Nobodies (2017) s01e05 Episode Script
Not the Emmys
1 Ben had me read Mr.
First Lady.
I have to say I loved it! All: No way! You have to meet my producing partner, Howard Lang.
Whose Hugh, whose Larry, whose Rachel? My new work out buddy Howard Lang is going to be the producer of Mr.
First Lady.
He's extremely easy to talk to, zero pressure.
- He is actually a lovely person.
- This is incredible! - So, what did he say exactly? - Yeah, yeah? Oh boy! (Rachel) I'm so sad.
Howard sounded like such an amazing person.
Well, everyone sounds amazing at their funeral.
Well, you are an amazing person if all four members of Phish are playing live while your coffin's being lowered into the ground.
Melissa was crying a lot.
- Hey, guys.
- (Hugh) Hey.
Brutal, huh? Yeah.
- How's Melissa? - Not good.
She's taking all this really, really hard.
Hey, you don't think it was weird that she gave the eulogy via Skype, do you? No, she phoned it in.
I mean, she didn't phone it in, literally.
No, literally, she phoned it in.
Well, you know, if there's any good side of all this tragedy, it's, uh Melissa's finally gonna take a break.
Like a like a break from From everything.
Movies, TV.
She's just gonna step back, spend more time with our kids.
You know, just focus on what's important.
Wow, so so no more "Mr.
First Lady.
" Why would you say that? I'm not taking a break.
(British accent) Mr.
First Lady's ready for her close-up! Or, uh, his close-up.
His her Which one is it? Am I a man or a woman in this thing? A man.
Or would it be funnier if I was a woman? Maybe, but then maybe the premise is destroyed.
Oh that's kind of disappointing, right? Uh, have you had a chance to check out the rewrite? No but I will read it tonight, and I'll shoot you guys some little tweaks, give you an email or something.
(printer humming) Oh my God.
Did you guys get Ben's "little tweaks"? We're printing them up right now.
11 pages.
"What if, to keep the Australian theme going, instead of the first dog, they have a first kangaroo?" And then right here, he says, "I think you're hitting "the Australian theme too hard.
"I don't like when I say 'g'day.
' Watch the stereotyping, guys.
" When the hell are we supposed to do all this? We've been working late every night, and we're still massively behind on those dumb "Fartlemans" scripts.
(phone ringing) Hello? Hey, Allen.
Yes, they're both here.
Okay! (snickering) What's wrong with Allen? (Hugh) He is so mad.
He says he wants to see us in his office.
Is it because of our scripts? - 'Cause we didn't finish our scripts? - I don't know.
Hey, Allen.
Shut the door and have a seat.
Just talked to Connie.
You guys are in big trouble if you can't get your hands on some tuxedos.
Because "The Fartlemans" has been nominated for an Annie Award! An Emmy Award?! We're going to the Emmys? The Annies, heh.
What's that? It's the animation awards.
And it is a big deal.
They're gonna be televised this year.
Uh, live-streamed.
So not the Emmys? God, no.
(chuckling) That's big time.
(woman) Yeah, I'm really excited about the Emmys this year.
Last time I was nominated for an Emmy Last time.
I know, it sounded weird.
I know, as soon as I said it out loud.
Anyway, I got there too late, and they locked me out.
So I was standing outside of the door, next to Dr.
Phil.
What? Yeah, because it's live.
Did he make it better for you? Yeah, we had a long talk.
Oh! I saw on your wife's Facebook page that you guys are nominated this year.
- Yes.
- That is so great.
- Yes, for writing.
- Okay.
Well, let's all get together at an after-party.
Yes, uh, HBO.
That's a good one.
Go to the HBO party.
We're nominated for an Annie, not an Emmy.
Really? Wait, what's an Annie? (Rachel) It's like an Emmy, but it's for animation.
But, I mean, it's basically the same thing.
Do you guys have to dress up as characters from "Annie"? (laughter) Then if you lose, you go on stage, and you have to sing "The Sun'll Come Out Tomorrow.
" See, I would watch that! (laughter) That would be.
Maybe we could invite Dr.
Phil.
Uh, Jim, who's Kristen? Oh, Wiig, yeah.
She's doing the show tonight.
Why didn't anyone say that before? I didn't know she was doing the show tonight.
She was in town and available, so I threw her in.
All right, let's go up on the stage and warm up before they open the house.
Right! (Rachel) Yeah, do this thing.
(clears throat loudly) Um, hey, uh, guys, I'm gonna I'm gonna go.
I'm gonna get out of here.
- Why? - Why? I just don't wanna see Kristen.
- What? - What did you do? Do you remember my "Saturday Night Live," "American Idol" hybrid reality show idea? Terrible idea? Yeah.
I might have said that Kristin Wiig was attached to host.
Isn't that the same exact thing you did to Melissa? About that movie with Gavin? Uh that was me, I did that.
