Noel Fielding's Luxury Comedy (2012) s01e05 Episode Script
Mash Potato Utopia
1 Luxury comedy Oooh, yeah La la la la la la la People running round La la la la la la Rumble in the night with the people up above Oooh yeah Luxury comedy, oooh yeah.
You know that lychee that lives opposite? He's about to jump over ten Weetabix.
He's out of his tiny mind.
Check him out.
What a jump! He's only made it.
That was amazing.
That jump's going to change his life.
I know, he's going to be famous.
Oh no.
What? He's gone a bit wrong, he's raping an olive.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Oh no, I've gone wrong.
I had everything and I've lost it.
That's so typical of him.
Flashes of genius followed by moments of absolute madness.
What is wrong with him? He never really got over his dad's death.
He's carrying a lot of baggage around with him.
I'm surprised he even got over those Weetabix.
What? He doesn't carry that baggage around with him when he does his stunt jumps.
He keeps it in his pencil case.
With his sharpness.
Make the tea.
Make me tea.
Get out and make me tea.
I saw a shape and another shape.
One of those shapes was talking.
A talking shape.
Fish finger for later.
A mashed potato revolver.
Remember, you don't pay us, we pay you.
Fish finger for later.
I used to teach in South Africa, but I found the whole segregation between chocolate fingers and white chocolate fingers too much.
I said, "I can't work here because of the racism," and they said to me, "It's you what's doing it!" They had a point, I had to come back to England.
'My pain au chocolate tears.
' I always watch Match Of The Day and I haven't seen Alan Hansen on it for a while.
So I thought it was a bit odd.
Cos I make observations on things I've seen and not seen.
My wife said to me, "Can you hang out your new, white, fancy pirate shirt "because we've got that barbecue on Saturday.
" So I said, "Yeah, where are the pegs? She said, "They're in the peg bag where they always are.
" You know, she's got a peg bag.
I looked inside, and in with the pegs I saw Alan Hansen.
And so, that's where he's been.
He passed me out a peg, I hung out my pirate shirt and I'm ready for my barbecue.
Also, and I'm not wondering any more were Alan Hansen is, so I can relax at the barbecue.
Because it was playing on my mind a bit.
You take your little, black pants off, boy.
Hooper! Where the hell is Sanchez? I need the Van Ducci case! He said he was going to get that to you within the hour.
You tell them to forget the report and bring me egg and soldiers.
Hi, I'm Sergeant Raymond Boombox I'm a New York cop.
Yeah, I've got the thick black curly hair you can't do shit with.
But I never let it hold me back.
I've been involved in many exciting cases, none more so than the toffee apple diamond heist.
'It was way back in 1983, a bounty year.
'Pat Cash had come second at Wimbledon 'and the Karate Kid had won over 15 Oscars for best movie.
'I was staking out a jewellery store on 42nd Street.
'In the window of this store was a piece of ice 'as big as a cat's head sprinkled with finely-cut rubies 'and mounted on a silver-plated popsicle stick.
' The diamond was being displayed in the jewellery shop window to lure in my arch nemesis Count Zigginpuss, AKA the singing fish finger.
Can you see me in the shoes? The shoes, the shoes! I'd been in hot pursuit of this orange scoundrel for 12 years, but he was always one step ahead, leaving his trademark at the scene of every crime.
A single baked bean, steaming on the end of a golden spoon.
What can it mean? What can it mean? What can it mean? Single baked bean, what can it mean? Single baked bean, what can it mean? Hooper, single baked bean, what can it mean? 'Things were going very badly for me on this case.
'I hadn't slept in over a month.
'To make matters worse, two bullet-holes and a knife wound 'I'd received on a previous case had started talking to me.
'Yelling out nuggets of abuse.
' You've got a nail this guy! He's walking all over you like you're some kind of goddamn retard.
The gash was a first-class sicko.
