Norsemen (2016) s01e05 Episode Script

Yes, we'll soon be back in Norheim, folks.
Let's have a cheer for that! [all.]
Hooray! First of all, I have to say that I feel we've developed a very special bond.
All of us here.
Together.
So, uh That's quite nice, isn't it, folks? Some of you may have noticed that we sailed towards the West this time.
And Jarl Varg, he doesn't need to find that out.
So if anyone asks, just say East, OK? Excuse me.
You mean lie? Because it's really stressful to be caught in a web of lies.
Yes.
Sure, but Does anyone here know what a blood eagle is? A blood eagle is when your spine column is exposed and your ribs are severed from the spine and pulled out to resemble wings.
And then your lungs are pulled out of your body.
So anyone who says anything to anyone about traveling to the West, gets a blood eagle.
Just so you know it.
Is it OK if I tell my brother? In strict confidence, of course.
- No you can't tell your brother.
- Could I tell my cousin? If he promises not to say anything? He's really good at keeping secrets.
No, you can't tell your cousin, either.
Any other questions? Ship! There's the ship! Ship! They're coming! Look at you! Are you trying out some new costume? You're shaking.
Is everything OK? Everything is OK.
Everything is according to plan.
Look at this.
Treasures.
Gold.
Coins.
I've led the most successful raid in the history of this village.
That's not bad.
I made it pretty clear that we needed metal to complete the installation.
Haven't you couldn't you steal any metal? There's some silver cups and some cutlery.
But no metal.
Metal, metal, metal.
Where can I find lots of metal? Good folks, as you all may know, this was our very, very last raid.
We're now going to become a cultural capital.
But in order to make that happen, I order each of all of you to place your swords, and your helmets and your chainmails and your axes in that carriage over here.
This is the Viking Age.
Armed conflict is kind of part of the game here.
What if someone attacks us? Your reactionary attitude is hilarious, Arvid.
Who in their right mind would attack a village that is organizing the country's best and only summer play? - And building an installation? - Come on, Arvid! So into the carriage with the weapons.
All the weapons are being melted into art.
Good, good.
Not so hard.
Thank you.
Very well.
- This is good! - One ax, one sword, makes art.
Now we're talking! [cup rattling.]
Allow me to propose a first toast.
To the most successful raid ever.
And to Rufus, who has done a phenomenal job while we were gone.
- Skål! - Skål! So, are you also excited about the installation and the play? Yeah.
I'm sure it will be a real upgrade.
Mm-hm.
It's crazy.
We have no weapons.
- We've never been so unsafe.
- You should be the chieftain, you know.
Orm is totally useless, especially as a chieftain.
Are we having fun? What are we talking about? Nothing special.
We were just reminiscing about the raid and all that.
- Really? That's all? - Yeah.
Strange.
I thought I heard you mention me.
- No way.
We weren't talking about you.
- No? So how are things going with the disarmament? We have collected everything and delivered to the blacksmith.
Good.
Good.
Well done.
Well done.
No, no, no.
I know a man's perineum is forbidden fruit, but that's what makes it so exciting! Well, if it isn't Jarl Varg's men! Welcome.
Welcome to my humble abode.
As I call it.
Don't just stand there.
Get some mead and meat for our honorable guests.
What's the occasion for this feast? I don't think it's a feast.
It's more like a gathering.
We're celebrating our return from the lands to the East.
With an extremely meager bounty.
I see.
Yeah.
I presume you have Jarl Varg's share ready? Yes, yes.
- I see you've got some new slaves? - Yes.
Do you mind if I take a look myself? No.
Sure.
I wouldn't have it any other way.
Look at this.
Is there a new type of slave out East? - No.
- Aren't they more square-faced? With narrow eyes and hooked noses? No, that was before.
I see.
You can see for yourself.
They are extremely Eastern people.
Almost Chinaman.
They're not Chinaman.
- The jury's still out on that.
- No, they're not.
We are from the West.
They stole us from Britain.
Over the sea to the West.
East, East.
Blah, blah, blah East.
These guys have red hair and talk a language I've never heard before.
There are so many different languages.