I would never do that.
This is the first time I'm doing that.
Just tell everyone that I have diarrhea or something, okay? Oh, you have diarrhea! That makes me happy.
- Hello, my friend.
- No.
Jim said you were in town.
I didn't know.
Yes, very short.
I literally just came in for the Emmys.
You guys are going, tell me.
- Yes, I am going.
- Oh, good.
No, we have to go to something called the Annies that night.
Does everyone show up with, like, big puffy red wigs? (laughs) Bald caps like, um Oh, what's his name? Mr.
Drummond? Daddy Warbucks.
I think it's Mr.
Drummond, actually.
- Pretty sure it's Daddy Warbucks.
- No, it's Mr.
Drummond.
Let it be Mr.
Drummond.
Um, maybe afterwards, the three of us not you can meet up, - like post-Emmy party? - Yes.
And we can go eat after? Not you.
Cool? Yeah, let's do all that, yes.
- Can we talk in private for just second? - No.
No.
Not for any second.
I just think it would be a good time for us to finally bury the hatchet.
Is that your idea of an apology? Larry, what you did was super messed up.
You went around town pitching this reality show idea with me as the host.
You never even talked to me about it.
I was pitching you as the Heidi Klum part, which is a huge compliment for you.
(gasps) (sighs) Larry, okay.
Truthfully, um I was upset mostly because I'm about to pitch a reality show myself.
- Oh! - Yeah.
That's great.
What is it? It's about buttholes.
And I imagine the host could look like a butthole, you know, have like a butthole face.
But I've been having such a hard time.
You know how casting is, it's so hard to find these people, but I had a great idea.
I thought of you.
Larry Dorf! You'd be the perfect host for my butthole show.
And at the end, there's actually a twist, because out of all the butthole contestants, the host actually wins.
(laughs) Which means that you, Larry, would now officially be the world's greatest, stinkiest mostly loose, dreadlocked dusty, slightly open butthole.
All right, who's ready to do some comedy? - Me! - Let's go! Now, would you mind being the stage player? I would, I'd mind it so much.
We have so many starts walking the Emmy's red carpet.
We have the cast of "Stranger Things", those little guys are always so much fun, lots of attitude.
(knocking) So, better believe we're gonna talk to them.
Also, Tracee Ellis Ross, I see her in the background right now Whoa, you look beautiful! Heavens! "Heavens," I like that.
My strap keeps slipping though, so you have to - let me know if they make an appearance.
- Uh-huh.
I will, I'll I'll keep my eye on them.
You look very dapper.
Oh, well I'm wearing a tuxedo.
(dogs barking) - Oh my! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! You're coming inside, huh? All right, guys, come on, settle down.
- Sorry, these are not my dogs.
- Um Get off of him, get settle down.
Sorry, very aggressive around women who are on their cycle.
Go limp.
Just go limp, act dead.
What time are we leaving? Uh, the limo's gonna be here in half an hour.
Pat's coming? Well, our tickets have a plus-one.
Right, but I didn't bring anybody.
Well, Larry's gonna bring Jen, and then I I was worried that you would think I was assuming that we were, like, on a double date or something.
- Oh.
- So, then I thought invite Pat.
Oh, no, it's it's better.
Would you have liked that? Oh, are these my fellow nominees? Ah, look! Heavens, what a handsome couple.
Well, the Dorfs went to the outlets.
So, we're just gonna stand here like a bunch of dummies? Well, I'm admiring your half-priced outfit.
Whoa! Oh, God! Damn it.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Down from there.
Down from there.
There you go, there you go.
- (phone chiming) - It's Allen.
Oh, don't answer it, don't answer it.
He called me like three times.
Yeah, he called me at 8:30 in the morning.
I think he wants to go to the Annies with us.
Well, now I feel bad.
We'll just keep it small, exclusive.
- Just the important people.
- Mm-hmm.
To the important people! Oh, look, it's Michaela! (woman on TV) Michaela Watkins, you look gorgeous! - Oh, well, thank you.
- Oh, my goodness! Okay, so you are nominated and you're presenting tonight.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay, so who all is here from the Groundlings? Literally everyone, yeah, it's like a reunion.
- Okay.
- Will Forte, Will Ferrell.
Lisa Kudrow, Kristen Wiig, Ben Falcone, Melissa McCarthy, - (speaking gibberish) - That's great! We have so many Groundlings.
Yeah, they're all here! Every single Groundling is here.
- That's a lot of Groundlings.
- Yeah, no, it's cool.
I wanna give a shoutout to our friends Hugh Davidson, Rachel Ramras, Larry Dorf.
Go get 'em, guys! Those guys are at the at the Annies, so.
Oh! What are the Annies? This is stupid.
Getting a limo for the Annies? I mean, it's not the Emmys.
