Orange Is the New Black s01e05 Episode Script
The Chickening
"In a world filled with hate, we must still dare to hope.
"In a world filled with despair, we must still dare to dream.
" Words from the late, great Michael Jackson.
Chapel will open at 8:00.
Today's order of services is Catholic, Evangelical, Wiccan, Baptist, other, and Muslim.
Enjoy your Sunday.
You didn't eat breakfast.
Most important meal of the day.
Start your engine right.
Thanks.
I'll Thanks.
Fine.
Run on fumes.
I'm doing the 4-Hour Body.
I don't know what that is.
You'll see.
You'll see.
Okay.
Good luck with that.
Come closer! Fuck me! God! I could get it.
Fucking come.
Yes! Yeah! Yeah! You fucking skank! Yeah! Finally! Man, look how buff my left arm looks just from grabbling you.
- Nichols, we gotta stop.
- No, we can't.
I gotta work out the other side.
Otherwise I'll be asymmetrical like a crab, or a tennis pro.
No, no, no.
No more.
I'm engaged.
Yeah, that's right.
Get it while you can.
No! No, it's not fair to Christopher.
And I need to start tightening up.
You're making me feel like a cave.
Baby, it's a cunt.
it stretches.
Yeah, sometimes I feel like you're trying to climb inside my womb.
What can I say, I've got mommy issues.
Well, I don't want to do it anymore.
This was the last time.
All right.
Yeah, it's cool.
Just at least get me off first, all right? That's not very classy.
We're having sex in a fucking chapel.
Come on, you wanna give me blue balls? - It's not fair.
I wake up every day and I - Fuck! Shit! I thought you said the service wasn't for another half hour.
It was.
You take too long to come.
Chaplain, the Jews never put the markers back in the box.
So write to your Congressman.
What if he's a Jewish? There is one art cabinet for everyone and you have to share.
Now, if you please, we need to get ready for mass.
- Sister? The candles.
- Yes.
My service is coming up.
- I wanna hang up my decoration.
- Your decoration? Yep.
Look at it.
I made it in the shop.
Except for it's not done on account that I ran out of glow-in-the-dark paint, but - Doggett, get it out of here.
- What? Why? You know why.
I have explained it to you.
It's not iconography, it's a cross.
Nothing goes on the walls that can't be taken down before the next service.
It's gonna glow in the dark.
Now, Doggett! You know what? Fine.
That's just fine.
It ain't right, and you know it.
Well, this chapel is not just for Christians.
Yeah.
I'm sure if I was a Catholic, you would be much different.
That's not true.
Yep.
It's very true.
'Cause you and that Pope's bitch are running this place! I like to think of myself as more of the Pope's homie.
You know what? You treat everybody here better than me.
Even those witch ladies.
Also not true.
No, it is true.
You let You take them for walks and you As I would take you if your faith required communion with nature.
I don't want to walk! Okay? I'm gonna hang this damn cross! 'Cause it's my religious freedom and you're violating it! You could sue.
I heard about this tranny in Massachusetts.
State paid for her whole hoo-ha.
I don't need them to pay for the car.
I just need them to buy the oil.
What exactly is going on with you anyway? Is it like menopause? Same idea.
Not enough lady juice.
Skin gets loose, tits get saggy.
Hulk get angry.
God! Do not do that! Jesus.
I know what you can do.
You find an old lady lifer and you bum her estrogen.
You think the Fed gives a shit about a felon's hot flashes? None of that gets covered.
Nun gets it.
I'm on the pill line with her.
Bullshit.
It's probably just anti-depressants.
Really? Ever heard of an SSRI called Gynotab? What the fuck? Girl, you pulled my hair! Any available CO to outer gate for inmate transfer.
You don't fucking talk to me, but you want me to thread your eyebrows? Nobody else can do them right.
Besides, we're family.
We fight, but we do shit for each other.
You gonna let me play dominos? You can keep score.
You got some thread? All personnel, 10-21 Jasmine.
Here.
Go find Gloria, see if she'll trade with you.
If not, I'll pull some threads from my jacket.
All right.
Hey.
What are you doing? Trading corn.
Inmates aren't authorized to barter.
- What the fuck is "barter"? - Trade.
- Come on.
Everybody trades - Hey! You want to get written up? Is that what you want? What do you want from me? What do I want? Less attitude! You got that? You're not in charge here.
I am.
- Now give me the corn.
- Yes, sir.
Damn, y'all saw that? He fucking took my corn! Come on down to the hottest spot south of Havana! Brazil's Copacabana Beach.
But I would be careful.
Some of the most beautiful places along the beach are Whatcha making? I'm knitting.
I'm sorry, do I smell? No, she's just in the zone.
How's your Sunday? Pretty nice so far.
I was outside.
It is beautiful up here in the fall.
Yeah, sure.
I got myself incarcerated just so I could see the changing colors.
I'm serious.
I think I need to be outside more.
Weren't you cold? A little.
But it was lovely.
I had my tea, it was almost hot.
I had my book, it was almost good.
And I saw a chicken.
How random is that? What? What? You saw a chicken? Like, a real live chicken in the flesh? Well, it was covered in feathers, but What's going on? You need to talk to Red.
- About what? - You just need to talk to her.
CO to Main Control for a shift briefing.
Dayanara! I unclogged the toilet.
There was a Barbie in it.
Eva? What? Barbie wanted to go scuba diving! Mommy! Help me! Sucio! Get your caqui fingers off me.
Dios mio! She's gonna hit me! You trying to hit your sister? She flushed a Barbie down the toilet! The Barbie Cesar bought you? You think Barbies grow on trees? You think toilets grow on trees? Huh? No.
- What grows on trees? - Nothing.
That's right! You need to look after them better.
- How about you? - I got better things to do.
Get them a pizza if they're hungry.
I'm eating oysters, bitches.
Whatever.
- I want oysters.
- No, you don't.
You're sure it was a chicken? Not a pigeon? No.
What about a quail or a pheasant? Spruce grouse? American bald eagle? It was a chicken.
I know what a chicken looks like.
I don't What's the big deal? There are no chickens around here.
Except for one.
They say she lived on a farm near here.
Till one night, the night before all the other chickens were slaughtered, she escaped.
She's been out there ever since, living off the land.
Living on her wits.
Hey, what's going on? The chicken's back.
Give me a break.
Mom, there is no chicken.
You're wrong! She saw it.
Really? - How'd it get over the fence? - I don't know.
It flew? Chickens don't fly.
It was probably a spruce grouse.
No, it was her.
I saw it in a dream.
Good bye.
She came to me, already dressed in herbs, and a little top hat, black, tilted to one side.
And she said, "Soon, Red, we will be together.
"Soon I will be yours.
" No more processed chicken that looks like a hockey puck and tastes like wet paper.
Real chicken Kiev.
First girl to bag that bird gets a box of Bioré strips.
Me, too? Yes.
You, too.
You did good bringing this to me.
Maybe you're not as useless as I thought.
Sister Ingalls.
How was your service? Fine.
Thank you for asking.
- Sophia.
- Sophia.
That's right.
What was your sermon about? I don't give sermons.
I'm not a priest.
But we did have a good group discussion about overcoming sin.
I'm sorry I missed that.
Really? Are you Catholic? No! But Well, I think a lot about overcoming sin.
And I just love Jesus Christ.
And I've always wanted to try one of those communion wafers.
Well, I have a box of a thousand.
They're not as fresh as the ones you get outside of prison, but they're good with dip.
I forgot my hat.
- Mind if I come with you? - Not at all.
Okay, higher.
Higher.
Yep, higher.
Nope, wait! No! To Okay, now to Look, that doesn't look centered to me, it just Excuse me! Hey, Sister.
