On the Couch (2013) s01e05 Episode Script
Episode 5
CLOCK TICKS.
SIGHS.
Well I wrote the forgiveness list I said I'd do last week.
Ok.
Things that I forgive Dudley for.
Oh my God, I can't even read me own writing, ha, ha! I forgive Dudley for, making me come to therapy.
I will say, that I was against it at first.
But I'd recommend it to anyone, even though it is a bit pricey.
It's AB-solutely worth the money.
We're doing much better as a result, aren't we Dudley? Now, it hasn't been easy.
No, it wasn't.
I forgive Dudley for, nearly wrecking our holiday to Portobanus.
We go every year with our friends Zoe and Jackie and we've a great time.
I've been dreading it since the affair, but I have to say, I'm really looking forward to it now.
So I forgive you for that.
Eh I forgive you for, scraping the car coming out of the car park at Crazy Prices.
Ha, ha! Guilty as charged.
And I forgive Dudley for accusing Kay over making the anonymous phonecall.
When I was writing de list, a lot of feelings came up for me, you know? And eh I think that I am finally ready, since Dudley apologised to Jade.
To forgive him, for the affair.
Thank you.
(WHISPERS) Thank you.
The thing I find hardest to let go of Is that you lied to me, Dudley.
Ya lied to me.
And I em You lied to me.
It's been a fairly good week.
Although, Carmel actually, slipped on the doorstep.
It gets very slippery there sometimes.
She actually sprained her ankle.
She's actually been recuperating on the settee all week.
I've been running around looking after her.
I've even had to take a few days off work.
Isn't that right Carmel? Oh, yeah.
The boy, whom Dargan stands accused of beating into a coma, Jason Livingston, has woken up.
And talking.
Like Billy-o.
Full memory recall.
Full motor function.
Full This is a real problem.
This couldn't have come at a worse time for me.
You're telling me! I'm on the cover of the Sunday Indo mag this week, with Love Haiti.
You know? I have worked, SO hard, to get that.
There's always been a lot of resentment in my family over our success.
They 'tink I don't know what they're sayin' about me.
About us, you know? It's like It's like you're damned if you do, and damned if you don't with them.
Like if you don't buy a round, you're tight.
And if you do, you're showing off.
I'm not stupid.
I know what they're sayin' about me.
I know what they're sayin' about us.
I know what they think.
I know how they think.
But I could always handle that, you know? When it was you and me, Dudley.
It's always been you and me against the world.
SOBS.
And now all of a sudden, I feel like he's laughing at me too! Ah no.
No.
Like everyone's laughing at me.
SOBS LOUDLY.
I felt so alone.
That I just I booked a ticket to England.
I was going to leave.
I've a cousin in Birmingham, I could stay with her.
I just couldn't bear it.
You were going to leave? Yeah.
No.
I was looking after Carmel for the week, really.
So I did the shop.
I organised a bed for her, down on the sofa, with the TV.
It was just like old times, wasn't it? The two of us sitting there watching telly.
It was nice sitting there, with the hot chocolate and the cookies.
Oh, the ice-cream float was gorgeous.
Brendan's been doing all the cooking.
Well obviously, because you know, you've sprained your ankle there.
You haven't been able to cook.
I haven't been to Slenderize there.
Last week, I think, the day after we were here, (WHISPERS) I put on a bit of weight.
You'd hardly notice.
You need a bit of weight, for when you're not so well.
I was actually heading out the door to Slenderize, and that's when I slipped and sprained the ankle.
It was an accident.
Terrible terrible accident.
Of course it was, sure.
I-I-I'm an awful klutz.
My mother always said, I'd fall down if I was lying on the ground.
LAUGHS.
I have got the top neurologist coming in from the US.
I'm flying him in personally, Jakub-Kreutzfeld.
You know about him - he's the finest amnesia expert in the world.
He'll discredit this boy's testimony.
He'll rubbish it.
End of.
Yes, but Graham, they've got James McGinty prosecuting.
He's doing it for free.
That guy could make Mother Teresa look like a crack whore.
Ok, so it'll be a contest.
You know why he's doing it for free? Because he's going to be the darling of the media.
Who's going to get it? Who'll they go for? Me.
The woman.
Yeah, it's always the woman.
Ah, the liberal commentariat.
They claim they're championing the cause of the working mother, are they fuck! They're going to eat me alive.