Enough with the Emmys! Personally, I'm having such a fun time, you guys.
I can't remember the last time I was in a limo.
Oh, wait.
I remember.
- No, no, no.
- Yes.
- (groans) - Yes, it was the night of our engagement party.
No, it was the night we got engaged.
- Oh, yeah.
- But you don't need to Larry got us a limo.
Because I'm an extremely classy person.
But this is not the time.
It was so romantic! I can't believe I'm telling this story.
I cannot it must be the tequila talking.
It should be absolutely nobody talking because it's a terrible story.
Anyway, I whispered in Larry's ear that we should have sex in the limo because it has always been our fantasy.
No one wants to hear other people's fantasies.
And we put up the dividing window because we were making out, and then, Larry just Um And this is exactly why I didn't want you to tell this story.
I, um ejaculated prematurely, very, very quickly, unbelievably quickly.
- It was a mess.
- Oh! So, not a good story.
But long story short, we got married.
And it has been the happiest 11 years of my life.
- Well, I agree too.
- Mwah.
I can't believe you two have never dated.
Wouldn't they be good together? Oh, my God, that'd be the weirdest thing in the world.
We all work together.
That would just be inviting trouble.
That ew, that'd be weird.
Pat? What did you do today? Let's see.
About 11, 11:30 or so, I heard this really strange sound coming from the neighbor's place.
It was this very faint "help, help.
" So, I went over there to check on him 'cause I know he lives alone, 'cause last year, his wife was murdered.
I get in there, and he's all naked in the bathtub.
I guess he fell.
And it was very hard to find the appropriate grip on him.
But somehow, I got him out of that tub.
And now I'm going to the Emmys.
We're going to the Annies.
Oh.
What are the Annies? Well, not exactly a red carpet affair.
I guarantee you Burt Lancaster is walking on a red carpet right now at the Emmys.
Well, let's hope not, since Burt Lancaster has to have been dead for, like, 20 years.
Now, here's my question.
If we win, who's as us goes up and gives the speech? I vote not you, since you're drunk and already slurring.
(Rachel giggling) (Larry) Where's everyone with tuxedos? - Is this not even the place? - (Pat) Aw, man, if I'm overdressed at this thing, I'm gonna be pissed off.
(Hugh) Probably behind one of these ugly buildings.
It's 8:07? It already started! Oh, uh, excuse me.
We're looking for Morrison Hall.
Do you know where that is? - It's locked! - (Larry) Of course it's locked.
The thing started 30 minutes ago.
- (scoffs) - I wonder if there's another door we can get in.
Well, you know, typically there is no late seating at these type of events anyway.
Do you have tape on your shoes? It's actually an interesting story.
Oh, my God, no.
Let's just go home.
Wait, guys! This is amazing! We're award nominees! Do you have any idea how luscious that is? I mean, take a breath and appreciate where you are at.
You have made it.
And I'm gonna figure out how I can get in this place.
Hey! We got a sitter, damn it! Oh, my God! The Annies were at 8:00 a.
m.
, not p.
m.
! Who has an award show in the morning? Are you kidding me? This stupid thing was in the morning so that kids can watch it! Oh, my God, I guess we should go home.
No, we're all dressed up, we're drunk.
You're the only one who's drunk.
Why not the Emmy parties? Everyone at Groundlings said we should go to the Emmy parties! Yes, we should! Larry, we got a sitter.
I'm gonna text 'em.
Really? Maybe this is good.
Salvage the night.
There's gonna be famous people there.
We could network, maybe find a new female lead for "Mr.
First Lady".
Oh, they're at the HBO party and they said we should come! Great.
Let's just begin the seven-mile journey back to wherever that limousine drop-off, pick-up area was.
Hello.
- Oh, excuse me.
- Oh, of course.
You want my ID, 'cause I don't look 21.
I'm sorry, you're not on the list.
Have a good night.
Wait, can you try Hugh Davidson or Larry Dorf? Uh, no and nope.
Those nitwits didn't put us on the list.
You guys, this a great night, this is wonderful.
- (phone chiming) - Oh, oh, it's the babysitter.
- What? - But yeah.
She's not texting back.
You just texted her.
Wait a second.
This is crazy, we're supposed to be in there.
I'm sorry, our friends are in there.
Look, ma'am, you need to be on this list, and you're not, so step away from my rope.
Do you have any idea who our friends are? (Hugh) Okay, all right, all right, all right.
HBO sucks, by the way.
No one watches HBO! All right, no more alcohol for you maybe, huh? Elliot ate a bunch of baking powder.
Oh, my God, is that poisonous? No, he's fine, but he's got diarrhea and he won't let Tiffany wipe him, so I'm gonna go home.
- Well, I'll go with you.
- No, honey, stay.
Network, have fun.
You deserve it.
Well, you take the limo.
