Outsourced (2010) s01e05 Episode Script

No, thank you.
Sir, I have found the missing novelties.
They were detained at customs for their unsavory nature.
"unsavory nature"? - Oh, wow.
- Oh, no, these are harmless.
They're novelties for bachelorette parties.
That's actually edible underwear.
Strawberry--my favorite.
Todd, what is this bachelorette party? Well, before a woman gets married, She celebrates her last day of being single.
Gupta, are you eating that? Product testing.
So h-how does she celebrate her last day of being single? She goes out drinking with her friends.
Oh, sometimes they'll go to a club Where a guy dances for them, and they can touch him.
Hey, how much does a man pay for this privilege? Uh, actually, the women pay the guy.
They stuff money in his underwear.
Okay, where do I apply for such a job? I need details, Todd.
Sir, I very much look forward to your attempt At explaining these pornographic items.
Oh, yes.
wow.
Oh, my.
Is everyone else looking at a box of willies? Yeah, well, at bachelorette parties, There's a lot of penis-shaped novelties.
You know, you got your hats and whistles, and, uh That is the pecker pistol.
It's a dart gun, and it shoots penis-shaped darts.
The only problem is, once you shoot, You have to wait 30 minutes before you can shoot again.
Why? Well, some people, not--not me.
- Oh.
- Oh, careful, manmeet.
It has a hair trigger, so make sure it doesn't go off-- Uh! Okay, thank you very much, please.
Good-bye.
Oh, god, what is that smell? - Gupta.
- My shoes are on.
A fish wallah just set up outside.
He's cooking lizardfish.
So that's a normal smell for you guys? I know how they killed the fish.
They let it smell itself.
No, it stinks to us too, Todd.
Well, that's good to know.
I don't--I don't want to offend anybody.
It's hard to know what's a normal smell here And what isn't.
I mean, this morning I walked by a place That smelled like someone went to the bathroom On a burning tire.
If I had known you were going to be in my neighborhood, We could have walked in together.
I got to go make a call.
I can't work with this smell, man.
He needs to move.
I'll get the fish wallah to move.
Why don't you just talk to him? That will do it.
Tell him the story about the first time You had an orange.
I was five.
I was in the market.
Something orange caught my eye.
- I said-- - hey, gupta.
Not for me.
For him.
of course.
Sir, sir.
Come, come.
Fresh young coconut water.
Settles your stomach.
- No, thank you.
- Hey, Todd? - Hey, jerry, jerry.
- Can you believe this? Chiefs on the 10-yard line with a minute left.
Tell me you're watching this game.
Wow, I wish I was, but my boss sent me to India, remember? And the corporation really appreciates it.
Get out of bounds.
Get out of bounds.
- Get out of bounds.
- Jerry, I think we-- I think we have a little bit of a-- Gives you big muscles.
Good for hangover.
Okay, one for you.
Jerry, I think we have a problem-- Hello? Hello? Can you hear-- no.
No, no, no.
- What? What? - No.
- You said one.
- No.
Fine.
- You bought it.
- Here.
Thanks.
Yeah, jerry, I think we have a little bit of a problem.
Some of the novelties might be a little too explicit For my staff.
- Like what? - The bachelorette stuff, The position-of-the-day calendar, And pretty much anything From our signature crotchless collection.
Well, you gave them The sexual-harassment seminar, right? It's only my second month.
Todd, give them the harassment seminar Asap, okay? You'd be amazed how many frivolous lawsuits we get.
Remember fat Carl? Yeah, you mean man-boobs? Yeah, we can't call him that anymore.
He won a huge settlement.
Right now he's flaunting those big old jugs On his brand-new boat.
So as you know by now, Some of our novelties are A little racy.
So I want to talk about sexual harassment.
Now, I think what's important is that we all start From a place of respect.
He said respect.
Pay attention, donkey! All right.
Uh, let's say that a customer calls up And they want to ask a question about the sex bell.
You can talk about it.
It's work.
It's just-- it's inappropriate If you go into the break room And ring the sex bell and yell, "come and get it.
" Todd The sex bell is a joke, right? There's no actual bell you can ring In America, and a woman would I mean, come on, that would be crazy, right? Todd, I need you to be clear and direct about this.
My point is that if it's about work, - It's okay to talk about.
- Is there a sex bel No.
Bottom line-- If anything makes you uncomfortable, There's a hotline to corporate you can call.
And you can ke an anonymous complaint at any time, 'cause no one wants to be uncomfortable at work.
Now, this is a video all mid America employees Are required to watch.
There's a fine line between appropriate And inappropriate behavior in the workplace.
Let's look - At some examples.
- Todd She's blonde.
That's a nice blouse, Linda.
Was that appropriate Or inappropriate? - Inappropriate.
- Inappropriate.
