Nobody Wants This (2024) s01e05 Episode Script

1
[upbeat music playing]
You don't need a lover ♪
Wanna see and I understand
You're waiting on ♪
Shorty, you've taken my heart ♪
- You don't wanna have the blackberry?
- I counted this evenly.
Equally?
- Equally. Same number of berries.
- Can you share with me?
♪so long ♪
- Have a little blueberry.
- Thank you.
That's it? I'll take it.
Shorty, will you take my love? ♪
I don't wanna break your heart ♪
Shorty, will you take ♪
- No, no, no.
- No, I gotta go.
[Joanne] Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
Isn't it hard enough? ♪
[cell phone buzzes]
Shorty, will you take my ♪
[Joanne] I don't think I've left this bed
since last Tuesday.
[Noah] Mm-mm.
I'm not complaining, but I am excited
to get away this weekend.
Me too. All right.
We can swap this bed
for a similar or same-size bed.
Yes. Did you call the hotel to make sure
there would be two bathrobes in the room?
- I did.
- Sometimes, they only put one.
I wanna match with you
on our first time away together.
I know. You've mentioned several times
how important it is to you.
- There will be two.
- Thank you.
[cell phone buzzes]
[Noah clears throat]
[Noah] Rabbi Cohen, hello.
Absolutely. I would love
to cover for you this weekend.
Yes. It would be a pleasure.
Thank you. Thank you for the opportunity.
- I'll work on it. Thanks.
- [Joanne] This weekend?
Don't even say it.
- I'm so sorry. It was my boss.
- What?
He needed me to cover for him
this weekend. I couldn't say no.
Now what am I supposed to do?
Just stay at home alone?
Okay. Okay.
Hear me out.
What if
It's not Big Sur, but my work thing
is at a Jewish camp in Ojai.
I see how that doesn't sound fun.
- Keep talking.
- Okay. I didn't lose you yet? Great.
All I have to do is one Torah study,
then I'm free.
All weekend, we can do fun stuff.
It's beautiful up there.
A gorgeous lake. Gorgeous mountain views.
We can take walks.
Do they have matching robes?
They do not.
[sighs]
Well,
I guess unbuttoned flannel shirt,
no bra, is one of my strongest looks.
Well, now you have to come.
[upbeat music playing]
- [Ashley] You can't go away this weekend.
- [Joanne] Why?
[Ashley] You two have dinner
with the Spotify execs.
- Did either of you read my email?
- Yes.
Yes, I did.
And I was actually
just about to reread it.
- Aloud.
- Perfect.
Right? Yeah. "Spotify exec dinner."
I got it here. All caps. "This Friday."
"Super urgent. 911. Call me now."
Alarm emoji, police emoji.
You're so dramatic.
- Yeah.
- I d
- I saw that.
- Me too.
They wanna talk about live shows, okay?
This is urgent. That's where the money is.
Oh my God.
I have a surprise work thing too.
Noah is gonna die.
Okay, this isn't a surprise work thing.
Joanne, wake up!
Okay, sorry. This is just annoying
because I can't miss my romantic weekend,
but I really can't miss this dinner
because clearly Morgan can't do it alone.
Excuse me. Okay. I am more than capable
of doing it by myself.
- Uh
- I went to college for three semesters.
But you didn't go the other four years.
- Neither of you went to college.
- One, two There's two semesters.
- Who's going to the meeting?
- Marc and Bailey.
Aren't they one step above assistants?
I think maybe Morgan could pull it off.
Oh my God.
Why are you being so snarky to me?
You're blowing off work to hang out
with some guy you're barely dating.
I'm not Look, it's actually
getting serious, okay?
Hence, the fact that we were gonna go away
and make our relationship public.
Yeah. So public
it's in the middle of the woods.
Oh my God. Why aren't you happy for me?
This is the first time I'm gonna have
a boyfriend I actually like.
Okay, look, I am happy for you, but still,
you have never let me bail on work, okay?
Remember when I had that sun blister?
You made me go to that conference.
- I do.
