Outnumbered (2007) s01e05 Episode Script

- (Rumbling) - (Sue shouting) OK, everyone, how we doing? Ben, have you got your stuff? Karen? (Rattling) Oh, bloody hell! - Has someone been putting forks down here? - I've got a headache.
Well, a brisk walk to school, that's the best thing for a headache.
I got a tummy ache.
Oh, that's a shame.
Always get a tummy ache on a Wednesday, don't you? It's like a it's like a mangledpair of scissors.
I think I've got a few viruses that makes me too ill to go to school.
- No, you're fine.
Karen! - I'm not fine! I might be sick.
(Karen) I can't find my other shoe! - I really am quite poorly.
- Karen! - Where did you last see them? - (Karen) I lost them! - I can't find my hairbrush to brush my hair! - (Sue) Well, where did you last see it? (Clears throat) Nasty little cough you've got there, Ben.
Now get your swimming stuff.
It's Wednesday.
If there's one thing I can't do, then it's definitely swimming.
Could you send them a note? I'm gonna send them a note saying, ''Ben is pretending to be ill.
'' What if I really am ill and I die? Yeah, we'd be very upset, but we'd learn to live with it.
Now come on, get your swimming stuff.
Off you go.
- You OK, Jake? - Yeah, not bad.
Good.
Good.
Look, this this bullying thing at school.
- Is it just the one kid doing it? - I don't want to talk about it.
- But you have to talk about it.
- Dad, just chill, OK? - (Phone rings) - I am chilled, it's just - (Karen shouting) - (Phone ringing) Hello? Oh, hi, Veronica.
- (Sue) Karen! - Sue's in the middle of something.
Can (Karen) It's mine! Is it? Sue? It's Veronica.
(Sighs) Can I call her back? Can she call you back, Veronica? - No, you can't, apparently.
- (Sighs) (Running steps) Oh, hi, Veronica.
Yeah.
Yeah, I did get it.
It's just a bit hectic here today.
Yeah, well, can Did it have to be today? Only Yeah, it does have to be today.
OK, right.
Who is Veronica? Veronica's a lady your mummy works for part time.
16 days a week.
- All right, bye! - Come on, get your shoes on.
One day they're gonna find that woman dead in a lay-by with her BlackBery shoved down her throat.
l just tried to chat to Jake about the bullying thing, and he told me to chill.
The school seemed to be reasonably well across it.
How can you tell? I was bullied for ages and the school did nothing about it.
Yeah, but that was 30 years ago and bullying was part of the curriculum then.
- They're much hotter about it now.
- (Running steps) There's very little to be gained from just wading in.
I'm not wading in.
I'm trying to check What are you doing? I've just stacked that.
l know, but if you put the bowls there and the mugs there and the glasses there, they clean better.
- Where does it say bowk have to go there? - It doesn't.
- (Phone) - It's just a fact.
Can somebody get that? And if it's for me, can you take a message? - What are you doing? - I'm putting a bowl there.
- (Sue) Yes, but the glasses go there.
Look.
- (Ringing) - Hello.
- (Raised voices) Hello, Auntie Angela.
Good.
Is your hair really that colour? Would you like me to print out your letter of apology Sorry, statement of regret? No.
No, I'm still drafting it.
The Head can wait another day.
lt doesn't read as very regretful, does it? ''Your respectful servant'', thatthat sounds sarcastic.
Good.
OK, wagons roll.
l don't know, all this fuss over one comment about one chubby boy.
Yeah, that's what that journalist said.
Journalist? I thought the Head said that you weren't supposed to speak to anyone.
l didn't talk to him.
He asked me some questions and I refused to comment.
But that's talking to him.
What if he prints it? He's not going to.
l haven't given him anything to print.
- Which paper was it? - The local rag.
The one that's totally free and yet somehow you still feel cheated.
l think I've got bovine TB.
l might give it to the whole school if l - (Clattering) - .
