No Tomorrow (2016) s01e05 Episode Script
No Regrets
1 - Previously on No Tomorrow - You two are seeing each other, too? I subscribe to the notion of ethical non-monogamy.
He's not as safe and vanilla as your previous boyfriends, and that's a good thing.
I've never dated casually.
You know, it's really something I should try.
- You know? - Yeah.
I added some dating apps.
Deirdre whispered in my ear and something happened.
- Are you into Deirdre? - I have an Internet girlfriend.
Who you've never actually met.
You want to have some real fun?! I can't do this.
- You ready? - Yeah Ready.
Okay.
Okay, on the count of three.
Three, two Whoo-hoo! So, what's next? Mm Number 36, spend the night in a blanket fort.
You know, my mom always worried that I'd suffocate.
As much as I would love to cross off number 544 on my list, which is, have sex in a blanket fort, I can't help but notice you keep on skipping over number 17.
- Oh, Francis Fernberger.
- We called her "Fern.
" And I think I ruined her life.
Ah.
Yeah, regrets are the hardest ones.
I'll tell you what.
You tackle number 17, and I will tackle one of my hard ones.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
So, what happened with Fernie Fernberger? Well, we were best friends in high school.
Until the day before color guard co-captain tryouts.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Little pump, little pump.
And five, six, seven, eight.
One, two, three, four, behind, circle, down.
Grab one, down two, down back, circle, circle, circle That's how you do Biscuits and Gravy! You grew a lot this summer, but it still works.
Gives us two levels of flags.
Can you imagine, Fern? By this time tomorrow, we could be color guard co-captains! Ooh We got this.
Oh.
Made you a special copy of our music.
Thank you! Turds.
The volleyball Barbies.
Oh, they think they're so cool just because they're so cool.
You, string bean.
Me? You play volleyball? I mean, I have.
I think you could be our new spiker.
Tryouts.
Now.
Fern never became a co-captain.
And without me, she was just another social leper in bright blue tights waving a flag.
That's why you need to do number 17 right now.
Time is too precious for regrets.
Okay, well, then what about you? I mean, what do you want to make right? Um I'm starting to regr Sorry, that's Heartster, one of the dating apps Kareema installed.
Heartster's blowing up.
- - Well, actually, no, - that one's CutieCall.
- Uh-huh.
Or maybe it's TrueSoulMate.
I can't keep track.
I'll stash it, though.
Um Okay, go.
Your regret.
Ah - I stole my friend's - signed Frank Thomas rookie baseball card the summer after fifth grade.
And then I pawned it.
To buy nunchucks.
Nunchucks? It was fifth grade.
I still have them.
So that's it? Just return a baseball card? It's a very, very, very rare connection that we have.
And now I'm starting to regret encouraging her to explore ethical non-monogamy in the first place.
But I'd be a hypocrite to say that, because it's directly contradicting my own philosophy.
You're being a wuss.
I am not being a wuss.
- You're being a wuss.
- I'm not being a wuss.
You're being a wuss, man.
And I get it.
It's risky business caring deeply for someone.
I can't tie her down when she's just starting to explore.
You can't just sit back like an asshat and watch her date other guys if it's, if it's killing you.
Sure I can.
Her journey is her journey.
Love doesn't work like that, my friend.
It'll break your heart, steal your car and kick you in the beans.
Mocha chocolate latte with whipped cream.
Thank you, Hank.
Please place it on my desk.
One more thing.
I can't seem to find my sticky notes.
Found 'em.
You always pick out such beautiful colors.
I like lavender the best.
It's so vivid.
So, what's on your social calendar this evening? Practicing holding my breath.
In case of a chemical attack.
Oh, sounds fun.
Know what else is fun? Salsa dancing.
Lavender's a good color on you.
- True.
- Hey, favor? Not really my thing.
I need help finding a friend from high school Francis "Fern" Fernberger.
She's a ghost on social media.
Try Google.
I get a thousand pages for a veggie restaurant chain, Fernburgers.
So you want me to see if she's ordered anything from Cybermart? Ugh.
Fine, I'll do it.
But only because it's against company policy.
Found Your SoulMate! So how's the prowl? Oh, it is a dude buffet.
Outdoorsy guys, bankers, bikers, gamers, one guy who makes his own cheese.
You know, all these acronyms ISO, LTR, DTF which I figure is Downtown Friend Something like that.
Oh, found your Fernberger.
She is a Cybermart customer.
- Tell me everything.
- Um, it's totally confidential, so what do you want to know? What did what did she last order? Let's see.
Oh, 400 pounds of Hungry Whiskers Cat Food.
I knew it.
Crazy cat lady.
Her life is a cliché and it's all my fault.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
And by bathroom, I mean smoke a joint.
And If I accidentally keep your friend's info up, I can't prevent you from accidentally seeing it.
- Thank you.
- No problem.
I'm tellin' you, T-Cakes, Douglas is gettin' vibes.
Deirdre's majorly into us.
- Uh, Douglas? - My manhood.
It's a family name.
She knows when she whispers, it drives him loco.
She's playin' some sort of sadistic sex game with us.
It can't happen.
I mean, I'm her assistant.
And plus, I'm in a very serious relationship with my Internet girlfriend.
Who may not exist.
@WinnieCooper534 is real! And I've been catfished enough times to know.
This does not smell like catfish.
You know, maybe this whole Deirdre situation is a sign that you and, uh, "Winnie" need to upgrade your relationship to IRL.
- You're right.
It's time.
- Yeah.
Luckily, we have procedures - already in place.
- You okay? You're grabbing your back and Yeah, um it's Bianca.
- Mm.
Purple hair? - Purple hair.
Wrestling.
She's into something called "sex combat.
" Whoa no no, you need to be careful with that, T-Zone.
Sh-She punched me in the pe I didn't hear you.
Can you speak up? - Punched me in the - What? - She punched me in the penis! - She punched you in the penis? Shh Did it hurt? Yeah.
Was it, like, a straight did she jab it, or was it, like, a left hook, or It's har I was fast asleep.
- I just woke up in pain.
- Oh Anyway, that's why I'm filling out this TrueSoulMate app.
- Oh.
- Mm.
Instead of matching you with a bunch of randoms, it just finds "the one.
" For you.
All you got to do is upload a photo.
Just like that, I'm back on the market.
Ah.
And I got a hot date.