- It's called a cold sore, Morgan.
- Just say what it is.
- It was a sun blister!
- She's not gonna be able to admit it.
- [Ashley] Cold sore.
Why is she in denial?
I've been tested many times.
They just don't happen on my face.
Send me the results.
I need you both to focus.
Every single meeting is important.
We need to close this damn deal.
Okay.
You go have your little weekend.
I will stay here
and make sure we all have jobs.
- Sound good?
- Great.
Okay, I guess Morgan's in charge now
and, um, I'll fix
whatever she fucks up later.
- [Morgan] Can you guys hurry?
- I guess. Sure.
Oh my God. I'm gonna have to sell my eggs.
[upbeat music playing]
Why are you taking her to Camp Haverim?
That place sucks.
No, it doesn't. She's gonna love it.
It's beautiful. That place is very cool.
Of course you think it's cool.
You became a rabbi.
The place is certifiably lame.
You're certifiably lame.
Oh my God. Is this her shirt?
Yeah.
That's incredible. It looks like a doll's.
I'm glad you're taking her up there.
I can't wait to hear the tea
about your tiny little shiksa
running around Camp Haverim.
No, there's not gonna be any tea.
- No?
- [Noah] No.
Rabbi Cohen asked me to cover for him.
He's not gonna be there.
Nor will anyone else we know.
Trust me. I'm not ready to face
the whole "I'm dating a shiksa" thing.
Just gonna be me and Joanne
and a bunch of teens who don't care.
We're just in that, like, "have to spend
every single second together" stage.
Yeah. Esther and I are there too.
More of a legal thing though.
You shouldn't let the gyoza sit out.
It goes bad early.
I left it for you.
Also, it's fun to think about
her seeing me in my element, you know?
Yeah. The kids there,
they have this nickname for me.
It's so stupid. I don't even remember it.
It's "Hot Rabbi" or something.
I don't know. It's dumb.
Godspeed, Hot Rabbi.
- [energetic music playing]
- [sniffs]
Oh, that one's not good.
Don't eat it.
I don't know what's up.
I had two breakfasts.
I was only 18 ♪
And you were 25 ♪
I'd always meet you at the bus stop ♪
You didn't wanna drive ♪
[teenagers chattering]
- [group singing]
- What's going on over here?
This is what we call banging your head
to the Maccabee hits. Shall we?
- [Joanne] Yeah.
- Hi!
[singing in Hebrew]
- [Noah] Shalom! Hey! ♪
- Shalom! Hey! ♪
[woman] Little Noah Roklov!
- Hi!
- [Noah] Rabbi Shira.
I didn't know you were gonna be here.
How are you?
I'm good. And who is
this little ray of sunshine?
This is This is Joanne.
This is my This is my friend.
It's your friend? Shalom, Joanne.
Shalom to you too. Also, quick question.
What does shalom mean?
It's a very common Hebrew word.
It means hello, goodbye, and peace.
Oh, it's like the Jewish aloha.
- Yes!
- [Joanne] Okay, love that.
I like her.
It's very exciting to have a gentile here.
You're all shiny and naturally blonde
with the ability to digest cheese.
I have Lactaid in my purse.
No, don't ruin the fantasy for me.
- Okay. I eat exclusively cheese.
- [Noah] Yes!
Shira's a rabbi
at nearby Temple Beth David.
Yes, but more importantly,
I was little Noah's camp counselor
at this very place.
This was when he was extremely awkward,
very into Beanie Babies.
- Whoa!
- Yeah.
In spite of that, he was somehow able
to still get all the girls.
- Look at him now. All grown-up.
- I can see that.
And in line for this big head rabbi job.
Are the rumors true?
I I don't know. Nothing's official.
Are you gonna kill me if I pull him?
There's a thousand people
who wanna say hi to him.
- We'll be back.
- [Joanne] Okay.
Shalom! That one meant goodbye.
I mean, look, guys.
[girls laugh]
- Wait, what's that?
- [girl] What is that?
What's up, ladies?