Is that okay? - Yeah, yeah.
- All right, let me walk you to the limo.
- Bob Odenkirk.
- Hi.
Pat? Pat, what Good to see you, pal.
If I knew you were coming here, I wouldn't have asked you to watch my dogs.
Oh, they're doing good.
I left them with a bully stick to share on my bed.
They're doing great.
You know, tonight I'm just here with my friends.
- Hi.
- I'm a big fan.
I loved you in in the, uh, "The Ben Stiller Show".
I was gonna help you there, but that was 1993, by the way.
A little bit of ancient trivia.
Have you done anything since then? Are you still in the business? Oh, you know, trivia.
I was nominated for Best Lead Actor In a Drama tonight.
So, you're doing serious stuff now.
That's great, that's smart, comedy's tough.
Drama's easier, that's what they say.
They did a test, actually.
Takes half as much energy.
Cool.
I'm hungry.
Are you hungry? - I am starving, yeah.
- Good, let's go.
- Me and him.
- You know, I should Bob.
Can these guys come? You know what? I'm not paying, so let's go.
And you guys wanna dance? 'Cause I'm dancing.
All right, let's hit it.
(reporters shouting, camera shutters clicking) All right, hello.
And yeah, okay, Pat.
- All right, yeah.
- You get in.
That's good.
All right, good deal.
Thanks, everyone.
(one camera shutter clicking) Really? (music playing) (Larry) This is crazy! Where's Bob and Pat? You think Ben and Melissa are here? How are we gonna find anyone in this place? Oh, check your phone, see if anyone texted you.
Ow! Kristen and Rash are at the Amazon party.
Oh, that's great.
Should we try and get in there? I bet I could get us in, I have Amazon Prime.
Oh, maybe they can ship us there.
Why don't we get a drink, and then we'll figure it out? (Rachel vocalizing) Ooh! - Cheers.
- (glasses clinking) Cheers to the Emmys! Whoo! Do you want that? - No.
- (laughing) Mm-mm, whoo! My God! I love this song! Hold this.
Yes, I'm gonna go find Odenkirk and dance.
Whoo! Coming through, Emmy people, whoo! (laughing) She's gonna go home with someone tonight.
Maybe a celebrity.
That'd be good for us.
Oh, my God! (shrieking) You go up, up, down, down Get all around, baby uh-huh Whoo! Whoo.
Are you guys all HBO people? Is that the channel that you guys work at? That's my favorite channel.
I love HBO! But I I work in television and movies.
I do all that too, so we're like the same.
What what's your name? - Dick.
- (laughs) You wanna know the name of the movie I wrote, Dick? Sweetheart, your dress, uh, is falling "Sweetheart," ooh! I wrote a movie called "Mr.
First President", and it's about the president and the vice president, but the vice president is not a girl, like usual.
The vice president is a boy.
Do you guys think that's funny? We're trying to sell it - and it's good for - Oh, my God, uh Oh, they wrote the movie with me! This is Larry and Hugh.
(Larry) I'm gonna I'm gonna get an Uber.
- Thank you, we're so sorry.
- No, I'm networking - with Dick and HBO.
- I know, I know.
How good is HBO though? Hugh! (grunts) Whoa, Rachel.
Rachel.
Rachel! Not right now.
- Rachel, Rachel.
- I'm sorry, excuse me.
Hi, "Girls Gone Wild".
I'm gonna have to ask you both to leave.
Is that what you're gonna have to ask me to do? Bitch! (laughs) Oh (vomiting) (Hugh) Oh! Oh! Oh there, there.
Usually after a pitch, I'm the one that pukes.
(man coughing) Well, we made it, guys.
Not in Hollywood, but to Taylor's Texas Barbecue.
Oh, my God, I haven't thrown up since I was pregnant.
Keep drinking water.
Huge? Huge.
Hugie.
Hugie.
Thanks.
(muttering) Hugie.
(phone chiming) Hey, Allen.
How does Pat know Bob Odenkirk? How does Pat know anyone? Well, uh we assumed the the show started at 8:00 at night, 'cause we're normal people.
You didn't want a pulled pork sandwich? Are you kidding me? (Hugh) Wow, that's great.
I will.
They never give you enough napkins.
We won an Annie Award.
What? - Wow! - (Hugh) Uh-huh.
(chuckling) Um So, I guess we are winners.
- Uh-huh.
- Award winners.
Huh! To being winners.
- Cheers! - To being winners.
Oh, my God.
Oh, God! - It's the end of the world! - Oh, don't look.
- Oh! Oh! - We're all gonna die.
- End of the world! - Is he peeing? - Yeah.
- We're all gonna die.
- The end of the world! - Okay.
We're all gonna die! It's the end.
We're all gonna die.
Um, should we just toast to something else? The end of the world and we're all gonna die? (chuckles) The end of the world and we're all gonna die.