Ain't your time through here? I thought you weren't allowed to put that up.
No? That's what the chaplain told you this morning.
Yeah, that's right.
You're the little church mouse that lives in her pocket.
Well, I live in God's pocket.
And she said I couldn't put it up on the walls, but she didn't say I couldn't hang it from the ceiling, all right? So That's not a load-bearing pipe.
What do you know about a load-bearing pipe, lady man? I think I just told you.
Please.
I'll just get my hat.
It's not my business.
I don't want any trouble.
Trouble? There's not gonna be any trouble, okay? This is beautiful.
All right? It's our right as Americans to religious freedom.
Ain't you heard of the Third Amendment? Soldiers should not be given quarter in a house in times of peace? Is that really what the Third Amendment says? I never knew that.
Can you stay out of it? Damn it, Tucky.
I can't go back to seg.
God has chosen to test our conviction.
So Red's okay with me because I saw this chicken, I guess.
And she said I wasn't useless.
Good.
So that's the big news in my small world.
What's happening with Barney's? Did you talk to Weiner? Yes, I have.
Actually, there is Well, it's funny, but there's a problem.
What? They have concerns about our ability to produce since we still don't have a space.
You told them that? They don't need to know that.
Why did you tell them that? I don't know, because they asked? I'm sorry, should I have texted you first? We don't have an official order yet.
They could take us off the shelves.
Well, you know, I was thinking maybe that wouldn't be such a bad idea.
Excuse me? I mean, maybe it's not the best time to expand our business.
Polly, I quit my job for this.
And then you went to prison.
If I'd known you wouldn't be around to handle things, I would have delayed the baby and gotten a puppy.
But I'm the size of Venus and allergic to dogs, so Fuck it.
Polly, we were counting on the extra income.
Please, like you even pay rent.
I pay rent.
Who told you I don't pay rent? Polly, I know that you're having a baby, but what about our baby? What about Baby Poppy? What if Piper talks to Weiner? You have more of a rapport, right? Yes! She likes me! So, should I see if she'll drive up with us next week? No.
We can set up a call.
I'll call you, and then the recording about it being a call from prison will play, and then you can call her from your phone, conference her in, and I can talk to her.
Please? Two minute warning.
Two minutes.
What? Jesus, they don't give you any time.
I know.
Honey, have you talked to your dad about Alex? No, I Not yet.
I will - Faster, please.
Come on.
- Okay, well, I'll ask him about it when I see him later this week.
Ask him what? To look over the indictment.
To see if Alex really named her.
Of course she named me.
It's so obvious.
Then why does his dad need to check? So I can shove it in her smug, lying, fucking lying, fucking face.
I know she's lying.
Hold up.
What, she's in here with you? Yes.
Why didn't you tell me? - You lied to me? - Honey, I didn't lie to you.
I just failed to mention.
I didn't want you to worry.
- Worry? Worry about what? - That she'd turn gay again.
That's not happening.
And you don't just turn gay.
You fall somewhere on a spectrum.
Like, on a Kinsey scale.
Okay.
Besides, she is the last person around here that I'd sleep with.
- Who's the first? - See? I didn't mean that.
I didn't mean that.
I just This is exactly why I didn't want to tell you.
Because I knew that you would do this.
What are you afraid of? That I'm going to do something? Gay? I wasn't before, until you lied.
Now I'm Now I'm wondering if maybe you're worried you will.
- Classic projection.
- Polly, don't help.
Not only is the ceiling ripped open.
Not only is the chapel covered in asbestos, rat shit, God knows what.
- Toxic mold.
- Toxic mold.
But, surprise, surprise, our electrical line has been compromised.
We have to run new electrical.
Officer Luschek, is running new electrical something that you feel particularly excited about doing on a fucking Monday? - Nope.
- Hell nope.
You ought to be relaxing after an exhausting weekend of prostate stimulation and blow-up fuck dolls.
But instead, thanks to this missed opportunity for cradle death, you're here with me.
And all these other shit-birds.
And all this shit.
Man, why she ain't in SHU? Janae got sent to SHU just for talking.
Quiet, or you'll go with her.
It weren't my fault.
I was just doing as the Spirit commanded.
Fuck are you, Joan of Arc? No.
I'm from Waynesboro.
My name is Tiffany She knows what your fucking name is! And you guys can kill each other on your own time.
Hey, Bennett, grab some retards and go start the demo.
- Excuse me.
- Yes? Could we get some masks? For the mold.
And the rat shit dust.
Bennett, go see if you can find some dust masks in the tool shed.
Okay.
Rest of you, go outside.
Start bringing in those sheets of drywall.
- Wait a minute! - What? I don't want "it" here.
Please! That's why this whole thing happened.
God's angry that there's an abomination in the church, and if we don't get rid of "it," it's just gonna keep on happening.
All right, you listen to me.
You are not an agent of God, okay? God can do so much better than you.
You must know that, right? Know what? Jesus Christ, how the fuck did you survive infancy? - My auntie helped my momma - That's a rhetorical question! Do you not understand what a fucking rhetorical question is? Sophia just cares about the church.
And she just wants to help.
Help clean up the mess you made.
You see, there, Pennsyltucky? That's just what I've been saying the whole time.
You're an idiot.
I want to fuck Jesus in his hand-hole.
All right.
Let's get to work.
Hey.
I thought that we might get masks, too? There's not enough.
That's what you get for acting uppity.
Okay, so about the chicken What about it? It's like Red's version of the white whale.
No, no, no, I saw it.
I really did.
All right.
It's just you and the crackheads then.
But at least you're getting in good with Captain Ahab.
Better her ship than the ocean.
So I take it you're not gonna come look for it after work? What, the chicken? We're gonna search the yard.
Morello invited me.
Morello and I are sort of taking a break.
I'm sorry to hear that.
What happened? Yeah, she still thinks her relationship with her fiance isn't doomed.
But she'll be back.
Nothing lasts.
Twenty.
You got that? What's the score? Hold up, let me add it up.
Come on, chicken! Red's looking for the chicken again.
That bitch is crazy.
Who gives a shit about a chicken? Maybe it's not the chicken but what's within the chicken.
You trying to sound deep? Nah.
My boy, Potato Chip, told me that when he was down, they used to bring in dope by putting that shit inside birds.
- Chickens? - Nah.
I think it was like a pigeon or something.
Did they stick it up the butt? Nah.
They put it in a little baggie, stuff it down the throat.
But maybe they put it in the butt, too.
There's no chicken.
That's a fairy tale.
My boy said that shit's worth, like, $1,000, yo.
And that's just from what they put inside a pigeon.
A chicken's got a much bigger butt.
Are you kidding me? Yo, Spanish mamis got something going on.
- Ain't you going, too? -No.
No, you'd rather sit and scribble love notes.
Don't play dumb, I know what you're doing.
I seen you leave a kite and I know who for.
You followed me? I'm telling you, you're wasting your time with that one.
Not that you're not pretty.
I don't mean it like that.
It's just, you gonna fuck a guard, fuck a fat one.
That way they're more appreciative.
Let you sneak in cigarettes.
Maybe bring you McDonald's.
Is that how you really think? That's how you need to start thinking.
I'm trying to look out for you.
I don't fuck dudes for Big Macs.
- But you fuck 'em.
- Yeah.
So what do you fuck 'em for? Love? 'Java'? Daysâ.
! Hi, baby! Hello, my little angel.
How you doing? Where's your brother and sisters? I don't know.
I'm hungry.
There's food in the kitchen.
Why didn't you Go ahead.
I'll go.
And Paco's like, "He's not an eggplant, he's retarded!" What do you want? What are you doing in here? Get out.
Eva's hungry.
