On My Block (2018) s01e05 Episode Script
Chapter Five
1 [PANTING.]
[ENGINE HUMMING.]
[TIRES SQUEAL.]
[CESAR.]
Please! You've got the wrong guy! You've got the wrong guy! Look, you've got the wrong guy! Please! You've got the wrong guy.
You've got the wrong guy.
[PANTING.]
- What - You think I wouldn't find out, fool? Oh, I got ojos everywhere.
- Twenty-four-seven, 365.
- What are you talking about? 'Sup, bitch? We know you kissed Olivia.
Why you got to do us like that, huh? Hey, I I [SCREAMS.]
[GRUNTS.]
- Why are you here? - I just wanted to be included.
Bitch! - We can talk this out.
- It's too late for talking.
Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.
I'm gonna give you a face for radio.
Mess him up.
No.
No, no, no, no.
[PANTING.]
It was a mistake.
I'm sorry! No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No! [PANTING.]
I got to get this on lockdown.
[JAMAL.]
What's up? - You look fried.
- Couldn't sleep last night.
I'd seriously consider Tempur-Pedic pillows.
Changed my life.
Or are we talking non-pillow issues? - Just some shit.
It's nothing.
- Is it drugs? You slinging? You stole a car? Held up a liquor store? - A drug store? A corner store? - No store.
Home invasion? Assault? Assault with a deadly weapon? Oh, my God, they made you kill someone, didn't they? Shh.
I really hope it wasn't a white person.
I didn't kill anyone.
- I kissed Olivia.
- What? - You kissed Olivia? - Shh.
Why tell me that? You know I can't keep a secret.
I call bullshit.
You've kept the football secret for months now.
Unless you all of a sudden developed glaucoma or became a pirate.
That's not funny.
Piracy's a problem.
And And And I'm cool with my own secrets.
Other people's? I've got nine hours tops.
And that's with perfect conditions.
If there are any extenuating circumstances, all bets are off.
I can't be too hungry or too full or too hot or too cold or feel physically cornered.
And what about Olivia? She lives with Ruby.
She could tell him at any moment.
Olivia's cool.
She's tight-lipped.
- You boned? - I'm talking about the lips on her face.
And we're in the middle of a heat wave.
- There's no way I can keep this in.
- Fine, I'll handle it.
What are you doing? You don't deliver heartbreak via text! You have to do it in person.
Ooh.
You'll thank me later.
[MONSE.]
Hey.
Wow.
You look not good.
I'm sorry.
I take full responsibility.
I shouldn't have blown you up every night.
And I promise I'll stop talking about the woman who may be my mom.
Oh, did I tell you? I found her on Facebook, but her account's private.
I haven't friended her yet, but I Googled her.
She's an author.
Do you think that's a sign or just a coincidence? I don't know, but listen, something's been weighing on me.
I know.
- You do? - Yeah.
And I'm in.
I'm ready to take things to the next level with us.
I can't keep our sitch a secret.
It's eating me up.
I feel you.
We have to figure out a way to tell the guys so they won't get pissed.
- Hey.
- What's up? Nothing.
Nothing's up.
- Can I borrow Monse for a sec? - No! No need to borrow her.
She's all yours.
- Everything cool? - No! - We good? - I've been played.
Jasmine suckered Olivia into hanging out after school and Olivia just suckered me.
Can you believe that? I got double suckered.
That sucks.
[WATCH BEEPS.]
What the hell, man? You can't roll up on me like that.
I'm letting you borrow my watch.
It's synced with my phone timer.
Tick-tock! The time is ticking, so you better start talking.
He's coming this way.
What's up? Uh [CLEARS THROAT.]
- So, Olivia - No! - No? - I'm done talking about her.
I'm over getting rejected.
It's called self-respect.
So, from now on, I'm only into girls who are into me.
Hey! And who don't scare me.
Between us, I'm actually not even into girls.
I mean right now.
I'm tired of being one-note.
I gotta give this whole "all about a girl" thing a break and focus on being a titan of industry so that when I'm ready to be all about a girl again, I have the appropriate capital.
- And I have an idea for a business.
- What's the idea? It's huge.
I mean, so huge that I can't talk about it here.
Don't want to get Winklevoss-ed.
Okay, fine, here's the idea: it's an app.
Online Live Interactive Video Integration Application.
That's all I can say for now.
Jamal, come over after school.
Cesar, no offense, but this doesn't fall into your skill set.
- I have an A minus in computer science.
- Exactly.
And I have an A.
My job is done.
He's over her.
He's over her? Then what is this acronym for? Olivia.
Damn, he's not over her.
No shit, Cholock! And now I'm supposed to go over to his house after school! - I can't be alone with him.
- You won't be alone.
I'll tell him about the kiss before you get there.
- Then why do need to show? - I need you for post-convo damage control.