They are.
They're going to eat, you, alive.
Oh, Jesus.
But I'm not going to idly stand by and let that media scum throw my wife, to the wolves.
No way.
I am nothing without you Sylvia.
Nobody understands me like you.
Look at the life we have built together.
You gave me two beautiful daughters.
Our girls.
Look at the magnificent home that you made for us.
The beautiful love we made on our own.
You are my world.
I betrayed you, yes.
I lied to you, But you I was a fool, I'll regret what I've done for the rest of me life, until my dyin' day Sylvia.
I love you.
Look at me Sylvia, look at me.
I will never, ever lie to you again.
SOBS.
I will never, ever lie to you again Sylvia.
D'ya swear it? I swear it on me Ma's grave.
I do believe him.
Because he absolutely idolised his Ma.
She died, August 10th, 1986.
I'll never forget her.
She suffered terribly in the end.
Well I don't think Carmel wants to go all the time.
She certainly hasn't been able to, because of her sprained ankle.
So yes, I've been doing the cooking.
Many men do, it's not unnormal.
Yes I DO, think I'm being supportive of Carmel's diet, yes.
I have been eating ice-cream and chocolate with her, yes, I have, in moderation.
She's lost the weight, so what is she now, a lifer? I do not, prefer Carmel to be fat.
I don't care what way she is.
I certainly didn't marry her on the basis that she'd be one way or another.
In fact, any man that does marry a woman on the basis of the way she's going to look is going to be sorely disappointed.
In that case most marriages wouldn't last 25 years, because most women don't look very good after that time.
Or even long before it.
Is this, what our forefathers fought for? Let me tell you one thing.
I'm a Republican.
My great, great-grandfather, was Viceroy to all India.
My Bah-mum's people, can be traced all the way back to the very first settlements of Red Hugh O'Donnell.
I am both sides.
I am Ireland.
Yes it is relevant.
I'll tell you why.
This is a country, of saints and scholars.
Of literary geniuses, and of actors from the Abbey Theatre, who fought with a raggle-taggle army against the forces of oppression.
And for WHAT? Do we really want to trade, our poetic beauty, for some imported tabloid sleaze? Who do you want to read? Seamus Heaney? Or the Sun? They are going to tear us to shreds.
And they do not care who they take down in the process.
Oh I do know.
I know alright.
I know what they did to my Mammy! Jade? Jade is still acting up, you know? But I feel, she's got herself stuck in a rut with that behaviour, and she is just going to have to work it out.
But I feel the two of us are on it together now and we can totally tackle it.
Because there last week at the X-Factor heat, she was due for rehearsal.
No sign of her.
Phone's gone straight to voice-mail, can't get through to her.
Five minutes before she's supposed to go on, Jade storms in, I mean poor Edel, I nearly had to give her something to calm her down.
Anyway, Jade storms in, is she wearing her her costume? No.
She wore little denim shorts, ripped tights, Doc Martens and a bra top! I like the aesthetic though, there's a lot of attitude to it! She rips out onto the stage, she doesn't do the song we've rehearsed, and Edel is standing there, doesn't know what's going on, and Jade starts singing the Katy Perry song, 'I Kissed A Girl'.
Now, I wouldn't have picken it.
The song, the costume, none of it.
The judges were on their feet.
She AB-solutely stormed it.
She nailed it.
I don't know what Dudley said to her, but it's really after hitting home.
He is making cakes to beat the band.
Well, it's as easy to make 3 as 1.
I'm sitting in on the sofa and getting these smells, they are driving me wild.
(WHISPERS) I waited until he was asleep, and I crept.
.
oh! Listen to me whispering! I went into the kitchen and I I didn't touch the sponges now, but I eh I let myself go a bit.
I got a ladder out of the shed and climbed up to the top press.
Brendan's mother always gives us a Christmas cake, she makes it in April.
I ate the whole thing.
MUSIC please Moya, let me finish.
That our fear of the press is somehow rooted in our vanity.
I think we've got bigger fish to fry! No.
If you must know, my Mummy killed my Daddy.
Ok? Strychnine.
Of course, the fact she was drunk at the time wasn't taken into account by the court.
Or by the press.
Oh no.
They just dubbed her, Queen Rat.
Try being a pubescent teenager, starting a new school, with that as your meet and greet.
(UNDER HER BREATH) God.