Oh! "Affirmative.
Meeting protocol engaged.
" Yeah! - That's hot.
- Yeah, that is hot.
- Super hot.
- Yeah, we're hot.
I'm standing outside Fern's place and you know what, I'm really starting to rethink this whole thing.
Why don't I just do something else on my list? There's so much.
Because we both need to confront our regrets while we still have the chance.
It's too much.
You know, once I see her, I'm gonna have to own the fact that I turned her into the type of person who has a Kitty Playground sign on her front door.
- Evie.
You can do this.
- I'm bailing.
Evie Covington?! Hey Fern.
What are you doing here? I just looked you up.
I wanted to say hi.
Hi.
Come here, let me have a look at you.
I mean still amazing as ever.
You too.
Do you live here? I work here.
Yeah, I-I started Best Pals Animal Sanctuary after grad school.
Oh.
It's so fulfilling.
Some days I wonder who is rescuing whom.
Anyway, it is so great to see you.
Come on in, let's catch up.
Best Pals started as a small shelter dedicated to neglected cats.
You probably saw the throwback Kitty Playground sign on the door.
Oh, I no, I didn't catch that, no.
Over the years, we've expanded our shelters to 15 countries.
We now rescue just about every kind of animal in need of love and nurturing and antibiotics.
Like Rosie.
Oh! Hi.
Her mom was rescued from a flood in Uruguay.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
I never swam so hard in my life.
Oh, well I I can't tell you how relieved I am to see what a success you are, Fern.
- Relieved? - Yeah that first day of sophomore year I always felt terrible about skipping out on our color guard cocaptain tryouts.
I'm so sorry.
Well, that was ages ago.
I know.
I've just been worried this whole time that I might've derailed your life in some way because of it.
Do I looked derailed? Gosh, no.
You look gorg.
All caps.
And you're doing everything that I ever dreamed of.
- What do you mean? - Well, I'd love to travel the world, give back in some meaningful way, so I've been trying to transfer into my company's cyber division, CyberHugs.
And there's an open spot they're going to fill by the end of the month and I think I have a good shot.
Found your soul mate! Oh.
Ugh.
Sorry, my friend signed me up for these dating apps.
- Holy - Shiatsu.
Look for an envelope with the word "Shiatsu.
" It's our code word.
Oh.
Found your soul mate! Oh, good lord.
Bingo.
Oh man, that's really Unbelievable.
This guy's my ex and that's my arm he chopped out of my own photo.
But you match.
Maybe that's a sign you guys are meant to be, after all.
No.
No, I mean there's always that part of you that has a hard time letting go of an ex, but I've moved on.
Oh, why do I have to reject him again? It's just salt in the wound.
Maybe you should wait for him to do it.
Yeah.
This is nice.
That we can just pick right up where we left off.
It is nice.
I just got the most fab idea.
If we have any positions open here wouldn't it be fun to make a difference, you know, together? Wow, that would be amazing.
Uh, but I'd you know, I'd have to think it through.
Great, let's get lunch tomorrow.
We'll noodle it over.
I'd love that, but I normally eat lunch in our cafeteria at work.
However, tomorrow is Tater Tot Tuesday, if you want to join.
I would love to.
Fun Fern Fact, Tater Tots are my fave.
I remember.
Okay, great, well, I will I'll see you tomorrow then.
She plays with puppies all day and, Fun Fern Fact, she's been to Uruguay and Cambodia and Estonia.
You know, I guess I didn't ruin her life after all.
Brilliant.
Then you can cross 17 off your list.
Uh come to think of it, Fern never actually accepted my apology.
I'm so sorry.
Well, that was ages ago.
Yeah, but you made the apology.
- That's what counts.
- No, but my number 17 was "Get Fern's forgiveness.
" I don't think I've done that yet.
Maybe she didn't think I was being sincere.
Tomorrow at lunch, I am gonna apologize so hard, Fern won't know what hit her.
Yeah, I like your style.
A sincerity tsunami.
How's the baseball hunt going? Eh, good news and bad news.
Okay, give me the good news.
- I found the baseball card.
- That was fast.
Actually, it wasn't that hard to track.
The serial number was a factorial prime.
Hot nerd alert.
Okay.
What is the bad news? - We can't steal that.
- It's already stolen, Evie.
We're just gonna return it to its rightful owner.
- Ow.
- You're on my foot.
I'm just trying to get my arm ow unpinned.
- Ow.
- Shh, shh, shh.
You okay? Here's the plan, all right? Once the museum closes, we're gonna slip out of here, we're gonna swap the Frank Thomas card for this one.
What? No, Frank Thomas is way better looking than Nolan Ryan.
Yeah, but Ryan's cards are more valuable.
Museum's getting it for a steal.
So, um how's-how's the whole, um ethical non-monogamy journey going? Good.
- Different, you know? - Mm.
You? Yours? Yeah, you know, I'm, um journeying.
- So, um - Yeah? What should we do until the museum closes? Busted.
You're not the first couple to go for a home run in that locker.
I'm gonna have to take you in.
No, come on, mate.
You don't want to do that.
I don't? Well, think of all the paperwork.
Well, there might be something we can work out.
Uh, all right, n-name it.
A kiss with tongue.
Kissing a law officer's on my list, so Okay, deal.
No, not-not you.
Him.
Oh.
Okay.
Okay? Mm.
Mm.
So do you want to hit any more bases or are we good? Great.
Um.
- Win-win.
- Boom! You have big balls for a lady.
Say again? You've been shopping around.
I just hung up with a Francis Fernberger.
Fern.
She informed me you're to have lunch today to discuss a job at Best Pals Animal Shelter.
Oh.
No.
Well, Fern's an old friend, so she mentioned a possible job, but in a, in a very theoretical way.
As you know, the CyberHugs position is still up for grabs.
Your name crossed my mind in a very theoretical way but now I am tempted to put the kibosh on it.
No, please, don't don't kibosh it.
Luckily for you, I found Fern delightful.
She's a remarkable woman.
Yeah, she can execute a Peggy Spin better than anyone I know.
It's a flag thing, just, never mind.
I, uh, would like to probe her brain for ways to improve our CyberHugs program.
I could be swayed to unkibosh my recommendation should you choose to set up a lunch for Fern and myself.
You you want to eat Tater Tots with us? Your attendance is optional.
I'm supposed to be here alone.