I need to make her something to eat.
So make her something.
But, hey, you better make me something, too, if you're in here.
You can't eat that.
It's shaped like animals.
So, I don't give a fuck.
It tastes the same.
But it's made for kids.
I'm just trying to look out for you, so people don't think you're a faggot.
You wanna wear Superman undies and eat kids' food, be my guest.
Maybe I should get you a propeller beanie and you can hang out on the corner.
Go out and buy some real food.
Keep the change.
Buy a smile? Cesar, how much longer we have to do this here? Not long.
Pepe may have found a new spot.
What's the matter? You don't like me anymore? All right, extend that rear leg.
Challenge yourselves, but don't forget to breathe.
- What do I do with my arms? - Extend the arms.
Soft eyes, Morello.
Excuse me.
What's happening? We got AA.
No, not right now you don't.
We're doing yoga.
This is our time.
Well, they sent us here 'cause the chapel's wrecked.
Now, don't worry.
You just keep on doing what you're doing.
Yeah, let's see one of these downward facing doggie styles.
Soft eyes, Morello.
Soft eyes.
This is unacceptable.
Norma, take over for me.
I'm getting Caputo.
I'm sorry, am I disturbing you? Man, I did it.
I fucked up your Zen.
No.
Wouldn't wanna accidentally kick you in the face.
"So we do not lose heart.
"Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.
" - What's that? - Corinthians 4:16.
Just something I say to myself when I think my ass looks fat.
So you do understand what I've been going through.
I know, changes in the body can be painful.
But remember, your body is just the ship.
Your soul is the passenger.
There's another passage here.
- So you been through menopause? - Yes, dear.
Did you just pray that you'd get through it? More or less.
What's the "more" part? And the "less"? I also exercised regularly.
See, it's especially hard for me because it's taken me so long to get to this point.
And I'm just not ready to give it up, you know? Yes, you said.
- And I sacrificed so much.
- Right.
And I feel like finally, finally, I'm the woman that God intended me to be, you know? - That's wonderful.
- Yeah.
You're not getting my hormones.
Now, shall we return to Scripture? You knew? This whole time? I figured it out when you thought "Stations of the Cross" meant Christian radio.
So you've been playing with me? You may be unhappy, but it has nothing to do with your body.
If you were truly a woman, you'd never be happy with that anyway.
You have guilt.
About what? About leaving your wife to take care of Michael alone.
About Michael being Don't you talk to me about that! You don't get to talk to me about that.
- Sophia! - Leave me alone! Attention all personnel, be advised, count.
So there I am, topless, sitting on this bulldozer, like, in a construction site.
So I'm sitting there, barbecue sauce on my titties, and I'm like, "What the fuck? Again?" And then I look down and I see there's this dude down on the ground with his head by, like, the tire.
And then I look close and I recognize it's the bum from the night before that was hollerin' at me outside of Pizzeria Uno.
And when I look closer, I see the dude is wearing my shirt and he's got barbecue sauce all over his face and he's He's dead.
And that's when I knew it was time to make a change.
Thank you.
Almost the exact same thing happened to me, but it was tuna salad.
All right.
We will now, once again, go into a forward bend, and when you're ready, relax back into Shavasana.
Anyone else feel like sharing today? - Anybody? - I'll share.
I don't have a great rock-bottom story because my rock bottom is happening right now.
Not that you're not all great, but I guess I just thought I'd never be here.
You know, I thought I was someone who was in control.
And I was in control, for a while.
When I only dealt heroin.
Not even dealt.
I mean, I was an importer.
But, yeah, I was going through a break-up, and it was around.
Actually, I think it's more accurate to say that I was abandoned.
But, anyway, I started using.
Are you finished? Yes, thank you.
That was wonderful.
Heroin was the best girlfriend that I ever had.
You know, she always made me feel better, and she was always available.
But even the best girls will fuck you over, you know? Yeah, you would fucking know, wouldn't you? Damn, I thought yoga was supposed to relax you.
You want to know if she fingered her? I think that's been established.
Please, Dad.
No jokes.
I can't take it right now.
- Howard, leave him alone.
- You leave me alone.
Larry, have you weatherized yet? I know it looks tacky, but if you put up the plastic, you'll save a lot of money on heating.
Those windows are very old.
I'm going to, Mom.
And I'm sorry I'm late with the rent.
It's all right.
As long as you take care of us when we're dying.
Though you might want to think about getting a job at some point.
He has a job.
He's a writer.
All it takes is one article.
For what? To get paid 50 bucks? To lead to bigger things.
You have any projects you're working on? Yes, Mom, thank you.
As a matter of fact, I do.
- I'm working on an article right now.
- What's it about? It's a trend piece, about something called edging.
It's when you have sex or masturbate without coming.
Without coming? That sounds unhealthy.
A man needs to come.
Larry, tell me you're coming.
I shouldn't have said anything.
Howard, tell Larry he needs to come.
You could get blocked up! - I'll tell him.
- Listen to your father.
You two want some soup? The girl made soup.
- Soup would be nice.
- I'm fine.
Thank you.
I'll get for both of you.
Dad, please.
I know you don't like Piper, but I'm asking you to help me.
Who said I don't like her? I like her.
She's the nicest felon you've ever dated.
Stop.
I just think she's a bit wispy.
I thought you'd end up with someone more substantial.
Are you talking about her moral character or the size of her breasts? Please.
I'm an ass man.
He's an ass man.
You asked about her girlfriend? Ex-girlfriend.
I have looked over the indictment.
And? It states that, unequivocally, Alex Vause gave her name.
Good.
Thank you.
Good? How is that good? It's good that Piper'll know for sure.
And she'll hate her more, so she'll stay away from her.
- Listen, Larry, don't tell her.
- Why? Prison is a fishbowl, son.
The last thing she needs is an enemy to obsess over, do something stupid out of anger.
She should serve her time and leave without any trouble.
- I'm not gonna lie to my fiancée.
- Why not? Because our relationship doesn't work that way.
Yes, yes.
It's based on trust and honesty.
Even though she neglected to tell you that she's in there with this Alex until now? Okay, first of all, it's only been three weeks, and she didn't want to tell me because she didn't want me to get upset.
So, why should you upset her? No.
No.
I'm not gonna lie to protect her like she's some helpless thing, okay? Honesty is the best policy.
I really believe that.
Larry, remember all those special achievement ribbons you earned as a child? Yeah.
You notice how there was never a public ceremony? You did win that one for tidiest cubby in preschool.
But the truth is overrated.
My advice, keep her focused on her life outside, her business, her friends.
The wedding.
Whether or not you actually go through with it.
Here, Larry.
Eat your soup.
You're the best soup eater in America.
He's got it! Find that chicken, babe, you got it? Chicken! Here, chicky, chicky, chicky.
What's going on? There's $1,000 inside a chicken somewhere.
Everyone's looking for it.
- What? - You.
This is your fault.
You've been blabbing all over about the chicken, haven't you? Not really.
But even if I had, you never told me it was a secret.
Because I thought you had common sense.
Black girls hear about a chicken, of course this will happen.
Why, because all black people love chicken? Don't be racist.
Because they're all on heroin, and somebody's been telling them there's heroin in the chicken.
I heard it's a gun.
Okay, I had nothing to do with this.
You cannot blame this on me.
I just told you what I saw.
Right, what you "saw.
" Why are you using air quotes? Are you saying that I'm lying? Maybe you wanted to impress people.
I did not even know this was a thing that was impressive.
If she hasn't been scared off, the Spanish or the blacks have her.
Those Spanish probably won't even eat her, just cut her throat and drink her blood, or something else superstitious.
All I wanted was to eat the chicken that is smarter than other chickens and to absorb its power.