I understand Moya's loneliness.
Her isolation.
I felt the same.
I remember when my Dad Mungo got married to his fourth wife, Lil.
I never met her.
They sent me some wedding cake, at my school.
I thought, 'What the hell is this?'.
Then it dawned on me.
They'd gotten married.
They hadn't told me.
I had to stand there in front of my whole school, and tell them my Dad had gotten married to a woman, that I didn't even know.
It doesn't take any particular courage or strength of character to get through these situations.
You get through them because you have to.
You've no choice.
I was just a bloody kid.
What are we supposed to do? Tell me, you know? Because I don't know.
What are we supposed to do? Just sit and wait, like lambs to the slaughter? Of course I'm afraid.
Bloody petrified.
What Jade eh, said I cannot tell you.
What do you mean you can't tell me Dudley? Why? I said I'd tell the truth, right? Yeah.
And the truth is, is that I'm afraid to tell you what she said.
(GASPS) Well obviously it doesn't feel great, to hear your husband saying he's afraid to tell ya something.
But em Jade has always been a Daddy's girl.
She's always been closer to Dudley than me.
I'm ok with that.
It happens, you know? Just tell me Dudley.
I-I-I.
.
Come on, how bad can it be? Just tell me Dudley! Why won't you tell me? I-I-I've always been a night feeder.
Very early on in our marriage, well, Brendan would always crash out pretty quickly, and I wouldn't be able to, my mind would be going.
I'd start thinking of something in the fridge.
Something like a Calvita triangle.
And I'd just think you know, maybe I'll just have a little bit of cheese and crackers, and that, you know? After I'd have a night feed, I'd feel peaceful, for a while.
Then, the negative voices would start up in me head.
'Go on out of that Carmel, ya greedy little pig.
'.
M-M-My mother wasn't one to mince her words.
She was always on about me being pudgy, you know? She is an appalling woman.
She did her best.
Then it'd be the other way around in the morning.
I wouldn't be able to get up, I'd feel that blue.
When you ask me if I can relate my fear to Dargan's, well that would actually be dependent on the fact, that Dargan was capable of feeling fear, which quite clearly he's not.
I mean, myself and Graham, have been in denial about Dargan for sometime.
Dargan quite simply is a sociopath.
Yeah.
That's been corroborated by the FBI profiling report we got done.
As Moya quite rightly points out as well, the top 1% by the way.
As Moya quite rightly points out, the evidence has been there from early on.
When he was 3, he barbecued his own rabbit.
I mean, the fact that he's a sociopath, is not necessarily a bad thing.
Most world leaders score pretty highly on that test themselves.
However, as a pubescent boy, in a household that is free and open, and full of other children, it is a problem we can no longer deny.
He's wrecked our lives.
He's caused untold havoc.
Reaped untold destruction.
And he's caused huge embarrassment to his parents.
I think we've really got to look at the options here.
Tsk.
I think it may be time to part.
To part company.
Is it drugs? No it's not.
Is she not going to go to college? No.
Pregnant.
No it's not that.
Is she going out with one of the Fletchers? No, it's none of them.
Well, what is it Dudley? Why don't you just tell me? Jade is gay.
Shut up! Jade is a lesbian.
No, shut up! Shut up Dudley, shut up! Jade is a lesbian No! She's going out with Tamara the gym instructor.
Shut up, shut up! No! Not my Jade, no way, shut up! Shut up Dudley! No! Yes.
I do think food did replace sex for me.
We haven't had sex for years.
And even when we did, it wasn't enough.
I was looking, for sex in the fridge.
So much, though, that I got to 22 stone.
We wanted to believe Dargan, we really did.
Who doesn't want to believe their own child? But he is guilty.
Absolutely.
I mean, the evidence is there.
I found his phone, and the SIM card, it's all on there.
His friends had filmed it, but it quite clearly shows, it was Dargan who delivered the blows.
I destroyed the phone, and the SIM card.
I had to.
Well, broadly speaking, I'm in favour of justice being served.
And all that.
But just in this case, I think there's too many important and innocent people, who are going to be compromised.
How's that justice? Who knows? I cannot answer that question, I don't have that information to hand.
The information I do have in my possession, at this point in time, is that Jade is gay and she's engaged in a relationship with Tamara her gym instructor.
I knew she was up to no good, that Tamara one.
And that they have been spending nights together in Noel and Kay's flat.