You never know what a slave speaks.
What does a slave speak? Slavonian? Or Slavish? Slavegian? Slavish, perhaps? Don't bore yourself with these slaves.
Have a sip of our local mead.
Mead isn't just mead anymore.
- No, you're right.
- There are a lot of different types.
No, I agree.
- It's complex.
Full-bodied.
- Yes.
It's tasteful.
Yes.
- Well-balanced.
- Yes.
With a A hint of smoke in the aroma, the flavor.
Yes, all of that.
Let's just enjoy ourselves, now.
And not worry about whether someone went on a raid in this direction or that.
All that's very boring.
Cheers! Skål! Skål! [shouting and chanting.]
So sure you're sober enough to ride? Yes, I'm sure.
Give Jarl Varg my very, very best.
You know, big hugs.
I'm sorry his share wasn't bigger, but you know how it is out East.
Take care! I almost forgot one thing.
I'd like to bring one of the ginger people.
They look like a bit of fun.
I hope the Jarl won't find out where that slave really came from.
- How would he figure that out? - I don't know.
By someone understanding the language he speaks for example? That's not going to happen, is it? One can only hope.
No, no, no, that won't happen.
It's just a matter of positive thinking.
Nine out of ten concerns are completely unfounded.
Isn't that what they say? - I don't know - No, that's what they say.
Who says that? Nine out of ten concerns are unfounded.
Yeah, yeah.
But, who says that? No, I don't know who says it, I haven't got names.
People.
People do.
- I've never heard that.
- No, it's true.
Please! Please, Jarl Varg! Everything is OK.
Relax.
Relax.
Great.
Open your mouth.
Yes? Jarl Varg? Our assumption was right.
The Norheim villagers have been on a raid.
Something tells me our share was somewhat meager? Well, Orm isn't trustworthy, so it's hard to say, but this is our share.
Wow.
Buttons.
They're just to fill it up a bit.
They got some pretty exotic slaves, too.
Gingers.
Look at his teeth.
Very nice teeth.
His hair is red as fire.
And he's got spots on his face.
How odd.
Carrot head.
Lord in heaven, blessed are thy name.
Forgive us of our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us.
- You understand what he says? - Sure.
Ask him where he's from.
Where are you from? England.
He's from England.
It's a land to the West.
Norheim will be crushed.
By Thor, I'm so excited.
There something about a man that wants something, no matter how silly it may seem, that does something to me.
Sorry.
My dear, loyal subjects.
The day has arrived.
And this is not only the unveiling of an installation.
But this is the unveiling of a new era! Now you're allowed to cheer.
[half-hearted cheering.]
As I'm just as excited as you are.
I give to you The installation! What is it? Some kind of big weapon? Weapon? No, no, no this is art.
And art may be the most powerful of all weapons.
If you think about it.
- So it is a weapon.
- No, no, not exactly.
Then how are we going to win battles? With our emotions.
- So what do you think? - It stinks! This is good.
It seems like I've triggered some emotions here and that's perfect.
Because art is supposed to provoke and challenge.
Create debate.
Disgust.
We have to dare to debate.
But not come to the point where we suppress and censor based on individual taste.
- Yes? - I just think everyone here is having trouble understanding what the point behind this installation is supposed to be.
Well.
The installation is a very important focal point.
And it shows - It shows cultural strength.
- And puts us on the map.
And that is very important.
And Anyway.
It's an artist's privilege not having to explain his art.
And tomorrow rehearsals will begin for the summer play.
So those of you participating, make sure to get a good night's sleep.
So you can deliver 100% on stage.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Move.
Move, assholes.
- Orm - Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Jarl Varg? - I'm back from Norheim.
- Yes? It seems like they have completely lost their focus, or are focusing on something that didn't make sense to me.
- There wasn't one guard in sight.
- Perfect.
What are we waiting for? This will be like stealing raisins from a baby.
[crunch and moaning.]
Rotten.
A rotten tooth.
A rotten tooth.
Rotten tooth.
Arvid? Are you still sleeping? Today is the big day! Look what Orm has sent you, costumes for today's rehearsals.
