Oh, Doctor Beeching! (1995) s01e05 Episode Script

1
(Train whistle)
– Did you see that?
– Yes, I did. Was he waving at you?
He was not!
I don't think he was waving at me
because I was not in evidence.
It must've been her, next door.
It'll all end in tears.
Anyone seen my relief?
Hasn't he arrived yet?
He should've been here at six o'clock.
I've been on since ten last night.
It's no laughing matter.
I don't suppose
he'd have laughed at it if it was.
Come in!
Morning, Mr Skinner.
– What's in that cup?
– Tea.
– Where from?
– Refreshment room.
You've no business helping yourself.
Don't put it there,
you'll spoil the paperwork.
– Parkin'll have kittens.
– He's got the morning off.
He's the type who'd have kittens
on Christmas Day.
Take that mug back to May.
– Will she have kittens as well?
– Just go and do as I tell you.
– What have you been up to?
– Nothing.
Well, don't do it again.
Sorry I'm late. Ten minutes
I was knocking on his bedroom door.
– Couldn't you get him out of bed?
– He wasn't there.
He'd got up at 6:30 and gone.
Made himself some instant porridge.
That's a step in the right direction.
Not really.
He must've cooked it for half an hour.
– I'll have to chuck the pan away.
– Anybody there?
Just coming.
Oh, Harry's relief hasn't turned up.
Oh 'eck. I'll go and get him a cup of tea.
Good morning, can I help?
Oh, it's you. What do you want?
– Cheap day return, please.
– No bicycle this morning?
No, I'm going to the pictures.
Have you seen Percy lately?
No.
That'll be half a crown. Thank you.
I'll give Percy your love.
Bitch.
Harry's stopping us again.
I wonder what's up?
Maybe one of his rabbits has got out.
He wouldn't stop us for a rabbit.
He would if it had a pedigree.
Don't be daft.
Put some coal on and give him a whistle.
(Toots twice)
Morning, Harry.
I hear you haven't been relieved.
Nine horrible hours I've been here.
– I brought you a cup of tea to
cheer you up. – Cheer me up?
What sort of life is this for a man?
I'm here all night, all alone,
hour after hour nothing happens.
Once or twice that thing goes ting– ting.
I move a couple of
levers and ting– ting back.
And that's it, I'm all alone again
with me thoughts.
Where's the satisfaction?
Where's the fulfilment?
– (Train whistle)
– That'll be Arnold.
I'm not supposed to be here,
so I'm not doing any ting– tings
and I'm not pulling any bloomin' levers.
– That'll teach 'em.
– Don't be silly, Harry.
No! No. They can do what they will.
I'll I'll signal no more.
– if Parkin finds out, he'll play hell.
– I'm not worried about Parkin.
If he pokes his bloomin' nose in here,
he'll get the flat end of my tongue.
I'll see it in meself,
and pull yourself together.
(Grumbling incoherently)
Right. Come on, Ralph.
You're driving. He's given us the signal.
I just spotted a hare
on the top of the bank.
We're not hunting hares now.
Toot your whistle and start off.
– Here.
– (Toots twice)
One toot is enough! Off you go.
Ralph, you've done it again, haven't you?
Hatley, Hatley, Hatley.
Change here
for Buston and Wenstead.
Hatley, Hatley, Hatley! Change here
for Buston and Wenstead.
Buston and Wenstead.
Hatley, Hatley, Hatley!
Change here for Wenstead!
Morning. Have a nice day.
(Ethel) Good morning. Have a nice day.
Good morning. Have
– Morning, Ethel.
– Morning.
Hello, I'm not popular.
Get yourself in the next compartment,
darling, I'll clip your ticket.
Can't wait.
– Jack, I've got some parcels for you.
– Wilf, come on.
Here you are.
I've got a special one for you, Jack.
– Oh 'eck. Do you know who he is?
– We haven't been introduced.
It's a bit late for that now.
Wilf, go and get the barrow.
I've been relieved.
Good. You can stay
and give us all a good laugh.
Oh, very funny. Ha, ha, ha.
– Give us a lift with the coffin.
– Coffin! Oh, my God, that's all I need.
It's more than Wilf and I can handle.
Wilf, hurry up.
Get in there and give Percy a hand.
– It's Mr Buckly.
– How do you know?
– His name's on top in brass.
– Is it clean? Lucky for you.
(May) Jack?
Jack, your tea's read
I'll keep it hot.
Oi.
You'd better be away.
– Right away!
– Oh, go on, go on.
(Toots twice)
Will you stop playing with your whistle?!
– I beg your pardon.
– Go on, get on with it.
