Only Fools and Horses (1981) s01e05 Episode Script

You see, I mean, to me Janice, art, you know - art asan art, must by its very nature be self-indulgent, right.
I mean as I said to, David Hockney once, 'The inherent element in all artistic projects should not be one of contemporary mass appeal but rather one of personal symbolism.
' Don't you agree Janice? I dunno Rodney.
Oh well, um, you know that's why I like talking to you, you're one of the few people who seems to understand me.
My brother Don paints you know.
- Really? - Yeah, for the council.
No, that is cosmic Janice.
No really - no that is cosmic that.
That's probably why we have the same appreciation and understanding of true art.
I mean, we have an affinity, an aesthetic bond, we are kindred spirits, Janice, seekers of beauty in a broken ugly world.
- Janice? - Yes Rodney.
- Get yer bra off.
- I can't.
Well of course you can, you must live and be free! - I can't Rodney, I'm not wearing one! - Oh, well.
It ain't half dark in here innit.
Oh put him down Janice, put him down, you don't know where he's beenOh well, what we got going on here.
Oh I'll have to drop off that - thanks.
Here, look, we don't want all this rubbish on do we, eh? That's better.
Oi Janice, mind his bruises won't you.
What bruises? He's covered in 'em, it's where the girls keep on pushing him away with 10ft barge poles.
Oh dear, oh dear, that's better.
You're in are you Del? Yes, yes, I'm in Rodders.
Hope you've been behaving yourself, remember what I told you, not to do it on your own doorstep? We've just been sitting here discussing art that's all.
D'you like art Del? Oh yeah, Del used to be a cultural adviser to the Chelsea Shed! Yes, I like art Janice.
I like art, I'm a Renaissance man myself.
I like them picture where the eyes follow you round the room.
Last week, down the pie and eel shop, Del shook the international art world to it's very foundations by stating, quite openly, that Michaelangelo was a wally-brain.
Well he was a wally-brain weren't he? It took him 12 years to paint one ceiling.
That wouldn't do your brother Donald any good would it Janice, eh? Well he's on bonus.
I do not believe this, I'm gonna wake up in a minute! Here, look, I'll tell you another thing while we're on about it an' all.
You know some of these artists you know, they're a bit sick if you ask me.
What are you on about now? Well look, take a look at this right.
Now this is a statuette of the world-famous Venus de Milo, right? Now who but the sick of mind would do a sculpture of a disabled person? Am I right Janice? - It's a bit sick innit! - There you are.
It weren't like that originally! No, no, no, this is the product of a twisted imagination this Rodney.
Yeah here, talking of twisted imaginations are you still looking for a job? What in this country? There's three million unemployed, what chance has Rodney got? Well, with his big brother looking after him he's got every chance in the world.
Now take one of your purple hearts Rodney because I've got a surprise for you.
I have managed to secure you for a position with a newly formed security company! Now they did want a man with previous experience and, as your last job was a milk monitor, I did have a bit of trouble persuading them but, however, I have managed to swing it for you.
Are you putting me up Del? No, definitely, I've got a job for you Rodney! Hey that's great Del! Yeah, it's alright, you'll start off as a trainee NSO.
No.
Oh yes and who knows my son you know - you know, use your old filbert, keep your nose clean, a couple of years' time you could you could end up as a, well - I don't know - a senior NSO.
- Oh I will Del, I won't let you down son.
- What's an NSO.
? Oh don't be gauche Janice.
What's an NSO.
? They don't know they're born some of them do they? That's right! Tell her what an NSO is Del.
An NSO Janice is a Nocturnal Security Officer.
Yeah see it's a nocturnal security officer.
That don't 'arf sound like a night watchman Del! It's nothing like a nightwatch- man! I mean yeah, yeah, you will have to work at night.
And will some of my duties include 'watching'? No they won't, no I mean all you'll have to do is, you'll just have to - you know, you just have to well keep an eye out.
What is the name of this recently formed security company then? Oh well, you wouldn't have heard of 'em.