What? That is the information I have to hand.
Kay.
I might have known.
I am not controlling Carmel with food! She had a sprained ankle and I was looking after you.
If my ankle, was well enough for me, to go out to the shed, and get that ladder, and climb up there and eat that feckin cake, it was well enough to climb the stairs to bed.
Well you must've been putting it on then.
No, because that's where you wanted me.
You wanted me out of the bed, on the couch, and eating gunge, because I'm easier to control that way.
(EXHALES FORCEFULLY) STOP playing the victim.
Stop playing the victim.
I never stopped you going to Slenderize.
Oh no, but you weren't one bit interested in it.
When I told you I was going off to Slenderize, you marched out to the porch, in a sulk.
What are you saying? That I deliberately made you slip? O-O-On the porch? By making it wet? Are you saying I got the watering can and made you slip by deliberately making it wet? Brendan, where was the mat? What did you do with the mat, Brendan? Em the mat.
.
got wet.
So I had to dry it.
God, Brendan.
You must think I'm some ninny! Oh, God! We've got Dargan on Ritalin and a cocktail of antipsychotics.
Yeah, my only fear is that he becomes catatonic in court.
We've got to get the balance right.
We don't want him leering in the dock, or shouting expletives or threatening to burn the place down here.
It's such a cruel, cruel world, it really is.
Our hard earned reputations are going to be shattered.
All for the sake of a few tawdry headlines.
Fucking boy.
Of course, this could just be a phase.
Of course it is.
It's ridiculous.
I mean, girls can't do it.
There's nothing to Jesus.
She also claims she's tried to come out to us on a number of occasions, but that we have been unwilling to listen.
Oh, dat is rich.
She does what she likes, Jade, she always has.
You spoiled her Dudley.
I don't think spoiling somebody is the root cause of their sexuality.
Stop it.
GROANS.
When I get me hands on her.
I love you, Carmel.
I'm the man who married you.
And I'd do anything for you, Carmel.
I'll do anything for you.
Please.
Anything.
Will you be my lover, Brendan? Yes, I will be your lover.
Well, we'll see.
We'll see whether it's just more guff, or whether you're really serious this time.
Because Brendan, they better not be crocodile tears.
MUSIC
SIGHS.
Well I wrote the forgiveness list I said I'd do last week.
Ok.
Things that I forgive Dudley for.
Oh my God, I can't even read me own writing, ha, ha! I forgive Dudley for, making me come to therapy.
I will say, that I was against it at first.
But I'd recommend it to anyone, even though it is a bit pricey.
It's AB-solutely worth the money.
We're doing much better as a result, aren't we Dudley? Now, it hasn't been easy.
No, it wasn't.
I forgive Dudley for, nearly wrecking our holiday to Portobanus.
We go every year with our friends Zoe and Jackie and we've a great time.
I've been dreading it since the affair, but I have to say, I'm really looking forward to it now.
So I forgive you for that.
Eh I forgive you for, scraping the car coming out of the car park at Crazy Prices.
Ha, ha! Guilty as charged.
And I forgive Dudley for accusing Kay over making the anonymous phonecall.
When I was writing de list, a lot of feelings came up for me, you know? And eh I think that I am finally ready, since Dudley apologised to Jade.
To forgive him, for the affair.
Thank you.
(WHISPERS) Thank you.
The thing I find hardest to let go of Is that you lied to me, Dudley.
Ya lied to me.
And I em You lied to me.
It's been a fairly good week.
Although, Carmel actually, slipped on the doorstep.
It gets very slippery there sometimes.
She actually sprained her ankle.
She's actually been recuperating on the settee all week.
I've been running around looking after her.
I've even had to take a few days off work.
Isn't that right Carmel? Oh, yeah.
The boy, whom Dargan stands accused of beating into a coma, Jason Livingston, has woken up.
And talking.
Like Billy-o.
Full memory recall.
Full motor function.
Full This is a real problem.
This couldn't have come at a worse time for me.
You're telling me! I'm on the cover of the Sunday Indo mag this week, with Love Haiti.
You know? I have worked, SO hard, to get that.
There's always been a lot of resentment in my family over our success.
They 'tink I don't know what they're sayin' about me.
About us, you know? It's like It's like you're damned if you do, and damned if you don't with them.
Like if you don't buy a round, you're tight.
And if you do, you're showing off.
