No Heroics s01e05 Episode Script

The Hot All today's services are cancelled due to engineering works on the Eastern line.
Machine, give cash.
Sarah! Electroclash! What the bloody hell are you doing in there? We're gonna be late! - Please hurry up, love.
- OK! I'm ready.
God! Jesus Christ! You're not going out to a ferry disaster dressed like that! Why not? It's my new costume.
Talk to her, Amanda.
'Cos I've had it with this.
I'll be in the hover car.
C'mon love, you know Dad likes us looking smart for these things.
Yeah, well maybe I don't care about the stupid, pointless rescue mission! Oh, please, pet.
For me? Fine! God, I hate this family! - Car battery fail.
- You little shit! So, how do I look? - Yeah.
You look you know - Like a homeless slag.
- Excellent.
Cheers, Don.
- Welcome.
What's the special occasion? - Parents.
- Are they coming here? Yes, Jenny.
The Richard and cocking Judy of superheroes are coming here.
You're still into the dressing slutty to piss them off thing? Yep.
It never gets boring.
Unlike, say - Here comes the hot stepper! - How did the casting go? Are we looking at the new face of Power Pump gym equipment? Yeah.
Oh.
Yeah.
Well, went OK.
- Lots of positives.
- He didn't get it.
Irrelevent.
Lost out to Mainframe.
So no disgrace there.
- Isn't he the guy in the wheelchair? - It's not exactly a wheelchair, per se.
It's a chrome-plated chariot with - It's a wheelchair.
- Well, can't sit here all afternoon.
Some of us at least try to lead secret double lives.
- I don't know why you bother.
- It's fun.
You're moonlighting at an insurance company.
- Hold on, Jenny, I'll come with.
- Oh, yeah? Where you off to? - Nowhere.
- We all know what that means.
- Who's the lucky fella? - It's nobody.
Seriously.
Some bastard's in for a bum bashing, eh, Don? - Alex - Hey, I'm cool with your sexuality.
Give him one from me, eh? - Quick poke in the brown eye! - I'm going to see a therapist.
Oh, my God, are you OK? I'm fine.
Just think maybe it's time I sorted my head out.
- Right.
Sorry about the bumming stuff.
- Don't worry.
Nice one! You look like a right slag today.
Aw, cheers, Alex.
OK.
Welcome, everybody.
Quick bit of housekeeping before we start.
No mind reading, mind melding or mind control.
Please switch off all electronic devices: mobile phones, pagers, police scanners, missile defence alert systems.
Lovely.
We have a newbie with us today.
Don.
If you'd like to say a bit about yourself.
Hi, I'm Don.
Timebomb.
Round of applause, Don.
You're already a hero just for being here.
They're here.
Your Dad's just signing autographs in the cloakroom.
God's sake! What kind of sad twat - OK - Childhood hero.
They both were.
I used to have this thing for your Mum It's called an erection, Simon.
You and every other tit in my school.
Just so you know, I would never Not over your mother.
She's untouchable like Princess Diana, Lorraine Kelly Piss off, Simon.
I've got some parents to disappoint.
- How'd you mean? - Just a fun game me and my Dad play, called "I was never good enough for you so I'm gonna bust my chuff to disappoint you, you shit eater".
I believe we've got Kerplunk behind the bar.
- Hello, love.
- Mum, make yourself useful.
G & T.
Pint of.
Rampart, you old bastard! Now then, Norseman, you son of a bitch! Skip the foreplay, go straight to the bum sex.
Toner cartridge.
- Maybe I can just - Let me guess.
Paper jam! No.
It's fine.
It just needs a quick off-line system reboot.
You must be Jenny.
- Gary.
Project manager.
- Nice to meet you.
That's quite a firm handshake you've got there.
Very powerful.
Personally, I like that in a girl.
- That's enough.
That's enough.
- God, sorry! Vulnerable side.
Very attractive in a man.
- So, how was work? - Shit, actually.
Really shit.
Pretty much full time with the whole slag thing these days.
So, you're not still seeing that Alex fella, are you? Too busy shagging around.
I love it up me.