Try me Del.
Come on, let's have it.
It's calledTrotter Watch! Trotter Watch, that's you innit? I'm working for you, ain't I? Yeah, you see the way I see it Rodney is that crime is a growth industry so I'm getting in while the going's good.
It's a nice regular job - got a uniform - good wages.
How good? We'll talk about that later.
First of all let us try on your uniform eh? Yeah come on, slip into.
There it is.
Oh look at that, colour suits you don't it, eh? Yes look at that fit, oh yeah, deja vu, it's like made to measure innit? Yeah for someone else! Oh well the sleeves and that - well he'll grow into them.
Don't worry about that, hey, let's have a look - that's it.
- TW.
- That's right, stands for Trotter Watch.
Could also stand for Traffic Warden though.
Well - yes it could, Traffic warden yeah.
This is a traffic warden's uniform innit? It is not a traffic warden's uniform! You've got me done up as a bloody traffic warden! Look it is once and for all not a traffic warden's uniform! Now just trust me will youPut your cap on.
I look like a traffic warden.
I look like a traffic warden who hasn't been well! No you don't, you look stunning Rodders.
Oh yeah, look at that, you're emitting authority all over the place.
I'm not doing it Del.
I don't want the job.
Oh no, come on Rodney, you've got to do it, you can't let me down, I gave then your word.
Gave who my word? The people down at the Tyler Street bus and coach garage.
That's where you're gonna be based.
No I'm definitely not doing it Del.
Oh alright, yeah okay.
Well of course if you're scared! You could admit it, come on.
Allemagne dix points, Janice'll understand if yer bottle has gone.
Me scared? You must be joking! Ah, that's the spirit, now I want you down there tomorrow night nine o' clock.
I'm a stickler for punctuality right.
Right then, I'm going to bed.
By the way, excuse me a minute Janice, Your bondage robes there're in the garage - alright? And Grandad has washed your whip and he's put it in the airing cupboard.
I don't think it's shrunk.
Well I'll leave you two love birds alone.
And shall I just say 'Buenos Aires'.
its.
Janice he was only You rotten git Del! Well I'll leave it in your capable hands then Rodders.
Yeah cheers Delyou realise this job's gonna mess up my love-life don't you! Yeah, that's why I'm giving you every second Sunday off, ain't I? Yeah but Janice is hardly gonna be happy with that is she? I mean while I'm down here at nights she could be going out with someone else.
Now don't worry about that.
What d'you think I'm all dressed up for like this,eh? I'm taking Janice out for a meal.
You're taking Janice out? Of course I am, for your sake, otherwise she might be going out with somebody else! - Yeah, cheers Del.
But if she's - Why are you wearing plimsoles? What? I said, why are you wearing plimsoles, don't you think they mar the overall symmetry of the uniform somewhat? - I can run faster in these - You what? I mean give chase you know pursue and detain sort of! No, nothing happens round here.
It's as quiet as a grave.
Well I'll see you in the morning then Rodders, take care now! Yeah, don't worry about me Del, I'll be alright.
Ah, here you are Grandad, there you go.
Look at that.
Look at that, eh? It's beautiful innit? Beautiful.
It's gonna earn our fortunes this is Grandad! Come on Rodney it's ten to nine.
I used to be a security officer you know, before the war.
Blimey, do you mean to say that somebody actually trusted you with their property? It's like trusting a piranha fish with yer finger - or worse.
Oh yeah, it was a big warehouse over Kilburn way, stocked everything from bedroom suites to kiddies' toys.
Well, there was this fella used to work there, he used to arrive every morning in a big Wolseley car, he wore a camel-hair overcoat, kid gloves and he always carried a brand-new leather attache case and he smoked expensive cigars.
Well, call it intuition if you like, but I was suspicious of him.
- Yeah, why? - Well he was only a sweeper-up! Cor, how do you do it Holmes? Anyhow, one night he was leaving I stopped him and I searched his attache case.
It was empty.
Still, unperturbed by this minor hiccup in my investigation.