I'm not stupid.
I know what they're sayin' about me.
I know what they're sayin' about us.
I know what they think.
I know how they think.
But I could always handle that, you know? When it was you and me, Dudley.
It's always been you and me against the world.
SOBS.
And now all of a sudden, I feel like he's laughing at me too! Ah no.
No.
Like everyone's laughing at me.
SOBS LOUDLY.
I felt so alone.
That I just I booked a ticket to England.
I was going to leave.
I've a cousin in Birmingham, I could stay with her.
I just couldn't bear it.
You were going to leave? Yeah.
No.
I was looking after Carmel for the week, really.
So I did the shop.
I organised a bed for her, down on the sofa, with the TV.
It was just like old times, wasn't it? The two of us sitting there watching telly.
It was nice sitting there, with the hot chocolate and the cookies.
Oh, the ice-cream float was gorgeous.
Brendan's been doing all the cooking.
Well obviously, because you know, you've sprained your ankle there.
You haven't been able to cook.
I haven't been to Slenderize there.
Last week, I think, the day after we were here, (WHISPERS) I put on a bit of weight.
You'd hardly notice.
You need a bit of weight, for when you're not so well.
I was actually heading out the door to Slenderize, and that's when I slipped and sprained the ankle.
It was an accident.
Terrible terrible accident.
Of course it was, sure.
I-I-I'm an awful klutz.
My mother always said, I'd fall down if I was lying on the ground.
LAUGHS.
I have got the top neurologist coming in from the US.
I'm flying him in personally, Jakub-Kreutzfeld.
You know about him - he's the finest amnesia expert in the world.
He'll discredit this boy's testimony.
He'll rubbish it.
End of.
Yes, but Graham, they've got James McGinty prosecuting.
He's doing it for free.
That guy could make Mother Teresa look like a crack whore.
Ok, so it'll be a contest.
You know why he's doing it for free? Because he's going to be the darling of the media.
Who's going to get it? Who'll they go for? Me.
The woman.
Yeah, it's always the woman.
Ah, the liberal commentariat.
They claim they're championing the cause of the working mother, are they fuck! They're going to eat me alive.
They are.
They're going to eat, you, alive.
Oh, Jesus.
But I'm not going to idly stand by and let that media scum throw my wife, to the wolves.
No way.
I am nothing without you Sylvia.
Nobody understands me like you.
Look at the life we have built together.
You gave me two beautiful daughters.
Our girls.
Look at the magnificent home that you made for us.
The beautiful love we made on our own.
You are my world.
I betrayed you, yes.
I lied to you, But you I was a fool, I'll regret what I've done for the rest of me life, until my dyin' day Sylvia.
I love you.
Look at me Sylvia, look at me.
I will never, ever lie to you again.
SOBS.
I will never, ever lie to you again Sylvia.
D'ya swear it? I swear it on me Ma's grave.
I do believe him.
Because he absolutely idolised his Ma.
She died, August 10th, 1986.
I'll never forget her.
She suffered terribly in the end.
Well I don't think Carmel wants to go all the time.
She certainly hasn't been able to, because of her sprained ankle.
So yes, I've been doing the cooking.
Many men do, it's not unnormal.
Yes I DO, think I'm being supportive of Carmel's diet, yes.
I have been eating ice-cream and chocolate with her, yes, I have, in moderation.
She's lost the weight, so what is she now, a lifer? I do not, prefer Carmel to be fat.
I don't care what way she is.
I certainly didn't marry her on the basis that she'd be one way or another.
In fact, any man that does marry a woman on the basis of the way she's going to look is going to be sorely disappointed.
In that case most marriages wouldn't last 25 years, because most women don't look very good after that time.
Or even long before it.
Is this, what our forefathers fought for? Let me tell you one thing.
I'm a Republican.
My great, great-grandfather, was Viceroy to all India.
My Bah-mum's people, can be traced all the way back to the very first settlements of Red Hugh O'Donnell.
I am both sides.
I am Ireland.
Yes it is relevant.
I'll tell you why.
This is a country, of saints and scholars.
Of literary geniuses, and of actors from the Abbey Theatre, who fought with a raggle-taggle army against the forces of oppression.
And for WHAT? Do we really want to trade, our poetic beauty, for some imported tabloid sleaze? Who do you want to read? Seamus Heaney? Or the Sun? They are going to tear us to shreds.