The kind of guy who wouldn't think twice about driving a remote-control car up a blind man's anus.
Hooper Hooper Big Hooper, come running with the wah, wah 'I remember I just got back from a late-night meatball and coffee run.
'When I returned to the car, the gash was screaming obscenities at me 'like some kind of Pekinese hamster.
' Where the hell have you been, you fat, no-good pervert? I had to go to Ed's Wholefood Store, OK? I had a hankering for a yoghurt covered muesli bar with spirulina.
Spirulina? What the fuck is spirulina? It's an algae for your information.
A super food.
Keeps my brain tight and my ass foamy.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Look at the state of you.
You're just a fat man in a perm.
My hair is naturally curly like Steve Guttneberg! I won't take that from you.
I'm sick of your mouth.
You wanna play? You want a meatball? I'll give you meatballs.
Take one of these.
And one of these.
Have another one.
And another one.
Have another one.
You like that?! No more, please! 'At this point, myself and the gash slipped into a meatball coma, 'overdosing on hot chilli sauce.
' These comas happen frequently.
My only chance to escape from the scum-sodden streets of New York City.
My only chance to dream.
'In these dreams I'd been circumcised.
'I would often find myself in a land inhabited by butterflies.
'I seemed to have an affinity with the creatures.
'Not only would I stroke them, 'but I would walk them around 'on leads made from fancy golden thread.
Wake up! He's getting away! Noooo! 'Single baked bean, what can it mean' Bringing them in Bringing them in Bringing them in In my bowl.
You know your problem? You need to slim right down.
You're a pig! You're a pig-man! You're a loser! I can't take it any more.
A loser! You gotta stop talking to me.
Loser! Please A loser.
I had a nervous breakdown and Zigginpuss got away with the diamonds.
You can't win them all.
Or in mine and Hooper's case, any of them.
Hooper! I'm making funnies over here.
Join me next week for an exciting double episode.
Remember, people want to hurt you and there are a lot of rapists out there.
Good night.
Bye-bye, everybody.
Yeah, but I can go, you don't know.
You don't know.
Oh, you, you don't know.
Yeah, but I could go, Hello, Michael.
Hello, Michael.
Yeah, but I could go, ooh, put him, put him, put him in the dark, Timothy.
This is a nightmare.
That dolphin's out of control.
Can you do something about it? What do you want me to do? Phone someone.
Phone who? Phone Big Larry.
I haven't got his number.
Always have Big Larry's number.
You're out of your mind.
Can you make me a sandwich.
I've got a migraine.
Yes, master.
Oopah, bring me a lemon barley.
OK, let's go.
Come on.
How do you like that? Ah, that was out.
That was on the line! No, sir.
I said that was out.
I meant it.
That was on the line.
I saw a puff of smoke, God dammit! I'll crush you like you're nothing.
That was out.
Oopah, where's my lemon barley drink? Having a God damn heart attack over here! Hang on a minute.
Stop the match.
I can hear the ice-cream man.
Who's gonna go? I've got money.
I can't go, I'm umpiring.
Someone's got to go.
Send one of the ball boys, innit.
He ain't doin' shit.
We've lost the meaning of the word education, which as we know, comes from the Latin educere, to lead out of.
It's not a matter of simply stuffing in fact and statistics into young minds and expecting them to regurgitate it.
That's really indoctrination.
What we should be doing with these young minds is allowing them to problem solve, to use their cognitive capabilities to really explore the world.
That's what the functions of any kind of system of learning ought to be.
Socrates knew this better than, perhaps, any man who's ever lived.
And I think this really has to be blamed on Ice Cream Eyes.
How could that have been me? I was having a romantic meal with a digital hunchback.
Oh, Ice Cream Eyes.
Oh, yeah.
I've got a bone to pick with you.
There was a rip in the bag of frozen peas.
It was like a green spherical avalanche.
They were coming down on me head! You know I've only got one clip and I use that for the breaded onion rings.