That's right-- appropriate.
How about this example? Here you go, boss.
Great job, randy.
Oh, you do have a great job.
Randy.
Randy.
Here's a situation that's more common than you'd think.
Did you guys get the memo about the-- Oh, I guess this isn't The only pda in the office.
My advice-- Get a room other than the break room.
What? Wait, what--what's the problem? Todd, bollywood movies don't even show kissing.
- Seriously? - No kissing And certainly no fondling.
To them, this is like pornography.
The video was that offensive? Todd, I don't know.
I would have to see it again.
Todd, play it again.
oh, sorry.
Someone's in the bathroom.
I've heard about your American casual Friday, But topless break room Wednesday is new to me.
It's so hot here.
I sweat through three shirts a day.
Wonderful, sir.
I was listening to your voice mail, And I heard the most interesting message.
Uh, Rajiv, I don't remember Saying you could listen to my voice mail.
I also don't remember that.
Jerry called from Kansas city, America, To say that someone had filed a complaint On the anonymous hotline.
No way.
Already? That's terrible.
What do you think we should do about it? Well, I think we should find out Whoever crossed the line and come down hard on them.
I don't want this kind of thing in my office.
I couldn't agree with you more, sir.
This sexual deviant must be brought to justice.
Oh, I forgot one thing.
The complaint was about you.
Me? No, no, that-- that can't be right.
It is.
I listened to the message eight times.
As you say in America, It looks as if you're up a creek, And you've forgotten your paddle.
Also, this is a creek of feces-- A most unpleasant creek for you.
Todd.
Jerry, got your message.
Damn it, Todd.
What the hell is going on over there? Someone filed a complaint about you.
I know.
I know what this is.
That video was offensive to some of my workers.
I think I harassed them just by showing it.
You know, they're pretty modest over here.
It wasn't the video, Todd, okay? Someone specifically complained about something that you did.
Well, what? Ah, hello, hello, my friend.
Coconut water for you? - five? - What did they say? Let me read you the email from legal.
- How about that? - Good for you.
- I didn't order this.
- Makes you strong.
No, no, you don't understand.
Here's the part about you, okay? You have been accused Of "ongoing inappropriate personal conduct.
" I don't even-- I don't even understand-- - One more.
- I don't understand What that means.
Uh, well, Todd, if I was you, I think I'd figure that out Before you're sitting in a room full of lawyers.
This is man-boobs all over again.
Sir, I took the liberty of packing up your things.
I will always remember you as a good boss And not the monster everyone else sees.
Uh, guys? Can I get your attention? So there was a complaint about me On the hotline.
I'm not mad.
It's okay.
That's not what this is about.
Sir, if I may, I think I know where this is going.
Please join me in saying good-bye And nice try to Mr.
Todd Dempsey.
You can also say good-bye To your 15-minute breaks and brand-name tea.
Rajiv, I'm not going anywhere.
Look, I-I feel bad That I offended someone, but I have to know what I did, So I can stop it.
So if anyone wants to talk to me privately, I'm all ears.
The line for alone time with the predator Starts here.
Anyone? - Hey, man, what's up? - Hey.
Charlie, can I ask you a question? - Sure.
- I'm having a problem With one of my workers.
You got a klepto? Here's a tip.
Check the turban.
Starting to get why this seat's always empty.
Um, one of my workers filed A sexual-harassment complaint about me, But I don't know what I did to offend them.
Don't beat yourself up about it.
This place doesn't make any sense.
Who knows what offends people here? They don't kiss in public, but they invented the Kama sutra.
A woman can't show her legs in public, But they got an open-air fertility temple Right down the street.
It's got a statue of a big old dong.
wait, is that the big rock thing With the flowers on the bottom of it? I got my picture taken with my arm around it.
That's a dong, man.
Those kids told me to rub the top for good luck.
You got off easy.
They got me to kiss it.
- Ooh.
- Yeah.
So how's it going, fellas? Hey, it's going pretty good.
Todd sexually harassed one of his workers.
- All right.
Thank you.
- Really? You don't strike me as the type.
No, I didn't actually do anything.
However, I do like my bad boys.
I'm capable of things Bad things.
- Very good to know.
- I stole this milk.
Stole it.
So do you know who made the complaint? No, I got to figure that out.
Well, how very exciting-- a mystery.
My guess is it's a woman who's never been with a man, But she has a burning desire to express herself In a society that won't allow her to.
So she makes a complaint Out of frustration when what she really wants to do Is have a moment Like this.
Sorry.
My advice-- Get a room other than the break room.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
He's cooking another batch.
That's it.
That's it.
If you--if you can't get rid of this guy, I will.
You can't.
Rohit is my second cousin.
I'm the one who told him That that spot would bring him a lot of customers.