And they do not care who they take down in the process.
Oh I do know.
I know alright.
I know what they did to my Mammy! Jade? Jade is still acting up, you know? But I feel, she's got herself stuck in a rut with that behaviour, and she is just going to have to work it out.
But I feel the two of us are on it together now and we can totally tackle it.
Because there last week at the X-Factor heat, she was due for rehearsal.
No sign of her.
Phone's gone straight to voice-mail, can't get through to her.
Five minutes before she's supposed to go on, Jade storms in, I mean poor Edel, I nearly had to give her something to calm her down.
Anyway, Jade storms in, is she wearing her her costume? No.
She wore little denim shorts, ripped tights, Doc Martens and a bra top! I like the aesthetic though, there's a lot of attitude to it! She rips out onto the stage, she doesn't do the song we've rehearsed, and Edel is standing there, doesn't know what's going on, and Jade starts singing the Katy Perry song, 'I Kissed A Girl'.
Now, I wouldn't have picken it.
The song, the costume, none of it.
The judges were on their feet.
She AB-solutely stormed it.
She nailed it.
I don't know what Dudley said to her, but it's really after hitting home.
He is making cakes to beat the band.
Well, it's as easy to make 3 as 1.
I'm sitting in on the sofa and getting these smells, they are driving me wild.
(WHISPERS) I waited until he was asleep, and I crept.
.
oh! Listen to me whispering! I went into the kitchen and I I didn't touch the sponges now, but I eh I let myself go a bit.
I got a ladder out of the shed and climbed up to the top press.
Brendan's mother always gives us a Christmas cake, she makes it in April.
I ate the whole thing.
MUSIC please Moya, let me finish.
That our fear of the press is somehow rooted in our vanity.
I think we've got bigger fish to fry! No.
If you must know, my Mummy killed my Daddy.
Ok? Strychnine.
Of course, the fact she was drunk at the time wasn't taken into account by the court.
Or by the press.
Oh no.
They just dubbed her, Queen Rat.
Try being a pubescent teenager, starting a new school, with that as your meet and greet.
(UNDER HER BREATH) God.
I understand Moya's loneliness.
Her isolation.
I felt the same.
I remember when my Dad Mungo got married to his fourth wife, Lil.
I never met her.
They sent me some wedding cake, at my school.
I thought, 'What the hell is this?'.
Then it dawned on me.
They'd gotten married.
They hadn't told me.
I had to stand there in front of my whole school, and tell them my Dad had gotten married to a woman, that I didn't even know.
It doesn't take any particular courage or strength of character to get through these situations.
You get through them because you have to.
You've no choice.
I was just a bloody kid.
What are we supposed to do? Tell me, you know? Because I don't know.
What are we supposed to do? Just sit and wait, like lambs to the slaughter? Of course I'm afraid.
Bloody petrified.
What Jade eh, said I cannot tell you.
What do you mean you can't tell me Dudley? Why? I said I'd tell the truth, right? Yeah.
And the truth is, is that I'm afraid to tell you what she said.
(GASPS) Well obviously it doesn't feel great, to hear your husband saying he's afraid to tell ya something.
But em Jade has always been a Daddy's girl.
She's always been closer to Dudley than me.
I'm ok with that.
It happens, you know? Just tell me Dudley.
I-I-I.
.
Come on, how bad can it be? Just tell me Dudley! Why won't you tell me? I-I-I've always been a night feeder.
Very early on in our marriage, well, Brendan would always crash out pretty quickly, and I wouldn't be able to, my mind would be going.
I'd start thinking of something in the fridge.
Something like a Calvita triangle.
And I'd just think you know, maybe I'll just have a little bit of cheese and crackers, and that, you know? After I'd have a night feed, I'd feel peaceful, for a while.
Then, the negative voices would start up in me head.
'Go on out of that Carmel, ya greedy little pig.
'.
M-M-My mother wasn't one to mince her words.
She was always on about me being pudgy, you know? She is an appalling woman.
She did her best.
Then it'd be the other way around in the morning.
I wouldn't be able to get up, I'd feel that blue.
When you ask me if I can relate my fear to Dargan's, well that would actually be dependent on the fact, that Dargan was capable of feeling fear, which quite clearly he's not.
I mean, myself and Graham, have been in denial about Dargan for sometime.
Dargan quite simply is a sociopath.