.
if l, umgo swimming.
Have you put your homework in your book bag? The homework you did for Mrs Baxter.
Ben, you said you'd done it! - (Amplified) I know, but I haven't.
- Why do l - (Phone) - Oh, it's so You know the really stupid thing about lying, Ben? It's pointless.
Oh, hi, Veronica.
No, I haven't managed to make a start on it.
The truth comes out always, every time.
- No, it doesn't.
- It does.
What about murderers? They lie.
- Some don't get caught.
- No, they always catch them.
You're always saying the police are useless.
How can they catch murderers if they're useless? This isn't about murderers, Ben.
It is about you.
You need to understand Come on, Dad, we don't have time for this.
What about Batman? Does he lie? Yeah, but only to protect his secret identity.
It's not the same type of lie.
- Oh, come on! - (Sue) You see, the thing is Karen, come on.
Karen.
It's school time now.
Out the door.
(Sue) I'm not saying that I can't do it.
You see, what Batman did wasn't really lying, was it? - It was just being economical with the truth.
- No, he lied.
- No, I'm not saying I can't do it.
- (Pete) Only to protect his secret identity.
- It's going to be a very heavy day.
- (Pete) It's for his job.
But, crucially, he didn't lie about his homework.
- You are going to have an equally heavy day - Mind your feet.
- No, he doesn't lie.
- Charming! She hung up on me.
I could murder her.
(Ben) Dad says you'll get caught.
(Sue) Everybody happy? (Ben) I'm going to be sick.
Here it comes.
(Sue) No, you're not.
And don't force it.
(Pete) You're not gonna be sick.
(Ben) Yes, I am.
(Pete) If you are, be sick in your book bag.
(Phone rings) - (News on TV3 - Hello? Oh, hi, Veronica.
- Daddy! - Hello.
Whoa! Up you come.
Is it true that those people really took pictures of fairies? - What people? - Those people.
Some people did take pictures of fairies, yeah.
But it was about 100 years ago, and then they all turned out to be faked in the end.
Why? Couldn't they find any real fairies to photograph? Well, no No, real fairies are very hard to spot, aren't they? - Have you ever seen one? - I have.
I saw two.
l saw a real fairy with the tooth fairy because she was having a new job and so sheso the other tooth fairy was bringing her along to see - Really? - .
.
show her what they do.
That'd be a fairy on work experience.
You're very lucky to see that second fairy, cos normally they'd just be doing the photocopying or something.
Who faked those photos? Well, actually, it was somesome little girls.
You know what happened? Everybody got very excited.
- Then they found out that it was a trick.
- (Creak) Because the truth will out, Ben, you see? Always.
- How was school? - The nurse sent me home.
- What? - I said I was ill.
She rang Mummy, and Mummy came and picked me up.
So youso you went to the nurse and you said you were unwell and the nurse just sent you home straightaway just like that? - Yeah, she's new.
- Right.
Well, if you're so very ill, you'd better go and have a lie-down.
Yeah, I'm just gonna lie down on my bed and watch little Britain on the internet.
No, you are not to watch little Britain on the internet.
- (ftadío) It's 5:27, We have a competítíon,,, - (Pete) I mean it, Ben! - Stop telling me the ing time.
- (Pete) You're not going on the Internet.
- You OK? - Yeah, I'm dandy.
- So the nurse sent him home, did she? - Yeah, quarter past ten, dozy cow.
He's been driving me nuts all day.
Veronica's been driving me nuts, the computer's been driving me nuts, and now this is driving me nuts.
Apart from that How was your day? Oh, middling.
- How's Jake? - I don't know.
He's not back yet.
- He's a bit late, isn't he? - Is he? I suppose he is.
Oh, the traffic's horrendous.
He's he's probably stuck on a bus or something.
Yeah, that'll be it.
l spoke to Frank Morrison today.
- Who's Frank Morrison? - He's the head of IT.