Get get back to your bench.
- I'm breaking protocol.
- Stop it.
I'm bored.
Oh, oh, oh! Go time.
What? She's, like, 90.
With polymer latex prosthetics, Winnie could look any age.
Bianca still hittin' you up? Yeah.
She wants to "chokeslam" me.
I'm starting to get worried about your sex wrestling, tea bag.
Yeah.
Me, too.
The Boston Crab isn't nearly as fun as it sounds.
Well, that doesn't sound fun at all.
Your soul mate is waiting.
Damn! You still haven't pulled the trigger on Evie? I just I just keep thinking that You know, maybe it's a sign that we should still be together.
Here's a sign.
Wake up and reject her before she rejects you.
Again.
All right.
I'm sorry.
Just tough love.
No.
No, I get it.
I get it.
Oh, hey, look, a food vendor.
Shall I order you the catfish? She's real.
Hey, um, yesterday in your office, I think there was some confusion.
I wasn't trying to get a new job, so when you called my boss, I mean, it kind of, uh, it kind of got me in hot water.
Evie, I feel terrible.
It was just a standard reference check.
I guess I got excited at the prospect of working with a friend.
I'm so sorry.
That's okay.
I totally forgive you.
And again, I want to reiterate how genuinely sorry I am about what happened back in high school.
Oh, is that Deirdre? Yeah.
It is.
This is unreal.
What brings the X-man to my Wesylum? Well, I came across something of yours.
Where did you find it, bro? Uh, in a case.
An old Color Me Badd CD case, probably yours.
Well, thank you for bringing it back, man.
Oh, that is absolutely my pleasure, man.
Um, well, this has been great catching up, but Hey, hey, hey, you know what's funny? Our cleaning lady growing up, Mrs.
Barnes, she got fired over this.
What? Yeah, we figured she was the one who took it, so my dad friggin' axed her.
Do you know what happened to her? Who knows? Relax, bro, it's, uh, it's not the end of the world.
Yeah pretend like it is.
Well, uh, she kept sending me birthday cards every year.
I could dig 'em up, see if there's a return address.
That would be great.
That would be beyond great.
And then, in ninth grade, Evie snarted in Brent Wellman's minivan after soccer practice.
Oh, wait, back up.
What's a snart? I've never laughed this hard sober.
Evie, why have you been keeping Fern from us all this time? Oh, you know, friends drift apart.
Yeah, Evie joined the volleyball team, so we both made new friends.
David oh, Michael.
Guys, can I eat? Fun Fern Fact, those lunches inspired me to start Best Pals Animal Sanctuary.
Because a bond with an animal is a bond for life.
That's like the saddest best story ever.
Animals, if properly neutered and cleaned, can have value.
We had a pet turkey named Pretzel when I was a child.
And he, of course, was slaughtered one year for Thanksgiving.
To this day, I can't bring myself to eat pretzels.
I can't eat pretzels either.
- It's a gluten thing.
- CyberHugs does not yet have an animal rescue branch, but it certainly should.
And I think someone with your experience should launch it.
Well, Fern has a lot on her plate with her own organization.
But if it were a consulting thing Terrific.
You can vet each animal charity to determine the ones most worthy of CyberHugs' donation.
No.
I mean, no way.
That's-that's so exciting.
Welcome aboard, Fern.
This is starting to get out of control.
That stupid baseball card didn't just affect my mate it ruined some poor cleaning lady's life as well.
And now I've got to go find out where she lives so I can apologize.
Ugh! This was supposed to be an easy one to cross off the list.
Heavy load, man.
How's, uh, number 1259 on the apocalyst comin' along? I am still trying to be Zen on that one.
But just the thought of Evie with other guys, it's just like a shiv twisting in my side.
Okay.
Time for a coffee metaphor.
Ever have Tanzania peaberry? Most people can't stomach it.
Too acidic.
But if you drink enough, the body adapts.
Or you get an ulcer.
Oh, wow.
I didn't know that could be pierced.
Uh, breeds box turtles? Is that a thumb or, uh in the environmental, health, and educational fields Nice of you to join us.
Sorry.
I didn't realize we had a meeting scheduled.
I e-mailed everyone last night.
Proceeds earmarked for the animal welfare branch will benefit outfits like Purrrfect Rescue.
- Okay, any questions? - Ooh! Um, Hank.
Is that the same organization that plays the Sarah McLachlan music? It isn't, Hank, but, Fun Fern Fact, I am helping them secure an Evanescence ballad.
All right, that's my spiel.
Um, but before you go, I just wanted to thank everyone for making me feel so welcome.
I've never had a job that felt so much like family.
H-Hey, uh, I-I never got your e-mail, Fern.
Hmm, that's strange.
Oh, I accidentally misspelled your name.
"Evil Covington.
" I'm so sorry.
That bitch has it out for me.
For crying out loud, Evie.
Are you trying to turn me into a snarter? Do you have a minute? It's-it's about Fern.
Oh.
She's tremendous.
I just put a call into corporate.
I don't think we're gonna have to fill that full-time CyberHugs position after all.
No, but that was supposed to be my position.
Frankly, your loyalty issues concern me.
You took an employment interview - elsewhere, - No, that wasn't skipped out on our animal launch meeting She never sent me the e-mail.
The animals don't want your excuses, Evie, and neither do I.
Fern won't accept my apology, she embarrassed me in front of my colleagues, and she stole my dream job.
You know, I think she has it out for me.
Babe, you sound more paranoid than Hank.
Fern's awesome.
Warm heart, beautiful soul What did she give you? Her company's box seats to the hockey game.
There's something about a man with missing teeth - Never mind.
- It was just a gift for setting her up on TrueSoulMate.
Speaking of which, how's the bone patrol going? Have you PNP'd any VGLs? Good-ish.
Did you know dogs can sniff out buried human remains better than any machine? Gnarliest barrel ever.
Dropped in, got sucked up, hit the lip.
It was like, baw! My doctor thinks it's allergies.
I'm allergic to mold.
A-And some pollens.
Greek salad.
Leg hair Lots of fascinating folks out there.
Your soul mate is still waiting.
Why won't he do it first? Enough with this game of TrueSoulMate chicken.
You already hit that, so let's quit that.
Soul mate rejected.
What's the damage, Golden-T? Oh.
You see that? That's your sign.
You need to quit waiting around like a chump.