And make a nice Kiev.
But, oh, well.
So, what? You're just gonna give up? Just because of a little competition? That chicken is out there, Red, and it's waiting for you.
To eat it.
And you have been waiting for a very long time to eat it.
What do those other girls have that you don't have? They have dogs.
Dogs does not a chicken catch.
Determination, Red.
That's what catches chickens.
Who wants that chicken the most? Who will prepare that chicken most expertly? The woman who dreams about it.
The woman who was born to eat that chicken.
You.
That's mine! That's my chicken! What the hell is the matter with you? You tryin' out for the retard Olympics? Somebody shove some dynamite up your ass? Do you want to get shot? Trust me.
We got a lot of bullets up in that guard tower.
So if that's what you want, just try that shit again.
You are not supposed to run.
Remind me never to listen to you.
So, why are you running? For a fucking chicken? Who the fuck told you there was a chicken in my yard? But that's not fair! It's more than fair.
You know the rules about running.
Who's next? Chapman.
You're gonna have a swell time down the hill, blondie.
Trust me, he's gonna break you.
Yes, thank you.
And that was not necessary.
Please close the door on your way out.
Attention, inmates.
Multiple code violations will result in loss of privileges.
So, I'm not sure if I have the rumor straight.
Is the chicken filled with money, or heroin, or guns, or candy? No, no.
Mr.
Healy, this is I'm not sending you down the hill.
You made a mistake.
You're new.
Thank you.
Probably just wanted to impress people, be a big shot.
- So you started making up stories.
- No! It's all right.
I understand.
You think this is the first time that I've heard about the "chicken"? It's popular fiction.
It's like global warming or female ejaculation.
No! No.
No, it's not.
This is real.
How is it real? Wait, which? The chicken.
And the The chicken.
There's a triple razor wire fence around this camp.
It's impossible.
And if you think that chickens can fly, well, we better go to Wikipedia right away.
Oh, my God, you have the Internet.
Look, I don't care if you've seen this thing or not.
But I don't want you exciting the other inmates with this kind of talk.
They're not like you and me.
They're less reasonable.
Less educated.
And I don't want you making up stories to Red.
You know how Russians love chicken.
Moving forward, I want you to keep your head down.
Don't make any more boastful claims.
- Don't - See a chicken.
Exactly.
Now, repeat after me.
There is no chicken.
There never was any chicken.
The chicken is an urban myth.
A grand illusion.
Something to give your life meaning, but which is in fact not there.
We will make a poster.
Yo, chicken lady.
I got my visitation revoked 'cause of you.
What'd you get? I should've fuckin' known.
I don't mess with no heroin, but I love me some candy.
- You better watch it with the stories.
- I didn't Bravo dorms, assemble for visitation hail.
Still open? In some tribal cultures, the transgender person is regarded as a shaman.
Trying to convert me to paganism now? Whatever works.
It's not a very Catholic thing to say.
I'm not here as a Catholic, I'm here as a friend.
I'll cut your hair.
But I ain't giving you no confession.
I already know how I feel.
I let 'em down.
You're still here.
And the best thing you can do for them is be strong.
Inside.
You already have the Playboy body.
What are you doing reading Playboy? I read everything.
Why did God have to give me that stupid penis? I don't know.
Any more than I know why he gave men nipples.
There are mysteries.
And as a Catholic, I enjoy them.
The mysteries, that is.
Well, I enjoy the nipples.
So now they think that I'm a liar.
That I made it up.
I don't understand.
Why would I make something like that up? I don't know.
Hey, you have that call with Weiner later, right? Yes.
- You ready? - I'm ready.
That's good.
Because I can't ask my parents for any more money, okay? No.
Yes.
And I can't ask mine either.
Okay, we can't ask anyone's parents for any more money.
- So make it a slam dunk, all right? - Yes.
By the time you get out of prison, you'll be a big-time soap baron, I'll be a famous journalist, and we'll start our life.
Life already has started.
I'm in here.
And I'm here with you.
But let's just be honest with each other, okay, Pipes? I wanna know what's going on.
Yes.
I'm sorry that I didn't tell you about Alex.
It's okay.
It has nothing to do with me being attracted to her.
Really.
I just I didn't want you to know that I was in here with somebody that I hate so much.
Oh, my God, I swear, sometimes when I'm around her, I feel like I'm going crazy.
Well, as long as you keep your figure.
- Hey, did I tell you what happened in yoga? - No.
She was just there.
Trying to antagonize me.
I swear, Larry, I could smash her in the face.
Okay, well, don't Don't do anything like that.
Okay? - Anyhow, about Alex--- -Oh, my God.
I bet it was her.
I bet she's the one who's been spreading rumors about me.
I bet she told everybody that I lied about the chicken! Okay, Piper, let's drop the chicken for now.
It's not important.
It's my rep! Piper, it's not important.
This is real life.
Please don't get dragged into the prison drama.
Look, I know it's like a fishbowl in there, but try.
Focus.
Larry, I know that you're right, but I have to live in this fishbowl and it's just Just let him do his krumping and have a good time.
hard.
I know.
So, what were you saying? About Alex.
I talked to my dad about the indictment.
And? She didn't name you.
I guess it was someone else from the ring.
- Piper, are you there? - Yeah, I'm here.
- Did you hear me? - Yes, I heard you.
I know it's surprising, but this is Pipes, this is good, really, because now you don't have to feel crazy, or angry.
You can just do your time and stay away from that asshole.
It's just that, Larry, now this This means that I'm the asshole.
Swing shift guard detail.
P.
m.
cell check to commence at 2130 hours.
What are you talking about, Cesar can't make it? I don't know.
That's what he said.
I take a fall for that motherfucker, the least he could do is visit.
Is he paying rent? Is he buying groceries? Yeah, but I don't want him in the apartment.
Why? Is he bringing girls home? No.
Because he Hey, I have an idea, you want to ask how we're doing? - Mommy.
- Answer the question.
Is he fucking around? I did answer the question.
You know we took a bus three hours to get here? Mommy, I made a paper airplane.
Are you fucking him? Please.
You have got to be kidding me.
- Mommy! - What? I made a paper airplane.
- Where's your stupid paper airplane? - At home.
Well, then why do I care? You want to show me something? You can't show me something I can't see! What are you, stupid? You tell that motherfucker he better visit.
He owes me.
When in the visitation room, you're allowed two hugs.
One on arrival, and one on departure.
Good, you're home.
Won't you make us something to eat? Take off.
Be out.
How your tits be so big, your mom's so small, huh? - Well, I guess I get 'em from my dad.
- Yeah? You said five minutes.
Please.
I just need five more minutes.
That's all.
This is a very important phone call.
I'm on hold.
It's about my company.
Man, I doubt you even got a company.
You all talk.
See, there you go.
Piper? Are you still there? Yes, I'm right here.
What's going on? I'm in a conference with Weiner on the other line.
How do I punch you in? I don't know, it's your phone.
All right, hold on.
I have to ask Pete.
I'll be right back.
- No, no, no! Polly, wait, I don't - Pete! Polly, Polly, Polly Please revise count.
It is not clear.
Please conduct a recount.
Hey.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! - Hey! Get off, man! - There it is! Look! There it is! There's the Hey! Hey! Are you using the phone? Yes! I'm on hold.
Hey! Hey! Make your call or free up the phone now.
Okay, Piper? I figured it out.
Everyone's on the other line.
I'm punching you in, okay? Piper? Piper, are you there? Dandelion ain't here right now.
She gone to chase the chicken.
Chapman! What did I tell you about running in the yard? I'm sorry, sir.
It's just that Both feet on the ground at all times.
What? Nothing.
Just trying to get some fitness, that's all.