Well, thank God for that.
See? I told you there was nothing to worry about.
I'm sorry, what? I'm just happy you've finally broken up with that wee poof.
Your Dad's still a little upset about the fire.
Upset? He set fire to my fucking horse! - While I was still bloody on it! - God, yeah.
Then he sits round my house, drinking my ale, hands all over my daughter like a sex pest.
Little bastard! Oi! Blood pressure.
Will you just excuse me for a second? Can't seem to break through, Dave.
Just need a couple of adverts.
You know what the problem is? Too many heroes about.
All these Polish capes into the country.
Don't get me started.
They come over here, avert our nuclear reactor meltdowns.
Save some for the rest of us, you tossers.
Not reactor meltdowns.
Not my thing.
But you take my point.
Alex, I need you to pretend we're back together for the sake of my Dad.
So Sarah needs The Hotness to impress her little old Poppa? My Dad thinks you're a prick.
I need to know that I can still piss him off.
Be a smarmy twat for a couple of hours.
Shouldn't be a stretch.
So, er, what's in it for me? - Tit wank.
- Seriously?! Oh.
No, I didn't didn't want one.
Just Alex, if you needed advice about adverts, come and speak to my Dad.
- You reckon? - Yes! He used to have his own range of garden furniture.
Yeah.
OK.
Sorted.
And don't be afraid to use those hands.
- The more sex pesty the better.
- One sex pest coming right up.
- Now, why are you here, Don? - Right, well, I'm pretty dark.
- It's kinda my thing.
- Great.
But recently it's all the time.
You know, the booze, the heroin, the hardcore pornography, the violence.
None of it helps anymore.
Right.
So I thought to myself "Don, it's time to get some help".
Because otherwise it's going to end in bloodshed.
Well, let's not take a trip to the blood shed just yet, eh, Don? Tell us.
What makes you special? I can see into the future for up to 60 seconds.
Like now I can see myself standing here in silence with all of you just staring at me.
Like that.
Great power, Don.
Sorry, love.
I thought you said you were single? Yeah, we just had a bit of an argument.
- Hadn't we, my little Hotcakes? - Forgot our anniversary.
Typical bloody man, eh, Barry? He gets it.
We know.
We've got a relationship where we're screaming at each other one minute and beating the shit out of each other the next, then shagging with strap-ons 5 min later.
It is pretty magical.
- Right.
- That's us all over.
Very affectionate.
Indeedy doody.
Actually, Barry, I was hoping I'd get some advice on getting adverts.
He's a little overcome.
Give him a minute.
You're so sensitive my little hot dog! Talking of hot dogs, what's that I can feel sitting between two buns? That that may have been slightly inappropriate.
I'm just gonna get off your lap now.
That's it.
I'm going to rip him a new arsehole if I stay here any longer.
Come on, Barry.
Barry! Does Daddy not approve? Shame.
Fascinating stuff.
So, yeah.
Been stuck here with these maniacs ever since.
Cheers.
So, what about you? Tell me about yourself.
Nothing to tell.
I'm just an ordinary girl.
Just a normal generic adult woman.
Really? Not what I hear.
I hear you have a very special gift.
Me? No! Why would anyone say that? Oh.
So you can't touch type then? Yes! Yes, I can.
Magic fingers! But not actual magic.
It's very nice to have you on board, Jenny.
Hey! - Who wants to hear a joke? - Don't know about anyone else, but yes, please! How'd you make a superhero float? Take your foot off his head.
Good one! Bloody superheroes.
I mean, I'm just kidding.
It's not like I'm cape-ist or anything.
Look, I like a good cape-ist joke as much as the next girl.
Absolutely no reason why I shouldn't.
Well, if you like that, you're gonna love this one.
What's the difference between bag of shit and a superhero? The bag! Yeah?! OK.
Here's another So we've got the place surrounded.
Hostages inside.
This mental bastard grabs his axe and decides to charge in head first! In my defence I was actual mental at the time.
I mean, clinically insane.
Watch your backs, here comes the cape lifter.
- Barry, mate.
- Don't touch me.
Kool and the gang.