I stopped him and searched his attache case every night for a whole year.
Then he left.
I wonder why? I don't remember.
I think he claimed someone was victimizing him.
No unions in them days see.
No, well that is it - innit, eh? Anyway, a couple of weeks after he left the auditors come.
D' you know what they discovered? We was missing 348 attache cases! What do you mean you had been searching stolen gear? Yeah and I got done for it.
Finger-prints.
There's a moral to that story Del Boy but for the life of me I can't find it.
I don't think I'm even gonna bother to look either Grandad.
Hello the son of the bride of Dracula.
Here he is.
- What time is it? - The time is nearly nine o' clock.
Nine? I'm gonna be late if I don't get a move on.
No, no, it's alright.
There's no hurry, go on, sit down.
Take it easy, that's it, go on.
Let me get you a cup of tea, alright? - Oh yeah.
- Here you go then.
Are you still taking my part with Janice? Yes, don't worry, I won't let you down.
Oh cheers DelHow am I doing? Very well, very well.
Yes one more steak meal could crack it.
Yeah? I haven't done this well with a girl for a long time.
You're like me Rodney, I never ever found it easy to get girlfriends.
I wonder why.
Here it's still light out.
It's broad daylight! Yeah, of course it would be wouldn't it, nine o' clock in the morning, what do you expect? Nine o' clock in the morning? I thought it would be nine at night.
I've only been in bed 20 minutes! What d'you wake me for? Sit down.
Sit down.
It's alright, alright, don't exaggerate, 20 minutes.
Listen, I want to discuss something very important with you see.
What could be that important, eh? I haven't got Janice into trouble, have we? Don't be silly, least I hope not.
I want to talk to you see.
No, listen now, this night security job of yours is merely a tiny part of my immaculate scheme.
What immaculate scheme? The Tourist Trade Rodney.
The Tourist Trade.
Did you realise that over 2,000 are pouring into London every day? And I happen to know, despite the fact that tourism has never been so high, the coach party trade is falling off.
Now, why you may ask, is that Del? Well, since you ask, I will tell you Rodney.
The reason is yer average tourist gets fed up, don't he, of seeing the old places.
Like the Houses of Parliament, Buck House, the National Gallery.
Once you've seen one Rubens, you've seen them all.
Now this is where a dynamic person like me steps in.
Wake up while your brother's being dynamic! So, go on.
Yeah, right, you see out there Rodney, out there is a new vibrant exciting London waiting to be discovered.
- Is there? - Yeah of course there is.
Ethnic London.
Ethnic London? Yeah, yes, you know all those romantic places that you've heard about in fairy tales.
You know the Lee Valley Viaduct, the glow of Lower Edmonton at dusk, the excitement of a walk about in Croydon, yeah, look what I've had printed.
Oh I don't believe this.
Trotter's Ethnic Tours.
What's all this squiggly stuff and the Chinese? The squiggly stuff - the squiggly - that is Arabic and the Chinese is Japanese.
It's a well-known fact that 90 per cent of all foreign tourists come from abroad, so we've got to speak the lingo, ain't we? We? French I like it.
Already you're picking up the lingo.
It's what I call enthusiasm Rodney.
I weren't speaking French Del, I meant what do you mean 'we'? We, us - you know, us - here you know - 'cos it's a family enterprise innit.
Grandad, he'll sell the programmes, I shall be the courier and you, Rodney, you have got the best job of all 'cos you will drive the bus, hold tight everybody Rodney's coming, eh? It'll be another wage Rodney.
I've already got a wage Del.
Yeah but you can't afford to live on what I pay you, can you! I don't know Del, how much you paying me? Well not a lot, not a lot.
You see I can't afford to.
See, well I, I done a deal with the bus garage, what happened was I provided them with a nightwatchma nocturnal security operative, see, and they provided me with an open- topped bus.
That saves the exchange of any cash.
- You know, stops any paperwork and - And income tax? Income tax yeah.