First Lady.
I have to say I loved it! All: No way! You have to meet my producing partner, Howard Lang.
Whose Hugh, whose Larry, whose Rachel? My new work out buddy Howard Lang is going to be the producer of Mr.
First Lady.
He's extremely easy to talk to, zero pressure.
- He is actually a lovely person.
- This is incredible! - So, what did he say exactly? - Yeah, yeah? Oh boy! (Rachel) I'm so sad.
Howard sounded like such an amazing person.
Well, everyone sounds amazing at their funeral.
Well, you are an amazing person if all four members of Phish are playing live while your coffin's being lowered into the ground.
Melissa was crying a lot.
- Hey, guys.
- (Hugh) Hey.
Brutal, huh? Yeah.
- How's Melissa? - Not good.
She's taking all this really, really hard.
Hey, you don't think it was weird that she gave the eulogy via Skype, do you? No, she phoned it in.
I mean, she didn't phone it in, literally.
No, literally, she phoned it in.
Well, you know, if there's any good side of all this tragedy, it's, uh Melissa's finally gonna take a break.
Like a like a break from From everything.
Movies, TV.
She's just gonna step back, spend more time with our kids.
You know, just focus on what's important.
Wow, so so no more "Mr.
First Lady.
" Why would you say that? I'm not taking a break.
(British accent) Mr.
First Lady's ready for her close-up! Or, uh, his close-up.
His her Which one is it? Am I a man or a woman in this thing? A man.
Or would it be funnier if I was a woman? Maybe, but then maybe the premise is destroyed.
Oh that's kind of disappointing, right? Uh, have you had a chance to check out the rewrite? No but I will read it tonight, and I'll shoot you guys some little tweaks, give you an email or something.
(printer humming) Oh my God.
Did you guys get Ben's "little tweaks"? We're printing them up right now.
11 pages.
"What if, to keep the Australian theme going, instead of the first dog, they have a first kangaroo?" And then right here, he says, "I think you're hitting "the Australian theme too hard.
"I don't like when I say 'g'day.
' Watch the stereotyping, guys.
" When the hell are we supposed to do all this? We've been working late every night, and we're still massively behind on those dumb "Fartlemans" scripts.
(phone ringing) Hello? Hey, Allen.
Yes, they're both here.
Okay! (snickering) What's wrong with Allen? (Hugh) He is so mad.
He says he wants to see us in his office.
Is it because of our scripts? - 'Cause we didn't finish our scripts? - I don't know.
Hey, Allen.
Shut the door and have a seat.
Just talked to Connie.
You guys are in big trouble if you can't get your hands on some tuxedos.
Because "The Fartlemans" has been nominated for an Annie Award! An Emmy Award?! We're going to the Emmys? The Annies, heh.
What's that? It's the animation awards.
And it is a big deal.
They're gonna be televised this year.
Uh, live-streamed.
So not the Emmys? God, no.
(chuckling) That's big time.
(woman) Yeah, I'm really excited about the Emmys this year.
Last time I was nominated for an Emmy Last time.
I know, it sounded weird.
I know, as soon as I said it out loud.
Anyway, I got there too late, and they locked me out.
So I was standing outside of the door, next to Dr.
Phil.
What? Yeah, because it's live.
Did he make it better for you? Yeah, we had a long talk.
Oh! I saw on your wife's Facebook page that you guys are nominated this year.
- Yes.
- That is so great.
- Yes, for writing.
- Okay.
Well, let's all get together at an after-party.
Yes, uh, HBO.
That's a good one.
Go to the HBO party.
We're nominated for an Annie, not an Emmy.
Really? Wait, what's an Annie? (Rachel) It's like an Emmy, but it's for animation.
But, I mean, it's basically the same thing.
Do you guys have to dress up as characters from "Annie"? (laughter) Then if you lose, you go on stage, and you have to sing "The Sun'll Come Out Tomorrow.
" See, I would watch that! (laughter) That would be.
Maybe we could invite Dr.
Phil.
Uh, Jim, who's Kristen? Oh, Wiig, yeah.
She's doing the show tonight.
Why didn't anyone say that before? I didn't know she was doing the show tonight.
She was in town and available, so I threw her in.
All right, let's go up on the stage and warm up before they open the house.
Right! (Rachel) Yeah, do this thing.
(clears throat loudly) Um, hey, uh, guys, I'm gonna I'm gonna go.
I'm gonna get out of here.
- Why? - Why? I just don't wanna see Kristen.
- What? - What did you do? Do you remember my "Saturday Night Live," "American Idol" hybrid reality show idea? Terrible idea? Yeah.
I might have said that Kristin Wiig was attached to host.
Isn't that the same exact thing you did to Melissa? About that movie with Gavin? Uh that was me, I did that.