You're right.
I'm better with Ruby when he cries.
But you have to promise you're gonna get there first.
Nothing can stop me.
Go whack out those tags.
Keep your head on a swivel.
Prophets have been trolling.
Yeah, cool.
I just got to stop by Ruby's first and sort some shit out.
Or I'll knock this out first.
[WATCH BEEPS.]
Jamal! Could you put your phone down for two minutes? I'm talking about a billion-dollar idea here.
I'm texting Cesar.
He should be here by now.
- Damn it.
He doesn't have a phone.
- Did you invite Cesar? - No.
You did.
- No I was pretty explicit in my directive.
I said, "Jamal, come over after school.
" Not Jamal and Cesar.
In fact, I'm pretty clear I told Cesar this didn't fall in his skill set.
I didn't hear you say that.
Cesar, no offense, but this doesn't fall into your skill set.
Why are you recording our conversations? For any future litigation.
We have to be prepared to defend our IP.
I don't think that's legal.
You have to have two-party consent to record conversations.
- Are you sure? - Yes.
Great.
Just got your consent.
I didn't say you could do that.
[JASMINE.]
Oh.
Yes! Yo, what size are you? Oh, honey, no.
Well, excuse me for touching the cherished chonies.
I think it's pretty normal for people to not want you to touch their underwear.
Well, not if you're besties.
Monse, I thought this bitch was really gonna cramp our style, but Jasmonsolivia has a really nice ring to it, doesn't it? I take no responsibility for this.
You were properly warned weeks ago.
Everyone deserves a second chance.
[JASMINE BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Mira, mira! [EXHALES.]
Yes, right? It's good, right? [OLIVIA.]
Yas, kween.
- Your body, your choice.
- I think it might be a little tight.
Monse, you are last person who should be giving out fashion advice.
I mean, look at you in that doo-doo outfit.
Girl, why you trying to be comfortable all the time? Sometimes it's okay to leave your dignity at home.
Pop them titties.
Pop them titties.
Pop, pop, pop them titties.
So, Olivia, how's living with Ruby? He take a lot of showers? Follow my lead.
Oh, yeah, Ruby loves to get sudsy.
Nice.
Because you got to get clean before you get dirty.
Mmm.
So, tell me, does he ever loofah your choofa? Or teeter-totter your tatas? Huh? No.
But let's just say a shower cap isn't only for the hair on top, if you know what I mean.
Ugh, I can't wait to show him my shower curtains.
[GRUNTS.]
What else does he like? Um You've been asking a lot of questions about Ruby.
It almost seems like you're more interested in gathering intel on him than hanging out with us.
No.
I mean Well, I mean, I am interested in Ruby, but So, you admit it.
He's the only reason why you're here.
No! I like you guys too.
Sometimes.
Yeah.
Olivia, wasn't it Jasmine's idea to hang out? And wasn't it Jasmine who suggested we come to your house, which happens to be where Ruby showers? Convenient.
And hurtful.
I really don't like being used.
I think it would just be better if you gave us our space.
Guys, I am not using you.
Agh.
But I can see how bad this looks, so I'm gonna go.
No, you don't need to leave.
Just stand in the hall and reflect on your actions.
Are you su I'll just - You're good.
- Don't touch a bitch's chonies.
I feel like my brain got dry humped.
One sec.
Ah! [GRUNTS.]
- That's 15 more minutes.
- I deserve 20.
[OLIVIA.]
Hmm? [GRUNTS.]
I'm I'm sorry.
I'm scared for Ruby.
Ruby would appreciate that.
And a handy.
No pressure, but if you ever find yourself with time on your hands Ah Moving on.
Okay, so if not Ruby, then who would you be into? I don't know.
What about you? No one.
I don't believe that.
Well, maybe there's one guy.
[WATCH BEEPS.]
- Yo.
Yo, hey, come here.
- Yo, dog.
Get him! Get your ass over here.
Get back here.
Get him! [MAN.]
Yo! This is a business meeting and I'm starting to feel that you don't have the mettle to be COO.
I'm starting to feel like you should be in an alleyway hosting a tea party for stray cats.
- What? - You're going crazy! And there is no app.
And since there's no app, I'm out.
There is an app.
Tell me the name again.
Online Live Interactive Video Integration Application.
What are the odds? You're in deep.
Deeper than I thought.
I am.
I'm drowning.
I don't know what to do.
Do I give up? Do I try harder? Jamal, be my compass.
Steer me in the right direction.
Do you know anything that could help me Oliviate Agh! I mean, alleviate this obsession? Jasmine! Come! I can't.
I'm on blast.
I was kicking it with my bitches when those bitches kicked me out.
I guess I was all about the D.
Oh, interesting.
Ruby's having a similar problem.
Sans the D.
He's making everything about a girl.
I'll leave you two to discuss.