Two speeds in my yard.
Walk and shuffle.
"In a world filled with despair, we must still dare to dream.
" Words from the late, great Michael Jackson.
Chapel will open at 8:00.
Today's order of services is Catholic, Evangelical, Wiccan, Baptist, other, and Muslim.
Enjoy your Sunday.
You didn't eat breakfast.
Most important meal of the day.
Start your engine right.
Thanks.
I'll Thanks.
Fine.
Run on fumes.
I'm doing the 4-Hour Body.
I don't know what that is.
You'll see.
You'll see.
Okay.
Good luck with that.
Come closer! Fuck me! God! I could get it.
Fucking come.
Yes! Yeah! Yeah! You fucking skank! Yeah! Finally! Man, look how buff my left arm looks just from grabbling you.
- Nichols, we gotta stop.
- No, we can't.
I gotta work out the other side.
Otherwise I'll be asymmetrical like a crab, or a tennis pro.
No, no, no.
No more.
I'm engaged.
Yeah, that's right.
Get it while you can.
No! No, it's not fair to Christopher.
And I need to start tightening up.
You're making me feel like a cave.
Baby, it's a cunt.
it stretches.
Yeah, sometimes I feel like you're trying to climb inside my womb.
What can I say, I've got mommy issues.
Well, I don't want to do it anymore.
This was the last time.
All right.
Yeah, it's cool.
Just at least get me off first, all right? That's not very classy.
We're having sex in a fucking chapel.
Come on, you wanna give me blue balls? - It's not fair.
I wake up every day and I - Fuck! Shit! I thought you said the service wasn't for another half hour.
It was.
You take too long to come.
Chaplain, the Jews never put the markers back in the box.
So write to your Congressman.
What if he's a Jewish? There is one art cabinet for everyone and you have to share.
Now, if you please, we need to get ready for mass.
- Sister? The candles.
- Yes.
My service is coming up.
- I wanna hang up my decoration.
- Your decoration? Yep.
Look at it.
I made it in the shop.
Except for it's not done on account that I ran out of glow-in-the-dark paint, but - Doggett, get it out of here.
- What? Why? You know why.
I have explained it to you.
It's not iconography, it's a cross.
Nothing goes on the walls that can't be taken down before the next service.
It's gonna glow in the dark.
Now, Doggett! You know what? Fine.
That's just fine.
It ain't right, and you know it.
Well, this chapel is not just for Christians.
Yeah.
I'm sure if I was a Catholic, you would be much different.
That's not true.
Yep.
It's very true.
'Cause you and that Pope's bitch are running this place! I like to think of myself as more of the Pope's homie.
You know what? You treat everybody here better than me.
Even those witch ladies.
Also not true.
No, it is true.
You let You take them for walks and you As I would take you if your faith required communion with nature.
I don't want to walk! Okay? I'm gonna hang this damn cross! 'Cause it's my religious freedom and you're violating it! You could sue.
I heard about this tranny in Massachusetts.
State paid for her whole hoo-ha.
I don't need them to pay for the car.
I just need them to buy the oil.
What exactly is going on with you anyway? Is it like menopause? Same idea.
Not enough lady juice.
Skin gets loose, tits get saggy.
Hulk get angry.
God! Do not do that! Jesus.
I know what you can do.
You find an old lady lifer and you bum her estrogen.
You think the Fed gives a shit about a felon's hot flashes? None of that gets covered.
Nun gets it.
I'm on the pill line with her.
Bullshit.
It's probably just anti-depressants.
Really? Ever heard of an SSRI called Gynotab? What the fuck? Girl, you pulled my hair! Any available CO to outer gate for inmate transfer.
You don't fucking talk to me, but you want me to thread your eyebrows? Nobody else can do them right.
Besides, we're family.
We fight, but we do shit for each other.
You gonna let me play dominos? You can keep score.
You got some thread? All personnel, 10-21 Jasmine.
Here.
Go find Gloria, see if she'll trade with you.
If not, I'll pull some threads from my jacket.
All right.
Hey.
What are you doing? Trading corn.
Inmates aren't authorized to barter.
- What the fuck is "barter"? - Trade.
- Come on.
Everybody trades - Hey! You want to get written up? Is that what you want? What do you want from me? What do I want? Less attitude! You got that? You're not in charge here.
I am.
- Now give me the corn.
- Yes, sir.
Damn, y'all saw that? He fucking took my corn! Come on down to the hottest spot south of Havana! Brazil's Copacabana Beach.
But I would be careful.
Some of the most beautiful places along the beach are Whatcha making? I'm knitting.
I'm sorry, do I smell? No, she's just in the zone.
How's your Sunday? Pretty nice so far.
I was outside.
It is beautiful up here in the fall.
Yeah, sure.
I got myself incarcerated just so I could see the changing colors.
I'm serious.
I think I need to be outside more.
Weren't you cold? A little.
But it was lovely.
I had my tea, it was almost hot.
I had my book, it was almost good.
And I saw a chicken.
How random is that? What? What? You saw a chicken? Like, a real live chicken in the flesh? Well, it was covered in feathers, but What's going on? You need to talk to Red.
- About what? - You just need to talk to her.
CO to Main Control for a shift briefing.
Dayanara! I unclogged the toilet.
There was a Barbie in it.
Eva? What? Barbie wanted to go scuba diving! Mommy! Help me! Sucio! Get your caqui fingers off me.
Dios mio! She's gonna hit me! You trying to hit your sister? She flushed a Barbie down the toilet! The Barbie Cesar bought you? You think Barbies grow on trees? You think toilets grow on trees? Huh? No.
- What grows on trees? - Nothing.
That's right! You need to look after them better.
- How about you? - I got better things to do.
Get them a pizza if they're hungry.
I'm eating oysters, bitches.
Whatever.
- I want oysters.
- No, you don't.
You're sure it was a chicken? Not a pigeon? No.
What about a quail or a pheasant? Spruce grouse? American bald eagle? It was a chicken.
I know what a chicken looks like.
I don't What's the big deal? There are no chickens around here.
Except for one.
They say she lived on a farm near here.
Till one night, the night before all the other chickens were slaughtered, she escaped.
She's been out there ever since, living off the land.
Living on her wits.
Hey, what's going on? The chicken's back.
Give me a break.
Mom, there is no chicken.
You're wrong! She saw it.
Really? - How'd it get over the fence? - I don't know.
It flew? Chickens don't fly.
It was probably a spruce grouse.
No, it was her.
I saw it in a dream.
Good bye.
She came to me, already dressed in herbs, and a little top hat, black, tilted to one side.
And she said, "Soon, Red, we will be together.
"Soon I will be yours.
" No more processed chicken that looks like a hockey puck and tastes like wet paper.
Real chicken Kiev.
First girl to bag that bird gets a box of Bioré strips.
Me, too? Yes.
You, too.
You did good bringing this to me.
Maybe you're not as useless as I thought.
Sister Ingalls.
How was your service? Fine.
Thank you for asking.
- Sophia.
- Sophia.
That's right.
What was your sermon about? I don't give sermons.
I'm not a priest.
But we did have a good group discussion about overcoming sin.
I'm sorry I missed that.
Really? Are you Catholic? No! But Well, I think a lot about overcoming sin.
And I just love Jesus Christ.
And I've always wanted to try one of those communion wafers.
Well, I have a box of a thousand.
They're not as fresh as the ones you get outside of prison, but they're good with dip.
I forgot my hat.
- Mind if I come with you? - Not at all.
Okay, higher.
Higher.
Yep, higher.
Nope, wait! No! To Okay, now to Look, that doesn't look centered to me, it just Excuse me! Hey, Sister.
Ain't your time through here? I thought you weren't allowed to put that up.