I would never do that.
This is the first time I'm doing that.
Just tell everyone that I have diarrhea or something, okay? Oh, you have diarrhea! That makes me happy.
- Hello, my friend.
- No.
Jim said you were in town.
I didn't know.
Yes, very short.
I literally just came in for the Emmys.
You guys are going, tell me.
- Yes, I am going.
- Oh, good.
No, we have to go to something called the Annies that night.
Does everyone show up with, like, big puffy red wigs? (laughs) Bald caps like, um Oh, what's his name? Mr.
Drummond? Daddy Warbucks.
I think it's Mr.
Drummond, actually.
- Pretty sure it's Daddy Warbucks.
- No, it's Mr.
Drummond.
Let it be Mr.
Drummond.
Um, maybe afterwards, the three of us not you can meet up, - like post-Emmy party? - Yes.
And we can go eat after? Not you.
Cool? Yeah, let's do all that, yes.
- Can we talk in private for just second? - No.
No.
Not for any second.
I just think it would be a good time for us to finally bury the hatchet.
Is that your idea of an apology? Larry, what you did was super messed up.
You went around town pitching this reality show idea with me as the host.
You never even talked to me about it.
I was pitching you as the Heidi Klum part, which is a huge compliment for you.
(gasps) (sighs) Larry, okay.
Truthfully, um I was upset mostly because I'm about to pitch a reality show myself.
- Oh! - Yeah.
That's great.
What is it? It's about buttholes.
And I imagine the host could look like a butthole, you know, have like a butthole face.
But I've been having such a hard time.
You know how casting is, it's so hard to find these people, but I had a great idea.
I thought of you.
Larry Dorf! You'd be the perfect host for my butthole show.
And at the end, there's actually a twist, because out of all the butthole contestants, the host actually wins.
(laughs) Which means that you, Larry, would now officially be the world's greatest, stinkiest mostly loose, dreadlocked dusty, slightly open butthole.
All right, who's ready to do some comedy? - Me! - Let's go! Now, would you mind being the stage player? I would, I'd mind it so much.
We have so many starts walking the Emmy's red carpet.
We have the cast of "Stranger Things", those little guys are always so much fun, lots of attitude.
(knocking) So, better believe we're gonna talk to them.
Also, Tracee Ellis Ross, I see her in the background right now Whoa, you look beautiful! Heavens! "Heavens," I like that.
My strap keeps slipping though, so you have to - let me know if they make an appearance.
- Uh-huh.
I will, I'll I'll keep my eye on them.
You look very dapper.
Oh, well I'm wearing a tuxedo.
(dogs barking) - Oh my! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! You're coming inside, huh? All right, guys, come on, settle down.
- Sorry, these are not my dogs.
- Um Get off of him, get settle down.
Sorry, very aggressive around women who are on their cycle.
Go limp.
Just go limp, act dead.
What time are we leaving? Uh, the limo's gonna be here in half an hour.
Pat's coming? Well, our tickets have a plus-one.
Right, but I didn't bring anybody.
Well, Larry's gonna bring Jen, and then I I was worried that you would think I was assuming that we were, like, on a double date or something.
- Oh.
- So, then I thought invite Pat.
Oh, no, it's it's better.
Would you have liked that? Oh, are these my fellow nominees? Ah, look! Heavens, what a handsome couple.
Well, the Dorfs went to the outlets.
So, we're just gonna stand here like a bunch of dummies? Well, I'm admiring your half-priced outfit.
Whoa! Oh, God! Damn it.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Down from there.
Down from there.
There you go, there you go.
- (phone chiming) - It's Allen.
Oh, don't answer it, don't answer it.
He called me like three times.
Yeah, he called me at 8:30 in the morning.
I think he wants to go to the Annies with us.
Well, now I feel bad.
We'll just keep it small, exclusive.
- Just the important people.
- Mm-hmm.
To the important people! Oh, look, it's Michaela! (woman on TV) Michaela Watkins, you look gorgeous! - Oh, well, thank you.
- Oh, my goodness! Okay, so you are nominated and you're presenting tonight.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay, so who all is here from the Groundlings? Literally everyone, yeah, it's like a reunion.
- Okay.
- Will Forte, Will Ferrell.
Lisa Kudrow, Kristen Wiig, Ben Falcone, Melissa McCarthy, - (speaking gibberish) - That's great! We have so many Groundlings.
Yeah, they're all here! Every single Groundling is here.
- That's a lot of Groundlings.
- Yeah, no, it's cool.
I wanna give a shoutout to our friends Hugh Davidson, Rachel Ramras, Larry Dorf.
Go get 'em, guys! Those guys are at the at the Annies, so.
Oh! What are the Annies? This is stupid.
Getting a limo for the Annies? I mean, it's not the Emmys.
Enough with the Emmys! Personally, I'm having such a fun time, you guys.