- Oh, I'm no chump.
- You're damn right you're no chump.
You're a choke-slammin', face-bustin' piledriver.
- Hell yeah! Yeah? - Yeah! Quit wastin' time and get back in that ring.
Just like I'm doin' with Winnie.
She blew you off.
It's 'cause she's a man in the Ukraine.
No.
She knew we broke protocol.
I think she was that old woman with the oxygen tank.
But I got her to agree to another meet-up.
And I know she'll show up next time.
I know it.
So come on.
Okay.
Here I go again.
Hey.
We need to talk.
Everything okay? You wriggle into my life, steal my friends, steal my job.
And for what? To get even for something that happened in high school a decade ago? Well, Fun Evie Fact, I'm not gonna be bullied by you because I made an insensitive decision to join an after-school sport.
So you're right, it's on! It's so on I might spike this ball into your stupid little Fern face! Evie! What's all this? CyberHugs is donating athletic equipment to inner city schools.
"It's on" meant that Deirdre approved it.
So we're all pitching in.
I thought you knew.
Fern, I'm so sorry.
I promise - I'll-I'll - You'll what? Make it up to me? I think you could be our new spiker.
Tryouts.
Now.
I'm so sorry.
I promise I'll make it up to you.
You do hold a grudge.
I knew it.
Of course I do.
I spent three years eating lunch with pigeons.
- Fern, I - And when you showed up on my doorstep, it was the perfect opportunity to make you suffer for everything you did to me.
But then I met all these cool people you work with, and they accepted me.
I mean, this place is everything I always wanted in high school.
But I thought your colleagues should have a chance to see your true colors.
And now they have.
I'm truly sorry, for everything.
You keep saying that, but the truth is you never made it up to me.
Being sorry doesn't change a thing.
Hello, sir, um - My name is - 30 minutes late, you don't even have the pizza.
Honey! He forgot the pizza.
My wife? She gets a little hangry.
I-I don't have any pizza, Mr.
Barnes.
I'm here to talk to your wife about Barnes? You must be talking about Annette Barnes.
We bought the place from her two years back.
Do you have any idea where she is now? In conclusion, I just hope my behavior wasn't responsible in any way for your uh, current condition, Mrs.
Barnes.
Four words.
To sum up someone's whole life? Four words? Doesn't seem like it's enough.
You know what? Words aren't enough.
For this or for making amends.
I think we're going about our regrets all wrong.
I think we need to do something.
Hard at work.
Like a natural born CyberHugs Team Leader.
What's that? Spoke to corporate.
We decided you're ready for your next phase here at Cybermart.
I got it? Ooh! Yee! I find your excitement grating.
I Sorry.
Oh! - Thank you! - Don't thank me.
Corporate stipulated that I offer the position to a full-time Cybermart employee, any Cybermart employee, before going to an outside contractor.
So you wanted to hire Fern, but you can't? Not unless you turn down the offer.
Code word.
Shiatsu! You're real.
What's real? When we're all living in a giant video-game Programmed from another dimension Designed to wrap us in a - false sense of security! - False sense of security! Xavier Holliday? Yeah.
Did you fill out your mental health history? Um well I'm not actually, um here for for help.
I'm the person that's responsible for ruining your mother's life.
Well, to be honest, it was hard on us.
Mom was helping me with law school tuition, so I had to drop out.
This is what I'm talking about.
I want to make amends.
I can get you the money to finish law school.
I don't want your money, Xavier.
My mom got depressed after she was let go.
I helped her through that rough patch, and in the process, I realized law school wasn't my passion.
But I have an ear for other people's problems.
And now here I am.
Things often work out the way they should.
Do they? 'Cause here's the thing there's this girl.
And I want to be committed to her, but I can't tell her.
What's holding you back? Um I don't know.
She's having such fun with all these dating apps, and and it's my fault.
I've the one who told her to go buck wild.
Maybe she'd feel differently if she knew you wanted a commitment.
But, you know, I don't want her to feel stifled by my feelings.
That's not how ethical non-monogamy works.
You want to be ethical? Then tell her the truth about how you feel.
She might feel stifled or she might not.
At least she knows her options.
We're almost out of time.
It's true.
Our time is really precious.
I mean our session is ending.
Oh.
You called me out here to prove you can still fit in your uniform? For one, it's so tight I can't feel my arms.
Secondly, remember when we used to play kickball at recess? Every day in fourth grade.
If the ball bounced weird during your turn to kick, we'd call it Do-over.
That's what I want.
A do-over.
No, how can I trust you? You just want my job at CyberHugs.
I turned it down.
Told Deirdre this morning you're the most qualified person for the job.
Why would you do that? To make it up to you.
Finally.
And there's one more thing.
You kept it.
Flags up.
You got to be kidding me.
You know you want to.
Five, six, seven, eight! That's what you call Biscuits and Gravy, baby! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Oh, yeah! We're still really good.
So, what's your position on discount mattress pricing? The government controls it to fund cyberweapons programs.
Yucca Mountain? Underground repository for alien technology.
Are you sure we're not related? I know, right? - Yeah.
- But there is something I need to know.
What's your name? You can whisper it.
I mean, for confidentiality.
Don't worry I swept the immediate vicinity.
Yeah, you know, maybe you should still whisper it, you know, just to be safe.
Hmm.
How about the other ear? Huh.
Okay, how about both at once? I felt like I was kissing my brother.
Huh.
I think we should just be friends.
And battle buddies.
When foreign forces hit our shores.
Yeah! Yes! I broke up with my Internet girlfriend.
Oh.
Lavender sticky notes.
My favorite.
May I have this dance? Found your soul mate.
Cute.
Soul mate accepted! Oh, well, it's official.
I finally get to cross number 17 off my list.
That outfit makes me want to add, like, a dozen to mine.
Oh.
Well, how did it go with Violet Barnes? She's a very gifted therapist.
Oof.
Is that a euphemism? No.
She advised me to put all my cards on the table.
About? This whole ethical non-monogamy thing.
Honestly, I'm totally fine with it.
I don't want to do it anymore.
What? Look it was perfect for me.
For a really long time, but something's different now.
This is different.
I don't want every possible option.
I want you.
Wow.
So I just I just wanted you to know that, for whatever it's worth.
And you have every right to carry on journeying.
Nah.
I'm good.
- Hey.
- Yeah? - I've got something to show you.