[JAMAL.]
Screw this.
Cesar's not here.
I'm out of here.
I don't need this.
[GASPS.]
Someone shot one of the homies.
Have you seen Cesar? He ain't answering his phone.
His phone ain't working.
Not that anyone broke it or anything.
It just died of natural causes.
If you see him, tell him I'm looking for him.
Yes, sir.
[POLICE SIREN BLARING.]
I'm still going.
I just wanted to give Oscar some lead time.
[HELICOPTER WHIRRING.]
One-time! [SCREAMS.]
[MAN.]
This is L.
A.
P.
D.
This block is on lockdown.
For your safety, remain inside until further advised.
[WATCH BEEPS.]
[HELICOPTER WHIRRING.]
[POLICE SIREN BLARING.]
[RUBY.]
What? I said, I can't believe we're stuck in the house with Oscar.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [CELL PHONE RINGS.]
Ma! Yeah, I'm safe.
No, I'm inside.
I'm not gonna starve.
We can make do.
[OSCAR SIGHS.]
Can I get you anything? Water? Coffee? Tea? Personal space.
Seriously.
Yo, why you so close to me? There's like five other seats.
I wanted to ask you something if that's okay.
But if it's not okay, I don't need to ask, even though I'm dying to know.
But I don't need to die.
Not that you'd kill me, but you could.
If I say yes, will you shut up? Do you know who Lil' Ricky is? Which Lil' Ricky? You talking about Baby Ricky's daddy or Tiny Ricky's son? Ricardo Galindo.
[LAUGHS.]
Ah, Lil' Ricky.
What you want with Lil' Ricky? He's the original veterano.
The OV.
- It doesn't work that way.
- My bad.
Is there anything you could tell me? Do I scare you? Yeah.
- Well, he scares me.
- Okay, bye.
My parents are stuck, which sucks 'cause they were on a Costco run.
- There's no snacks in the house.
- But if I don't have snacks - Tell me you have snacks in your purse.
- Boo, you know I do.
It's egg salad, but it's warm.
I'll take it.
[RUBY.]
Aw.
Why are you eating that? For the greater good.
Is that the sandwich? No, it's me.
I got the egg booty coughs.
- Oh, I swear to God, if you don't go away! - Okay.
She went into my room, didn't she? [CELL PHONE BUZZING.]
Where can I take this? There's no one in the bathroom.
¿Qué onda? [WATCH BEEPS.]
[MAN.]
Freeze.
Put your hands up.
[HELICOPTER WHIRRING.]
Okay, so you've been smashual with this dude since summer and now you want to go legit? Go legit.
What's the worst that can happen? The guys could stop talking to me, and our dynamic could change.
We've been super tight since fourth grade.
You're telling me none of them have ever had a girlfriend? Cesar's never had a girlfriend? Maybe once in sixth grade, but since then I don't know, he doesn't talk about that stuff with me.
What about Ruby? What if Ruby got a girlfriend? Yes! God, yes.
He'd probably unclench a little.
Maybe that's what they say about you.
You implying I'm uptight? No, but you just tend to overthink.
'Cause I don't have anyone to talk this guy stuff out with! - All my friends are dudes.
- And it's just you and your dad, right? Yeah.
Where is your mom? Don't know.
She left when I was little.
This is now becoming a sad-fest, so - I'm sorry.
- No, I'm sorry.
It's just kind of complicated right now in the mom front, which probably explains why I haven't ever rolled easy with the girls.
What are you talking about? You're totally a girl's girl.
Okay, you're 5150, 'cause I'm pretty sure being a girl's girl means having girlfriends.
- I've never had a real girlfriend before.
- Until now.
So, as your real girlfriend, I think you need to stop worrying about what the guys will or won't say and don't be afraid to bring this mystery dude around and introduce him to the crew.
- Or do they already know him? - They don't! But if they did, do you think that they'd care that I kept our sitch a secret for so long? - So, they do know him? - No! No, no.
No.
That's not what I meant.
Okay, I'm done sitting on the hot seat.
Your turn.
You feeling anyone at school? [SIGHS.]
- I don't kiss and tell.
- You kissed someone? There's a lockdown outside.
We know.
We can hear.
Okay.
Cool.
And also, if you're hungry, there aren't any snacks.
Got it.
And also, you may want to fill up on liquids since there's no food, but Oscar's taken over the bathroom and I don't think he's coming out anytime soon so you may want to dehydrate yourselves.
Why is Cesar's brother here? Olivia, Cesar.
I don't know anything about Cesar, Olivia.
Is it crazy hot in here? Yeah, we're in the middle of a heat wave.
Jamal, go get some ice.
- So, who'd you kiss? - Hey! Let's play a game.
[JAMAL PANTING.]
You can't turn the A/C up that high.
You're gonna blow the power.