You're a penis! Come on, Ice Cream Eyes.
Grow up.
Yah! Yah! Poo-yah! See-yah! Hee-yah! Oh! It's all bleedin' coming together.
Innit, Ravi? Thanks, Ravi.
What a formidable double act, cos you can write and I can say stuff.
We got different skills.
Dear Mum and Dad, it's your number one son Dondylion.
Sorry I've not writ much lately, only I'd been working on me new digs.
Complete luxurious they are.
Like a cathedral.
Huge.
Even got my own Jacuzzi.
I can honestly say, Mum, hand on heart getting darted in the face and dragged into a jeep by hunters and sold to a private menageries in England, best move I ever made.
Best bleedin' move I ever made! I've done it, Mum.
The trip abroad, what we always talked about.
You'll have to come and visit me, and tell Martin not to worry about that tenner.
As they say in the trade, Mum, all bleedin' coming together.
You gettin' all of this? Put a couple of kisses on there, Ravi.
Blindin'.
Oi, come here, you.
Where's this going, please? Africa, innit.
Me mum's gaff.
All bleedin' coming together, innit.
In it goes.
Post that.
It should get there in a couple of days.
Couple of days.
Cheers, Ravi.
Ah, so this is Africa? Shut up about Africa! It's all gonna be all right.
It's all gonna bleedin' come together, innit? It'll all come together, won't it? Please say it's gotta come together.
Oh! Oh! I've made some mistakes! I thought I was going to a bleedin' safari park! It's worse than a bleedin' broom cupboard in here! It's not right.
It's not right, this place.
I got bummed in the shower by a red panda last week! I was never gonna tell anyone that cos it's so humiliating, but I'm up to here with it! I'm scared to wash! That's a basic human right! I can't live like this any more! If not from me, then for a little David Lee Roth, king of the lions.
He can't stay in here like this.
He's a king, his king of the jungle.
We've got to get out of here.
We'll be all right, me and Ravi.
We'll get out.
Ravi's got a plan, ain't you, Ravi? Oh oh Mash potato life shape Oh, oh Mash potato life shape Mash potato life shape One giant mash potato Utopia.
Oh, oh Mash potato life shape Oh, oh Mash potato life shape Mash potato life shape.
See the children running through a mashed potato field, Wearing mash potato crowns.
All the European countries united by one mash potato flag.
An endless European Mash Potato Bank Holiday.
Peace and love for all the mash potato children.
Oh, oh! I'm just popping out.
I'm just popping out.
Where are you going? Going to meet Axl Rose.
No way.
Axl Rose?! Were you meeting him? At the science Museum.
You're never coming back, are you? No.
Hello! Look at you.
Oh! Oh, little bomb man! Little bombino.
Whah! Whah! You hungry? You hungry? Let mummy put her breasts on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on, get involved.
Freeze! No, wait.
I haven't had any lunch.
Mm.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, that's so good.
Oopah, you goddamn nincompoop! I said loganberry, not peach melba! OK.
Now you freeze, Mr Jerky.
You goddamn freeze, you and that baby.
You listen to me.
Hand him over! But he's mine, officer.
That is not your baby.
That is my nephew Donald Never-Reach.
He's a good boy.
Now you pass him to me.
Oh, yeah.
Come on.
Oh, you're a good bomb baby.
I'm gonna do you a favour.
I'm gonna to let you off with a warning, but you ever try anything again like this, I will shoot you 155 times in the neck.
You show me some respect and you show Mrs Boombox some respect! You send her a card to say sorry! We got dinner plans tonight, OK? OK.
You gotta leave these people alone.
They're smaller than the babies.
Goddamn punk.
OK, Oopah.
Bring the wheelbarrow round.
I'm out of juice.
Are you all right? Yeah, I'm OK.
My perm just relaxed a little bit.
You look like Cher! Oopah, I need a goddamn piggyback.