- Mm-hmm? No, you didn't.
I certainly did.
- Shall we? - Oh, y
He's not as safe and vanilla as your previous boyfriends, and that's a good thing.
I've never dated casually.
You know, it's really something I should try.
- You know? - Yeah.
I added some dating apps.
Deirdre whispered in my ear and something happened.
- Are you into Deirdre? - I have an Internet girlfriend.
Who you've never actually met.
You want to have some real fun?! I can't do this.
- You ready? - Yeah Ready.
Okay.
Okay, on the count of three.
Three, two Whoo-hoo! So, what's next? Mm Number 36, spend the night in a blanket fort.
You know, my mom always worried that I'd suffocate.
As much as I would love to cross off number 544 on my list, which is, have sex in a blanket fort, I can't help but notice you keep on skipping over number 17.
- Oh, Francis Fernberger.
- We called her "Fern.
" And I think I ruined her life.
Ah.
Yeah, regrets are the hardest ones.
I'll tell you what.
You tackle number 17, and I will tackle one of my hard ones.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
So, what happened with Fernie Fernberger? Well, we were best friends in high school.
Until the day before color guard co-captain tryouts.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Little pump, little pump.
And five, six, seven, eight.
One, two, three, four, behind, circle, down.
Grab one, down two, down back, circle, circle, circle That's how you do Biscuits and Gravy! You grew a lot this summer, but it still works.
Gives us two levels of flags.
Can you imagine, Fern? By this time tomorrow, we could be color guard co-captains! Ooh We got this.
Oh.
Made you a special copy of our music.
Thank you! Turds.
The volleyball Barbies.
Oh, they think they're so cool just because they're so cool.
You, string bean.
Me? You play volleyball? I mean, I have.
I think you could be our new spiker.
Tryouts.
Now.
Fern never became a co-captain.
And without me, she was just another social leper in bright blue tights waving a flag.
That's why you need to do number 17 right now.
Time is too precious for regrets.
Okay, well, then what about you? I mean, what do you want to make right? Um I'm starting to regr Sorry, that's Heartster, one of the dating apps Kareema installed.
Heartster's blowing up.
- - Well, actually, no, - that one's CutieCall.
- Uh-huh.
Or maybe it's TrueSoulMate.
I can't keep track.
I'll stash it, though.
Um Okay, go.
Your regret.
Ah - I stole my friend's - signed Frank Thomas rookie baseball card the summer after fifth grade.
And then I pawned it.
To buy nunchucks.
Nunchucks? It was fifth grade.
I still have them.
So that's it? Just return a baseball card? It's a very, very, very rare connection that we have.
And now I'm starting to regret encouraging her to explore ethical non-monogamy in the first place.
But I'd be a hypocrite to say that, because it's directly contradicting my own philosophy.
You're being a wuss.
I am not being a wuss.
- You're being a wuss.
- I'm not being a wuss.
You're being a wuss, man.
And I get it.
It's risky business caring deeply for someone.
I can't tie her down when she's just starting to explore.
You can't just sit back like an asshat and watch her date other guys if it's, if it's killing you.
Sure I can.
Her journey is her journey.
Love doesn't work like that, my friend.
It'll break your heart, steal your car and kick you in the beans.
Mocha chocolate latte with whipped cream.
Thank you, Hank.
Please place it on my desk.
One more thing.
I can't seem to find my sticky notes.
Found 'em.
You always pick out such beautiful colors.
I like lavender the best.
It's so vivid.
So, what's on your social calendar this evening? Practicing holding my breath.
In case of a chemical attack.
Oh, sounds fun.
Know what else is fun? Salsa dancing.
Lavender's a good color on you.
- True.
- Hey, favor? Not really my thing.
I need help finding a friend from high school Francis "Fern" Fernberger.
She's a ghost on social media.
Try Google.
I get a thousand pages for a veggie restaurant chain, Fernburgers.
So you want me to see if she's ordered anything from Cybermart? Ugh.
Fine, I'll do it.
But only because it's against company policy.
Found Your SoulMate! So how's the prowl? Oh, it is a dude buffet.
Outdoorsy guys, bankers, bikers, gamers, one guy who makes his own cheese.
You know, all these acronyms ISO, LTR, DTF which I figure is Downtown Friend Something like that.
Oh, found your Fernberger.
She is a Cybermart customer.
- Tell me everything.
- Um, it's totally confidential, so what do you want to know? What did what did she last order? Let's see.
Oh, 400 pounds of Hungry Whiskers Cat Food.
I knew it.
Crazy cat lady.
Her life is a cliché and it's all my fault.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
And by bathroom, I mean smoke a joint.
And If I accidentally keep your friend's info up, I can't prevent you from accidentally seeing it.
- Thank you.
- No problem.
I'm tellin' you, T-Cakes, Douglas is gettin' vibes.
Deirdre's majorly into us.
- Uh, Douglas? - My manhood.
It's a family name.
She knows when she whispers, it drives him loco.
She's playin' some sort of sadistic sex game with us.
It can't happen.
I mean, I'm her assistant.
And plus, I'm in a very serious relationship with my Internet girlfriend.
Who may not exist.
@WinnieCooper534 is real! And I've been catfished enough times to know.
This does not smell like catfish.
You know, maybe this whole Deirdre situation is a sign that you and, uh, "Winnie" need to upgrade your relationship to IRL.
- You're right.
It's time.
- Yeah.
Luckily, we have procedures - already in place.
- You okay? You're grabbing your back and Yeah, um it's Bianca.
- Mm.
Purple hair? - Purple hair.
Wrestling.
She's into something called "sex combat.
" Whoa no no, you need to be careful with that, T-Zone.
Sh-She punched me in the pe I didn't hear you.
Can you speak up? - Punched me in the - What? - She punched me in the penis! - She punched you in the penis? Shh Did it hurt? Yeah.
Was it, like, a straight did she jab it, or was it, like, a left hook, or It's har I was fast asleep.
- I just woke up in pain.
- Oh Anyway, that's why I'm filling out this TrueSoulMate app.
- Oh.
- Mm.
Instead of matching you with a bunch of randoms, it just finds "the one.
" For you.
All you got to do is upload a photo.
Just like that, I'm back on the market.
Ah.
And I got a hot date.
Oh! "Affirmative.
Meeting protocol engaged.
" Yeah! - That's hot.