I need to regulate my body temperature.
I have to pee so bad.
And I'm sprouting major turtle-head.
Will someone tell Oscar to get out of the bathroom? Go ahead.
I'll hold it.
What kind of games you wanna play? You guys feeling words, pictures, cards? How about a game that reveals your innermost feelings and secrets? Or KerPlunk? How about Smash, Marry, Kill? [ALL.]
Jamal! [JASMINE SIGHS.]
I think that was a sign that we shouldn't play this game.
- Can I talk to you in the kitchen? - No, thanks.
Jamal, if you come to the kitchen, - I'll show you where the snacks are.
- Coming.
- Where are the snacks? - There are no snacks.
God damn it.
Do you know how messed up that is? Space.
Space.
I need space.
I can't be cornered like this.
Hold on, I'm trying to tell you something.
And I'm trying not to tell you something.
You're not making any sense.
- You don't want me to.
- Look.
I'm just trying to say thanks.
You got Olivia out of her room to play a game with me.
I appreciate you for being such a good friend.
Yeah.
Hold on to that.
[LIQUID TRICKLING.]
Is it raining? It's not rain.
What? Who knows how long this is gonna take! - It could be all night.
- All night? Son, you're in deep.
Real deep.
- I had no choice.
- There's always a choice.
Who are you protecting? 'Cause I'll be honest with you, your story doesn't make sense.
I'm telling the truth.
I want to believe you, but I don't think you're that dumb.
Are you that dumb? Why wouldn't Olivia tell Monse? Because Olivia said that she keeps things private.
You don't understand anything about girls, do you? They don't even need to know each other to talk about it.
It's like they're transmitting this shit telepathically all the time.
- They are? - It's like VagiFi.
My ex-wife used to sync up with my daughter.
It's like their thoughts would exchange automatically.
I would come home, my shit would be done.
Your friend Jamal is not the wild card.
It's Olivia.
Can I use your phone? No.
You don't do this over the phone.
You lose the tone when you use the phone.
We got to get you there.
[ENGINE STARTS.]
[POLICE SIREN BLARES.]
Go, Ruby! We don't have all day.
Actually, we do.
We're locked in.
I'm a gentleman, I make love.
I don't smash.
Well then you're not doing it right, 'cause if you want a girl to bow, then you got to plow.
Right, Olivia? Anyways, Make love, Marry, Kill.
Maybe we should ixnay the urdermay.
We don't wanna poke the bear in the bathroom.
No more rewrites, Jamal.
I'll go first.
I'd kill Jasmine.
- I deserve that.
- I'd make love to Ruby.
That's really considerate, just as I would be as a lover.
- And then I'd marry Jamal.
- Seriously? Why not make love to me and marry Ruby? - We're married.
We're having sex.
- What about the marital death bed? Fine.
I'm changing my answer.
I'd make love to Jamal and marry Ruby.
Happy? I am.
Because even though we're married, we're having sex, and a lot of it.
She made me get clipped.
[OSCAR LAUGHS.]
Uh You want to play? Okay.
I'd kill you.
I'd kill you.
I'd smash you.
I'd smash you.
Fine.
I'd smash you too.
Then I'd kill you.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Let's keep playing.
You better run I'd marry Olivia.
Monse, you can be my side piece.
And I'd kill Jasmine.
- All right, now it's starting to hurt.
- Okay, my turn.
I'd make love to Monse.
Excuse me.
Can you say that slower? I'd make love to Monse.
[SIGHS.]
I'd marry Ruby.
- And I'd kill Jasmine.
- All y'all can suck a bag of buttholes.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Did you hear? That's the sign I've been looking for.
- A bag of buttholes? - No, Olivia said she'd marry me.
Is it an open marriage? [POLICE SIREN BLARES.]
I hate to break it to you, you're not my type.
Damn.
There goes my whole experimental phase.
Lasted all of two minutes.
[CHUCKLES.]
But don't worry, I'm not crushed unless you kiss like Cesar.
You kissed Cesar? On Halloween.
But don't tell anyone, I don't want things to get weird.
You kissed Olivia? Damn.
Young boy [CELL PHONE BEEPS.]
[GASPS.]
It wasn't me! Trying to rule the world, I see Well, I'll tell the truth I promise you This world may frown upon The things I have you do But I got taste And I got style I know the twist and turns To make your life worth while My brother, you could probably win In a shit-talking competition My composition's the opposition Of all the shit that Got me wishing to spit tragic The shit that get You deal crack And you spend cash on cement asses My heart burns in the fire of truth Got the heat of seven suns In the meteor treatment needed More brothers burn on WorldStar Than 1792 Won't act like I'm any better You are me, I am you We are hate, we are love As below, so above We got poison everywhere So what's a war on a drug? We at war with ourselves Talking war with no guns So if you had to meet yourself Would you go do it or run? Run from the devil
[ENGINE HUMMING.]