Yeah.
That's been corroborated by the FBI profiling report we got done.
As Moya quite rightly points out as well, the top 1% by the way.
As Moya quite rightly points out, the evidence has been there from early on.
When he was 3, he barbecued his own rabbit.
I mean, the fact that he's a sociopath, is not necessarily a bad thing.
Most world leaders score pretty highly on that test themselves.
However, as a pubescent boy, in a household that is free and open, and full of other children, it is a problem we can no longer deny.
He's wrecked our lives.
He's caused untold havoc.
Reaped untold destruction.
And he's caused huge embarrassment to his parents.
I think we've really got to look at the options here.
Tsk.
I think it may be time to part.
To part company.
Is it drugs? No it's not.
Is she not going to go to college? No.
Pregnant.
No it's not that.
Is she going out with one of the Fletchers? No, it's none of them.
Well, what is it Dudley? Why don't you just tell me? Jade is gay.
Shut up! Jade is a lesbian.
No, shut up! Shut up Dudley, shut up! Jade is a lesbian No! She's going out with Tamara the gym instructor.
Shut up, shut up! No! Not my Jade, no way, shut up! Shut up Dudley! No! Yes.
I do think food did replace sex for me.
We haven't had sex for years.
And even when we did, it wasn't enough.
I was looking, for sex in the fridge.
So much, though, that I got to 22 stone.
We wanted to believe Dargan, we really did.
Who doesn't want to believe their own child? But he is guilty.
Absolutely.
I mean, the evidence is there.
I found his phone, and the SIM card, it's all on there.
His friends had filmed it, but it quite clearly shows, it was Dargan who delivered the blows.
I destroyed the phone, and the SIM card.
I had to.
Well, broadly speaking, I'm in favour of justice being served.
And all that.
But just in this case, I think there's too many important and innocent people, who are going to be compromised.
How's that justice? Who knows? I cannot answer that question, I don't have that information to hand.
The information I do have in my possession, at this point in time, is that Jade is gay and she's engaged in a relationship with Tamara her gym instructor.
I knew she was up to no good, that Tamara one.
And that they have been spending nights together in Noel and Kay's flat.
What? That is the information I have to hand.
Kay.
I might have known.
I am not controlling Carmel with food! She had a sprained ankle and I was looking after you.
If my ankle, was well enough for me, to go out to the shed, and get that ladder, and climb up there and eat that feckin cake, it was well enough to climb the stairs to bed.
Well you must've been putting it on then.
No, because that's where you wanted me.
You wanted me out of the bed, on the couch, and eating gunge, because I'm easier to control that way.
(EXHALES FORCEFULLY) STOP playing the victim.
Stop playing the victim.
I never stopped you going to Slenderize.
Oh no, but you weren't one bit interested in it.
When I told you I was going off to Slenderize, you marched out to the porch, in a sulk.
What are you saying? That I deliberately made you slip? O-O-On the porch? By making it wet? Are you saying I got the watering can and made you slip by deliberately making it wet? Brendan, where was the mat? What did you do with the mat, Brendan? Em the mat.
.
got wet.
So I had to dry it.
God, Brendan.
You must think I'm some ninny! Oh, God! We've got Dargan on Ritalin and a cocktail of antipsychotics.
Yeah, my only fear is that he becomes catatonic in court.
We've got to get the balance right.
We don't want him leering in the dock, or shouting expletives or threatening to burn the place down here.
It's such a cruel, cruel world, it really is.
Our hard earned reputations are going to be shattered.
All for the sake of a few tawdry headlines.
Fucking boy.
Of course, this could just be a phase.
Of course it is.
It's ridiculous.
I mean, girls can't do it.
There's nothing to Jesus.
She also claims she's tried to come out to us on a number of occasions, but that we have been unwilling to listen.
Oh, dat is rich.
She does what she likes, Jade, she always has.
You spoiled her Dudley.
I don't think spoiling somebody is the root cause of their sexuality.
Stop it.
GROANS.
When I get me hands on her.
I love you, Carmel.
I'm the man who married you.
And I'd do anything for you, Carmel.
I'll do anything for you.
Please.
Anything.
Will you be my lover, Brendan? Yes, I will be your lover.
Well, we'll see.
We'll see whether it's just more guff, or whether you're really serious this time.
Because Brendan, they better not be crocodile tears.
MUSIC