No? That's what the chaplain told you this morning.
Yeah, that's right.
You're the little church mouse that lives in her pocket.
Well, I live in God's pocket.
And she said I couldn't put it up on the walls, but she didn't say I couldn't hang it from the ceiling, all right? So That's not a load-bearing pipe.
What do you know about a load-bearing pipe, lady man? I think I just told you.
Please.
I'll just get my hat.
It's not my business.
I don't want any trouble.
Trouble? There's not gonna be any trouble, okay? This is beautiful.
All right? It's our right as Americans to religious freedom.
Ain't you heard of the Third Amendment? Soldiers should not be given quarter in a house in times of peace? Is that really what the Third Amendment says? I never knew that.
Can you stay out of it? Damn it, Tucky.
I can't go back to seg.
God has chosen to test our conviction.
So Red's okay with me because I saw this chicken, I guess.
And she said I wasn't useless.
Good.
So that's the big news in my small world.
What's happening with Barney's? Did you talk to Weiner? Yes, I have.
Actually, there is Well, it's funny, but there's a problem.
What? They have concerns about our ability to produce since we still don't have a space.
You told them that? They don't need to know that.
Why did you tell them that? I don't know, because they asked? I'm sorry, should I have texted you first? We don't have an official order yet.
They could take us off the shelves.
Well, you know, I was thinking maybe that wouldn't be such a bad idea.
Excuse me? I mean, maybe it's not the best time to expand our business.
Polly, I quit my job for this.
And then you went to prison.
If I'd known you wouldn't be around to handle things, I would have delayed the baby and gotten a puppy.
But I'm the size of Venus and allergic to dogs, so Fuck it.
Polly, we were counting on the extra income.
Please, like you even pay rent.
I pay rent.
Who told you I don't pay rent? Polly, I know that you're having a baby, but what about our baby? What about Baby Poppy? What if Piper talks to Weiner? You have more of a rapport, right? Yes! She likes me! So, should I see if she'll drive up with us next week? No.
We can set up a call.
I'll call you, and then the recording about it being a call from prison will play, and then you can call her from your phone, conference her in, and I can talk to her.
Please? Two minute warning.
Two minutes.
What? Jesus, they don't give you any time.
I know.
Honey, have you talked to your dad about Alex? No, I Not yet.
I will - Faster, please.
Come on.
- Okay, well, I'll ask him about it when I see him later this week.
Ask him what? To look over the indictment.
To see if Alex really named her.
Of course she named me.
It's so obvious.
Then why does his dad need to check? So I can shove it in her smug, lying, fucking lying, fucking face.
I know she's lying.
Hold up.
What, she's in here with you? Yes.
Why didn't you tell me? - You lied to me? - Honey, I didn't lie to you.
I just failed to mention.
I didn't want you to worry.
- Worry? Worry about what? - That she'd turn gay again.
That's not happening.
And you don't just turn gay.
You fall somewhere on a spectrum.
Like, on a Kinsey scale.
Okay.
Besides, she is the last person around here that I'd sleep with.
- Who's the first? - See? I didn't mean that.
I didn't mean that.
I just This is exactly why I didn't want to tell you.
Because I knew that you would do this.
What are you afraid of? That I'm going to do something? Gay? I wasn't before, until you lied.
Now I'm Now I'm wondering if maybe you're worried you will.
- Classic projection.
- Polly, don't help.
Not only is the ceiling ripped open.
Not only is the chapel covered in asbestos, rat shit, God knows what.
- Toxic mold.
- Toxic mold.
But, surprise, surprise, our electrical line has been compromised.
We have to run new electrical.
Officer Luschek, is running new electrical something that you feel particularly excited about doing on a fucking Monday? - Nope.
- Hell nope.
You ought to be relaxing after an exhausting weekend of prostate stimulation and blow-up fuck dolls.
But instead, thanks to this missed opportunity for cradle death, you're here with me.
And all these other shit-birds.
And all this shit.
Man, why she ain't in SHU? Janae got sent to SHU just for talking.
Quiet, or you'll go with her.
It weren't my fault.
I was just doing as the Spirit commanded.
Fuck are you, Joan of Arc? No.
I'm from Waynesboro.
My name is Tiffany She knows what your fucking name is! And you guys can kill each other on your own time.
Hey, Bennett, grab some retards and go start the demo.
- Excuse me.
- Yes? Could we get some masks? For the mold.
And the rat shit dust.
Bennett, go see if you can find some dust masks in the tool shed.
Okay.
Rest of you, go outside.
Start bringing in those sheets of drywall.
- Wait a minute! - What? I don't want "it" here.
Please! That's why this whole thing happened.
God's angry that there's an abomination in the church, and if we don't get rid of "it," it's just gonna keep on happening.
All right, you listen to me.
You are not an agent of God, okay? God can do so much better than you.
You must know that, right? Know what? Jesus Christ, how the fuck did you survive infancy? - My auntie helped my momma - That's a rhetorical question! Do you not understand what a fucking rhetorical question is? Sophia just cares about the church.
And she just wants to help.
Help clean up the mess you made.
You see, there, Pennsyltucky? That's just what I've been saying the whole time.
You're an idiot.
I want to fuck Jesus in his hand-hole.
All right.
Let's get to work.
Hey.
I thought that we might get masks, too? There's not enough.
That's what you get for acting uppity.
Okay, so about the chicken What about it? It's like Red's version of the white whale.
No, no, no, I saw it.
I really did.
All right.
It's just you and the crackheads then.
But at least you're getting in good with Captain Ahab.
Better her ship than the ocean.
So I take it you're not gonna come look for it after work? What, the chicken? We're gonna search the yard.
Morello invited me.
Morello and I are sort of taking a break.
I'm sorry to hear that.
What happened? Yeah, she still thinks her relationship with her fiance isn't doomed.
But she'll be back.
Nothing lasts.
Twenty.
You got that? What's the score? Hold up, let me add it up.
Come on, chicken! Red's looking for the chicken again.
That bitch is crazy.
Who gives a shit about a chicken? Maybe it's not the chicken but what's within the chicken.
You trying to sound deep? Nah.
My boy, Potato Chip, told me that when he was down, they used to bring in dope by putting that shit inside birds.
- Chickens? - Nah.
I think it was like a pigeon or something.
Did they stick it up the butt? Nah.
They put it in a little baggie, stuff it down the throat.
But maybe they put it in the butt, too.
There's no chicken.
That's a fairy tale.
My boy said that shit's worth, like, $1,000, yo.
And that's just from what they put inside a pigeon.
A chicken's got a much bigger butt.
Are you kidding me? Yo, Spanish mamis got something going on.
- Ain't you going, too? -No.
No, you'd rather sit and scribble love notes.
Don't play dumb, I know what you're doing.
I seen you leave a kite and I know who for.
You followed me? I'm telling you, you're wasting your time with that one.
Not that you're not pretty.
I don't mean it like that.
It's just, you gonna fuck a guard, fuck a fat one.
That way they're more appreciative.
Let you sneak in cigarettes.
Maybe bring you McDonald's.
Is that how you really think? That's how you need to start thinking.
I'm trying to look out for you.
I don't fuck dudes for Big Macs.
- But you fuck 'em.
- Yeah.
So what do you fuck 'em for? Love? 'Java'? Daysâ.
! Hi, baby! Hello, my little angel.
How you doing? Where's your brother and sisters? I don't know.
I'm hungry.
There's food in the kitchen.
Why didn't you Go ahead.
I'll go.
And Paco's like, "He's not an eggplant, he's retarded!" What do you want? What are you doing in here? Get out.
Eva's hungry.
I need to make her something to eat.
So make her something.