[TIRES SQUEAL.]
[CESAR.]
Please! You've got the wrong guy! You've got the wrong guy! Look, you've got the wrong guy! Please! You've got the wrong guy.
You've got the wrong guy.
[PANTING.]
- What - You think I wouldn't find out, fool? Oh, I got ojos everywhere.
- Twenty-four-seven, 365.
- What are you talking about? 'Sup, bitch? We know you kissed Olivia.
Why you got to do us like that, huh? Hey, I I [SCREAMS.]
[GRUNTS.]
- Why are you here? - I just wanted to be included.
Bitch! - We can talk this out.
- It's too late for talking.
Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.
I'm gonna give you a face for radio.
Mess him up.
No.
No, no, no, no.
[PANTING.]
It was a mistake.
I'm sorry! No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No! [PANTING.]
I got to get this on lockdown.
[JAMAL.]
What's up? - You look fried.
- Couldn't sleep last night.
I'd seriously consider Tempur-Pedic pillows.
Changed my life.
Or are we talking non-pillow issues? - Just some shit.
It's nothing.
- Is it drugs? You slinging? You stole a car? Held up a liquor store? - A drug store? A corner store? - No store.
Home invasion? Assault? Assault with a deadly weapon? Oh, my God, they made you kill someone, didn't they? Shh.
I really hope it wasn't a white person.
I didn't kill anyone.
- I kissed Olivia.
- What? - You kissed Olivia? - Shh.
Why tell me that? You know I can't keep a secret.
I call bullshit.
You've kept the football secret for months now.
Unless you all of a sudden developed glaucoma or became a pirate.
That's not funny.
Piracy's a problem.
And And And I'm cool with my own secrets.
Other people's? I've got nine hours tops.
And that's with perfect conditions.
If there are any extenuating circumstances, all bets are off.
I can't be too hungry or too full or too hot or too cold or feel physically cornered.
And what about Olivia? She lives with Ruby.
She could tell him at any moment.
Olivia's cool.
She's tight-lipped.
- You boned? - I'm talking about the lips on her face.
And we're in the middle of a heat wave.
- There's no way I can keep this in.
- Fine, I'll handle it.
What are you doing? You don't deliver heartbreak via text! You have to do it in person.
Ooh.
You'll thank me later.
[MONSE.]
Hey.
Wow.
You look not good.
I'm sorry.
I take full responsibility.
I shouldn't have blown you up every night.
And I promise I'll stop talking about the woman who may be my mom.
Oh, did I tell you? I found her on Facebook, but her account's private.
I haven't friended her yet, but I Googled her.
She's an author.
Do you think that's a sign or just a coincidence? I don't know, but listen, something's been weighing on me.
I know.
- You do? - Yeah.
And I'm in.
I'm ready to take things to the next level with us.
I can't keep our sitch a secret.
It's eating me up.
I feel you.
We have to figure out a way to tell the guys so they won't get pissed.
- Hey.
- What's up? Nothing.
Nothing's up.
- Can I borrow Monse for a sec? - No! No need to borrow her.
She's all yours.
- Everything cool? - No! - We good? - I've been played.
Jasmine suckered Olivia into hanging out after school and Olivia just suckered me.
Can you believe that? I got double suckered.
That sucks.
[WATCH BEEPS.]
What the hell, man? You can't roll up on me like that.
I'm letting you borrow my watch.
It's synced with my phone timer.
Tick-tock! The time is ticking, so you better start talking.
He's coming this way.
What's up? Uh [CLEARS THROAT.]
- So, Olivia - No! - No? - I'm done talking about her.
I'm over getting rejected.
It's called self-respect.
So, from now on, I'm only into girls who are into me.
Hey! And who don't scare me.
Between us, I'm actually not even into girls.
I mean right now.
I'm tired of being one-note.
I gotta give this whole "all about a girl" thing a break and focus on being a titan of industry so that when I'm ready to be all about a girl again, I have the appropriate capital.
- And I have an idea for a business.
- What's the idea? It's huge.
I mean, so huge that I can't talk about it here.
Don't want to get Winklevoss-ed.
Okay, fine, here's the idea: it's an app.
Online Live Interactive Video Integration Application.
That's all I can say for now.
Jamal, come over after school.
Cesar, no offense, but this doesn't fall into your skill set.
- I have an A minus in computer science.
- Exactly.
And I have an A.
My job is done.
He's over her.
He's over her? Then what is this acronym for? Olivia.
Damn, he's not over her.
No shit, Cholock! And now I'm supposed to go over to his house after school! - I can't be alone with him.
- You won't be alone.
I'll tell him about the kiss before you get there.
- Then why do need to show? - I need you for post-convo damage control.
You're right.
I'm better with Ruby when he cries.