Shall I do that? ls that a genuine offer or are you just saying that? The second one.
Frank Morrison, he's got grown-up kids now but when they were little, he took them out of school for a year and they went travelling.
Said it was brilliant, and there was no problem whatsoever apparently.
- Do you think foxes go to heaven? - Why do you ask? Because I saw a dead fox in the, umplaying ground at school.
lt depends what kind of life they've lived.
l don't suppose the foxes that rip open our bin bags are going to heaven.
- If the Morrisons - The money will run out.
- It wouldn't have to because I could work - Do you believe in God? Well, um l don't know.
l often ask myself the same question.
No, no, no.
No, no.
l want a I want a clear answer.
Do you believe in God? l think people should be able to believe whatever they want to believe.
l know, I know that.
But I want to know what you believe.
Do you believe in God? Right, well, umOK.
l think, probably, umyou know, whenwhen I think about it, that there must be some kind of - (Doorbell) - That'll be Jake.
Forgotten his keys again.
- Mummy, do you believe in God? - Mummy's unblocking the sink, darling.
(Car alarm) - Hello.
- Oh, hi, Angela.
Dropping these off.
Spare keys to Dad's place.
- Come and have a cup of tea.
- Umwell, I can't stop.
- Hi, Auntie Angela.
- Hiya, Ben.
- You OK? - I've got a bug.
Oh.
Well, you look quite healthy.
- Yeah, it's one of the symptoms, apparently.
- Ah.
Have you got any chocolate? - Er - No.
It'll be tea time soon.
(Sue) Not at this rate it won't.
Hiya.
lsn't life too short to be doing that? Oh, make yourself useful, Ange.
Get rid of that, will you? Do you believe in God, Auntie Angela? Well, yes, I suppose I do in a way.
l mean, I suppose that I believe that God is everywhere in everything.
He's in the sky and in the sea and in - I'm so sorry, that was so rude.
Karen! - No, no, no, she's fine.
leave her.
I'd no idea I was so boring.
- How you getting on, then, with your dad? - Yeah, good, fine.
Getting used to his foibles.
He started sorting through the loft over and over again.
That's a symptom, actually.
l don't think everything he does can be a symptom.
l think that's probably not the way to approach it.
- (Door shuts) - Ah, there he is.
- Hi.
How was school? - All right.
- Any problems? - No.
- Good.
Your Auntie Angela's here.
- Hi, Auntie Angela.
- Hi, darling.
How was your day? - All right.
All right's all right, isn't it? - Oh, what's for tea? - I thought I'd send out, to be honest.
- Can we have Chinese? - You're a bit late back.
- Oh, yeah, traffic was bad.
- I said it would be that.
But, you know, next time you're running a bit late, just give us a ring on the old moby, eh? - Yeah, sorry.
- That's all right.
Next time.
I'm a bit tired so I'm gonna, you know, switch my brain off.
- He seems fine.
- Is he having problems? No.
No, no, just normal boy stuff.
(Karen) Give it! It's mine! (Ben) No! - Your turn.
- Why don't I have a crack at the sink? Your turn.
Go now.
- It's mine! Giye it now! - No.
- Oi, you two.
- She started it.
- I haven't even asked who started it.
- But he called me a rude word.
He called me lezzer, which I don't like.
- He called me a lezzer, which I don't like.
- No, I don't blame you And a tosspiece.
- I especially don't like lezzer.
- .
.
no.
For your information, lezzer isn't a bad word.
lt is a bad word, it is very unkind, - and you don't know what it means.
- I do.
- A lezzer is a lady who likes - 'Ey! - I don't want any more going on.
- Yes, but he kicked me.
- Did you kick her? - But I thought she had knee protectors on.
How can you think that she's wearing knee protectors? Look, you can see her knees.
And anyway, you don't kick her.
He charged at me with a Frisbee and it hit me.
- Frisbees are not - Frisbees are more sharp.