Where's it got to go?
It ought to be under cover.
It might rain and we don't want it to get wet.
Why not? He can't get pneumonia, can he?
That's probably why he's in there.
Don't be disrespectful.
And get these pigeons off the trolley.
It's not seemly. And neither is that.
Now, I think it's a parcel
so it ought to go in the parcel office!
Come on.
Wilfred, get off. This is not a scooter.
Dad, have you got my dinner money?
I'll go without.
– This trolley'll never go through that door.
– No, but the coffin will.
That's eight towels and six tablecloths.
Oh, thank you, Vera.
Will you leave them on the counter?
Mum, Dad's struggling with a coffin.
I know, love. And his tea's getting cold.
Never mind. Have a ginger nut.
I don't think the three of them can manage.
I'll give them a helping lift.
I performed the same service
for my late husband.
He was an engine driver, you know.
And ever so heavy.
Lovely funeral, it was.
You know how in the army
they shoot their guns in the air?
Well, all the firemen lined up
and banged their shovels together.
Then, as they lowered him into the hole,
I threw a small bouquet of red roses
into the coffin.
And all the firemen very reverently
dropped half a hundredweight
of best Welsh steam coal.
Things like that linger
in the memory, you know.
Ginger nut?
Lift up your end.
Oh, you are doing well.
– Thank you. Wilfred, open the door.
– All right.
Come in!
Vera, guide it from that side.
It's better if you take small steps,
like the foxtrot.
Slow, slow, quick– quick– slow.
(Screams) You're not bringing
that thing in here.
It's not a thing, it's a coffin,
and there's somebody dead in it.
That's why I'm not having it.
It gives me the shivers. Take it out.
We can't let the passengers see it.
Jack, it's not coming
in here and that's final!
I don't suppose it's the sort of thing that May
would like to have in the refreshment room.
Put the customers off, wouldn't it?
– Shove it in Parkin's office.
– Don't be ridiculous.
– He's got the morning off.
– it won't have to stay there long.
Old Colfax would come and collect it
if you ring him.
He'll put it in his chapel of rest.
Very tasteful, it is, and holy.
Cold, though.
He'll be expecting it.
I dug him a grave yesterday.
Raining, it was. All puddly.
They won't give me a penny extra
for when it rains.
We can't stand here all day.
Ethel, open his door.
Ring Mr Colfax and tell him
we've got a customer.
– (Telephone)
– Oh, get that, Vera, I can't get through.
Hello, Hatley station.
– Wilfred, lift it up, it's dropping.
– Vera's let it slip.
She's let everything slip.
It's Mr Mortimer. He says
he wants to bet it's 3:30 at Newcastle.
Well, it's only just gone eight here,
Mr Mortimer.
– Rest it on Parkin's desk.
– I see.
Harry, Mr Mortimer says
can you take a bet for 3:30 at Newcastle?
He'll never get there in time, Mr Mortimer.
There isn't a train before midday.
I can't take bets
while I'm coffin– carrying. lndecent.
Tell him I'll ring him back.
He'll ring you back.
– Ethel, have you got Colfax?
– How can I when Vera's on the phone?
Hand it over, Vera.
Wilfred, take that book from underneath,
it's all wobbly.
This would make
a nice chapel of rest, this would.
All it needs is a nice bit of stained glass
in that window.
You wanna tell Parkin and if
Beeching shuts us down it'll come in handy.
Jack, I've got Mr Colfax on the phone.
Coming.
Hello, Fred? Yeah, I've got a stiff, erm
a coffin for you.
Er, yeah, just a minute.
– What's his name?
– Buckly.
Buckly, yeah.
B– U– C– K– I.
Oh. Er, does it have an E?
– No E.
– No, no E.
Yeah, yeah, U– C– K– I– Y.
What do you mean he's not booked in?
You're the only one here
that's an undertaker.
All right, then, funeral director.
Well, have another look.
He doesn't know anything about it.
I dug a grave for him yesterday.
Raining, it was. All puddly.
They don't give you a penny extra
All right, you've told us that.
Harry says he dug a
grave for you yesterday.
He says he filled that one in
half an hour ago.
Are you sure?
Oh, now, come on, Fred,
don't be like that. I were just
Fred? Fred!
He's hung up. He says it's not his.
– The consignment note may have details.
– You look on the note
and I'll look in Parkin's tray
to see if there's anything there about it.
17's gone, 18's gone, 19
These have all been collected.
Oh, there's one here for pigeons.
Oh, somebody's spilt something over it.
– it were me.
– How?!
How many times have I told you
not to put mugs down on my papers?