Camp is crazy, right? [chuckles]
Are you a new counselor?
Ew, no.
Are you dating Hot Rabbi?
You call him Hot Rabbi?
Oh my God, that makes me so proud.
One time, I pretended to choke
so he would do CPR on me.
Genius.
Yeah, but he just
hit me on the back a few times.
So, is he your boyfriend?
You know, when you're an adult,
it's a little more nuanced than that.
Uh, but, yeah, we definitely are a we.
I just heard him
introduce you as his friend.
Okay, again, nuance.
You probably didn't pick up the context
if you just heard it walking by.
Pretty sure we got the context.
Oh my God. She sounds like Shoshana.
- Yeah.
- Totally!
No, I don't.
Who's Shoshana?
- Me.
- Oh.
I was dating Elliot. We'd hang out,
but only at places no one would go.
Like Ralph's.
Who's Ralph?
The grocery store.
Oh Jesus.
He wouldn't sit next to me
on the bus ride to Haverim.
That's when I realized
he doesn't wanna be seen with me.
So I'm having my mom pick me up early.
Oh, your generation is so weak.
Okay. Uh [sighs]
We can't let things like that
affect us, right?
One thing happens you don't like,
you call your mom to pick you up?
Besides, that's not
what's going on over here,
so if you'll excuse me,
I am gonna go find my boyfriend.
He was literally just like
- He literally just called her his friend.
- Yeah.
Well, hello, Hot Rabbi.
[Noah groans]
- Did you hear about that?
- Yeah. They told me.
Oh no.
Practicing your shaloms?
Oh, I've been shaloming fast and loose
to everybody.
Fantastic. Would you like
to go to the cabin with me?
- Really? We just got here.
- Yeah.
I know, but I wanna do
Hot Rabbi things to you.
Oh, okay.
[upbeat music playing]
I can't win, I can't win ♪
I just crumble up into whatever I was ♪
- [Joanne] You spent every summer here?
- [Noah] Just about.
Except for one
where I had the flu all summer.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Wanna hear something cool?
- Mm-hmm.
That field is where I fractured my pinkie
during the most ruthless game of dodgeball
in camp history.
Here's the kicker.
Guess who threw the winning ball?
Was it a hero with a broken pinkie?
You bet your ass.
And over there? That's where I asked
Michelle Keys to be my girlfriend
after we slow danced at the camp social.
Michelle Keys wasn't a big ambiance girl.
The shed was the spot.
Camp stud? I just I did not know.
Did you ask a lot of girls
to be your girlfriend at camp?
Mm-hmm. Yeah. You had to leave camp
with a girlfriend. It was the whole point.
- Okay.
- [cell phone buzzing]
Hold on. It's Morgan. Hold on.
Hi. What do you need?
I'm flirting with a cute boy by a lake.
Ashley just heard that an actual important
person is coming to the meeting tonight.
Malcolm Miller.
He runs the entire podcast division, so
- [Joanne] What?
- Yes.
- [Joanne] He's coming now?
- Yes.
Okay. That's okay. Uh
- You're great with powerful guys.
- No. He's married.
- [Joanne] Fuck! Okay.
- Yeah.
Well, then I'm coming home.
No. No! Don't. Stay.
Morgan, you cannot handle
the entire podcast division by
[Morgan] Joanne? No, I'm doing this.
I need you to send me episode summaries
for potential live shows.
Shit. I don't have my notes.
I left my computer at Noah's.
Sasha can let her into my place
so she can grab 'em.
- I'll text him.
- Okay.
Did you hear that?
Sasha can get you the notes.
Morgan, I really need to make sure
that you do not blow this
Bye.
- [inhales]
- [call ends]
And she hung up.
She seemed confident.
Yeah. Yeah. She's
She'll be She is gonna be
I need to go back to the cabin, write some
additional notes for her, just in case.
All right, how about this?
I'll go grab us two plates of food.
When you're done, we'll go on a picnic.
- A picnic?
- [Noah] Yeah.
I brought the perfect dress,
but only if we're backlit,
so stay to the west of me.