- Yeah, that is hot.
- Super hot.
- Yeah, we're hot.
I'm standing outside Fern's place and you know what, I'm really starting to rethink this whole thing.
Why don't I just do something else on my list? There's so much.
Because we both need to confront our regrets while we still have the chance.
It's too much.
You know, once I see her, I'm gonna have to own the fact that I turned her into the type of person who has a Kitty Playground sign on her front door.
- Evie.
You can do this.
- I'm bailing.
Evie Covington?! Hey Fern.
What are you doing here? I just looked you up.
I wanted to say hi.
Hi.
Come here, let me have a look at you.
I mean still amazing as ever.
You too.
Do you live here? I work here.
Yeah, I-I started Best Pals Animal Sanctuary after grad school.
Oh.
It's so fulfilling.
Some days I wonder who is rescuing whom.
Anyway, it is so great to see you.
Come on in, let's catch up.
Best Pals started as a small shelter dedicated to neglected cats.
You probably saw the throwback Kitty Playground sign on the door.
Oh, I no, I didn't catch that, no.
Over the years, we've expanded our shelters to 15 countries.
We now rescue just about every kind of animal in need of love and nurturing and antibiotics.
Like Rosie.
Oh! Hi.
Her mom was rescued from a flood in Uruguay.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
I never swam so hard in my life.
Oh, well I I can't tell you how relieved I am to see what a success you are, Fern.
- Relieved? - Yeah that first day of sophomore year I always felt terrible about skipping out on our color guard cocaptain tryouts.
I'm so sorry.
Well, that was ages ago.
I know.
I've just been worried this whole time that I might've derailed your life in some way because of it.
Do I looked derailed? Gosh, no.
You look gorg.
All caps.
And you're doing everything that I ever dreamed of.
- What do you mean? - Well, I'd love to travel the world, give back in some meaningful way, so I've been trying to transfer into my company's cyber division, CyberHugs.
And there's an open spot they're going to fill by the end of the month and I think I have a good shot.
Found your soul mate! Oh.
Ugh.
Sorry, my friend signed me up for these dating apps.
- Holy - Shiatsu.
Look for an envelope with the word "Shiatsu.
" It's our code word.
Oh.
Found your soul mate! Oh, good lord.
Bingo.
Oh man, that's really Unbelievable.
This guy's my ex and that's my arm he chopped out of my own photo.
But you match.
Maybe that's a sign you guys are meant to be, after all.
No.
No, I mean there's always that part of you that has a hard time letting go of an ex, but I've moved on.
Oh, why do I have to reject him again? It's just salt in the wound.
Maybe you should wait for him to do it.
Yeah.
This is nice.
That we can just pick right up where we left off.
It is nice.
I just got the most fab idea.
If we have any positions open here wouldn't it be fun to make a difference, you know, together? Wow, that would be amazing.
Uh, but I'd you know, I'd have to think it through.
Great, let's get lunch tomorrow.
We'll noodle it over.
I'd love that, but I normally eat lunch in our cafeteria at work.
However, tomorrow is Tater Tot Tuesday, if you want to join.
I would love to.
Fun Fern Fact, Tater Tots are my fave.
I remember.
Okay, great, well, I will I'll see you tomorrow then.
She plays with puppies all day and, Fun Fern Fact, she's been to Uruguay and Cambodia and Estonia.
You know, I guess I didn't ruin her life after all.
Brilliant.
Then you can cross 17 off your list.
Uh come to think of it, Fern never actually accepted my apology.
I'm so sorry.
Well, that was ages ago.
Yeah, but you made the apology.
- That's what counts.
- No, but my number 17 was "Get Fern's forgiveness.
" I don't think I've done that yet.
Maybe she didn't think I was being sincere.
Tomorrow at lunch, I am gonna apologize so hard, Fern won't know what hit her.
Yeah, I like your style.
A sincerity tsunami.
How's the baseball hunt going? Eh, good news and bad news.
Okay, give me the good news.
- I found the baseball card.
- That was fast.
Actually, it wasn't that hard to track.
The serial number was a factorial prime.
Hot nerd alert.
Okay.
What is the bad news? - We can't steal that.
- It's already stolen, Evie.
We're just gonna return it to its rightful owner.
- Ow.
- You're on my foot.
I'm just trying to get my arm ow unpinned.
- Ow.
- Shh, shh, shh.
You okay? Here's the plan, all right? Once the museum closes, we're gonna slip out of here, we're gonna swap the Frank Thomas card for this one.
What? No, Frank Thomas is way better looking than Nolan Ryan.
Yeah, but Ryan's cards are more valuable.
Museum's getting it for a steal.
So, um how's-how's the whole, um ethical non-monogamy journey going? Good.
- Different, you know? - Mm.
You? Yours? Yeah, you know, I'm, um journeying.
- So, um - Yeah? What should we do until the museum closes? Busted.
You're not the first couple to go for a home run in that locker.
I'm gonna have to take you in.
No, come on, mate.
You don't want to do that.
I don't? Well, think of all the paperwork.
Well, there might be something we can work out.
Uh, all right, n-name it.
A kiss with tongue.
Kissing a law officer's on my list, so Okay, deal.
No, not-not you.
Him.
Oh.
Okay.
Okay? Mm.
Mm.
So do you want to hit any more bases or are we good? Great.
Um.
- Win-win.
- Boom! You have big balls for a lady.
Say again? You've been shopping around.
I just hung up with a Francis Fernberger.
Fern.
She informed me you're to have lunch today to discuss a job at Best Pals Animal Shelter.
Oh.
No.
Well, Fern's an old friend, so she mentioned a possible job, but in a, in a very theoretical way.
As you know, the CyberHugs position is still up for grabs.
Your name crossed my mind in a very theoretical way but now I am tempted to put the kibosh on it.
No, please, don't don't kibosh it.
Luckily for you, I found Fern delightful.
She's a remarkable woman.
Yeah, she can execute a Peggy Spin better than anyone I know.
It's a flag thing, just, never mind.
I, uh, would like to probe her brain for ways to improve our CyberHugs program.
I could be swayed to unkibosh my recommendation should you choose to set up a lunch for Fern and myself.
You you want to eat Tater Tots with us? Your attendance is optional.
I'm supposed to be here alone.
Get get back to your bench.
- I'm breaking protocol.
- Stop it.
I'm bored.
