be on Tinder.
That's why nobody swiped right? - Exactly.
- Hey.
Guys.
Guys, is Debbie still here? - Uh, no, she left.
- [sighs.]
Nut butter! [sighs.]
God.
I need to re-shoot everything with her.
The video's gone all the footage, it's it's disappeared.
Like magic not like good magic.
Like evil magic.
- Like Dungeons & Dragons.
- That's a drag.
- Sucks.
- God.
All right, I'm gonna go on the roof.
Jimmy said it might be in the clouds.
- Okay.
Bye.
- Good luck.
Damn.
Did you delete that video? I just don't think Todd should have his cell phone just strewn about, with his password being Jimmy's birth date.
[laughter.]
You're my hero.
Titty twister! I love you.
[audience laughing.]
Mr.
Cuban, you were great.
And you look phenomenal.
- So virile.
- Don't call me "virile.
" Okay.
I'm sorry.
So how did you feel out there? Confident? You didn't hear them laughing at me? - No.
No.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
They were laughing with you.
You're hilarious.
Everybody loves you.
This was the worst idea ever.
I don't know what I was thinking.
I-I'm a frickin' laughingstock.
And for that reason I'm out.
Oh, no.
- What are we gonna do? - Oh, now it's "we"? And for that reason, I'm out.
Oh, no.
- Tim Gunn.
- Where is he? - To my knowledge, he's still in the sloth's dressing room where I left him.
- What do we do? - Okay.
All right.
Okay.
Okay, you know what? I've been in this profession for a long time.
This is what you do: you tell the truth.
No matter what mess your boss puts you in, you attack it head-on.
You take a bullet for him.
Doesn't matter if he's a narcissistic, egomaniacal, psychopathic man.
And that's me being kind.
This him? Aw.
He's all tuckered out.
- But I'll go wake him up.
- No, no, no, no, no! Shut up! Let's just get our stuff and go.
He's on his own.
[melancholy acoustic guitar music.]
Oh, honey.
It's too late for you.