It's just I need you for a second.
- What's up? Just had your first period? - Shut up, Devlin.
She's all hormonal.
Her tits are starting to come through.
That's winter weight! It's just, I'm struggling getting adverts.
You could do adverts for bras.
Go on, Barry, 'cos you know what it's like.
You had that whole phase in the '90s where everybody forgot who you were.
- The panto years.
- That's it! You might be nobbing my daughter, but that doesn't mean I can't grind your face into the bar! Really?! Cos I kinda think that it should.
Whoa, there, soldier.
He's no Argie.
And we're a long way from the Falklands now, eh? No hard feelings, eh, Barry? Can I get you a drink? Piss off before I put a hole in your face.
Okey dokey.
- Cocky twat.
- Here's an idea, remember what we did to Depthcharge in Goose Green? The old lax attack? Oh, you evil bastard, you.
Is there a chemist nearby? And you say you have days where you feel, your words, "bleak and gloomy".
Where do you think those feelings come from? From my relationship with my sidekick.
Good, good.
I'm glad you can see that.
- You gotta be kidding me? - I just wish he respected me more.
He gets all the wisecracks.
Once, just once, I would like a punch line.
So selfish.
What would you say to him if he were here now? I'd probably say "Afterburner, flame up!".
And then we'd light our fire gauntlets and high five.
It's kind of our thing.
Although, again, it's always me who initiates it.
- Let's explore that.
- I think I can help.
- Really? - Yeah.
It's pretty simple.
There's one thing you need to do to make it all better.
- Great.
Thanks.
- Grow some fucking balls.
But, you know, that's Alex.
Yeah, he'll steal money off me and fuck off for three days, but he'll always bring me something back.
Even if it is herpes.
Sarah, I'm not gonna pretend that I'm happy that you've taken up with this Alex fella again.
- Excellent.
- But it is obvious that you're very happy.
- Pardon? - There's no point denying it.
- You just look right together.
- How many of those have you had? - I'm sorry about earlier.
- And I'm sorry for threatening to grind your face into the bar.
It happens, Dad.
Look, if you wanna get more ad work, - I'll let you into a little secret.
- Ah! Don't do Es anymore.
Long story.
I spazzed out and set fire to someone's pubes.
Actually, that's pretty much it.
They're steroids.
For muscle bulk.
You know.
Heroes little helpers.
- Right.
- You wanna get noticed? You need to build up that upper body.
- You reckon? - Yeah, look at you.
Scrawny arms, fat legs.
You're built like a kangaroo.
- I'm not sure about this.
- I won't lie to you.
They're unethical and they're illegal.
Will they make my bollocks smaller? Well, they're plenty big enough, aren't they? God, yeah.
Like two goose eggs in a hammock.
Well.
Take them.
- Seriously.
- OK.
Thanks.
I hold up my hands, forelegs, whatever, and say "OK, I've put on a bit of weight".
What names specifically have people been calling you? I don't pay much attention.
Praying Man Tits.
And this weight thing, it's making you depressed? In any other line of work I could cover up, but Lycra, it's so unforgiving.
How's this for unforgiving? You're a whiny little bitch.
Sorry, Don, did you have some feed back there? Yeah, I came here for therapy.
All I see is an angry dwarf, a fat man in an insect costume and a closet case who needs to get over it and have sex with his sidekick.
Anything in particular you think we should be talking about? Why don't we talk about how it feels to kill a man? To look him in the eye and kill him.
Not for love, not for good, not for evil, but for the price of a cheap blowjob.
Let's talk about that.
OK.
Who wants to go first? Yeah.
What's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead superhero babies? Dunno.
You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.
Nice one.
Again.
Just kidding around.
You know.
Bit of harmless fun.
Unlike the rallies I go on.
- Cos they're actually quite hardcore.
- Rallies? Cape Haters of Great Britain.
We go out costume stomping.
OK.
Look, Gary, if I don't tell you this now, I'll regret it - for the rest of my life.
- You're a cape! Ah! Kidding! You should've seen your face though! Priceless.
Come on, you couldn't be a cape.
Far too pretty.