- I'm gonna wear this.
- [Joanne] Okay.
- See you then.
- [Joanne] Yeah.
[upbeat music playing]
[Morgan] Oh my God. Thank you. Oh my God.
I need this so bad.
It's been a nightmare.
[grunts] Here we go.
I got a guy who can wipe that in an hour.
What? No. I just need to get some stuff
off of it for a work meeting tonight.
Sorry. You just had a real manic energy,
so I was feeling perplexed
Yeah, because my sister
is ditching our work dinner
to have sex with your stupid brother.
Now the big boss guy is coming.
I'm freaking out because I need
to show people that I can do this alone.
Oh, I get it.
- You're the loser sibling.
- What?
And no judgment. I'm the loser sibling.
It's hard to compete
when your brother's the Jewish Jesus.
Yeah.
Doesn't make as much sense with you.
- Hmm.
- You're cool as hell.
You have a witty comeback for everything.
You're like a smoke show. You got
this hot earth mother vibe going on.
- What?
- [Sasha] You know?
And you're way hotter than your sister.
She's too short.
Finally, somebody gets it, right?
- Oh!
- So short.
About this thing tonight,
a couple of years ago,
I met this hostage negotiator at a bar,
and he was telling me
Wait. This isn't a hostage situation.
This is just a work dinner.
Everything in life is a hostage situation.
Okay.
Anyway, he was telling me about
this technique he used called "mirroring."
All you do, no matter what this guy says,
just repeat the last few words back to him
like it's smart and interesting,
and he'll keep talking.
It's gotten me
out of a lot of difficult situations.
"A lot of difficult situations"?
Mm-hmm. I've used it at home.
I've used it at work.
One time, I used it at a Dutch prison.
A Dutch prison?
Turns out
cocaine's still super illegal there.
Wait, cocaine is still
super illegal over there?
- Holy shit. You're so good at that.
- Thank you.
It was a great tip.
Thank you for the tip.
No, that doesn't work.
No, not as good.
[gentle music playing]
[Noah hums quietly]
Just the man I was looking for.
Rabbi Cohen, hi. I thought
I thought that you had a donor meeting.
The Schlossbergs had a change of schedule,
so I just, uh, figured I would pop up
and watch the Torah study in action.
Yes, excellent!
I'm so glad
you're gonna be there in person.
Yeah, you're
you're really loading up here.
Yeah. Yeah. It's all for me.
I get so hungry
before I do public speaking.
Oh, I get it.
Many activities make me hungry.
- [Noah laughs]
- Yeah.
Well, this food's not gonna eat itself,
so I'll just
- [Rabbi Cohen] Okay. Be careful.
- Yep, steps.
- See you there!
- See you there.
Glad you're here.
[pensive music playing]
Oh, you gorgeous bitch. You did it again.
- Hi.
- [Joanne] Hello.
- I love it.
- Picnic outfit.
Yes. You know, I was thinking
we should just do a picnic inside instead.
Put some blankets down,
get a fire going, get cozy in here.
I don't know. I pictured it outside.
I really want the wind in my hair.
Yes, I get that, but a picnic inside
could be really good
'cause, think about it, more privacy.
- Okay.
- Less bugs.
Well, I don't like bugs,
and I do like privacy.
Mm, and then maybe after our privacy,
we can go sit out under the trees.
I gotta run over and do that Torah study,
and then we'll do it.
Oh, I know. I'm gonna be there.
I'm gonna be filming it, front row,
like an embarrassing aunt
with no kids of her own.
You know, I was thinking about that.
It's gonna be pretty boring.
You might wanna just hang here,
relax, read a book.
Oh no, I definitely wanna come.
It's gonna be boring.
You don't need to be there.
- You acting weird?
- I don't think so.
I feel like you're acting strange.
[sighs]
Okay, look. Uh
[clears throat]
My boss just showed up unexpectedly,
and I don't know if it's a good idea
for him to see me with you here.
Oh, are you serious?
Were you not supposed to bring a guest?