This is gonna be so magical.
- What? - Unwrap it.
Don't just lay there like a dork.
- What's this? - "What's this"? Just because it isn't an ax or a sword, you have to ask "what's this"? I can see what it is but why did I get it? Because you have been hand-picked for a role in the play.
What an honor! To be honest, I have to say, I'm a bit surprised they believe in you.
They must see something no one else sees.
Loki! OK, folks.
We're finally ready to start rehearsing.
So if everyone works together, I guarantee you we'll put Norheim on the theater map.
Of course, Chieftain Orm has the lead.
As the prince's mother.
Arvid will play the prince's sister, Othella.
And Kark is their maid servant.
OK, let's hear it for them, folks! [half-hearted cheer.]
OK.
Oh, knights of the West! What do you want from us? We are but simple farm girls lost in the castle.
Spare our lives, for we are virgins.
- Yes, to that we swear.
- We can all swear.
Line.
- Spare our lives, for we are virgins? - Your next line! Arvid, the least you can do is focus.
Jesus! Damn.
Fuck! Sabotaging this is absolutely uncalled for, Arvid.
Just look at Orm.
He's never acted before.
But he's practically blowing me away here! And Kark? Exceptional! So expressive, in both movement and delivery.
Thank you.
That's the first time anyone's ever given me a compliment.
If a retard like Kark can manage to act, surely you can too? You actually frighten me with your lack of intellectual capacity here.
- And you're ugly.
- Huh? What? I'm not saying that to be mean but it's important to vent all the crap if we're going to work this close together.
From the top.
Oh, knights of the West! What are they doing? All I see are three gorgeous women showing off.
I really got this Sodom and Gomorrah vibe here.
It's really important that these ladies don't distract us.
We are here to find Orm.
And when we do, we'll carve him into tiny, tiny pieces.
That's why I brought this tiny, tiny knife.
You have to defend yourselves.
Raise your arms like this.
You're under attack, for Christ's sake! [thud.]
We're under attack! [shouting.]
Well, that's a tad too much.
Odin, my creator! Jarl Varg in the flesh! So powerful.
Now that's a real man for you.
Hm.
Sure brought my little acorn to life.
I just got a clit-boner.
Women to the great hall.
Men in the cage.
I hope you're satisfied with yourself, now that we've become a cultural capital and all.
Not a single weapon to be found.
Excellent plan.
Great job.
This is not the time to dwell on our differences.
You have to save me, Arvid! There's something about protecting your chieftain that is extremely important.
Where is that miserable Chieftain Orm? Next on the agenda: Defiling! But where to start? Let's see.
Nice and firm.
By Thor! No wonder the women of Norheim are of such high repute.
Help! Help! Save me! Save me! Help! Mercy! Where is Orm? Clever.
That old pretend-to-whisper- and-suddenly-spit-in-the-face trick.
Very good.
We have to get out of here before they defile us to death.
So here's the plan.
You go to the guard by the door And distract him.
Then I'll sneak up on him from behind and kill him.
And then we just run out, charge the others and hope for the best.
Good plan.
We could of course use the potty hatch, but you're the Viking.
What's the potty hatch? It's a hatch that leads directly into the woods.
But you wanted - No, no, no, no! Potty hatch.
- Potty hatch.
Come on! Come on! Yes! Come on! What about Orm? He's really getting pounded in there.
Come on! Yes! Yes! Anyone else want to sacrifice something for Orm? - A finger, maybe? - No, no.
I won't sacrifice a damn shit for that guy.
Orm is in the guild hall in a turquoise dress.
Come on! Yes, yes, yes! Fuck, yeah! Come on! Yes, come on Come on, we have to go.
But we have to get the Map to the West.
No, I'll get it.
You don't have to worry about that.
You don't have to worry about that.
- I'm right here.
- That's a very private chest.
No, that's not the map.
Put that down again.
What is it? Don't look at it.
I don't know what it is.
It's Someone left it there.
It's a tent peg.
Is there some sort of law against having tent pegs? Here it is! Just put it in the sack and I'll take care of it.
That's probably the safest.
I'll take it!