Oh, oh, oh! Go time.
What? She's, like, 90.
With polymer latex prosthetics, Winnie could look any age.
Bianca still hittin' you up? Yeah.
She wants to "chokeslam" me.
I'm starting to get worried about your sex wrestling, tea bag.
Yeah.
Me, too.
The Boston Crab isn't nearly as fun as it sounds.
Well, that doesn't sound fun at all.
Your soul mate is waiting.
Damn! You still haven't pulled the trigger on Evie? I just I just keep thinking that You know, maybe it's a sign that we should still be together.
Here's a sign.
Wake up and reject her before she rejects you.
Again.
All right.
I'm sorry.
Just tough love.
No.
No, I get it.
I get it.
Oh, hey, look, a food vendor.
Shall I order you the catfish? She's real.
Hey, um, yesterday in your office, I think there was some confusion.
I wasn't trying to get a new job, so when you called my boss, I mean, it kind of, uh, it kind of got me in hot water.
Evie, I feel terrible.
It was just a standard reference check.
I guess I got excited at the prospect of working with a friend.
I'm so sorry.
That's okay.
I totally forgive you.
And again, I want to reiterate how genuinely sorry I am about what happened back in high school.
Oh, is that Deirdre? Yeah.
It is.
This is unreal.
What brings the X-man to my Wesylum? Well, I came across something of yours.
Where did you find it, bro? Uh, in a case.
An old Color Me Badd CD case, probably yours.
Well, thank you for bringing it back, man.
Oh, that is absolutely my pleasure, man.
Um, well, this has been great catching up, but Hey, hey, hey, you know what's funny? Our cleaning lady growing up, Mrs.
Barnes, she got fired over this.
What? Yeah, we figured she was the one who took it, so my dad friggin' axed her.
Do you know what happened to her? Who knows? Relax, bro, it's, uh, it's not the end of the world.
Yeah pretend like it is.
Well, uh, she kept sending me birthday cards every year.
I could dig 'em up, see if there's a return address.
That would be great.
That would be beyond great.
And then, in ninth grade, Evie snarted in Brent Wellman's minivan after soccer practice.
Oh, wait, back up.
What's a snart? I've never laughed this hard sober.
Evie, why have you been keeping Fern from us all this time? Oh, you know, friends drift apart.
Yeah, Evie joined the volleyball team, so we both made new friends.
David oh, Michael.
Guys, can I eat? Fun Fern Fact, those lunches inspired me to start Best Pals Animal Sanctuary.
Because a bond with an animal is a bond for life.
That's like the saddest best story ever.
Animals, if properly neutered and cleaned, can have value.
We had a pet turkey named Pretzel when I was a child.
And he, of course, was slaughtered one year for Thanksgiving.
To this day, I can't bring myself to eat pretzels.
I can't eat pretzels either.
- It's a gluten thing.
- CyberHugs does not yet have an animal rescue branch, but it certainly should.
And I think someone with your experience should launch it.
Well, Fern has a lot on her plate with her own organization.
But if it were a consulting thing Terrific.
You can vet each animal charity to determine the ones most worthy of CyberHugs' donation.
No.
I mean, no way.
That's-that's so exciting.
Welcome aboard, Fern.
This is starting to get out of control.
That stupid baseball card didn't just affect my mate it ruined some poor cleaning lady's life as well.
And now I've got to go find out where she lives so I can apologize.
Ugh! This was supposed to be an easy one to cross off the list.
Heavy load, man.
How's, uh, number 1259 on the apocalyst comin' along? I am still trying to be Zen on that one.
But just the thought of Evie with other guys, it's just like a shiv twisting in my side.
Okay.
Time for a coffee metaphor.
Ever have Tanzania peaberry? Most people can't stomach it.
Too acidic.
But if you drink enough, the body adapts.
Or you get an ulcer.
Oh, wow.
I didn't know that could be pierced.
Uh, breeds box turtles? Is that a thumb or, uh in the environmental, health, and educational fields Nice of you to join us.
Sorry.
I didn't realize we had a meeting scheduled.
I e-mailed everyone last night.
Proceeds earmarked for the animal welfare branch will benefit outfits like Purrrfect Rescue.
- Okay, any questions? - Ooh! Um, Hank.
Is that the same organization that plays the Sarah McLachlan music? It isn't, Hank, but, Fun Fern Fact, I am helping them secure an Evanescence ballad.
All right, that's my spiel.
Um, but before you go, I just wanted to thank everyone for making me feel so welcome.
I've never had a job that felt so much like family.
H-Hey, uh, I-I never got your e-mail, Fern.
Hmm, that's strange.
Oh, I accidentally misspelled your name.
"Evil Covington.
" I'm so sorry.
That bitch has it out for me.
For crying out loud, Evie.
Are you trying to turn me into a snarter? Do you have a minute? It's-it's about Fern.
Oh.
She's tremendous.
I just put a call into corporate.
I don't think we're gonna have to fill that full-time CyberHugs position after all.
No, but that was supposed to be my position.
Frankly, your loyalty issues concern me.
You took an employment interview - elsewhere, - No, that wasn't skipped out on our animal launch meeting She never sent me the e-mail.
The animals don't want your excuses, Evie, and neither do I.
Fern won't accept my apology, she embarrassed me in front of my colleagues, and she stole my dream job.
You know, I think she has it out for me.
Babe, you sound more paranoid than Hank.
Fern's awesome.
Warm heart, beautiful soul What did she give you? Her company's box seats to the hockey game.
There's something about a man with missing teeth - Never mind.
- It was just a gift for setting her up on TrueSoulMate.
Speaking of which, how's the bone patrol going? Have you PNP'd any VGLs? Good-ish.
Did you know dogs can sniff out buried human remains better than any machine? Gnarliest barrel ever.
Dropped in, got sucked up, hit the lip.
It was like, baw! My doctor thinks it's allergies.
I'm allergic to mold.
A-And some pollens.
Greek salad.
Leg hair Lots of fascinating folks out there.
Your soul mate is still waiting.
Why won't he do it first? Enough with this game of TrueSoulMate chicken.
You already hit that, so let's quit that.
Soul mate rejected.
What's the damage, Golden-T? Oh.
You see that? That's your sign.
You need to quit waiting around like a chump.
- Oh, I'm no chump.
- You're damn right you're no chump.
You're a choke-slammin', face-bustin' piledriver.