Because they have a sharp end here.
And also they hurt when you do that, and that one - Ben, you sit there.
And you on the stairs.
- Ow! Now, I am going downstairs, and you two are gonna stay ten feet apart from each other, OK? Now, do you think you can do that? Good.
(Karen) He called me a lezzer.
(Ben) She charged me with a fairy wand.
(Karen) No, no, no! (Ben) She started it! (Pete) Karen! Ben! Stop! l mean, he hadn't wanted me physically for ages, but you kid yourself, don't you, that's it's all OK (Sniffs) .
.
and then you find out you've been lied to and the scales fall from your eyes andand you realise that every relationship is a lie! - (Sniffs) - Yeah.
Sorry, Jake.
(Sniffs) It's just come pouring out.
l suppose I sensed it was over but it's still a shock, isn't it? ll know, yeah.
Yeah.
No.
Well, but No.
Veronica, you see, technically - No, I can absolutely - (Pete) .
.
ten feet from each other .
.
track down the printer for you.
- It's just Yeah? - (Ben) How far is ten feet? - No, it's just that it might - (Thump) lt might not be in - Just be friends! - (Karen) I need to go to the bathroom.
Ten feet apart.
(Angela) The worst part is you feel so stupid.
l mean, you actually feel ashamed.
It's ridiculous, isn't it? - (Creaks) - You OK, Angela? Oh, it was so silly, Pete.
Jake and I were just chatting and then it all came pouring out of me! (Sniffs) I mean, I've been wanting to tell someone about Tell them what? Trent and me well there is no Trent and me.
Oh.
Right, I see.
Trent needs more space.
- Right.
- But that's just code for seeing someone else.
(Sobs) Yes.
ll know, Veronica.
I'm sure that Roger isis being a complete git, whichwhich makes more Yes, and I will do what you want me to do.
It's just that if you keep ringing up every half an hour to see whether I've done it yet, it's going to be a bit slower.
Do youdo you get what I mean? Excuse me a minute, Veronica.
- What you after? - Brandy.
Angela's crying.
- Trent's ditched her.
- Told you.
Sue, your sister is crying.
Oh, yeah, right.
Sorry.
l really thought he was the one.
(Sniffing) Has Grandad died? No, darling, Grandad's fine.
It's just something not very nice happened to Auntie Angela and she's being a bit silly, that's all.
- (Dog barking) - (Siren wailing) Oh! D'you want to stay and eat with us, Ange? And, you know, if I'm honest, we've been struggling for a while.
- (Karen) I don't want to eat that.
- There were a few issues.
- (Ben taps chopsticks) - And Trent and I are both a bitbit volatile so it was like fire meets fire and that just makes - (Ben) I'm playing the drums.
- .
.
more fire.
l tell you, you two are so lucky.
What d'you mean by that? Well, you're both so solid.
Well, I can be firey.
I can be quite firey.
- It's just that I've learnt how to control it.
- (Pete) Ha-ha! - What? - Nothing.
- (Ben) Die! - Got another bottle.
You didn't exactly control it when you shouted at that traffic warden, did you? What's a Nazi? A Nazi is a very unpleasant person - who believes - Very unpleasant things.
What things do they believe? Well, Nazis think that they are better than other people.
They didn't like anyone who was different.
They didn't like people who were Jewish and they didn't like people So you called that traffic warden a Nazi for all those things that he believed? Well, no, he I was feeling very angry and, very wrongly, very wrongly, I called him A Nazi ratbag.
Oh, not this again.
I mean, I was exaggerating a little bit and I felt cross.
The Nazis were a group of Germans who chased everybody with machine guns and they were led byAdi Hitler.
Adi Hitler? Only to his mates, though, I guess - Adolf.
- Hermie, and Jojo.
- What's a ratbag? - It's a bag where you put rats in.
No, it isn't! It's ait's a rat.