My knees have disintegrated.
Get me a cab! I need a taxi.
Some curling tongs.
My knees have liquified.
Oh, boy.
You know that lychee that lives opposite? He's about to jump over ten Weetabix.
He's out of his tiny mind.
Check him out.
What a jump! He's only made it.
That was amazing.
That jump's going to change his life.
I know, he's going to be famous.
Oh no.
What? He's gone a bit wrong, he's raping an olive.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Oh no, I've gone wrong.
I had everything and I've lost it.
That's so typical of him.
Flashes of genius followed by moments of absolute madness.
What is wrong with him? He never really got over his dad's death.
He's carrying a lot of baggage around with him.
I'm surprised he even got over those Weetabix.
What? He doesn't carry that baggage around with him when he does his stunt jumps.
He keeps it in his pencil case.
With his sharpness.
Make the tea.
Make me tea.
Get out and make me tea.
I saw a shape and another shape.
One of those shapes was talking.
A talking shape.
Fish finger for later.
A mashed potato revolver.
Remember, you don't pay us, we pay you.
Fish finger for later.
I used to teach in South Africa, but I found the whole segregation between chocolate fingers and white chocolate fingers too much.
I said, "I can't work here because of the racism," and they said to me, "It's you what's doing it!" They had a point, I had to come back to England.
'My pain au chocolate tears.
' I always watch Match Of The Day and I haven't seen Alan Hansen on it for a while.
So I thought it was a bit odd.
Cos I make observations on things I've seen and not seen.
My wife said to me, "Can you hang out your new, white, fancy pirate shirt "because we've got that barbecue on Saturday.
" So I said, "Yeah, where are the pegs? She said, "They're in the peg bag where they always are.
" You know, she's got a peg bag.
I looked inside, and in with the pegs I saw Alan Hansen.
And so, that's where he's been.
He passed me out a peg, I hung out my pirate shirt and I'm ready for my barbecue.
Also, and I'm not wondering any more were Alan Hansen is, so I can relax at the barbecue.
Because it was playing on my mind a bit.
You take your little, black pants off, boy.
Hooper! Where the hell is Sanchez? I need the Van Ducci case! He said he was going to get that to you within the hour.
You tell them to forget the report and bring me egg and soldiers.
Hi, I'm Sergeant Raymond Boombox I'm a New York cop.
Yeah, I've got the thick black curly hair you can't do shit with.
But I never let it hold me back.
I've been involved in many exciting cases, none more so than the toffee apple diamond heist.
'It was way back in 1983, a bounty year.
'Pat Cash had come second at Wimbledon 'and the Karate Kid had won over 15 Oscars for best movie.
'I was staking out a jewellery store on 42nd Street.
'In the window of this store was a piece of ice 'as big as a cat's head sprinkled with finely-cut rubies 'and mounted on a silver-plated popsicle stick.
' The diamond was being displayed in the jewellery shop window to lure in my arch nemesis Count Zigginpuss, AKA the singing fish finger.
Can you see me in the shoes? The shoes, the shoes! I'd been in hot pursuit of this orange scoundrel for 12 years, but he was always one step ahead, leaving his trademark at the scene of every crime.
A single baked bean, steaming on the end of a golden spoon.
What can it mean? What can it mean? What can it mean? Single baked bean, what can it mean? Single baked bean, what can it mean? Hooper, single baked bean, what can it mean? 'Things were going very badly for me on this case.
'I hadn't slept in over a month.
'To make matters worse, two bullet-holes and a knife wound 'I'd received on a previous case had started talking to me.
'Yelling out nuggets of abuse.
' You've got a nail this guy! He's walking all over you like you're some kind of goddamn retard.
The gash was a first-class sicko.
The kind of guy who wouldn't think twice about driving a remote-control car up a blind man's anus.
Hooper Hooper Big Hooper, come running with the wah, wah 'I remember I just got back from a late-night meatball and coffee run.