Parkin played up something awful
about it only yesterday.
That's why I burnt the top one.
You burnt it?
Wilfred, you'll be the death of me.
Well, there's nothing in there.
(Sighs)
Wilfred burnt the consignment note.
He burnt the? He'll have to go.
No, he won't. He's only a boy.
Anyone can make a mistake.
If Parkin finds out,
you'll get your cards, that's for sure.
He's not going to find out, is he?
He'll be a bit suspicious
when he sees a coffin on his desk.
We'll have to get rid of it!
It must belong to somebody.
Maybe there's a card inside
with an address on.
Don't be daft.
I'll willingly have an inspection
if someone'll give me the necessary
screwdriver so I can open him up.
– Oh, don't.
– We've got to get it out of here for starters.
Well, we could stick
it under my signal box.
I don't suppose
the chickens will mind much.
We can't take it
in front of Parkin's house, he'll see!
I know, we can take it down the platform.
This is all your fault, Wilfred.
You don't listen. Do you hear?
Yes, Mum. I'm sorry.
Right, let's get cracking.
Ethel, stand by to open the door.
Come on. One, two, three, lift!
Right.
Now, easy does it.
– Good morning, Mrs Schumann.
– Oh, Mr Parkin!
– We didn't expect you.
– Easy does what?
– You what?
– You said, "Easy does it."
– Did I?
– Yes. Easy does what?
Oh, it's Jack, doing his daily dozen.
You know, touching his toes.
You must be careful at his age.
Half a dozen is more than he's capable of.
Excuse me.
It's Parkin. What are we gonna do?
– Take it back. Get rid of him!
– How?
I don't know, just get rid of him!
– Mr Parkin, it's, er it's it's Mrs Skinner.
– What about her?
– She wants to see you.
– In a few minutes.
– It's urgent!
– How do you know?
She said so. This morning. When I saw her.
– Why didn't you tell me?
– You weren't here.
– Is she all right?
– I don't know, you'd better ask her.
May? Mrs Skinner?
Shan't be a minute!
Just buttering a toasted teacake.
It's for me.
She's buttering a toasted teacake.
It won't take long.
She doesn't use much butter.
(All screaming)
You frightened the life out of me.
Get that thing onto the platform, quick.
– We can't, the platform door's locked.
– Parkin keeps the key.
– Ask him for the key, Ethel.
– How can I?
It were your boy that's got us
into this mess, go and get the key.
It's all your fault, Wilfred.
(Panting) Mr Parkin, have you got the key
to your office from the platform?
– Yes, thank you.
– Good.
– Can I borrow it?
– What for?
Your office is a bit stuffy.
I wanted to air it a bit.
You know, give you the wind.
– Well, open the window.
– Good idea.
He won't give it to me.
He said if I want to air the room,
I've got to open the window.
– What are you talking about?
– I don't know.
We could stick the coffin
through that window.
Well, do something quick.
He's going to come back in a minute!
Speaking for myself personally,
I would like to open him up.
I were gonna leave him with Mum.
Hey, open the window.
– Here we are.
– Thanks.
– And there's your tea.
– Thanks, Mrs Skinner.
Morning, Mr Parkin.
May, what is it?
It's a toasted teacake.
Do you want one?
– Mrs Schumann said it was very urgent.
– What was?
– You wanted to talk to me.
– I don't want to talk to you.
Why, what have I done?
Nothing.
I'll never understand women.
Oh! Good morning, Mr Parkin.
Errrr good morning, Mr Parkin.
– ls Mrs Skinner all right?
– I think so, Mr Parkin.
She seems strange somehow.
By the way, Mrs Schumann is right.
Don't overdo it, you'll strain your back.
At your age, six times is quite enough.
Mrs Schumann, are you sure
Mrs Skinner wanted to see me urgently?
– I think so.
– That's odd.
She said she didn't want to talk to me.
Oh! Well, perhaps it was one of those days.
You know.
Oh, yes. Of course.
– We've got you.
– Yeah, but can you hold me?
You'd be surprised what he can do.
Six times a day.
I can hear him coming.
– Good morning, Mr Parkin.
– Good morning, Mr Parkin.
You won't want this window open
any more now, will you? No.
– What's going on?
– Er
I think it's one of those days.
Yes, I've just told him. Come on.
(Wilfred grunting)
– What's wrong with you?
– I'm not quite sure.
– He's probably done his back in.
– I've probably done me front in.
– Why don't we put it on that barrow?
– Good idea.
– We're gonna put it on the barrow.
– That'll be nice.
Right. One, two, three, up!
Look at your uniform, it's a disgrace.