But you have to promise you're gonna get there first.
Nothing can stop me.
Go whack out those tags.
Keep your head on a swivel.
Prophets have been trolling.
Yeah, cool.
I just got to stop by Ruby's first and sort some shit out.
Or I'll knock this out first.
[WATCH BEEPS.]
Jamal! Could you put your phone down for two minutes? I'm talking about a billion-dollar idea here.
I'm texting Cesar.
He should be here by now.
- Damn it.
He doesn't have a phone.
- Did you invite Cesar? - No.
You did.
- No I was pretty explicit in my directive.
I said, "Jamal, come over after school.
" Not Jamal and Cesar.
In fact, I'm pretty clear I told Cesar this didn't fall in his skill set.
I didn't hear you say that.
Cesar, no offense, but this doesn't fall into your skill set.
Why are you recording our conversations? For any future litigation.
We have to be prepared to defend our IP.
I don't think that's legal.
You have to have two-party consent to record conversations.
- Are you sure? - Yes.
Great.
Just got your consent.
I didn't say you could do that.
[JASMINE.]
Oh.
Yes! Yo, what size are you? Oh, honey, no.
Well, excuse me for touching the cherished chonies.
I think it's pretty normal for people to not want you to touch their underwear.
Well, not if you're besties.
Monse, I thought this bitch was really gonna cramp our style, but Jasmonsolivia has a really nice ring to it, doesn't it? I take no responsibility for this.
You were properly warned weeks ago.
Everyone deserves a second chance.
[JASMINE BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Mira, mira! [EXHALES.]
Yes, right? It's good, right? [OLIVIA.]
Yas, kween.
- Your body, your choice.
- I think it might be a little tight.
Monse, you are last person who should be giving out fashion advice.
I mean, look at you in that doo-doo outfit.
Girl, why you trying to be comfortable all the time? Sometimes it's okay to leave your dignity at home.
Pop them titties.
Pop them titties.
Pop, pop, pop them titties.
So, Olivia, how's living with Ruby? He take a lot of showers? Follow my lead.
Oh, yeah, Ruby loves to get sudsy.
Nice.
Because you got to get clean before you get dirty.
Mmm.
So, tell me, does he ever loofah your choofa? Or teeter-totter your tatas? Huh? No.
But let's just say a shower cap isn't only for the hair on top, if you know what I mean.
Ugh, I can't wait to show him my shower curtains.
[GRUNTS.]
What else does he like? Um You've been asking a lot of questions about Ruby.
It almost seems like you're more interested in gathering intel on him than hanging out with us.
No.
I mean Well, I mean, I am interested in Ruby, but So, you admit it.
He's the only reason why you're here.
No! I like you guys too.
Sometimes.
Yeah.
Olivia, wasn't it Jasmine's idea to hang out? And wasn't it Jasmine who suggested we come to your house, which happens to be where Ruby showers? Convenient.
And hurtful.
I really don't like being used.
I think it would just be better if you gave us our space.
Guys, I am not using you.
Agh.
But I can see how bad this looks, so I'm gonna go.
No, you don't need to leave.
Just stand in the hall and reflect on your actions.
Are you su I'll just - You're good.
- Don't touch a bitch's chonies.
I feel like my brain got dry humped.
One sec.
Ah! [GRUNTS.]
- That's 15 more minutes.
- I deserve 20.
[OLIVIA.]
Hmm? [GRUNTS.]
I'm I'm sorry.
I'm scared for Ruby.
Ruby would appreciate that.
And a handy.
No pressure, but if you ever find yourself with time on your hands Ah Moving on.
Okay, so if not Ruby, then who would you be into? I don't know.
What about you? No one.
I don't believe that.
Well, maybe there's one guy.
[WATCH BEEPS.]
- Yo.
Yo, hey, come here.
- Yo, dog.
Get him! Get your ass over here.
Get back here.
Get him! [MAN.]
Yo! This is a business meeting and I'm starting to feel that you don't have the mettle to be COO.
I'm starting to feel like you should be in an alleyway hosting a tea party for stray cats.
- What? - You're going crazy! And there is no app.
And since there's no app, I'm out.
There is an app.
Tell me the name again.
Online Live Interactive Video Integration Application.
What are the odds? You're in deep.
Deeper than I thought.
I am.
I'm drowning.
I don't know what to do.
Do I give up? Do I try harder? Jamal, be my compass.
Steer me in the right direction.
Do you know anything that could help me Oliviate Agh! I mean, alleviate this obsession? Jasmine! Come! I can't.
I'm on blast.
I was kicking it with my bitches when those bitches kicked me out.
I guess I was all about the D.
Oh, interesting.
Ruby's having a similar problem.
Sans the D.
He's making everything about a girl.
I'll leave you two to discuss.
[JAMAL.]
Screw this.