'When I returned to the car, the gash was screaming obscenities at me 'like some kind of Pekinese hamster.
' Where the hell have you been, you fat, no-good pervert? I had to go to Ed's Wholefood Store, OK? I had a hankering for a yoghurt covered muesli bar with spirulina.
Spirulina? What the fuck is spirulina? It's an algae for your information.
A super food.
Keeps my brain tight and my ass foamy.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Look at the state of you.
You're just a fat man in a perm.
My hair is naturally curly like Steve Guttneberg! I won't take that from you.
I'm sick of your mouth.
You wanna play? You want a meatball? I'll give you meatballs.
Take one of these.
And one of these.
Have another one.
And another one.
Have another one.
You like that?! No more, please! 'At this point, myself and the gash slipped into a meatball coma, 'overdosing on hot chilli sauce.
' These comas happen frequently.
My only chance to escape from the scum-sodden streets of New York City.
My only chance to dream.
'In these dreams I'd been circumcised.
'I would often find myself in a land inhabited by butterflies.
'I seemed to have an affinity with the creatures.
'Not only would I stroke them, 'but I would walk them around 'on leads made from fancy golden thread.
Wake up! He's getting away! Noooo! 'Single baked bean, what can it mean' Bringing them in Bringing them in Bringing them in In my bowl.
You know your problem? You need to slim right down.
You're a pig! You're a pig-man! You're a loser! I can't take it any more.
A loser! You gotta stop talking to me.
Loser! Please A loser.
I had a nervous breakdown and Zigginpuss got away with the diamonds.
You can't win them all.
Or in mine and Hooper's case, any of them.
Hooper! I'm making funnies over here.
Join me next week for an exciting double episode.
Remember, people want to hurt you and there are a lot of rapists out there.
Good night.
Bye-bye, everybody.
Yeah, but I can go, you don't know.
You don't know.
Oh, you, you don't know.
Yeah, but I could go, Hello, Michael.
Hello, Michael.
Yeah, but I could go, ooh, put him, put him, put him in the dark, Timothy.
This is a nightmare.
That dolphin's out of control.
Can you do something about it? What do you want me to do? Phone someone.
Phone who? Phone Big Larry.
I haven't got his number.
Always have Big Larry's number.
You're out of your mind.
Can you make me a sandwich.
I've got a migraine.
Yes, master.
Oopah, bring me a lemon barley.
OK, let's go.
Come on.
How do you like that? Ah, that was out.
That was on the line! No, sir.
I said that was out.
I meant it.
That was on the line.
I saw a puff of smoke, God dammit! I'll crush you like you're nothing.
That was out.
Oopah, where's my lemon barley drink? Having a God damn heart attack over here! Hang on a minute.
Stop the match.
I can hear the ice-cream man.
Who's gonna go? I've got money.
I can't go, I'm umpiring.
Someone's got to go.
Send one of the ball boys, innit.
He ain't doin' shit.
We've lost the meaning of the word education, which as we know, comes from the Latin educere, to lead out of.
It's not a matter of simply stuffing in fact and statistics into young minds and expecting them to regurgitate it.
That's really indoctrination.
What we should be doing with these young minds is allowing them to problem solve, to use their cognitive capabilities to really explore the world.
That's what the functions of any kind of system of learning ought to be.
Socrates knew this better than, perhaps, any man who's ever lived.
And I think this really has to be blamed on Ice Cream Eyes.
How could that have been me? I was having a romantic meal with a digital hunchback.
Oh, Ice Cream Eyes.
Oh, yeah.
I've got a bone to pick with you.
There was a rip in the bag of frozen peas.
It was like a green spherical avalanche.
They were coming down on me head! You know I've only got one clip and I use that for the breaded onion rings.
You're a penis! Come on, Ice Cream Eyes.
Grow up.