I can't remember the last time I was in a limo.
Oh, wait.
I remember.
- No, no, no.
- Yes.
- (groans) - Yes, it was the night of our engagement party.
No, it was the night we got engaged.
- Oh, yeah.
- But you don't need to Larry got us a limo.
Because I'm an extremely classy person.
But this is not the time.
It was so romantic! I can't believe I'm telling this story.
I cannot it must be the tequila talking.
It should be absolutely nobody talking because it's a terrible story.
Anyway, I whispered in Larry's ear that we should have sex in the limo because it has always been our fantasy.
No one wants to hear other people's fantasies.
And we put up the dividing window because we were making out, and then, Larry just Um And this is exactly why I didn't want you to tell this story.
I, um ejaculated prematurely, very, very quickly, unbelievably quickly.
- It was a mess.
- Oh! So, not a good story.
But long story short, we got married.
And it has been the happiest 11 years of my life.
- Well, I agree too.
- Mwah.
I can't believe you two have never dated.
Wouldn't they be good together? Oh, my God, that'd be the weirdest thing in the world.
We all work together.
That would just be inviting trouble.
That ew, that'd be weird.
Pat? What did you do today? Let's see.
About 11, 11:30 or so, I heard this really strange sound coming from the neighbor's place.
It was this very faint "help, help.
" So, I went over there to check on him 'cause I know he lives alone, 'cause last year, his wife was murdered.
I get in there, and he's all naked in the bathtub.
I guess he fell.
And it was very hard to find the appropriate grip on him.
But somehow, I got him out of that tub.
And now I'm going to the Emmys.
We're going to the Annies.
Oh.
What are the Annies? Well, not exactly a red carpet affair.
I guarantee you Burt Lancaster is walking on a red carpet right now at the Emmys.
Well, let's hope not, since Burt Lancaster has to have been dead for, like, 20 years.
Now, here's my question.
If we win, who's as us goes up and gives the speech? I vote not you, since you're drunk and already slurring.
(Rachel giggling) (Larry) Where's everyone with tuxedos? - Is this not even the place? - (Pat) Aw, man, if I'm overdressed at this thing, I'm gonna be pissed off.
(Hugh) Probably behind one of these ugly buildings.
It's 8:07? It already started! Oh, uh, excuse me.
We're looking for Morrison Hall.
Do you know where that is? - It's locked! - (Larry) Of course it's locked.
The thing started 30 minutes ago.
- (scoffs) - I wonder if there's another door we can get in.
Well, you know, typically there is no late seating at these type of events anyway.
Do you have tape on your shoes? It's actually an interesting story.
Oh, my God, no.
Let's just go home.
Wait, guys! This is amazing! We're award nominees! Do you have any idea how luscious that is? I mean, take a breath and appreciate where you are at.
You have made it.
And I'm gonna figure out how I can get in this place.
Hey! We got a sitter, damn it! Oh, my God! The Annies were at 8:00 a.
m.
, not p.
m.
! Who has an award show in the morning? Are you kidding me? This stupid thing was in the morning so that kids can watch it! Oh, my God, I guess we should go home.
No, we're all dressed up, we're drunk.
You're the only one who's drunk.
Why not the Emmy parties? Everyone at Groundlings said we should go to the Emmy parties! Yes, we should! Larry, we got a sitter.
I'm gonna text 'em.
Really? Maybe this is good.
Salvage the night.
There's gonna be famous people there.
We could network, maybe find a new female lead for "Mr.
First Lady".
Oh, they're at the HBO party and they said we should come! Great.
Let's just begin the seven-mile journey back to wherever that limousine drop-off, pick-up area was.
Hello.
- Oh, excuse me.
- Oh, of course.
You want my ID, 'cause I don't look 21.
I'm sorry, you're not on the list.
Have a good night.
Wait, can you try Hugh Davidson or Larry Dorf? Uh, no and nope.
Those nitwits didn't put us on the list.
You guys, this a great night, this is wonderful.
- (phone chiming) - Oh, oh, it's the babysitter.
- What? - But yeah.
She's not texting back.
You just texted her.
Wait a second.
This is crazy, we're supposed to be in there.
I'm sorry, our friends are in there.
Look, ma'am, you need to be on this list, and you're not, so step away from my rope.
Do you have any idea who our friends are? (Hugh) Okay, all right, all right, all right.
HBO sucks, by the way.
No one watches HBO! All right, no more alcohol for you maybe, huh? Elliot ate a bunch of baking powder.
Oh, my God, is that poisonous? No, he's fine, but he's got diarrhea and he won't let Tiffany wipe him, so I'm gonna go home.
- Well, I'll go with you.
- No, honey, stay.
Network, have fun.
You deserve it.
Well, you take the limo.
Is that okay? - Yeah, yeah.