Well, come on, what about it Rodney, a lot of work and effort's gone into this enterprise.
I mean, Grandad, he was up town this morning at the crack of dawn distributing all those leaflets to every hotel, boarding house and hostel he could find.
Grandad, he believes in this scheme, don't you Grandad? Ethnic tours, it's the most stupidest thing I've ever heard of.
See.
Del you can't expect me to work all night then, in the morning, drive a bus load of tourists round ethnic London? I've got to sleep Del.
My whole body is crying out for sleep.
Yeah, yeah, I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll get you some assistance at the garage then you can have a kip, - I'll get you an ex-police dog.
- An ex-police dog? - Yeah, now do you fancy some breakfast? - I wouldn't say no.
Good, great, come on then, off you go, there you go - in there.
While you're in there make me a bacon sandwich, alright? Where are you gonna get an ex- police dog from? - I'll get him - I'll get him Nero.
- Who's Nero? Nero, Janice's corgi! We clearly stated on our leaflets nine o' clock was departure time.
Here we are eleven-thirty , no sign of 'em! I've told you before no one will turn up.
Yes they will, soon as the word spreads about a bit, they'll be here in droves.
No the only thing that worries me is, is a 59-seater bus gonna be big enough? Perhaps we should have had two, you know maybe three.
- A tandem would be too big.
- Leave it out will you.
I'll bet not one single tourist arrives.
- I'll bet you, 50 quid they do.
- Right, 50 quid, you're on.
- Right then.
- Alright.
- Right.
- Right.
Shut up you two will yer.
I didn't get a wink of sleep last night taking that rotten dog for walkies and what 'ave yer.
That's a funny kind of police dog that Del, it saw a cat and run a mile.
Ah well, cats aren't Nero's strong point.
But show him a burglar and it becomes a tower of strength.
Where's all the tourists then? I thought we'd be having an ethnic look round Chingford by now.
Don't worry, they'll be here.
Shut up you How much you charging them for his tour then? - 17 quid each.
- 17 pounds for a walk-about in Croydon? Well that includes lunch don't it.
Traditional British flare doner kebab, something like that.
A doner kebab.
For 17 nicker I'd want Donna Summer.
You would wouldn't you, you tight wad.
No, these tourists, they don't mind splashing out, providing they're getting value for money.
Now look at that, they'll snap these souvenirs of Olde London up they will.
That's a snip that is at a fiver a go, almost alabaster, you know.
You're going to sell 'em models of a Greek statue now housed in the Louvre gallery Paris for souvenirs of Olde London? It's the Venus de Milo, Del.
No, that is Boadicea that is innit? Boadicea rode round in a chariot with big swords sticking out the wheels.
Alright, so she fell off her chariot.
You're just trying to rip 'em off, aren't you? Au contraire Rodney, au contraire.
No, I don't want to leave them potless.
I want them to have some money in their pockets, at least enough for us to have a tip.
As a courier what do you actually know about these places you intend to drag 'em to? Know? Nothing, which means twice as much as they know.
Don't worry, I shall bluff 'em Rodney.
I shall use the old spiel.
If there're questions that I find a bit dodgy to answer, I shall just say I can't understand their English.
Don't worry, it'll be a doddle.
I mean, today I shall take 'em down Shoreditch and show 'em the house where Sherlock Holmes was born.
Sherlock Holmes was fictional.
Was he? Oh well, I'll just say his house was blown up during the war.
Tomorrow I shall take them to the summit of Mount Pleasant.
The summit of Mount Pleasant! What's the matter with you Grandad, can't you stand heights or something.
Mount Pleasant hasn't got a summit.
All it's got is a big post office sorting depot.
Well that's ethnic innit, eh? We can give 'em a guided tour of the depot, you know show 'em the workers getting the most from our post.
I should stay awake if I was you.
They'll be here in their hundreds in a minute.
I'll take 'em over to North London, you know, show 'em where Jack the Ripper was buried.
Nobody knows where Jack the Ripper was buried.