Cesar's not here.
I'm out of here.
I don't need this.
[GASPS.]
Someone shot one of the homies.
Have you seen Cesar? He ain't answering his phone.
His phone ain't working.
Not that anyone broke it or anything.
It just died of natural causes.
If you see him, tell him I'm looking for him.
Yes, sir.
[POLICE SIREN BLARING.]
I'm still going.
I just wanted to give Oscar some lead time.
[HELICOPTER WHIRRING.]
One-time! [SCREAMS.]
[MAN.]
This is L.
A.
P.
D.
This block is on lockdown.
For your safety, remain inside until further advised.
[WATCH BEEPS.]
[HELICOPTER WHIRRING.]
[POLICE SIREN BLARING.]
[RUBY.]
What? I said, I can't believe we're stuck in the house with Oscar.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [CELL PHONE RINGS.]
Ma! Yeah, I'm safe.
No, I'm inside.
I'm not gonna starve.
We can make do.
[OSCAR SIGHS.]
Can I get you anything? Water? Coffee? Tea? Personal space.
Seriously.
Yo, why you so close to me? There's like five other seats.
I wanted to ask you something if that's okay.
But if it's not okay, I don't need to ask, even though I'm dying to know.
But I don't need to die.
Not that you'd kill me, but you could.
If I say yes, will you shut up? Do you know who Lil' Ricky is? Which Lil' Ricky? You talking about Baby Ricky's daddy or Tiny Ricky's son? Ricardo Galindo.
[LAUGHS.]
Ah, Lil' Ricky.
What you want with Lil' Ricky? He's the original veterano.
The OV.
- It doesn't work that way.
- My bad.
Is there anything you could tell me? Do I scare you? Yeah.
- Well, he scares me.
- Okay, bye.
My parents are stuck, which sucks 'cause they were on a Costco run.
- There's no snacks in the house.
- But if I don't have snacks - Tell me you have snacks in your purse.
- Boo, you know I do.
It's egg salad, but it's warm.
I'll take it.
[RUBY.]
Aw.
Why are you eating that? For the greater good.
Is that the sandwich? No, it's me.
I got the egg booty coughs.
- Oh, I swear to God, if you don't go away! - Okay.
She went into my room, didn't she? [CELL PHONE BUZZING.]
Where can I take this? There's no one in the bathroom.
¿Qué onda? [WATCH BEEPS.]
[MAN.]
Freeze.
Put your hands up.
[HELICOPTER WHIRRING.]
Okay, so you've been smashual with this dude since summer and now you want to go legit? Go legit.
What's the worst that can happen? The guys could stop talking to me, and our dynamic could change.
We've been super tight since fourth grade.
You're telling me none of them have ever had a girlfriend? Cesar's never had a girlfriend? Maybe once in sixth grade, but since then I don't know, he doesn't talk about that stuff with me.
What about Ruby? What if Ruby got a girlfriend? Yes! God, yes.
He'd probably unclench a little.
Maybe that's what they say about you.
You implying I'm uptight? No, but you just tend to overthink.
'Cause I don't have anyone to talk this guy stuff out with! - All my friends are dudes.
- And it's just you and your dad, right? Yeah.
Where is your mom? Don't know.
She left when I was little.
This is now becoming a sad-fest, so - I'm sorry.
- No, I'm sorry.
It's just kind of complicated right now in the mom front, which probably explains why I haven't ever rolled easy with the girls.
What are you talking about? You're totally a girl's girl.
Okay, you're 5150, 'cause I'm pretty sure being a girl's girl means having girlfriends.
- I've never had a real girlfriend before.
- Until now.
So, as your real girlfriend, I think you need to stop worrying about what the guys will or won't say and don't be afraid to bring this mystery dude around and introduce him to the crew.
- Or do they already know him? - They don't! But if they did, do you think that they'd care that I kept our sitch a secret for so long? - So, they do know him? - No! No, no.
No.
That's not what I meant.
Okay, I'm done sitting on the hot seat.
Your turn.
You feeling anyone at school? [SIGHS.]
- I don't kiss and tell.
- You kissed someone? There's a lockdown outside.
We know.
We can hear.
Okay.
Cool.
And also, if you're hungry, there aren't any snacks.
Got it.
And also, you may want to fill up on liquids since there's no food, but Oscar's taken over the bathroom and I don't think he's coming out anytime soon so you may want to dehydrate yourselves.
Why is Cesar's brother here? Olivia, Cesar.
I don't know anything about Cesar, Olivia.
Is it crazy hot in here? Yeah, we're in the middle of a heat wave.
Jamal, go get some ice.
- So, who'd you kiss? - Hey! Let's play a game.
[JAMAL PANTING.]
You can't turn the A/C up that high.
You're gonna blow the power.
I need to regulate my body temperature.