- All right, let me walk you to the limo.
- Bob Odenkirk.
- Hi.
Pat? Pat, what Good to see you, pal.
If I knew you were coming here, I wouldn't have asked you to watch my dogs.
Oh, they're doing good.
I left them with a bully stick to share on my bed.
They're doing great.
You know, tonight I'm just here with my friends.
- Hi.
- I'm a big fan.
I loved you in in the, uh, "The Ben Stiller Show".
I was gonna help you there, but that was 1993, by the way.
A little bit of ancient trivia.
Have you done anything since then? Are you still in the business? Oh, you know, trivia.
I was nominated for Best Lead Actor In a Drama tonight.
So, you're doing serious stuff now.
That's great, that's smart, comedy's tough.
Drama's easier, that's what they say.
They did a test, actually.
Takes half as much energy.
Cool.
I'm hungry.
Are you hungry? - I am starving, yeah.
- Good, let's go.
- Me and him.
- You know, I should Bob.
Can these guys come? You know what? I'm not paying, so let's go.
And you guys wanna dance? 'Cause I'm dancing.
All right, let's hit it.
(reporters shouting, camera shutters clicking) All right, hello.
And yeah, okay, Pat.
- All right, yeah.
- You get in.
That's good.
All right, good deal.
Thanks, everyone.
(one camera shutter clicking) Really? (music playing) (Larry) This is crazy! Where's Bob and Pat? You think Ben and Melissa are here? How are we gonna find anyone in this place? Oh, check your phone, see if anyone texted you.
Ow! Kristen and Rash are at the Amazon party.
Oh, that's great.
Should we try and get in there? I bet I could get us in, I have Amazon Prime.
Oh, maybe they can ship us there.
Why don't we get a drink, and then we'll figure it out? (Rachel vocalizing) Ooh! - Cheers.
- (glasses clinking) Cheers to the Emmys! Whoo! Do you want that? - No.
- (laughing) Mm-mm, whoo! My God! I love this song! Hold this.
Yes, I'm gonna go find Odenkirk and dance.
Whoo! Coming through, Emmy people, whoo! (laughing) She's gonna go home with someone tonight.
Maybe a celebrity.
That'd be good for us.
Oh, my God! (shrieking) You go up, up, down, down Get all around, baby uh-huh Whoo! Whoo.
Are you guys all HBO people? Is that the channel that you guys work at? That's my favorite channel.
I love HBO! But I I work in television and movies.
I do all that too, so we're like the same.
What what's your name? - Dick.
- (laughs) You wanna know the name of the movie I wrote, Dick? Sweetheart, your dress, uh, is falling "Sweetheart," ooh! I wrote a movie called "Mr.
First President", and it's about the president and the vice president, but the vice president is not a girl, like usual.
The vice president is a boy.
Do you guys think that's funny? We're trying to sell it - and it's good for - Oh, my God, uh Oh, they wrote the movie with me! This is Larry and Hugh.
(Larry) I'm gonna I'm gonna get an Uber.
- Thank you, we're so sorry.
- No, I'm networking - with Dick and HBO.
- I know, I know.
How good is HBO though? Hugh! (grunts) Whoa, Rachel.
Rachel.
Rachel! Not right now.
- Rachel, Rachel.
- I'm sorry, excuse me.
Hi, "Girls Gone Wild".
I'm gonna have to ask you both to leave.
Is that what you're gonna have to ask me to do? Bitch! (laughs) Oh (vomiting) (Hugh) Oh! Oh! Oh there, there.
Usually after a pitch, I'm the one that pukes.
(man coughing) Well, we made it, guys.
Not in Hollywood, but to Taylor's Texas Barbecue.
Oh, my God, I haven't thrown up since I was pregnant.
Keep drinking water.
Huge? Huge.
Hugie.
Hugie.
Thanks.
(muttering) Hugie.
(phone chiming) Hey, Allen.
How does Pat know Bob Odenkirk? How does Pat know anyone? Well, uh we assumed the the show started at 8:00 at night, 'cause we're normal people.
You didn't want a pulled pork sandwich? Are you kidding me? (Hugh) Wow, that's great.
I will.
They never give you enough napkins.
We won an Annie Award.
What? - Wow! - (Hugh) Uh-huh.
(chuckling) Um So, I guess we are winners.
- Uh-huh.
- Award winners.
Huh! To being winners.
- Cheers! - To being winners.
Oh, my God.
Oh, God! - It's the end of the world! - Oh, don't look.
- Oh! Oh! - We're all gonna die.
- End of the world! - Is he peeing? - Yeah.
- We're all gonna die.
- The end of the world! - Okay.
We're all gonna die! It's the end.
We're all gonna die.
Um, should we just toast to something else? The end of the world and we're all gonna die? (chuckles) The end of the world and we're all gonna die.