- You really think I'm pretty? - Yeah, I do.
Capes, well - Well, they're scum.
- Well They killed my girlfriend, you know.
Kidding! No.
Right.
Bloody heroes.
Give them a good kicking from me.
Yeah.
Hey, here's another! A superhero, a mutant and an Asgardian god are stuck in the jungle You and Dad are getting on all of a sudden? We've got a lot in common.
Old school heroes, work hard, play hard.
- Alex, you've got a Nintendo DS.
- That can be hard.
I've got these really bad stomach cramps.
So Mum thinks we're madly in love.
- You're joking? As if! - Tell me about it.
Stupid cow.
- We weren't in love as we were together.
- I know that! I knew from the start it wasn't going anywhere.
Me too.
It was just a bit of fun.
Not that it was much fun.
We did have some good sex though.
I remember the picnic table.
Not me.
Should have been.
God! I've gotta shoot.
Tip off, arson attempt.
Mind if I take the mag? - You're going for a shit, aren't you? - Yeah.
And you know the worst part? I liked my job.
I hurt people.
I tied them up and then I hung them from the arms until - you hear their tendons rip.
- Jesus Christ.
Then I went home and cracked a bottle of vodka, maybe smoked a little smack, and it felt good.
So I guess I'm trying to figure out whether chopping off a super villain's fingers and making him eat them in a cheese baguette is really heroic anymore? - Guys? - Sorry, Don.
I'm not 100% sure we're going to be able to help you resolve that one.
You know, I feel a little better already.
Just, I don't know, kind of getting it out there.
It's nice.
Nice to share.
So, same time next week, huh? Biscuit? God! Can you hurry up in there?! I think I'm about to shit myself.
PLEASE! I'm at Def-Con 1 out here! - Cheers, Norsey.
- We have to get a wriggle on.
Your Dad wants to get back for his Fort Boyard.
It's the grand final.
There's something I should tell you about Alex and me Everyone! Guess who just shat themselves?! The old lax attack, eh, Barry? Never fails.
Oi, squitty arse! - That was you, wasn't it? - What was? Alex shitting himself.
You and Devlin.
You did something to him.
- Don't know what you're talking about.
- You are such a fucking bully! - Just you wait a second - I'll take care of this, Barry.
Won't have you disrespected in my Fortress.
- For fuck's sake.
- This man is a legend.
Why don't you stay out of this, monkey spanker? - This is hero stuff.
- I'm a hero.
No.
You're a cloakroom attendant.
There's a difference.
- I'll show you! - Oh, yeah? I'll show all of you exactly how much of a hero I can be.
You're making a scene, Sarah.
Good! Come on, Barry.
I think you've done enough.
Oop, nearly forgot.
Car battery fail.
- You little shit! - Literally never gets boring.
So, what are you up to Saturday evening? Absolutely nothing.
Because I'm going to a cape haters rally.
Actually, extremely busy.
Shame.
Could've got some dinner afterwards.
- Dinner? - Maybe squeezed in a few cocktails.
Cocktails! Jesus Christ! Oh, my God, my God! - It's too heavy.
I can't shift it.
- Here, let me! Jenny, you're just a girl, you're no use.
I forgot.
Of course.
You're right.
Just get it off! My leg! Oh, for goodness sake! I mean, honestly, it's not even that heavy.
OK, I'm a cape.
- Only trying to help.
- Scum.
Just to be clear, where does leave you and me on the cocktail front? Do you know how much it costs to remove shit stains from a lycra body suit? - Yes.
- 70 whole English pounds.
So? You can get a new costume.
I'll never get another job.
Boo hoo! You miss your photocopier.
I shat myself.
- What's this for? - Helping with Mum and Dad.
- Aw, thanks.
- Did you tell them yet? Yeah.
Guess what Sarah's Mum thinks.
- Seriously gonna kill yourselves.
- She thinks we're in love! Look at their faces.
They can't believe it.
- Funniest thing ever.
- I know.
- Pissing myself when I think about it.
- Me too.
How long's this flirting thing gonna last, roughly? - Let's get a kebab.
- Ooh, kebab!