Then they cannot prove me wrong, can they? Shall we give 'em another five minutes then go Del Yeah, alright.
Take the bus back to the garage then you can begin your night shift, alright? I want you back first thing in the morning though.
And don't forget to take Nero out so that he can do his business, alright? A pint of lager Rodney, they'd sold right out of Pina Coladas Del, so I got you a Mackeson instead.
Oh that's good thinking yes, thank you Grandad.
What are you going to do if the tourists start asking about the history of the places.
I mean, say one of them wants to know how the Elephant and Castle got it's name.
Well I'll just sayer, once upon a time Richard the Lionheart or Coeur de Lion as the French used to call him - which he did not like one little bit - see where a little bit of intimate knowledge goes a long way in impressing people.
Well, I'll say that he had a castle situated roughly near the roundabout.
And what about the 'elephant' bit? I'll say er, Hannibal and his elephants lay siege to the castle and Bob's yer uncle.
But Hannibal crossed the Alps.
I know, on his way to the castles, and the natives who had never seen an elephant, they were sorely afraid.
And that is how it became known in that area as the Elephant and Castle.
If they'd never seen an elephant before how did they know it was an elephant? For Gawd sake Grandad, a elephant's a bloody elephant, innit? I mean you can't odds that! I mean, you can't look at an elephant and say, I know we'll call this place the Cow and Castle, you can't do that can you? But you're not telling them the truth are you? The truth? The truth, you're so naive, Rodders.
The truth is only relative to what you can earn from a lie! Einstein.
I'll tell you one truth that you won't earn a brass farthing out of.
No one's gonna turn up.
They will turn up.
They've got to This time next year we'll be millionaires.
You said that this time last year! You're eating, ain't yer? No.
I wanted to do this for years Rodney.
I always thought if we could make a success of it, that eventually we would go legit.
You know, we would register the name Trotters Independent Traders as a proper McCoy company.
I have this dream where you and I own this skyscraper office block on the South Bank.
And we're standing on the balcony in a penthouse suite with a couple of sorts, Gabrielle, Bianca, bra-less but with class - here did you know your Janice doesn't wear a bra.
- Yeah, I know.
Oh you know.
Anyway we're in our penthouse full of rubber plants and pine tongue and groove - and we're sipping red drinks.
And above us on top of this skyscraper in 50ft neon high lettering are the initials of Trotters Independent Traders! Good innit, eh? Triffic Del.
They've got to come.
My dream starts the way every success starts, with a big rip-off.
Del.
Grandad's right, no-ones gonna turn up.
Yes they will, you wait and see.
I think that dream of yours contains a subliminal message.
Yeah, you what? A sort of subconscious truth.
You see this skyscraper belonging to Trotters Independent Traders right! And on the roof is the company's initials and you're standing on the penthouse balcony? Well don't you see what the dream's trying to tell you? As you're standing on that balcony with your red drink - just above your head, in 50ft- high neon lettering, is the word 'TIT'.
Come on, let's call it a day.
You owe me 50 quid on that bet! Alright you old pessimist! - What about our wages then Del? - Oh yeah, I meant to talk to you about that! I thought that was going to be the big one Rodney.
I thought I was gonna become the Freddie Laker of the highways.
It was a nice try Del.
Yeah, I don't understand it though, I just don't understand it.
Grandad distributed a thousand leaflets, a thousand.
You'd have thought that one, just one punter might have been interested.
Still, as dear old Mum used to say 'Its better to know you've lost than not to know you've won'.
Dear old Mum, she used to say some bloody stupid things I'm gonna chuck this down the chute.
Well that weren't too bad was it Rodney? I've had two days away from the housework, a nice little drink and I've won meself a 50 quid bet.
Very nice, very nice indeed Where's Del Boy? Oh he's just gone to chuck that sign down the dust chute.
The dust chute? Oh my Gawd! Grandad! Come here, you senile old parasite.
It wasn't me Del, it was me brain! It was your - I'll brain you if I catch up with you.
Come here.
Get him! Oi!