I have to pee so bad.
And I'm sprouting major turtle-head.
Will someone tell Oscar to get out of the bathroom? Go ahead.
I'll hold it.
What kind of games you wanna play? You guys feeling words, pictures, cards? How about a game that reveals your innermost feelings and secrets? Or KerPlunk? How about Smash, Marry, Kill? [ALL.]
Jamal! [JASMINE SIGHS.]
I think that was a sign that we shouldn't play this game.
- Can I talk to you in the kitchen? - No, thanks.
Jamal, if you come to the kitchen, - I'll show you where the snacks are.
- Coming.
- Where are the snacks? - There are no snacks.
God damn it.
Do you know how messed up that is? Space.
Space.
I need space.
I can't be cornered like this.
Hold on, I'm trying to tell you something.
And I'm trying not to tell you something.
You're not making any sense.
- You don't want me to.
- Look.
I'm just trying to say thanks.
You got Olivia out of her room to play a game with me.
I appreciate you for being such a good friend.
Yeah.
Hold on to that.
[LIQUID TRICKLING.]
Is it raining? It's not rain.
What? Who knows how long this is gonna take! - It could be all night.
- All night? Son, you're in deep.
Real deep.
- I had no choice.
- There's always a choice.
Who are you protecting? 'Cause I'll be honest with you, your story doesn't make sense.
I'm telling the truth.
I want to believe you, but I don't think you're that dumb.
Are you that dumb? Why wouldn't Olivia tell Monse? Because Olivia said that she keeps things private.
You don't understand anything about girls, do you? They don't even need to know each other to talk about it.
It's like they're transmitting this shit telepathically all the time.
- They are? - It's like VagiFi.
My ex-wife used to sync up with my daughter.
It's like their thoughts would exchange automatically.
I would come home, my shit would be done.
Your friend Jamal is not the wild card.
It's Olivia.
Can I use your phone? No.
You don't do this over the phone.
You lose the tone when you use the phone.
We got to get you there.
[ENGINE STARTS.]
[POLICE SIREN BLARES.]
Go, Ruby! We don't have all day.
Actually, we do.
We're locked in.
I'm a gentleman, I make love.
I don't smash.
Well then you're not doing it right, 'cause if you want a girl to bow, then you got to plow.
Right, Olivia? Anyways, Make love, Marry, Kill.
Maybe we should ixnay the urdermay.
We don't wanna poke the bear in the bathroom.
No more rewrites, Jamal.
I'll go first.
I'd kill Jasmine.
- I deserve that.
- I'd make love to Ruby.
That's really considerate, just as I would be as a lover.
- And then I'd marry Jamal.
- Seriously? Why not make love to me and marry Ruby? - We're married.
We're having sex.
- What about the marital death bed? Fine.
I'm changing my answer.
I'd make love to Jamal and marry Ruby.
Happy? I am.
Because even though we're married, we're having sex, and a lot of it.
She made me get clipped.
[OSCAR LAUGHS.]
Uh You want to play? Okay.
I'd kill you.
I'd kill you.
I'd smash you.
I'd smash you.
Fine.
I'd smash you too.
Then I'd kill you.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Let's keep playing.
You better run I'd marry Olivia.
Monse, you can be my side piece.
And I'd kill Jasmine.
- All right, now it's starting to hurt.
- Okay, my turn.
I'd make love to Monse.
Excuse me.
Can you say that slower? I'd make love to Monse.
[SIGHS.]
I'd marry Ruby.
- And I'd kill Jasmine.
- All y'all can suck a bag of buttholes.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Did you hear? That's the sign I've been looking for.
- A bag of buttholes? - No, Olivia said she'd marry me.
Is it an open marriage? [POLICE SIREN BLARES.]
I hate to break it to you, you're not my type.
Damn.
There goes my whole experimental phase.
Lasted all of two minutes.
[CHUCKLES.]
But don't worry, I'm not crushed unless you kiss like Cesar.
You kissed Cesar? On Halloween.
But don't tell anyone, I don't want things to get weird.
You kissed Olivia? Damn.
Young boy [CELL PHONE BEEPS.]
[GASPS.]
It wasn't me! Trying to rule the world, I see Well, I'll tell the truth I promise you This world may frown upon The things I have you do But I got taste And I got style I know the twist and turns To make your life worth while My brother, you could probably win In a shit-talking competition My composition's the opposition Of all the shit that Got me wishing to spit tragic The shit that get You deal crack And you spend cash on cement asses My heart burns in the fire of truth Got the heat of seven suns In the meteor treatment needed More brothers burn on WorldStar Than 1792 Won't act like I'm any better You are me, I am you We are hate, we are love As below, so above We got poison everywhere So what's a war on a drug? We at war with ourselves Talking war with no guns So if you had to meet yourself Would you go do it or run? Run from the devil