Andand you use its tail forfor the handle for the bag and you put things inside it and thatand that keeps it andand that's a ratbag.
- You mean like a handbag? - That's very creative, Karen.
- Yeah.
- Might get your mother a Versace ratbag.
Maybe it's an airbag for a rat.
- What, if a rat was driving a car? - Yeah.
That can be useful for Wind In The Willows.
Can I ask you a question? - What? - Are you eating or are you knitting? - Both.
- OK.
I'd better be making tracks.
l don't want Dad to worry.
He won't be.
He knows you're here.
I phoned him.
- Yeah, but I don't like leaving him alone.
- All right, then.
Thank you, guys.
You've really cheered me up.
- Bye-bye.
- Nice to see you.
And you, my love.
Oh, good luck with the plumbing.
Oh, that's defeated me.
I'm gonna get a nice Polish man out in the morning.
You know, Trent and me, l think perhaps it's a blessing.
l mean, if I was still with him I'd never have come home andand this feels so right for me now.
lt feels so permanent.
Well, that's good.
Mm.
And Trent's loss is our gain.
(Running steps) Thank you.
- (Shouting) - Have a good trip home.
- Hey, Jake, come and look at this.
- (Angela) It's sweet of you to give me tea.
- It's Ben.
- (Sue) Good seeing you.
Speak to you soon.
- Ben hasn't got red hair.
- Yeah, but his head's on fire.
Oh.
(Siren blaring) - I know that face.
- Well, admit it.
She's serious about sticking around and looking after your dad.
- I suppose so.
- She's coping really well.
Which means that the burden is taken off your shoulders and ako means that we are free.
As soon as we sell the children to Angelina Jolie.
- Hm.
- You have to learn how to accept good news.
Yeah, suppose so.
Mm? - Eurgh, yuck.
- Yes? - Can we help you? - Yes.
I'm, erI'm feeling poorly.
ln what way poorly? I'm beneath the weather.
ln what way beneath the weather? I've got toothache, backache, headache, - faceache - Excellent.
- Why is it excellent? - Notnot excellent.
Bad.
l might be too ill to go to school tomorrow.
Maybe I need some medicine.
No, my darling, I know what you need.
- What do I need? - Acting lessons.
Up you go.
Karen! Bath! Bath time! - You OK? - Fine.
- Fancy a kickabout? - Mm, d'you mind if we don't right now? No, that's fine.
- So today was all right, was it? - Yeah.
- (Mobile beeps) - Fine.
I've got a new mobile phone so we need to load the number into yours.
We can do that later, can't we? We can do it now.
Come on, it won't take a minute.
Where's your mobile? l haven't got it.
- You've lost your mobile phone? - No, I haven't lost it.
I know where it is.
- Well, where is it? - (Sighs) Someone's got it.
That boy's stolen your mobile phone off you.
No, it's not stealing, is it? l know where it is.
The school said they would deal with it.
I'm gonna go in there No, Dad, no, please.
Dad, don't, please.
Please, Dad, please, Dad.
Please don't.
Don't do anything.
I can handle it.
Please.
lt has to be sorted out, Jake.
- Yeah, I know.
It's just - Just what? Every time you try to sort things out, nearly every time, you make it worse.
I'm sorry, but it's the truth.
(Sue) Here we go, then.
You're my lunch.
''You're my lunch!'' roared the hungry alligator.
''I'll eat half of you now and I'll save the rest till later.
'' No, no, no! No, no! You don't read it like that.
Read it how Daddy reads it, likelike, like, like like in different voices like I've only just started.
Wait and see what I give you.
- But that's not - Ah ! - .
.
how the alligator speaks.
- Yes, but it is What Daddy does is he does, ''You're my lunch!'' and he does different - What, likehe's a Welsh alligator? - No, he does (Welsh accent) ''You're my lunch!'' roared the hungy alligator.
- No, because he doesn't do that.
- Well - He does it in a different sort of voice.
- OK, then, I will.