No, I can
I can bring a guest. I just, um
Look, I'm up for a big promotion,
and, um, he's a very traditional man.
And, um, he holds my future in his hands,
and, uh, if I'm being honest,
this has now
It's become a weird situation for me.
Oh.
[poignant music playing]
Because of me?
Because I'm not Jewish?
I get it.
Well, thank you for being honest.
- Are you okay?
- Um Mm-hmm.
Yep. I'm good.
[tuts] Yep. I am dressed
for the outdoors, so I'm gonna
I'm gonna still go.
I'm gonna just take both.
I'm gonna go outside and have,
you know, my own little picnic.
That's fine.
- Light from the sun ♪
- [door closes]
Soothing my heart ♪
Oh God.
Be careful. It's hot.
When I grow old ♪
What will you say then? ♪
Hey!
Shabbat Shalom, Joanne.
Shabbat Shalom to you too.
You should join us. We're making candles
for Shabbat. It's really fun.
And I think it'll help take your mind off
whatever your mind happens to be on.
I'm not
I'm just having
two adult servings of bread.
What is Shabbat?
Oh, uh, from sundown Friday
to sundown Saturday,
we take a day of rest,
and we hang out with our loved ones
and reflect on the week we just had.
- You're not allowed to work?
- Mm-mm.
You just sit
and chat with friends and family?
That sounds really nice.
It is. It's really nice
to connect with family
and talk shit
about the people that annoy you.
Oh! Now you're speaking my language.
I knew I was. Oh, I have to help Anna
with her candle. Excuse me.
So where's Hot Rabbi?
[sighs] Well, you girls were right.
Noah is trying to hide me.
Dead that you call him Noah!
He seemed so into me. And, I don't know
Been there.
I guess it's official. I am a Shoshana.
- No offense, girl.
- It happens.
Honestly, you should leave him,
so that in five or six years,
he can reconnect with a former camper
he can spend the rest of his life with.
I feel like such an idiot.
I gave up a very important work thing
to be here with him.
When I'm older,
I don't wanna be sad like this.
Joanne is, like, 50,
and she's being a pick-me girl.
I wanna be empowered and confident
when I'm middle-aged.
I am confident, and I am empowered!
That's, like, my whole brand.
And that's what I should be
focusing on. Me.
Wow. You girls harshly judging me
actually helped.
- [upbeat music playing]
- And now I'm leaving.
I guess your generation is weak too.
[gentle music playing]
Hey, girls.
- Girls, have you seen Joanne?
- She left, Noah.
Uh, um, call me Rabbi Roklov.
So she left, huh?
Yeah. She realized how sus you are.
I'm not sus.
You treated Joanne like a slam-piece.
"Slam-piece"?
Are all guys medically stupid?
She wants to be your girlfriend, Noah,
not your friend.
I can't believe I ever loved you.
[poignant music playing]
[sighs]
[Morgan] Hi!
- [music fades]
- [woman] Morgan!
So glad we can get this on the books.
Where's your sister?
- Who cares? You got the good one.
- [all laugh]
- Right!
- No, no. I'm just kidding.
Joanne is on some annoying adventure
that will eventually blow up
and make a great story
for our podcast, so
- Amazing.
- [man] So great to finally meet.
I really love putting a face to the voice.
- Oh.
- Please just tell me about yourself.
I really like to get friendly
with the hosts.
It's probably because
I was born in Canada.
You were born in Canada?
- Yeah. Well, uh, born in Canada.
- Amazing.
But raised in Chicago, which you can
probably tell from my accent.
I I can hear a slight accent.
A little bit there. Well, funny story
about my days in Chicago.
- I love Sammy Sosa.
- [all laughing]
This one's good.
- [Morgan] Thank you.
- [man] Oh!
[Shira] How's your lady friend?
She left. [sighs]
Oh. Well, that's a bummer.
She seemed great.
Yeah. Yeah. She is.
I sort of freaked out
when Rabbi Cohen showed up,
and, um, it didn't
go over so well with her.