Smarten yourself up.
Right, Harry, gentle her up.
(Grunting)
No, no. Not too high.
Or he'll end folded
at the bottom like this.
– Easy does it.
– I'm standing here, useless.
What a surprise.
Put your foot on the barrow
and give us some leverage.
And keep it central.
– Right, that's it.
– (Jack grunting)
Oh– oh– oh, I think I
l think I heard him sliding.
As long as he's not head first.
Mind he doesn't see us
through the booking office window.
(Grunting)
Right, up.
Ohh. My legs are set.
Oh! We can't go all the way
to the signal box like this.
Parkin's in the office on the phone.
– What's going on?
– Harry's knees have set.
– Give him a lift.
– I can't, I've got all the weight.
Wilfred, stop hugging the coffin
and give Harry a hand.
Come on.
Uh ohhh.
– Ooh.
– All right.
– Hey, well, I'd better get back.
– Right. Off we go.
– Jack, did you want another tea or not?
– Not just now, May, thank you.
– Where are you going with that?
– Harry's box.
– What?
– Harry's box.
Is it? Oh, well, nothing
like being prepared.
Oh! I heard him slide.
– Did you?
– I was particularly anxious to avoid that.
– What should we do?
– Tip him up the other way.
– On his head?
– Only for a little bit.
That seems most disrespectful to me.
It's more disrespectful him squatting
as if having a you know.
Say no more.
Put your ear to it
and when you hear it slither, tell us.
I've had a nightmare before,
this is the first time I've had a daymare.
– Jack! Jack!
– What?
– Parkin wants you.
– Tell him five minutes.
No, he wants to see you immediately.
Right away. You'd better come!
Oh 'eck. Look, tip him up the right way
and push him towards the signal box.
– I'll be back as soon as I can.
– Hey.
I can't manage this with just me and Wilf.
I'm not an athlete like you. Ha, ha.
Do the best you can.
Come.
– He's just coming, Mr Parkin.
– What's he doing?
Well, he's, er just dealing with a parcel.
It's heavy and rather long.
– You wanted to see me?
– District office just called.
Mr Orkindale, the district inspector,
will be here any minute!
– There's no train.
– He's coming by car.
And they say have we seen a Mr Buckly?
Buckly.
Buckly?
Ethel, do we know anything
about a Mr Buckly?
Buckly Buckly
Er, the name seems to ring a bell.
– (Panting)
– Harry,
do you know anything about a Mr Buckly?
Buckly? Yeah, he's in the gents' whatsit.
There's been a mix– up.
He was meant to go to Hagley, not Hatley.
They're sending transport for him.
Come in.
I've just seen Mr
Orkindale get out of his car.
Ah. Well, you'd better smarten
yourselves up, all of you.
– Good morning, Mr Orkindale.
– Morning. Now, where's Buckly?
He's here, Mr Orkindale,
he's just spending a penny.
Spending a?
He's been dead four days.
Wilfred, how long is it since you cleaned
those brasses?
Jack, there's a hearse
just drawn up outside.
Lovely, it is. All black,
with coloured flowers on the top.
Oh, yes, that'll be for Mr Buckly.
We put him in the gents so the, er
so the passengers won't see him.
And it's nice and cold.
Mr Orkindale, why don't you and Mr Parkin
pop into the refreshment room for a cuppa?
We'll take care of Mr Buckly.
Yes, Mr Orkindale, come and sit down.
I'll make you a fresh pot.
We'll let you know
when everything's ready, Mr Orkindale.
This could've been a right British Railways
mess. Thanks for sorting it out, Jack.
Don't thank me. Thank Mr Parkin here.
Well, that's that.
I'll have seven pound of your tomatoes,
Harry, for the wife's chutney.
Any time, Mr Orkindale, any time.
Jack, this man Parkin. He don't seem
quite to know what's going on.
He'll be all right.
He's new to it, you know.
He'll settle in.
I reckon he'll be one of the best
stationmasters I've ever worked under.
Well, let's hope Beeching leaves you here.
I'll fetch them tomatoes.
Oh, and Harry. I could do with a trim,
if you can spare the time.
Any time, Mr Orkindale, any time.
Oh, Dr Beeching, what have you done?
There once were lots of trains to catch
but soon there will be none
I'll have to buy a bike
cos I can't afford a car
Oh, Dr Beeching,
what a naughty man you are
Oh, Dr Beeching, what have you done?
There once were lots of trains to catch
but soon there will be none
I'll have to buy a bike
cos I can't afford a car
Oh, Dr Beeching,
what a naughty man you are ♪
(Train whistle)