His food reeks, man.
But he needs the business.
If you kick him out, I will bring more shame on my family.
And I'm running out of shame.
I doubt that, gupta.
Bringing shame on your family Is the one thing you're good at.
YesNo.
No shame.
Mid America novelties, may I help you? yo, I want to buy some stuff From yous guys.
I'm looking to get some revenge on my boss.
He's always harassing me and whatnot.
Your boss like that? No, he's not, But, uh, may I suggest the itching toilet paper On page ten? no, no, no, we recalled that last week.
I think I'm just gonna go ahead And stab him.
Mid America novelties, how may I help you? Hey, it's magic monty from wkrp in Cincinnati, And you're live on the radio.
It's bitch out your boss day.
Tell us if your boss has ever done something so bad to you You had to call a hotline.
Oh, I've never called a hotline, But yesterday Rajiv yelled at me-- Oh, sorry, not the answer we were looking for.
Now we go live to captain Dave in the traffic chopper.
yes, good afternoon, This is Nigel from corporate.
I'm calling to follow up On your sexual-harassment complaint.
Hello, hello, my best customer.
How many coconuts today? Sir, I will be borrowing your stapler now.
Be advised that, when I reach across your desk, I will be vulnerable for a moment.
So please be so kind as to control yourself.
Rajiv, do you have any idea who called the hotline? No.
And you will never find out.
No one is going to confront their boss to his face.
That does not happen in India.
Oh, really? 'cause I-I feel like you do it all the time.
I just want you to feel at home.
Yes, sir, your confetti, fog machine, And party hats should arrive by Saturday.
And again, I'm sorry for your wife's passing.
How's it going, Madhuri? Is something wrong? No, no, I just wanted to apologize For the video yesterday And for the big box of fake penises And for saying penises just now.
Look, there's gonna be no more inappropriate conduct from me.
- Okay? - Okay.
Great.
Glad to get this behind us.
Yes, hello? I need to make another complaint.
This time more anonymously.
- He just did it again.
- Good talk.
And he did it again.
Rohit! Rohit! - Ro-- - gupta, come here.
Ere is Rohit? What have you done with him? I'm sorry about what I said yesterday.
- Okay? - Eh.
So I decided to help your cousin.
He said he needed more customers.
I said we needed to breathe.
So I thought of a way To make him stand out from the crowd.
- Such as? - As americans say, I pimped his cart.
Thank you, manmeet.
Mid America novelties, this is Todd.
Todd, Todd, what the hell? We got another complaint about you.
Another complaint? We didn't send you halfway across the globe To play grab-ass with the locals.
No, no, this is crazy.
- I-I didn't do anything.
- Don't mind me.
I'm just gonna get started again.
Well, I got to tell you, I'm running out of options.
No, I'll take care of this.
I'll call you right back.
Will you stop that? Stop.
I bet you hear that a lot, huh? Is everything all right? No.
No.
Somebody keeps reporting me on the hotline, But I have no idea what I'm doing.
I'm sweating through shirts.
I'm smelling new things.
I can't stop buying coconuts.
I'm lost here.
- Pardon me.
- Oh, sorry.
- That's it.
- What? You just touched pinky.
No, I didn't.
Wait, are you talking about this? That's nothing.
Todd, maybe in America.
- Here it's something.
- Really? Yeah, you might want to stop doing that.
I don't think I do it that much.
I'm a toucher.
I touch everyone.
I even made a cow uncomfortable.
Oh, uh, well, Why do you feel the need to touch everyone? I don't know.
I just-- I'm new here.
It's my first time as a manager.
I just wanted-- You just want everyone to like you.
Well, I was gonna say, "do a good job," but Okay.
I guess I should apologize to everyone.
Yeah, you can start with me.
I didn't realize I touched you.
You didn't.
I didn't? No, so I'm curious.
If it really didn't mean anything When you touched the others, What did it mean when you didn't touch me? I-I don't it didn't You are enjoying this, aren't you? Immensely.
Hey, guys, guys, can I, uh-- Can I have your attention, please? I have something that I need to say.
Please halt your productivity for to's latest apology.
I got it.
I really got it.
No more touching.
I, uh--I didn't-- I didn't understand it before.
But I promise-- I promise It'll never happen again.
Great.
Great.
Thank you.
Oh, thank you.
Hey, you know, it could have been worse.
I could have been this guy.
"aah, look out.
"I'm the handsiest guy in the office.
Aah.
Oh, no.
" Todd! That is lakshmi, And she's one of our gods.
And I will cover religious tolerance next week.
Hey.
What-- are you okay? Are you choking? Oh, wait, wait, can I touch you? I need--I need confirmation that I canouch you.
Okay, okay.
I am approaching you from behind, all right? Okay.
So what happens next week? Time to die! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!