But, hey, you better make me something, too, if you're in here.
You can't eat that.
It's shaped like animals.
So, I don't give a fuck.
It tastes the same.
But it's made for kids.
I'm just trying to look out for you, so people don't think you're a faggot.
You wanna wear Superman undies and eat kids' food, be my guest.
Maybe I should get you a propeller beanie and you can hang out on the corner.
Go out and buy some real food.
Keep the change.
Buy a smile? Cesar, how much longer we have to do this here? Not long.
Pepe may have found a new spot.
What's the matter? You don't like me anymore? All right, extend that rear leg.
Challenge yourselves, but don't forget to breathe.
- What do I do with my arms? - Extend the arms.
Soft eyes, Morello.
Excuse me.
What's happening? We got AA.
No, not right now you don't.
We're doing yoga.
This is our time.
Well, they sent us here 'cause the chapel's wrecked.
Now, don't worry.
You just keep on doing what you're doing.
Yeah, let's see one of these downward facing doggie styles.
Soft eyes, Morello.
Soft eyes.
This is unacceptable.
Norma, take over for me.
I'm getting Caputo.
I'm sorry, am I disturbing you? Man, I did it.
I fucked up your Zen.
No.
Wouldn't wanna accidentally kick you in the face.
"So we do not lose heart.
"Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.
" - What's that? - Corinthians 4:16.
Just something I say to myself when I think my ass looks fat.
So you do understand what I've been going through.
I know, changes in the body can be painful.
But remember, your body is just the ship.
Your soul is the passenger.
There's another passage here.
- So you been through menopause? - Yes, dear.
Did you just pray that you'd get through it? More or less.
What's the "more" part? And the "less"? I also exercised regularly.
See, it's especially hard for me because it's taken me so long to get to this point.
And I'm just not ready to give it up, you know? Yes, you said.
- And I sacrificed so much.
- Right.
And I feel like finally, finally, I'm the woman that God intended me to be, you know? - That's wonderful.
- Yeah.
You're not getting my hormones.
Now, shall we return to Scripture? You knew? This whole time? I figured it out when you thought "Stations of the Cross" meant Christian radio.
So you've been playing with me? You may be unhappy, but it has nothing to do with your body.
If you were truly a woman, you'd never be happy with that anyway.
You have guilt.
About what? About leaving your wife to take care of Michael alone.
About Michael being Don't you talk to me about that! You don't get to talk to me about that.
- Sophia! - Leave me alone! Attention all personnel, be advised, count.
So there I am, topless, sitting on this bulldozer, like, in a construction site.
So I'm sitting there, barbecue sauce on my titties, and I'm like, "What the fuck? Again?" And then I look down and I see there's this dude down on the ground with his head by, like, the tire.
And then I look close and I recognize it's the bum from the night before that was hollerin' at me outside of Pizzeria Uno.
And when I look closer, I see the dude is wearing my shirt and he's got barbecue sauce all over his face and he's He's dead.
And that's when I knew it was time to make a change.
Thank you.
Almost the exact same thing happened to me, but it was tuna salad.
All right.
We will now, once again, go into a forward bend, and when you're ready, relax back into Shavasana.
Anyone else feel like sharing today? - Anybody? - I'll share.
I don't have a great rock-bottom story because my rock bottom is happening right now.
Not that you're not all great, but I guess I just thought I'd never be here.
You know, I thought I was someone who was in control.
And I was in control, for a while.
When I only dealt heroin.
Not even dealt.
I mean, I was an importer.
But, yeah, I was going through a break-up, and it was around.
Actually, I think it's more accurate to say that I was abandoned.
But, anyway, I started using.
Are you finished? Yes, thank you.
That was wonderful.
Heroin was the best girlfriend that I ever had.
You know, she always made me feel better, and she was always available.
But even the best girls will fuck you over, you know? Yeah, you would fucking know, wouldn't you? Damn, I thought yoga was supposed to relax you.
You want to know if she fingered her? I think that's been established.
Please, Dad.
No jokes.
I can't take it right now.
- Howard, leave him alone.
- You leave me alone.
Larry, have you weatherized yet? I know it looks tacky, but if you put up the plastic, you'll save a lot of money on heating.
Those windows are very old.
I'm going to, Mom.
And I'm sorry I'm late with the rent.
It's all right.
As long as you take care of us when we're dying.
Though you might want to think about getting a job at some point.
He has a job.
He's a writer.
All it takes is one article.
For what? To get paid 50 bucks? To lead to bigger things.
You have any projects you're working on? Yes, Mom, thank you.
As a matter of fact, I do.
- I'm working on an article right now.
- What's it about? It's a trend piece, about something called edging.
It's when you have sex or masturbate without coming.
Without coming? That sounds unhealthy.
A man needs to come.
Larry, tell me you're coming.
I shouldn't have said anything.
Howard, tell Larry he needs to come.
You could get blocked up! - I'll tell him.
- Listen to your father.
You two want some soup? The girl made soup.
- Soup would be nice.
- I'm fine.
Thank you.
I'll get for both of you.
Dad, please.
I know you don't like Piper, but I'm asking you to help me.
Who said I don't like her? I like her.
She's the nicest felon you've ever dated.
Stop.
I just think she's a bit wispy.
I thought you'd end up with someone more substantial.
Are you talking about her moral character or the size of her breasts? Please.
I'm an ass man.
He's an ass man.
You asked about her girlfriend? Ex-girlfriend.
I have looked over the indictment.
And? It states that, unequivocally, Alex Vause gave her name.
Good.
Thank you.
Good? How is that good? It's good that Piper'll know for sure.
And she'll hate her more, so she'll stay away from her.
- Listen, Larry, don't tell her.
- Why? Prison is a fishbowl, son.
The last thing she needs is an enemy to obsess over, do something stupid out of anger.
She should serve her time and leave without any trouble.
- I'm not gonna lie to my fiancée.
- Why not? Because our relationship doesn't work that way.
Yes, yes.
It's based on trust and honesty.
Even though she neglected to tell you that she's in there with this Alex until now? Okay, first of all, it's only been three weeks, and she didn't want to tell me because she didn't want me to get upset.
So, why should you upset her? No.
No.
I'm not gonna lie to protect her like she's some helpless thing, okay? Honesty is the best policy.
I really believe that.
Larry, remember all those special achievement ribbons you earned as a child? Yeah.
You notice how there was never a public ceremony? You did win that one for tidiest cubby in preschool.
But the truth is overrated.
My advice, keep her focused on her life outside, her business, her friends.
The wedding.
Whether or not you actually go through with it.
Here, Larry.
Eat your soup.
You're the best soup eater in America.
He's got it! Find that chicken, babe, you got it? Chicken! Here, chicky, chicky, chicky.
What's going on? There's $1,000 inside a chicken somewhere.
Everyone's looking for it.
- What? - You.
This is your fault.
You've been blabbing all over about the chicken, haven't you? Not really.
But even if I had, you never told me it was a secret.
Because I thought you had common sense.
Black girls hear about a chicken, of course this will happen.
Why, because all black people love chicken? Don't be racist.
Because they're all on heroin, and somebody's been telling them there's heroin in the chicken.
I heard it's a gun.
Okay, I had nothing to do with this.
You cannot blame this on me.
I just told you what I saw.
Right, what you "saw.
" Why are you using air quotes? Are you saying that I'm lying? Maybe you wanted to impress people.
I did not even know this was a thing that was impressive.
If she hasn't been scared off, the Spanish or the blacks have her.
Those Spanish probably won't even eat her, just cut her throat and drink her blood, or something else superstitious.
All I wanted was to eat the chicken that is smarter than other chickens and to absorb its power.
And make a nice Kiev.
But, oh, well.