- Mm. Got it.
- Yeah.
Think he'd still back me for head rabbi
if he knew I was with a gentile?
Hmm. I think
you're asking the wrong question.
How do you feel when you're with her?
Honestly, I have never felt like this
in my entire life.
[hopeful music playing]
But you know, it is
not without its significant complications.
Judaism has been around
for thousands of years, right?
And all but the last 50 of those,
women were not allowed to be rabbis.
But here I am, so suck it. [chuckles]
I mean, change is a process.
Maybe you change.
Maybe she does. Maybe you both do.
But that doesn't mean you give up
something great because it's difficult.
I cried every day for a year,
and then I was ready to move on.
- [Morgan] Mm.
- Oh, I've never told anyone that before.
- You're kidding?
- [man chuckles] No.
Wait. You guys get all the podcast guests
to feel that comfortable?
We try, but
It's mostly Morgan.
People underestimate how good she is.
Oh, some people do.
Mm-hmm. Well, it's because you have
given people reasons to feel that way.
- [Morgan] Oh. Have I?
- Yeah, you have.
[Morgan] Okay. Let's hear about that.
And that is some of the sisterly magic
that happens when we're both here.
Wow. Wonderful.
And I think it would go really well
with our live shows.
Which is where
we would like the show to go.
[woman] Cheers to that.
What's happening?
- [hopeful music playing]
- Sweet.
Sorry. Will you excuse me
for just a second?
Okay. Oh, who's that?
Oh, that is Joanne's rabbi boyfriend.
Mm-mm. Just a friend.
But in my spare time,
I do consult on biblical matters.
[Morgan chuckles]
Sorry about that.
Is that true?
[music fades]
- What are you doing here?
- Ashley told me you'd be here.
Listen, I'm so sorry.
I know you you pushed off work for me,
and then I literally hid you from my boss.
- Mm-hmm.
- I totally panicked.
I know how much
that must have hurt, okay?
But, Joanne, I don't wanna lose you, okay?
And I promise,
if you just give me a little time,
I will work that out.
It did hurt, Noah.
And also, you called me your friend
in front of the teens,
whose opinion I care about most.
That was so sus.
But maybe, most importantly,
you made me miss my first Shabbat.
- Your first Shabbat?
- Yes, Noah. It's Friday.
That is when Shabbat happens.
I learned about it at candle making.
I can fix this. Hang on. Just hang on.
[gentle music playing]
Can I have two glasses
of your house red, please? Thanks.
Hold that thought.
Someone forgot
their Shabbat candles at camp.
[music fades]
Now, did Shira tell you
why we light two candles on Shabbat?
No.
There's a few interpretations,
but I'll tell you my favorite.
The candles represent the two temples
in Jerusalem that were destroyed,
and we light them
to remind us that buildings can crumble,
but that doesn't matter.
What matters is gathering
with people we care about,
so Shabbat can happen anywhere.
It's kinda like a pop-up.
Yeah, it is.
So welcome to your first Shabbat dinner.
You wanna light the candles?
I'll say the prayers.
- [Joanne] Okay.
- [Noah] Here's an abridged version.
[speaking Hebrew]
[gentle music playing]
[continues speaking Hebrew]
Cheers.
♪I can't explain ♪
Full of words I don't know how to say ♪
And without a little twist of fate ♪
I know I'd still be searching, baby ♪
I swear
That you've been sent to save me ♪
I have something
really important to ask you.
And it's not just because
it's the last day of camp.
Joanne,
would you please, please be my girlfriend?
♪the only one that my heart ♪
Noah, we're adults.
Let's just say we're off the apps.
She said yes! She said yes.
We're off the apps!
It's always been you
It's always been you ♪
It's always been you
It's always been you ♪
Ah, ah, ah, ah ♪
It's always been you, yeah ♪
You're only the one
That my heart keeps coming back to ♪
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
It's always been you, yeah ♪
Ah, ah, ah, ooh ♪
It's always been you ♪
You're the only one
That my heart keeps coming back to ♪
[music fades]