Just give me a chance.
Cos I haven't got very far in yet, have I? Let's just see if I can rise to Daddy's lofty heights.
Butbut Daddy does it in like a really Well, perhaps we should get Daddy.
Daddy's busy, cos Daddy's downstairs watching the television so I am reading the story and if you would like me to read Pery The Puffin, then this is how it's going to be.
(High-pitched) ''You're my lunch!'' - roared the hungy alligator.
- No, no, no.
''I'll eat half of you now and save the rest till later.
'' - ''Well, you can't eat me,'' said Charlie the - Daddy does them like - (Phone rings) - No, not me.
You can't eat me.
(High-pitched) No, not me.
You can't eat me.
Does he? Does he? Good old Daddy.
- ''Oh, bother!'' said the hungry alligator.
- Mum! Veronica's on the phone.
- (Sue) Can you tell her I'll call her back? - She says she's gonna call you back.
- (Man) We have our competítíon,,, - Pillock.
- (Man 2) Díd you know,,, - Pillock.
- (Man 3) People come ínto thís country,,, - Git.
- (Woman) Now I'm really excíted,,, - Vanessa Felct.
- (Switches channels) - OK? Yeah, I'm fine.
What age do your children start thinking of you as incompetent? Oh, I don't know.
Three? Two? Better go and ring the witch.
Prat.
- (Woman) .
.
raín ínterspersed - You know nothing about the weather.
- (Ben) I feel sick! - I've given you a bowl! (Clears throat) Oh, hi, Veronica.
It's Sue.
Yeah, look.
UmI've managed to track down a supplier for this printer, ander, I can put in an order tomorrow and I can get a 12% discount on anything over ten and a 17% discount on anything over 50.
So how many d'you reckon we're going to need? One.
Right, so thisthis isn't for all the offices? This is for you at home? - (Man) ,,have utastrophíc consequences,,, - No one cares.
No one cares.
- You know you talked to a reporter yesterday.
- Mm-hm.
Did he ask you why the school wanted you to apologise? Yeah, but I didn't give him an answer.
l just saidl don't know.
l just told him he'd be better off asking the school.
Something noncommittal like that.
''l don't know why I should apologise,'' says race-row teacher.
Yeah, the thing is I presumed that the printer was part of the office refit rather than for your own personal use and so that sort of begs the question whether me chasing after it all day was in fact the best use of my time.
Anti-lslamic jibe? I made a joke at the expense of a fat kid who happened to be Turkish.
Your Head told you not to talk to the papers, didn't he? ''Under no absolutely no circumstances whatsoever,'' is what he actually said.
- That's just a huge cock-up, then, isn't it? - Oh, it is the mother of all cock-ups.
The journalist has just twisted everything I said.
They are known for that, aren't they? Well, still, it is only the local rag.
Your Headmaster might not even see it.
He is gonna go absolutely Well, that went as well as could be expected.
- Eh? - I've just put down a marker for Veronica.
l told her that she wasn't respecting the fact that I was part time and I said that all her phone calls and emails at all the hours God sends were interfering with my family life, and she said that wasn't her problem and l said, ''Well, it is now'' and then I resigned.
- That was the marker you put down.
- Yeah.
- Your resignation? - Yeah.
It's great, isn't it? Only I didn't use the word resignation, l used lots of shoker words.
- Shouldn't you be doing your homework? - No, I want to watch this.
l think we should have a drink to celebrate.
We don't need the money that she's giving me, do we? We can cope financially as long as you're pulling in a wage.
D'you know what? I've been thinking.
And I think we should do that world trip idea of yours.
l mean, I've got to stop seeing bear traps everywhere.
We could rent this house out while we're away and you could teach while we're on the road.
l mean, it's easy.
You just need to get a reference from the school.
Ya-hey! I'm free! - ErMum? - (Phone rings) l bet that will be Veronica begging me to reconsider.
l bet it isn't.