Yah! Yah! Poo-yah! See-yah! Hee-yah! Oh! It's all bleedin' coming together.
Innit, Ravi? Thanks, Ravi.
What a formidable double act, cos you can write and I can say stuff.
We got different skills.
Dear Mum and Dad, it's your number one son Dondylion.
Sorry I've not writ much lately, only I'd been working on me new digs.
Complete luxurious they are.
Like a cathedral.
Huge.
Even got my own Jacuzzi.
I can honestly say, Mum, hand on heart getting darted in the face and dragged into a jeep by hunters and sold to a private menageries in England, best move I ever made.
Best bleedin' move I ever made! I've done it, Mum.
The trip abroad, what we always talked about.
You'll have to come and visit me, and tell Martin not to worry about that tenner.
As they say in the trade, Mum, all bleedin' coming together.
You gettin' all of this? Put a couple of kisses on there, Ravi.
Blindin'.
Oi, come here, you.
Where's this going, please? Africa, innit.
Me mum's gaff.
All bleedin' coming together, innit.
In it goes.
Post that.
It should get there in a couple of days.
Couple of days.
Cheers, Ravi.
Ah, so this is Africa? Shut up about Africa! It's all gonna be all right.
It's all gonna bleedin' come together, innit? It'll all come together, won't it? Please say it's gotta come together.
Oh! Oh! I've made some mistakes! I thought I was going to a bleedin' safari park! It's worse than a bleedin' broom cupboard in here! It's not right.
It's not right, this place.
I got bummed in the shower by a red panda last week! I was never gonna tell anyone that cos it's so humiliating, but I'm up to here with it! I'm scared to wash! That's a basic human right! I can't live like this any more! If not from me, then for a little David Lee Roth, king of the lions.
He can't stay in here like this.
He's a king, his king of the jungle.
We've got to get out of here.
We'll be all right, me and Ravi.
We'll get out.
Ravi's got a plan, ain't you, Ravi? Oh oh Mash potato life shape Oh, oh Mash potato life shape Mash potato life shape One giant mash potato Utopia.
Oh, oh Mash potato life shape Oh, oh Mash potato life shape Mash potato life shape.
See the children running through a mashed potato field, Wearing mash potato crowns.
All the European countries united by one mash potato flag.
An endless European Mash Potato Bank Holiday.
Peace and love for all the mash potato children.
Oh, oh! I'm just popping out.
I'm just popping out.
Where are you going? Going to meet Axl Rose.
No way.
Axl Rose?! Were you meeting him? At the science Museum.
You're never coming back, are you? No.
Hello! Look at you.
Oh! Oh, little bomb man! Little bombino.
Whah! Whah! You hungry? You hungry? Let mummy put her breasts on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on, get involved.
Freeze! No, wait.
I haven't had any lunch.
Mm.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, that's so good.
Oopah, you goddamn nincompoop! I said loganberry, not peach melba! OK.
Now you freeze, Mr Jerky.
You goddamn freeze, you and that baby.
You listen to me.
Hand him over! But he's mine, officer.
That is not your baby.
That is my nephew Donald Never-Reach.
He's a good boy.
Now you pass him to me.
Oh, yeah.
Come on.
Oh, you're a good bomb baby.
I'm gonna do you a favour.
I'm gonna to let you off with a warning, but you ever try anything again like this, I will shoot you 155 times in the neck.
You show me some respect and you show Mrs Boombox some respect! You send her a card to say sorry! We got dinner plans tonight, OK? OK.
You gotta leave these people alone.
They're smaller than the babies.
Goddamn punk.
OK, Oopah.
Bring the wheelbarrow round.
I'm out of juice.
Are you all right? Yeah, I'm OK.
My perm just relaxed a little bit.
You look like Cher! Oopah, I need a goddamn piggyback.
My knees have disintegrated.
Get me a cab! I need a taxi.
Some curling tongs.
My knees have liquified.
Oh, boy.