- Hell yeah! Yeah? - Yeah! Quit wastin' time and get back in that ring.
Just like I'm doin' with Winnie.
She blew you off.
It's 'cause she's a man in the Ukraine.
No.
She knew we broke protocol.
I think she was that old woman with the oxygen tank.
But I got her to agree to another meet-up.
And I know she'll show up next time.
I know it.
So come on.
Okay.
Here I go again.
Hey.
We need to talk.
Everything okay? You wriggle into my life, steal my friends, steal my job.
And for what? To get even for something that happened in high school a decade ago? Well, Fun Evie Fact, I'm not gonna be bullied by you because I made an insensitive decision to join an after-school sport.
So you're right, it's on! It's so on I might spike this ball into your stupid little Fern face! Evie! What's all this? CyberHugs is donating athletic equipment to inner city schools.
"It's on" meant that Deirdre approved it.
So we're all pitching in.
I thought you knew.
Fern, I'm so sorry.
I promise - I'll-I'll - You'll what? Make it up to me? I think you could be our new spiker.
Tryouts.
Now.
I'm so sorry.
I promise I'll make it up to you.
You do hold a grudge.
I knew it.
Of course I do.
I spent three years eating lunch with pigeons.
- Fern, I - And when you showed up on my doorstep, it was the perfect opportunity to make you suffer for everything you did to me.
But then I met all these cool people you work with, and they accepted me.
I mean, this place is everything I always wanted in high school.
But I thought your colleagues should have a chance to see your true colors.
And now they have.
I'm truly sorry, for everything.
You keep saying that, but the truth is you never made it up to me.
Being sorry doesn't change a thing.
Hello, sir, um - My name is - 30 minutes late, you don't even have the pizza.
Honey! He forgot the pizza.
My wife? She gets a little hangry.
I-I don't have any pizza, Mr.
Barnes.
I'm here to talk to your wife about Barnes? You must be talking about Annette Barnes.
We bought the place from her two years back.
Do you have any idea where she is now? In conclusion, I just hope my behavior wasn't responsible in any way for your uh, current condition, Mrs.
Barnes.
Four words.
To sum up someone's whole life? Four words? Doesn't seem like it's enough.
You know what? Words aren't enough.
For this or for making amends.
I think we're going about our regrets all wrong.
I think we need to do something.
Hard at work.
Like a natural born CyberHugs Team Leader.
What's that? Spoke to corporate.
We decided you're ready for your next phase here at Cybermart.
I got it? Ooh! Yee! I find your excitement grating.
I Sorry.
Oh! - Thank you! - Don't thank me.
Corporate stipulated that I offer the position to a full-time Cybermart employee, any Cybermart employee, before going to an outside contractor.
So you wanted to hire Fern, but you can't? Not unless you turn down the offer.
Code word.
Shiatsu! You're real.
What's real? When we're all living in a giant video-game Programmed from another dimension Designed to wrap us in a - false sense of security! - False sense of security! Xavier Holliday? Yeah.
Did you fill out your mental health history? Um well I'm not actually, um here for for help.
I'm the person that's responsible for ruining your mother's life.
Well, to be honest, it was hard on us.
Mom was helping me with law school tuition, so I had to drop out.
This is what I'm talking about.
I want to make amends.
I can get you the money to finish law school.
I don't want your money, Xavier.
My mom got depressed after she was let go.
I helped her through that rough patch, and in the process, I realized law school wasn't my passion.
But I have an ear for other people's problems.
And now here I am.
Things often work out the way they should.
Do they? 'Cause here's the thing there's this girl.
And I want to be committed to her, but I can't tell her.
What's holding you back? Um I don't know.
She's having such fun with all these dating apps, and and it's my fault.
I've the one who told her to go buck wild.
Maybe she'd feel differently if she knew you wanted a commitment.
But, you know, I don't want her to feel stifled by my feelings.
That's not how ethical non-monogamy works.
You want to be ethical? Then tell her the truth about how you feel.
She might feel stifled or she might not.
At least she knows her options.
We're almost out of time.
It's true.
Our time is really precious.
I mean our session is ending.
Oh.
You called me out here to prove you can still fit in your uniform? For one, it's so tight I can't feel my arms.
Secondly, remember when we used to play kickball at recess? Every day in fourth grade.
If the ball bounced weird during your turn to kick, we'd call it Do-over.
That's what I want.
A do-over.
No, how can I trust you? You just want my job at CyberHugs.
I turned it down.
Told Deirdre this morning you're the most qualified person for the job.
Why would you do that? To make it up to you.
Finally.
And there's one more thing.
You kept it.
Flags up.
You got to be kidding me.
You know you want to.
Five, six, seven, eight! That's what you call Biscuits and Gravy, baby! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Oh, yeah! We're still really good.
So, what's your position on discount mattress pricing? The government controls it to fund cyberweapons programs.
Yucca Mountain? Underground repository for alien technology.
Are you sure we're not related? I know, right? - Yeah.
- But there is something I need to know.
What's your name? You can whisper it.
I mean, for confidentiality.
Don't worry I swept the immediate vicinity.
Yeah, you know, maybe you should still whisper it, you know, just to be safe.
Hmm.
How about the other ear? Huh.
Okay, how about both at once? I felt like I was kissing my brother.
Huh.
I think we should just be friends.
And battle buddies.
When foreign forces hit our shores.
Yeah! Yes! I broke up with my Internet girlfriend.
Oh.
Lavender sticky notes.
My favorite.
May I have this dance? Found your soul mate.
Cute.
Soul mate accepted! Oh, well, it's official.
I finally get to cross number 17 off my list.
That outfit makes me want to add, like, a dozen to mine.
Oh.
Well, how did it go with Violet Barnes? She's a very gifted therapist.
Oof.
Is that a euphemism? No.
She advised me to put all my cards on the table.
About? This whole ethical non-monogamy thing.
Honestly, I'm totally fine with it.
I don't want to do it anymore.
What? Look it was perfect for me.
For a really long time, but something's different now.
This is different.
I don't want every possible option.
I want you.
Wow.
So I just I just wanted you to know that, for whatever it's worth.
And you have every right to carry on journeying.
Nah.
I'm good.
- Hey.
- Yeah? - I've got something to show you.
- Mm-hmm? No, you didn't.
I certainly did.
- Shall we? - Oh, y