So, what? You're just gonna give up? Just because of a little competition? That chicken is out there, Red, and it's waiting for you.
To eat it.
And you have been waiting for a very long time to eat it.
What do those other girls have that you don't have? They have dogs.
Dogs does not a chicken catch.
Determination, Red.
That's what catches chickens.
Who wants that chicken the most? Who will prepare that chicken most expertly? The woman who dreams about it.
The woman who was born to eat that chicken.
You.
That's mine! That's my chicken! What the hell is the matter with you? You tryin' out for the retard Olympics? Somebody shove some dynamite up your ass? Do you want to get shot? Trust me.
We got a lot of bullets up in that guard tower.
So if that's what you want, just try that shit again.
You are not supposed to run.
Remind me never to listen to you.
So, why are you running? For a fucking chicken? Who the fuck told you there was a chicken in my yard? But that's not fair! It's more than fair.
You know the rules about running.
Who's next? Chapman.
You're gonna have a swell time down the hill, blondie.
Trust me, he's gonna break you.
Yes, thank you.
And that was not necessary.
Please close the door on your way out.
Attention, inmates.
Multiple code violations will result in loss of privileges.
So, I'm not sure if I have the rumor straight.
Is the chicken filled with money, or heroin, or guns, or candy? No, no.
Mr.
Healy, this is I'm not sending you down the hill.
You made a mistake.
You're new.
Thank you.
Probably just wanted to impress people, be a big shot.
- So you started making up stories.
- No! It's all right.
I understand.
You think this is the first time that I've heard about the "chicken"? It's popular fiction.
It's like global warming or female ejaculation.
No! No.
No, it's not.
This is real.
How is it real? Wait, which? The chicken.
And the The chicken.
There's a triple razor wire fence around this camp.
It's impossible.
And if you think that chickens can fly, well, we better go to Wikipedia right away.
Oh, my God, you have the Internet.
Look, I don't care if you've seen this thing or not.
But I don't want you exciting the other inmates with this kind of talk.
They're not like you and me.
They're less reasonable.
Less educated.
And I don't want you making up stories to Red.
You know how Russians love chicken.
Moving forward, I want you to keep your head down.
Don't make any more boastful claims.
- Don't - See a chicken.
Exactly.
Now, repeat after me.
There is no chicken.
There never was any chicken.
The chicken is an urban myth.
A grand illusion.
Something to give your life meaning, but which is in fact not there.
We will make a poster.
Yo, chicken lady.
I got my visitation revoked 'cause of you.
What'd you get? I should've fuckin' known.
I don't mess with no heroin, but I love me some candy.
- You better watch it with the stories.
- I didn't Bravo dorms, assemble for visitation hail.
Still open? In some tribal cultures, the transgender person is regarded as a shaman.
Trying to convert me to paganism now? Whatever works.
It's not a very Catholic thing to say.
I'm not here as a Catholic, I'm here as a friend.
I'll cut your hair.
But I ain't giving you no confession.
I already know how I feel.
I let 'em down.
You're still here.
And the best thing you can do for them is be strong.
Inside.
You already have the Playboy body.
What are you doing reading Playboy? I read everything.
Why did God have to give me that stupid penis? I don't know.
Any more than I know why he gave men nipples.
There are mysteries.
And as a Catholic, I enjoy them.
The mysteries, that is.
Well, I enjoy the nipples.
So now they think that I'm a liar.
That I made it up.
I don't understand.
Why would I make something like that up? I don't know.
Hey, you have that call with Weiner later, right? Yes.
- You ready? - I'm ready.
That's good.
Because I can't ask my parents for any more money, okay? No.
Yes.
And I can't ask mine either.
Okay, we can't ask anyone's parents for any more money.
- So make it a slam dunk, all right? - Yes.
By the time you get out of prison, you'll be a big-time soap baron, I'll be a famous journalist, and we'll start our life.
Life already has started.
I'm in here.
And I'm here with you.
But let's just be honest with each other, okay, Pipes? I wanna know what's going on.
Yes.
I'm sorry that I didn't tell you about Alex.
It's okay.
It has nothing to do with me being attracted to her.
Really.
I just I didn't want you to know that I was in here with somebody that I hate so much.
Oh, my God, I swear, sometimes when I'm around her, I feel like I'm going crazy.
Well, as long as you keep your figure.
- Hey, did I tell you what happened in yoga? - No.
She was just there.
Trying to antagonize me.
I swear, Larry, I could smash her in the face.
Okay, well, don't Don't do anything like that.
Okay? - Anyhow, about Alex--- -Oh, my God.
I bet it was her.
I bet she's the one who's been spreading rumors about me.
I bet she told everybody that I lied about the chicken! Okay, Piper, let's drop the chicken for now.
It's not important.
It's my rep! Piper, it's not important.
This is real life.
Please don't get dragged into the prison drama.
Look, I know it's like a fishbowl in there, but try.
Focus.
Larry, I know that you're right, but I have to live in this fishbowl and it's just Just let him do his krumping and have a good time.
hard.
I know.
So, what were you saying? About Alex.
I talked to my dad about the indictment.
And? She didn't name you.
I guess it was someone else from the ring.
- Piper, are you there? - Yeah, I'm here.
- Did you hear me? - Yes, I heard you.
I know it's surprising, but this is Pipes, this is good, really, because now you don't have to feel crazy, or angry.
You can just do your time and stay away from that asshole.
It's just that, Larry, now this This means that I'm the asshole.
Swing shift guard detail.
P.
m.
cell check to commence at 2130 hours.
What are you talking about, Cesar can't make it? I don't know.
That's what he said.
I take a fall for that motherfucker, the least he could do is visit.
Is he paying rent? Is he buying groceries? Yeah, but I don't want him in the apartment.
Why? Is he bringing girls home? No.
Because he Hey, I have an idea, you want to ask how we're doing? - Mommy.
- Answer the question.
Is he fucking around? I did answer the question.
You know we took a bus three hours to get here? Mommy, I made a paper airplane.
Are you fucking him? Please.
You have got to be kidding me.
- Mommy! - What? I made a paper airplane.
- Where's your stupid paper airplane? - At home.
Well, then why do I care? You want to show me something? You can't show me something I can't see! What are you, stupid? You tell that motherfucker he better visit.
He owes me.
When in the visitation room, you're allowed two hugs.
One on arrival, and one on departure.
Good, you're home.
Won't you make us something to eat? Take off.
Be out.
How your tits be so big, your mom's so small, huh? - Well, I guess I get 'em from my dad.
- Yeah? You said five minutes.
Please.
I just need five more minutes.
That's all.
This is a very important phone call.
I'm on hold.
It's about my company.
Man, I doubt you even got a company.
You all talk.
See, there you go.
Piper? Are you still there? Yes, I'm right here.
What's going on? I'm in a conference with Weiner on the other line.
How do I punch you in? I don't know, it's your phone.
All right, hold on.
I have to ask Pete.
I'll be right back.
- No, no, no! Polly, wait, I don't - Pete! Polly, Polly, Polly Please revise count.
It is not clear.
Please conduct a recount.
Hey.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! - Hey! Get off, man! - There it is! Look! There it is! There's the Hey! Hey! Are you using the phone? Yes! I'm on hold.
Hey! Hey! Make your call or free up the phone now.
Okay, Piper? I figured it out.
Everyone's on the other line.
I'm punching you in, okay? Piper? Piper, are you there? Dandelion ain't here right now.
She gone to chase the chicken.
Chapman! What did I tell you about running in the yard? I'm sorry, sir.
It's just that Both feet on the ground at all times.
What? Nothing.
Just trying to get some fitness, that's all.
Two speeds in my yard.
Walk and shuffle.